Happy New Year!

A heart-felt wish to one and all for a healthy, safe and Happy New Year!!

A New Year with strength of being and peace-in-heart...

...one with much love, for one and all Relations.

peace,
Mario

If I Could, I would Still Scream, Let Me Bleed!

My Relations and Fellow Survivors, I wish to convey the conversation has taken place. Prior to hospitalization and prior to Christmas, as I was asked by my Stewie.

The talk has been made.

This is not a treaty! There is no treaty!

This is a stern and steadfast boundary that has been established to take care of me and the One's inside. Forever...

...there will be NO MORE of those converstions! There will be NO MORE attempts to manipulate, perpetuate, or perpetrate sexual advances! NO MORE talks of his sexual desires! NOT ANOTHER WORD of ANYTHING related to SEX!

Forever Never again!

He has been made aware that even one word of this forbidding speech is Forever Forbidden from mein ear...if this should ever be betrayed, my Voice will carry the Words of many years and will fall like rain onto them near and afar...

...I will not be betrayed again. If I knew this task would have been so easy to communicate - the talk would have taken place long ago. Now I know.

This has been a piece of luggage for way too long...also, the dark cloud that loomed over-head for such a very long time is being evaporated as I share every word and promise.

I promise to keep my word. I expect the same of him.

Walking my Path with much less luggage...

My Primary , The Laboratory and My Sister

Visited with the primary care physician today. Arrived at a wee bit past 10:00, my appointment being 10:30.

It was necessary I visit the laboratory for blood works once I met with She-Who-Is-My-Medicine-Woman. This is where I was very politely treated as a laboratory experiment. I was pricked, picked at, slapped and probed for so long, all I could do was sit there and endure...one solitary tear slipped down from my right eye and was asked by He-The-Marine, if I was okay...

...I was not in a good place, so, no, I was not okay nor in a happy place. The place I have been in, has made me numb to very much...the multipule stabs and steel versus flesh wounds were but an inconvenience. I think I was disappointed from the lack of phsyical pain, actually.

The health of my lungs remain compromised and breathing remains a task. I have been placed on new "anti" medication, this being an anti-biotic. Also, will be eating pearls for the cough and will continue with breathing treatments and other such medications prescribed for respiratory issues.

By the time all tests were done and converstions were had, it was this side of 1300. I don't give a truck full, that's bad timimg - damn near poor timing from any patient point of view. I suspect.

My sister Maria, who just a few days ago said we would spend the day together, could not have expected those words to become so true. Bless her heart...thanks for hangin' in there ole girl, thanks for playing taxi and thanks for the company. Sure came in handy today.

The meniere's has acted a fool today with the continuation of swamp like ambiance and the beep-beep-beeping of a satalite crossing over-head...sometimes sounds too much like Morris Code. My balance and coordination was way off, which requires an added purpose to each step.

The learning curve for me and life is off the chain...

For All Relations, I wish you a very happy and healthy New Year. I look ahead and forward to the New Year. My Path beckons me to continue walking with chin up...I am compelled. Life...

Falling In Hospital

Falling in hospital was no less terrifying than falling...

...on the parking lot at my Coffee House...

...or pool side out back - when I fought gravity to keep from falling into the pool...

...no less terrifying than when I have fallen in various places in my home...

...like falling forward into my Bath Room sink. Or falling forward from the commode.

No matter when or how or why, the everytime I fell or have fallen, it has been utterly terrifying.

The huge negative in hospital is to become a statistic and gain yet another label, "Fall Risk". With "Fall Risk" rules and don'ts and do's and a Bright Yellow Fall Risk sticker on my hospital bracelet...and two yellow "Fall Risk" magnets on my door and hospital issued yellow socks...

What a spectacle. Just going to get chilled water - went to make a left turn and I felt as if an imaginary rug was swiftly yanked from under foot...all happened with a blink of an eye. Like, I get knocked down again and I get up again.

And again...

...my Path..

Meniere's and Respiratory Distress + Emotional Melt Down = Life?

Season's Greeting's to all...

One week ago today, the 20th of December 2010, my bride took me to the emergency department at our local hospital. It was during this visit I was informed that I had pneumonia and was admitted as an in-patient straight away. Please know and trust that with the exception of the horrors of not being able to breath some symptoms ran parallel with meniere's.

While in hospital, I was provided with a new diagnonis, that of a Suger Diabetic. This is the disease I observed destroy my dear Mom and the one eating away at my bride...it seems cruel in my mind and Spirit's, that I too should be blessed with same - same. Shit! Such a bleeding additional diagnosis! I mean, I think I would have perfered to have had my 'nad's removed than have this piece of dung diagnosis placed on my Medical Records. Shit!

In the morrow, my primary doctor and I will formulate an attack and a plan of action to assist me with this transistion. I am not at all happy about this...perhaps I read the writing on the wall long ago...perhaps my intution whispered this many seasons ago, but I be damned if I ever thought this day would come.

My breathing remains laboured. I follow directions and take these medications as directed...yet, my chest feels hollow and am unable to inhale a great big breath which is so frustrating because all I want to do is breathe...

Meniere's has been a very disgusting and unpleasent passenger the past week. I took a fall while in hospital. My dear nurses swarmed me within moments. What dear nurses I was Blessed with. I was not at all damaged or hurt, although, all that was damaged was/is my pride as a man...a survivor...the warrior?

The sub-lingual anti-this-or-that created such pain in my neck and rendered my neck stiff...as in having to move the whole upper body to turn to the left or right. Also, subjected me to the continuation of unrinary control issues. I swear to my beaten and battered heart that my Mental Health Care team must make proper adjustments. Oh, My Dear Lord, I know I must. Please!

I am feeling surrounded by gloom, doom, and death...Monday of last week got me to the door-way of death. I know this. I was there. Since then, I have had bad dreams and nightmares, panic attacks and bout's with the emotional melt downs. When all I can do to help is cry...it's Liquid Sunshine, remember?

Please, please, please, understand, I must not give in to this bleak and self-punishing thought process...I've got to keep pushing and Walking My Path, with my chin dragging on my Turkish tiled home...tears and crying take my breath away...Oh, what, oh what, is really going on down this Path of mine...

New Medication, Part II and Therapy

Did in fact meet with my therapist Sir Dude, this morning...an incredible gathering and visit. Sir Dude, was prepared and engaged interesting conversation. I was a mess, but, was able to vent and really have a good talk. His face to my face and eye to eye, was able to explain how it is in fact a part of my therapy, to speak of, discuss and talk of the sexual abuse being perpitrated against me in this most rescent past. It is in fact of my patient history, en'it? I believe he agreed. Today's visit...Sir Dude, Grade A and I, Grade D. Um, shit, I've got to get ahold of myself! The bloody crying and raising of voices. Oh, and, I feel as if I let my Sir Dude, a part of my Mental Health Care Team down today...

Met with Dr. Psych, in the early afternoon. Dr. Psych's staff was able to coordinate this face to face today...we agreed yesterday that it was to my best interest to have a "face to face" and not a Via Tele. Doc. took me off Pill-with-Sick-Side-Effects and has taken me on a different route with another type and form of a not-a-pill. Yes, it is an antipsychotic drug and I began the process tonight. Dr. Psych and I had a bit longer than usual talk. I can not say I left there feeling better today, yet am able to say, when I left, my shoes fit me quite differently...which, on my Path, is a good thing. Dr. Psych, A and I a C-. Yes, I feel as if I have let this team mate down too. I put myself in the position to tell the truth about the strong desire to hurt and punish my self.

It's just been one of those days...

Today, I was put in the position where I was unable to rest and sleep off these post vertigo attack symptoms...I am completly exhausted, I ache and am sore, dizzy, nauseated and am about to go to sleep and dream land. I prepare for rest...and very much look forward to it.

On a curious note, I have not visited the rest room today. So I have no report on that subject. Maybe tomorrow?

...one step at a time...I walk the Path...

Meniere's Disease, Symptoms of...Being An Anomaly

This plate over flowing with perpetual shit before me has brought me to my knees...I simply do not know how much more I can endure. It's come this far - it's gone to far.

There are no doubts and way too many clues that lead me to know and believe strongly I had a vertigo attack on the yesterday, sometime rightly after 15:00...the duration of the vertigo lasted approximately 15 minutes. This occurred while sitting and reading. The dizziness post attack was sickening and created nausea so powerful my throat is extemely sore today. Which compounds an already painful and affected throat. The swelling in my right ear and sounds of locomotives in my back yard...I sweated so bad, there were drops of perspiration dripping from the curls on the back of my head. On the verge of fainting, it was necessary I lay down a few minutes to capture the me that was on the verge of madness. Eventually, I had to go bed...my body and innards sore and pained...to sleep.

