Dearest Kindred Ones,
Kind Ones,
No, I have not yet gone to dentist. Nope, no dentist yet.
Yes, I know, I am a grown fellow who just happens to have a very loose tooth in my mouth. Loose like the loose teeth we would get as children, and I would get all sick and sissy shit like that. Once or twice, my Kid Tom Boy Sister Face, pulled one tooth, I may have pulled one or two and Maw got them others. I don't know, seemed like to me when Mom pulled the tooth out it always seemed to hurt more. Followed by the happiness of knowing I would soon be visited by my "Boy" Tooth Fairy. As a Boy, I really didn't think there would be any yucky girl tooth fairy any way. For that matter, I don't think I had ever considered other wise as a boy. And I had a Fairy God Father too! Who has always been One of my fondest mentors. Sashay, sashay that.
I very much dislike dentist visits.
I be damned if I don't really, really have one. A true loose tooth as a grown man and true to what was once a live and cheerful tooth, is now a doomed damned loose tooth. What is this?! When I pull my loose tooth out of my lower jaw, or rather when it falls out, I'm going to place it under my pillow and hope the Tooth Fairy drops me off a nice surprise. Or a lot of money. Or both.
But yes, and oh, this fear of a dentist is fucked up, it affects me and affects the visits, I have gone into shock twice in dentist office and this true fear is something that has come along later in my life. I'm recently fifty-four, in my younger years, before Anorexia and Bulimia, I had a brilliant cavity less set of mixed breed white teeth. The Bulimia literally destroyed my teeth, slowly and one by one. As a bonus, I developed this irrational fear of the dentist.
Any dentist, any clinic or group - all sound, smell and all result in same thing with every visit. More damned pain. And Sam, I just don't have time for that.
I'll be making it to my dentist within the next two weeks if not sooner. I hope. It is necessary I have a Patient Advocate with me. This dentist wants to do work with my teeth present day. These are words spoken by him through his Assistant. Thoough the clinic is near enough to walk, the working on my teeth will require an aid and has also require a release form for the my surgeon who operated the implant and placed metal plate in my skull. And this, and...
... hmmm, nope, no dentist yet.
Russia, my thoughts are with you! Russia, my prayers are with you!
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
This Happened To Me Today, A Stranger, A Strange Woman And The Business Of Raisng Her Voice At Me
Dearest Kin Folk and Kindred,
I really do wish to share this unfortunate crossing of paths that took place today. It has saddened me, but these has been a couple of lessons from the business of raising voices. It would do me no good to deny that I have been and have lived under several stressful scenarios, so much of the dreadful pain and so much so that no, I am not going to even make a list of them. I wish to share and connect about today. Just this afternoon, this a rather mean woman raised her voice at me, stating that I was rude, well, that's a matter of opinion - as she bellowed, 'you are rude', and I don't remember if there was a Sir., in there or not, but I reckon if for any matter or for anything at all, she was the rude one. This stranger to me, with a raised voice made it clear her opinion, not even knowing me. She did not know my voice may have been raised in conversations with my Home Advocate because I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing. She might have or could she had considered that in such loud environments the Meniere's Disease inside begins to stir, no. I was having a very tough time dealing with what was going on under my skin. Might she had imagined that I was having great and extreme anxiety nearing panic because my hearing suddenly dropped roughly 50% while sitting right there in this very loud doctors office. Would she had approached me differently? This same clinic quickly approaching standing room only. This large lady yelled at me in a public, huge comma, yet 'private' place. Like I was her husband or child kind of yell. I was in 'my' doctors office' waiting just like she. Many people's were witness, as I was humiliated. There was a fellow in front of me on his telephone who looked at me then looked at Ms. Lady, then back at me and asked me was she talking to him. At first, I hoped the Woman had lost her mind, because Honey, she worked my last damned nerve. Oh yes, she really did too. I tried to play nice in the sand box, and oh yes, yes, yes, I know that she did not know I was deaf or hard of hearing. She couldn't have seen my hearing aid, nor would she had seen my BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, implant site. But Ma'am, Miss. Lady assumed me too damned much a simple man. Or the sort of man who accepts this drama routine as normal. Seeing was believing and for shits sake, seeing only me there, as I may have been outside of my skin at that time. Was so fucking rude.
By God, Miss., Lady didn't even know me. I am usually a kind and respectful sort - when home or while out and about, I am a kind and respectful type when I am treated as such. And I believe this to be a one of my God Blessed Human Rights. If not a Human Right, this is in the Bible saying, Do On To Other's ...
... I tried to handle myself calm and collected, but the person with me, the one there to provide me bonus protection points from folks like She Lady, to be my advocate and truly be my protector from people talking down on Folks like me. The God Damned Gimps.Them who speak in a quite close to an abusive manner, because of the lady attitude was directed at me, because her voice was raised at me. I mean, it really was just like that.
Just like that.
And My Advocate agreed with this intrusive, louder-than-me, ignoramus of a lady who was irritated because the patients were not being seen quickly enough. Well, I am a patient too. Waiting there in the same space as she, and she knows that I know she knew this to be a routine situation with my clinic, every appointment in this very busy and popular Medical Group extends our visit that much longer. She breathing my air and hacking and coughing from the cigarettes that burn her fingers and her lips was gross and was not even attempting to absorb at least some of her Lady Germs. I mean to say. My Home Advocate decided to abandon me right quick like there. Yes, right there in public/private spot. Oh Fuck Yeah, I am a fucking big boy. So I handled it the best I could at that particular time. Quite honestly, if Ms. Lady, had crossed paths with me a few years ago she would have received an even better introduction to insulting a person in public/private, who she did not know. Sure. I know. This will pass on and along.
For me I speculate, it's all about the principle of the matter. I am Deaf and this afternoon at and around 1400 shit hit the fan in many a direction. She had no idea. Come tomorrow, communications with my Home advocate will take place. I have decided that I will not be calling her supervisor and neither will I file a complaint. I reckon she also learned a chunk of free education today. Like, big boys and big girls nag, fight and trouble one and another. Even still. I knew this in my gut, an old familiar sensation that rules and runs threw my entire being. My Spirit's and my Soul felt quite violated there in my clinic.
There was a third woman there, she who found humor with this live skit and had an awesome good laugh. A very true laugh out loud kind of laugh. Lord? I thought to self, really? I share this with you my dear guests, because all of this fucking big boy stuff just about had crumbled in public today. Honest it was like this. Just like this.
Yes, yes, yes, for Shits Sake, I'll keep the smiles on my face, much more than not. I eat my medicine and I try not to take shit too personal. But I mean, damn it, en'it? I do it. Do it.
Seen?
There's a bit of irony involved here with the above subject matter and afternoon. This date being 30 December 2013, Miss. Larger Than Life, went to front desk and asked to be permitted entry due to a rude patient ...
... very shortly there after, I too went to the clinics front desk and informed the young lady that the lady screamed at me in private/public and was rude to me. I informed the young lady then that I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing and quite upset. Fortunately, I was next scheduled patient to be seen by doctor. The Woman-Of-The-Day, was waiting in triage as I passed to go to my examination room, and then, she, Ms. Lady, came out of triage, as if to continue child's play. It was then I asked her if she knew I was deaf and hard of hearing. If I had not seen with mine, I would have sworn that her eye orbs proceeded to go back further into her face. I can't explain it, what happened in my heart at that moment, but I knew then that Mrs. Lady with the smoking habit regretted what happened. I felt it in me. All of this drama took place because of an opinion thing that I mentioned earlier. Perhaps a too quick to judgment call, by both the Mrs. Lady and My Home Advocate.
It was in privacy with my doctor that I was able to let loose what I felt in my heart and spirits. I really try not to take things personal, I really do, but damn, out loud in my doctors office. I sat there where I was melting from the Meniere's Disease sweat, The sudden loss of hearing, the pains in my body - there between the muscle and skeleton lives my chronic pain. In my scalp, the place between my skull and outer skin there is pain. Earlier this evening, I had several deep stabbing streaks on my left side, very near my implant. Lord, these were so bad they brought tears of a different sort from my eyes. I am certain I had a couple attacks since this afternoon, since right there about 1400. Come the morrow, things will be clearer between My Home Advocate, my deafness, and what took place today. My mind and being will be clearer. This is not what Advocates do for them they love and advocate for. I am deaf in one ear Kindred and hard of hearing in my right ear. My hearing sucks beyond my description and I do in fact attempt to speak with a normal tone of voice. It's just I would like to know what is freaking normal? Give me a damned break. How the shit that sounds? Look, my entire body from above my waist, my entire upper torso, hurts and pains me bad enough that I will medicate myself in a short while. Oh this pain hurts me so bad.
