In all my wildest dreams, as a Coach for Myself, I have never met a more difficult individual. No. Nope. None...
Have sure met alot of folks along the way of the Path. Have been Blessed to have met so many Relations who were true to their word and the relationship called friendship...some of these same-minded are still here with me after whatever amount of time it has been since Great Spirit, had our Paths cross. And, oh, do I love my kindred...as if our very DNA was same-same and our hearts beat to a particular rhythm, a so very true connection...
...Over the years, my Path has crossed thousands and perhaps tens of thousands. There has always been something about my persona that has always been open to meeting folks and establishing friendships. I mean, as in since childhood and I sill keep in touch with them, my Relations.
In all my wildest dreams, I have and did meet the wildest, sexiest, craziest, and such very beautiful of folks. From all walks of our society, from America to Zimbabwe....from one end of the rainbow to the other. Mostly, now-a-days, these once dear friends are locked up in my brain folds somewhere up there.
Too many victims, so many Survivor's and Warrior's, who continue to fight and battle shit that takes and has taken so many of our lives. In all our wildest dreams...We endeavor to live.
My eye orbs have met the eye's of murderers and have met the eye's of the perpitrators of dreadful things and horrible wrong. I have never figured out the purpose in most of these Path crossing's, but am aware God, has a message in every one. Must ad that to this day I still struggle with the forgiveness piece...forgive?
In all my wildest dreams, did I ever think I would be a 51 year old mixed breed, at War with depression because of some unheard of bullshit disease meniere's? Lost and losing hearing and loss of balance and coordination. Because of the bitterness and sadness created by my Coffee Company turning me loose during a medical leave. To be in a place where folk's have turned their backs on me...I mean really...sometimes "shit happens", but damn, really? Sometimes, life seems to be a compound fracture to me.
Then, you see, there are day's that come about, like today, when I am able to say I am a Warrior! And am able to walk tall...and am able to scream silently to my God, THANK YOU GOD, for every Human and Spirit I have ever crossed Path's with. And THANK YOU GOD, for Blessing me with such a hard head. I can be rather difficult from time to time, ya know?
Walking the Path...today with six legs.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Trips, Stumbles And The Bumpy Path
Today and at this very moment, I feel the best I have felt since the beginning of the new year! I mean, shit! Where have all the good day's gone? Sounds like a song. No, I am not going the review route and am planning on keeping light in Spirit and easy on words...
The symptoms of disease meniere's are at a medium speed ahead. Listening to my deaf left ear making loud screaching sounds and my Right-Good-Bad-Ear has an orchestra of crickets, locust and cicadas...performing simmultaneously! And loudly! It's not too often this happens, though today, I am okay with it. Hearing in right ear still goes off then on and I have had an unusually difficult time with balance and coordination this week. No falls, but have scrapes on my left shin from a stumble from my cane on Wednesday...today I took a trip into the garage. Walls and furniture get in my way daily. Really. I fight like a hard-headed jackass to keep from falling too! I am The Human-Bumper-Car-Dude...
The blue clear sky has not a hint of a cloud. There is a cool breeze that keeps the shaded areas of this land chilly...our lodge is cool with no need for fans. I am just able to hear our wind chimes in the East yard...creates something like an ambiance to a state-of-mind that can't help but be thankful, Blessed and Graced by the awe of Our One God. Of my life...my Path. Seems to me I better get the Bull by the balls and take this somewhere I have not been before. I 'wish' this was my life every day! I don't use that term in this really. Not since a kid I suspect...I wish? A grown ass man wishing...such a goof.
Look, my shoes fit differently today and I would love to go step into my garden...so please, know that I am in good Spirits today and am surrounded by the Spirit's of other's and those who have passed before me.
Today, truly would be a great day to die!
Much love and peace.
My heart, hopes and prayers go out to them in Northern Africa...also to the Relations of the two police officer's killed in St. Petersburg.
God Bless.
