Relations,
I am happy to be here tonight, happy really true, and thank you for being here with me.
There was a time some ago, I say, back into the late 1960's and early 1970's, as a boy, until age 11, I roamed these streets of West Tampa. I felt no fright then. It is today that I accept what I did as a child so young, so broken - like a broken arrow. I survived putting myself in those irresponsible, and those very many dangerous situations I put myself into. I was Blessed. I know this and reckon there was a Platoon of Angels at my every side. My Saviour, was with me then twenty four hours a day, and remains with me to this day. The Great Spirit, walked with me to that restaurant for work and was hired at Churches Fried Chicken. My Great One, guided me to that spot right there on Kennedy Drive. Back then, my main transportation was my awesomely handsome and pimped up larger-than-life Schwinn. Baby powder blue. Fresh. What?
So many memories. Life memories. Those and them memories inappropriate for a nine, ten or 11 year old boy. Child. Yes. Things a boy ought not have lived in body, mind and heart every damned day of life. So, I roamed and I roamed about at will and well into the wee hours of the night. Me, a kid, a child. My Boy. With a body still maturing. My body not yet fully formed. I thought and would think, and made decisions that would justify me roaming. So I would roam freely on the streets of my blocks and other communities. From Cypress, down to Bay Shore Blvd. True. Then Down Town to roam an entirely different scene.
My God! You, my Senior, it was you who rode with me in those childhood days living in West Tampa. Back then West Tampa, my community represented a Diverse Community "before", diversity community talk even began. To become the talk of a later day. A later time. Seen. Very usually, I would adventure solo. Late into the night like a wolf. My Light Blue Schwinn was my Pony, for sure. Then, there were times I would roam by the power of my feet. I walked like "Forest Gump" would run. I walked and I walked.
I participated and played in neighborhood sport games like Base Ball, Kick Ball, and Foot Ball with the Kids on the block and with them from beyond. From else where. These boys and girls would travel to us. Really. Yes,. I was a fairly good athlete and one with good sportsmanship. And please, let me share this, I was also a mean ass marble player. No doubt and by far, Face, my kid sister, you remember our dear friends direct from Cuba, who lived across the street from us were smart good shooters in-the-round. I remember our dude, Papo, who from a fucking distance, smashed a sweet patch of my marbles. Damn. What a memory. Right Good sometimes, but inconsistent. Those Twin Boys were free marbles for us and Prince Albert In-The-Can, was too easy. Remember?
Fuck yeah, I know you do. We carried on for a spell and just played so damned many opponents. But, Girls, we were good! Yep, I had marbles by the milk gallon. Baby Sis. Theresa, knew her big brother would hook her up if she needed a few. I suspect, maybe a couple of my kid siblings hit my marble stash. I always figured it was David or Danny. I smile because them two are my baby brothers. In their little hands seven marbles were a lot. Ya-Hey! My little bro's! Hey-Ya!
Shoot, there were a couple of "Sister's from other Mister's", who lived down the street from we, us, them damned Sierra Kids. Huh? America. Alright then. We were freaking sharp ass shooter's. Sharp as a tack and brilliant sharks too. I remember once, them two Sista's got hold of some metal balloon-keys (Large marbles) that created drama. very much consultation, and a lot of chaos on the marble round. Shit! My baby sister Face, had good danged shots. There was a Girl from across the street named Kitty Kat. You know what, these gruels started to get their skills on, Janet...
...now, dammit, you know that I know, you know I know, I sure hated losing my damned marbles to you all. My Friend Girls. Dammit.
That was so much racket. West Tampa!
Oh please, let me share there was one another Game we enjoyed playing very much. It was called, "Faha" (The Belt!) and we participated with the kid's from another block or few. Our Crew, us from The Block. The one who ever was appointed the one to hide it, would hide this Faha. Then once an opposing team mate found the belt, we were to yell "Faha!", and scream, yell, and run about, and commencing to beating the shit out of one and another OR until we were all safe at home base. There were a couple, few times - right there near Cypress, that I would get my ass whipped by adolescent girls and Angel, I won't mention no names, right. But Faith, (not really her name, but close.) and Lala, (Not really Her name, but close), would whack me bad, sometimes so bad, I would cuss and curse the mess out of them. Now that I think about it, it was Faith and Lala, them two who lived right down the street from us, and a couple doors down from them bleeding twin boys.
I know today, I was, am and have been Blessed for decades to have all of you, my fellow youth's from the block, "Old School Style" - West Tampa in my real life - from back then.Playing Basket Ball with the wrestlers. One name I remember is Dusty Rhodes, Yes. You remember, my Dad's Dad, hanging at the Casino in Ybor City, running numbers. Life, wasn't it? Like your people's, we too are multi generation Tampanian's. This being my Dad's blood, with My Abuela's, and Abuelo's, Tia's and Tio's, why sure. Our people's always had each others back. Just like I knew damned good and well you two had mine and my sisters back. May God Bless your hearts.
God Bless America! What happened to time? Time. Time. Breath Dude. Breath. Scream.
I don't know, eh, but here I am, forty or so years later on. I am blessed to have two beautiful, world traveling daughters. An extraordinary wife, who I love with every breath I breathe. Four Bebe's sisters and their children, my gorgeous Nephews and Nieces. Oh God, I love you all. You are World Class teachers and I am thankful you are in my life. All and each and every one, I am blessed and there for I am blessed. Thank you God,
I still love and see "Faith and Lala", every once and again. Yep. I even still have a couple dozen of my marbles. Love. One Love and peace. I love my Kin and tonight, I am happy to be alive.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Report High Rate Of Pain, Telephone Calls To Clinic, No Service or No Sleep
Kind One's,
I am here on the total opposite end of my sleep spectrum - I have not slept this past night because of the awful agony and pain in my neck, scalp and the whole package of upper torso and skull. The symptoms of Meniere's and it's post attack issues are bad situations. It is like disease criss-crossing. I woke up at 0930 yesterday morning, once this time reaches back around to 0930, I will have been awake for twenty-four hours. This is not unusual, because these have occurred many times when and where I'll have stretches of "non-sleep". I reckon, here we go again.
I just got off the telephone from the clinics answering service. I made another attempt to reach a fellow human being at the Neurological Center at Tampa General Hospital Rehab Center. I kept pressing zero until I got someone I could speak with even though there was no aid at all from this young man. My ear hole to the brain, just wanted some one or maybe even a machine to leave a simple message, my dears. There were times in this past evening when pain was so bad, my body would let loose of a guttural body sound. A natural inner human sound that must have conveyed messages to others back before we humans learned to talk. I made an honorable, right-good attempt to sleep, I lay next to my dear wife Bwanatanabi, I listened to her breath and the hounds snore. I made several attempts to self-massage, but can't do this anymore because my fingers go numb, then the hurt, but read and back to this savage pain in my neck, shoulders, arms, and back, I've also had two ear spasms and three face spasms since yesterday. The night before was disgusting with pain. The pain lingers with me, off and on all damned day long, it is here.
Wait a minute. Let me say what I have to say, by saying first of all that the prescription for my new medication was provided me incomplete. The quantity was on the script, as were the grams per pill, but, She-Who-Typed-Up, did not provide dose directions/orders. This error created an issue at our Drug Store Pharmacy, Walgreen's, creating a long line in pharmacy, and so very, very embarrassing. It was just Tuesday, 27 August, that we had a Botox inject-a-thon. AND, here I sit tip-tapping at 0630 because I can't sleep due to these pains within my skin. There were a couple of times that I was close to sleep last night, then a pain would attack my neck-connected to my shoulder-connected to my arm bone, the one I can massage the bone where my left bicep is located.
(Note: I just had an ear spasm that stopped my life. I try to push my finger threw my ear to massage it. That was an eight approaching a nine on the level of pain. My God.)
Look, Jean Luc, there's something wrong here and there's something not right. I mean, what the shit is this? I feel this energy in my heart and it is a sad energy. The energy that has been around me has been harsh and negative. My mind, heart, bones and Spirit's senses an oddity.
My Right Good Guest's, I make clear I don't want any more medications by mouth for now. I have too many different kinds and types and am requesting we take a test run with what I have presently, and presently this is just not working or has not begun to work in a satisfactory manner. Combating these pains, includes talks with my doctor. I have begun the new medicinal changes. If things should not change within the next few days, then She-With-Many-Names and I will have a gathering much sooner than later. I've not been in search of medicine or medication. I am not the one person writing the prescriptions and orders. I am ignorant of the medicine talk, I assure you, I know what it feels like to have my medications refused by outside agencies. Folks playing interference with a patient and a doctors directions and orders are very much beyond me. These are ideas, recommendations, and suggestions provided to me, the patient, by my professor. How in all of South Africa, would I have ever even, directed Botox injects? Please.
I am the patient.
To feel that I am being treated differently than other patients in my Rehab Center, this is against my Rights as a patient. To observe my own Team Mates at TGH Rehab disregard me, treat me with a rush and then send me along hurts. To need to connect with my awesome doctor and not have a true opportunity hurts. Four or five minutes is too brief of an encounter with professor. I love this honorable doctor - I need to feel she cares and that this Team is on my side and looking out for my best interest. There is too much drama in my day to day. I surely do not need other peoples shit.
By the way, to have been provided and be within ear shot of a conversation, where two nursing/doctor professional thought it prudent to speak aloud about one of the patients there in clinic who "just wants to take advantage of medication". Well then. I know they knew, I knew I heard a conversation, for shits sake, I'm deaf and Hard of Hearing and not focused on a damned thing out side of the exam room until this ambiguous comment was made near me. No, I'm not paranoid. I'll say that I've been around for a spell. Seen. I have been a patient in hospital dozens and dozens of times, I am damned well aware of my Patient Rights.
There is something in my center that whispers, I have been betrayed by members of an important group of my Team. Remember, betrayal in my life is traumatic. Looks like I have some thinking to do, decision's to make, and considerations in store. I think the poop hitting the fan has been promoted from elephant dung to whale poop hitting the proverbial fan.
I can call my clinic "only" between the hours of 0800 and 1600. The answering service wouldn't even attempt to help the brother out, so I've waited until 0800 to begin calling the nurses station.
I have no more to say.
I am here on the total opposite end of my sleep spectrum - I have not slept this past night because of the awful agony and pain in my neck, scalp and the whole package of upper torso and skull. The symptoms of Meniere's and it's post attack issues are bad situations. It is like disease criss-crossing. I woke up at 0930 yesterday morning, once this time reaches back around to 0930, I will have been awake for twenty-four hours. This is not unusual, because these have occurred many times when and where I'll have stretches of "non-sleep". I reckon, here we go again.
I just got off the telephone from the clinics answering service. I made another attempt to reach a fellow human being at the Neurological Center at Tampa General Hospital Rehab Center. I kept pressing zero until I got someone I could speak with even though there was no aid at all from this young man. My ear hole to the brain, just wanted some one or maybe even a machine to leave a simple message, my dears. There were times in this past evening when pain was so bad, my body would let loose of a guttural body sound. A natural inner human sound that must have conveyed messages to others back before we humans learned to talk. I made an honorable, right-good attempt to sleep, I lay next to my dear wife Bwanatanabi, I listened to her breath and the hounds snore. I made several attempts to self-massage, but can't do this anymore because my fingers go numb, then the hurt, but read and back to this savage pain in my neck, shoulders, arms, and back, I've also had two ear spasms and three face spasms since yesterday. The night before was disgusting with pain. The pain lingers with me, off and on all damned day long, it is here.
Wait a minute. Let me say what I have to say, by saying first of all that the prescription for my new medication was provided me incomplete. The quantity was on the script, as were the grams per pill, but, She-Who-Typed-Up, did not provide dose directions/orders. This error created an issue at our Drug Store Pharmacy, Walgreen's, creating a long line in pharmacy, and so very, very embarrassing. It was just Tuesday, 27 August, that we had a Botox inject-a-thon. AND, here I sit tip-tapping at 0630 because I can't sleep due to these pains within my skin. There were a couple of times that I was close to sleep last night, then a pain would attack my neck-connected to my shoulder-connected to my arm bone, the one I can massage the bone where my left bicep is located.
(Note: I just had an ear spasm that stopped my life. I try to push my finger threw my ear to massage it. That was an eight approaching a nine on the level of pain. My God.)
Look, Jean Luc, there's something wrong here and there's something not right. I mean, what the shit is this? I feel this energy in my heart and it is a sad energy. The energy that has been around me has been harsh and negative. My mind, heart, bones and Spirit's senses an oddity.
My Right Good Guest's, I make clear I don't want any more medications by mouth for now. I have too many different kinds and types and am requesting we take a test run with what I have presently, and presently this is just not working or has not begun to work in a satisfactory manner. Combating these pains, includes talks with my doctor. I have begun the new medicinal changes. If things should not change within the next few days, then She-With-Many-Names and I will have a gathering much sooner than later. I've not been in search of medicine or medication. I am not the one person writing the prescriptions and orders. I am ignorant of the medicine talk, I assure you, I know what it feels like to have my medications refused by outside agencies. Folks playing interference with a patient and a doctors directions and orders are very much beyond me. These are ideas, recommendations, and suggestions provided to me, the patient, by my professor. How in all of South Africa, would I have ever even, directed Botox injects? Please.
I am the patient.
To feel that I am being treated differently than other patients in my Rehab Center, this is against my Rights as a patient. To observe my own Team Mates at TGH Rehab disregard me, treat me with a rush and then send me along hurts. To need to connect with my awesome doctor and not have a true opportunity hurts. Four or five minutes is too brief of an encounter with professor. I love this honorable doctor - I need to feel she cares and that this Team is on my side and looking out for my best interest. There is too much drama in my day to day. I surely do not need other peoples shit.
By the way, to have been provided and be within ear shot of a conversation, where two nursing/doctor professional thought it prudent to speak aloud about one of the patients there in clinic who "just wants to take advantage of medication". Well then. I know they knew, I knew I heard a conversation, for shits sake, I'm deaf and Hard of Hearing and not focused on a damned thing out side of the exam room until this ambiguous comment was made near me. No, I'm not paranoid. I'll say that I've been around for a spell. Seen. I have been a patient in hospital dozens and dozens of times, I am damned well aware of my Patient Rights.
