Borrowd Words...

...these are words from a friend who she borrowed from a friend...

"Just because I have strong opinoins, does not mean I judge. Do not mistake passion for judgment. For you might find you are the one doing the judging." ~ Unknown

...to she who borrowed these words from her friend, thank you. Thank You! Passion is what has driven my Life's Path for so many years and years. How refreshing it is to read this today, a low day, and as a consequence feel as if I've had an Iced Pepsi Max! Oh! My Sister-From-Another-Mister, THANK YOU!!

Feels as if I was gifted a huge hug! Awesome free medicine! It's one of those things I miss the most and perhaps top ten biggest thing, I miss about My Coffee House, are those fantastic hugs from others...friends, family or total stranger. Yes. I do miss them hugs...

Get's mighty lonly 'round these parts.

Meniere's Sucks 2!!

Woke up at 0915 to prepare for a visit with one who works with Him-From-Far-Away. A good visit. A good talk and once again, I am taken aback by the sincere consideration and respect these folks have honored me with. Consistently...As in time and time again. This Team has been with me since day one of this madness named Meniere's and we had not met until today, the 28th day of February 2011. Feel's good in my Spirits to have a face for the one from far away...yes, I know it's not "his" face, but there is a super cool representative with quite a pleasent face that will do just fine. I wonder if he who visited knows my gratitude...

Since Friday, have now slept near sixty hours and plan to return to bed once I have jotted down this quick note.

The coordination and balance thing is way off today, as well as my hearing...with or without my implant in place. My center know's the decline. As I do. Shit...

...Nausea is a five. Dizziness, a seven. The plopping contiues in my right ear. The noises are high and loud...in both ears. A motivating factor in my return to Dream World. Other factors would be the pains and ache's...am so very tired. Just really bleeding exhausted.

These dreadful thought's passing through the muscles and folds of my brain, are so negative, so dreadful, so fucking not me, will not go away...even if but for a spell. I swear there are time's when I feel tiny little electromagnetic sparks up there. Zipping, zapping...have always enjoyed thinking these are my Jedi Knight's's fighting off an attacking Dark Force. Only, in real life the dark force is real...and lives with in. I'm a witness. Sleeping as I will be soon is respite.

Am looking forward to gathering with Dr. Psyche in the morrow. Even if it is but a brief visit. Wednesday, I'll visit with Sir Dude. Back-to-back battery recharge. In a perfect world there would be a massage on Thursday and get my hair done with man. and ped. on Friday. Alas, mine is not the perfect one. Expletive! What?

Before I follow my Path to my safe place, please let me thank you and your eye orbs for reading my words. I'm such a simple sort. To see and really realize how many folk cross my Path here from all over OUR Earth Mother, is mind blowing. I am truly honored.

Meniere's Sucks!

Meniere's visited and has been present and stomping some good ass the past two days. The extreme dizziness, nausea, plopping in my ear, and the noises have left me sleeping as an alternative to the rubbish going on between my ears. With yesterday and today I have slept well over thirty hours...

...yet, I wish to return to slumber. My skull is hurting me something bad. My neck, back, my limbs to my finger tips ache, pain and touble me. I do feel stomped upon something really rough. I think soon I'll go back to rest and sleep. My balance and coordination is off to the left. I am sadly exhausted and feel just as sad if not more in my Spirit's...shit.

My Dream World is active and in my Dream World, there isn't horrible noises, or so much thinking going on. I let go and go where ever my dreams may take me. There have been times when I have been stirred by nausea, sweats, and dizziness and have been awakened by vertigo attacks. When that happens I lay there and take whatever comes my way. When the attack sub-sides, I take the medications prescribed by He-Who-Touched-My-Brain.

Speaking of my good doctor, I would enjoy seeing him. I think I need one of his truly awesome dude hugs...