I awoke late this afternoon and expect I shall be back to bed within the hour or two. For a return to Dream World...feel safer in Dream World. Even though this is where I'm at my most vulnerable, which is due to the Deafness and being Hard of Hearing, I am a sitting/laying duck. Alas, I believe, I would rather be asleep than awake...left to deal with meniere's symptoms and the madness from whence it came.

Prior to going any further, it is a right and proper thing to share this: I have had numerous side effects from the uber drug/antipsychotic that will remain unnamed. Dr. Psych, discontinued it this afternoon. I assure you, if other folks requiring this medication have same side effects as I, there are or will be issues.

The side effects I have experianced and am experiancing are a shrinking and painful throat that even when drinking water has pain, the dizziness from this medication compounded with the dizziness from meniere's is dreadful and confusing. THE VOICES and HOWLING OF WOLF continues. I have continued to have bouts with crying - I mean bad sobbing and uncontroled crying, crying. Today I passed a green movement - which in my mind sends red flags popping up everywhere and no, no spinich or greens or three pounds of salad. JUST out-of-the-blue, I pass green dung. This is simply wrong.

I visit Sir Dude in the morning and shall have a visit with Dr. Psych, in the afternoon...

My Crystal Ball says that sometime soon, I don't know when, but soon, I will be placed in hospital. Or maybe a place hospital like. I don't know. I am just saying...

Yeah, just saying...

If I Could, I Would! I Would Scream Let Me Bleed!

If I could, I would turn back the hands of time and this time scream aloud the names of those who sexually abused me, raped and tortured the me that was an innocent. I would not shut up or shut in.

If I could, I would scream aloud the name of he who is attempting to molest the grown me!! He, who has exposed himself and masterbated to climax in my company...he who has grabed ahold of his clothed erect penis "to show me his arousal", with my family other room or my back yard away.

If I may, I share this because my therapist, Sir Dude, informs me as last visit that what I/him/we are going through with the Meniere's Disease, the therapies, the medications atop medications on top of medications...the crying, the desire to bleed and cut and cut to bleed ENOUGH...or the yearning to burn my flesh has nothing to do with "the" sexual abuse.

Well, and please understand I use every fiber of my body to refrain from the use of profane language, BUT!!

If I could, I would scream and cry at him, my Sir Dude, that he is MIGHTY incorrect! Just mighty wrong...yes, this may not have anything to do with the sexual abuse I suffered as a wee child, adolescent or young adult...and NO, this REALLY DOES NOT have anything to do with MENIERE'S DISEASE! BUT, Sir Dude, there sure is a whole truck load of HOT COW DUNG, that it is not needed while I am at war with this meniere's disease and its manifestations of illness', depressions, falls, infections, injections, medications, surgery's and maddness...associated with disease meniere's. True...true.

But, if I could, I would tell you Sir, YES! There is an awful lot about what's going on between my ears that does come from sexual abuse. YES! YES! YES, SIR! I am a 51 year old adult, husband and father, who is being ABUSED AND SEXUALLY PERPITRATED AGAINST BY ANOTHER MAN! A person of/with authority...a man with cunnuing and a manipulating nature. A supposed trusted one...one who has made attempts in the past and now most recently, more frequently in word and indeed actions. NO, SIR DUDE, there was NO SEX as in actual contsensual sexual activity...there was no contact.

BUT! THESE ARE/WAS/WERE ACTS AND INCIDENTS OF SEXUAL ABUSE!

So, yes, Sir Dude, some of this Mental Health Care, business that you, Dr. Psych, and I, are dealing with, does in fact, happen to include the issues and consequences of being one who has been Sexually Abused...as that wee little boy, as that handsome young teen, as a young adult trying to figure "am I Gay or am I straight"...And NOW! AS IN THE NOW! PRESENTLY as a middle aged fellow suffering with the Meniere's Disease we speak of.

I have survived Sexual Abuse throughout my days here on Earth Mother. My plan is to continue fighting the war against meniere's and I will steadfastly continue to fight the issues and consequences of being a SURVIVOR of Sexual Abuse...

...and now, since I can, I will once again say, I walk my Path with peace and an earnest desire to live...and walk this Path, one step, one breath, one tear at a time.

p.s. Just don't ask me. I just won't tell. Yes, I know. I just won't.

Somethings I know...

I may be sad and depressed. That's late news, I'm already knowing this and am working on it with gusto! Somethings I know, are I don't need to be ridiculed or mocked with YOUR ignorance's or opioion's based on YOUR non-qualified approach to dealing with these issues.

I may be sick and I may be ill, and yes, I am having to deal with some really ridiculous and life altering shit, what with the disease meniere's, with the dizziness, puking, vertigo attacks, sweating, pill-after-pill-after-pill, the foiken falls...I can't drive, can't ride a trike, can't go out-side UNSUPERVISED, can't go in the pool UNSPERVISED!! But, somethings I know are...

...I'm not stupied. Niether is He-Who-Touched-My-Brain and his staff, Sir Dude, my therapist, Dr. Psych aka He-Who's-Learning-My Mind and his staff and neither is She-Who-Is-My-Doctor and her staff.

What YOU need to do, is familiarize YOURSELF with what it is that is going on in my mind, body and Spirit's. YOU need to read up on what it is my MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT's are REALLY going through before YOU pass YOUR ill informed attitudes and proclaim YOUR ignorances as a reality...

YOUR ignorance may be YOUR bliss, but let me deal with this disease and these disorders with MY family and MY well trained and caring professionals who DO what it is THEY must DO to make ME better. My skull and everything it contains are well taken care of.

Some things I know...

...and NO, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!! I may be going through some rather ugly SHIT right now, but PLEASE, work with ME - not against ME. These are MY hope and dreams.

Something I do know, is that I walk with my face forward...walking in Grace and holding tightly to every prayer and hope I have...One step at a time, I walk my Path.

Crying and Knowing...it's getting kind of hectic...

To put things into total perspective, I am a breathe away...

I have begun my new anti-medication tonight. Time will tell.

What took place here in my safe place tonight, places me in a position to push myself that much more...

...I will not be told by anyone ONE/PERSON to give up and accept that I am handicapped and will not add up to anything. That I must accept I will not get better...that I will NEVER be able to return to work. That no matter how much I hope, wish or pray - I will NEVER be able to do what I must do as fuctional man and citizen in/of my community.

I've NEVER FUCKEN quit!!! Not since childhood!!! I mean really!!! I have fought this stupied ass disease for three years and have not given up hope!! I am a survivor!! I am a Warrior!! I push forward and push forward everyday!! That's what keeps me going!!! My HOPE, my FAITH, my PRAYERS, are what keep me GOING!!! My BELIEF in my GREAT SPIRIT!!! I can not give up!!...to become a statistic, a number, another SS #!! I can not entertain the concept of my being a goverment kid/man...as if I were to be relegated to a reservastion for people with these types of handicap. Get my little pay and get my little medications and live a little life...

Plase, JUST DON"T PUT me with the other mutes, gimps, deaf, dumb, blind folks that YOU SAY I AM!!!. Please, just don't!!!

Wishing I could run on My Path!!!
Mario

p.s. It is hectic and crucial. I am not knowing right now where to take the next step! I'll begin by taking the next one...

New Medication!

Visited with Dr. Psych, aka, He Who's Learning My Mind, this afternoon.

My Crystal Ball was correct about the change in medications. One anti-pill was removed and another added. Although, this new tab does take us to a different approach in the direction of improving mind and body. Another "level", as my Dr. Psych, informs. This is it. There wasn't any talks or compromise...even comes with a whole new bunch of side affects. Excuse, should I come across way too excited about this, while I continue to deal and wrap my skull about the concept. Pardon me please for the giddiness, I am dizzy and am off balance. I want to vomit...oh, and please excuse me for omitting names of medications...just want to keep it like this...

...for now.

For now, I've said all I want to say...Walking My Path...one step at a time. One moment at a time.

My Special Place

Had a strong and good talk with Sir Dude, my therapist, this afternoon.
Really did seem as if it had been a couple/three weeks since I say him last. It had been one week, but damned sure felt like too long a stretch.

Tomorrow afternoon I have the fortunate opportunity to gather with He Who's Learning My Mind. His wonderful staff were so caring and accommodating, getting me in on such quick notice. I am so thankful and saying I am eager is an understatement...