There is something in my center that whispers, I have been betrayed by members of an important group of my Team. Remember, betrayal in my life is traumatic. Looks like I have some thinking to do, decision's to make, and considerations in store. I think the poop hitting the fan has been promoted from elephant dung to whale poop hitting the proverbial fan.
I can call my clinic "only" between the hours of 0800 and 1600. The answering service wouldn't even attempt to help the brother out, so I've waited until 0800 to begin calling the nurses station.
I have no more to say.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Still, I Look Up
Kind One's,
Just as quick as this page popped up, I wished to express I still look up when in prayer. I pray at the drop of a tear drop and pray for all of My God's People's. I contemplate the crossing over of my Kin Folk and Kindred Spirit's. Memories of the times we shared and our love. I feel the loss, and pray prayers of thanks. Beginning in childhood, while in prayer at chapel or church, I look up and contemplate upon the wounds of my Holy One. His wounds so torturous they are beyond my comprehension. My Sweet Lord, I look up and into your eye's, as we pray together, You and I.
Relations, I pray when I see an auto accident. I pray when I can hear the sirens of Fire Fighter's, Police, Ambulances and all other First Responders. I pray for our Armed Forces, the women and men of our Military and their families. I pray for them who are my Kinfolk and Kindred One's, who are also my Hero's and Shero's. In my Circle there are three Fire Fighter's and One Police Officer. Should I be out of doors, I take a glance up for them. Two awesome Teacher's too.
I continue to pray my Catholic prayers. I still pray my prayer's to Mother Earth. I pray my prayers to God. My God, your God, his God, her God, them-across-the-pond's God. Sometimes, I pray for Jesus and His Mom, The Virgin Mother. I've looked into many skies and spoke prayers to Hail Mary and pray my Our Father's. I pray the Serenity Prayer in an instant. Pray.
It is 0100, I sit here sweating with a Grade 6 pain level. My neck. My ear spasms. My left arm down to my pinkie and ring finger. My scalp burns and cluster pains have attacked wickedly. My back. I pray for understanding and faith. And a prayer that I'll find the way. I trust my many physician's, doctors and professors and I pray for them and their hands and minds. I pray for a cure. I pray to lessen torture created by my body. Please.
It is time to say I believe in the power of prayer. I have seen it with my eye's. I have seen miracle's and have experienced life altering trauma, while also having had many life blessing's that are indescribable. Yes, still, I look up and let the sunlight make me squint as I pray to Jesus, and as he passes over head, I wave.
I pray by name. Yes, dammit, when God and I connect, we talk about it all. Well, now that I think about it, my prayers go to My God. The Great Spirit, who carries the big book, He who knew since it was written.
God Bless America! God Bless Syria! No more Genocide! God Bless Egypt! God Bless South Africa and God, please Bless Mr. Nelson Mandela. Prayers to our President Obama and his family. Great Spirit, I pray that some of these Folks in our nations capital let our President do the job of the elected official. God, please bless my brothers and sisters in Syria, Heavanly One, Genocide in this year 2013. Children and Women choking to death from a chemical used by one person onto fellow country people's. Please, I say in prayer, no more Genocide.
Still, I pray for peace.
Just as quick as this page popped up, I wished to express I still look up when in prayer. I pray at the drop of a tear drop and pray for all of My God's People's. I contemplate the crossing over of my Kin Folk and Kindred Spirit's. Memories of the times we shared and our love. I feel the loss, and pray prayers of thanks. Beginning in childhood, while in prayer at chapel or church, I look up and contemplate upon the wounds of my Holy One. His wounds so torturous they are beyond my comprehension. My Sweet Lord, I look up and into your eye's, as we pray together, You and I.
Relations, I pray when I see an auto accident. I pray when I can hear the sirens of Fire Fighter's, Police, Ambulances and all other First Responders. I pray for our Armed Forces, the women and men of our Military and their families. I pray for them who are my Kinfolk and Kindred One's, who are also my Hero's and Shero's. In my Circle there are three Fire Fighter's and One Police Officer. Should I be out of doors, I take a glance up for them. Two awesome Teacher's too.
I continue to pray my Catholic prayers. I still pray my prayer's to Mother Earth. I pray my prayers to God. My God, your God, his God, her God, them-across-the-pond's God. Sometimes, I pray for Jesus and His Mom, The Virgin Mother. I've looked into many skies and spoke prayers to Hail Mary and pray my Our Father's. I pray the Serenity Prayer in an instant. Pray.
It is 0100, I sit here sweating with a Grade 6 pain level. My neck. My ear spasms. My left arm down to my pinkie and ring finger. My scalp burns and cluster pains have attacked wickedly. My back. I pray for understanding and faith. And a prayer that I'll find the way. I trust my many physician's, doctors and professors and I pray for them and their hands and minds. I pray for a cure. I pray to lessen torture created by my body. Please.
It is time to say I believe in the power of prayer. I have seen it with my eye's. I have seen miracle's and have experienced life altering trauma, while also having had many life blessing's that are indescribable. Yes, still, I look up and let the sunlight make me squint as I pray to Jesus, and as he passes over head, I wave.
I pray by name. Yes, dammit, when God and I connect, we talk about it all. Well, now that I think about it, my prayers go to My God. The Great Spirit, who carries the big book, He who knew since it was written.
God Bless America! God Bless Syria! No more Genocide! God Bless Egypt! God Bless South Africa and God, please Bless Mr. Nelson Mandela. Prayers to our President Obama and his family. Great Spirit, I pray that some of these Folks in our nations capital let our President do the job of the elected official. God, please bless my brothers and sisters in Syria, Heavanly One, Genocide in this year 2013. Children and Women choking to death from a chemical used by one person onto fellow country people's. Please, I say in prayer, no more Genocide.
Still, I pray for peace.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Pain I Am In And Meniere's
Kindred,
Today, I had no alternative but remain ready and steadfast. I had an appointment with doctor's and staff there at the Rehabilitation Center at Tampa General Hospital. I took my Little Blue Bus across county for my doctor appointment and my baby sis, who happens to work over in that vicinity transported me home. Blessed I am! Thank you, Baby Sis! Seen.
No sounds that I want to hear are coming from either ear.
I am in pain. Yes, in pain with medicine in my stomach and a system influenced by Botox injections that were provided at plus twenty injectables. Tonight still I am in pain. In my shoulders, upper arms, neck, scalp and back. I am exhausted and "unable" to sleep. Weird. eh?
While at the Rehab. Center, there was not much of a feeling for a welcome. No, not there today. There was too much of a rush-me-in and rush-me-out scenario today, too much like a cattle round up, line them up, get your shots/brand and be off. Just like that too. I was under the medicinal influence of my medications while at rehab. The entire contents of my stomach were medications, as I did not break fast. My blood pressure substantially increased while there. I was then as I am now, very nauseated, sweating, dizzy and emotional. Yes, I wept.
I love my doctor, but some of her staff very truly need a bit of in-service/sensitivity training, STAT. Nurses? Bless their hearts. Most of these folks don't even know me, neither would they know that I am there because I do not want anymore medicine. For shits sake! I am in search of professional aid and assistance. I am in search of a cure and hope. With Meniere's Disease, I have none. I didn't have much of an opportunity to speak with my Dr. She-With-Many-Names. I believe if we had an a better connection, this visit would have been a better visit all around.
I am in pain. It is 0200 and no, I would rather not visit the emergency departments. I called the rehab center just a couple/few of minutes ago to leave a message on the Nurses Station telephone line. There was not a thing. Nothing. No recorder for messages or even a human voice.
With cicadas seven foot tall driving me mad, cow's mooing, along with all the other post Meniere's Disease vertigo attack symptoms, I suck on my asthma puffers, and I eat my medication as directed.
This pain I am in, right now. My right shoulder down my right arm, to the bone.
As you drop your mic to the floor, I look up and see your eyes, yours to mine. Kenny, Oh Kenny.
Today, I had no alternative but remain ready and steadfast. I had an appointment with doctor's and staff there at the Rehabilitation Center at Tampa General Hospital. I took my Little Blue Bus across county for my doctor appointment and my baby sis, who happens to work over in that vicinity transported me home. Blessed I am! Thank you, Baby Sis! Seen.
No sounds that I want to hear are coming from either ear.
I am in pain. Yes, in pain with medicine in my stomach and a system influenced by Botox injections that were provided at plus twenty injectables. Tonight still I am in pain. In my shoulders, upper arms, neck, scalp and back. I am exhausted and "unable" to sleep. Weird. eh?
While at the Rehab. Center, there was not much of a feeling for a welcome. No, not there today. There was too much of a rush-me-in and rush-me-out scenario today, too much like a cattle round up, line them up, get your shots/brand and be off. Just like that too. I was under the medicinal influence of my medications while at rehab. The entire contents of my stomach were medications, as I did not break fast. My blood pressure substantially increased while there. I was then as I am now, very nauseated, sweating, dizzy and emotional. Yes, I wept.
I love my doctor, but some of her staff very truly need a bit of in-service/sensitivity training, STAT. Nurses? Bless their hearts. Most of these folks don't even know me, neither would they know that I am there because I do not want anymore medicine. For shits sake! I am in search of professional aid and assistance. I am in search of a cure and hope. With Meniere's Disease, I have none. I didn't have much of an opportunity to speak with my Dr. She-With-Many-Names. I believe if we had an a better connection, this visit would have been a better visit all around.
I am in pain. It is 0200 and no, I would rather not visit the emergency departments. I called the rehab center just a couple/few of minutes ago to leave a message on the Nurses Station telephone line. There was not a thing. Nothing. No recorder for messages or even a human voice.
With cicadas seven foot tall driving me mad, cow's mooing, along with all the other post Meniere's Disease vertigo attack symptoms, I suck on my asthma puffers, and I eat my medication as directed.
This pain I am in, right now. My right shoulder down my right arm, to the bone.
As you drop your mic to the floor, I look up and see your eyes, yours to mine. Kenny, Oh Kenny.
HARP Program, Botox Injections, Good Night Uncle Roy
Relations,
It is best I keep this communique brief. I am outraged regarding two subjects, one of which also brings me sadness to my core.
I received a telephone from one of my sisters who lives in Georgia at approximately 0940 this morning. Sis informs me that our Uncle Roy crossed over last night. If not for my baby sis calling me, I would've eventually found out by Face Book. This reminds me of a death in our family not too long ago. I am not sure where I sit with this whole report by face book form of communications. My Sis informs me tubes were removed permitting him to move along and cross over at approximately 2300. Uncle Roy, is my Mom's baby brother and he's the last of my elders to die on this side of my family. There are no more elders. Can this be real?
I imagine my Ma, her Dad and Mom, Grandma Flossie, who died on my Mother's 13th Birthday, and all of our aunts and uncles and all of our Kin Folk are reunited in heaven. There's going to be some fried green tomatoes, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes coming up for sure. I will pass on peace and love to my cousins later on today. My goodness gracious.
Good Night Uncle Roy.
At exactly 0951, shortly upon disconnecting with my sis, I received a call marked Unavailable, and because I don't know any one by the name Unavailable, I almost didn't pick up. I usually don't, but I did though, and perhaps it would have been best I not, because this was one of our bankers wanting to speak with me about our mortgage. Sydney, my mind lights up like the fourth of July fire works down by the bay. My dear spouse and I have made attempt after attempt to speak with a professional pertaining to this very subject. We've been pushed about, handled by one and passed to another, and unable to speak with a professional who might assist us with negotiation's. All, to no avail. Now. To have a not-so-happy-person on the other end of the telephone attempt to be hoggish with me, um, well, I had to let the young lady know she'll have to have somebody else call be from Wells Fargo, not The 'Unavailable' Company. Seen.
I await the arrival of my Lil Blue Bus to take me to hospital. Today is the day I receive my final and increased dose of Botox. Injections all bout my face, neck, and shoulders. Goodness gracious Great Balls on fire. I am nervous as a kid waiting to see the principle. Whew, hell yes I am.
She-With-Many-Names and I will discuss the future with my case. We will speak of the rejection yet again for one of her order's and questions about another - all from third parties. This interference is beginning to interfere with doctor - patient team work. I still have not been able to wrap the concept around this huge skull of mine. We will have talks today about an implant.
I've got to go. I'll hear the door bell any minute. Gotta go then.
It is best I keep this communique brief. I am outraged regarding two subjects, one of which also brings me sadness to my core.
I received a telephone from one of my sisters who lives in Georgia at approximately 0940 this morning. Sis informs me that our Uncle Roy crossed over last night. If not for my baby sis calling me, I would've eventually found out by Face Book. This reminds me of a death in our family not too long ago. I am not sure where I sit with this whole report by face book form of communications. My Sis informs me tubes were removed permitting him to move along and cross over at approximately 2300. Uncle Roy, is my Mom's baby brother and he's the last of my elders to die on this side of my family. There are no more elders. Can this be real?
I imagine my Ma, her Dad and Mom, Grandma Flossie, who died on my Mother's 13th Birthday, and all of our aunts and uncles and all of our Kin Folk are reunited in heaven. There's going to be some fried green tomatoes, fried chicken, and mashed potatoes coming up for sure. I will pass on peace and love to my cousins later on today. My goodness gracious.
Good Night Uncle Roy.
At exactly 0951, shortly upon disconnecting with my sis, I received a call marked Unavailable, and because I don't know any one by the name Unavailable, I almost didn't pick up. I usually don't, but I did though, and perhaps it would have been best I not, because this was one of our bankers wanting to speak with me about our mortgage. Sydney, my mind lights up like the fourth of July fire works down by the bay. My dear spouse and I have made attempt after attempt to speak with a professional pertaining to this very subject. We've been pushed about, handled by one and passed to another, and unable to speak with a professional who might assist us with negotiation's. All, to no avail. Now. To have a not-so-happy-person on the other end of the telephone attempt to be hoggish with me, um, well, I had to let the young lady know she'll have to have somebody else call be from Wells Fargo, not The 'Unavailable' Company. Seen.
I await the arrival of my Lil Blue Bus to take me to hospital. Today is the day I receive my final and increased dose of Botox. Injections all bout my face, neck, and shoulders. Goodness gracious Great Balls on fire. I am nervous as a kid waiting to see the principle. Whew, hell yes I am.