At this moment I am listening to "Belle and Sebastian's", "Sleep Around The Clock", as loud as this computer will take me. My hearing has gone towards the worse and I really do want to hear and listen to some fantastic music while I am awake...I really fucken want to hear and listen to some fantastic music while I can! I mean, look, my right-good-bad-ear is all I have left to listen to music...or the voices of my Relations, the Songs of my Bird cousins, the wonderfully beautiful bark and sad howl of my hound Ting Ting...cars, trains, and planes.

Meniere's sucks!

Let me stop this shit and do something on this Path of mine...peace.

p.s. The Voices I listen too continue. These voices though are from over there, not from over here.

Be Genuine, Part 2

When asking others to be genuine, it is necessary that I be that, plus more!It's a joy when I throw in the extra touch of sincerity. I suspect this is being genuine at it's most faithful. Faithful. Be it deed or in word, being genuine transcends life and time. Truth does not become altered over a course of years or decades even. It is the gladness in my Spirit that permits me to speak the truth...

...sadly, there are too many Relations in my Circle who are compelled to put on fake faces with I and I and you too. Too many "I love you's" spoken by them with open mouth like a dog waiting for his/her dog treat. Too many "kinfolk" and too many "friends" who speak through plastic lip smiles and no eye's.

Truth, is my acceptance in the process I began tonight. There is just way enough 'Drama-Up-In-Here' and in my Life's Path. It is amazing how even at this age and time in life, I am still the student...learning. Kinfolk Drama is one thing. Them in my Circle who were once Relations/Friends are an all together different matter.

It is so really necessary for me to let go. I am really tired of living like this.

Have listened, observed and have learned this...We are all on Our Path's, moving along as one may. I get this. I have recently had to listen to my eldest daughter's hurt due to a conflict in schdule due to a family reunion. MY FAMILY is having this REUNION! And, no, there has been no note or call. No invite. Not to "Mario's and Libby's" children. We have had reuinion in October or November for decades. I say, some shit, en'it?! This mystery Family Reunion happens to fall on the date of a rather important gathering scheduled for Celebration. My bride, just a day or two ago was saddened to recieve an invite in mail to a function scheduled on her birth date. As in The Big 50. No joke. Really.

How do I communicate this has been as it has always been...except for the Elder's. Them who have passed before me made sure when reunion time come - every body comes. It was them who shared love, respect, and honor towards the mixed blooded kids. "Mario's and Libby's children". Bullshit! We were like a pack of coyotes. Most of the kinfolk didn't give two shits then and even less today. Ma, Pa, and seven of us mixed breed children. Oh Lord, how many years this goes back?

Them who were the enabler's...He who taught me tricks as a boy, He-Who-Took-Me-To-Baseball. Those who were near the scenes of crimes but never called the police. Never. They who heard the screams and crys.

Hey! Look. I know that you know, my memorey is sharp and crisp. So, please do believe that even as a child, I felt your slights and your prejudice...my memorey banks are full to the brim. So, no, please don't. Too many years I have been honest and open with my Kinfolk. I don't give a shit if you and I don't see eye-to-eye. Too many years I have listened to lies. They cut to the white meat when it comes from Kinfolk or Relations.

This is a topic I have journaled and blogged about. Have been on a television show and have written articles. Have written to and have spoken with some like-minded folks. I see by the Crow's Feet near my eye's, I have some "Letting Go's" to attend to...

Think I'll read this once over then post it. Shit, I've carried this with me my whole damned life! How in the hell do Kinfolk go prejudice against Kinfolk. Oh, and please don't...

...I remember every one of you who called me nigger. Or Faggot...to name two. I suspect this covers some good bases as there was much name calling and emotional shit neck deep going on ALL the time!

What? Have walked this Path long enough with this much luggage on my shoulders. Time to ease the strain in my Center. My Good God...

Note From Another Time

The following was text sent to my bride and daughter's ten months ago. It has remained in my sent box since then and today is the day I place the message here and then delete the words from my cellular telephone...


14 April 2010 @ 1754.

Why call you make not?

I sit and and I weep in the icey cold grips of inhumane torture and pain...

...thus, I park myself here in my heart's mind waiting. Gloomed.

Gloom is silent...