I will get to the morrow, then. For now I am in a special place. My safe place...where I've gone to regroup after a day of too many tears and have cried to too many folks. Although in many ways - a place where I feel as if something was really accomplished today. It is true, Sir Dude and I went at it heavy for a spell! This afternoon, Therapist A- and I, a C. I arrived to my appointment tardy. Then, there were so much communicated in such a span of what felt like moments, that it was like the ping pong balls in the Lotto...jumping and popping about. One emotion to another, thought and words exchanged with the charge of these emotions of Spirits, dwelling within my core. Realized during session how much I miss running and my walk abouts...I think this is the ache and weight I feel in the center of my chest. Have wondered respiratory or illness? Stress? Sadness? I don't know. Thus, the C.

Yes, satisfactory, but am not happy with satisfactory. It's like being average. The average Zebra is sooner or later going to get his average running ass bit by a Lion in chase...might not get killed and eaten by the Lion, but I do have pieces and bits of my ass biten off every once and again.

Oh Great Spirit! I walk this Path looking forward...to my special place.

If I Could Just Get A Grip

Each time I rose from bed this morning I have shed tears...once at 07:20 when my dearest bride left for work and then at 09:58...it's been nearly an hour since and I sense more are around the bend.

I too should be driving to work in this cold and ice...headed to my Coffee House for warmth, comfort and a right good days pay. "Take care of each other while we take care of our customers", was one of my favorite expressions to share with my young "co-workers".

Folks, tend to talk too much when the time is at the worst. As in these difficult times I live. Them who make names and treat me less of a man because my emotions are exposed, make matters worse. Am I weak? Am I too vulnerable? Damn, I've tried. But, I'm just not that strong. Damn my mind. Damn these ears of mine...

This entire process named meniere's works very much more than the physical aspects of a persons life...it digs in deep and engages me still into wishing this was all a dream. Just a dream...seems like it's still a dream sometimes...a bad and sad never-ending dream.

If I could just get a grip...

If I could just get a grip, I would ask the folks who are amused by this illness to please leave me alone. Ask or TELL them enough with the jokes and laughter and name calling. What is going on inward my skull is a reality. This is not a folken joke.

I am on the verge of vomitting and have nothing in my stomach. I am dizzy and the sweat around my neck is not imaginary. I want to go back to sleep but I await an appointment with Sir Dude...we need to talk.

Some folks never learn.

I hear dead people...Voices and Such

Is what I probably should've titled my last communique...them, the voices here with me who have crossed before me...who speak to me in both my deaf and right-good-bad-ear. And now, today, the howling of wolves and coyetes...they've moved in and now hear,(as I meant to spell it) to listen to all the day...the 7th day of December 2010. I have listened to them closely and am saddened by their crys. So I have cryed with them. As I listen to them who speak to me - I shall listen to the sounds of my kindred four-legged cousins...

...my kindred sound harmed, are betrayed and beaten, while trying to change and adjust to a whole new world of change...folks, are not getting it. I just suspect such...

...Lord, knows how my Spirits, mind, heart and the all of my being is beaten and wearing. Warring. It's more than a feeling that folks are truly not getting the maddness brewing between mine ears.

Nausea is sky high this afternoon. The dizzy spell has it's grips about my size 8 skull. At the moment I perspire in cool surroundings. Wait. It's actually quite cold considering I'm a Florida boy...and I sit here perspiring and crying in cool room. Is it for my kindred or is it for me and my voices. I think I know...

The desire to brand increases...I want to smell the familiar scent of my flesh burning and listen to the pops of my skin as the brand is pressed atop the last brand. The Sign of The Fish...don't ask. Please, just don't ask me what it was...

There's so much aflutter...so I'm listening to my Stevie Nicks, singing to me and trying her best at enchanting my Spirits...aflutter? Yes.

Lord, knows...

p.s. For the first time, yesterday I was called a Mute. No. I don't know yet.

Meniere's Disease, Symptoms of...The Sounds Part IV

I state, The Sounds Part IV, as the title because I did not want to say or type something to do about hearing voices straight away. I have become hesitant in even speaking or to talk about a symptom that grows more and more difficult for me to deal with. I am hearing voices more often...the verbiage is becoming clearer...um, BUT!, I am alone when listening to these voices. Yes, si, ya!! I've been told that "some" patients with meniere's experiance this symptom post sugeries,procedures,injections, etc. This is no damn comfort for me right now damnit.

I suspect there might have been a mention early on in my blogging about hearing voices. It's not something I want to howl about on a mega-horn or send out notices like, "ALERT: I Am Hearing Voices!"!! But I know this is not right and not cool in the slightest bit. Yes, this is something I will be getting with my Mental Health Care Team, about first thing Monday. I am scheduled to visit with Sir Dude, and with that there is no doubt a call or calls will be made to the one who referred me to Sir Dude.

As I began to prepare for a shower in the West side of our lodge earlier, I clear as the night was dark, heard voices in my bed room. I was totally alone, clear minded - free of stimulants of any form...AND had another utter words into my very being...

...there's not much more to say about that. It happened earlier this evening, it has occured in the past on numerous occasions, and I expect future plans have been prepared unbeknownst to me.

So, this is getting hectic.

Back-back in the day I was associated with an organization out of Chicago, that was called V.O.I.C.E.S., Victims Of Incest Can Emerge Survivors...wow, that was like back in the late 1980's. Reckon I have been on this path a bit longer than I've given myself credit for. But, then, that sounds like...


As a quick side note...Brenda and I, had not been awake forty-five minutes this morning when I had my frist cry...yes, I cried over a cup of Cafe con Leche, Brenda's great Cuban Coffee with Hot Milk, en la casa style. All through the day, I consider maybe one half dozen episodes of crying... I've never kept track, never thought to. So I don't know.


Purchased tennis balls for Da Walker yesterday! Neon day-glow white, pink and yellow. Yes Ma'am, yes, these are like...

...now, That right there is a dude walk and rolling his Path...one step one damn voice at a time!

Crying in my Coffee

The loneliness of someone who is accustomed to Center Stage creates a void, heart ache and a loss that is difficult to express when it is lost. Like when the lights are turned off...and the volume of life's sound track is very truly and permanently turned down...sometimes to total silence.

I miss my Coffee Company. I miss my coffee...I miss my "co-workers"...I sit hear now crying over a cup of damned coffee...Oh, how I miss Center Stage!

For me this was the only life I'd known for years...my passion, my being the Center Stage, "OUR" Team being Center Stage, my joy was to work with this fabulous company...with these fantastic folks. I loved what I was doing in life and our customers, our "co-worker's", and our upper management sure had wonderful times along with our teams Oh, good-goodness, our customers enjoyed the atmosphere created for them by a group of folks that really cared about each other...some to become friends for life. Some to fall in love with each other...our Employee number was important to many of us because, for those who had been around a spell, we were able to determine how long one had been with OUR company. OUR customers let us know their approval for what we did for them...we made them one cup of coffee at a time...one customer at a time. Oh, My Dear God, knows the mourning continues. I still have not been able to wrap the concept of being released from my company via three way converstion. I cried like a slobbering idiot on that day for sure...I mean really? Release a person on a mdeical leave?

It's odd how I think back now, to the years building up to the diagnosis of meniere's disease...the tell-tale signs and symptoms of illness...the surgeries, the hospitalizations, pushing and pushing the enevelope to such a point that I was carried out of my store on an ambulance stretcher one afternnon. Because I did NOT know when to stop PUSHING!

Operations, surgeries, medications and went back to work. To soon! I'm told...Surgeries, operations, meds, meds, I went back to work - have a fall, come back to soon! Go back to excile!

November makes one year I lost balance and hearing on left side. The hearing in my right-good-bad-ear, continues to decrease. I have no balance system on my left, so my right attempts to compensate and often times over-compensates...of which, cause confusion, loss of coordination and balance, slips and falls. I walk with the aid of a walker. A two wheeled walker. I want to get some far out tennis balls for the legs in the back of walker. The front has wheels. It's a cool tool. It's an ugly sight, but a super tool.

There can be no blame for any of this. I keep telling myself. There's no blame mon! But I have this problem that it's my fucken disease and I made descions in this life's worth of blame, so it is I to blame. I say, was I listening? What did I miss?

Today was a frustrating day for me. Was unable to sleep off some of this vertigo attack most recent...drama, tears, frustration and more tears. Too much stress from outside that created issues inside. For roughly three hours of today I was engaged with high stressful topics. I tried to rest - I treid to disengage...then early this evening when I went to retire I began to have dreadful stomach issue and thus, resulted in exreme liquid BM. While nauseated...with-gag's, sweating, dizzy and crying. Sobbing. My babes across the lodge...so I cried alone. And cleaned my mess...

