A Memory of Sexual Abuse

I recently had several flashbacks that struck me right between my two front teeth. Some of these memories...

...was of a molestation I was subjected to by a former Catholic priest. I never put the two plus two together because I wasn't open eye'd to see what was really going on. As of then. He was a family friend. Knew my bride and my daughters. We had cook outs at his house! This happened later in my life, later in my adulthood. I was Thirty-Something.

I've even been through support groups for survivors of sexual abuse and also had a group I facilitated named S.S.A., Surivors of Sexual Abuse. If memory serves me well, I would have been in my recovery while he so desperately attempted to groom me. With the purchase of fine shoes, fine fragrances, nice clothes and the what not. He was stunning with his grooming process...

...I wonder how many others were caught by his manners and money. Just for a spell he had me hooked. Like a fish outa water...

...what he didn't know nor realize was that I was a committed husband and father...I was also a survivor of sexual abuse. He, as he found out that day - all those years ago, learned the right way. That he FUCKED up.

He tried so hard to have sex with me. Through his actions and broken trust he molested me in so many ways...he molested me. No damned doubt. He had me fucked up for somebody else, you see? So fuck you Mr. Preacher. Sir! Fuck you!

And as a Survivor of Sexual Abuse, a warrior for those of us who made it and for those of us who did not. Oh, my dear Sisters and brothers, I am still here and I still stand for the rights of us who were subjected to the horror, terror, rape and all other forms of abuse...

...all of which folks like you, Mr. Preacher man, put us through. This is for all of my Brothers and Sisters that were unable to speak for themselves. This is for me as a boy and as a young man...who didn't know the language...

Who knows? There just may be a day I get the ole group back together again.

In the mean time, please tell! TALK! Don't keep secrets. That's what the perpetrators want us to do. To fucken keep quiet and don't tell.

I've never shared this because I never had the mind to...remember, I didn't know the language. So here it is.

I'm chill like that...

Fuck you, Mr. Preacher Man! Fuck You!

Beck's Comment on "Camp sounds like Hitler Youth" What?!

Hello Kindred Spirits.

I have decided after a few days of contemplation and a bit of time to digest something that was stated, commented, uttered aloud by someone who really likes to hear himself speak. The following words are from Mr. Glen Beck, "There was a shooting at a political camp, which sounds a little like, you know, the Hitler Youth. I mean who does a camp for kids that's all about ploitics? Disturbing." Um, no sir, it is your comment that is disturbing. This tragic event eook plave in Norway. A NATO ally since 1949.


I will refrain from profanity. As much as possible/ as I may...

...if this man, speaking of Mr. Glen Beck, had been a Jewish man or WOman, or if the person was of an Arabian, or amongst a group of people with color. The fuckin' consequences would have been very, very different Sir.

By stepping on your own shit, you see and I see, as well as perhaps thousands more see just what type of white trash you are Sir. These words came across the way you wanted them to be expressed. It is of my belief you were eagar to make the jackass of a statement.

Even bringing up the name Hitler, while speaking of Norway makes no sense.

You are a bleeding ignorant donkey. Sir

Flashbacks, Memories, Menier's, Pain & I

Peace!

Had a rather good visit with Sir. Dude this morning. There was an excellent exchange of thoughts, words and ideas/images. We had our talk. Sir Dude, I suspect, is keeping me near his wing's and I am happy with this arrangement for sure and for now. I'll get to later when I get there. I will say this, Sir. Dude, is one super therapist! I would go as far as saying Top 2 for sure.

Nausea has been along my day for the most of today and night. I have again burped vomit into my mouth. I begin to question if this is some form of body memories from my Anorexia and Bulimia days. There was a place and time when I had myself so trained I didn't have to use my finger. Bend at the waist, burp and there it came.

As has the dizziness and the "hot flashes" with the sweating and or perspiration, I would give today a 3 on a scale of one through ten. It has been a really awkward and uncordinated day. No walk abouts. Took all medications as directed by He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. The rains, lightening, and thunder made sure I stayed in the house...

...which brings me to a recent flashback. There was one time as a young teen I took a twine of wire and held it up to the skies to take me. I screamed and cried during out loud with that particular storm. No matter how high I lifted the metal twine, how hard I tried to get struck. Great Spirit, protected me from that storm. No, I never got struck by the lightening. Oh well, what can I say about the stuff I have tucked away in the folds of my brains. God had me covered!

My SSD, Single Side Deaf Ear was not paying me no mind and had an orchestra of jungle inhabitants playing there tunes at full blast. I have also picked up several beeps from same ear.

The Worms have taken the day off! No shit! Not one sensation on my skull.
Brilliant!

My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a really bad day. Hearing was tough and too many moments of silence today. Had the whole tunnel thing work it too. This is scarey stuff here my Relations.

The pain in my neck has been up to an eight today. I take what was directed. No pain relief. Strictly muscle relaxer. Which for me is okay - for now - but let the shit hit the fan under my melon sized cocnut head and then we will have a business conversation...

...I have continued with the exercise's K-Lo trained me on and I lift the kettle bar to assist with the creation of a stronger frame for which I will use as "my nets" when I fall. Please do undersatnd. I am beginning to see some pretty sweet changes in arms and chest and I would rather fall on a good hard frame rather than a floopy weak frame.

I recently have been overloaded with flashbacks and body memories. Please pardom me if I wait intil next entry to share such.

As far as for now, much love and understanding be with you all...

...peace...

Meniere's & I, 27 July 2011

At this moment I am perspiring due to the nausea in my throat. I have not vomited today but have had the taste of it in my mouth most of the day.

I am dizzy to the degree of having to be cautious as I walk and take every step properly here in this maze called my Lodge. It's not that we're over stuffed or like them who collect too much, you know? Like them on the television? It's just that I know damn good and well I have to be on my P's and Q's every minute...when up and about that becomes more like every second. It's on day's like today that I consider myself most at risk. Too much bumping into walls and the furniture. There have been times when I have tripped over nothing. For real.

My Worm's that dwell in my left skull are napping at the moment...the shit's. They sure were busy this morning.

My Left Dear Ear has been listening to crickets OUTloud and for what seems the whole day long. Must be thousands of them in my ear! Bastards! Woke early to take a sleep at 1100 then wake shortly after for a return to slumber for a spell. It is because I am exhausted and truly, very frustrated...

...my Right-Good-Bad Ear has had the sounds of the voices. It's because of a voice I heard just a while ago that I got up and steady moving on as I journaled. It was a down right weird voice. Anyways, I have had moments of silence, or moments of tunnel hearing. Oh yes, the airboat that sits behind my house and rev's the motor up good and loud.

Slept most of yesterday away, The Tuesday. I slept through most of this past Monday away. And yes, I have been to Dream World twice today and will be returning indirectly. This blogg has been in my mind and Spirit's. So I wanted to get up right and tap a few words to my Relations.