A great fortune of mine are the various members of my better health and emotional health teams who Advocate for me as their Patient and Fellow Human. I receive this form of total respect from complete strangers, and it is the shame I should be publicly humiliated in such an environment. My Blood Pressure shot up, my sugar too, I was offered a procedure, but I really needed to remove myself. I didn't want to see Miss. Her again. I was pleased with the way the medical staff handled the entire situation. Very kind and empathetic with what happened in the lobby. I want to believe that Ms. Lady received the same respect and empathetic care. Pardon.
I have recently figured there are perhaps hundreds of people who have direct and/or indirect influence on my medical matters. The matters of my life. I am humbled and am awed. Seen.
Thank you Miss. Lady, for crossing my path today.
... me ...
I really do wish to share this unfortunate crossing of paths that took place today. It has saddened me, but these has been a couple of lessons from the business of raising voices. It would do me no good to deny that I have been and have lived under several stressful scenarios, so much of the dreadful pain and so much so that no, I am not going to even make a list of them. I wish to share and connect about today. Just this afternoon, this a rather mean woman raised her voice at me, stating that I was rude, well, that's a matter of opinion - as she bellowed, 'you are rude', and I don't remember if there was a Sir., in there or not, but I reckon if for any matter or for anything at all, she was the rude one. This stranger to me, with a raised voice made it clear her opinion, not even knowing me. She did not know my voice may have been raised in conversations with my Home Advocate because I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing. She might have or could she had considered that in such loud environments the Meniere's Disease inside begins to stir, no. I was having a very tough time dealing with what was going on under my skin. Might she had imagined that I was having great and extreme anxiety nearing panic because my hearing suddenly dropped roughly 50% while sitting right there in this very loud doctors office. Would she had approached me differently? This same clinic quickly approaching standing room only. This large lady yelled at me in a public, huge comma, yet 'private' place. Like I was her husband or child kind of yell. I was in 'my' doctors office' waiting just like she. Many people's were witness, as I was humiliated. There was a fellow in front of me on his telephone who looked at me then looked at Ms. Lady, then back at me and asked me was she talking to him. At first, I hoped the Woman had lost her mind, because Honey, she worked my last damned nerve. Oh yes, she really did too. I tried to play nice in the sand box, and oh yes, yes, yes, I know that she did not know I was deaf or hard of hearing. She couldn't have seen my hearing aid, nor would she had seen my BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, implant site. But Ma'am, Miss. Lady assumed me too damned much a simple man. Or the sort of man who accepts this drama routine as normal. Seeing was believing and for shits sake, seeing only me there, as I may have been outside of my skin at that time. Was so fucking rude.
By God, Miss., Lady didn't even know me. I am usually a kind and respectful sort - when home or while out and about, I am a kind and respectful type when I am treated as such. And I believe this to be a one of my God Blessed Human Rights. If not a Human Right, this is in the Bible saying, Do On To Other's ...
... I tried to handle myself calm and collected, but the person with me, the one there to provide me bonus protection points from folks like She Lady, to be my advocate and truly be my protector from people talking down on Folks like me. The God Damned Gimps.Them who speak in a quite close to an abusive manner, because of the lady attitude was directed at me, because her voice was raised at me. I mean, it really was just like that.
Just like that.
And My Advocate agreed with this intrusive, louder-than-me, ignoramus of a lady who was irritated because the patients were not being seen quickly enough. Well, I am a patient too. Waiting there in the same space as she, and she knows that I know she knew this to be a routine situation with my clinic, every appointment in this very busy and popular Medical Group extends our visit that much longer. She breathing my air and hacking and coughing from the cigarettes that burn her fingers and her lips was gross and was not even attempting to absorb at least some of her Lady Germs. I mean to say. My Home Advocate decided to abandon me right quick like there. Yes, right there in public/private spot. Oh Fuck Yeah, I am a fucking big boy. So I handled it the best I could at that particular time. Quite honestly, if Ms. Lady, had crossed paths with me a few years ago she would have received an even better introduction to insulting a person in public/private, who she did not know. Sure. I know. This will pass on and along.
For me I speculate, it's all about the principle of the matter. I am Deaf and this afternoon at and around 1400 shit hit the fan in many a direction. She had no idea. Come tomorrow, communications with my Home advocate will take place. I have decided that I will not be calling her supervisor and neither will I file a complaint. I reckon she also learned a chunk of free education today. Like, big boys and big girls nag, fight and trouble one and another. Even still. I knew this in my gut, an old familiar sensation that rules and runs threw my entire being. My Spirit's and my Soul felt quite violated there in my clinic.
There was a third woman there, she who found humor with this live skit and had an awesome good laugh. A very true laugh out loud kind of laugh. Lord? I thought to self, really? I share this with you my dear guests, because all of this fucking big boy stuff just about had crumbled in public today. Honest it was like this. Just like this.
Yes, yes, yes, for Shits Sake, I'll keep the smiles on my face, much more than not. I eat my medicine and I try not to take shit too personal. But I mean, damn it, en'it? I do it. Do it.
Seen?
There's a bit of irony involved here with the above subject matter and afternoon. This date being 30 December 2013, Miss. Larger Than Life, went to front desk and asked to be permitted entry due to a rude patient ...
... very shortly there after, I too went to the clinics front desk and informed the young lady that the lady screamed at me in private/public and was rude to me. I informed the young lady then that I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing and quite upset. Fortunately, I was next scheduled patient to be seen by doctor. The Woman-Of-The-Day, was waiting in triage as I passed to go to my examination room, and then, she, Ms. Lady, came out of triage, as if to continue child's play. It was then I asked her if she knew I was deaf and hard of hearing. If I had not seen with mine, I would have sworn that her eye orbs proceeded to go back further into her face. I can't explain it, what happened in my heart at that moment, but I knew then that Mrs. Lady with the smoking habit regretted what happened. I felt it in me. All of this drama took place because of an opinion thing that I mentioned earlier. Perhaps a too quick to judgment call, by both the Mrs. Lady and My Home Advocate.
It was in privacy with my doctor that I was able to let loose what I felt in my heart and spirits. I really try not to take things personal, I really do, but damn, out loud in my doctors office. I sat there where I was melting from the Meniere's Disease sweat, The sudden loss of hearing, the pains in my body - there between the muscle and skeleton lives my chronic pain. In my scalp, the place between my skull and outer skin there is pain. Earlier this evening, I had several deep stabbing streaks on my left side, very near my implant. Lord, these were so bad they brought tears of a different sort from my eyes. I am certain I had a couple attacks since this afternoon, since right there about 1400. Come the morrow, things will be clearer between My Home Advocate, my deafness, and what took place today. My mind and being will be clearer. This is not what Advocates do for them they love and advocate for. I am deaf in one ear Kindred and hard of hearing in my right ear. My hearing sucks beyond my description and I do in fact attempt to speak with a normal tone of voice. It's just I would like to know what is freaking normal? Give me a damned break. How the shit that sounds? Look, my entire body from above my waist, my entire upper torso, hurts and pains me bad enough that I will medicate myself in a short while. Oh this pain hurts me so bad.
A great fortune of mine are the various members of my better health and emotional health teams who Advocate for me as their Patient and Fellow Human. I receive this form of total respect from complete strangers, and it is the shame I should be publicly humiliated in such an environment. My Blood Pressure shot up, my sugar too, I was offered a procedure, but I really needed to remove myself. I didn't want to see Miss. Her again. I was pleased with the way the medical staff handled the entire situation. Very kind and empathetic with what happened in the lobby. I want to believe that Ms. Lady received the same respect and empathetic care. Pardon.
I have recently figured there are perhaps hundreds of people who have direct and/or indirect influence on my medical matters. The matters of my life. I am humbled and am awed. Seen.
Thank you Miss. Lady, for crossing my path today.
... me ...
Sunday, December 29, 2013
The Removal Of Self
Relations,
Things in my life and on My Path, have seen that some matters, which involve family and some close friends have become unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, my kin Folk, and certain close relations.
The energy's of discontent, bitterness, sadness, jealousy, and a petty attempt at involving negative supposed medicine from out side of our family, has gone on far enough.
I have two of four dear sisters who have invisible diseases, some similar to mine - some not, but all involving the neurological aspects of our health. All chronic. All same blood. I cry for my sisters and their children, my nieces and nephews. Things change and things are changing straight before our eye orbs. I pray for my sisters and share my love in a mighty way. Oh my. They're all my baby sisters and I love them all with all my heart. I guess that's what a big brother's all about.
