As I Try To Listen

The past forty eight hours have been absolutely disappointing, very sad and quite scary for me. There has been something going on and or not going on with my right hard of hearing ear. The quality of sound has been a huge negative factor in not only the past forty eight hours, but I find myself needing to include the past three or four days. The Meniere's has been ridiculous over this span and has made being awake a chore and a nuisance with the lack of hearing and or the loud and obnoxious nosies coming from both the Deaf left and the right hard of hearing one...

...as I try to listen, the hearing so bad that I have slept rather than deal with this gut wrenching stenching loss. The numb sensation in my ear and the cone sense of hearing has been crazy. The volume on the television when watching football had to be turned up to near maximum for me to understand the commentators. Yesterday evening while viewing a motion picture with my youngest, I became exhausted by the energy required as I tryed to listen. This and dealing with the symptoms of the Meniere's.

Saturday, I slept rather than deal with the lack of hearing and the noise between these ears. Sunday and today, I slept in rather than awake to the sounds of these beep-beep-beeping's going on in an ear that is totally Deaf and the malfunctioning right ear, 'The One-Good-Bad-Ear-Hole-To-The-Brain's' requires time for it to wake up too. It seems to require more and more time...

...yes, I do grow tired and exhausted from trying to hear and listen. Same as far as the coping skills and I do my best and try not to get angry. Sometimes, you see though, some of what I've learned over the years of therapy helps and sometimes not so. So I try, I really do, but I reckon the only folks who would know what I feel and or think inside are the Folk's who are Deaf and Hard of Hearing themselves.

At this very damned moment, I am an island.

As I try to listen to what being Out Of Sound will be like, I notice that it seems to be happening somewhat faster than I thought it would. Things become more and more distant, words get weirder and there have been times I haven't been able to understand my own damned language. I get exhausted from this anguish I feel and live with due to this loss of hearing. This approaching State of Silence, indicates that it is I that needs to focus on the matter and really begin to separate these going's on from what I may be experiencing in the other realms and reality's of my life and this, My Path. It is absolutely necessary that I pursue and press on with the focus that is required to listen and to listen to what is happening around me and with me or to me and...

...listen and hear as much as humanly possible for the now. For today. For this time being, listen to every word that anybody says to me. The words of All Relations! And I say Sister, even complete strangers are Relation to me. So I listen to their words...

...as I try to listen, I want to hear my Mom's voice and my Dad's voice too.

I play and replay songs on the i-pod or the stereo. Sometimes I turn the volume up some. Sometimes way up.  I listen with reverence to the voices of my beautiful daughters, my dearest wife,  and listen to the precious voices of my young and wonderful nieces and nephews. I listen. I so try...

..."just like every Cowboy sings a sad, sad song"...