On this past Sunday, I learned that the motion of the ocean is not so much a friend of mine. I was a bumbling, fumbling, tripping mule, and just kept falling into the water. I was the goofy-ass Dude trying to drown himself. I suspect. Unless, I did just let go and let the current have it's way with me...Oh, naw-naw Boo! I stayed a spell and sat a spell and left at a reasonable time. Many Relations gathered for a farewell party for my Honorable Daughter Number One. It made my heart happy to see so many of her friends show up. For me the gathering was a reminder of my daughter going far and away. But it sure did damn hit my Daddy Heart! My baby...

It was necessary to sleep a while earlier. So many sounds! So many noises! The want of a good vomit just to help me feel a bit better. Meniere's has moved in Honey.

Maybe I go to my secret place soon...maybe now.

A Father's Lament

I cried myself to sleep last night.

About something different, something else, you see?

This comes from my Daddy Heart...

...in eight days my Honorable Daughter Number One moves off and far, far, away from home...

...the tears come easily. So naturally? My heart is heavy. And so deeply blue.

My baby, God? Protect her and guide my dear One. Please God.

A Daddy's lament.

p.s. I didn't think this would affect me as deeply as it has. Damn it! Please don't judge.

Utterances on a Tuesday Afternoon

My Relations, can't you see we are all still living in a Babylon way? We are well into the year 2011, and yes, there have been some remarkable achievments through our growth process as a Human Race. We learned to, "Walk up-right, make fire, learn to talk, and we learned to wipe our ass", are way up on there on my list.

With the inclusion of Darwinism/For be real-ism's into the relgions and governments of this Planet Earth. What expression or word is it - what the hell word is it, I can't find it, but in my mind it looks something like this; Progress + greed = Self-distruction. Self-Annihilation. I am a Native of the South Eastern United States. Have lived here in Florida most of my days on Earth Mother. On my father's side of the family we are five generations deep here in Florida. On my mother's side of family, we go back generations before The Civil War deep. We walked and lived the Cherokee life...

...and what is it on our radio's, e-mail, televisions and the press that would tell us and lead us to believe it is okay to be a waste full folk? What is it we see as the co-inhabitants of this globe, our Earth Mother, that makes it ALRIGHT to pollute and strip away layer after layer of OUR Earth Mother? Are we here simply to observe the continuation of the rape and destuction of the very Earth we walk. We take breathe and drink of her water's...as we drank the milk from our Mother's breast. We would not approve pollution of our birth mom, yet even as we read these words together we spoil our water ways and dump much more than a few million gallons of oil into our oceans. We all know this.

Some folks even celebrate the sinking of boats and ships into our Gulf of Mexico and our Atlantic Ocean. "Artifical Reefs", this rubbish is named. Bull Fuckin' Shit! If there were no reefs there before, maybe there wasn't supposed to be a huge piece of rubbish-fake-ass-reef there to begin with. What?

We're all too busy to notice the dariry farms that were so large you could see further than the eye to see...

...are just about gone. As a Floridian, I remember seeing these places...forest and orange groove for as far as the eye could imagine to see.

This Babylon way continues to perpetuate the Jim Crow code of decades gone by. Won't Relations just join me and say YES Mario, I see it too! So many of use must speak "OUT"...

...to ensure we do more than wish somebody would say something! Could've said something. Should've said something? This Babylon way...

...the oppression and the suppression of many folk still remain and remain overlooked. As in Seek and Hide. We all know it's going on. I know I do! Right here at home, I pray for Kinfolk in the Smokie's, to Relations in Africa, Jamaica, Cuba,...the Congo, Zimbabwe, Kenya, Botswana, Serbia, Kentucky, Tennessee...

...our fellow counrtymen here in The South. We pass a blind eye and a deaf ear to the peoples who are our brothers and sisters here. As a Group of Many Kindred, we permit nations to ethnic cleanse and permit the genocide of millions. We as an educated and well traveled population see what it is WE are doing to our Earth Mother and Our Fellow Man. Until The-Bald-Head-Tallahassee, places ink to paper...until Him in Washington D.C., just does it...

...it's all yackity-yack-yack. Mark this treaty paper please, Cheif?

Until something is said - until something is done it is "WE", still living in the Babylon way.

A Message To A Friend For Life, *Darmstadt*

Dear Sir,

I remember us doing the autobahn, back-back-back in the day. 1978. Late at night doing whatever speed you were hitting. Probably 75 or so. Our windows would be wide open even though it was quite chilly out and your car stereo would be blasting Elton John's, "Funeral For A Friend".

We would do this every so often. Have a see and look about the community we were a part of and lived in. I have photo's of one particular "field trip". Jerome came along with us. I remember going to visit your brother Joe, who was also stationed in West Germany, not too far from us.

The evening's with you, Joe, Jerome and I remain alive in my Spirit's Sir. All of our other Dudes...remember the dude with exact name as me? He was almost half my height. LOL! Oh Man, what a good time in my life.

I can remember us like 'always' doing chow call...well almost always. All in all, the vittles were pretty good. True? Do you remember me smashing into the stop sigh's to scare folks or the times I would slip on ice - not on purpose. I do.

The memorey of us having to take care of our own when we caught that fool in our room trying to rob us. It may have taken a day or two or three - but we delivered the message by first class hand delivery. Never had a problem from him or any one else for that matter. That's called Brother taking care of brother's back...

...like stank on a skunk - we were there in a micro-second if one or the other got into something awkward or a need came up.

My brutha, I offer my deepest and sincere aplogy for anything I said that would have created such a terrible split between Kindred who have been associated longer than 30 years. You are One of my God sent Friend for Life. I am blessed to know you and your beautiful and wonderful family.

We alway's had each others back, you and I. Life does not feel the same with out you in it, my Friend for Life...

Please know I speak truth and have no reason on Earth Mother to ever hurt you Ole friend! Never meant to.

From my Spirit's to your Spirit's, I am sorry...

...and I still love you Dude!!!

Books Completed, Books Reviewed, & Those On The Ready

I was connecting with a friend earlier this afternoon. She lives in Toronto.
We both learned we have a couple of things really cool in common. The one I feel most comfortable sharing is the undeniable enjoyment we receive when/while reading books of a wide genre. She is a wise young WOman and I am Blessed to have her in my circle. I am also honored by her respect.

It was mentioned that she was in the midst of reading 2-3 books...oddly enough so am I. If I were to include the two coffee table books I read as I may, I've had my face in five books until I just completed my latest two titles, "I Fought with Custer, The Story of Sergeant Windolf, Last Survivor of the Little Big Horn, As told to Frazier and Robert Hunt", last week and "Georgia's Piece Of The Rock, An Exciting And Colorful Biography Of The World's Largest Carving At Stone Mountain, Georgia", as written by Morris Shelton late this evening.