The symptoms of disease meniere's are at a medium speed ahead. Listening to my deaf left ear making loud screaching sounds and my Right-Good-Bad-Ear has an orchestra of crickets, locust and cicadas...performing simmultaneously! And loudly! It's not too often this happens, though today, I am okay with it. Hearing in right ear still goes off then on and I have had an unusually difficult time with balance and coordination this week. No falls, but have scrapes on my left shin from a stumble from my cane on Wednesday...today I took a trip into the garage. Walls and furniture get in my way daily. Really. I fight like a hard-headed jackass to keep from falling too! I am The Human-Bumper-Car-Dude...
The blue clear sky has not a hint of a cloud. There is a cool breeze that keeps the shaded areas of this land chilly...our lodge is cool with no need for fans. I am just able to hear our wind chimes in the East yard...creates something like an ambiance to a state-of-mind that can't help but be thankful, Blessed and Graced by the awe of Our One God. Of my life...my Path. Seems to me I better get the Bull by the balls and take this somewhere I have not been before. I 'wish' this was my life every day! I don't use that term in this really. Not since a kid I suspect...I wish? A grown ass man wishing...such a goof.
Look, my shoes fit differently today and I would love to go step into my garden...so please, know that I am in good Spirits today and am surrounded by the Spirit's of other's and those who have passed before me.
Today, truly would be a great day to die!
Much love and peace.
My heart, hopes and prayers go out to them in Northern Africa...also to the Relations of the two police officer's killed in St. Petersburg.
God Bless.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Vertigo Attack Reporting...
On the evening of Monday, 17 January 2011, I had a vertigo attack. Today is, Saturday, 22 January...with-in the span of these few days I have slept roughly eighty hours. Am up today for as long as I can force myself to remain awake...thus far, other than a nap, am well and awake.
This was a surprise vertigo attack as I had not picked up on any symptoms until I was absorbed by the goings-on of a full fledged - full blown attack. All I could do is lay down and take the ass whooping. Didn't last too long, maybe ten to fifteen minutes. Time seems to get warped in vertigo attacks. No doubt.
These post vertigo attack symptoms have been exceptionaly difficult.
1. Extreme nausea with some productivity...the left side of my throat is sore.
2. Dizziness every bleeding day. At all times of the day. Along with a pecular head ache in the left forehead.
3. As mentioned earlier, I have slept a huge porition of life away. There is nothing to do about all this now. I still would rather sleep than endure the maddness of Meniere's.
4. I have had like a blurping noise in my right ear...like, full, fuller, fullest then blurp. Time and time again. This type of noise is due to a function and or malfunction of/in my right ear. If it does not blurp as it has latly, my right-good-bad-ear, fills with air, it seems and releases, as in an ear fart of sorts.
5. The NOISE'S! Have been a living inhumane torture! Morning, noon and night - noises in both ears! A new noise has found it's way onto my sound track...that being the sound of a street hammer. Not quite the sound of a machine gun, even though machine gun like...this just sounds more like a street hammer. No, there is no construction going on near by. My deaf left ear continues to pick up Top Secret beeps and beeping from NASA. Sometimes in the night, I listen to the noises that are going on between my ears and I consider this is a punishment from God, as I ask and pray for His Forgiveness.
6. Have had bad cases of sweating and perspiration daily - all week.
7. My body, mind and Spirit's are exhausted. My entire being is tired...worn and feel sore and bruised.
8. Voices continue to trouble me and distract from my attempts at getting some form of hold on this disease. Is this from the Meniere's or are these voices matter in my brains and mush above and between my ears? I don't know yet. It still scares the shit out of me when I hear one speak behind me and look to see nobody. I include this symptom because this is something that has occurred a few times this week.
Comment: The nausea and vomiting reminds me of the Bulimia I had as a younger man. When I saw the latest Laboratory Tests, I noticed issues with the Vitamin D. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, is he who placed me on increased supplement. If not for his direction, my nails would have continued to be affected and my teeth have been at risk for so long. Thank you for noticing Doc!
Another comment: Sticking my fingers everyday has taken the place of my desire for blood letting for now. It is incredible how much blood drips from the slight wound a needle being jammed into one's finger tip makes.