...as silent, as the kitten smashed by the blue Cordoba driven by the drunk from up the street.

Be Genuine...

I have tried so hard to keep my self calm today. After I woke up from my second sleep of today...(maybe counts as three if I include this morning after I awoke from a troubled sleep), I seem to feel extra sensitive and easy to cry and upset...

At this moment it is early Sunday, it would look like this 0101...I smell the scent of nag champa softly in the swirling wind of this room. I have crystal's behind me, around my neck and a crsytal cluster in front of me. Such is the need for calming this mind and heart and Spirit's...

Slept most of yesterday away and did same with this beautiful Florida, February day. Yesterday and today have me feeling damn near 'like fish flopping' out of water. My coordination and balance have been affected in very negative ways - back to my Mr. Bumper Car Dude, as I am bumping onto walls, doors, and furniture once again get's in my way. These past two days have been a living shittin' hell! Brenda, shared with me today, that she notices a change in speech while going through post vertigo attacks. I have noticed my hearing is affected as my hearing becomes more problematic. The noises between my ears have been loud! These crikets must be two feet long - their so freaking loud! I am and have been beyond dizzy, have extreme nausea, bad sweats that seem to enhance the urge to purge...am also riding an emotional roller coaster with no brakes at full speed ahead...it just keeps going and going. So I cry under my pillow until I fall asleep...which is a respite from this torture called meniere's.

Something sunk in really bad in my heart and Spirit's today. This being the realization of too much and so much truth. And am powerless about this. In spite of having so many Relations, I am lonely and very often am alone. My wife works so hard and so many hours of over time that we seldom get to spend more than a couple/three hours nightly. On week ends, she requires and deserves her rest and relaxtion. My WOman works hard for her money honey. My Honorable Daughter's, all seven of them, are grown and have their life kicking. Hell, I remember what it was like to be their ages...child please. My sister's are all wrapped up in their lives and their children and my kid brother, Mr. Boone, is tucked away in the big house over in dem islands Mon. My Aunts, Uncles, my make believe God-Father and God-Mother...my sweet Aunt's both have their hands full minding to my dearest Grand Mother. Cousins? So many yet so few. My friends have scattered...having their healthy friends and family to socialize with.

I think maybe one thing I'm trying to say is that I understand and do remember what it was like to have a full schedule and a fully functional body and a huge passion for life, family, friends and work...

Please forgive me for saying this, but I am also rather angry. I think rejection and if there was a feeling called rejection. I know what this feels like. All I am really asking for, is for folks to check in on me from time to time. Just a call ya'll. Be genuine with me. Please.

Time out. Back to bed. Sleep is near.

Think I'll bring my crystals with me as I travel this Path...

Thought I Would Faint

Note: This was written on 17 February 2011.

Around 11:00 in the morning, I was zapped by a vertigo attack that took my breathe away. No, really. Sent me into the need for my emergency inhaler. Puffed like I had to! The spinning was inhumane, the dizziness had me thinking I would faint. Disgusting sweats and dizziness that required bed and roughly one hour to sub-side then a few hours sleep...sleep so deep I know I went into REM. When I did awake, it was long enough to do this and or that...sweated like a horse, nausea and dizziness. Back to bed...

Had called my Sir Dude, a bit before then. Wanted to speak with my therapist for a mighty brief moment or two. Don't ask please. Seems as if I've taken a downward trend over the past few days. It was also necessary to tend to legal matters via telephone.

Note: Found out Wednesday, my para-legal "exited stage left" and have felt deeply abandoned by this unpleasent and sudden departure. Also, have felt cut off from "Him-Who-Knows-The-Law"...I'm ignorant, you all.

This past Sunday I had a vertigo attack late in the afternoon. Preceding symptoms were loud and unusual sounds...roaring, pinging, beeping. Slept remainder of Sunday and most Monday. Brenda, actually "called this one".... Thinking she was witnessing the going's-on as well as picking up on the sypmtoms on the out side of mind and or brain. Cool! My hound notices changes as well.