Before I go any further, I must admit with an honest heart that it was nescessary I juxtaposed my educational knowledge, the readings of many books on the subject of The Lakota - Sioux people, Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, Red Cloud and The Battle of the Little Big Horn. Where and when Mr. Custer, Mr. Reno and their men were killed in combat. It was a difficult read because the author repeatedly referred to The Lakota's, Dakota's, Sioux and Cheyenne Indians as savages. He also kept referring to the battle as a massacre. This was not a massacre - it was very simply a defeat or two. In this battle and subsequent battles, the loss of Indian Blood was by far the worst of all. I will state, over all the book was a fair read. With the perspective of yet another person. A white man, I was able to learn some new and interesting words about this slaughter of Native Americans at the hands of fellow Americans...and something that get's me in the gut is knowing that "NO WHITE PERSON" survived the Battle of the Little Big Horn. I have read that there could've been a survivor but he blasted himself in the head when he thought Indians chasing him were close while actually way out of range. This is a keeper and will join my library for a follow up read sometime down the line.

A book I am reading steadfastly is, "The Lakotas And The Black Hills, The Struggle For Sacred Ground". Written by Jeffery Ostler. Thus far this has been an exceptional read as this book is written with statistics and politics in word and hand. So far this has been an incredible read indeed.

The two coffee table books are The Illustrated Book of Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee and Volume One of the autobiography of Mark Twain. Both excellent reads with exceptional photos, maps and the works for the Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee.

I have done simple book reviews in the past. I think I'll continue.

Oh, how I love to read!

There is one that will follow this book on The Lakotas and The Black Hills.
It is "The French Indian War". I am eager to read this as this will be my first venture outside of the United States of America with respect to the Native Blood running through these veins of mine.

Brenda, Dr. Psych, Meniere's and I

Visited with my Dr. N., this morning. I left there feeling about the same as I did on the way in. I gave the past week a three, on a level of one - ten. This very whole depression shit is so depressing that I surprise myself sometimes...

...surprised at the will to survive. My inner strength and the knowledge of knowing what peace feels like that keeps me walking my Path. It's like a mandatory thing for me in this life to face adversity - no matter how cruel or how abusive the scenerio may have been or may be. I am here today.

And yes, today would in fact be a good day to die, but with the thunder heading this way and the rains that will come with it, today is also a good day to be alive.

Brenda is home recovering from this menace of an illness. She's sleeping at the moment and I do hope she'll hear the thunder the next time she roles over to a cooler spot on the linen. My dearest...

My eldest shared with me this morning that she'll leave here for the U.A.E., on 04 August 2011. As one who has enjoyed many an adventurous journey, I am so damned excited for her. She has made me a very proud man and father...

...it's the Daddy's Heart thing that struck me this morning. My Daddy Heart is going to have a bloody fit come August! And I know this. I believe this will also be a grand undertaking for the four of us as a family unit. Oh, My Dear Lord, a father's lament.

As far as I and I, I spoke with the assistant to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, this morning. Described the Meniere's attack from Monday, the new symptom and what the post attack sypmtoms have been like. At this moment, 1440, I am dizzy, nauseated with no vomitting, sweating and perspiring, with an underlying sadness I have been unable to defeat. Have had muscle spasms on the left side of my face. My scalp is sweating for shit's sake. My SSD aka my Deaf Left ear is listening to the sounds of the Everglades at mid-night on a full Moon. These sumbitchin' crickets, frogs and gator's are going to get the best of me someday. Huh? My Right-Good-Bad ear has been hearing more voices AND yes, I did share that with Dr. N., aka, Dr. Psych. Moments of silence come about intermittently. Look, it's come to a point where I hardly pay this much of any mind. Shit, it's like really working my mind to deaf...ya know? I could be reading, eating, whatever's and once that silence hit's - I listen to the silence and wait. What else to do? My worms were active this morning. I suspect their napping...

...like I will in just a wee bit.

K-Lo! I have continued doing the exercises you taught me! Thanks Dude!

Relations, I am blessed to have our Path's cross.

I'll continue to Walk my Path...

Grace Jones and My Ear Hole

Listening to Grace Jones, singing "I've Seen That Face Before". Alot of this song is in French and is probably one of my Top 5 by Miss. Jones. My number one being "La Vie en Rose". Yes, I do enjoy listening to Grace...

...since the late 1970's while living in Darmsdat, Germany. Where I was introduced to Miss. Grace. So , really, I have been a huge fan for a few decades. I remember what it was like to have her make love to both of my ear holes when I could hear out of both. She's still here with me decades later and though I may only hear her in one ear hole - she still makes love to me in both.

Oh yes, I remember, Grace. Do you, my dear?

Had an opportunity to see her once in Fort Lauderdale, Florida and passed her by for a different club as we were in the club she was to have concert and it was getting a bit stuffy. It was a fantastic club called Back Street's, in downtown Ft. Laud. That particular evening I had other things in mind and left for a different club, The Copa. Have fucken regretted it for years times years and from city to city. I waited for one more chance of a life time to see my Miss. Jones...

...that chance - that opportunity, finally came about back in the mid-1990's. I was blessed to be in her company and enjoy one of the most fabulous shows ever. Kin, a dear friend was with me and we had an absolute
blast. I'll never ever forget her show in Ybor City at the El Goya. Her show lasted for about three hours and her drama and strength was fitting for each song she sang. She had all the boy's stirred up, Honey!

She is still so damned beautiful, in and "OUT".

Walking In The Rain...

She-The-One-I-Married Rushed To Emergency Department

Brenda, my bride, was rushed off to the Emergency Department this morning. She was suffering from very productive nausea, pains and an over-all disposition that required emergency care. She is home now and is comfortable in her favorite spot to relax. One of the medications provided is beginning to wear off giving her high anxiety and she is quite anxious. Yet all-in-all she is doing well and is reclined. The doctors have located a stone in her kidney and have provided medication to ease the discomfort and nausea.

I have let this affect me in an emotional way and let myself go to the place of "The What-If's?". I won't list them all but will share this one...

What if something dreadful should happen to Brenda? Yes, I am Man, but I think to myself, should something catastrophic happen to the one I married I would go absolutely mad. So let me then establish right now with these words I share with all Relations - should something catastrophic ever happen to She-The-One-I-Married, insure I am placed under some form of observation by folks educated to assist folks who have gone mad. This is not a joke. If not institutionally, then Home Health. Know I have typed these words this 20th day of July 2011 and expect that these wishes are to be held in high esteem...

...what took place this morning has affected me in sad and peculiar ways of thought. I just don't know what I would do. I don't.

Brenda, has been my doctor, my nurse, coach, my wife of 31 years and my BFF.

Today is day three from the vertigo attack on Monday. I have slept long good hours of sleep until this morning.

The post vertigo attacks are stirred up good and plenty. I am also in a place where I have too much rushing through my thoughts that I am rendered exhausted, nauseated, and dizzy. Atop the already existing Meniere's Disease, post vertigo attack symptoms. I am sweating and have taken medication as He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, directed. My Left Deaf ear is beeping out loud and my Right-Good-Bad ear has been plopping. Have noticed some discomfort in my Left Deaf ear hole since two evenings ago.

I feel the angst in my Core...

Vertigo Attack Yesterday Afternoon

I had a vertigo attack yesterday afternoon. Right about this time, 1430 - 1500. It lasted for an hour that I know of. I was finally able to take as directed by He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, a tiny white pill that I place under my tongue. I reckon this was a preperation in my observing only an hour of this Meniere's attack. The majority of attacks linger and linger longer than this one. So, then I say now to my doctor, Thank you, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Somehow - someway, you had a hand in my hand with this vertigo attack...