Am afraid that because I insist on pushing "the" envelope - there is or are folk's who wish to question me and my reasoning. Well, for one, maybe the past two to three years haunt my every fucken day. I can't drive my own bleeding car. Can't ride my trike yet, still...so I have done simple exercises Ms. P.T. taught me. I have done maybe one half dozen loads of laundry - as in place into washing machine over the past year! Have prepared a stew or soup for my family maybe same amount of times in the past one year. It does not make a matter that I have had talks with family and other relations...about the do's and do not's. With the restrictions placed on this human's body and Spirit...the supervision that is required, and those, 'no, you can not's', have me on a quick pace to death. STOP! Don't read more into those words. I was just saying...
One thing that still twists my head about is how many folks have just gone away...no return calls, no return postage...
...looks as if I am going to have to learn to say farewell to them with no eyes and no ears...I think with no heart too.
I am ready for rest...in dream world I'll resume my travel until I awake in the morning. Then, I'll see what my Path has in store for me when the Sun rises.
This was a surprise vertigo attack as I had not picked up on any symptoms until I was absorbed by the goings-on of a full fledged - full blown attack. All I could do is lay down and take the ass whooping. Didn't last too long, maybe ten to fifteen minutes. Time seems to get warped in vertigo attacks. No doubt.
These post vertigo attack symptoms have been exceptionaly difficult.
1. Extreme nausea with some productivity...the left side of my throat is sore.
2. Dizziness every bleeding day. At all times of the day. Along with a pecular head ache in the left forehead.
3. As mentioned earlier, I have slept a huge porition of life away. There is nothing to do about all this now. I still would rather sleep than endure the maddness of Meniere's.
4. I have had like a blurping noise in my right ear...like, full, fuller, fullest then blurp. Time and time again. This type of noise is due to a function and or malfunction of/in my right ear. If it does not blurp as it has latly, my right-good-bad-ear, fills with air, it seems and releases, as in an ear fart of sorts.
5. The NOISE'S! Have been a living inhumane torture! Morning, noon and night - noises in both ears! A new noise has found it's way onto my sound track...that being the sound of a street hammer. Not quite the sound of a machine gun, even though machine gun like...this just sounds more like a street hammer. No, there is no construction going on near by. My deaf left ear continues to pick up Top Secret beeps and beeping from NASA. Sometimes in the night, I listen to the noises that are going on between my ears and I consider this is a punishment from God, as I ask and pray for His Forgiveness.
6. Have had bad cases of sweating and perspiration daily - all week.
7. My body, mind and Spirit's are exhausted. My entire being is tired...worn and feel sore and bruised.
8. Voices continue to trouble me and distract from my attempts at getting some form of hold on this disease. Is this from the Meniere's or are these voices matter in my brains and mush above and between my ears? I don't know yet. It still scares the shit out of me when I hear one speak behind me and look to see nobody. I include this symptom because this is something that has occurred a few times this week.
Comment: The nausea and vomiting reminds me of the Bulimia I had as a younger man. When I saw the latest Laboratory Tests, I noticed issues with the Vitamin D. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, is he who placed me on increased supplement. If not for his direction, my nails would have continued to be affected and my teeth have been at risk for so long. Thank you for noticing Doc!
Another comment: Sticking my fingers everyday has taken the place of my desire for blood letting for now. It is incredible how much blood drips from the slight wound a needle being jammed into one's finger tip makes.
Am afraid that because I insist on pushing "the" envelope - there is or are folk's who wish to question me and my reasoning. Well, for one, maybe the past two to three years haunt my every fucken day. I can't drive my own bleeding car. Can't ride my trike yet, still...so I have done simple exercises Ms. P.T. taught me. I have done maybe one half dozen loads of laundry - as in place into washing machine over the past year! Have prepared a stew or soup for my family maybe same amount of times in the past one year. It does not make a matter that I have had talks with family and other relations...about the do's and do not's. With the restrictions placed on this human's body and Spirit...the supervision that is required, and those, 'no, you can not's', have me on a quick pace to death. STOP! Don't read more into those words. I was just saying...
One thing that still twists my head about is how many folks have just gone away...no return calls, no return postage...
...looks as if I am going to have to learn to say farewell to them with no eyes and no ears...I think with no heart too.
I am ready for rest...in dream world I'll resume my travel until I awake in the morning. Then, I'll see what my Path has in store for me when the Sun rises.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
15 January 2011
Thus far today, the sounds have been rather quiet. My deaf left ear is silently glad and my right-good-bad-ear, with a lower range of hearing than usual, has a low humming sound that began minutes ago...