She-With-Many-Names and I will discuss the future with my case. We will speak of the rejection yet again for one of her order's and questions about another - all from third parties. This interference is beginning to interfere with doctor - patient team work. I still have not been able to wrap the concept around this huge skull of mine. We will have talks today about an implant.
I've got to go. I'll hear the door bell any minute. Gotta go then.
Monday, August 26, 2013
Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part Two
Kind One's,
Welcome, dear Guest's, it's my honor for your visit.
Here on this blog, I have expressed the importance of trust in my day-to-day life. In words spoken aloud, the same - for me, and this path I follow, with every step I walk. Every day and every breathe. Trust, deeply in my mind is paramount. Spirit's, say same. Seen. Betrayal of my trust is traumatic for me. I must trust kin folk and kindred, this is a necessity. Once and each time I am betrayed, I am harmed and I am no longer the same person.
The break in trust creates much sadness, anxiety, and a break in kin ship and I mourn. It is unfortunate. There have been many people I met in the business world - at work, where dear friendships happen. Those folks from way back in school or the military. Kindred Ones from the groups I have been associated with, the love and trust created when one and another has made change in life. My heart goes bad and I cry. When a very fellow human being crosses my path for one time, this is when a person becomes a part of my circle. It is them in my inner most circle who reinforce my direction on this path. I say thank you each and all. Just please don't betray me.
Day by day, I move along. Sometimes I move along with a might nice energy within, while there are too many some times, my body and I are sequestered, and not a damned thing to do about it. But eat my medicine and lay there. When Meniere's vertigo attacks happen, I am not at the controls of this bull shit disease. I am usually dispatched quickly by Meniere's vertigo attacks and then I am confined to my quarters for days at a time. Sleeping for sometimes twenty-four hour stretches, entombed by the slumber, also within the grasp of the gloom. When a betrayal is, lines been crossed and betrayals made, trauma becomes heavy in my skin.
Along with Meniere's Disease, I have asthma that takes my breathe from my lungs, with the cervical spine and neurological pain, the all of this, the diseases and factors tell me it is my very own body that is betraying me. These are my body parts and pieces betraying me, for shits sake.
There have been too many times to know how many times, I have laid in my bed, sweating, spinning, gagging, crying, can't breath, me ears roar, my vision blurred, my pulse increases, my blood pressure goes up and I gag - sometimes vomiting. And this is when I am struck in or near my bed. There have been too many times I have laid on cold Turkish tile, on wet and itchy grass and sand, or on hot ass pavement. I have fallen so many times I can not say how many times I have given way to gravity. There is falls and horror with every fall. That's all.
Cedric, I can not do a damned thing about being deaf, and am to wear a BAHA processor that is attached to an abutment and implant on the left side of my skull. There isn't a thing I can do with the loss of hearing in my right ear but wear a hearing aid.
The pains in my head, skull, scalp, neck, shoulders, arms, back, legs and ass are so severe that my professor has provided procedures to inject Botox into my face, neck, and shoulders. I have another procedure coming up later this month, my last session. Whew God! Yes, I am so happy these are wrapping up. Professor has realized a higher dosage of Botox is required on the left side of my face. My left eye has become lazy and does not appear normal or attractive. This is the very professor who will be the surgeon for an implant and processor in my cervical spine. Should my trusted team and I, consider it so.
This is just too deep and embarrassing times for me.
Since that little boy called me, Mario, was introduced to sex, and becoming a victim at four. The incest that began earlier than four, was practically daily. All of the grooming processes. The fucking confusion that came with the molestations and rapes by perpetrators in the family and family friends. The Spec. 5, who sexually assaulted me while we were stationed in Darmstadt, Germany. There were times when I put myself in the position to be abused later in life. I did act out as a person with an intense preoccupation with sex. I've known this for my entire life. I have gone through intense years and many years of therapy, groups and one on one's. I had to take inventory after inventory of me as a fellow human. I have worked hard with my therapists, I was steadfast with my attacks to heal and be a right good man and person for my wife, Kin daughters, Kin Folk and Kindred.
When I had sex introduced to me as a toddler, from the very first time I was violated, and from that moment on - through out my entire childhood and my adolescence and early adulthood years, I have had sex on/in my MIND EVERY-DAMNED-DAY - I lived, I survived because I knew damned good and well, I was going to be molested by folks I knew, I knew when, and where too. Oh, my dearest brothers and sisters, everything that you have read prior to this very word, has been said and spoken before, and there is a reason behind the expressions of utter disgust I share, you see, I feel every thing that I have said in my heart, mind, body, and Soul.
There has been some very deep and embarrassing times in my life.
I am an individual who enjoys being positive and motivated in my life. I have always enjoyed spreading love and peace and understanding. I've always been such a fellow and a good leader. I 've been blessed to work with fine, and intelligent people's, and I remember working with great passions and energy. Folks, our customers would search our team's out from the various stores in our community to purchase their coffee and their favorite beverages. Relations, I was very happy to work good and hard, and be associated with such fantastic customers and partners while with Starbucks Coffee Company. My dear good best friends who worked with me at The Big Blue Box. God knows I fell in love with a whole bunch of you all. My work became such a part of me, that I now dream of working. Yes, as in working while I sleep and in Dream World. There have been dreams I am working with two different companies of my work history at the same time.
Today, I feel the knowledge in my heart and in my bones that this body of mine has become damaged goods. It's my bones and flesh, that are damaged goods, I say!
My aura, heart, and energy, remain as is - bright and as positive as I can be. I love life.
Betrayal, as I perceive it has compounded my life's issues with my health with these life altering diseases. I feel unfortunate for me, betrayed by my body and health, and it hurts to say, I know I have been betrayed by others. I'm afraid that I must close shop. Too much of my inner energy and I am gone exhausted
There has been some very deep and embarrassing times in my life.
Note: This is part two of a rather long communique I started several weeks ago. Yes, I have spell checked, I have reviewed and yes, I have edited this post to you. I am sorry for the editing/censuring, it is not something I practice. Censorship.
Welcome, dear Guest's, it's my honor for your visit.
Here on this blog, I have expressed the importance of trust in my day-to-day life. In words spoken aloud, the same - for me, and this path I follow, with every step I walk. Every day and every breathe. Trust, deeply in my mind is paramount. Spirit's, say same. Seen. Betrayal of my trust is traumatic for me. I must trust kin folk and kindred, this is a necessity. Once and each time I am betrayed, I am harmed and I am no longer the same person.
The break in trust creates much sadness, anxiety, and a break in kin ship and I mourn. It is unfortunate. There have been many people I met in the business world - at work, where dear friendships happen. Those folks from way back in school or the military. Kindred Ones from the groups I have been associated with, the love and trust created when one and another has made change in life. My heart goes bad and I cry. When a very fellow human being crosses my path for one time, this is when a person becomes a part of my circle. It is them in my inner most circle who reinforce my direction on this path. I say thank you each and all. Just please don't betray me.
Day by day, I move along. Sometimes I move along with a might nice energy within, while there are too many some times, my body and I are sequestered, and not a damned thing to do about it. But eat my medicine and lay there. When Meniere's vertigo attacks happen, I am not at the controls of this bull shit disease. I am usually dispatched quickly by Meniere's vertigo attacks and then I am confined to my quarters for days at a time. Sleeping for sometimes twenty-four hour stretches, entombed by the slumber, also within the grasp of the gloom. When a betrayal is, lines been crossed and betrayals made, trauma becomes heavy in my skin.
Along with Meniere's Disease, I have asthma that takes my breathe from my lungs, with the cervical spine and neurological pain, the all of this, the diseases and factors tell me it is my very own body that is betraying me. These are my body parts and pieces betraying me, for shits sake.
There have been too many times to know how many times, I have laid in my bed, sweating, spinning, gagging, crying, can't breath, me ears roar, my vision blurred, my pulse increases, my blood pressure goes up and I gag - sometimes vomiting. And this is when I am struck in or near my bed. There have been too many times I have laid on cold Turkish tile, on wet and itchy grass and sand, or on hot ass pavement. I have fallen so many times I can not say how many times I have given way to gravity. There is falls and horror with every fall. That's all.
Cedric, I can not do a damned thing about being deaf, and am to wear a BAHA processor that is attached to an abutment and implant on the left side of my skull. There isn't a thing I can do with the loss of hearing in my right ear but wear a hearing aid.
The pains in my head, skull, scalp, neck, shoulders, arms, back, legs and ass are so severe that my professor has provided procedures to inject Botox into my face, neck, and shoulders. I have another procedure coming up later this month, my last session. Whew God! Yes, I am so happy these are wrapping up. Professor has realized a higher dosage of Botox is required on the left side of my face. My left eye has become lazy and does not appear normal or attractive. This is the very professor who will be the surgeon for an implant and processor in my cervical spine. Should my trusted team and I, consider it so.
This is just too deep and embarrassing times for me.
Since that little boy called me, Mario, was introduced to sex, and becoming a victim at four. The incest that began earlier than four, was practically daily. All of the grooming processes. The fucking confusion that came with the molestations and rapes by perpetrators in the family and family friends. The Spec. 5, who sexually assaulted me while we were stationed in Darmstadt, Germany. There were times when I put myself in the position to be abused later in life. I did act out as a person with an intense preoccupation with sex. I've known this for my entire life. I have gone through intense years and many years of therapy, groups and one on one's. I had to take inventory after inventory of me as a fellow human. I have worked hard with my therapists, I was steadfast with my attacks to heal and be a right good man and person for my wife, Kin daughters, Kin Folk and Kindred.
When I had sex introduced to me as a toddler, from the very first time I was violated, and from that moment on - through out my entire childhood and my adolescence and early adulthood years, I have had sex on/in my MIND EVERY-DAMNED-DAY - I lived, I survived because I knew damned good and well, I was going to be molested by folks I knew, I knew when, and where too. Oh, my dearest brothers and sisters, everything that you have read prior to this very word, has been said and spoken before, and there is a reason behind the expressions of utter disgust I share, you see, I feel every thing that I have said in my heart, mind, body, and Soul.
There has been some very deep and embarrassing times in my life.
I am an individual who enjoys being positive and motivated in my life. I have always enjoyed spreading love and peace and understanding. I've always been such a fellow and a good leader. I 've been blessed to work with fine, and intelligent people's, and I remember working with great passions and energy. Folks, our customers would search our team's out from the various stores in our community to purchase their coffee and their favorite beverages. Relations, I was very happy to work good and hard, and be associated with such fantastic customers and partners while with Starbucks Coffee Company. My dear good best friends who worked with me at The Big Blue Box. God knows I fell in love with a whole bunch of you all. My work became such a part of me, that I now dream of working. Yes, as in working while I sleep and in Dream World. There have been dreams I am working with two different companies of my work history at the same time.
Today, I feel the knowledge in my heart and in my bones that this body of mine has become damaged goods. It's my bones and flesh, that are damaged goods, I say!
My aura, heart, and energy, remain as is - bright and as positive as I can be. I love life.
Betrayal, as I perceive it has compounded my life's issues with my health with these life altering diseases. I feel unfortunate for me, betrayed by my body and health, and it hurts to say, I know I have been betrayed by others. I'm afraid that I must close shop. Too much of my inner energy and I am gone exhausted
There has been some very deep and embarrassing times in my life.
Note: This is part two of a rather long communique I started several weeks ago. Yes, I have spell checked, I have reviewed and yes, I have edited this post to you. I am sorry for the editing/censuring, it is not something I practice. Censorship.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Sleep, An i-Pod Touch, and Dizziness
I succumbed to the grasps of the slumber, I was and felt safe there in my secret place. What more to say about there. My daughters gave their Dad an I-Pod Touch and it is simply the best stuff I have ever seen or imagined in all my days here. For shits sake, all I need is the phone piece and it would be "flashed!" so **blinged*with*sparkles** and such. This piece of equipment provides me the opportunity to be social. Besides, I really do not need the phone piece. (Don't ask)
I slept for a spell and have woken from slumber and stirred by what, I don't recall. I do remember a startle though, then snap and I've been awake for a few minutes. My bride lays there quietly, as I listened to and counted her respiration's.
As soon as I removed myself from bed, our Dear Abigail, aka My Ting Ting, slid safely into the warm spot where I had slept. Never in my life have I ever loved a non-human species as much as I love Ting Ting. She is an Angel sent by my God, to grow with me and protect me when dealing with the symptoms of Meniere's Disease. My little tiny Ting, is now about forty pounds, runs like a pony and is active as a puppy. Until I have issues with my health or fall, or it is time to call a time out, she is there. I might be outside for ten minutes and if Ting Ting thinks I am getting to much heat, she licks the back of my calf muscles to rush me along and into the lodge.
It is necessary to walk with each step by step and with purpose tonight. I am dizzy at this minute and I am so dizzy that my coordination has been affected. I have bumped into walls that seemed to have moved to obstruct my way. The furniture is at my knee caps and I get hit time and time again. These are nights when it is very necessary to have night lights shine my trail here in our home. I've found myself too many times waving my arm around trying to locate my quad cane. That's scary. I cuss and curse, but I do so to myself. (Then the next day's when I remind my spouse why it is I need these lights. Meniere's Disease has not only taken my hearing, it is also taking my vision. Jimmy, it is so not cool to be damned near deaf and have ill visuals affect one's walk in life too. In the night too. My eyes call a retreat. Good night then.
I slept for a spell and have woken from slumber and stirred by what, I don't recall. I do remember a startle though, then snap and I've been awake for a few minutes. My bride lays there quietly, as I listened to and counted her respiration's.
As soon as I removed myself from bed, our Dear Abigail, aka My Ting Ting, slid safely into the warm spot where I had slept. Never in my life have I ever loved a non-human species as much as I love Ting Ting. She is an Angel sent by my God, to grow with me and protect me when dealing with the symptoms of Meniere's Disease. My little tiny Ting, is now about forty pounds, runs like a pony and is active as a puppy. Until I have issues with my health or fall, or it is time to call a time out, she is there. I might be outside for ten minutes and if Ting Ting thinks I am getting to much heat, she licks the back of my calf muscles to rush me along and into the lodge.