Got to go. My body, mind and spirit's request my return to slumber. Sleep it off - sleep it off!! My All Of Me, is exhausted...from the soles of my feet to the tips of my fingers, I ache. Sleep it off!

I may be in excile, I may be Home Bound, and I must be a hideous picture to look at...but dahlin's, I figure I'll be pushing the evelope named My Health, mighty good and proper.

Walkin' My Path, walker style...rollin' along.

And now for something completely different.....Good Night.

...crying...

Something I remember bringing up while with Sir Dude, was that my mind and body remembered how to cry silently...so that when crying happens while laying next to my bride, I will not awaken her from slumber...

I learned very early in life to silently cry...Liquid Sunshine by the cup full honeys, but, not a sound, nor an utter from the pain. There were too many times when things took for the worse if I sobbed or cryed aloud...so it came naturally.

Here I am in 2010 and my mind and body reminds me that I can silently cry...my eyes are puffy from crying today.

Think it best I get to my room and safe place. As there is too much ugly for me to stay awake any longer...

...sleeping along my Path...

The Sounds of a Ships Horn

Yesterday, I was able to spend time with Sir Dude...able to speak of somethings - unable to speak of other things. Feel as if my grade would be a C- for me. I have had a sense of incompletion of task and time...think we too much talked about medications...the anti-that and this anti-this truly troubles me. In my Crystal Ball, I see new meds with new directions and new side affects headed this way. Damnit. Medications are playing a role as important as the in-take of food and water in my day-to-day...too many medications, for one young as I. Just too many.

I/we did not talk enough of the problematic crying...

...or talk of the problemtic thoughts that accompany such bout's with crying. It's dark inside of a clear, blue, Fall sunny Florida day.

I was able to speak with Him From Far Away, yesterday. Had good talk and was pleased to have such a talk. Him From Far Away, has been by me through out the greater part of this disease meniere's. He has heard me through the all of this that has been. Processes scare me...Him From Far Away, is a branch of my Better Health Team. He has been with me through many a process...without his guidance, my family and I were doomed. He is a Good Spirited one...kindred. Yes. I am thankful for his knowledge and skills.

Sometime in the afternoon yesterday, I don't remember the time, I began to hear the sounds of a ship's horn out side my bedroom window. Them, one hears on giant cruise ships. These lasted for just about two hours and sounded something like this...HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKK!!!!! HHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKK!! Over and over and over again. This cruise ship was parked in my back yard, you see, and blared the HHHHHHHHOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKK!!! HHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKKKKK!! Over and fucking over. My nausea was bad and productive. The dizzieness was dreadful and I sweated non-stop for some bit more than two hours. My body felt and feels at this moment as if I was a boxer with a record of 0 and 77. My entire body is sore and is pained. I am exhausted. This really sinks in that what I had was a vertigo attack yesterday...creeped under the radar I suspect.



It is neccessay I conclude by saying this...The Sounds of a Ships Horn gets mighty old - mighty quick!

Yes, I have eatten my medications as directed.

Today, I rest along side my Path...sleeping keeps my mind from thinking.

Greetings

Greetings and peace to our Earth Mother...from one who walks the path upright. I am very new at this so pardon me for errors in procedure, incorrect spelling, poor grammer, and the use of profanity every once and again. This is very simply a test. Will be back shortly...


p.s. This is one of those self-learned things...I had found an error, thinking it would remain where it was in the order of blog. It did not. Um?

...One more please...

Brenda took me to Target on Sunday. I felt as if I was going on a Field Trip! The only times I get out of my lodge is for doctor appointments, so I was super excited. I am walking with the aid of a walker now when am out of doors. So in my skull, this takes the neon sign up huge wattage! Oh, palease...don't you know?

As Brenda and I were going about our shopping, we crossed the paths of a male couple...we going that way and them that...the one pushing the cart aka Le Bitch, like me...just about broke her neck trying to see what that was in my Suzy-Q curls. Wanted to holla something at her real bad like. But I kept my silence! Why? I don't know. But...

...what Miss. Thang, did was not look at me in "that" way, or as in a brotherly way, I mean my Gaydar was screaming..but if I could say to "him", as in a judgement has been rendered - case closed sort of way. He saw a 300 pound furry, curly man, pushing a cart with his walker in it...with Cyborg appliance attached to skull...nothing more - all the less. To he, at that moment, I was not even a respected one...and doesn't even know me.

For now, I keep my silence. Just don't know how much more to endure.

In passing, I acknowledged my young brother...But, he did not see me knod...he was all up in my business, passed her judgement and didn't even know me?

I stay quiet for now. I really still don't know how to handle all of these changes myself. But shit, I better start taking up for myself soon!

Really?

Walking my Path...learning my Path, one step at a time.

Just, one minute please...

Excuse me, for just one minute please...May I please say what is really on my mind? The freedom to ask the questions I keep and have kept hushed away inside...

...may I ask with-out shame or state my words free of fear of someone playing, "Here Come The Judge"...if you're about my age you'll remember the skits, although, I really did not write it for the humour. For all of me, it is as it is written, here come da judge(s). I am so truly offened and disgusted by them who are so quick to play the judge...while along keeping their truths and/or un-truths tucked neatly up their...robe of judgement.

I see you looking at me with different eye orbs. With my one-good-bad-ear, I can still hear you speaking to (not with) me or your whispers become an insult...almost as if being talked act...as I have seen folks do to children...how you still grow bitter with a request for a repeat.

Perhaps because of the loss of one senses and the decline of another, Auto-teach went into affect. I was born blessed with pretty good senses...abundant. With-out them, I would not have survived childhood.

Have noticed that I am naturally learning to read peoples lips, almost if by accident. Another sense that has been enhanced is my intuition becoming acutely sharp and adapting. Also, having this realization settle in proper that reading Body Language, for me is another form of communications...another language...

Can you really feel it?

Disrespect cuts to the white meat when one is the recipient...to the bone when it is Relations who speak with bad breath and don't have ears.

Walking the Path...walker-style, one step at a time,
Mario

25 November 2010

Here in America, today is Thanksgiving Day.

I have not participated in the American celebration most of my life. It has never made sense even in childhood to celebrate the genocide of the Peoples Here Before...the Spanish, the English, the French...the white people, with white diseases, murder, white relegions, greed...white ways.

Even when, as a child there was not much to be happy for...thankful for. I was pre-occupied with survival...surviving. Although not pre-occupied today, I continue to live the life of a survivor and Warrior! I must.

Today, I Honor the gatherings of People who are of Relation. Today, I share my Thanks to God, my Great Spirit. Not a religion's God, and share my Thanksgiving's with them who are near and dear...with them afar. With them who have Crossed before me and with those I've yet to meet.

I am Thankful for my life today. Am Thankful for my wife and daughter's, my sister's and brother's, my neice's and nephew's...I am thankful for my Abuela, Tia's and Tio's, my hundreds of Cousins and am so Thankful for ALL of my Relations!

My Heart is full. I have shed my tears of sorrow for them not here and for them too far...

God Bless All Relations...God Bless America!

No Changes, If I May, Today

If I were to be asked to edit earlier entry I would decline...

...there would be absolutely no changes. At all.

Just sayin'...tellin' truth too, en'it?

Tonight, I listen to beeps and beep-beepity-beep-beeps, in my left ear...my right is active with the Critters Of The Swamp. Loud too...I am dizzy and nauseated. Tonight I rest and in the morrow...

...I've got to keep Walking My Path.

Really. Mario

If I May? Today...

Visited with He Who Touched My Brain today. I acknowledged, I have felt him look into my Soul. He has been the only one permitted there in a life time....I mentioned this only because I observed him doing it today...

...the out-come of our gathering was not as nice a visit as I would've hoped for, but, what it did do was almost empowering. To have "the" validation from the tests, the conversation's, the connections, all in a matter of two hours...has changed my look on Life. It has sunk like lead weight in my Core, to know that I am not mad. That there are reasons for the things I'm experiencing...every day of my life. Like today.

What the going's on's all about is me getting on the same beat as all and who-ever is a member of my Health Care Status Team . Whether it be with my Family, my Medical Health Care , Mental Health Care, Insurance Connection Team...The One Far Away, an awesome young person who has gone the extra FEW miles with and for me, and now, my Legal Matters Team, Them Who Know The Law...we talked today. The care, love and respect provided me is beyond my words...

