I Can't Say

Today, the Meniere's has toyed with me and my emotions all the whole damned day long. Dusk has been long gone and the Sun Set. I was so hoping to be a bit more at ease. I prayed. You see, I have an odd relationship with the darkness. There are times when I am totally comfortable and am at One with the dark of night. There are other times though when I lay awake at night and ponder useless topics or random subjects. Stewie, an ole dear therapist of mine, who is now a very dear friend of the family, taught me that this is 'rumination'. I know this, yet I let myself get all tangled up over whatever it is I am doing or thinking to distract from the Meniere's and it's symptoms. Night time is a tough time of the clock for one not used to spending awake hours at all times of night and day. Sleep yes, but not the Awake Monster. I understand that this is a piece of the lost and hearing loss, but to have changed me as much and to have had such a powerful grip of my mind and body is something that is beyond me. I think I know, but I can't say.

Today was my birth date. I can remember as a child knowing that I would be sexually abused on my birthday. For a couple of perpetrators it would happen on the same day - hours apart. Supposed gifts. I remember damned well how I felt those days and how I felt as the date 17 October approached. I knew that the chances were high I would have two men take my body from me on this festive day. I was special. I know who, but I can't say.

There are a couple or three elders playing mind games. I don't have time for this and or your two faces. I think maybe we go back to the way it has been for the last year or so - leave things be. I mean? No, just no Boo. You go play with your Folks. You go play your mind games with them you think you've got fooled. Who's the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows? Just please go on now. I have enough drama with my health and in my life without having to listen to lack luster justifications of why you haven't done or said this or that. Or your miserable attempts to impress. Babe, you're too old for that shit and I'm too hot-damned old to be listening to childish bull shit. If you have issue with a sibling take it to that house. Not mine. You make wonderful words and make good talk, I ask simply that you take your words and talk else where. The conduct I have witnessed over the past couple of days has been petty and so elementary. Please, I ask, take you and your luggage, and your shit and move along. By the way, you play tit-for-tat with your crew and kindly leave mine out of it. You know I know who you are, but I can't say.