It's The Fear Of Being Alone

When I sit here in our middle room and all I hear are the noises going on between my ears, I have this animal extinct of not wanting to be alone. I've always had this fear. Since way young childhood, I have never enjoyed being alone...

...life has let this flip flop on me twice or thrice times because there were times when all I wanted was some solitude, someplace to seek serenity. Most other times in my life and on this Path, I have been a member of a Clan, a platoon, a team and or group. To be often left here home alone, even if it is for only a few hours at a time, leaves me flustered and frustrated.

I feel like a child waiting for Mommy to come home from work. I feel like my hounds do when Grammy gets home - I just hold it down on the peeing, licking and yapping about. But I bet you this, deep inside I know how they feel. I miss my Botswana and want her home with me.

Some memories surface in my child's memory banks about my Abuela/Grandmother Mary and how I would wait for her to get home from work at her Nursing Job. Or waiting to see my Dad coming home from one of his jobs. Yes, good memories. Yes, these are the one's I try desperately to hold on too. My Mommy? My Mommy, coming home from cleaning other Lady's houses.

This fear of being alone happens here when I lay down to journal or rest and my pillow smoother's my right ear to Deaf. Just this morning I missed a telephone call because I didn't hear the ring of the telephone. Two feet in front of my face. Come on already, I think and consider the 'what ifs'.

When I am in the shower, my whole world becomes the activity and the sounds are all limited to the area within the shower, as I bathe. The shower becomes a water fall and all is blocked out. If I should place an ear bud in my right ear while out side in the garden, I do not hear anything else around me, just my one ear hole, the ipod and whatever sounds I may have within my bobble head. Kindred, it is not too often I indulge in such entertainment. It is unsafe and I am fearful of the disconnect. I am vulnerable and feel the need to always be prepared for some sort of confrontation. Especially from the experience gained a few days ago while in here when someone or something messed about with the window screen. By the time I made it out front our guest decided to exit not only the premises, but the neighbourhood too. All of that whistling and clanging I did! VIVA!

Yes, I may be fearful from time after time, but I keep on keeping on. It's in my nature.