Got up for therapy on the Wednesday, came home and tried to push the envelope by keeping myself awake as long as possible. And did. By the time I went to bed I was so totaly exhausted. My entire body ached and pained.

When I did meet Sir Dude, he pulled a magic number out of his hat and reported to me my depression was fair...FAIR?! The complexion of my skin is fair honey. Um, but maybe at that precise moment - as I sat in one of my safe places, I felt fairly well...but not before I arrived...not later in the evening...not late last night. Not this morning when I called to speak with him. Never did call me back. We'll connect tomarrow. No doubt. Have shed more tears than I have in a couple of weeks.

It's 1850. Think I'll lay down and sleep a spell...I am nauseated with gagging and dizzy. Got to go.

Sometimes, I Pretend...

...sometimes, I pretend to not hear the noises in my ear's...both the deaf one and the one-good-bad-ear that's hard of hearing, so Kinfolk don't think I've gone mad...

...sometimes, when the noises get so bad - I can't pretend...I know they're here to stay. There's not much I have not heard between my ears. From the loudest obnoxious ROARS, to the soaring silence I believe death sounds like when one dies in their sleep...

...sometimes, I pretend that I really didn't hear the voice just over my shoulder or over there in the corner...so I don't think I've gone mad...

We don't speak of this too often anymore. Sort of like out of ear - out of mind...for them...I see and hear it best I just keep silent, smile and pretend...

What do you want me to say?

The nausea is high. The dizziness is as well. The noises are loudly distracting me from thinking too cheerfully. I get so tired of living like this. So, sometimes I just pretend I'm not sad...

With all my sounds, noises and what-not, I head in this direction...

For A Nano-Second...

Earlier this afternoon, while finishing with a shower, I thought "geez, my left ear must be stopped up" - I can't hear anything out of it tonight...

...then I remembered I was deaf. Named myself "The Ass of the Year" and sort of smiled...

...really, for a nano-second I forgot. My mind still feels a certain something about this.

Look you all, I may be single side deaf and I may be hard of hearing, but I betcha I keep my face looking ahead...walking My Path.

...peace...

10 February 2011

The tears fall easy this morning...

...I can just hear the Blue Jay, Cardinal, Doves and Red Crested Wood Pecker over a droaning sound/noise/disturbance...my Bird Neighbours have stopped by for morning meal. The rains have ended and have left coolness to soothe these Spirit's of mine.

The numbers on the sugar-o-meter indicate my chemistry is changing. Numbers lower, just not quick enough for my satisfaction. I dread the idea of having to take more pills/chemicals and the concept of injecting myself is gruesome...

...I am losing weight, lot's of it. I see it on my face and neck, but am only able to feel it around my waist and shirts. Both good yes, for the outside of me. On the inside of me lives the Anorexic Mario. He never left me, bless his heart, but the Bride, has already thrown "that" at me. Hell, even though that piece of me never leaves - I'm so far gone from being anorexic that even bringing it up as a topic is as far gone as The Northern Territories. At this moment, I am as large as the Bison. Would have to shed several five pound sacks of flour for sure. Besides, then was then and I am in the now. As in this moment. Anorexia is just another piece of travel gear. Life's too short, can't you see?

The lodge is silent. I have this handsome Cowboy Jerrod Niemann, singing softly into my mind's ear hole via my one good-bad-right-ear. Am alone. This is when the being alone sets in...today extra hard for some reason...this is when I am able to have a good old fashioned cry. Aloud.

Meniere's Disease, is acting a damn fool this morn, as I have been forced to hear and listen to this low droaning sound since I met this tenth day of February. It sounds like this - droooooooooooaaaaaaaaan, over and over again...sometimes without interuption. Nausea is high and gagged myself into a sore throat just a few minutes past. The dizziness is as an intoxicated one might feel...the perspiration has been on and off. The tears have been moved by this rubbish.

I am exhausted and have been awake just a spell...just so tired of living like this.

May be crawling today, but bet I am remain on my Path.

Beeping Has Ceased...now silence.