...helped me to lie in bed and fall off to sleep in little time.

Note: At this moment I am hearing voices in the large room. Folks having a conversation of what I can not determine. I am home alone at this time. Yes, I did go and confirm this. I am home alone.

There is a new symptom that forewarned me of something odd and or strange was going on. This symptom made it seem like I had a dozen or so fire fly's with a brilliant display of their differently coloured "lights", all aflutter in my eye orbs. I knew in my Center, that the moment these appeared I was to retreat to my bed. Shortly after I saw these I went into a difficult spinning and very dizzy spell. Seemed all about and within my skull and brains. I was able to make it take medication and straight away off to bed. My room spun about and around. And around.

My vision became blurry and I have had a negative response to this meniere's attack sypmtom. This is becoming more common. And I'm aware it is time to have my eye orbs inspected. Affecting my vision has been a recent major event with this Meniere's...

...this all affects my Spirit and Heart. I swear it does...softly stated.

Nausea was an incredibly vulgar and uncomfortable nausea. My throat and voice were affected by it. It was disgusting and other than burping and vomiting water and a slight taste of medication, the nausea remained unproductive.

I sweated like a horse. Anyone ever ride bare back? Alright then...

Have slept most of the past twenty four hours and will be back in my safe place for a return to Dream World.

NOTE: I do want to make note that I have slept many hours over this past week end and parts of last week. I do beleive I know why. Why? Away from here with-out leaving here is better than being awake and dizzy or nauseated. The noises will drive me madly to bed. Then, yes I do practice a sleep over any symptom any time. That explains it. To me anways.

Today, I am exhausted and my skeleton hurts and aches. From my my skull to the knuckles of my toes. My eye orbs ache for Shit's Sake! Has anyone ever really had an eye ache?

I am hearing loud beep-beep's in my Deaf Left. My Right-Good-Bad ear is listening to crickets and cicada's in concert loudly. k.d. Lang, is here next to my right ear singing for me, "A Sleep With No Dreaming". She tells me she loves me. She knows. The right also has some form of tunnel hearing that come's and go's. Silence for moments and minutes...and then k.d. Lang and the Siss Boom Bang.

Relations, there have been many an issue arise over the past few weeks. The Meniere's Disease and these other diagnosis and disease's are disturbing me a great deal. I mean to say a great fucken deal, but I won't. My Spirit's are worn and my Core seems often too vulnerable. My pataince has gone brittle.

Shit! The worms on the left side of my skull are at play.

Meniere's Disease On A Wednesday, 13 July 2011

I have had nausea since I woke this morning. The medication is not effective - so I burp trying to beat the nausea sensation...as a form of fighting the nausea. Have been sweating and perspiring most of today and am in shirt number three...

...I wear bandanas around my neck and sometimes as a scarf/do-rag to help me keep from dripping all about and to collect the perspiration as I do. Which has been most of the day thus far. Practical yes, and a wee little bit fashion too. What? Time and time again I've said, "I should've been a Cowboy".

Had a quite pleasent gathering with my therapist Sir Dude, earlier today. Was able to have good exchanges and good talks. There's just something on the front of my mind that says something was forgotten. Sir Dude, provided me the opportunity to let loose on a couple of topics. Still, I am troubled.

Have had an up and down constant state of dizziness today. Sometimes just as slight and others that have me felling intoxicated. Weeble wobble and I do fall down.

The worms are alive and active this afternoon. A most troublesome sensation I think. Imagine it is you to feel as if there's worms living well on the left side of your head. It is something the mind does not grow accustomed to. Let me share that with you right now. A person does not get used to the sensation of foiken worms wiggling about the skull. I know this. You see?

My Deaf Left ear has roaring crickets at the moment. Earlier, while at Sir Dudes place I was picking up beep-beeping messages from a passing 1965 Soviet satellite. My Right Good Bad ear has had several moments of complete silence and had the sounds of a propeller air plane parked out back next to my bedroom window just an hour or so ago.

Sometimes I want to foiken scream...sometimes I do. Sometimes it helps and sometimes not. Sometimes there are times when I want to hurt myself, while most of the time these thoughts stay right where they are...

...in my mind, tucked away somewhere in one of the folds of my brain.

An Undisclosed Diagnosis

Dearest Relations, I am prepared to share something different about my health that I have not shared with too many Folks leave alone on such a wide form of communications. So please do pardon me for holding back on a diagnosis and health related matter.

Back in the mid 1990's, I was diagnosed with "Proctalgia Fugax". To this very day I continue with the symptoms associated with this disorder and like my Meniere's Disease and Asthma there are no cures. Matter-of-a-fact, there has never been a medication prescripition ordered for me to take for this...

...the Proctalgia Fugax, is a disease centered right directly and smack dab in the rectum. Yes, my rectum - the back door. The butt hole, etc., I've had this most painful, uncomfortable, "Earth Stopping", rectal problem soon to be twenty years. The incredibly simple to describ physical issue is this and please pardon the way it is explained. To easy for me not to pass by. Right, Proctalgia Fugax has some of the most horrible pains I can descibe and LOOK, to just say it, is this, I get spasms and cramps on/in the rectum. The ole Butt Hole...my poop shute...my Ass Hole.

I usually get these spasms in the night but have had spasms at work, and in the car - in other words I get them anytime - anyplace. The spasms usually last 20 to 40 minutes. Of what feels like I am wanting to give birth. Oh yes, I get all sorts of my urges to push, as if giving birth. I always remove myself from which area I was in when the spasam began. Sometimes that shit hurts so bad it takes my breath away. Makes me make odd noises and has brought me to tears before.

Since there is no medication or cure, it's clear I may look forward to these for my remaining day's here on Earth Mother.

I have contemplated many times on this Proctalgia...

...everytime I get these spasms or cramps, I wonder if I am being punished for the rapes I survived as a child and teen. Punished for not talking about the abuse - for not telling on the predators. Is my ass hole paying me back for all those times men forced themselve into me. It's so fucking really painfull. I know that it's real. I feel it in my ass...

...and I pray.

Relations, please do understand my hesitation in sharing this information. It's an embarrassing and shameful thing for me to have to live with it and even more to talk of it.

For me to remain true to my bloggs intro, it was necessary to bring this up to maintain the odd's and end's part of my life.

I just happen to have a real living pain in the ass. True, I did say that. Couldn't pass that up, ya know.

p.s. If you would like to read up on it. Hit Goggle.

She-Who-Knows-Me-Internally Says Good Bye

Had appointment this afternnon with She-Who-Knows-Me-Internally. Her name is Liz, and she has resigned her position at my doctor's practice to pursue her dreams of becoming a doctor. I am happy for you Liz! Yet, there is a small piece of me inside my heart that has shed a few tears...

...because I don't want her to leave or go away. She has been a part of my Better Health Care Team for quite sometime and has been my Go-To for years. I have been seeing Dr. LoC for over twenty years. I stay because I respect and love Dr. LoC. I did in fact permit myself to fall in love with Liz too. My crystal ball tells me I'm going to miss her one whole hell of alot. I know this is silly, but I feel as if we are breaking up after a years long friendship.