...I am a blessed and fortunate one to have so many people who look up to me, instead of down, as I think...blessed to have them who listen and am honored when I am heard...

There is an ugly cold and dark figure with-in me that has me wrapped up in a cold and dark place...despite of, such blessings...I ask,am i worthy?...

...it is maddening, to see and know that I was once to provide...

...and now I'm not. I am silent in shame...

...a walker I used, today.

...kept Walking My Path...

p.s. I am compelled!

Falling Forward: Falling is no FUN Part II

This past Friday, which was the 12th day of November, I fell forward from the commode as I was raising upward, I went head first into the rest room door and kept myself from falling onto the floor by bracing myself with my head. My hands were holding my clothing and I pulled them up while leaning onto the door, as my balance was an issue. There were issues that came about/popped up on Saturday. I awoke with severe lower back pain and aches in my shoulders. I do have issues with my cervical spine and lower back, so I wonder if I just had a domino affect. Also, that afternoon I had a constant droaning sound in my right ear. I can't even think of a better word for it. Because that's the way it sounded. It sounded like this, drooooooooooooooan - droooooooooooooooan, LOUD and lasted for hours...drooooooooooaning so loud I HAD to ask my wife if she was hearing it herself. Sadly, it was from within. The droaning kept me awake well into the wee hours of Sunday morning. Had never heard or had such a sound from within my ears...hope to never ever have to listen through that again.

Yes, I took my medications as directed...

My right-good-bad-ear has had an increase in the frequency of total silence. When it happens, I sit or lay there and listen to the silence. I know my hearing has been compromised and hearing seems to be getting worse with every passing day...I am terrified that one day my hearing will simply stop. I am mortified. My right ear also continues to inflate to what feels like there's something wanting to expel from within. The voices in my ears have become extra active this past 72 hours...as are the beeeeeps and another new sound is door bells! I hear what I think is a door bell and every time I do - I go check the front door. I mean really, as if somebody has rang my door bell and awaits my arrival...these are loud and clear as day...hell, clear as the bleeding sound of my door bell!

EVERY time one of these symptoms "pop" up, the anticipation and anxiety of an impending vertigo attack goes into affect...High Alert.

...so I wait and yet, I keep moving.

Keep Walking my Path...

...I've got to...

Had P.T. Today...The Gloom.

Had made contact with my Miss. P.T. She forgot to call me about changes. Today we had P.T., even though symptoms were running a bit on the high side. She came to my house to assist me with getting some damn good therapy on and we did. Bygones.

Today has been a difficult day with the sweating as-if-I've-tasked-in-the-yard bad, extreme nausea and the freaken dizziness. Non-productive nausea, there have been times when I was certain, but none, thankfully...

...today the sounds in my skull have been obnoxious...I have The Cure on the stereo with hopes of distracting the sounds from within..not working as well as I had hoped. Crickets the size of sparrows in my right-good-bad-ear and beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeps in my left Deaf ear. No Morris Code today, just really long beeeeeeeeeeeps. What am I to do? I don't know. Today, there have been tears...there were tears last night and I am certain to shed some later on. It's as if crying has become a part of my daily life style. As a daily shower is daily.

Yes, today, I have taken all medications as directed. To include ibuprofin to assist with the neurontin, for my nerve pain. Well, hell, isn't this a crock of dung, something has just come to my reasoning and that is, nerves from all over my body & mind are off balance, en'it? Lord.

There is something I need to get out off my chest real quick like...on this Tuesday past, I had prepared myself for punishment. It has been such a long time coming! No, I did not go through with my punishment. I wanted to.

I can tell you all now, I do my best to always do my best! With everything that life offers me, I have always given my 100%! For my bride, my daughters, siblings, neighbors...My Coffee House Company.

I feel as if somewhere, somehow I have failed. This failure dwells deep within my center and it has been with me most of my damned life. From the abused child and adolsecent, the damaged, anorexic and confused young man and now, this maddening meniere's in my mid-life.

Today, the gloom surrounds my neck like a cold silk scarf...

Today, even though, I will fight on...

...to Walk my Path.

A No Call - No Show

My Miss. P.T., is a No Call - No Show today.

Back-to-Back days with missed appointments...disappointments.

WTF?

Umm, really?

Is it my breath? No, it's because I'm a mixed blood, en'it?

My Dear Lord, Bless me with strength to know the difference. Please.

Walking my Path...on my knees...

The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound, Part III

Straight off, let me offer my apologies to Relations for speaking in general ways...seems to me I would've known better after all of these years. Sometimes, these wonderful passions that dwell within...

Really, I did not mean to "hate" on anyone or anybody. I am blessed to be surrounded by so many Relations who love me genuinely and unconditionally. You see, folks, I know and understand very well, we all have job's to work, things to do, appointments to make, and live's to live.
What I did share will remain unedited. Hell, I meant what I said. It's because I do know and damn well understand.

Seems to me that maybe sometimes folks say things or make promises off the cuff. I know very well, "we" have have had these kind words and gestures extended at some time, point or another. It's just that I believe in the words folks speak. Um, I remember the words people speak...their promises.

One's words and a hand shake still mean something to me. Hell, I still conduct some business on a hand shake. It's just the way I live now days.

To best sum this up, I say this, I have learned to know that if I give my word to someone, Relation or stranger, I mean it and one could rightly know damn well I will keep it. If I decide to sign a contract with my hand shake - I'll do so, and keep it...

...I have also learned NOT to tell someone who is mourning, ill, or home bound, this, "If you ever need anything", "If I might be able to assist", or "Hey, just call, I'm here any time you need me!". Please.

For me it's personal.

I have sweated most of today, have shed tears, am nauseated +8, am dizzier than usual, slept for 2.5 hours earlier today because of it, and there is a siren from a Canadian ambulance roaring in my right ear. My Deaf Left ear is Deaf Silent at this moment.

My Sweet Lord, Thank You.

Walking my Path, one step at a time...

The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound, Part II

Tonight, my mind, body and spirit's remind me of why it is I go see my therapist, Sir Dude, every week...

...today has not been the same because of todays absence. I have cried a percentage of it away and at about five o-clock this afternoon, I had no choice but to lay down. I suspect, I may have pushed the envelope a bit with the task of touching and cleaning each compact disc in the house. I have had enjoyable times thus far and am truly enjoying the mini memory trips, but is necessary to take several/too many time out's, as I become sweaty, dizzy and nauseated with-in minutes of tasking. Even so, I began work on this task on Monday, have put a tiny dent into what just not long ago, would have taken me an afternoon to complete. It was as if I was overwhelmed with a sudden exhaustion...so I closed my eye orb's a spell.

Making/attending these appointments are important to me, and for me. I take pride in not being late and I do my damnedest to make sure I make every damned appointment on the calender...excuses are difficult for me to speak aloud, so, I put myself in the position to not have to make them. I usually have back up's for the back up's...I struck out.

Not being able to jump in the car to conduct my personal business sucks! I mean, this hurts the ego and is down right embarrassing! I don't give a cat's piss what anybody might say, it SUCKS to beg. I am not eligible for transportation aid yet. So I listen to all the preachers, them-with-two-faces, and I love the "just call" line to deaf.

This has nothing to do with He-Who-Takes-Me, or my In-Law's, or my Little Sister's, She-Who-Is-Married-To-Him and Her-Heart-Is-In-The-Mountains, who have provided me with some splendid tuck-n-rolls, some wonderful coffee stops and excellent converstion...

...this pertains to others who have offered to assist with transport. I won't say I am not angry. It would be such a lie. Hell, I'm angry foremost with my self. I do reckon though, I am more disappointed ,and feel obligated to listen and to see the perpituation of "That's What Friends Are For". Child please, leave it be that one of them should call me in the morrow with fake ass inspirational messages.

On another medical note, my right-good-bad-ear has had moments of total silence today. The sounds are alive with-in the skull tonight though. The dizziness seems to be getting worse, so I'll say good night.

Pushing the envelope...walking my path

The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound

At one hour prior to my appointment with my therapist, Sir Dude, I am informed by He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, that he had totally forgotten about the talk we had two days ago. He informs me the children are sick and that his wife took the car...

...WELL! HELL FIRE!

This is where I am two hours post conversation...yes, I cried. Not to him, but after we got off the damn telephone. Yes,I cursed aloud for a minute or two, alright, maybe three! Damnit! Then called Sir Dude...called my dear Brenda too.