It has become necessary that I relinquish my relationships with certain members of my Circle. Our Family. Outsider's, them without our blood have created much unrest and strong bitterness. I have decided names are not needed and besides, that type of talking is a negative force in itself. What I am doing today, the 29th of December 2013, is removing myself from the influences of these familiar individuals. Removing myself from the negative energy and energies that come from these particular Folks, and the suctioning of energy and vibrations that come with them. Like leaches leaching from the swamp. Their fancy talk and false intellegence is meant to impress others like them, and use these techniques to manipulate others. Control others,
No more here.
I'm one to tend to let go of the little shits in life and move along with life, but the bigger, harsher, more negative, energy is dealt with on a different level. Prayer. Great Spirit, is aware of the hard work I have done in my recovery, that continues now with the many issues of health, Meniere's Disease, Asthma, Cervical spine issues and chronic pain stemming from neurological matters, and now, such matters as these that can make life so sad. The fighting I have done for myself, the tears that comes from such unhealthy situations in life, with my health and the rubbish of others has let me know I've seen enough...
... slowly over the past year or year and few months, I have worked on this removal of self and I reckon the time has come. When I am hurt by individuals, especially them in my circle, I forgive until, I just can't forgive any more. There's only so much bull shit one is expected to take in Life before something has to be said. And or done. Seen.
This is not something I have taken lightly. I have prayed, and contemplated hard on what I am having to do. My health is more important, as my teams mates would surely agree with. Whether professors, surgeons, specialist, nurses, or the MRI Techs, and all of my team mates, have something in common with me, we have this belief. My health comes first.
Things in my life and on My Path, have seen that some matters, which involve family and some close friends have become unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, my kin Folk, and certain close relations.
The energy's of discontent, bitterness, sadness, jealousy, and a petty attempt at involving negative supposed medicine from out side of our family, has gone on far enough.
I have two of four dear sisters who have invisible diseases, some similar to mine - some not, but all involving the neurological aspects of our health. All chronic. All same blood. I cry for my sisters and their children, my nieces and nephews. Things change and things are changing straight before our eye orbs. I pray for my sisters and share my love in a mighty way. Oh my. They're all my baby sisters and I love them all with all my heart. I guess that's what a big brother's all about.
It has become necessary that I relinquish my relationships with certain members of my Circle. Our Family. Outsider's, them without our blood have created much unrest and strong bitterness. I have decided names are not needed and besides, that type of talking is a negative force in itself. What I am doing today, the 29th of December 2013, is removing myself from the influences of these familiar individuals. Removing myself from the negative energy and energies that come from these particular Folks, and the suctioning of energy and vibrations that come with them. Like leaches leaching from the swamp. Their fancy talk and false intellegence is meant to impress others like them, and use these techniques to manipulate others. Control others,
No more here.
I'm one to tend to let go of the little shits in life and move along with life, but the bigger, harsher, more negative, energy is dealt with on a different level. Prayer. Great Spirit, is aware of the hard work I have done in my recovery, that continues now with the many issues of health, Meniere's Disease, Asthma, Cervical spine issues and chronic pain stemming from neurological matters, and now, such matters as these that can make life so sad. The fighting I have done for myself, the tears that comes from such unhealthy situations in life, with my health and the rubbish of others has let me know I've seen enough...
... slowly over the past year or year and few months, I have worked on this removal of self and I reckon the time has come. When I am hurt by individuals, especially them in my circle, I forgive until, I just can't forgive any more. There's only so much bull shit one is expected to take in Life before something has to be said. And or done. Seen.
This is not something I have taken lightly. I have prayed, and contemplated hard on what I am having to do. My health is more important, as my teams mates would surely agree with. Whether professors, surgeons, specialist, nurses, or the MRI Techs, and all of my team mates, have something in common with me, we have this belief. My health comes first.
Friday, December 27, 2013
What To Do, Sir.?
Yeah, I mean, what can I do?
When is it to be everyday -
there must be something to say?
Your faux intelligence, and
your lips and lies you share threw your faces.
All about all this and all that,
bull shit story's, bars, and imaginary places.
So easy to see, so much so,
the deaf and hard hearing can hear you.
Hey, I did, and I'm both and I know -
Mama asked you not to.
That's what I said and what I say. You and
your drunken ass, shown clearly the fool,
that you are very quite able to use and bend
to create walls to alienate Kin Folk from you.
You made it easy for me to remain quiet,
to remain silent, and watch as you sat there...
...and sat there with ants in your pants. You wondered
what was it I would say - what was it I was to do.
All lights on you good fellow. What to do, Sir.?
I'm uncomfortable with your negativity. With you.
You considered whether I was going to say shit,
you knew that you've said too much. Said too much
to me. Have you said enough to her?
Enough to me?
You keep playing the fool and we'll
see whose the most foolish here.
Sir., I assure you I will be asking
you to kiss my ass and then off to hell.
When is it to be everyday -
there must be something to say?
Your faux intelligence, and
your lips and lies you share threw your faces.
All about all this and all that,
bull shit story's, bars, and imaginary places.
So easy to see, so much so,
the deaf and hard hearing can hear you.
Hey, I did, and I'm both and I know -
Mama asked you not to.
That's what I said and what I say. You and
your drunken ass, shown clearly the fool,
that you are very quite able to use and bend
to create walls to alienate Kin Folk from you.
You made it easy for me to remain quiet,
to remain silent, and watch as you sat there...
...and sat there with ants in your pants. You wondered
what was it I would say - what was it I was to do.
All lights on you good fellow. What to do, Sir.?
I'm uncomfortable with your negativity. With you.
You considered whether I was going to say shit,
you knew that you've said too much. Said too much
to me. Have you said enough to her?
Enough to me?
You keep playing the fool and we'll
see whose the most foolish here.
Sir., I assure you I will be asking
you to kiss my ass and then off to hell.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Let Me Say This, And Report The Lab Number's
Folks,
Please, if I may, I would love to say that we are here today, long over due here in the America's of our Home Land, to have the citizenry situated with the options to alternative health care. I am witnessing our U.S. citizens reacting to gibberish spoken out the butt holes of old white raisins, or the 'up and coming' rookie politicos who bust face and eat Crow because of speaking words through their ass holes.
There is something I wish to share with you, my guests, readers, and Kindred Ones. No, I really do not believe that I have withheld anything from Kinship and Kindred Ones, but this is a subject, that for whatever reasons on Mother Earth, that and I really just needed time to wrap some lab results around my brains - both halves and praise Great Spirit. I have considered and have let the stories passed down from one generation to the next, flow with a certainty now - no more damned doubt.
I have often said this, "it's in the blood", to Kinfolks and Kind Ones, who have had cosmic relationship with me. Dude's, I say this from my inner most spirit's and being. It is not something I say to just any body, but now that I see things clearly, it is clear that it is time to speak up and out. I am learning that once I have let go, Great Spirit, God, has been here and there with me to take the controls. Thank You Father.
The lab results are that I am 17% African. We, my family have always known of our mixed blood by stories and some family photographs, but yes, I mean to share that there are photographs of our Black African Kin Folk right here in Tampa. Well, now we know.
And I be damned, all my life I have been teased, abused, beat, fought, been spit at - spit on, called nigger - and worse by family and stranger, I have been ignored, I have been profiled in my life too many damned times, by police officials, mall security, store security, and so on. Had that shit going on up until just before all the operations. All of that shit based on assumptions! But yes, my good friends and family, I am a 17%'er! What?!
And I mean, dear ones, Black from Africa! My Good God, what news is this? Somehow, someway, so many of us knew and did what we had to do to get by! Hey! The U.S. Census is WRONG! Laugh my true mixed Black ass off!! We shall continue to chip away at our family history. How crazy interesting to have the stories confirmed!
I will continue to strive to be a healthier person and a more fun me. I will enjoy listening to music, listening to voices and birds before all is received via computer implanted to my skull. I ain't got time for that. But I do have time for and I am so interested to see mathematically how the remaining "races", "ethnic mix" break down. "Gets On Down"! Lawdy Miss. Clawdy! Imagine?!
Must go. There is nothing else to say. A real live 17%'er!!
Please, if I may, I would love to say that we are here today, long over due here in the America's of our Home Land, to have the citizenry situated with the options to alternative health care. I am witnessing our U.S. citizens reacting to gibberish spoken out the butt holes of old white raisins, or the 'up and coming' rookie politicos who bust face and eat Crow because of speaking words through their ass holes.
There is something I wish to share with you, my guests, readers, and Kindred Ones. No, I really do not believe that I have withheld anything from Kinship and Kindred Ones, but this is a subject, that for whatever reasons on Mother Earth, that and I really just needed time to wrap some lab results around my brains - both halves and praise Great Spirit. I have considered and have let the stories passed down from one generation to the next, flow with a certainty now - no more damned doubt.