It was because of She-Who-Knows-Me-Internally, Liz, my friend, that my health, life and I made such wonderful progress towards a healthier way of life and living. A time will come soon when it will no longer be required to keep a written journal on the highs and the lows of diabetes. We as a Team have actually whooped up a disease good and proper! With-out shots or medications - no more pills! We did this with change in diet and exercise and it freaking worked. I have lost weight, have lost inches from my waist and have been lifting kettle weight for exercise, besides the exercises K-Lo taught me. It's a brave new world for I and I vs. the dreaded diabetes. I have truly worked hard and have lived a different life style to beat this...

...it has been one hell of a victory against a disease that has altered the life of my wife, a disease my Mom and Dad had prior to their Crossing. I've seen folks who lost limbs and life because of this disease. I don't want this diabetic bull-shit running through my veins...not in my blood. Please God.

Liz, good luck and much love Dahlin'. Know you have influenced me and motivated me with your words of encourgement, your repsect and empathy. Your name will always be associated with our victory.

I know perfectly well you are going to make one heck of a fantastic Doctor. Bust a move, Ma'am!

Love ya, your favorite patient,
Mario

p.s. It would be a perfect world if we could do the same thing with the foiken Meniere's Disease and Asthma...oh, what a dream.

How 'bout That Cowgirl

Wanted to send a thank you to my Cowgirl cousin who put on a terrific 1st Birthday gathering for my teenie tiny beautiful cousin...

...So many wonderful folks and loving Kinfolk...so many smiles and so much laughter. Folks, having a good time! Much love and peace for a spell.

In many respects it was a family reunion of sorts...my dearest Grandmother was there, my bride Brenda, my two dear Aunts and my Uncles, sister's, my favorite brother-in-law, nephews, and cousins galore...and then there was Dave's Kinfolk there too! Weeeeeeee Doggy! What a gathering!

My cousin, the Cowgirl, had the gathering at her farm so there was space for the children to run about. Her horses, donkeys, pigs, and goats represented her well by not biting any of them with little fingers, Hell, there was one particular goat that had horns as big as a bloody bull. I would've avoided him by yards myself, but to see these young fellers chase after him and the other goats reminded me and made me forget what it was like to be a kid for a minute.

It felt good to be out there in the country...away from the city. Even if just for a couple of hours. I could feel and sense my Tio Armando and his son, my cousin Monnie out there where they lived and walked. There's no doubt you two would've been right there with us celebrating and eating some excellent BBQ, beans, salads, pasta's, and sweets...


...She's living it and has a beautiful family. A grandaughter for the two of you and a fine husband. She's doing right by you, Tio and Cuz! I'm sure you both are very proud of your Cowgirl.

Cousin Cowgirl, thank you one thousand times...thank you.

Love you all,
Mario

p.s.
Good-goodness, this is what family really is all about.

"Green", A Son's Lament, Kinfolk and Meniere's

Am awake and have done some activities in the house today. Sort of giving myself something to do as Brenda does the same and as it keeps me from my bed, this is a bonus. Gathering items for donation to the American Cancer Research Center and am pleased with what has been gathered thus far. Have taken breaks for hydration and to keep my skin nice and healthy, as well as to push my body a wee while. We've donated to diffirent organization's for years, but with with my Dad having died by the cancer and seeing what cancer did to Dad, us, his children, and how it has affected other Kinfolk, near and dear, far and away. Dad! Damn it! This organization instantly bacame our organization to go to. The ACRC, has a store over in Saint Petersburg or Largo maybe, that sell's the donated items that are inspected to ensure it is quality, clean and ready to go to a new home. I also enjoy doing this because it provides me the knowledge and comfort that we're "green" by donating product that will be used by others right here in Tampa Bay. Much rather work it like this, rather than it being disposed of, to end up in some landfill or incinerator.

I miss my Pa, one hell of alot! Dad was the same way! Dad was "Green" before anybody ever talked of being "Green". The world is not the same without Mom or my Dad here. Or my dear kid brother, David. They've gone home to God and I miss them so very much and love them still. For as long as forever be...

...A son's lament...did I? Was I? I know I was able to be near and have our talks. I thank God, and am indebted to God, for providing me the Blessing's of being so near our parent's when God called them home...when the Chariot's came to take them home...but, was I? Did I?

Today, Meniere's has been nauseated, I have been dizzy, sweating, and perspiration. I am listening to crickets in my right-good-bad-ear aloud and my Left Deaf is beeping. Not constant today, every once in a bit, I'll get a beep that I hear approaching and then listen to it as it fades away. The worms have been awake off and on today...foiken little things take naps, en'it? My hearing is way off. Bad off, had to have the volume for the television set on maximum earlier. I'm sitting in silence right now. Today has been a day to walk with a purpose on every step. The balance and coordination thing has been off. So, I continue with the hyper-vigilance! These freaking falls are very scarey - um, no, pure terror! Look, I'm 51, a rather large 6'2 and I think I've heard myself scream once or twice when falling. The sudden out-of-the-clear-blue falls are the most terrifing! I know I screamed aloud for these.

I mean really, it is! Shit!

Screamed Out Loud? Naw Boooooo, no shame with that.

Today, has been a good day to die, and it surely has been a good day to be alive.

Tomorrow, we will spend time with Kinfolk, to celebrate the first birthday of a beautiful tiny little Sweetie Pie, cousin. And Oh! It is so getting me out and about! Even if it is but a couple or three hours. I can't wait! Weeeeeeeeeee-doggy!

These Are Times

Am waiting for my Bride to come home from work, she's working late...

...my daughter's have gone to South Carolina to visit friends.

I am home alone and wait for the telephone to ring. Please, somebody call!

Too much quite for too long a while, really causes me to fall into the moments of saddness. The Gloom. There's too much time to think when I am awake. Sleeping benefits my Meniere's Disease related symptoms but, it's also good and helps me keep the sad and gloom away. So I sleep...

...and I have slept a good chunk of today away and for that matter have slept a large chunk of this week away. As far as today or yesterday is concerned, I would not have been much of any good company anyways.

These are times I feel the worst. Especially when I am lonely or alone.
The voices of other world folks come through loud and clear. The one's repeating the words and then there is the cry of a baby and the voices of converation in the next room...

...these are times when I can see my pulse pump in my right wrist.

These are the time's, I contemplate inserting objects into my artery...into my private member. This is when I would more than likly place a fresh brand on to my skin...wanting a new scar. Waiting for a new scar.

These are the times, I wish for pain and am uncomfortable in my own skin. It hurts my heart to be so honest, but if I wasn't, I would then feel guilt. And there isn't a reason for me to feel guilt. Why lie?

It's just that for me, pain sometimes help's.