The beeping continued well into the evening...duration of time lasting four hours. This was in fact, the most horrendous torture I've had in a quite a while. Constant beeping, no break, no silence or other distraction...not even television helped. I even tried reading with Native flute in back-ground...shittin' BEEP-BEEPING! So, it was necessary to "toss the towel" for the aid of sleep.

Today has been a Blessed day. Spent time with my youngest daughter. My Baby Face Sister, stopped by and we hit the by ways for a little shopping...I love to shop! Found some really fantastic Donny Osmond albums and am tickled to death with them! Anyways, I received urgent and important documents in mail yesterday. I am not prepared to talk of this now, so maybe some other time. But, I will let you know I am overwhelmed with Thanks, Grace and the understanding and realization the Great Spirit does work by His own pace...not our's.

My breath is easier today. Nausea and dizziness is a 5-ish at this very moment. My shoes fit me differently today...

...even the discrimination from the white's won't keep me down today..."Them-Who-Judge". I think maybe I have come to a point in my Path to over-look the ignorant ones...I've got to, damn it. But, I be damned if I have not crossed path's with some ignorant ass white folk. It's weired when one of my mixed blood's gets angry with another mixed blood. No shit! Am an American, born in the South. My kinfolk from the South were Rebels and worse. The Spic in much of my DNA will catch a quick attitude...the Cherokee in me wants to get the hell-out-of-here, and Them-Who-Were-Dark-Complected, are really over these games...shit, ALL of me, just wants folks to stop playing their games. Life is too short for the really dumb shit. Relations...

Mixed Blooded and all, I keep focus on what's ahead. My Path...

Beep-beep-beeping!

I've asked Brenda twice tonight if she's heard the beep-beep-beeping. She said no each time. It has been over ten minutes and I still hear the damned beeping Brenda does not hear...

...clear as this cool evening air...

...life as I sometimes hear it.

Is this a satellite? Is this the KGB? Or the C.I.A. Or is it that I'm really just another episode of The Twight Zone?

This Path is a puzzle sometimes, but, I keep walking forward...

Damned Remissness!

There has been a couple of moments today when things clink-clunked into place...deep in my brain's mind and on the side of my left skull I felt thoughts-in-motion. Really. I know I've felt something move in between my flesh and my skull many times before...suspect them to be worms or nerves.

Am compelled to offer apology to them who feel my utterances are a bit sad or mad or angry some of the time. Please, then now it is necessary to report that this is the way I am living life right now...sad, mad, and angry as all get out. And yes, I am aware I may pepper my language from time to time, but really, I've cut back some...

...BUT please, don't ever think that I am lame or tamed. For the most part, most of you know me. True Relations, know where I come from, my battles with Meniere's, battles with my past and present, my passions, my truths, my 'f' up's...my search for Grace. Then it is these who also know I have a bit of a wild hair there from time to time.

I can't help but lament the passing of a life that was over-filled with gusto! Over-joyed! All of those brilliant "co-owner's" I had the blessings to meet and work with...all of those fantastic Guests! Taking my car for a drive...I really do sometimes believe madness is standing in my shoe's and HELL Yes, I am angry. As All Hell Angry! The shoes I'm wearing - damned sure want me to be pissed at this time. So then. It is better to be pissed off than pissed on. En'it? (Unless...nope.)

I would be remiss should I not apologize...

...this is my Path, so I'll walk it as well as I will.

From Under The Radar

On Thursday, 3 February 2011, sometime in the late afternoon/early evening I was surprised to have been hit by a vertigo attack. Clear out of the blue, I was swept up by the sudden extreme dizziness and an increase in nausea. Did not have a slight symptom for a look out - just "slam". I perspired as I laid in bed and listened to the roaring noise of a 747 aerobus parked in my back yard...with my room spinning and spinning. Poor Dorothy and Toto.

This morning and early afternoon have been pleasent. Woke early and have had success with keeping awake. "Opened up the office". My crystal ball let's me know I will be asleep sometime quite sooner than later.