I have often said this, "it's in the blood", to Kinfolks and Kind Ones, who have had cosmic relationship with me. Dude's, I say this from my inner most spirit's and being. It is not something I say to just any body, but now that I see things clearly, it is clear that it is time to speak up and out. I am learning that once I have let go, Great Spirit, God, has been here and there with me to take the controls. Thank You Father.
The lab results are that I am 17% African. We, my family have always known of our mixed blood by stories and some family photographs, but yes, I mean to share that there are photographs of our Black African Kin Folk right here in Tampa. Well, now we know.
And I be damned, all my life I have been teased, abused, beat, fought, been spit at - spit on, called nigger - and worse by family and stranger, I have been ignored, I have been profiled in my life too many damned times, by police officials, mall security, store security, and so on. Had that shit going on up until just before all the operations. All of that shit based on assumptions! But yes, my good friends and family, I am a 17%'er! What?!
And I mean, dear ones, Black from Africa! My Good God, what news is this? Somehow, someway, so many of us knew and did what we had to do to get by! Hey! The U.S. Census is WRONG! Laugh my true mixed Black ass off!! We shall continue to chip away at our family history. How crazy interesting to have the stories confirmed!
I will continue to strive to be a healthier person and a more fun me. I will enjoy listening to music, listening to voices and birds before all is received via computer implanted to my skull. I ain't got time for that. But I do have time for and I am so interested to see mathematically how the remaining "races", "ethnic mix" break down. "Gets On Down"! Lawdy Miss. Clawdy! Imagine?!
Must go. There is nothing else to say. A real live 17%'er!!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
A Talk About Meniere's Disease, Pain, And My Sweet Daughter's, Loss Of Hearing
Kind One's,
I am here this evening having pains in my inner most right ear at this very moment - a constant bruise like sensation. I have had no popping in this ear this evening, though my left deaf ear is picking up some serious damned beeping. That bruising seems to have settled in here too. I was able to speak with He-Who-Touched-My-Brains, assistant this afternoon. I suspect there will be a telephone call in the morrow asking for me to come in for a visit. I am in agreement with such an idea, 100% for a face to face. I was politely reprimenned for failing to report an infect that had developed at the site of implant. Botswana and I have become experts at applieing and dressing these wounds, but I suspect that this will be discussed. I am continuing with gagging and choking from nausea and or vomit today. The taste of the food you just ate does not have a damned jolly sensation about returning and having bits back in my mouth, I mean, what the hell?
Continuing on then with Meniere's related symptoms then, I am able to say that I did not let sleep succeed in having me remain in bed sleeping and in slumber another day today. There has been a gladness about this my entire day - I was stirred from sleep that needed to be interrupted, I mean, for shits sake, how does one have an argument with a parent who has crossed over? I didn't want that, and look, it's clear here.
I am walking in the skin of what feels like a thinner me, but I am not yet a rooted here with this thinning processes, mostly because I have not lost enough weight - in my thick headed skull. Seen? It is with great hope that with the loss of another thirty or forty pounds, I will be in a greater and healthier state of being,much healthier and really, this is where I want to be. My Kindred, my bones feel as if I have an opportunity to feel my very skeleton and bone structure, first damned handed. It is a wild concept between these ears and innards, even with these body parts that are a necessity to live and function, and truly seem to be rebelling against me and the so damned many medications I am involved with. My sweet dear body parts of mine try to hide, when and what new is introduced to our routine. I am feeling and I do right by trying to share without getting so damned involved with my own damned drama. Dig.
This reminds me and takes me back to a time when I was working for one of the worlds finest big box concept retail computer center. With televisions, telephones, appliances and God only remember's what we would sell there at that beautiful big blue box store. I can know say that I truly regret leaving my South Tampa store to go to the Clearwater store, but WOW! What wonderful folks I had an opportunity to learn to love and work with there. I had what I would consider life changing experiances, made life long friends, and still love so many of them. It fells good to know that I can say this now...
... Boss Fellas, can you dig it? That your "Drama Queen", is damned pissed off because of a disease or few that prevent me from doing too much of anything, but then, you probably remember that after your Drama Queen blew off some steam, the ship seemed to settle just a bit didn't it? Oh for fucks sake! You, my very fellow human beings are still my friends, I love you all to Deaf, and I think that this is crazy love here! Yeah, yeah! I am pretty much stuck here in the crib, but get out and about when I can. I enjoy reading about the trips you all take and boating you enjoy and now, over the years watching how your "children" are growing like weeds! I can't stop!! And you know damned good and well folks, you can't mess with the white mans money. You all remember that? Or really, in this case, the Mixed Blooded One's money. True? Ha! Yes!
I am having to share there is a continuing pain and spasms in my right ear.
I am happy to have Macy Gray back in my life and here sitting next to me singing my songs into my one ear hole to the brain. I can remember listening as a two ear and always enjoyed my Macys music as a one eared one too. My Good God, I love her voice, I love her style, and I love her music! I seem to remember two or so years ago, some dumb stuff happened with the i-pod and I-tunes. I had at the time, I freaking freaked out and deleted damned near sixty percent of a collection of music that became cloak like for me, even as my i-tunes continues to be such, rather like my Pintrest, it becomes a part of who I am and I enjoy the genre's I decide to listen to anyways, I too am open to listen to new tunes and music. I enjoy Facebook alot, and I believe it to be a blast - but shit, if one is able is to steer away from the holy rollers, those energy zappers and negativity life forms. It is the Best.
Ya-Hey! My daughters, I say, hey-ya! I miss you Lady Kid's! To My Honorable Number One Daughter, Nik, who lives in a land far and further away and my dear sweet Honorable Daughter Number Two, who lives in a land near the river - you both are so very and dearly missed by your Pa. Your Paw. You all's, Dad or Daddy. There's no damned pop shit around here. I mean WTF? Here? You know that shit for real, is pure Yankee talk and I am okay with them Yankees keeping their verbiage right up there in Boston, New York, Vermont, etc., etc., and one more etc. Yes, but anyhow, your Fahadjha, misses you both like Mother Earth misses the rain, how the tides need the Moon, this Father, is a parent who has always excelled as a Dad when my baby's were/are near by. Stop.
Yep, just like that, and I am okay. Sleeping too much Nikoffski, is what I have done. My body aches and at times I get frustrated with myself. I fall and fell again today. Some of this stuff your paw is dealing with requires some deep ass medicine. I get like this and like that. I do what I do to get by. Seen. Oh snap!
I HAVE JUST LOST SOUND IN MY RIGHT EAR. Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, hey, hey ...
I am well. I am not okay. That was so scarey, for shits sake. I know, you see? Life is meant to live one day at a time, that's what I'll do.
I am here this evening having pains in my inner most right ear at this very moment - a constant bruise like sensation. I have had no popping in this ear this evening, though my left deaf ear is picking up some serious damned beeping. That bruising seems to have settled in here too. I was able to speak with He-Who-Touched-My-Brains, assistant this afternoon. I suspect there will be a telephone call in the morrow asking for me to come in for a visit. I am in agreement with such an idea, 100% for a face to face. I was politely reprimenned for failing to report an infect that had developed at the site of implant. Botswana and I have become experts at applieing and dressing these wounds, but I suspect that this will be discussed. I am continuing with gagging and choking from nausea and or vomit today. The taste of the food you just ate does not have a damned jolly sensation about returning and having bits back in my mouth, I mean, what the hell?
Continuing on then with Meniere's related symptoms then, I am able to say that I did not let sleep succeed in having me remain in bed sleeping and in slumber another day today. There has been a gladness about this my entire day - I was stirred from sleep that needed to be interrupted, I mean, for shits sake, how does one have an argument with a parent who has crossed over? I didn't want that, and look, it's clear here.
I am walking in the skin of what feels like a thinner me, but I am not yet a rooted here with this thinning processes, mostly because I have not lost enough weight - in my thick headed skull. Seen? It is with great hope that with the loss of another thirty or forty pounds, I will be in a greater and healthier state of being,much healthier and really, this is where I want to be. My Kindred, my bones feel as if I have an opportunity to feel my very skeleton and bone structure, first damned handed. It is a wild concept between these ears and innards, even with these body parts that are a necessity to live and function, and truly seem to be rebelling against me and the so damned many medications I am involved with. My sweet dear body parts of mine try to hide, when and what new is introduced to our routine. I am feeling and I do right by trying to share without getting so damned involved with my own damned drama. Dig.