Have decided that although, I may have had much disappointment and an interruption in my strict, self-imposed rule: #2. "Must be always punctual and maintain perfect attendance"...He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, first off is Kinfolk and is the father of two extraordinary younger Kinfolk of mine, who I love with all my heart and Spirit's and sadly are in fact really ill. My Little Bud's!! He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, has taken me to so very many appointments...he runs on JPT, you see, so I do stress alot about the punctuality piece, but He get's me there. Now, as far as He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, forgetting our talk and confirmation about today, um, well, he is kinfolk.

My therapyst, Sir Dude, returned my call and we had connection via telephone...an excellent connection. Touched base on where I am today, where have I been since last week, went over home work assignments, and he shared words of wisdom. I am thankful to have someone like Sir Dude on my Team...so very thankful.

...am also thankful for He-Who-Has-Taken-Me-Many-Times, for he has in fact taken me many-many times. I am blessed for this...him being the Pa of them two Lil' kinfolk is bonus.

Bygones.

I have no choice but to chalk this one up as, The Unfortunate Business Of The Home Bound...

...Walking my Path.

p.s. I have 7,777 self imposed rules.

...crying...

I have not been awake one hour and one half this beautiful clear skyed morn and the crying has already started...this has not stopped for the past one hour. Or since my Bride pulled off to work, really. I love her so very much. She's working so hard to take care of me and my goofy half deaf ass! What am I to do to help her! These bills don't stop coming or our responsibilty does not become any less because someone takes ill...

...so, I sit here sobbing silently so as not to upset our hounds. My left eye orb still doesn't work properly, with relation to tears, it's 25% to my right eye's 100%. Sometimes, this affects my crying, but on a morning like this one, not so much. It's the eye orb that knows it cries. Just more slowly than the other. A consequence of a sugery a bit over one year ago. My lazy left eye...

...I am afraid and scared and horrified of losing any more of my world as I've known it. So much so, I pray to God to help me get my me back. So much has already been lost due to this meniere's disease and the all that is meniere's. It very truly hurts a man's heart and Spirit's when one has lost his meanful and gainful wages of employment due to illness. I think a chunk of the pride piece gets lost too. Even though, I've tried hard not to look at it like that. Being a prideful thing. I can't help it, I suppose.

Savings are tapped into...Bonds are sold...Shares of stock are sold. So much has been sacrificed time and time again, for an illness I would really rather not have.

I am a man who can not run. Or walk without aid...I am a man who can not drive a car or ride a bike/trike. I am a man who wants what every man wants for his wife and family. I am this man being the shell of the man he once was. I'm too young for this.

There's something not right with this picture.

This morning, I am up and awake. My Miss. P.T., will be here any moment. It is time to go to my closet and pick out a nice looking face.

Maybe today, I crawl on my Path...

Walking My Path

I am have difficulty with sharing what I'm about to share tonight. I am embarrassed by somrthing that sounds so absurd and irksome all in one same breath. At this moment, it doesn't matter who uttered these words. It's the where-what-the-with-all, and how this was expressed. Via telephone. No shit. I will digest them and wrap my head with them, then I'll speak with her...

It has been reported to me today that being Deaf and Hard of Hearing can no longer be an excuse...I was told earlier today, me being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse...

...being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse.

?

Yes, I've shed some tears today...on more than one occasion. Not a one from these words though. There's this gut feeling pushing me towards a little follow up. As in asking from which way was the wind blowing when these words were expressed. Perhaps a bad day at work? Or maybe some of this or some of that? I don't know. This is something that will lay still in my Spirit's...for a minute or a few.

The sounds coming from my right ear are high loud and have been a cruel form of torture for alot of the day. The sounds of a huge waterfall has been pouring in my ear hole! My left deaf ear has been picking up Morris Code or some Top Secret communique from Cairo, for what seems like hours since it started. I am dizzy, sweating and nauseated as I type tonight. The pattern of much sleep continues...yet, it is my hope to continue staying awake more with each passing day. With-in the next few minutes, I will be back to sleep. For good rest. I will have P.T. in the morning.

My nesting is wanting to return...I have started with going through my compact disc collection to clean them, place them in order of genre, and then chronological order. I reckon there will be more than a few that I'll be able to sell or trade. More like sell, I hope. That's Financial Matters and we have not even gone there yet. Oh, Lord.

In all that is now and present, I do my best to make an ugly and unpleasent situation (meniere's disease & related) as positive as possible. Not only for me, but for those who cross my Path. Them who are a part of my team. I continue to push the evelope good and plenty hard...this Path, takes nothing less from me...or I of myself.

...to have to hear those words, "being Deaf and Hard of Hearing is no longer an excuse"...

...reminds me that Walking My Path with my chin up is paramount... similar to Walking In Beauty...which is where I ultimately want to be.

For the present, I'll live life one day at a time. One breath, one step and one sentence at a time.

Walking My Path

A Rain Forest

Turn back the clock night! 07 Nov.,2010. Turn back the clock night!

For us here in Central Florida and the Gulf Coast, it's 54 degrees outside and fifty anything degrees F., outside this time of year is ridiculous. No really, just utterly ridiculous! Although, I have always enjoyed the cool of Fall or the cold of Winter...I am a Child of the Fall, see, so I suppose it makes plenty sense...but, folks here are pulling out the parkas, hoodies, leather, fur and chimney's burning logs? Right...folks spark an early Christmas shopping rush at Beall's.


I continue to cry daily, sometimes several times a day. There have been times of an out pouring of uncontrolable weeping, sobs, and on occasion sounds, that come from with-in my Spirit's...that sound Wolf like...as from the gut and the throat. Most of my crying is very private...it is private.

At this moment a Rain Forest surrounds the folds of my brain...the sounds of crickets, frogs, and the night bird...it is so loud and clear tonight, I can differentiate their songs and sounds and am able to pick up gator in my back yard...LOUD, LOUD!

...hold it please, while on the topic of the folds of my brain, I am uncertain as to whether I have mentioned that my Doctor-With-All-The-Tools, is the only person to touch my brain. Ever. My Dear Good Doctor, touched my brain to make way for a snip-snip. In a Spiritual way I am connected to Doc. In an extraordinary way, he let my brain come into contact with the very air we were breathing...he touched my brain! I don't know too many folk who have had their brain touched by somebody...I don't know any body now that I think about it.

In my right ear there is an increase in the puffing affect as if my right ear is puffing full...these are bothersome and remind me time and again about my last surgery. I also go into instant stand by with concern of vertigo attacks. I have had what sounds like an old Air Raid siren in my right ear on and off for two days. There also continues to be momentary total loss of hearing...and yes. it has been reported. Really?! Momentary total loss of my damn hearing!!

At this moment my nausea level is a -6 and my dizzines level a 6. Other than very sharp stabbing pains on the left side of my skull, every once in a while, I have no pain.

I have been compelled to sleep more the past three days. Sort of like shutting things down or off for a spell. They're not planned. Sleep time and Dream World come when time comes. Many times, I reckon, my body over-rides and just closes shop.

Am wanting to nest again!!

Walking The Path...
...Mario

...grace...

The Pony I ride today is brown with patches of white, one patch that looks like a thunder bolt on his left haunch/rear end, up high near his tail...he is strong and is holding me well. I want to take him on a run and go fast.

The rains and cool weather are approaching us from up North of here. Not so cool at this moment, but there is plenty wet from the rains - sometimes torrential down pours. I am thankful and Mother Earth here on the preserve is pleased, as the grass and pine tree...all of our plant life have suffered from a rather long dry spell. I am so very thankful. Yes, I am a tree hugger. Am a member of PETA maybe twelve or so years too.

The noises in my head are very loud tonight...Vietnam War era helecopters circle about within my right-good-bad-ear...the steady whooomp-whooomp-whooomp-whooomp. Yes, I know there's a third "o". I added it because this is what I am hearing - "right" now at 1148 pm Thursday evening. I am dizzy +7 and nausea +5. Earlier today, I heard a voice from behind me. Please, I am home alone. I had to brush it off, let me brush it off.

I had to take a mid-day nap earlier this afternoon. I had cried myself into an exhausted state of being. Slept for close to four hours...a sleep so deep, I had to fight to awake. I wonder if this was remnets of last week's attack. I don't know. Have cried off and on this afternoon and tonight while Brenda has been home. Some of these tears were shed out of fear and saddness as I had been informed someone of Relation had a stroke and it was required he go to hospital. Prayer requests were sent out. He is someone my family and I have just been reunited with along with my dear Aunt and cousins back in July. Honestly, I was so afraid for Uncle and all of his family. We just reunited back in July! My Mom's Clan. I love them so very dearly...and by the way, Uncle coming back strong!