My body is extraordinarily pained and sore...feels as if I was on the wrong end of an ass whooping. My skull, neck, my back, arms and leg muscles question the goings on...even my knuckles ache.

I am motivated and determined to continue walking this Path. Folks have suggested the purchase of one of them little motorized wheel chairs. I brush these remarks aside as I do believe most with this recommendation make same with sarcasms and or a supposed humour. Yes, Dahlin', I'm still putting up with bitterness and ignorance from many an ignorant ass. Mostly kinfolk...it's odd how I get more empathy and respect from complete strangers, en'it? Oh well, what can I do?

Am presently reading The Day The World Ended At Little Big Horn, a lakota history, written by Joseph M. Marshall III. Am having to ration reading this one, it's so well written. Am still reading The Autobio. Of Mark Twain...rationing this one too.

Relations, I say hello and good day. I have to deal with some meniere's issues here on my Path. I will do what ever it takes to keep me going along my way. I've promised myself.

Something New To Say...

I have and will with purpose not share this post with kinfolk on the social network or in a talk. It is my intention. If and when this is read by my Relations, I'll cross the talk then. Really, if anything were to be said - I could not listen. I have lost my ear's.

Today and especially this afternoon, the meniere's gave me hell and required a certainty in my walk(with my walker) and with my my talk. Symptoms were dreadful with non-productive nausea, dizziness (as intoxicated) something awful, sweating/perspiring, and the omni-present noises in both ears. Several times I suspected an attack was headed my way. It did not. What can I do?

Today and last night the depression rose to the surface. Did have therapy with my Sir Dude this afternoon and what a fantastic visit! I feel as if I was able to give my brain/mind a nice colon cleansing. My mind has been traveling so fast for so long folks. And I keep on keeping on - pushing that damned envelope. Since then, gloomy situations.

...my tires are stuck in the mud, but I keep stepping on the gas...

Look, the something I had not shared about last night is that I did two surgical procedures on my left hand. Scraped layer-by-layer an odd consistently growing wort and have dug deep to reach a pencil point that has been on my hand since elementary school. My wonderful and highly skilled remover of cancers, lumps and bumps...by doing her job showed me all I have to do. She has done same to me. I just don't have the numbing shots. That's okay by me. Have not felt pain in a spell. I wrote a note on last night's post, but I erased/deleted it. This is something I am not wanting to share, but Sir Dude has provided me with in-sight and the motivation to get this off my chest...this shit I carry on my shoulder's, in my mind, my Spirit's. I get so tired living life like this...

...please, you all, don't pass judgement on me. I really am doing the best I can...under such constant pressure.

I want to smoke a cigarette and don't even smoke.

Maybe with a bump in my Path, I head forward...

Tired Of Hearing This...

Was able to vist Dr. Psych, this morning. For the most of the visit we had good exchange, then I brought up the topic of hearing the voices. I don't feel or think right about these being an anomaly or an abnormality..."ghost limb syndrome", he brings this up every visit. I am afraid there is more to this than that. He's asked if I am able to distinguish his voice from the ones I hear...

...look, I may be gimpy and lose my balane several times a day. Can't hear worth a damned at times, but, dang, I think I've got some sense of who speaks like this and or that.

I have had Meniere's Disease for a few years. When my hearing is good I am able to catch the every nuance of conversations with kindred and stranger alike. When my hearing is having an off day I stay inside my lodge. It is usually during times of difficult hearing, there's hearing loss and yet am able to listen to voices clear as a conversation...

...for now we wait...I want to remain on this present medication I am taking. It's working something between my ears. Bad dreams have come with the package though. Yes, I do scare from these voices...Hell, I am able to distinguish the voices from we walking Earth Mother, and able to hear and remember the voices of them way long gone.

The mystery voices are a nuisance. The noises between my ears are different between speaking, listening and music/t.v. The crikets sing alone tonight. Loudy. The voices I hear are not from with-in. I know the difference, Dudes...am able to distinguish between here, there, and them who have crossed over. Nuisance?


Tonight, I feel low and drained of energy...I keep on keeping on.