This reminds me and takes me back to a time when I was working for one of the worlds finest big box concept retail computer center. With televisions, telephones, appliances and God only remember's what we would sell there at that beautiful big blue box store. I can know say that I truly regret leaving my South Tampa store to go to the Clearwater store, but WOW! What wonderful folks I had an opportunity to learn to love and work with there. I had what I would consider life changing experiances, made life long friends, and still love so many of them. It fells good to know that I can say this now...
... Boss Fellas, can you dig it? That your "Drama Queen", is damned pissed off because of a disease or few that prevent me from doing too much of anything, but then, you probably remember that after your Drama Queen blew off some steam, the ship seemed to settle just a bit didn't it? Oh for fucks sake! You, my very fellow human beings are still my friends, I love you all to Deaf, and I think that this is crazy love here! Yeah, yeah! I am pretty much stuck here in the crib, but get out and about when I can. I enjoy reading about the trips you all take and boating you enjoy and now, over the years watching how your "children" are growing like weeds! I can't stop!! And you know damned good and well folks, you can't mess with the white mans money. You all remember that? Or really, in this case, the Mixed Blooded One's money. True? Ha! Yes!
I am having to share there is a continuing pain and spasms in my right ear.
I am happy to have Macy Gray back in my life and here sitting next to me singing my songs into my one ear hole to the brain. I can remember listening as a two ear and always enjoyed my Macys music as a one eared one too. My Good God, I love her voice, I love her style, and I love her music! I seem to remember two or so years ago, some dumb stuff happened with the i-pod and I-tunes. I had at the time, I freaking freaked out and deleted damned near sixty percent of a collection of music that became cloak like for me, even as my i-tunes continues to be such, rather like my Pintrest, it becomes a part of who I am and I enjoy the genre's I decide to listen to anyways, I too am open to listen to new tunes and music. I enjoy Facebook alot, and I believe it to be a blast - but shit, if one is able is to steer away from the holy rollers, those energy zappers and negativity life forms. It is the Best.
Ya-Hey! My daughters, I say, hey-ya! I miss you Lady Kid's! To My Honorable Number One Daughter, Nik, who lives in a land far and further away and my dear sweet Honorable Daughter Number Two, who lives in a land near the river - you both are so very and dearly missed by your Pa. Your Paw. You all's, Dad or Daddy. There's no damned pop shit around here. I mean WTF? Here? You know that shit for real, is pure Yankee talk and I am okay with them Yankees keeping their verbiage right up there in Boston, New York, Vermont, etc., etc., and one more etc. Yes, but anyhow, your Fahadjha, misses you both like Mother Earth misses the rain, how the tides need the Moon, this Father, is a parent who has always excelled as a Dad when my baby's were/are near by. Stop.
Yep, just like that, and I am okay. Sleeping too much Nikoffski, is what I have done. My body aches and at times I get frustrated with myself. I fall and fell again today. Some of this stuff your paw is dealing with requires some deep ass medicine. I get like this and like that. I do what I do to get by. Seen. Oh snap!
I HAVE JUST LOST SOUND IN MY RIGHT EAR. Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, hey, hey ...
I am well. I am not okay. That was so scarey, for shits sake. I know, you see? Life is meant to live one day at a time, that's what I'll do.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Meniere's Disease And Damned Pain
Hello Kindred,
Let me share, many changes continue and have compounded changes around here and around and about me and my boundaries and force fields of protection. This is a snap shot of where I am today, at this time, with nothing more to do, but accept it. Accept this all. True.
I'm feeling disoriented, dizzy and uncoordinated. It has been like this since I woke from slumber at 1645. My therapist Sir Dude, called about the morrow and I had totally forgot to call the my good right therapist - I had totally forgot that it was scheduled. So, I guess I did forget, but I had forgotten to forget because of this Meniere's and sleep and all of this and that, my mind not on a schedule or appointments of any type. I have been in a bad place since the swift and deliberate Meniere's attack of just a couple or so days ago. I have done nothing but sleep for most of this week, thus far, I have slept +20 hours in the past day, 38 or so in past two days. If I stopped to count, I would consider too much of this a waste of time.There's a new doctor who wants inside my life and mind. I don't know about this. I do know I can't let this mess with me, mess with me to suffer and make rubbish from the symptoms within my being.
Today, I retreated, and at this moment, I have a better idea of what letting go feels like. It feels real.
There is no more time to waste or let the "who's and what not's" control my life. In or out of this skin I live in. This disease Meniere's, has a way of being, and does any thing it wishes, a living curse is how one would or could might say this. So I fight this. And fight this I will. What silly ways some folks have.
I have vomitted and have done so into my mouth in the day and the wee hours of night. My right ear has been painfully plopping and popping. It feels like and seems as if the inside of my right ear here is bruised. I can feel it at this moment. There are sounds from another place here and are heard and listened to hear here. The sounds from with-in my Deaf left ear have been at times chaotic sounds of a submarine searching radar blaring in my left ear - having done so three times tonight. So fucking loud. There is a build up of fluid within my right ear too. My hearing has worsened.
I take note that there has been a break down in communications at the clinic of He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. It's not cool when members of my Better Health Team fail to return my telephone calls. Might be good connection in the morrow afternoon though. Yes. I think I like that. I have patient issues - and all of my clinics know I have patience, but child please. Don't do me like that. Another break down in communication has taken place with another member, a new member. I called at 2200 to leave a message. There is one call from one clinic one week past, this is horribly unacceptable in any ones business. For shits sake, I find this so with me and mine anyways, I'll take care of this tomorrow..
The pains from the cervical spine and the neurological madness due to some surgeries is driving me absolutely crazy! I will explain as I feel pain at this moment. My neck has pain from my skin straight through the muscles and veins and arteries and all-of-that - to the bones of my neck bones. There is a pain in my skulls bone structure too. Not inside the globe, nor the flesh of my scalp, but the matter with in my skull is pained. I know it because I feel this fucking pain. And for fucks sake yes! I have taken my medications - all of them! My shoulders to the ball in my arm/shoulder pain from within. The pains on and in my right neck and shoulder are particularly harsh. Oh yes, the pains in my shoulders extend in bone down my arms, passed my elbows to my lower arms and hands and the places between my knuckles.
My tooth remains loose in my lower right jaw. Honey, I'm a dude, and I must make it through at least the Christmas meal. Inshallah.
Time's out.
Let me share, many changes continue and have compounded changes around here and around and about me and my boundaries and force fields of protection. This is a snap shot of where I am today, at this time, with nothing more to do, but accept it. Accept this all. True.
I'm feeling disoriented, dizzy and uncoordinated. It has been like this since I woke from slumber at 1645. My therapist Sir Dude, called about the morrow and I had totally forgot to call the my good right therapist - I had totally forgot that it was scheduled. So, I guess I did forget, but I had forgotten to forget because of this Meniere's and sleep and all of this and that, my mind not on a schedule or appointments of any type. I have been in a bad place since the swift and deliberate Meniere's attack of just a couple or so days ago. I have done nothing but sleep for most of this week, thus far, I have slept +20 hours in the past day, 38 or so in past two days. If I stopped to count, I would consider too much of this a waste of time.There's a new doctor who wants inside my life and mind. I don't know about this. I do know I can't let this mess with me, mess with me to suffer and make rubbish from the symptoms within my being.
Today, I retreated, and at this moment, I have a better idea of what letting go feels like. It feels real.
There is no more time to waste or let the "who's and what not's" control my life. In or out of this skin I live in. This disease Meniere's, has a way of being, and does any thing it wishes, a living curse is how one would or could might say this. So I fight this. And fight this I will. What silly ways some folks have.
I have vomitted and have done so into my mouth in the day and the wee hours of night. My right ear has been painfully plopping and popping. It feels like and seems as if the inside of my right ear here is bruised. I can feel it at this moment. There are sounds from another place here and are heard and listened to hear here. The sounds from with-in my Deaf left ear have been at times chaotic sounds of a submarine searching radar blaring in my left ear - having done so three times tonight. So fucking loud. There is a build up of fluid within my right ear too. My hearing has worsened.
I take note that there has been a break down in communications at the clinic of He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. It's not cool when members of my Better Health Team fail to return my telephone calls. Might be good connection in the morrow afternoon though. Yes. I think I like that. I have patient issues - and all of my clinics know I have patience, but child please. Don't do me like that. Another break down in communication has taken place with another member, a new member. I called at 2200 to leave a message. There is one call from one clinic one week past, this is horribly unacceptable in any ones business. For shits sake, I find this so with me and mine anyways, I'll take care of this tomorrow..