It is necessary to walk with each step by step and with purpose tonight. I am dizzy at this minute and I am so dizzy that my coordination has been affected. I have bumped into walls that seemed to have moved to obstruct my way. The furniture is at my knee caps and I get hit time and time again. These are nights when it is very necessary to have night lights shine my trail here in our home. I've found myself too many times waving my arm around trying to locate my quad cane. That's scary. I cuss and curse, but I do so to myself. (Then the next day's when I remind my spouse why it is I need these lights. Meniere's Disease has not only taken my hearing, it is also taking my vision. Jimmy, it is so not cool to be damned near deaf and have ill visuals affect one's walk in life too. In the night too. My eyes call a retreat. Good night then.
I Fight The Sleep! My Earth Mate and Tick-Tick-Ticks
Kindred,
I have had the sleep of Meniere's keep me in bed for quite some time. Didn't time it and I am thinking that I will discontinue the practice today. I will report when the sleep occurs, but I am distracted enough with the actual sleepage, (my word) and how this distracts me from life in general. I have been up a spell and plan to fight the urges to sleep until dark at least. I want to spend time with my dearest Earth Mate...
...I say my Earth Mate, because I know this is best and the better way to describe us. Yes, yes, we are Soul Mates too, but this relationship is one Blessed By The Great Spirit. We have known one another damned near most our entire lives. It is actually true beyond words, I am clear minded, and am able to say that I do not know a life without my dearest girl friend/fiancé/wife named Botswana, in my life. I am Blessed, and I thank you, Lord.
Soon, the year Forty calls on us and I do not know how to acknowledge my wife. I do not know how to thank her for her love and her Spirit's. I want to hold her and kiss her until we speak of even more outrageous years to come. I'm so excited, she's a dear and I love her so much. We're both bitches, too, so that really helps us out on the whole bitch thingy. There are times now that it is if we are reading each others mind and heart. Such a connection. So I say yes, she is the one who is a fellow Earth Person, who has become One, who is so much more than words can describe. I think I am ignorant trying to say what I mean to say, but I love her with all my heart. I do.
My body aches and feels as if I might have been in a fight a couple nights ago, my ankles, knees, my back and all the way up to my shoulders and skull. Stewie, I hurt to the bones. My left ear and implant are picking up some sort of High Secret messages from Scotland Yard, too damned much loud communiques. My right ear is picking up a tick-tick-tick. I don't know why. It just goes like this, tick-tick-tick-tick and so on and so on and then? Green Beans!
I have had the sleep of Meniere's keep me in bed for quite some time. Didn't time it and I am thinking that I will discontinue the practice today. I will report when the sleep occurs, but I am distracted enough with the actual sleepage, (my word) and how this distracts me from life in general. I have been up a spell and plan to fight the urges to sleep until dark at least. I want to spend time with my dearest Earth Mate...
...I say my Earth Mate, because I know this is best and the better way to describe us. Yes, yes, we are Soul Mates too, but this relationship is one Blessed By The Great Spirit. We have known one another damned near most our entire lives. It is actually true beyond words, I am clear minded, and am able to say that I do not know a life without my dearest girl friend/fiancé/wife named Botswana, in my life. I am Blessed, and I thank you, Lord.
Soon, the year Forty calls on us and I do not know how to acknowledge my wife. I do not know how to thank her for her love and her Spirit's. I want to hold her and kiss her until we speak of even more outrageous years to come. I'm so excited, she's a dear and I love her so much. We're both bitches, too, so that really helps us out on the whole bitch thingy. There are times now that it is if we are reading each others mind and heart. Such a connection. So I say yes, she is the one who is a fellow Earth Person, who has become One, who is so much more than words can describe. I think I am ignorant trying to say what I mean to say, but I love her with all my heart. I do.
My body aches and feels as if I might have been in a fight a couple nights ago, my ankles, knees, my back and all the way up to my shoulders and skull. Stewie, I hurt to the bones. My left ear and implant are picking up some sort of High Secret messages from Scotland Yard, too damned much loud communiques. My right ear is picking up a tick-tick-tick. I don't know why. It just goes like this, tick-tick-tick-tick and so on and so on and then? Green Beans!
Friday, August 23, 2013
Contrary News From Home
There has been just a tad bit more contrary news coming from the home front. Our Lodge.
My significant other and I have had a sum of money removed straight from our life style, a chunk of which have gone to groceries and life. This is a consequence of losing her job with the company known as, The Former Job. Them-who-once-broke-bread and the government took back what little coins and tiny offering's to my spouse for working with a particular company for so many years. I have recently mentioned a few things about the amount of elephant poop that has been hitting our lives proverbial fan. The loss of the coins hurt the human side of this story, my bride and I. The grotesque act and injustice is something that those folks will eat and smell the remainder of their careers. My wife was letting go, immature management held the grudge.
There are always two sides to a coin and most definitely, always two sides to a tale. I know.
Both of my ears have gone hyper with noises and sounds between them both. Some sounds so bad last night that I was stirred from my sleep. Sounds of voices and conversations held down the hall, the noises of gator's, frogs five foot tall, and cicadas by the hundreds of thousands. Sometimes there are so many sounds and noises going on that it is frightening, times when this becomes overwhelming and I fear the night.
My throat is sore from the gagging. The nausea today is stationed between my Adams apple and my collar bone.
My eyes want to close shut so that I might return to sleep. Nay, I say. My left eye becomes more droopy and the right one has continued issues with vision. The right is also the one that wiggles.
I pray and contemplate better times on the horizon. Less contrary business at our address and here in our home. Seen.
My significant other and I have had a sum of money removed straight from our life style, a chunk of which have gone to groceries and life. This is a consequence of losing her job with the company known as, The Former Job. Them-who-once-broke-bread and the government took back what little coins and tiny offering's to my spouse for working with a particular company for so many years. I have recently mentioned a few things about the amount of elephant poop that has been hitting our lives proverbial fan. The loss of the coins hurt the human side of this story, my bride and I. The grotesque act and injustice is something that those folks will eat and smell the remainder of their careers. My wife was letting go, immature management held the grudge.
There are always two sides to a coin and most definitely, always two sides to a tale. I know.
Both of my ears have gone hyper with noises and sounds between them both. Some sounds so bad last night that I was stirred from my sleep. Sounds of voices and conversations held down the hall, the noises of gator's, frogs five foot tall, and cicadas by the hundreds of thousands. Sometimes there are so many sounds and noises going on that it is frightening, times when this becomes overwhelming and I fear the night.
My throat is sore from the gagging. The nausea today is stationed between my Adams apple and my collar bone.
My eyes want to close shut so that I might return to sleep. Nay, I say. My left eye becomes more droopy and the right one has continued issues with vision. The right is also the one that wiggles.
I pray and contemplate better times on the horizon. Less contrary business at our address and here in our home. Seen.
Two Attacks In Three Days
Relations,
I am compelled to have these connections here on my path today.
I have had two Meniere's attacks in as many days, yesterday and the day before. Today, my body and I are here to deal with the consequences.
My body and I want to sleep, my bones inclined to be in the reclined horizontal position, rather than have me be here at the computer. I am completely and utterly exhausted from these days of eye wiggling, life spinning, sad, and a sickening pain from the bottom of my feet to the top of my pained scalp. I am sleeping sixteen plus hours per day and have been introduced to a sleep pattern I am unfamiliar with, sleeping almost as if haphazardly, sleep a bit here, then sleeping some there, and sleeping in day and night. Sensing that I am aware of my environment, in a state of rest and sleep. This renders me helpless with the combat against sleep. I just do what the sleep say do. This is what my life say do with sleep, says follow the many seasons of life, do as doctors say do. Do as life say do.
I threw up last night. I was sleeping on my back when this took place and I choked on the contents of my stomach. I have been dangerously dizzy. My right eye wiggling has become an issue and I have left connections with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain to call. Twice over the past three days the eye wiggle has happened and both resulted with strikes of vertigo attacks. I have had this eye do this before, I had been affected before, but not with all out attacks. My right ear has had an odd and phenomenal volume control. I could be going along about whatever life and I were doing at the time and suddenly, my right ear loses perhaps 25% of what hearing I was using at the time. Scary as the times I lose total hearing, but now I wonder if my all my stuffs just beginning to fall apart. This same ear has had the 'clops' happening. No, Sam, not the pops or plops, these sound like and are 'clops'. I'm too young for this. I sit here tip-tapping and I perspire down my back and chest, around my skull and neck. I am so dizzy. I tip tap like that with two fingers at a time. Slowly.
I am compelled to have these connections here on my path today.
I have had two Meniere's attacks in as many days, yesterday and the day before. Today, my body and I are here to deal with the consequences.
My body and I want to sleep, my bones inclined to be in the reclined horizontal position, rather than have me be here at the computer. I am completely and utterly exhausted from these days of eye wiggling, life spinning, sad, and a sickening pain from the bottom of my feet to the top of my pained scalp. I am sleeping sixteen plus hours per day and have been introduced to a sleep pattern I am unfamiliar with, sleeping almost as if haphazardly, sleep a bit here, then sleeping some there, and sleeping in day and night. Sensing that I am aware of my environment, in a state of rest and sleep. This renders me helpless with the combat against sleep. I just do what the sleep say do. This is what my life say do with sleep, says follow the many seasons of life, do as doctors say do. Do as life say do.
I threw up last night. I was sleeping on my back when this took place and I choked on the contents of my stomach. I have been dangerously dizzy. My right eye wiggling has become an issue and I have left connections with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain to call. Twice over the past three days the eye wiggle has happened and both resulted with strikes of vertigo attacks. I have had this eye do this before, I had been affected before, but not with all out attacks. My right ear has had an odd and phenomenal volume control. I could be going along about whatever life and I were doing at the time and suddenly, my right ear loses perhaps 25% of what hearing I was using at the time. Scary as the times I lose total hearing, but now I wonder if my all my stuffs just beginning to fall apart. This same ear has had the 'clops' happening. No, Sam, not the pops or plops, these sound like and are 'clops'. I'm too young for this. I sit here tip-tapping and I perspire down my back and chest, around my skull and neck. I am so dizzy. I tip tap like that with two fingers at a time. Slowly.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part I
Kindred,
Good evening Kind One's, I am Mario, and I welcome you to this simple blog called 'Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path'. I have Meniere's Disease, my name is Mario, and this is my path, and I wish to share these words with you. There is an urgency with what I wish to share and speak of. One of the most concerning to me has been the amount of time it has taken me to put this communique into subject matter that makes sense, to be as clear as I might communicate with my limitations, the verbiage, true? I wish to be steadfastly clear so that what I share, are about things that place fear in my heart and things that have been creators of stress and anxiety in my life. These creators that come from within, the Meniere's, the Neurological pain - which has become an around the clock health issue for my wife and I, the symptom's and all the medications. I wish to express the anxiety that is imported from out there in the real world. All that and this within me, within this skin I live in, and within my inner most spirit's, It is I who lives in shame. Shame I am familiar with, the same shame as it always been.
Having to admit to myself, (perhaps finally) of being under the control of a disease called Meniere's, that includes the madness of it's symptoms - every day I breath. With the disease Meniere's, there are stress indicators that are from the inside looking out, and this is one of the damned worst case of Meniere's Disease scenario's I have ever seen or heard of. Not with my own non-deaf ear or the deaf left one - this is where I have my titanium implant, next to my ear and this is where I plug in my BAHA processor into the abutment.
The stresses and anxiety from the outside in, are coming from what I perceived and believed to be safe places and safe peoples with me and members of my team, working with and for me. These subjects will be talked about in another post that will have same title and called Part II.
We, as Humans all have stress factors and anxiety provoking issues that are on a day to day basis. I know this. Here in this one persons life, there is just too much anxiety created by this daily battle with Meniere's Disease, and definitely too many stress factors to be covered by me at this time. I am not a gimp, I am disabled by this disease and asthma, so much now with the cervical spine, a lesion on the spinal cord and on and on. I know this to be so, right now in my health and life there is much shit hitting the fan, I sometimes get to feeling goofy, confused, my heart palpitates, and I cry. I've cried about which way to go, what to do. My Great One, this maddening hypersomnia that aids me when putting me to sleep post Meniere's vertigo attack. In one hand this is beneficial - while in the other the sleep and slumber is killing me. Presently, there's so much shit hitting my health and life fan's, that I am truly able to confirm that all of this feeds "all" of my depression's.
These are deep and embarrassing times for me.
Look. I am alive. I understand that and I am doing the best I can. I am essentially confined and am alone here in my house. A return to medical exile? I don't think so. Our home that was purchased seven years ago, has out grown it's occupants; my bride and I, our three hounds, two turtles and all of our bird cousins who come to eat and drink out back. This is my home and I live in a constant state of Medical and Emotional Exile. For now, I work with what I have. Due to the Meniere's, and several other illnesses, I must admit that more and more the factor of pain and the symptoms of Meniere's place me in a place of not much productivity. There is another implant in the not too distant future. All of this compounds the other factors of anxiety, stress, and depression. The physical, emotional and psychological factors require much attention and require many different types and forms of medicine.
All of the above provide me the opportunity for perfectionism. My physician's are clear on their orders, all of which require that I be absolutely perfect with the times, types, and doses I take to eat. With my rich history of emotional issues, plus much more. The term perfectionism creates conflict within me. This expression perfectionism that's old shit here, I've already had to deal with the self-control issues pertaining to the Anorexia and Bulimia. Over and over and over again. The self harm pieces that I have practiced on my selves over the years and life is something that I have a history of.
You see, my Kindred, I have always been the one to play nice in the sand box called, life happens. That's my nature. There was once upon a time, I might have said shit happens, but in my ear hole now it sounds happier to say life happens. Besides, I never did live in shit, so I am disqualified on the shit happening piece. And that's okay by me, because I've had to deal with folks who talk shit for way too long in life. Stress and fear factors that come from out side of my aura.
OPS - Other Peoples Shit. (What!)
"Life Happens".
These are deep and embarrassing times for me.