Meniere's Attack, Wed. P.M., 06 July 11

Wednesday afternoon, shortly after physical therapy had been completed and K-Lo and I had bid our farewells - I remember vaguely and yet fully realize that I had a vertigo attack. We have known all along that physical therapy stirred Meniere's symptoms, but had not caused a Meniere's attack before. It was important for me to have this therapy. I have believed in my Center, this is what I am to do to get to a healthier place. A healthier and stronger place, you see? Better than here. (In my Crystal Ball, I see more Physical Therapy).

After K-Lo left, I went to bed having had my usual symptoms. Laid down to watch and listen to the vertigo attack. Until I fell asleep. This is the unpretty shit I live with every day, Kindred. I would be lieing if I said that I don't think about an attack "popping up" everyday. Shit! Were these symptoms worse because I felt an emotional moment? I don't know. Maybe? Was this because maybe I've had a foiken cough for a few days? I don't foiken know...

...there isn't any one particular symptom or another that forewarns of an impending Meniere's attack anymore. Yes, there are times when I know I better get my ass "home" while out or that it is best for me to be in bed., but I be damned if I can predict a Meniere's Attack anymore. For heavens sake, not with all of these bleeding sypmtoms that have become an intricate part of my life.

The amount of sleep that I have slept since Wednesday, no matter how I try to battle it is high, having slept 38 hours and continue to sleep when my body tells me. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, asked me one week ago today, if I felt dizzy while I was on the floor waiting for family to come home, and no I was not dizzy at that moment. The dizzy came later and I have realized just how much I have slept since then too. No, I don't care to count how much I have slept. It doesn't matter right now...

...the now, is today and the symptoms I have now. I mentioned sleep, I woke early this morning to return to sleep one and one half hour later. Have just woke from the sleep a short time ago. I will be returning shortly. My body tells me so...

Note: Just had a bleeding loud BEEEEP-BEEEEP in my Left Deaf ear.

Nausea at this time is a seven and I burp to help me think that burping really works or helps. Have been non-productive thus far today. I am perspiring lightly at this time...misting.

Dizziness is a five and is being controlled by medications. What can I do?

The worms are active and play on the left side of my head. Imagine?

My Right-Good-Bad ear has had moments of total silence today. While other times I hear cicada's clear as foiken day and have gone outside to check if I am hearing this from the outside. No, I'm not. They're inside.

The "something" about this Meniere's Disease, is that once it has me in it's grasp, it is, what it does, on the inside my of body that dictates how I shall live and do what it is I do on my day to day's.

What it is that comes from my mouth or what expression I may carry, are the things I can control and maintain. This is why I carry a smile on my face or a laugh or two...one can hear it on the telephone when calling me, ya know? This is why I push it until pushing it hurts. Being in this position with Meniere's is further beyond my control than I ever thought.

So then it is up to me, my Relations and my Better Health Team to help me push on. Push = Pray Until Something Happens. I must. As irrational as this may sound, I must.

p.s. Please, will you all push with me?

Storms & Oh, Cherokee

If I remain quiet and still, I can hear the sounds of a water fall somewhere in my right inner ear. I listen and see with my Third Eye, it is a familiar one near Cherokee. Oh, I so do miss making our annual pilgrimge to the lands of my Grandmother's, Mother, and her Grandmother's, father's, father's land. All of them that came before my Mom and me. When I am there, it is if I walk in Spirit form. I am not a shape-shifter but, I know it is different for me there. I do not have to face the face's of them here who carry such a negative disposition.

It is this, my Right-Good-Bad-Ear, that has gone silent three different times today. Sounds of the water fall have been for most of today. My Left-Deaf-Ear, has been hearing the sounds of a car's backing up system. Shit! I've always hated that sound and here it is, alive in my Deaf Ear.

There are storms preparing to let loose of major rains. Thunder rumbles above and rolls in the distance.

I have a tremendous knot in my throat from the nausea and the dizziness stirs this disgusting shape I'm in into a sweaty sad mess. Sad as in depressed sad. I suspect there is a need for sleep. Today I have not and will not argue.

My neck hurts and my left arm tingles.

Gardened a bit before the dizziness became too much for me to handle. I took a two hour sleep earlier today. Four hours later, it is time for a return to Dream World.

Maybe if I concentrate hard enough I'll travel to Cherokee...

I'll send Post Cards!

Meniere's Stuff, K-Lo, and I

Pertaining to the Meniere's Disease, I am nauseated to the point of burping vomit and can taste the nothing in my stomach. Have had to rinse with Listerine twice to get the taste of the nothing from my tongue, teeth, throat and mind.

I have been going through the sweats something quite ugly today - from sweating so heavy my t-shirt sticks to my body, to perspiration and the sweating ball cap to a misty perspiration..it's disgusting. There are days when I'll go through three t-shirts. Sometimes even after I have showered.

The dizziness is a disgusting annoyance and very trouble-some. Since the fall last Friday, I have become almost hyper-vigilent. Yes. An honest self-observation. I am truly scared of having another fall...when will I have another fall? Where will I be when I fall the next time? I wonder and contemplate. Have I used up my nine lives? Them that kept me from broken bones and the loss of blood. I am "knowing" that dizziness plays a huge part in my falls. But hell, really? I have fallen so many times - I lost count...

...I'll never ever forget the day a "co-owner" of our Coffee House Company, and one I considered a dear Spirit and friend, patched me up because of a fall I took on the parking lot of our Coffee House Company. We both cried and laughed as she applied First Aid, She-Who-Shares-Cherokee, is her name. I miss her and I miss her husband too. Two extraordinary Kindred Folks. I'll never forget them. That was the last day I wore my green apron. That was the day my life got pulled inside out. Living with The Dizziness does this to me...

...so I wait for the next fall.

The Funky Worms are alive and well on the left side of my skull. I am informed time and time again that these are nerve related..."Honey, please don't let a worm come squirming out the side of my head"! Dad-Gum! There would be too much drama for me to handle.

My Left Deaf ear has been active with sounds all day today. I suppose making up for the yesterday. Loud beeps sending out an unknown message to an unknown people. On occassion a long loud beeeeeeeep comes about. My left inner ear continues to trouble me with intermittent pain. My right-bad-good ear has the sounds of a beautiful mountain valley as the sun sets over the Smokey Mountains...am trying to distract my right-good-bad ear, but have failed with various tunes and songs. I must go along - my business as business. As usual. And listen to both Robert Mirabal and the Smokey Mountain valley sunset. This noise is such as music in my ear. Today!

K-Lo and I said our farewells today. We have exhausted our allotted amount of sessions. There is a loss in my center knowing I may never see my teacher again. But I can share this truthfully and gladly, K-Lo taught me many lessons and again today he shared with me good words and good talk. I listen, remember and work what he has taught me. Some folk, I guess, don't take Physical Therapy seriously or to their benefit. Sad but true story. K-Lo, from my Spirit's to your's, thank you very much, Teacher.

Listen, I have a helecopter in my back yard? Clear as crystal - there is a helecopter parked in my back yard. As told to me by my Right-Good-Bad ear.

Think I'll get atop John Wayne and trot down this Path of mine a spell. Just for a spell - not too long, as I can feel the consequnces of our P.T.
Oh well, what can you do when you live in a shoe?