...dizziness and nausea are low at this time and do not require medications. What a wonderful relief. As a gift!
Unfortunately, am home alone and am feeling the thought's move in... The lodge is as silent as my ear's and I feel vulnerable today. No, I don't know why I feel this vulnerable. Sometimes when I keep my mind and hands busy I am able to disengage whatever processes are lurking about the innards of mine brain...today, it's not working so good. That's why I decided to jump on this real quick like. So, I try to keep these fingers and keys tapping away...
There is something in my mind and Spirit's that I permit to continue to hurt and trouble me. Yes-yes, I probably have made comments before but, in my mind it does not make sense for a friend or friends to up and stop being friends. I've been in the company of relations who have "divorced" their relations, but damn, maybe there were reasons, I don't know. I tend to respect other folks way of thinking - way of being. It's tough for me to deal with an ending of relations/friendship when I don't know what the matter seems to be...
...it's so not cool. I suspect there are things that happen in life. I wonder if this has something to do with my being deaf and gimpy. I contemplate the worst on their behalf, are my buds sick, are my relations dieing? I don't know. But, maybe it is time for me to let them go. Yes, I know...
...there's just something about good-by's.
Sir Dude! Pardon me for not calling you. I have slept much of this week away and I let the sleep interfere with our communications. I shall call on this Monday. Thank you for our gathering on Thursday past. I do want to share something with you though, it seems as if I left there in a place different than when I arrived to your office. Um, not bad, but not good neither. I left feeling as if a task was left incomplete. Yes, I know this happens in therapy, Sir Dude. Just not with us please.
Had a fantastic converstion with Him-Who-Lives-Far-Away on the yesterday. I am thankful to Great Spirit, for providing me with such a Kindred Warrior. I feel certain that my well being is attended to daily by him and it is a warm and good feeling in my heart to know this...
...as it is a warm and good feeling to know there are so many Kindred and Relations, who have worked with me for so long in this war against Meniere's Disease. Thank you to Him-Who-Lives-Far-Away! Thank you to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain and your loving staff! Thank you Sir Dude! Thank you to Dr. Psych and the lady's! Thank you to He-Who-Knows-The-Laws and your caring staff...
...most importantly, THANK YOU! to every member of my Relations for what you do and for all you have done. Please understand, on the outside I may not be the same me, but inside this shell, my Spirit's are very much alive and want to live! I want to LIVE OUT LOUD! Please, please, don't throw the towel in on me...I've got another good twenty-five birthdays left and I don't want to stop moving forward. Make it thirty? Who knows?
I do know that I see my Path ahead of me, thus shall walk this Path. One day, one step at a time...
...peace...
...dizziness and nausea are low at this time and do not require medications. What a wonderful relief. As a gift!
Unfortunately, am home alone and am feeling the thought's move in... The lodge is as silent as my ear's and I feel vulnerable today. No, I don't know why I feel this vulnerable. Sometimes when I keep my mind and hands busy I am able to disengage whatever processes are lurking about the innards of mine brain...today, it's not working so good. That's why I decided to jump on this real quick like. So, I try to keep these fingers and keys tapping away...
There is something in my mind and Spirit's that I permit to continue to hurt and trouble me. Yes-yes, I probably have made comments before but, in my mind it does not make sense for a friend or friends to up and stop being friends. I've been in the company of relations who have "divorced" their relations, but damn, maybe there were reasons, I don't know. I tend to respect other folks way of thinking - way of being. It's tough for me to deal with an ending of relations/friendship when I don't know what the matter seems to be...
...it's so not cool. I suspect there are things that happen in life. I wonder if this has something to do with my being deaf and gimpy. I contemplate the worst on their behalf, are my buds sick, are my relations dieing? I don't know. But, maybe it is time for me to let them go. Yes, I know...
...there's just something about good-by's.
Sir Dude! Pardon me for not calling you. I have slept much of this week away and I let the sleep interfere with our communications. I shall call on this Monday. Thank you for our gathering on Thursday past. I do want to share something with you though, it seems as if I left there in a place different than when I arrived to your office. Um, not bad, but not good neither. I left feeling as if a task was left incomplete. Yes, I know this happens in therapy, Sir Dude. Just not with us please.