Good evening Kind One's, I am Mario, and I welcome you to this simple blog called 'Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path'. I have Meniere's Disease, my name is Mario, and this is my path, and I wish to share these words with you. There is an urgency with what I wish to share and speak of. One of the most concerning to me has been the amount of time it has taken me to put this communique into subject matter that makes sense, to be as clear as I might communicate with my limitations, the verbiage, true? I wish to be steadfastly clear so that what I share, are about things that place fear in my heart and things that have been creators of stress and anxiety in my life. These creators that come from within, the Meniere's, the Neurological pain - which has become an around the clock health issue for my wife and I, the symptom's and all the medications. I wish to express the anxiety that is imported from out there in the real world. All that and this within me, within this skin I live in, and within my inner most spirit's, It is I who lives in shame. Shame I am familiar with, the same shame as it always been.
Having to admit to myself, (perhaps finally) of being under the control of a disease called Meniere's, that includes the madness of it's symptoms - every day I breath. With the disease Meniere's, there are stress indicators that are from the inside looking out, and this is one of the damned worst case of Meniere's Disease scenario's I have ever seen or heard of. Not with my own non-deaf ear or the deaf left one - this is where I have my titanium implant, next to my ear and this is where I plug in my BAHA processor into the abutment.
The stresses and anxiety from the outside in, are coming from what I perceived and believed to be safe places and safe peoples with me and members of my team, working with and for me. These subjects will be talked about in another post that will have same title and called Part II.
We, as Humans all have stress factors and anxiety provoking issues that are on a day to day basis. I know this. Here in this one persons life, there is just too much anxiety created by this daily battle with Meniere's Disease, and definitely too many stress factors to be covered by me at this time. I am not a gimp, I am disabled by this disease and asthma, so much now with the cervical spine, a lesion on the spinal cord and on and on. I know this to be so, right now in my health and life there is much shit hitting the fan, I sometimes get to feeling goofy, confused, my heart palpitates, and I cry. I've cried about which way to go, what to do. My Great One, this maddening hypersomnia that aids me when putting me to sleep post Meniere's vertigo attack. In one hand this is beneficial - while in the other the sleep and slumber is killing me. Presently, there's so much shit hitting my health and life fan's, that I am truly able to confirm that all of this feeds "all" of my depression's.
These are deep and embarrassing times for me.
Look. I am alive. I understand that and I am doing the best I can. I am essentially confined and am alone here in my house. A return to medical exile? I don't think so. Our home that was purchased seven years ago, has out grown it's occupants; my bride and I, our three hounds, two turtles and all of our bird cousins who come to eat and drink out back. This is my home and I live in a constant state of Medical and Emotional Exile. For now, I work with what I have. Due to the Meniere's, and several other illnesses, I must admit that more and more the factor of pain and the symptoms of Meniere's place me in a place of not much productivity. There is another implant in the not too distant future. All of this compounds the other factors of anxiety, stress, and depression. The physical, emotional and psychological factors require much attention and require many different types and forms of medicine.
All of the above provide me the opportunity for perfectionism. My physician's are clear on their orders, all of which require that I be absolutely perfect with the times, types, and doses I take to eat. With my rich history of emotional issues, plus much more. The term perfectionism creates conflict within me. This expression perfectionism that's old shit here, I've already had to deal with the self-control issues pertaining to the Anorexia and Bulimia. Over and over and over again. The self harm pieces that I have practiced on my selves over the years and life is something that I have a history of.
You see, my Kindred, I have always been the one to play nice in the sand box called, life happens. That's my nature. There was once upon a time, I might have said shit happens, but in my ear hole now it sounds happier to say life happens. Besides, I never did live in shit, so I am disqualified on the shit happening piece. And that's okay by me, because I've had to deal with folks who talk shit for way too long in life. Stress and fear factors that come from out side of my aura.
OPS - Other Peoples Shit. (What!)
"Life Happens".
These are deep and embarrassing times for me.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Rectal Spasams, Interference With My Mail, and Them Damned Politico's Playing With My Health
Dearest Kind Ones,
At this moment there are three things pressing me between a rock and my granite hard skull. One of these three being the past twelve hours of on and off again rectal spasms and pains. The medical diagnosis of this is Proctalgia Fugax, and the best I might describe this is that I am the beneficiary of a disorder of the rectum. Yes, and Desmond, this diagnosis was placed on my name back in the 1990's when I was still young and active and such and such. My dear folks, please, this really isn't a damned laughing matter. This shitty scenario is for damned real. I mean, who in the hell ever thinks about having a very painfully true spasm of the butt hole? No. Wait. Think about it just for an instant, almost as if you were the one interrupted in the night or in the clear blue, like at work - by a raging-pissed off bum hole.
Yes, these literal pains-in-my-ass wake me from REM in the dark of night and have brought me to tears. So I remove myself from my safe place so not to disturb my bride and go elsewhere in my lodge. To sit on it, my butt, and suffer with a pain that lasts for what seems like an eternity. There isn't a medication to prevent or ease these spams. There aren't explanation's or prognosis or reasoning's behind these mystery rectum/butt hole/anus, life altering symptoms which create such pain, such torture that it brings a grown ass man to cry and weep aloud. I mean to say these spasms are breath taking. I believe I have spoken about this here on, My Path, before. I am not sure though, if I've ever really "opened up", or "came out" about this subject, that is why I give descriptions the best I can without getting too deeply into it.
In the past twelve hours, I have had three spasms/episodes, of which, two of the three lasted approximately one hour in duration each. The other about one half hour. Please friend, having my rectum go into absolutely uncontrollable horrific spasms and pains, just bring up too many bad memories from the many years of rapes I survived as a child and adolescent. I am so sorry and I hated to go there, but what else could or would've? For real? I am able to breath easier now because I am fresh from the latest and I am bruised, still sweating, and beside myself from what this mystery does to me and my friend, my butt, every time we am visited by proctalgia fugax.
The second of three is how is it these pharmaceuticals, politicos, and government officials continue to interfere with my treatment and medications? This medication has been ordered by a professor, who is one of the best doctors a human could have the opportunity to call "my doctor'". How is it then a third party willingly denies health care of a citizen? Of a fellow human spirit? What? Oh Great One, this angers and frustrates me so.
(Fuck these beeps in my deaf ear! Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Fuck!)
The other is that it is possible someone has interfered with mail coming to me from my professor at Tampa General Hospital. A certified parcel addressed to me, from ten miles away has yet to arrive with today being day four. Fortunately there has been a trace placed on this and I truly pray for justice. I have been without one of my new medications since Monday. I miscalculated the quantity of medicine in my bottle, it's proper usage, and the arrival of a posted prescription. I follow each and every order any Doctor directs. In these modern times it is beyond me how this could happen really, and yes, I accept responsibility for the poorly timed telephone call, but it is an ill conceived notion that some one out there has stolen the contents. There has been arrangements made for me to receive a new order for medication and I thank the awesome staff and team mates there at the neurological pain rehab center for making this so. Thanks Sis for the pick up and drop off. You're so my awesome baby sis!
Kindred, I make efforts every day of my life to do the right thing. I work hard at becoming human with each and every breath I breathe. This is my business, my health and body - my mind and Spirit's, and I work relentlessly. In Spanish , it is said to be "con mucho gusto", it is simply, to be "with much gusto".
There is so much other stuff that's going on in my body and mind right now. So fucking much I think I'll bring this communique to an end for now. Please, really-really for me, know I am doing okay at being a human in the flesh, it is for my Spirit's, I request peaceful prayer and contemplation. Please.
(Shit! Fuck! Shit! Dammit! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Dammit! Ahhhhhhh!)
I have no more to say then.
At this moment there are three things pressing me between a rock and my granite hard skull. One of these three being the past twelve hours of on and off again rectal spasms and pains. The medical diagnosis of this is Proctalgia Fugax, and the best I might describe this is that I am the beneficiary of a disorder of the rectum. Yes, and Desmond, this diagnosis was placed on my name back in the 1990's when I was still young and active and such and such. My dear folks, please, this really isn't a damned laughing matter. This shitty scenario is for damned real. I mean, who in the hell ever thinks about having a very painfully true spasm of the butt hole? No. Wait. Think about it just for an instant, almost as if you were the one interrupted in the night or in the clear blue, like at work - by a raging-pissed off bum hole.
Yes, these literal pains-in-my-ass wake me from REM in the dark of night and have brought me to tears. So I remove myself from my safe place so not to disturb my bride and go elsewhere in my lodge. To sit on it, my butt, and suffer with a pain that lasts for what seems like an eternity. There isn't a medication to prevent or ease these spams. There aren't explanation's or prognosis or reasoning's behind these mystery rectum/butt hole/anus, life altering symptoms which create such pain, such torture that it brings a grown ass man to cry and weep aloud. I mean to say these spasms are breath taking. I believe I have spoken about this here on, My Path, before. I am not sure though, if I've ever really "opened up", or "came out" about this subject, that is why I give descriptions the best I can without getting too deeply into it.
In the past twelve hours, I have had three spasms/episodes, of which, two of the three lasted approximately one hour in duration each. The other about one half hour. Please friend, having my rectum go into absolutely uncontrollable horrific spasms and pains, just bring up too many bad memories from the many years of rapes I survived as a child and adolescent. I am so sorry and I hated to go there, but what else could or would've? For real? I am able to breath easier now because I am fresh from the latest and I am bruised, still sweating, and beside myself from what this mystery does to me and my friend, my butt, every time we am visited by proctalgia fugax.
The second of three is how is it these pharmaceuticals, politicos, and government officials continue to interfere with my treatment and medications? This medication has been ordered by a professor, who is one of the best doctors a human could have the opportunity to call "my doctor'". How is it then a third party willingly denies health care of a citizen? Of a fellow human spirit? What? Oh Great One, this angers and frustrates me so.
(Fuck these beeps in my deaf ear! Shit! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Fuck!)
The other is that it is possible someone has interfered with mail coming to me from my professor at Tampa General Hospital. A certified parcel addressed to me, from ten miles away has yet to arrive with today being day four. Fortunately there has been a trace placed on this and I truly pray for justice. I have been without one of my new medications since Monday. I miscalculated the quantity of medicine in my bottle, it's proper usage, and the arrival of a posted prescription. I follow each and every order any Doctor directs. In these modern times it is beyond me how this could happen really, and yes, I accept responsibility for the poorly timed telephone call, but it is an ill conceived notion that some one out there has stolen the contents. There has been arrangements made for me to receive a new order for medication and I thank the awesome staff and team mates there at the neurological pain rehab center for making this so. Thanks Sis for the pick up and drop off. You're so my awesome baby sis!
Kindred, I make efforts every day of my life to do the right thing. I work hard at becoming human with each and every breath I breathe. This is my business, my health and body - my mind and Spirit's, and I work relentlessly. In Spanish , it is said to be "con mucho gusto", it is simply, to be "with much gusto".
There is so much other stuff that's going on in my body and mind right now. So fucking much I think I'll bring this communique to an end for now. Please, really-really for me, know I am doing okay at being a human in the flesh, it is for my Spirit's, I request peaceful prayer and contemplation. Please.
(Shit! Fuck! Shit! Dammit! Shit! Fuck! Fuck! Shit! Shit! Fuck! Dammit! Ahhhhhhh!)
I have no more to say then.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
My Meniere's Disease, Symptom's Presently Speaking, What Are?
Dear Guest's,
You're welcome here. Please take your shoes off, smile, sit back and relax a spell. There's a few articles of interest I wish to speak of and who better to be with than my guests and friends here. Presently speaking, I wish to talk about me and my Meniere's Disease. To share, eh?
I have made many experiments with the Meniere's these past few months or so passed on. Several experiments that crossed social, personal, medical, and emotional aspects of my life at this moment. Experimenting with myself during these months of change that included not communicating as much as I usually did when reporting Meniere's vertigo attacks. These Meniere's vertigo attacks happen two to three times a month. For me, sometimes it is best I have a connection to assist with a grounding if the going gets too tough. So for me, keeping silent is something I am pleased to report was nonsense. I try not to let this be on the surface of my skin, or on my face, but this Meniere's is a freak of nature. I said it. And it's a disgusting disease that has changed my entire life forever. There has been so many life changes take affect that I just can't comprehend. Expressing what has happened in my life, with me and the so many operations and procedures is sometimes depressing...
...looking at my life realistically and to be able to embrace my life from an open and holistic point of view, is easy for me to see that my ventures with Vocational Rehab. and my right good counselor, has been an asset for me and my life with this disease Meniere's. I am to be awed by what we have done as a team and I can say thank you one million times and still would feel you are owed two raises and a promotion for the work you do there in your office.
My dearest one bride sees me daily and I contemplate how this Meniere's has affected her, she who has been my girl friend since we were children. I pray for my daughters, my Kin and Kindred, and lives of other's who know or knew me, affected by this disease that lives in my body named Meniere's. I did mention earlier, I think that this Meniere's is a freak of nature.
Wait. Does that mean I am a freak of nature now? What? Dude?
At this moment, I have a knot in my throat that is just below my Adams apple. I feel a stir in my stomach and am afraid I will throw up any second. Nausea for me is a non-negotiable, there is nothing I can say, do or eat medicine to swallow that eases this disgusting omni-present nature of nausea and vomiting which is happening daily. Well, for example, just last night, I had an episode of vomiting when it was that I passed vomit threw my mouth, nose, and sinus. A fucking productive nausea that carried with it the acids and juices of my stomach that burned my nose. I share with all Kindred, I could not have experiments with this symptom of my Meniere's. This is something that is a part of me now. No need in fighting me. Though I say, this nausea and vomiting is just plain damned disgusting.
Over the past few months, there have been and were many times when I have been able to be in the company of my dear family, in private and in public. I had opportunity's to connect and to have talks with my Kin. Blessings. Sadly, my Abuela Mary has crossed over and it is a fact that I have slept on average sixteen to eighteen hours per day. Not because my grandmother passed away, this is one of them damned unfortunate side effects of what I refer to as symptom's of this Meniere's. Shit yes. I tried, and I fucking tried hard to fight the sleep. The slumber, but I have failed miserably with each and every attempt. I mean, I have never gone off on a holiday week end to remain within the confines of a dark and cold Hotel room in Tallahassee, Florida. I can say, me now. Unfortunately, I share that I remain deep in the sleep, the slumber that has wrapped it's affects around my life, as if absorbed by a giant sponge that is sleep, I lay in my safe place and let be.
