The Dark Gloom Approaches

Relations,

Am feeling deeply blue and can see the gloom off in the distance. Am trying to fight this mess off and keep myself balanced within. Then, there are parts and pieces of me that wants to go back into the gloom. Where I would surround my selves's with the darkness of this thick gloom.

Like a thick fog, the dark gloom approaches...

...and I embrace this darkness as I have before. It's all too familiar for me and the/my history that I have survived. It's not his story, it's my story and I really don't feel like much of a Warrior or a Survivor at this moment. Not this minute. Not this second. Not with this breathe. I feel a blue state of mind in my chest that is so heavy, I can physically feel pressure there. Or here where I sit and in here in my chest, where I am able to feel and listen to my beating bleeding heart...

...I have found familiar ground here on My Path. I have to admit that this feels like an old pair of blue jeans that fit just right and are nicely snug against the skin of my waist.  My thoughts are not pleasant here in this place of the gloom. I'm well aware that my thoughts are too deep into this space I find myself in. I pull at string and straw and do not feel positive energy. No, right now, anyways.

Meniere's Disease does not mix well with the stresses of a home life that includes so many doctor and hospital bills. I can't imagine how much debt we have with those obligations and the other debts of a household. When these are placed along side or on top of others...

...am I at a loss for words? I think maybe so.

My nausea today has been harsh and I have vomited once in my mouth and once in the commode. The gagging has been going on since mid-morning. I have been sweating so bad I removed my shirt and shorts and remain only in boxers hoping to calm and cool off. With Meniere' it's not so easy, as I sit here tip-tapping away, I am sweating about my chest, waist, and neck. I am wearing a cap of same. The dizziness has rendered me awkwardly and cautious. Yesterday there were too many stumbles and bumps-into. Today follow same results here on My Path. I am so dizzy I am having to fight to keep these keys from getting messed up - my writing uncoordinated - as is my pace of walking. My hearing has been so negative it was difficult for me to hear my eldest on Skype. The sounds and noise in my ears have been disgusting. As I have this gather this communique, I am listening to a beep that has been going on for well over twenty minutes. No ringing, a beeeeeeeeep that has gone on too damned long. My right ear is listening to the sound of a live electrical wire hanging over head. Them that are up high on the multi armed electric polls. Loud, long and steady. I have just noticed that when I close my eyes I see what looks like a hurricane swirling on the weather man's map of the Gulf of Mexico and the South Eastern United States. So I stopped holding my eyes shut. I am exhausted, but am not wanting to sleep. I am hungry, but do not know what to eat. I am alone and am lonely.

There are thoughts passing through my mind that are not healthy...

...as I begin to question my worthiness. As I began to question existence.

These toxic combination's never have equaled out to much good or right times for me. I figure I better strap myself in and prepare for a bit of a ride on this Roller Coaster that runs parallel to My Path.

We are in dire straights, my bride and I. I haven't worn these shoes in decades and dislike the way they feel. I am not accustomed to having to ask bankers for their assistance.

Inadequacy is a negative force...

...this negative force is choking me to Deaf.