Today was a grey and rainy day all day...a fitting day for a good cry or few, no matter what the issue. Grey days remind me of the coffee houses I worked with...cried about all those folks who crossed my path...it still hurts my spirit to know that my coffee company had to release me. Still have not been able to wrap this around my head. And to release me while out on a disabilty leave due to a disease I did not invite into my life cuts deeply...

...my apron and ball cap sit in the same spots I placed them the day I came home from work after I had a fall. They remind me of the joy I used to have in my center doing what I did. I have always enjoyed being a part of the energies and enviroment we would create at the stores. One thing I will say with open honest heart, I worked for this company for many a year. Had some terrific times and met so many wonderful people - doing what I do best - share my passion with so many like-minded and kindred.

I walk this Path, with passion for life and peace. I pray for world peace and pray for them hungry and without shelter. I pray for my own forgiveness. I pray and weep for what my eye orb's see and what I hear in my one ear hole. I walk this path in search of humble grace with every step I take...and then it is, I should share the gifts of visions and understandings.

The sights, thoughts, sounds and dreams are all different now. Oh God, Yes, I still have passion in my center...it's just that's not me in the mirror! Oh my Dear Great Spirit!!

Walking the Path, giving my pony a rest...

love, peace and grace,
Mario

Folks, I read a dictionary...+ a note to Santa

As of early this afternoon, I am now able to say that for the first time in my life, I have read a dictionary. From the letter A,a, through the letter Z.z. Read every word, every definition and proper pronunciation.

Thus, the title of this entry. Folks, I read a dictionary. Oh yes, I did. It was "The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary," and it was a true reading experience. I found incorrect spellings. Incomplete definitions, words within definitions that the "dictionary" did not have definitions for. I found a racially twisted definition and definitions that were more like justifications or printing vague definitions.

This experience was and is a truly different reading material for me. I did enjoy it and I even highlighted special words or definitions, and yes, the errors too. I had to. So, it's like this: I did say I enjoyed it, but I am irritated as all get out with the way my customer satisfaction is concerned.

I purchased this book to read and learn. I did...but I did not, en'it?

...Now I want more...maybe if I'm a good boy Santa will bring me one for Christmas. Oh, Santa! If you see this blog/note, I have been a good boy! No, REALLY! And all I want is a dictionary I can read, enjoy and learn from. Please, Santa, not one of those that weigh so dang much I might could pull a muscle in my back...you know which ones I'm talking about Santa! I miss you very much! I will see you real soon!

Walking the Path...

...it's only me, Mario

Thoughts of this morning...

...I think it's me...

Had a visit with my Mr. Psych this morn, which is a visit that's usually way too brief, but I suspect Doc took an extra few for me today. I am thankful. In my core there was a need for this that I was clueless about...until I left and have had a while to digest our exchange...our talk.

We went over all that Sir Dude and I spoke of yesterday...almost an hour of FYI all crammed up into twenty or so minutes! Usually it's like that too! But today, time seemed to ease up on me for a spell...so much said, so many emotions, so much heard, so much stirred...so much talk.

The past two mornings have been very productive...much has been accomplished. I would like to believe, but damn, too much talk!

While at Dr. Psych's office, I felt as if there was some form of vacuum attached to the underside of my chair draining and pulling my energies down and away. I left there feeling subdued and spent and actually in a different place (inside) than when we arrived for my visit. Oh yes, we had a productive talk.

There's this piece or part of me that believes I dropped the ball again. Today. Did I take my all to the plate. Oh God, I want to believe I do and that I did this morning! Me and my talk...

...it's me...

...thoughts on the morning...

This morning was a well-paced therapeutic journey, with my morning starting early and prepared for Miss. P.T...we did push the physical me, which provoked symptoms of dizziness, nausea and perspiration, as if I had just completed a quick jog to the corner to catch the ice cream man and back - which is a sad situation en'it? I can't run. Once I caught my breath and balance, I felt good and positive energies...to work and push muscles that have grown too placid...to feel my muscles. What? But now, I contemplate, did I really push the envelope? Was there more I could have done...why didn't we take a walk about? Why didn't I assert myself and ask why not? We'll walk about next session. This I am certain of.

Sir Dude, my Mental Health Care Team Member, was able to see me with a right away approach and we had a good session. There was something, though, that kept it from being an excellent visit and session. I feel I missed out or something slipped in my skull that did not get worked on...or at times was not there in mind, spirit, and body...my energies scattered. I feel as if I have left my Sir Dude thinking (and I thinking) that I could have done more to push and work it. The heavy sense of disappointment is beating a drum in my heart...sending me a message, and I'm positive this will be translated soon. This was my bad. Not Sir Dude's. I know he came ready and prepared. Even got me in session a bit early and we had a very good exchange. There was something I did not take to the plate and I'll figure this shit out.

Alright then, Sir Dude assigned homework, and I will look up and read daily Native American prayers, my prayers, and pray to remember there are millions of folks out there dying every day from their diseases...all over our Earth Mother, everyday! I will pray to remember to be thankful for where I am on this trail...I will pray, too, for my relations to have patience with me, and pray that I too will learn to have more patience with I and I. Oh, Lord.

Dr. Psych and I will meet in the morrow at eleven.

I thank them both...my Mental Health Care Team mates...and me, Mario

Six Days On, En'it?

Today has been a good and peaceful Sunday, 31 October 2010. After having been down in a post-vertigo-attack sleep of well over one hundred hours, I felt awake this morning, and was really not going back to bed. The certainty of this carried on with me the remainder of the day and am now well into the night.

With the back and at him's, that I am up and at 'em...the gloom and despair stirs and surrounds my very being with this draining of my energy, as when water drains into a gutter...I am exhausted yet my body pushes me on. I press rewind on my mind's VCR and watch and listen to the life I have had for the past three years...lots of other stuff has stirred too. I am trying to be so positive, but this bad medicine is sickening.

...I called the 211, last night. I don't remember the time. I just knew I needed to connect with some other human/person/spirit and listen to a different voice of reason. My bride was sound asleep, as were my daughters. I am not comfortable with the idea of waking them for Daddy's Issues, dig? Amy, thank you for listening.

Even though today is Sunday, I called both my therapist and my psychiatrist. Was able to speak with my therapist, Sir Dude. Listening and hearing his voice disengaged some energies growing uglier by the minute within. That's so not me...I am the one folks call whenever their lives hit pot holes on the Trail! Anyways, Sir Dude will call me in the morning to go over openings for a quick git'er done! I know it's the right thing to do. Just as it is the same with seeing my Dr. Psych. Sir Dude, thanks for listening!

My P.T. Lady called and confirmed tomorrow's therapy for the "physical" me. Exercise and balance/coordination exercises. I am looking very forward to this visit. Last week's vertigo attack was the first to erase an entire week of appointments. For this I am embarrassed. What is there for me to say? Are my utterances even heard? ...

Before I type much more, let me share a memory with you, real quick. I failed my first year of Grade Two. Right here in Tampa. I was diagnosed as being a "hyper-active" child...and sedated. Immediately. A real live child on adult medications. It was also right about this time I developed asthma, which required daily injections and pills and tablets...

...See, this whole process is something that runs through my veins...the poisoning began bleeding decades ago. Look, folks back then didn't communicate too fucking much. Or read, because I must have been a pretty good candidate for the Boy Poster Child with respect to being the sexually abused/raped/incested child that was screaming for help. But no one listened...no body heard, because these folks did not have ears. Nor eyes, because I dared not speak it; but shit, I sure was a silent screamer...had to be, you see.

I bring up the medicines of early childhood because I think it important to see how far I have not come from childhood. I never took pills/tabs/capsules for recreation. I didn't have to. I begin to open up about the life I have lived and am living and the life I want to live, because I suspect somehow, maybe even on a DNA level, all of this is related, somehow connected. Yes, I do.

Today was a wonderful day to be alive and it would've been just as wonderful a day to die.

I'm just being honest, en'he?

Walking The Path...

What about now?

Was stirred at five forty-five late afternoon...I know that if I were to return to bed I would sleep. Sleep so deep I dream...

Have slept more hours than I care to think about right now, so I won't.

It's deep in here right now...in my dream world, in my world when awake...it's dark up in the matter of brain where my thoughts of beliefs and love and understandings and memories reside...where I live.

Attached...detached...distracted...dark...

Okay, right about now?

May I Wake Up Now?

I ask if it might be okay for me to wake up for a spell. Have slept so much that I am exhausted and want to go back to sleep. Am I sleeping myself to death? Am I going to hell?