At this instant, I sit here in a moist t-shirt sweating as in sweating on and all around this thick skull of mine. My forehead is wet - I just brushed it off and sit here thinking, "My God"! Well shit then, my neck, chest and back are wet from the sweat, my perspiration, and misting's. Yes, I said misting's and I am okay with saying that too. Alright? Very well then.
During experiments, I reminded myself to keep within reach of safety. Physical and emotional. My boundaries are always in place, yet there are times when they're not respected by some who have not learned what boundaries are really all about. Like, when I'm not looking or I'm not listening because I can't hear here. I remind me to be assertive with and when my boundaries have been breached. It is sad for me to share where it is I find myself on relations with some Folk within my circle. Too many places and times when my own Kin Folk find it amusing to shoo me on, or to mock me and make funny the things that happen in my life. Day-to-Day, every damned day. I am not a child, I am not a fucking child, though I will do as I'm told.
At this minute my both ears are filled and full of noise and sound and I could have experimented until I was eight four, but Honey's, there is no letting up when it comes to the constant racket between these two ears of mine - the left deaf one and the hard of hearing right ear. Shit. At this second, the left deaf ear has me listening to a sound that sounds like this; Mbeep-beep-beep, tsk, tsk, tsk. Mmmmmmmmmbeeeeeeep-beep-beep-beeeeeeep, tsk, tsk, tsk. Over and over - stop - then again and over and over again.
What the shit is that?! I don't know and I have no idea. For shits sake!
There was no choice but to share with my Miss. Lady Dame, that the voices have returned. It has gotten so bad that I am listening to entire conversations going on immediately out of this room and down the hall to the left. En'it? My right ear just popped out loud. This is not uncommon. This is also the same ear that tends to want to sleep longer than I requiring several minutes to wake up to listen.
I am so dizzy at this moment that I am having to move slowly and with purpose. I try to keep my head up and keep on pecking at these keys. My eye balls do the wiggle every once in a while and the scene of whatever may be in front of me at any given time will suddenly tilt a few degrees. The every day of my life is surrounded by some state of dizziness. Sometimes so sunken and so deep, so horribly bad that I have no choices. Because there are no choices to be made. I just lay in my safe place, talk with God, listen to the silence of the spinning in my brains and force myself to sleep. To succumb to the call of slumber keeps me safe from myself and I have been in a state of dizzy since before the operations began not too long ago. You see, the Meniere's long ago decided that it would be these ears, this body, and my mind that it would move into. There are times when I get so stressed about the dizziness that I have placed myself in harms way. Stumbles, awkwardness's, balance issues, and I am a fall risk.
I know because I fall.
My left deaf ear continues to go, mbeeeeeeep-beep-beep. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mmbeep-beeeeeep-beep. Tsk-tsk-tsk. Over and over and over again.
You're welcome here. Please take your shoes off, smile, sit back and relax a spell. There's a few articles of interest I wish to speak of and who better to be with than my guests and friends here. Presently speaking, I wish to talk about me and my Meniere's Disease. To share, eh?
I have made many experiments with the Meniere's these past few months or so passed on. Several experiments that crossed social, personal, medical, and emotional aspects of my life at this moment. Experimenting with myself during these months of change that included not communicating as much as I usually did when reporting Meniere's vertigo attacks. These Meniere's vertigo attacks happen two to three times a month. For me, sometimes it is best I have a connection to assist with a grounding if the going gets too tough. So for me, keeping silent is something I am pleased to report was nonsense. I try not to let this be on the surface of my skin, or on my face, but this Meniere's is a freak of nature. I said it. And it's a disgusting disease that has changed my entire life forever. There has been so many life changes take affect that I just can't comprehend. Expressing what has happened in my life, with me and the so many operations and procedures is sometimes depressing...
...looking at my life realistically and to be able to embrace my life from an open and holistic point of view, is easy for me to see that my ventures with Vocational Rehab. and my right good counselor, has been an asset for me and my life with this disease Meniere's. I am to be awed by what we have done as a team and I can say thank you one million times and still would feel you are owed two raises and a promotion for the work you do there in your office.
My dearest one bride sees me daily and I contemplate how this Meniere's has affected her, she who has been my girl friend since we were children. I pray for my daughters, my Kin and Kindred, and lives of other's who know or knew me, affected by this disease that lives in my body named Meniere's. I did mention earlier, I think that this Meniere's is a freak of nature.
Wait. Does that mean I am a freak of nature now? What? Dude?
At this moment, I have a knot in my throat that is just below my Adams apple. I feel a stir in my stomach and am afraid I will throw up any second. Nausea for me is a non-negotiable, there is nothing I can say, do or eat medicine to swallow that eases this disgusting omni-present nature of nausea and vomiting which is happening daily. Well, for example, just last night, I had an episode of vomiting when it was that I passed vomit threw my mouth, nose, and sinus. A fucking productive nausea that carried with it the acids and juices of my stomach that burned my nose. I share with all Kindred, I could not have experiments with this symptom of my Meniere's. This is something that is a part of me now. No need in fighting me. Though I say, this nausea and vomiting is just plain damned disgusting.
Over the past few months, there have been and were many times when I have been able to be in the company of my dear family, in private and in public. I had opportunity's to connect and to have talks with my Kin. Blessings. Sadly, my Abuela Mary has crossed over and it is a fact that I have slept on average sixteen to eighteen hours per day. Not because my grandmother passed away, this is one of them damned unfortunate side effects of what I refer to as symptom's of this Meniere's. Shit yes. I tried, and I fucking tried hard to fight the sleep. The slumber, but I have failed miserably with each and every attempt. I mean, I have never gone off on a holiday week end to remain within the confines of a dark and cold Hotel room in Tallahassee, Florida. I can say, me now. Unfortunately, I share that I remain deep in the sleep, the slumber that has wrapped it's affects around my life, as if absorbed by a giant sponge that is sleep, I lay in my safe place and let be.
At this instant, I sit here in a moist t-shirt sweating as in sweating on and all around this thick skull of mine. My forehead is wet - I just brushed it off and sit here thinking, "My God"! Well shit then, my neck, chest and back are wet from the sweat, my perspiration, and misting's. Yes, I said misting's and I am okay with saying that too. Alright? Very well then.
During experiments, I reminded myself to keep within reach of safety. Physical and emotional. My boundaries are always in place, yet there are times when they're not respected by some who have not learned what boundaries are really all about. Like, when I'm not looking or I'm not listening because I can't hear here. I remind me to be assertive with and when my boundaries have been breached. It is sad for me to share where it is I find myself on relations with some Folk within my circle. Too many places and times when my own Kin Folk find it amusing to shoo me on, or to mock me and make funny the things that happen in my life. Day-to-Day, every damned day. I am not a child, I am not a fucking child, though I will do as I'm told.
At this minute my both ears are filled and full of noise and sound and I could have experimented until I was eight four, but Honey's, there is no letting up when it comes to the constant racket between these two ears of mine - the left deaf one and the hard of hearing right ear. Shit. At this second, the left deaf ear has me listening to a sound that sounds like this; Mbeep-beep-beep, tsk, tsk, tsk. Mmmmmmmmmbeeeeeeep-beep-beep-beeeeeeep, tsk, tsk, tsk. Over and over - stop - then again and over and over again.
What the shit is that?! I don't know and I have no idea. For shits sake!
There was no choice but to share with my Miss. Lady Dame, that the voices have returned. It has gotten so bad that I am listening to entire conversations going on immediately out of this room and down the hall to the left. En'it? My right ear just popped out loud. This is not uncommon. This is also the same ear that tends to want to sleep longer than I requiring several minutes to wake up to listen.
I am so dizzy at this moment that I am having to move slowly and with purpose. I try to keep my head up and keep on pecking at these keys. My eye balls do the wiggle every once in a while and the scene of whatever may be in front of me at any given time will suddenly tilt a few degrees. The every day of my life is surrounded by some state of dizziness. Sometimes so sunken and so deep, so horribly bad that I have no choices. Because there are no choices to be made. I just lay in my safe place, talk with God, listen to the silence of the spinning in my brains and force myself to sleep. To succumb to the call of slumber keeps me safe from myself and I have been in a state of dizzy since before the operations began not too long ago. You see, the Meniere's long ago decided that it would be these ears, this body, and my mind that it would move into. There are times when I get so stressed about the dizziness that I have placed myself in harms way. Stumbles, awkwardness's, balance issues, and I am a fall risk.
I know because I fall.
My left deaf ear continues to go, mbeeeeeeep-beep-beep. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mmbeep-beeeeeep-beep. Tsk-tsk-tsk. Over and over and over again.
Monday, August 12, 2013
America, My Prayers Tonight, Long Live The Queen!
Kindred Folk,
I compose this communique with haunting mourning and blessed memory. To which all are combined with semi-sweet memories that humbled spirit's. I speak with hushed respect and love, all for my family and relations, I have made and met along the way in this adventure called Life. This is written for all Kinfolks who came before me, from them who have passed and for them I have yet to meet. This is written also for all who have been a member of my Team. I am here today, because of this Dream Team Of Doctors and Health Care Professionals and Experts, who have established my trust. When I began to see wide vision and began to see in a different way of light, I began to work the piece like an opponent and prepare to engage. I pray for life and health. I pray plenty. I pray for all of our tribes in our U.S. of America and beyond. To all who are my "Team for Better Health Care, Mind, and Body", I Thank you. Daily.
I also make ceremony and say prayer daily, in morning, day, and night. I fast on occasion. A prayer that transcends language, these are for you, my brothers and sisters world wide. Yes, a Holy Prayer, for peace, blessed upon world wide peace. I cry for fellow Americans, all of us my dear friend.
America, these Americans are my friends, my neighbors right down the street. There's a Jewish College not far from here, seven or twelve churches with in a six/seven mile Crawl. A block or few is a community store that Folks from Lebanon own and operate. Oh, God, what comedy! I pray for both of us, the local's, Spanish, as in not a lick of English, and now, business, that takes being customer to a new level of wow, will I make this visit again or not? Huh?. I pray for the US I pray for our Military. I pray for my Mom and Dad, even though they are years dead now. This is my home land, right here in our sanctuary, a preserve for peace. I pray for our the citizens of Canada, Mexico and The United States, right here in America. Right here in our lodge, is peace..
Long Live The Queen! Long Live The Queen. Long Live The Queen!
Relations, we face an America where there is more social unrest than what is being communicated out on the air waves. Yet, still, we are too slow to address the political, social, domestic, and racial issues we have right here in our own secured boundaries. Secured? 2013? In our courts of law, where it is we ought to feel safe and free from prejudice, No, still, we are slower to address the political, social, domestic, and racial issues we have going on right here on COPS, the ABC News an occasional print from Britannia. all matters of the main land. This in our own secured boundaries. Secured? 2013? In our courts of law, where it is we ought to feel safe and free from prejudice. Throughout Earth Mother. It seems to me my, Home Country of America, is faster than Super Man when it comes to addressing issues of other country's - sending billions of dollars out, rather than addressing the citizenry of America. Wisely distributing that very money here for our people. U.S.A.'s mighty quick to judge countries by their leaders, while turning backs on their people's.(Modern day Genocide in Syria, where it is +100,000 Children, Women, and Men slaughtered) America, we're slow as molasses on this policy of Human Life.
You want to talk of Human Right's. Yes. I know.
America.
I compose this communique with haunting mourning and blessed memory. To which all are combined with semi-sweet memories that humbled spirit's. I speak with hushed respect and love, all for my family and relations, I have made and met along the way in this adventure called Life. This is written for all Kinfolks who came before me, from them who have passed and for them I have yet to meet. This is written also for all who have been a member of my Team. I am here today, because of this Dream Team Of Doctors and Health Care Professionals and Experts, who have established my trust. When I began to see wide vision and began to see in a different way of light, I began to work the piece like an opponent and prepare to engage. I pray for life and health. I pray plenty. I pray for all of our tribes in our U.S. of America and beyond. To all who are my "Team for Better Health Care, Mind, and Body", I Thank you. Daily.
I also make ceremony and say prayer daily, in morning, day, and night. I fast on occasion. A prayer that transcends language, these are for you, my brothers and sisters world wide. Yes, a Holy Prayer, for peace, blessed upon world wide peace. I cry for fellow Americans, all of us my dear friend.
America, these Americans are my friends, my neighbors right down the street. There's a Jewish College not far from here, seven or twelve churches with in a six/seven mile Crawl. A block or few is a community store that Folks from Lebanon own and operate. Oh, God, what comedy! I pray for both of us, the local's, Spanish, as in not a lick of English, and now, business, that takes being customer to a new level of wow, will I make this visit again or not? Huh?. I pray for the US I pray for our Military. I pray for my Mom and Dad, even though they are years dead now. This is my home land, right here in our sanctuary, a preserve for peace. I pray for our the citizens of Canada, Mexico and The United States, right here in America. Right here in our lodge, is peace..
Long Live The Queen! Long Live The Queen. Long Live The Queen!
Relations, we face an America where there is more social unrest than what is being communicated out on the air waves. Yet, still, we are too slow to address the political, social, domestic, and racial issues we have right here in our own secured boundaries. Secured? 2013? In our courts of law, where it is we ought to feel safe and free from prejudice, No, still, we are slower to address the political, social, domestic, and racial issues we have going on right here on COPS, the ABC News an occasional print from Britannia. all matters of the main land. This in our own secured boundaries. Secured? 2013? In our courts of law, where it is we ought to feel safe and free from prejudice. Throughout Earth Mother. It seems to me my, Home Country of America, is faster than Super Man when it comes to addressing issues of other country's - sending billions of dollars out, rather than addressing the citizenry of America. Wisely distributing that very money here for our people. U.S.A.'s mighty quick to judge countries by their leaders, while turning backs on their people's.(Modern day Genocide in Syria, where it is +100,000 Children, Women, and Men slaughtered) America, we're slow as molasses on this policy of Human Life.
You want to talk of Human Right's. Yes. I know.
America.