The pains from the cervical spine and the neurological madness due to some surgeries is driving me absolutely crazy! I will explain as I feel pain at this moment. My neck has pain from my skin straight through the muscles and veins and arteries and all-of-that - to the bones of my neck bones. There is a pain in my skulls bone structure too. Not inside the globe, nor the flesh of my scalp, but the matter with in my skull is pained. I know it because I feel this fucking pain. And for fucks sake yes! I have taken my medications - all of them! My shoulders to the ball in my arm/shoulder pain from within. The pains on and in my right neck and shoulder are particularly harsh. Oh yes, the pains in my shoulders extend in bone down my arms, passed my elbows to my lower arms and hands and the places between my knuckles.
My tooth remains loose in my lower right jaw. Honey, I'm a dude, and I must make it through at least the Christmas meal. Inshallah.
Time's out.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Forced Awake By Biting Down On A Loose Tooth In The Middle Of The Night Kind Of Damned Pains!
Good Morning Dearest Reader.
Tonight, which is actually the wee hours of this morning 17 December 13, I was tucked and off in a deep sleep. I was in bed happily and unusually early, you see? Unusual standards established by my Meniere's Disease induced sleeping patterns, I have no control over and the ill side affects that accompanies this invisible disease that operates on MDT, Meniere's Disease Time. Minutes ago I was in one of those so sweet and comfortable places being so sweetly tucked into my safe place by layers of warmth and comfort. I was half dressed because I am one of those damned silly, hippy, mixed breeds who enjoys the romanticism's of a cold night or few in my safe place with my sweet Bride at my side and my hound Ting-Ting at my feet. Tonight, I have been especially exhausted, so very affected by exhaustion's of this of morning and afternoon's stepping out for a bit of shopping, mailing off, racing here and there to get things done. Remained in my safe compartment which is in the midst of my brain's chambers, and I engage force fields. Spiritual One's, I say these projections of energies from others, very rude others from the public, as I have shared recently from some in my Circles of Life and from others in my Medical, Emotional, and closer Circle's. There's emotional stuff I have kept hidde. Now having to be a different Man, even if to assert and report from me, that I am in a place of many troubled fucking pains. These filthy pains and physical aspects stomping my ass, are statistically troubling and not unfamailiar Pain.. Daily. Sir., Ma'am, not maybe. But. I said everyday.
Now then. My Kin Dred, it is my duty to put a smiley face on my face, to wear my sweet smile and keep my chin up and be happy and chipper en'it? Even when my body in fucking cussing and screaming at me - by the pain and strains that my body rages about. There was a point today when I wanted to cuss aloud! I wanted to scream! So too many other changes going on in my life! I am me, I am this mixed blood! Oh, that's the way you say so, well, hell hello. Yet I couldn't holler or scream at te top of my lungs. I was in the midst of a Super Wally World. Christmas shopping with my bride...
...them Wally World People would have had ten cops on my six foot two, 248 pound hairy, nag champa scented, bead wearing fucking customer profiled. "Dude's! He's got a back pack. Repeat. He has a back pack." "Yeah Boss, I saw this motherfucka up here last week". "Have you seen the box he has attached to the side of his head? Did you copy?" - "Yes. Listen, this dude is stumbling and knocking onto stuff"...
...seen? Yes. This happens. Happened today, as I was at this huge box store and was melting and getting to a bad place. They had security tag my walk. I mean, didn't anybody notice I am a bit ill? Please?
Tonight. I sit here tip-tapping because I am in intense and shocking state pain are from three different theaters of my body...
... first off. I was awakened by a shooting shock of pain originating from the right side of my face. While asleep, while dreaming I suspect, I bit down on and pushed onto a very loose tooth further into my right jaw. Friends, talk about a shocking horror! Shitting thing woke me like a damned nightmare. This stems and is the business of a loose tooth that I have let go. I be as a child. Oh, how I have tried to pull this damned tooth from my aching skull. For shits sake, there's something there fighting to stay. So, I'm going to leave this damned thing alone and will be seeing my new dentist this week. Sooner the better. God, Please, I'm holding on, dentist won't touch me without consent from my Neurological Professor and He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Task-task-task. Shit. All of this prolongs the inevitable. I do not enjoy visiting dentist. My bad.
Morbidly, I say, the pains in my skull, neck, and shoulders is the stuff of un-imagined inner self torture. There have been way too many times, when I have worn and hurt my thumbs and fingers trying to penetrate my muscles to fucking massage from the inside out. These inner-ear muscle spasms. The facial spams. My damned back. My God!
Where's my My Super Hero?
Thank you all and all of you for being here with me a spell. Please Kindred, let me share, I believe I have pre-aged a bit, or have had an escalation of my ageing processes. Yes, my heart does this hollow thumpy-thump when I think of this ageing process called life. So sweetly subtle life brings us, then swings us along.
Sounds like my body's song and dance with loss of weight, is a place I an living with currently. A place I am so familiar with. But, I hush and move along. Keeping a forward motion. Eh? Oh no, nothing turning me or us back now. Folk's, I'm really just to young for some of these stresses. OMG! Oh, but yes, as a result of these series of Botox, all in and on my face, my neck and shoulders, and scalp - I speculate that things are beginning to balance and change on the left of my face! Yes, changes brought on by such a wonderfully bold Professor with The University Of South Florida at Tampa General Hospital. She-With-Many-Names, is aware of what changes, what torture and daily life altering pain from neurological that I have lived, and am living. I must somehow realize I am still 'too young', and have more life to live. I am knowing we have only just begun certain processes, but say, say. I want a life and I know what to say. I see. Seen. I see a different face, as I look back in the mirror from time to time. Yes, I see what working hard in life has done to a beautiful face, I see the results of nuerological issues brought on by surgeries. I see with myself and team of doctors, awesome changes that are not too far away. I see some of them now! I see changes in my life happening now! Let me stop now. Um. Well then, yes, I have taken my medicine and shall shortly return to my corner of Mother Earth. I wish all Kindred peace. Seen.
Merry Christmas everybody! Ohhhhhh, this time of year is a fucked up time of year for me too!! Ew shit!
Look! Being 54, having a damned loose tooth and living in cinstant pain is driving me crazy right now! Good night then.
Tonight, which is actually the wee hours of this morning 17 December 13, I was tucked and off in a deep sleep. I was in bed happily and unusually early, you see? Unusual standards established by my Meniere's Disease induced sleeping patterns, I have no control over and the ill side affects that accompanies this invisible disease that operates on MDT, Meniere's Disease Time. Minutes ago I was in one of those so sweet and comfortable places being so sweetly tucked into my safe place by layers of warmth and comfort. I was half dressed because I am one of those damned silly, hippy, mixed breeds who enjoys the romanticism's of a cold night or few in my safe place with my sweet Bride at my side and my hound Ting-Ting at my feet. Tonight, I have been especially exhausted, so very affected by exhaustion's of this of morning and afternoon's stepping out for a bit of shopping, mailing off, racing here and there to get things done. Remained in my safe compartment which is in the midst of my brain's chambers, and I engage force fields. Spiritual One's, I say these projections of energies from others, very rude others from the public, as I have shared recently from some in my Circles of Life and from others in my Medical, Emotional, and closer Circle's. There's emotional stuff I have kept hidde. Now having to be a different Man, even if to assert and report from me, that I am in a place of many troubled fucking pains. These filthy pains and physical aspects stomping my ass, are statistically troubling and not unfamailiar Pain.. Daily. Sir., Ma'am, not maybe. But. I said everyday.
Now then. My Kin Dred, it is my duty to put a smiley face on my face, to wear my sweet smile and keep my chin up and be happy and chipper en'it? Even when my body in fucking cussing and screaming at me - by the pain and strains that my body rages about. There was a point today when I wanted to cuss aloud! I wanted to scream! So too many other changes going on in my life! I am me, I am this mixed blood! Oh, that's the way you say so, well, hell hello. Yet I couldn't holler or scream at te top of my lungs. I was in the midst of a Super Wally World. Christmas shopping with my bride...
...them Wally World People would have had ten cops on my six foot two, 248 pound hairy, nag champa scented, bead wearing fucking customer profiled. "Dude's! He's got a back pack. Repeat. He has a back pack." "Yeah Boss, I saw this motherfucka up here last week". "Have you seen the box he has attached to the side of his head? Did you copy?" - "Yes. Listen, this dude is stumbling and knocking onto stuff"...
...seen? Yes. This happens. Happened today, as I was at this huge box store and was melting and getting to a bad place. They had security tag my walk. I mean, didn't anybody notice I am a bit ill? Please?
Tonight. I sit here tip-tapping because I am in intense and shocking state pain are from three different theaters of my body...