I wish all Relations, peace.

My Path and The Truths

This morning 06 July 2011, I woke up early and having my mentalistic core grounded, am refeshed. I am certain that today will be much different and my scrupulousness better centered. It is best for I not to dwell on the yesterday. The disquiet which dwells with-in my Spirit's, are things that I will endeavor to focus and place high priority. These are reasons I visit Sir Dude and Dr. N, and these are same reasons I work diligently and unafraid of what must be done or said in my day to day. I am Human Spirit! My passion for life is and has always been to be a successful Human Spirit! Work, Mind, Body and Health. To strive and work steadfastly. Life is so beautiful! And life is so very brief. Why lie?

There are times when I stutter. There have been times when I have remained silent rather than Speak Out, and the there have been many times when I have permitted my passion's rhetoric to over-extend - which leaves me in a somber state. I simply speak truth's. Somber or joyfully, I enlighten, it is no longer necessary for me to speak with lies or of lies. Why are so many in my world afraid of speaking truths? When I stutter, the truth is the truth and in the long-run the point will be made. There are times when my silence is all the truth that needs to be. The words left unsaid are often the most difficult. There are times when I speak truths, I may feel somber about the truths spoken. A good nights sleep is usually all that is required for me to get back on board John Wayne, and travel my Path...

...for them who disagree with my truths and I do speak of Kinfolk and Relations near and far, it is your bigoted self-importance, this is your problem. Not mine. If your life must be lived with lies, please do not come around here for sympathy or understanding. My tolerance for liar's is barely minimal. So please don't come around here looking for such.

This is all I've got to say.

As Life Has Been

First of all, please let me thank all for their call's, thought's, prayer's and concerns about the fall I had last Friday, 01 July 11. I thank you from my Spirit's to your Spirit's. I am so very blessed to have so many wonderful Kindred and Relations. My heart is full of warmth and graditude. Thank you.

My body is still sore and aches. The spot where I hit my head on the floor is the most problematic as new pain's shoot through the left side of my skull. At times, like lightening striking, suddenly and without notice. The pain in my neck has become complicated because there are times when my neck troubles me the same old way - while other times appear to have a different pain compounding the pain that has been there a mighty long time. My shoulders remain sore as do my hips and left knee really hurts. A new pain is one that I have in my lower right torso, between my hip and ribs. I'll keep a feel out for it. Have slept an awful lot since then, rather like post vertigo attack symptoms. Should it or anything else become worse I will make an appointment for a doctor visit. Made contact with my other doctors this morning.

My hearing has been twisted with the "too loud" to "the would you please repeat that?". My right ear listens to the rain and thunder as a storm pass's by. I also have some R. Carlos Nakai, offering some aid to combat the noises that have driven me mad in my right good bad ear. The nausea is an eight, I am sweating and have a bad case of dizziness.

The rains, lightening and thunder is felt in my heart, Great Spirit is an angry God today...

...the devil had a victory in Orlando, Florida today. If Ms. So-And-So-White-Lady, had been Latina, Black, Asian, Native American or of any other minority or nationality - the verdict we heard this afternoon would have been a totally different one. Ms. So-And-So-White-Lady, got away with one of the most heinous crimes a parent can commit upon their own flesh and blood...to plan and then to murder her only child, an Earth Angel. Then too, to dishonor the remains of her child, her baby, is well beyond my words of expression. There is nothing I can say or do to change this out come and why I have permitted this to trouble me so, is also something well beyond my mind set.

What I can say or share are these, my simple thought's about something else pertaining to Ms. So-And-So. She is whiter than white bread AND we live in the South Eastern United States of America. Where apparently being white is still "bonus". I have seen this type of story all my life! Hell, since a wee boy watching police dogs attacking Women and Men seeking Equal Right's as fellow American's. Women and Men, having dogs turned loose on them to do harm and injury. Hearing and watching what I saw and heard as a young Mixed Breed...listening to the word "Nigger" spoken on our television's nightly! Watched and listened to how White men got away with lynchings, rape and murder. Time and time again. Time after time. Not only here in Florida, but through-out the South Eastern United States of America...

...I remember listening to discriptions of Indians from "this" land. The horror and blood shed by our Red People, at the hands of our United States Army and FBI in the 1960's - as it was in the 1860's. As it is to this very damned day. Native Lands that continue to be manipulated by the White Man. Broken treaty after broken treaty after broken treaty. Native American's had to wait until the early 1970's to gain the Right to Vote, here in the United States of America. The lands of where our Grand Parent's were buried. Lands which did not belong to them "The Original Boat People". The First Nations.

Please, to the two or three who speak ill of me when I speak my words. Go ahead and talk your talk...just keep it away from me. It makes me sick to my stomach when Folks try to "teach" me about Race Relations and how much things have changed. White people this and white people that...

...you blind ignorant fools. Please, with a kind approach and my most utter respect, fuck off.


We are in the year 2011...

...month after month, year after year, I read, watch and listen to this shit. Today, I break my silence on a subject and offer my honest word on something often spoken of around here and amongst other Circles. That being, "when the new's is on televison or the radio and the reporter is about to report on a crime - "I" pray it isn't an Indian first, secondly a Latino and please not a Black person. Because I know, we know it's jail and then prison time for any of the before mentioned fellow human beings.

What more can I say. I've said enough. Maybe I've said too much. But WAIT, as a Mixed Breed individual living in these United States of America, I have the Right to Speak...

...Maybe I didn't say enough.

p.s. May tiny little Earth Angel Caylee, live on as one of God's Beautiful Angels...for Eternity.

A Frightful Fall

Had another fall yesterday early evening at 1810. I fell over the slightest contact with a piece of baby guard fence - totally lost all coordination and or balance...frightful is putting this lightly. I was horrified and laid for half an hour on kinfolk's arrival.

...there isn't cushion on a turkish tiled floor. Excluding my rump that is.

I hit my head and have a small knot near left temple

My left knee has a knot and both left knee and left ankle are swollen.

Both arms, shoulders and neck are hurting.

Both hips are bruised the left more so.

As is my ego and pride.

Thank you, to my wife and daughter's for coming home straight away for my aid, and thanks to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, for such a swift return call.

What more can I say but Thank You God, for catching me and not permitting any broken bones or a bloody mess.

Meniere's Disease Report, 01 July

I first of all will discuss my number one issue as of this very moment, my Left Deaf Ear has been ringing all day. Yes, it does come and go as it wishes but I am certain the ringing has been going on far more than not. This ringing in my ear is not like a Salvation Army Representative ringing his or her annoying ring-a-ding-ling bells during Christmas time. Not quite like an old fashioned telephone ring either. The ringing has been more like a Tibetan bell with it's long and sometimes extraordinary rinnnnnnnnnnnnnng.
Long loud ringing. Sometimes this ringing sounds as if it has a purpose or function...a Morris Code set to a musical note. I don't know. It is enough to help keep me from sleeping today. Which for me today is a good thing. I really want to make a point to fight the sleep.