Had a fantastic converstion with Him-Who-Lives-Far-Away on the yesterday. I am thankful to Great Spirit, for providing me with such a Kindred Warrior. I feel certain that my well being is attended to daily by him and it is a warm and good feeling in my heart to know this...
...as it is a warm and good feeling to know there are so many Kindred and Relations, who have worked with me for so long in this war against Meniere's Disease. Thank you to Him-Who-Lives-Far-Away! Thank you to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain and your loving staff! Thank you Sir Dude! Thank you to Dr. Psych and the lady's! Thank you to He-Who-Knows-The-Laws and your caring staff...
...most importantly, THANK YOU! to every member of my Relations for what you do and for all you have done. Please understand, on the outside I may not be the same me, but inside this shell, my Spirit's are very much alive and want to live! I want to LIVE OUT LOUD! Please, please, don't throw the towel in on me...I've got another good twenty-five birthdays left and I don't want to stop moving forward. Make it thirty? Who knows?
I do know that I see my Path ahead of me, thus shall walk this Path. One day, one step at a time...
...peace...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Loneliness...
I might've called this entry, The Unfortunate Business of the Home Bound, but damn, I'm getting through the lowest I have ever been in life, and only My God, knows I've had my good share of high's and low's...oh, me, me, oh my, have I been there.
I've let this gloom put me in a place where not only am I in a deep dark place, I have permitted this gloom to enfold the Meniere's Disease,(today, there has been a loud roar in my right-good-bad-ear and The Swamp as well. My left ear silent. Nausea and dizziness a 7, I slept) and the recently diagnosed diabetic. Along with some deep heart felt subject matter that was dealt with in December, and it's residual affects/effects - I know in my Spirit's, a huge barrier has been placed between Relations and I.
I am able to accept whatever issues I may be dealing with and am in a position to say I'm working on what I have to do. Doing my best.
...but, I be damned, this shit is lonely! Yes, I know I sleep alot. Sometimes the sleep is better than listening to the sounds between my ear's, or the dizziness and nausea....sometimes, sleep is better than listening to the silence...but damn, can't someone hook the ole goat up with a call or a tele-gram or a fax or something...hell, even if it's just a "holla"! I do thank all relations who do maintain contact. I love it!
New good news Kindred! Doctor Psych has, I hope, found the right medication! No ill side effects and I suspect somethings going on inside...
...between my ears and with-in my Spirit's, something's stirred.
I've let this gloom put me in a place where not only am I in a deep dark place, I have permitted this gloom to enfold the Meniere's Disease,(today, there has been a loud roar in my right-good-bad-ear and The Swamp as well. My left ear silent. Nausea and dizziness a 7, I slept) and the recently diagnosed diabetic. Along with some deep heart felt subject matter that was dealt with in December, and it's residual affects/effects - I know in my Spirit's, a huge barrier has been placed between Relations and I.
I am able to accept whatever issues I may be dealing with and am in a position to say I'm working on what I have to do. Doing my best.
...but, I be damned, this shit is lonely! Yes, I know I sleep alot. Sometimes the sleep is better than listening to the sounds between my ear's, or the dizziness and nausea....sometimes, sleep is better than listening to the silence...but damn, can't someone hook the ole goat up with a call or a tele-gram or a fax or something...hell, even if it's just a "holla"! I do thank all relations who do maintain contact. I love it!
New good news Kindred! Doctor Psych has, I hope, found the right medication! No ill side effects and I suspect somethings going on inside...
...between my ears and with-in my Spirit's, something's stirred.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Meniere's Disease, Symptoms Of...Part ?
As I sit here in the cool comfort of my home on a rainy Winter's evening, I am perspiring something awful. Really didn't mind the darkness of the storm, or the claps of thunder as rain and lightening passed over-head. I was home alone and was able to cry a few good tears.
This perspiration in my meniere's disease is something that is provoked by the nausea and or dizziness, at which time both are high and vulgar. All I am able to do is medicate or do nothing. I gagged so bad earlier to day that a pecular sore throat has developed...like only the left side is sore. Did not vomit though. Every time I gag or throw up - I get flashbacks from my bulimia days.