... first off. I was awakened by a shooting shock of pain originating from the right side of my face. While asleep, while dreaming I suspect, I bit down on and pushed onto a very loose tooth further into my right jaw. Friends, talk about a shocking horror! Shitting thing woke me like a damned nightmare. This stems and is the business of a loose tooth that I have let go. I be as a child. Oh, how I have tried to pull this damned tooth from my aching skull. For shits sake, there's something there fighting to stay. So, I'm going to leave this damned thing alone and will be seeing my new dentist this week. Sooner the better. God, Please, I'm holding on, dentist won't touch me without consent from my Neurological Professor and He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Task-task-task. Shit. All of this prolongs the inevitable. I do not enjoy visiting dentist. My bad.
Morbidly, I say, the pains in my skull, neck, and shoulders is the stuff of un-imagined inner self torture. There have been way too many times, when I have worn and hurt my thumbs and fingers trying to penetrate my muscles to fucking massage from the inside out. These inner-ear muscle spasms. The facial spams. My damned back. My God!
Where's my My Super Hero?
Thank you all and all of you for being here with me a spell. Please Kindred, let me share, I believe I have pre-aged a bit, or have had an escalation of my ageing processes. Yes, my heart does this hollow thumpy-thump when I think of this ageing process called life. So sweetly subtle life brings us, then swings us along.
Sounds like my body's song and dance with loss of weight, is a place I an living with currently. A place I am so familiar with. But, I hush and move along. Keeping a forward motion. Eh? Oh no, nothing turning me or us back now. Folk's, I'm really just to young for some of these stresses. OMG! Oh, but yes, as a result of these series of Botox, all in and on my face, my neck and shoulders, and scalp - I speculate that things are beginning to balance and change on the left of my face! Yes, changes brought on by such a wonderfully bold Professor with The University Of South Florida at Tampa General Hospital. She-With-Many-Names, is aware of what changes, what torture and daily life altering pain from neurological that I have lived, and am living. I must somehow realize I am still 'too young', and have more life to live. I am knowing we have only just begun certain processes, but say, say. I want a life and I know what to say. I see. Seen. I see a different face, as I look back in the mirror from time to time. Yes, I see what working hard in life has done to a beautiful face, I see the results of nuerological issues brought on by surgeries. I see with myself and team of doctors, awesome changes that are not too far away. I see some of them now! I see changes in my life happening now! Let me stop now. Um. Well then, yes, I have taken my medicine and shall shortly return to my corner of Mother Earth. I wish all Kindred peace. Seen.
Merry Christmas everybody! Ohhhhhh, this time of year is a fucked up time of year for me too!! Ew shit!
Look! Being 54, having a damned loose tooth and living in cinstant pain is driving me crazy right now! Good night then.
Friday, December 13, 2013
As A Globe Wide Team, Path's Crossed 30,000 Times
Dearest Relations,
I am blessed to open this entry by stating with full heart that this simple blog, "Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path", has been visited over thirty thousand times. This simple blog about a simple fellow with an invisible complicated disease known as Meniere's. With much gladness and ease, I say thank you so very much to each and every one reader. I say thank you very much to each and every guest who stuck their eye's in here with a cup of tea or demitasse of espresso. I say thank you, to each and every individual who stopped if even but for a moment. A crossing of path's.
As a globe wide team, we have all met here at some time or another, all of us who have gathered here over the past three or so years, to read about the ups and downs that comes with Meniere's Disease, the all of what this bastard of a silent disease brings to the person, me, that the disease apparently decided to inhabit. It has been this team of thousands, who while here on blog or in my private day to day life, have witnessed my raging against this disease. And the eventuality of having cervical spin problems, the pains that result from having compounding neurological illnesses and issues, and My Good God, the pain that lives in here twenty-four hours per day. All of those pills, tiny sub-lingual, giant tablets, capsules and all of that assorted shit.
Right. Please accept my many, very many thanks for reading me go on profane utterances. No matter or whatever the subject, when it comes to my patient rights, my rights as a disabled person, as a Deaf person. The rights that I have as a Mixed Blood in this country, America. My America. When speaking of such passionate matters, all of these subjects in particular are a few of those damned triggers. Oh, and please, the profanity comes easy when the topic of these and every miscellaneous chemical I am required to digest, provides plenty good fucking frustration. Seen. I am here. There's work to get done. My journey has just begun. For now, I wish to close this communique gladly and honored. I am humbled, number's over 30,000 are well beyond my simple imagination. Thank you one and all, and Thank you, Great Spirit!
I am blessed to open this entry by stating with full heart that this simple blog, "Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path", has been visited over thirty thousand times. This simple blog about a simple fellow with an invisible complicated disease known as Meniere's. With much gladness and ease, I say thank you so very much to each and every one reader. I say thank you very much to each and every guest who stuck their eye's in here with a cup of tea or demitasse of espresso. I say thank you, to each and every individual who stopped if even but for a moment. A crossing of path's.
As a globe wide team, we have all met here at some time or another, all of us who have gathered here over the past three or so years, to read about the ups and downs that comes with Meniere's Disease, the all of what this bastard of a silent disease brings to the person, me, that the disease apparently decided to inhabit. It has been this team of thousands, who while here on blog or in my private day to day life, have witnessed my raging against this disease. And the eventuality of having cervical spin problems, the pains that result from having compounding neurological illnesses and issues, and My Good God, the pain that lives in here twenty-four hours per day. All of those pills, tiny sub-lingual, giant tablets, capsules and all of that assorted shit.
Right. Please accept my many, very many thanks for reading me go on profane utterances. No matter or whatever the subject, when it comes to my patient rights, my rights as a disabled person, as a Deaf person. The rights that I have as a Mixed Blood in this country, America. My America. When speaking of such passionate matters, all of these subjects in particular are a few of those damned triggers. Oh, and please, the profanity comes easy when the topic of these and every miscellaneous chemical I am required to digest, provides plenty good fucking frustration. Seen. I am here. There's work to get done. My journey has just begun. For now, I wish to close this communique gladly and honored. I am humbled, number's over 30,000 are well beyond my simple imagination. Thank you one and all, and Thank you, Great Spirit!
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Time For "Share and Say It!"
Hello Kindred,
Many weeks have passed since I last gathered a quick Share and Say It. It is something more than a Top 10 and I work it similarly to a word association, though, I enjoy them as well. Without any more yack-yack, here we go ...
1. It doesn't matter to me what we have to do as a team to get me into a different playing level.
2. The Sleeping was interrupted yesterday, I just didn't want to sleep anymore.
3. So I stayed awake twenty four plus hours and have slept two today.
4. Hey, what can I say? This Meniere's controls me. There is no cure, no pill or tablet.
5. Though it seems my inventory increases, as I have begun month three of methadone.
6. A Class C narcotic.
7. Whew! I share with you, my guests and readers that I had visual hallucinations.
8. And the complication of audio hallucinations.
9. For shits sake, this is the medicine my professor has ordered for my painful days.
10. These absolutely terrible pains have occupied the most of these past twenty four hours.
11. For how many years, I do not know.
12. From my scalp and neck, down my shoulders and both arms, pains run thick and deep.
13. There were times when pains approached 'Ten's', with such force, the emergency department was next move.
14. The morrow I will call my professor, with gladness and a dash of assertiveness. I what to be kept not only in the loop of these matters, I will be the first to receive calls in the future.
15. I am awaiting instruction on further MRI imaging. Re-testing.
16. In the mean time, I am tortured by this neurological anomaly.
17. My right ear was popping so loud and clearly earlier that it sounded like a fire cracker.
18. No. No fire works around here and it hurt something dreadful.
19. The sweats and nausea enjoy double teaming me. Sweat, vomit, repeat. Then repeat again.
20. This right ear is getting pitiful on the hearing piece. The hearing aid is a part of my present.
21. Though, not my balance. Again, today I have fallen. My right arm, shoulder, and neck have filed their complaints.
22. Dizziness so bad, it feels as if I am constantly removing myself from a festival ride.
23. I have been an ill fellow long enough to see how some Folks and their clinics tend to slow down a bit prior to holidays. Not mine, Honey, we've got work to do.
24. I have continued to lose and mange loss of weight. God knows how much I love my 501's.
25. Steadfast boundaries are established, are in place, and shall remain so.
Well, straight from between these two ears and quick off the hip. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed tossing it together. By the way, this is quickly composed and is not censored. I don't have a need to. Seen.
Many weeks have passed since I last gathered a quick Share and Say It. It is something more than a Top 10 and I work it similarly to a word association, though, I enjoy them as well. Without any more yack-yack, here we go ...