NOTICE: I have had a dreadful pain deep within my left ear for x3 days. Have had simular pain in the past but not lasting for days. I feel the pain more as I massage the area. If not better by Monday will call He-Who-Touched-My-Brain on Tuesday. The pain is sure enough that it causes me pain not the discomfort.

My right-good-bad ear has been poor with the hearing piece today. I have Stevie Nicks, on right now singing "Silver Springs" and "Landslide", assisting me with trying to place a block on the noises that are being so obnoxiously loud in my right ear. Giant locust, three foot tall crickets and the roar of an occasional B-52 prepared for take off. In my backyard. Please? Really?!

I'm afraid of changing. Loss of Hearing brings with it, many changes. I am aware of my changes. With the right ear getting what appears to be worse and the noises I hear, the voices I don't want or need to hear, and not being able to hear the sounds and voices I wish to listen to are driving me crazy. My mind via my ears are slowly causing me to go mad. I'm sorry to say this but it is so very true. I swear I do my best to keep my mind occupied and I do stay busy when I am doing well and away from the Meniere's Attacks. I share and say this to you today, I do my best to get by. I really do.

Nausea is a six and I perspire. The dizziness is about a six too. It takes me double the time to tip-tap at these keys when I am like this. Yes, I have taken the medication. Just a few minutes ago. I type so many error's due to distraction or vision that it requires a re-read and take-a-peak a stop and go, I go and stop.

I have been awkward and off balance today. So bad, I had to postpone K-Lo's visit, our last, until next week on the sixth. I am the Human Bumper Car Dude today and K-Lo's visit would have been a waste of a great session.

The Worms are busy. Squirming about. Doing what, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little hint that they've woken up. Other times it's just up and away with the squirming.

My neck has been hurting something ugly. I did not call She Who Intemidates Me, today. I will make sure to call Tuesday should this pain continue or worsen.

These symptoms I have shared with you today are symptoms I live with on a daily basis. My Better Health Team and I are doing everything possible to get me stronger and healthier. I just don't know how it is that I've kept myself from hurting me. I am blessed, I know. Yes, I do I am blessed. For so many years I did and would harm myself badly. I remember them and look at the scars. Sometimes in some truly troubling ways thoughts and or memories flood my system. I don't want to really hurt myself. Sometimes some really unpleasent thoughts cross my mind. Could this be an escape? I don't know...

....I just know that I hurt from the inside out...from my very core. The Little Mario alive within my Spirit's has a sad heart. Like the sad and bad hearts of my youth that have remained alive locked up in some fold of my brain. It's true. They're always there just a memory away.

I miss you Old Kindred Spirit! I miss you Medicine Woman. I miss listening to your voices and I miss reading your words. I miss your love too.

I leave now. I have nothing else to say or share. Peace to all Relations.

Has This Ever Happened 2U2?

I recently discribed my home and my immediate community and even mentioned good neighbours and friends. A peaceful, comfortable, and safe community.

There's this one truly awkward scene that's played out again and again...

Just an hour or two ago, folks from a certain religion stopped by my home. For the first time ever I did not open the doors for them. At this moment I feel guilt and am uncomfortable because of what I did not do...

...what if the fellow in the nice suit was Jesus? What if the lady with the pretty dress on was Jesus?

The two did slide a Whatchtower flyer into my door. Today, for the first time in English.

Let me share and make this clear and with God's truth, since my family and I moved into our home, which has been some bit about six years or more, "everytime" we, which is usually I open the door to speak with our guests, we am refused communications or even a talk with them on my front porch...

...because, you hear, I/we do not speak fluent Spanish. The guests thank me/us, apologize and scoot to my neighbours home. They don't speak Spanish neither.

I asked one time very recently, to three guest at my front door, "Oh so, because I don't speak fluent Spanish, I'm not permitted to have company with The One God in your church". One man, out of the blue clear sky suddenly remembered he spoke English and was all aflutter...

Oh no, yacky-yack-yack! Oh, this and oh, that. Until I wished them a good day and closed my door's....

...and I just had a brain fart, I think I remembered not to feel too dang frustrated about this. The chances are, based on past occurances, I would have been given the same ole, "Oh so soddy, no speaka da Englisha"...

...and I don't speak Spanish.

BUT, I know who my God is! I know who Jesus is! I know who The Great Spirit is.

It's all about A ONE GOD, my dearest brothers and sisters!

Has this ever happened to you too?

The Shit That Dumbfounds Me

There's so much I want to say - so many things that I think of and live on a day to day. In my brains some rubbish just doesn't seem correct to me or even to matter really, but it does..

...I do admit I still permit too much of what of folks say or do - to hurt me or upset my emotions. I suppose I have been an easy one to hurt. Have I forgotten where I stored my boundaries?

Damn it though that that's me...easy.

It still dumbfounds me to hear and listen with my one-good-bad ear, how some Folks in my circle parade about in their glorified smugish ignorance. Moaning, groaning and bitching about elementary bullshit. Most of us in my circle are of The Working Class. I admit I am a part of the working class and have been such since before I became a tax paying citizen at the age of 12 years. So I listen and keep my mouth closed. Espeacialy words shared confidentialy. Then there are folk who want to find someone to take their shit out on. In words, in silence and or in action and let me share this, my God, taught me to listen to the silence a long time ago. I think as a child. When I do speak or take care of "my space", it becomes "I" who has a problem. I mean really, I do have issues. (I smile) I'm just not too sure on the problem piece as I tend to take care of problems or trouble straight away. This has been a life lesson for me. Take care of shit straight away because if not, the shit just lays there and I have to smell it all the longer. Probably one of the worst scents in the world is bull shit...

...one of the worst things to do is take your shit out on someone without even a notice. Especially Relations. Seems to cut the deepest when it comes from kinfolk or folks in my Circle. I know this as a fact.

Let me get this out here real quick - if you're a lazy piece of shit, you're a lazy piece of shit. Lazy is your problem not mine. Get your ass up and get a job. Oh, and so don't give me shit about the economy. If you want to work - there are jobs out there. If your word isn't worth a metric ton of bullshit - it's your problem. Please folks, just don't take your shit out on me with your fake face and fake talk. Your fake smile too. If you think your shit don't stink - lean a little bit closer...

I am cut off from the out-side world with the exceptions being doctor appointments or therapy with Sir Dude. I mish so much the public inter-action. The contact of family, friends, strangers, those who know my name...maybe a rare quick trip over to my Target, my favorite retail store. Or an occasional dash to the super market where shopping is a pleasure, my Publix. I can't jump in my car and drive 70 miles per hour on the highway going no where...I can't drive in my car to the corner store at 30 MPH. Would love to drive to Hyde Park and visit with my 91 year old Abuela Mary. Abuela is Grandmother in Spanish. I love my Abuela...

...I miss my job that was not "a job" at my Coffee House...so damned bad! Oh yeah, I worked my blump bottom off, but it so wasn't "a job". I so do miss the day to day that I had and lived until Meniere's Disease moved in...the loss of employment, the operations, the loss of hearing, the loss of balance on the left side and yes, I could go on and on and then on somemore, but won't. I've said enough...

...I'm easy...