Someone said "shhhhhhhhhh", "shhhhhhhh", over and over again today. In my left deaf ear and lasting several minutes. This was as an especially bad and difficult few minutes for me..."shhhhhhh-ing" is a flashback trigger somewhere in the folds of my brain.
I want to throw up so freaking bad!
Yesterday, my hearing was off by major percentage. Several times losing hearing in my right ear. Today, it's crisp, I could hear the Hawk screaching directions to Her soon to be one year old chick. Have had moments of total silence today too.
I observe the pulse pump through my wrist and admire the beat of the juice that keeps me walking this Path. Amazed.
The coordination of my walk is off center. Clumsy and awkward...
...I keep on walking. One knee at a time.
This perspiration in my meniere's disease is something that is provoked by the nausea and or dizziness, at which time both are high and vulgar. All I am able to do is medicate or do nothing. I gagged so bad earlier to day that a pecular sore throat has developed...like only the left side is sore. Did not vomit though. Every time I gag or throw up - I get flashbacks from my bulimia days.
Someone said "shhhhhhhhhh", "shhhhhhhh", over and over again today. In my left deaf ear and lasting several minutes. This was as an especially bad and difficult few minutes for me..."shhhhhhh-ing" is a flashback trigger somewhere in the folds of my brain.
I want to throw up so freaking bad!
Yesterday, my hearing was off by major percentage. Several times losing hearing in my right ear. Today, it's crisp, I could hear the Hawk screaching directions to Her soon to be one year old chick. Have had moments of total silence today too.
I observe the pulse pump through my wrist and admire the beat of the juice that keeps me walking this Path. Amazed.
The coordination of my walk is off center. Clumsy and awkward...
...I keep on walking. One knee at a time.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Today Was A Good Day To Die...
As today was in fact a good day to die, I follow this with today was also a good day to be alive...
My youngest daughter, Sam, transported me to a follow up visit with my primary this morning. We arrived for a 10:15 appt., early so that we might depart from the practice well past noon...as in 1:30'ish. Took a book too..."The Man Who Killed The Deer, A Novel Of Pueblo Indian Life", written by Frank Waters. The business of the trip was complex and I am uncertain what took place other than a "read the laboratory tests and to-take-a-listen"...I was out of the exam room in less than ten minutes...& that may be a stretch. I do see that I have been officially diagnosised with DIABETES 250.00. Okay, so now I really know things must change (Yes, I'm freaked out!). Brenda and I are blessed to have found an excellent source for the glycemic index and have committed ourselves to the change in our Live's Path - not so much change as more to adapt and move on. I left with no medication's, so for now I am plenty happy. I do have to stick myself three times daily, but this has almost become a contest for me and this diagnosis! The plan is to whip it! Last visit on 29 December 2010, the glucose level was 247, today 7 January 11, it was 188. Maybe that's why no medication? Shit, I hope!
On the way home we stopped by the Westshore Plaza for a latte from one of my old Coffee Houses! Oh Lord, it felt so good to just be there in the lobby! An Ole Friend/Co-Owner is taking care of the business and it looks fantastic! My heart was warmed by his welcome and the constant smiles on all of the co-owners face's...the heart was also touched by the icy cold fingers of a reality that reminds me that I am damaged goods...
...it had been a mighty long time since I last visited a mall. Too long. I did trip a couple of times but did not fall and the breif walk to The Coffee House and JC Penny cost me a Cat Life dahlink...by the time we were out of there I looked as if I had ran a 5K. Drops falling off my curls...did I lose a pound or two?
One of The Voices, spoke to me today. Called my name and called my name again. I was home alone and my dear neighbours don't know me that damn well...SO, I am aware One-Who-Has-Passed, is here for a visit. I've told them I hear dead people...some folks just don't listen. No-Ears.
Besides the sweatathon at the Plaza, meniere's has been following me all day with the super-nausea and a dizziness that required medication. My right ear is loud and full of giant locust! Earlier today I was able to hear my pulse rate for an unknown amount of time, the blood pumping so loudly! My left deaf ear is silent...