1. It doesn't matter to me what we have to do as a team to get me into a different playing level.
2. The Sleeping was interrupted yesterday, I just didn't want to sleep anymore.
3. So I stayed awake twenty four plus hours and have slept two today.
4. Hey, what can I say? This Meniere's controls me. There is no cure, no pill or tablet.
5. Though it seems my inventory increases, as I have begun month three of methadone.
6. A Class C narcotic.
7. Whew! I share with you, my guests and readers that I had visual hallucinations.
8. And the complication of audio hallucinations.
9. For shits sake, this is the medicine my professor has ordered for my painful days.
10. These absolutely terrible pains have occupied the most of these past twenty four hours.
11. For how many years, I do not know.
12. From my scalp and neck, down my shoulders and both arms, pains run thick and deep.
13. There were times when pains approached 'Ten's', with such force, the emergency department was next move.
14. The morrow I will call my professor, with gladness and a dash of assertiveness. I what to be kept not only in the loop of these matters, I will be the first to receive calls in the future.
15. I am awaiting instruction on further MRI imaging. Re-testing.
16. In the mean time, I am tortured by this neurological anomaly.
17. My right ear was popping so loud and clearly earlier that it sounded like a fire cracker.
18. No. No fire works around here and it hurt something dreadful.
19. The sweats and nausea enjoy double teaming me. Sweat, vomit, repeat. Then repeat again.
20. This right ear is getting pitiful on the hearing piece. The hearing aid is a part of my present.
21. Though, not my balance. Again, today I have fallen. My right arm, shoulder, and neck have filed their complaints.
22. Dizziness so bad, it feels as if I am constantly removing myself from a festival ride.
23. I have been an ill fellow long enough to see how some Folks and their clinics tend to slow down a bit prior to holidays. Not mine, Honey, we've got work to do.
24. I have continued to lose and mange loss of weight. God knows how much I love my 501's.
25. Steadfast boundaries are established, are in place, and shall remain so.
Well, straight from between these two ears and quick off the hip. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed tossing it together. By the way, this is quickly composed and is not censored. I don't have a need to. Seen.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Boundaries, My Disease's And I Are Not Your Joke
Time. Having passed so quickly by, brings me here several weeks fast forward, it seems. As if I have been chosen the busy one, so too busy since I was last here on the blog. Chatting with you, my guests and reader's.
My health piece has had me under it's control, though I have maintained contact with those who need to know and with them I love. Since Saturday, the 7 December, I have dealt with the sleep that comes post Meniere's Disease attacks. I have slept well past eighty hours of life in a hand full of days.
Over the course of these same weeks, I have also been at charge with establishing true boundaries with them who I have attempted to do so with in the past, I have attempted to communicate and speak clearly on how this feels in my heart. So then, I grew weary of repeating myself over and over again. No, it's is not damned funny when you play 'fake' Sign Language. Think back to that fool in South Africa, who got away with making an ass of himself, our Deaf People's and the South African government. I am glad he was caught in South Africa, he will suffer the consequences, as well as the folks who put him there. What an ass-hole. No, my deadest Kin, it is not funny. It is not funny when you get to play and re-play emotional games when it comes to my disabilities. Time and time again. I am your brother, I am your Kin Folk and Kindred One, these cruel games, especially these you play with that are in my skull, brains, neuro systems, and me being Deaf and Hard of Hearing, and truly fuck away if you joke this is selective hearing.
These illnesses that affect my body and mind every damned day of life will no longer be a source of entertainment. Never, ever again for any of you. Yes, I have already had the feedback I expected. As I knew this is how this conversation would turn out. NO! I am not responsible for the way you would react to a rational adult conversation, neither is it my fault. Not in any way or form - I can not make a person say or do what this Kin Folk. If I speak with you you about this subject understand that it is a sensitive matter when it really isn't necessary for the drama. Own up to 'your damned' words or activities and we move along then. Seen.
No. Not yours or theirs, and then if after, perhaps for me, too many side bar's, things change.
No, this isn't a matter of woof-woof or meow-meow. Not a matter of fault or blame, this is simply, a matter of fucking fact. I am deaf. I am Hard of Hearing. I can't breathe too well sometimes because I can't breathe. I have a loose tooth on the lower right jaw. I have listened to the spinning wheel of "Wheel Of Fortune", for what seems like hours, I have had a squadron of WWII Fighter Jets stuck in suspended animation above my home. Botswana says no, there is nothing there. I believe her. My Cervical spine is at war with my body. I have cried today. I cry daily and nightly, over these fucking pains that are so bad that all I can do is cry. I fall over nothing. The walls and door ways and arches move in my life. My right ear pops and plops out loud. I hear and listen to sounds and voices and noises in my home. Going to The-Store-With-The-Big-Red-Dot is very tasking for me, as is the trip to my favorite market where shopping is a pleasure - though I must report, that I have fallen in love with a local German Super Market. A place I have never fallen!
Right then, I gotta stop a spell. Love, peace, and more peace.
P.S. I am only doing what Mr. Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd, asked me to do all those years ago. And yes, I am expressing myself with great gusto! Along with sweet R&B and pure pre-Funk. The sounds of realization and an awakening. Yes, Zena, I still listen to this sweetness to this day. "What ever you do - do it good." "You all do it!" "It's not what you like, when ever you do, whatcha do, do it good. It's whatcha doing when you're doing - whatcha look like when you're doing it. Express yourself. Express yourself. Do it to it! You all do it! I am a doing it! Huh? I am Fifty-Four years of age, and can say that I am still learning just how to express myself. If you don't like what I speak of, don't read me. I Hey, hey, hey, I'm here to express myself. Seen?
My health piece has had me under it's control, though I have maintained contact with those who need to know and with them I love. Since Saturday, the 7 December, I have dealt with the sleep that comes post Meniere's Disease attacks. I have slept well past eighty hours of life in a hand full of days.
Over the course of these same weeks, I have also been at charge with establishing true boundaries with them who I have attempted to do so with in the past, I have attempted to communicate and speak clearly on how this feels in my heart. So then, I grew weary of repeating myself over and over again. No, it's is not damned funny when you play 'fake' Sign Language. Think back to that fool in South Africa, who got away with making an ass of himself, our Deaf People's and the South African government. I am glad he was caught in South Africa, he will suffer the consequences, as well as the folks who put him there. What an ass-hole. No, my deadest Kin, it is not funny. It is not funny when you get to play and re-play emotional games when it comes to my disabilities. Time and time again. I am your brother, I am your Kin Folk and Kindred One, these cruel games, especially these you play with that are in my skull, brains, neuro systems, and me being Deaf and Hard of Hearing, and truly fuck away if you joke this is selective hearing.
These illnesses that affect my body and mind every damned day of life will no longer be a source of entertainment. Never, ever again for any of you. Yes, I have already had the feedback I expected. As I knew this is how this conversation would turn out. NO! I am not responsible for the way you would react to a rational adult conversation, neither is it my fault. Not in any way or form - I can not make a person say or do what this Kin Folk. If I speak with you you about this subject understand that it is a sensitive matter when it really isn't necessary for the drama. Own up to 'your damned' words or activities and we move along then. Seen.
No. Not yours or theirs, and then if after, perhaps for me, too many side bar's, things change.
No, this isn't a matter of woof-woof or meow-meow. Not a matter of fault or blame, this is simply, a matter of fucking fact. I am deaf. I am Hard of Hearing. I can't breathe too well sometimes because I can't breathe. I have a loose tooth on the lower right jaw. I have listened to the spinning wheel of "Wheel Of Fortune", for what seems like hours, I have had a squadron of WWII Fighter Jets stuck in suspended animation above my home. Botswana says no, there is nothing there. I believe her. My Cervical spine is at war with my body. I have cried today. I cry daily and nightly, over these fucking pains that are so bad that all I can do is cry. I fall over nothing. The walls and door ways and arches move in my life. My right ear pops and plops out loud. I hear and listen to sounds and voices and noises in my home. Going to The-Store-With-The-Big-Red-Dot is very tasking for me, as is the trip to my favorite market where shopping is a pleasure - though I must report, that I have fallen in love with a local German Super Market. A place I have never fallen!
Right then, I gotta stop a spell. Love, peace, and more peace.
P.S. I am only doing what Mr. Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd, asked me to do all those years ago. And yes, I am expressing myself with great gusto! Along with sweet R&B and pure pre-Funk. The sounds of realization and an awakening. Yes, Zena, I still listen to this sweetness to this day. "What ever you do - do it good." "You all do it!" "It's not what you like, when ever you do, whatcha do, do it good. It's whatcha doing when you're doing - whatcha look like when you're doing it. Express yourself. Express yourself. Do it to it! You all do it! I am a doing it! Huh? I am Fifty-Four years of age, and can say that I am still learning just how to express myself. If you don't like what I speak of, don't read me. I Hey, hey, hey, I'm here to express myself. Seen?
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