Is it just me, or isn't it mad that someone would say and interfere with a doctor and her patient as I try to visit with her, one of my doctor's, She-Who-Snips and Cuts. Am informed and otherwise told there is a problem because I owe two hundred dollars. A book keeper tried to block me from seeing my doctor? Really? Yes. she tried. It was time then and with the utmost respect - to convey my message to her, with the same middle name as my wife, that I was more concerned with my health than two hundred dollars and change. I have spoken with the coordinator of appointments and will see my doctor. Idid not over-look nor disrespect said book keeper, it's just that I refuse to listen to a person tell me what it is I can and can not do when it comes to my health and the relationship I have with MY doctor. My appointment is scheduled for 16 October 2012 at 1415. There are some cancerous growth on a few spots on my body and I have a lump in/on my left thumb. My plan is to take the Little Blue Bus...
...she, the book keeper treated me as if I was somebody she used to know. As if I was a total stranger. Smitch please, this ain't working like that here. Since she obviously didn't know before hand, she knows now. For me, the all of this adds a dash of drama to the present-tense of what's really going on up here in my attic. To treat me as if I was some Spic off the streets is not too damned cool when I am in these states. As much money that has gone into that clinic from my wallet and with as many lumps, snips, and cuts I've had treated and removed behind those doors. Please.
It's very cloudy out side of our Lodge. Have heard thunder and this adds to the ambiance of the dark, dank gloom swaying like a breeze through the deep fog of the swamp land not far from here. We also have that very deep channel that passes behind the lodge less than fifty yards. The fog that is birthed from this chanel is monster mad.
Seems to be cloudy and over cast in the Lodge too and I am able to sit within myself and look up towards my brains and see the clouds looming, with what looks like a storm approaching. Dark purple and deep dark blue clouds linger up here. As it is, with there more life drama ahead and approaching.
I am better able to determine that the gloom welcomes this with open arms. My perception of things is that this is where the gloom wants me to be. It's as if the negative energy of evil wishes to break through the gloom to create havoc within these chambers...
...so I embrace these things and welcome them as guests to my being. I always hold close to these thoughts and sensations that fill me with dispair. So disturbing it is to have this going on when I have had such a stetch of time without the gloom and the dank of this darkness. I am ashamed and embarressed by this.
These changes have brought about changes in my center. The Core of my being and I do whatever it is that I must do to survive. I can sense the warrior within being stired by the addition of new scars. The scars that Folks don't see. The one's people's can't see. Like when I cry and the tears fall from the inside. Or like when I've whipped myself with a heavy leather belt and whelps develope from the inside of my flesh...
...I have never liked the expression about Folks being called, 'The Cutter's', because the cutter's I've known and met have a different approach to cutting. These dozens of sight slices by sharp new razors require a strength and an obmination of what it was that brings us to the point of slicing our kin. Everything that was done to me as a child, teen and adult is encapsulted and compartmentalized in these two brins of mine. The everything that was said - or not said. Them who knew and did nothing. Them who had an idea but never reported. The pain and horror of the rapes, the conisistancey and continuamcy of the Incest and the molestations perpetrated by friends of family and strangers...
...I was once a cutter. I would cut though, not slice. I wanted a wound with a scar. As it is today when I have an operation, I ant a scar. I embrace the agony, the suffering and the blood. But, I do not cut myself anymore as I mentioned. I have become One-Who-Burns-Self. I reckon that would qualify me as a "Burner". In the past, I have burned my scrotum and I have branded the 'Sign of The Fish', on my left upper arm time after time again. Rememberances...
...because little does the gloom know - the dark purple and blue clouds have no clue, that I have the tools with which to work with and the ability to use them. The Warrior, within awakens and we will fight this deprerssion! We will fight battle after battle of this War with Meniere's, depression, and the rest of my Medical History. I share now that I will crawl across broken glass to get to the other side! This is the differance between a Victime and a Survivor. We will survive! I will survive! And embrace the energy that is brewing within - to learn what for this message of gloom and blue as I supersede it's energy with the energy that I have built and made strong over the years.
No, there will be no cutting, burning, or any other form of self-punishment. I promise this with all my nature and give my word to all Relations...
...and most imporantly to my selve's. Seen? Seen.
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