Friday, August 9, 2013
I Want To Drive
Hello Kin Folk and Kindred One's,
I was just outside, thinking and contemplating with the birds and butterflies. I don't hear them much like I used too, but still I'll catch a tune every once and again. I enjoyed looking and admiring our tall pink glittered flamingo in the North East yard, the one next to the pool. The hounds strolled about and taking care of business.
Now, I sit here with my hand formed aluminum cap on my head, resting a spell. I tell you, my cap works and is working right now to keep me safe from the evil folks. My Daisey dukes are held by a good quality yellow twine - keeping my britches up so they don't fall down. I have lost so much weight, so quickly that my waist line seems to be melting away, with very little effort. It is an odd thing, but I am okay with it. Huh? A loss of weight is a fantastic thing for me, anytime - any way.
I'm sitting here in my safe place remembering how much I so enjoyed driving a car, truck or van. I consider how much it was that I had emotional attachment's with certain cars and now, a renewed association with all of my pony's that come to mind, body, and Spirit's.
I have lost my independence to Meniere's Disease. It took my ability to drive away from me. Meniere's not only made I deaf on the left side, neither do I have balance on that same side, it has taken so much more and today I am slapped by reality, My Good God and I, knowing I have not driven any sort of transport since before 2010. Maybe a bit more before, but then I'm not trying to remember that day. But yes, there have been so many times when I become desperate with the urge, need and yearning to just jump into my pony/car and take a long drive. Just to drive.
Like I would and did with that gorgeous 1973, Powder Blue Volk's Wagon. Oh, the travels and memories that were had in that awesome means of transport. I remember bringing my Abuela Mary, from Tampa to Miami one summer years ago. Folks who are adults and off on their own, were children back when we would take epic trips out to the Everglades, or the Florida Keys, or take the tunnel in down town Fort Lauderdale, just to go in and out of the tunnel, blowing the horn and my daughters would scream in unison with play and enjoyment. I did too.
An other awesome dream putt-putt for me was this huge Gold Chevy Station Wagon we had while the girls were still in school. It must had been 1988 or 1989 or there or so. This golden daddy car came up more so for a safe transport to school for my daughters, yeah true, for Mommy and I too, but kind Folks, I mean to share that this was a car with a reputation in South Tampa. There South of Kennedy Blvd. I like to think that it was affectionately known and referred to as the "Sierra Family's Family Station Wagon", and what a sight it was. So huge, so very golden and handsome, and Honey's, this wagon was plastered with appropriate calls for equal rights, racial equality, a pink triangle and a long colorful rainbow. We also had beautifully bright Native American window clings attached for safety and protection. Them to establish boundaries. The last pony of mine was a P.T. Cruiser, we had extraordinary sweet times with trips to and from Cherokee in that pony. We used this car of mine with the new car smell for a trade in so that my wife could drive a Dodge. A stronger and safer vehicle for my bride to drive to and from work.
Relations, I can't even ride a three wheeled tricycle to the corner store right now. Every attempt I have made, thus far, has had me smashing into some body's mail box, their bushes, or cars. I have been blessed to not have been smashed my self by the traffic out there on the streets. Blessed, yes? I swear, if I could ride my purple sparkling trike - I would ride it up down South to Valdosta, GA. Stay a spell with my baby sister and her crew. Sit with her out back and talk to the cows and feed the geese. Then, off to Flowery Branch for a few and on up there to Cherokee. You're damned right, I want to drive and I would drive 55 MPH just because...
...I want to drive.
I was just outside, thinking and contemplating with the birds and butterflies. I don't hear them much like I used too, but still I'll catch a tune every once and again. I enjoyed looking and admiring our tall pink glittered flamingo in the North East yard, the one next to the pool. The hounds strolled about and taking care of business.
Now, I sit here with my hand formed aluminum cap on my head, resting a spell. I tell you, my cap works and is working right now to keep me safe from the evil folks. My Daisey dukes are held by a good quality yellow twine - keeping my britches up so they don't fall down. I have lost so much weight, so quickly that my waist line seems to be melting away, with very little effort. It is an odd thing, but I am okay with it. Huh? A loss of weight is a fantastic thing for me, anytime - any way.
I'm sitting here in my safe place remembering how much I so enjoyed driving a car, truck or van. I consider how much it was that I had emotional attachment's with certain cars and now, a renewed association with all of my pony's that come to mind, body, and Spirit's.
I have lost my independence to Meniere's Disease. It took my ability to drive away from me. Meniere's not only made I deaf on the left side, neither do I have balance on that same side, it has taken so much more and today I am slapped by reality, My Good God and I, knowing I have not driven any sort of transport since before 2010. Maybe a bit more before, but then I'm not trying to remember that day. But yes, there have been so many times when I become desperate with the urge, need and yearning to just jump into my pony/car and take a long drive. Just to drive.
Like I would and did with that gorgeous 1973, Powder Blue Volk's Wagon. Oh, the travels and memories that were had in that awesome means of transport. I remember bringing my Abuela Mary, from Tampa to Miami one summer years ago. Folks who are adults and off on their own, were children back when we would take epic trips out to the Everglades, or the Florida Keys, or take the tunnel in down town Fort Lauderdale, just to go in and out of the tunnel, blowing the horn and my daughters would scream in unison with play and enjoyment. I did too.
An other awesome dream putt-putt for me was this huge Gold Chevy Station Wagon we had while the girls were still in school. It must had been 1988 or 1989 or there or so. This golden daddy car came up more so for a safe transport to school for my daughters, yeah true, for Mommy and I too, but kind Folks, I mean to share that this was a car with a reputation in South Tampa. There South of Kennedy Blvd. I like to think that it was affectionately known and referred to as the "Sierra Family's Family Station Wagon", and what a sight it was. So huge, so very golden and handsome, and Honey's, this wagon was plastered with appropriate calls for equal rights, racial equality, a pink triangle and a long colorful rainbow. We also had beautifully bright Native American window clings attached for safety and protection. Them to establish boundaries. The last pony of mine was a P.T. Cruiser, we had extraordinary sweet times with trips to and from Cherokee in that pony. We used this car of mine with the new car smell for a trade in so that my wife could drive a Dodge. A stronger and safer vehicle for my bride to drive to and from work.
Relations, I can't even ride a three wheeled tricycle to the corner store right now. Every attempt I have made, thus far, has had me smashing into some body's mail box, their bushes, or cars. I have been blessed to not have been smashed my self by the traffic out there on the streets. Blessed, yes? I swear, if I could ride my purple sparkling trike - I would ride it up down South to Valdosta, GA. Stay a spell with my baby sister and her crew. Sit with her out back and talk to the cows and feed the geese. Then, off to Flowery Branch for a few and on up there to Cherokee. You're damned right, I want to drive and I would drive 55 MPH just because...
...I want to drive.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Lesion + ? = Lesion x 1 + ? = Lesion
Kindred,
One of the subjects I wanted to chat about briefly is, are about the lesion at the tip of my spinal cord. This living, live organism that has established residence in my body. And mind.
America. Look, I see this with these eyes, and use comparison to the scenario's and pardon me, experience's that my brothers David and Danny, and I had in the swamp. The adventures we would take, the epic walk about's way out in the Everglades. Very familiar we were with the directions of the Everglades. We respected and we unconditionally loved the blessings that baptized us there in South Florida, a simple dozen miles from home and our favorite swamp marsh lands and friends. We were welcomed, permitted and blessed to travel the back dirt roads, the reservations, and we did good and proper on land and the water, there in that river of grass.
Well, we there would often happen upon a litter of little squeaking creatures, baby alligators. We learned early on that when there is one baby alligator, their brothers and sisters were near by. Seen? When there's a litter of these little pups, swimming and squealing and carrying on - "Big Mama" is near by. Watching. Seen. Oh God, that's just the way it is. We never troubled them tiny, sweet dinosaurs or their Moms. Neither did one ever trouble us.
Kindred, In my Spirit's, I visualize this lesion being that Mama Alligator, and based on my experience from the swamp, wherever Mama is, baby's linger near by. I know this. For the time being, we are unable to take the examinations and tests She-With-Many-Names ordered. Without health insurance there is no MRI's of the brain. Or of the back's of my backs back. Last night we were informed that once again, we were denied the medicine that would benefit me in so many ways. That one that would rock my world. Well?
For the now being, this lesion + ? = Lesion x 1 + ? = Lesion. God Bless The Everglades!
One of the subjects I wanted to chat about briefly is, are about the lesion at the tip of my spinal cord. This living, live organism that has established residence in my body. And mind.
America. Look, I see this with these eyes, and use comparison to the scenario's and pardon me, experience's that my brothers David and Danny, and I had in the swamp. The adventures we would take, the epic walk about's way out in the Everglades. Very familiar we were with the directions of the Everglades. We respected and we unconditionally loved the blessings that baptized us there in South Florida, a simple dozen miles from home and our favorite swamp marsh lands and friends. We were welcomed, permitted and blessed to travel the back dirt roads, the reservations, and we did good and proper on land and the water, there in that river of grass.
Well, we there would often happen upon a litter of little squeaking creatures, baby alligators. We learned early on that when there is one baby alligator, their brothers and sisters were near by. Seen? When there's a litter of these little pups, swimming and squealing and carrying on - "Big Mama" is near by. Watching. Seen. Oh God, that's just the way it is. We never troubled them tiny, sweet dinosaurs or their Moms. Neither did one ever trouble us.
Kindred, In my Spirit's, I visualize this lesion being that Mama Alligator, and based on my experience from the swamp, wherever Mama is, baby's linger near by. I know this. For the time being, we are unable to take the examinations and tests She-With-Many-Names ordered. Without health insurance there is no MRI's of the brain. Or of the back's of my backs back. Last night we were informed that once again, we were denied the medicine that would benefit me in so many ways. That one that would rock my world. Well?
For the now being, this lesion + ? = Lesion x 1 + ? = Lesion. God Bless The Everglades!
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Difficulty Breathing And Shortness Of Breath
I have had difficulty breathing intermittently over the past six days or so. No, I have not filed a report to my pulmonary expert or my internist about these tense events. Not yet. There has been so much going on in and with my life. So many processes, tests, and medications that have not even been conducted due to lack of Insurance and insufficient income at this time. I pray for my bride daily and I beg God to please bless my dear with good health and please cover her with a huge safety net to protect my precious Little Woman. By the way, I assure you that just tonight I have initiated breathing treatments for every four hours. I have the nebulizer, the fresh tubing, and old albuterol. I am compelled to continued at least until I am able to be seen by the pulmonologist or my right good Internist. Heavenly Father, how many times has my life been saved by the wonderful staff of an emergency department here in town? Doing their job, Helping Folks to breath for a good life and wonderful again. Being saved at the point of seemingly at the last breath, is just absolutely damned min blowing! I have been saved, time and time again.
This illness of the lungs now begin the process and of the fact, I have just begun stepping into and walking in a different pair shoes. Now, while I am having to take even more medicine? Times a rough. Is this because of everything? It's so tough. Really.
No, I don't want to see me taking yet more medicine. More and yet another new complete patient kit of treatments and the pills, tablets, and capsules, oh my. The injections too, en'it?. On top of all other medicines, these fluids for breathing treatments are inhaled expired items. I need these breathing treatments here. Without them, I will be in hospital. The process of having a breathing treatment makes sense to me, so every four hours is exactly what is ordered for me in hospital. No dung. These my relations, are one therapeutic solution conducted here at home.
Last night, which was the seventh day of August, while eating our evening meal and chilling, just me and the wife, was when I began to be unable to breath properly and so unable to take in a deep full good breath. I was unable to breathe at ease, for roughly ten plus minutes, there was a bizarre battle to catch a breath. Those ten minutes, my friend, brought my very day to day life style to a complete halt. The whole I can't breath thing, with pains in my chest and lungs. Spitting up worms, and my head gets all loose and shit. For them few minutes, I did my damned best to not shed a tear, or let one know that I was in trouble of crossing over. But you see my friend, I have the desire and will to live. So natural.
When I am with the asthma in my lungs, this is when I am the closet to death. I've been here before and I have the same opinion with the symptoms of the pneumonia. Asthma, COPD, and all other sorts of pulmonary diseases and or issues. Some of these will take your last breaths from your sinus cavity. In my mind and Spirit's, loss of air is one of the most horrible processes of death. The terror to be suffocated by one's own lungs, heart, and chest. It's fucking amazing, these sequences of each and every falling domino, the effect is of succumbing to the pulmonary diseases. It's all just time. Engage self respect and esteem.
This is my life, and I tell you I have been near death by lose of air far to many times. Think. I am not going to put myself in the position to suffer in public. Whether patient, client, or customer. There's been too much creating a mighty stressful health and life event.
I realize that the time is not now. My God, teaches my mind when I am in unison with the directing of my mind, body, and health, covering me from head to toes. I do not have any more desires in going any further with certain interests in life, even question certain decisions with respect to our families. The need and desire to continue the fun and good fantastic times with our large and wonderfully big family's.
Note To Self: Remember To Breath, Dude.
This illness of the lungs now begin the process and of the fact, I have just begun stepping into and walking in a different pair shoes. Now, while I am having to take even more medicine? Times a rough. Is this because of everything? It's so tough. Really.
No, I don't want to see me taking yet more medicine. More and yet another new complete patient kit of treatments and the pills, tablets, and capsules, oh my. The injections too, en'it?. On top of all other medicines, these fluids for breathing treatments are inhaled expired items. I need these breathing treatments here. Without them, I will be in hospital. The process of having a breathing treatment makes sense to me, so every four hours is exactly what is ordered for me in hospital. No dung. These my relations, are one therapeutic solution conducted here at home.
Last night, which was the seventh day of August, while eating our evening meal and chilling, just me and the wife, was when I began to be unable to breath properly and so unable to take in a deep full good breath. I was unable to breathe at ease, for roughly ten plus minutes, there was a bizarre battle to catch a breath. Those ten minutes, my friend, brought my very day to day life style to a complete halt. The whole I can't breath thing, with pains in my chest and lungs. Spitting up worms, and my head gets all loose and shit. For them few minutes, I did my damned best to not shed a tear, or let one know that I was in trouble of crossing over. But you see my friend, I have the desire and will to live. So natural.