Today, I look at scars on my left wrist and contemplate...were these really accidental wounds? Interesting how I see three scars but only remember one accident...(I was at TIA at the age of 12 - cut it on a lightening rod). When I hear and listen to my heart rate - I am able to count my pulse on my right wrist. I am able to see my pulse right under my skin...no shit.
Today was a good day to die, but it sure is a good day to keep walking this Path. I've got to keep walking...
My youngest daughter, Sam, transported me to a follow up visit with my primary this morning. We arrived for a 10:15 appt., early so that we might depart from the practice well past noon...as in 1:30'ish. Took a book too..."The Man Who Killed The Deer, A Novel Of Pueblo Indian Life", written by Frank Waters. The business of the trip was complex and I am uncertain what took place other than a "read the laboratory tests and to-take-a-listen"...I was out of the exam room in less than ten minutes...& that may be a stretch. I do see that I have been officially diagnosised with DIABETES 250.00. Okay, so now I really know things must change (Yes, I'm freaked out!). Brenda and I are blessed to have found an excellent source for the glycemic index and have committed ourselves to the change in our Live's Path - not so much change as more to adapt and move on. I left with no medication's, so for now I am plenty happy. I do have to stick myself three times daily, but this has almost become a contest for me and this diagnosis! The plan is to whip it! Last visit on 29 December 2010, the glucose level was 247, today 7 January 11, it was 188. Maybe that's why no medication? Shit, I hope!
On the way home we stopped by the Westshore Plaza for a latte from one of my old Coffee Houses! Oh Lord, it felt so good to just be there in the lobby! An Ole Friend/Co-Owner is taking care of the business and it looks fantastic! My heart was warmed by his welcome and the constant smiles on all of the co-owners face's...the heart was also touched by the icy cold fingers of a reality that reminds me that I am damaged goods...
...it had been a mighty long time since I last visited a mall. Too long. I did trip a couple of times but did not fall and the breif walk to The Coffee House and JC Penny cost me a Cat Life dahlink...by the time we were out of there I looked as if I had ran a 5K. Drops falling off my curls...did I lose a pound or two?
One of The Voices, spoke to me today. Called my name and called my name again. I was home alone and my dear neighbours don't know me that damn well...SO, I am aware One-Who-Has-Passed, is here for a visit. I've told them I hear dead people...some folks just don't listen. No-Ears.
Besides the sweatathon at the Plaza, meniere's has been following me all day with the super-nausea and a dizziness that required medication. My right ear is loud and full of giant locust! Earlier today I was able to hear my pulse rate for an unknown amount of time, the blood pumping so loudly! My left deaf ear is silent...
Today, I look at scars on my left wrist and contemplate...were these really accidental wounds? Interesting how I see three scars but only remember one accident...(I was at TIA at the age of 12 - cut it on a lightening rod). When I hear and listen to my heart rate - I am able to count my pulse on my right wrist. I am able to see my pulse right under my skin...no shit.
Today was a good day to die, but it sure is a good day to keep walking this Path. I've got to keep walking...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Meniere's Disease, Psyche Manifest Psychosis, Part V
As one living with Meniere's Disease, I strongly beleive this true and affirm, that with-in itself, meniere's disease, is a psychosis in-waiting. Thus compounding one disease with another...creating a disease that runs deep and with-out mercy. Effecting and affecting the simple spectrum called "My Life". From the loss of hearing in my left ear, having several operations in a truly short span ot months. The loss of my all-time favorite occupation with My Coffee Company, to the loss of independance. I am exiled. The freedom to just jump in the car for a quick spin is lost...the loss of seld-esteem. The loss of so many folks I really thought were dear friends - hurts my Spirit'...their silence a prayer? Am I really to live the rest of my life like this? I'm still rather young to have lost as much life to this maddening disease/disease's as I have...there is a huge part of my Spirit's that also are thankful. I am a fortunate one...
Was it really just a matter of time? Was it really my repsonsibilty to have this moment of clarity connecting Meniere's Disease and Depression, amongst other associated emotional and or mental issues...
One and one half weeks ago, I had what I reported to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, as a Meniere's phenomena. While sitting on the sofa in my living room, I had what I can describe only as something I had NEVER experianced with my health situations. I endured vertigo attack's that were consecutive and repeated for several minutes in duration. All I could do was lay my head back and tried my best to let go. I felt my heart pound in my chest. My breathing was affected, so I pushed harder to keep me breath and focus. Consequently, have had to deal with the post-vertigo attack issues since then. Sadly, much of the post week and one half was spent sleeping or in a troubled state. I am aware I missed out on some festive times...that's not someting I wanted to share, but know it is said. It's easy to keep the gloom in...
As of this moment I am dizzy, nauseated and am perspiring. The sounds between my ears are very loud this afternoon. The roar of a jet plane in my left ear, it's parked out front today and my right-good-bad-ear has been playing mind games by switching on and off more frequently lately...also, either being so sensitive to sound or having great difficulty hearing.
Look, really, there have been times when I thought I was really going mad! Probably, too many times. I attempt to not let show much of what's going on in my mind...or heart. But damn! My brand has healed. Sometimes thought's come to the front of my mind that I fight off. I am visited by the voices still. Have been getting panic attacks...and I try not to call this madness.
Yah-hey! It just hit me that I don't know what Dr. Psych, is treating me for! Will inquire next visit. Had a visit on the Monday, and we have begun anew. A new "anti" uber pill and I'm off to the race's...I pray. Yes, it was just a matter of time. Wasn't it?
Brenda and I have been working and have embraced the GI scale over the past week. It is working, loss of weight and a managed blood suger, and a better state of awareness of body and it's going's on...
...it's a bitch, but sure is fact, that one has to use what one has before one loses it...no matter what the hell it might be!
Visited Sir Dude, earlier today. Had good talk. A good visit. Good ideas to help me get engaged in projects out of home...as in getting out there with PEOPLE and to have contact with folks...speak with and be around folks...take classes at our local craft stores and what not. I like the idea and will follow through...
...to breaking fast on this exile! I don't want to be exiled anymore.
Was it really just a matter of time? Was it really my repsonsibilty to have this moment of clarity connecting Meniere's Disease and Depression, amongst other associated emotional and or mental issues...
One and one half weeks ago, I had what I reported to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, as a Meniere's phenomena. While sitting on the sofa in my living room, I had what I can describe only as something I had NEVER experianced with my health situations. I endured vertigo attack's that were consecutive and repeated for several minutes in duration. All I could do was lay my head back and tried my best to let go. I felt my heart pound in my chest. My breathing was affected, so I pushed harder to keep me breath and focus. Consequently, have had to deal with the post-vertigo attack issues since then. Sadly, much of the post week and one half was spent sleeping or in a troubled state. I am aware I missed out on some festive times...that's not someting I wanted to share, but know it is said. It's easy to keep the gloom in...
As of this moment I am dizzy, nauseated and am perspiring. The sounds between my ears are very loud this afternoon. The roar of a jet plane in my left ear, it's parked out front today and my right-good-bad-ear has been playing mind games by switching on and off more frequently lately...also, either being so sensitive to sound or having great difficulty hearing.
Look, really, there have been times when I thought I was really going mad! Probably, too many times. I attempt to not let show much of what's going on in my mind...or heart. But damn! My brand has healed. Sometimes thought's come to the front of my mind that I fight off. I am visited by the voices still. Have been getting panic attacks...and I try not to call this madness.
Yah-hey! It just hit me that I don't know what Dr. Psych, is treating me for! Will inquire next visit. Had a visit on the Monday, and we have begun anew. A new "anti" uber pill and I'm off to the race's...I pray. Yes, it was just a matter of time. Wasn't it?
Brenda and I have been working and have embraced the GI scale over the past week. It is working, loss of weight and a managed blood suger, and a better state of awareness of body and it's going's on...
...it's a bitch, but sure is fact, that one has to use what one has before one loses it...no matter what the hell it might be!
Visited Sir Dude, earlier today. Had good talk. A good visit. Good ideas to help me get engaged in projects out of home...as in getting out there with PEOPLE and to have contact with folks...speak with and be around folks...take classes at our local craft stores and what not. I like the idea and will follow through...
...to breaking fast on this exile! I don't want to be exiled anymore.
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