When I am with the asthma in my lungs, this is when I am the closet to death. I've been here before and I have the same opinion with the symptoms of the pneumonia. Asthma, COPD, and all other sorts of pulmonary diseases and or issues. Some of these will take your last breaths from your sinus cavity. In my mind and Spirit's, loss of air is one of the most horrible processes of death. The terror to be suffocated by one's own lungs, heart, and chest. It's fucking amazing, these sequences of each and every falling domino, the effect is of succumbing to the pulmonary diseases. It's all just time. Engage self respect and esteem.
This is my life, and I tell you I have been near death by lose of air far to many times. Think. I am not going to put myself in the position to suffer in public. Whether patient, client, or customer. There's been too much creating a mighty stressful health and life event.
I realize that the time is not now. My God, teaches my mind when I am in unison with the directing of my mind, body, and health, covering me from head to toes. I do not have any more desires in going any further with certain interests in life, even question certain decisions with respect to our families. The need and desire to continue the fun and good fantastic times with our large and wonderfully big family's.
Note To Self: Remember To Breath, Dude.
Three New Medications
Relations,
Real quick like, I wanted to share that I have had an additional three medications added to my eating routine. For the guests familiar, you are aware this is something that creates discomfort for me - just discussing medicine from the pharmacy creates anxiety and physical tic's. For shits sake, yes really. I have never liked taking medicine in my life, now with out them I would surly be doomed...
...to a mad world of sadness and dark depressions, a world of my own body closing up shop, and my limbs would begin to fall off and away. My own lungs would suffocate me, while my heart would beat to too many beats of my heart, I would sit here alone while I have lost and am losing my hearing. Here in the dark of gloom and too much sleep.
Hello! The new medications! There are three and all are ordered to battle the issues that are going on with my upper body and neurologically there are scenario's. I am troubled.
I have ear spasms and my facial spasms that continue to occur. I am able to describe how it is I feel the inside of my eye balls, the right one presently, that is so intense that I must literally massage the orb, which is the only relief. Hey! Imagine the necessity to massage your fecking eye ball. Folks, that's not natural! I have pains deep within and on both sides of my neck. So bad are the pains, I wish for a person with huge strong hands to massage me to the bones...
...I bet you I know what my collar bone feels like. Hell yeah! And it's pain is damned amazing as it encircles my throat and cervical spine. Kin Folk and my dear Kindred, these hours long pains are life altering and affect my every day. From my skull, scalp, and face, I am pained everyday. My neck, shoulders, arms, and upper, mid and lower back are in pain at this very moment. I am tired of not dealing with this torture. All of this, with my great hopes, will be treated by these three new therapeutic medications.
p.s. Oh yeah, the Botox injections too! Mustn't forget the benefits of the Botox, you know?
Real quick like, I wanted to share that I have had an additional three medications added to my eating routine. For the guests familiar, you are aware this is something that creates discomfort for me - just discussing medicine from the pharmacy creates anxiety and physical tic's. For shits sake, yes really. I have never liked taking medicine in my life, now with out them I would surly be doomed...
...to a mad world of sadness and dark depressions, a world of my own body closing up shop, and my limbs would begin to fall off and away. My own lungs would suffocate me, while my heart would beat to too many beats of my heart, I would sit here alone while I have lost and am losing my hearing. Here in the dark of gloom and too much sleep.
Hello! The new medications! There are three and all are ordered to battle the issues that are going on with my upper body and neurologically there are scenario's. I am troubled.
I have ear spasms and my facial spasms that continue to occur. I am able to describe how it is I feel the inside of my eye balls, the right one presently, that is so intense that I must literally massage the orb, which is the only relief. Hey! Imagine the necessity to massage your fecking eye ball. Folks, that's not natural! I have pains deep within and on both sides of my neck. So bad are the pains, I wish for a person with huge strong hands to massage me to the bones...
...I bet you I know what my collar bone feels like. Hell yeah! And it's pain is damned amazing as it encircles my throat and cervical spine. Kin Folk and my dear Kindred, these hours long pains are life altering and affect my every day. From my skull, scalp, and face, I am pained everyday. My neck, shoulders, arms, and upper, mid and lower back are in pain at this very moment. I am tired of not dealing with this torture. All of this, with my great hopes, will be treated by these three new therapeutic medications.
p.s. Oh yeah, the Botox injections too! Mustn't forget the benefits of the Botox, you know?
Zeppelin's, Meniere's, Sleep, And I
Relations,
There has been a pair of zeppelins circling above the sanctuary and preserve for the past two days in a roll. So loud and so vivid that I've refrained from confirming the fact that there is not damned blimps out and over my lodge. So truly maddening it is having to listen to this same hum, this damned constant loud hum of a fine operating flying machine. Yards above me.
There has also been the need to deal with the Maoris codes in my deaf left ear on an off and on episode. The constant communicating that lingers and works for hours and days at a time. There are times when the communique is sent with such urgency that it drives the loudness of the beep up, and drives my nerves up. I mean, what the? Then, and of course there are what seems to be a constant battle with the crickets, frogs, and cicadas. Sometimes, all I can do with this craziness, is to take the medication ordered by my physicians. There are times when I get so totally wrapped up by whatever sounds and noises that are active at the moment, these in an ear that is Deaf, my left, and an ear that requires a hearing aid, my right. My ears. Those very instances when a series of loud beeps strike, from no where, and with no apparent purpose. The times, time and time again when a voice comes through, loud and perfectly clear. Which, on occasion catches me off guard. And yes, I have let out a scream before. My dear Kindred, please do know there are just so too many times when the only alternative for me is to medicate and sleep.
Which is sleep compounding sleep. My team and I deal with the sleep that has become a major issue in my life. You see, sleeping is what happens when Meniere's attacks happen. Then, that's when I am in a sleep that sometimes last four to five days. There have also been times when this sleep has lasted much longer than the three or four. Whichever, and whatever the case may be, all I can do is pray and sleep. God, please let me sleep the symptoms of post attacks away. Over the time and course of time, sleep has been a constant. An issue that affects my every day of living. My physician's, nurses, therapists, family, and friends share their concern with me often. So I fight, and remind myself, I love life. Oh yes, please let me share, my right good doctor, She-With-Many-Names, has re-prescribed the one medication denied by the insurance company we had at the time of first attempt. This is a medication that would aid and greatly assist me with the battles against the sleep. I pray. Seen.
There have been many times when I have contemplated what this and life must have been like for the Elders of my blood back in the day. My Kin Folk who had to deal with this type of disease before there was even a name for this disgusting life altering Meniere's disease. No medications then, no therapies either, and no hearing aids for deaf folk like me. Oh, my dear Kin Folk.
There has been a pair of zeppelins circling above the sanctuary and preserve for the past two days in a roll. So loud and so vivid that I've refrained from confirming the fact that there is not damned blimps out and over my lodge. So truly maddening it is having to listen to this same hum, this damned constant loud hum of a fine operating flying machine. Yards above me.
There has also been the need to deal with the Maoris codes in my deaf left ear on an off and on episode. The constant communicating that lingers and works for hours and days at a time. There are times when the communique is sent with such urgency that it drives the loudness of the beep up, and drives my nerves up. I mean, what the? Then, and of course there are what seems to be a constant battle with the crickets, frogs, and cicadas. Sometimes, all I can do with this craziness, is to take the medication ordered by my physicians. There are times when I get so totally wrapped up by whatever sounds and noises that are active at the moment, these in an ear that is Deaf, my left, and an ear that requires a hearing aid, my right. My ears. Those very instances when a series of loud beeps strike, from no where, and with no apparent purpose. The times, time and time again when a voice comes through, loud and perfectly clear. Which, on occasion catches me off guard. And yes, I have let out a scream before. My dear Kindred, please do know there are just so too many times when the only alternative for me is to medicate and sleep.
Which is sleep compounding sleep. My team and I deal with the sleep that has become a major issue in my life. You see, sleeping is what happens when Meniere's attacks happen. Then, that's when I am in a sleep that sometimes last four to five days. There have also been times when this sleep has lasted much longer than the three or four. Whichever, and whatever the case may be, all I can do is pray and sleep. God, please let me sleep the symptoms of post attacks away. Over the time and course of time, sleep has been a constant. An issue that affects my every day of living. My physician's, nurses, therapists, family, and friends share their concern with me often. So I fight, and remind myself, I love life. Oh yes, please let me share, my right good doctor, She-With-Many-Names, has re-prescribed the one medication denied by the insurance company we had at the time of first attempt. This is a medication that would aid and greatly assist me with the battles against the sleep. I pray. Seen.
There have been many times when I have contemplated what this and life must have been like for the Elders of my blood back in the day. My Kin Folk who had to deal with this type of disease before there was even a name for this disgusting life altering Meniere's disease. No medications then, no therapies either, and no hearing aids for deaf folk like me. Oh, my dear Kin Folk.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Words Never To Say When Having This Talk
Good Guests,
I am compelled to exclaim from the point of view of a victim and survivor of sexual abuse, incest, and rape, that there are just certain words that ought "NEVER" be used during an anonymous conversation, an open exchange or talk, or an actual reporting of a sexual offence. Or offences of a sexual nature from one person upon one and or another.
God please! These are the very words that help victims of sexual abuse keep and maintain silence rather than speak out. Like invisible secret places, I withdrew, time and time again.
"I don't think that's a crime.", were words spoken to me by a crisis operator just a very short few weeks ago. Yes, while I was seeking counsel in the middle of the night, when I heard this crisis manger express those words, "I don't think that's a crime", I lost a tiny piece of my heart and then we had a very informative exchange. She knew then, but never ever, please?
Ma'am, Sir., please never say this ever; "Not that I/We think you're saying a lie".
Or, "It's your own fault."
Oh yes, there was once a time, while working in a Big Blue Box, called Best Buy, I reported to my manager that a man exposed and toyed with his pecker while I attempted to pee. Nothing was done by this manager named I-Won't-Say. No police. Not even a written report. I was a target. Seen.
Never ever say, "You asked for it."
Or, "I need evidence."
What? Not that I think you're saying a lie.
I am compelled to exclaim from the point of view of a victim and survivor of sexual abuse, incest, and rape, that there are just certain words that ought "NEVER" be used during an anonymous conversation, an open exchange or talk, or an actual reporting of a sexual offence. Or offences of a sexual nature from one person upon one and or another.
God please! These are the very words that help victims of sexual abuse keep and maintain silence rather than speak out. Like invisible secret places, I withdrew, time and time again.
"I don't think that's a crime.", were words spoken to me by a crisis operator just a very short few weeks ago. Yes, while I was seeking counsel in the middle of the night, when I heard this crisis manger express those words, "I don't think that's a crime", I lost a tiny piece of my heart and then we had a very informative exchange. She knew then, but never ever, please?
Ma'am, Sir., please never say this ever; "Not that I/We think you're saying a lie".
Or, "It's your own fault."
Oh yes, there was once a time, while working in a Big Blue Box, called Best Buy, I reported to my manager that a man exposed and toyed with his pecker while I attempted to pee. Nothing was done by this manager named I-Won't-Say. No police. Not even a written report. I was a target. Seen.
Never ever say, "You asked for it."
Or, "I need evidence."
What? Not that I think you're saying a lie.
Reconnections
Kind One's,
Yes, it has been a bit since I was here last. When I have these episodes with Meniere's, depression, asthma, and the sleep, I miss out on this, my special and secret place. I yearn for here, with all my heart and spirit's when unable to tip tap these keys. Today, I am prepared to open my mind with my guests. There has been so much going on with health, medicine's, and family. My heart is heavy and I battle the directions of depression. Here I reckon, these battles along with the things that happen when life happens, is where I feel my safest.
You see, I have been slapped and doused by the liquid bowel movements of life hitting the proverbial fan. From every direction. Seemingly anyways to this mixed breed boy right here. Looks like shit piles up high after a while.
Today, I am here to express what life has presented me, I, my Kin Folk and Kindred in this Circle of my Life lately, and these going's on of lately have been such that months of time have passed, a quarter of this year plus one month of life, came and gone. I accept the responsibility of what it is I might could have done differently, but I am unable to account for time lost due to disease induced sleep and withdrawal from my circle and society. Symptoms of which are so varied, seen by my eyes in wide screen format and presented in Techno-color too. Depending on the subject matter, there may be descriptions or an utterance of profanity or two. Or three. Damn it.
I have decided to break up subject matter into different posts rather than have one very long post.
I don't mind this and I hope you don't
So then, my guests, I shall begin the processes of the reconnection's. Reconnecting with Kin Folk and Kindred who have found themselves beginning to face symptoms of Meniere's Disease. Connecting with folks who have been with a part of me from childhood, you, and them who have crossed my paths as an adolescent, as young adults, or us in this present time being of our lives in life.
I am blessed. Seen.
Yes, it has been a bit since I was here last. When I have these episodes with Meniere's, depression, asthma, and the sleep, I miss out on this, my special and secret place. I yearn for here, with all my heart and spirit's when unable to tip tap these keys. Today, I am prepared to open my mind with my guests. There has been so much going on with health, medicine's, and family. My heart is heavy and I battle the directions of depression. Here I reckon, these battles along with the things that happen when life happens, is where I feel my safest.
You see, I have been slapped and doused by the liquid bowel movements of life hitting the proverbial fan. From every direction. Seemingly anyways to this mixed breed boy right here. Looks like shit piles up high after a while.
Today, I am here to express what life has presented me, I, my Kin Folk and Kindred in this Circle of my Life lately, and these going's on of lately have been such that months of time have passed, a quarter of this year plus one month of life, came and gone. I accept the responsibility of what it is I might could have done differently, but I am unable to account for time lost due to disease induced sleep and withdrawal from my circle and society. Symptoms of which are so varied, seen by my eyes in wide screen format and presented in Techno-color too. Depending on the subject matter, there may be descriptions or an utterance of profanity or two. Or three. Damn it.
I have decided to break up subject matter into different posts rather than have one very long post.
I don't mind this and I hope you don't
So then, my guests, I shall begin the processes of the reconnection's. Reconnecting with Kin Folk and Kindred who have found themselves beginning to face symptoms of Meniere's Disease. Connecting with folks who have been with a part of me from childhood, you, and them who have crossed my paths as an adolescent, as young adults, or us in this present time being of our lives in life.
I am blessed. Seen.
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