Today is Friday, 29 October, 2010. Have slept so much it would require that I grab my golden calculator to add or multiply or divide or figure what would the square root of too much be...it would inform me I have slept well over sixty hours. Is this a sin? Should I be punished? Am I going to hell? Remember the movie "Seven"?

Woke up just a few minutes ago. It is 12:25 p.m. Am thinking I should return to my Safe Place and return to sleep...so I don't have to be awake to feel these symptoms or think of these things dashing through my brain/mind or listen to anything/anyone/anyhow/anyway.

NO! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SLEEP!! YES, I DO! NO, I DON'T!!

SHHHHHHHHIT!!! SHHHHHHHHHit!!! Shhhhhit!! Shhit! Shit! Shit! shit...

Meniere's Disease, Psyche Manifest Psychosis, Part IV

Have been asleep and disconnected, for the majority of Life since Monday...forty plus hours. This Meniere's Disease is so damned stupid...

...My body, muscles, joints and knuckles feel pained and ache as if I have just been beaten up good and proper...as in an old fashioned ass-whooping that I deserve...Karma?

Woke up this afternoon by the recorded voice of a politician who made an ass of himself on The CNN...must have been something that turned me all sideways, because it was then that I decided to get up from that mattress, even if but for a few minutes...say greetings to them reading these words. Have grown weary of the Cyber-Socials...I suspect a change approaches. But then, I don't know how much longer or lesser a duration... these cyber-social places have helped me keep in touch with folks. I hate this separation! This exile! Wait, how about the medications?...pills, capsules, tabs and chemicals....my memory serves me far too well...even with the scars of these thousands of pills and medications.

...My Path has had similar forks come my way before. So many...whether it was to be as it was to be or not...I kept on walking. I had to.

As a wee little boy being taught how to do things unrelated to being a wee little shit, being taken to baseball practice and baseball games by a man who made me do things unrelated to baseball for years. He lived two doors down from us...as a 9 year old, being approached from behind by a cigar smoking old son-of-a-bitch, at the Casino in Ybor City. The rape and sexual abuse from childhood stopped in 1978. It had to. My memories still serve me just too damn well...

...back in the 1980s when I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and at the time, being the only male on record with this disorder, in all of Miami. The therapies, the pills, and such...then the Bulimia, in the late 80s and early 90s to help ease my way back. Oh, it was so damn painful and dreadful to see myself gain back so much weight so fast...

Then the years of self abuse...putting myself in harm's way in so many different ways, sex, herbs, and hashish while in Germany, some rock and roll - not much though, and subjecting myself to punishments that I thought fitting...for someone like me.

...All of this preceded the coming out of the sexual abuse I mentioned earlier... which brought along with it the memories, therapy and groups...a whole new set of them medications, pills, syrups and such...yes, damnit, my memory serves me far to fucking well...


A little self-observation please; I have noticed that my ego and I visit very bleak and dark places post-vertigo attack. My Dear Lord.

...have slept approximately forty hours since Monday...I must return.

Whatever has been written, has been written. I am sorry for being here. I am sorry for going there...I just wonder how much stronger can I be? I am so sorry because I must say, I wish you a blessed and peaceful day...knowing I'm about to eat some pills and go back to sleep.

It's just me and my Psyche Manifest Psychosis, Ole, Mario.

p.s There is not an instruction book that accompanies me on my Path. I walk forward with my face upright. Forks and roundabouts are part of my journey here on Earth Mother. I know I have fought many battles and many a war from within, it is as a piece of thread to connect a piece of fabric to another...my life before my eye orbs and my right-good-bad-ear reminds me I am a Survivor and a Warrior. So, I move on. Please, you all don't fret none. It's just me and my memories.

Vertigo Attack on a Monday Afternoon.

Seems like it has been several hours ago, six or so, when this nausea, noises, dizziness, bad sweats and holding on to my innards came about...I am certain and reckon I did have a vertigo attack earlier this afternoon. Have slept a larger portion of today than I would like to share, but then this appears to be my Meniere's MO.

I had full left-ear sensations earlier today, which just does not make sense. There are none of the parts that could create this symptom. My right ear has been swelling and popping as if I had been swimming...for hours and yet, have not been in the pool for weeks. Yet, still another oddity...the last surgery was to have assisted me with these full right ear sensations. I wait.

I did revert to an ole eating disorder secret I had years ago, in attempt to curb this bleeding nausea. I failed. The nausea is present with urgency.

As is the dizziness. I feel a band of dizziness around my inner head...a constant reminder to watch every step...navigate every turn on purpose...keep the night lights on. A dizzy person?

I feel the perspiration slide down my back...I am still and can see the wet spots on my grey t-shirt. I am in an air-conditioned house and am sweating as if exposed to the humid night out of doors. I have perspired more today than I have in a spell. If this does not ease up...I am uncertain as to what to do. Call and hold hands with my doctor or his assistant. I eat the pills, capsules and chemicals.

"Oh, isn't he such a fine patient." "Always so kind."...while all along, I look in the mirror...every day and see the who-I-was then to the what-the-fuck? today...damn near every-damn-day.

I am listening to crow-sized Cicadas in my right ear...so loud! So obnoxiously loud! I want to scream! If I scream loud enough will I stop hearing these foiken cicadas! If it was not for my Bride and hounds all asleep I would try. Think I'll yell and scream later...in the morn!

Have noticed that if I keep my mouth closed about these things, folks tend to leave me be. I am alone right now. Down right lonely too. Maybe if I stop talking about this disease and what the fuck it does to me...maybe folks go on and just leave me alone.

Yeah, I know...

...nesting...

As Fall ever so slowly approaches us here in the Deep South, I have this emerging urge to nest. Please don't ask and I don't know...

I have gotten on my hands and knees to scrub the tub AND toilet in mine and Brenda's cave...scrubbed the sink and vanity(yes, I did say vanity). What? Wiped down my too large of a collection of oils and scents, gathered and packed all unneeded medical supplies and medications. Well, actually, I bagged them...but anyways, I have purged myself of "stuff" that is simply not needed or not used. Honey yes, I have a To Be Donated box open and ready...we donate to the ACRC. I hope no one gets pissed that I should say who I donate to, and if I have pissed someone off, oops, it's Happy Hour down at the pub. Lawdy, I digress! I have one of those huge garden bags just about full of rubbish. Questions...Does a house lose weight when purged of excess? Does dust reproduce? No. Really. I've seen spots here that the dust has become some sort of community. Folks politicizing here with their little posters...

Look, I don't know why I'm nesting. I don't understand. No, I'm not pregnant, not to the best of my knowledge anyways. Kinfolks would say and think I had one just because my niece just had a baby boy this week...may be I just want to help my bride, maybe I feel the want to tidy and task, maybe it's the wish to purge...to eliminate...I don't know. Yet.

This is what I do know, I now return to the task and tidy...prepare for the Winter ahead...soon it comes. It's going to be a cold one...

peace, love and understanding,
It's me, Mario!

p.s. Pushing The Envelope!!

...here comes the night...

The night is thick with darkness out of doors. The bright stars and soon-to-be full Moon provide the only light here on the preserve. The night bird sings her song of sorrow and I ache for her in my Spirits...it is said the night is darkest right before sunrise...tonight, I'm not so sure.

Sometimes, after I have swallowed my p.m. medications--the ones with barbs, thorns and tacks--I can taste the flavour of mein own blood and drink it as I would a Bloody Mary with extra hot sauce to make my throat scream for mercy. How many different medications am I eating? I forget. Some work - some do not - all have some sort of broken glass or something sharp attached.

On occasion, one of these medications--the one with the double-edged razors, the one that is prescribed to ease the noises in my head--fails me. So I listen. Tonight, I listen to the Brazilian Rain Forest, with crickets that sound as if these are the size of the panthers that roam the forest floor...there is a 727 parked in my back yard that has been prepared for take off the past hour or so, but it goes nowhere. Like the helicopters last night and the HONK!! and blasting of a cruise ship anchored in my pool...all are my guests, you see. All are guests...

The noises in my left ear are so clear and are what I perceive to be audible; yet are all some sort of false feedback from a prior time...a time when I did listen and hear with it. Today, I still do, but I don't really.

I want to smoke a cigarette, but I don't smoke.

My dear doctor has informed me that hearing voices is something that some patients with Meniere's disease deal with, that it is not unheard of, and patients have been known to hear entire conversations. Yet, my dear doctor does advise that I do mention it to my Mental Health Care professionals. So I will. Hearing and listening to voices in between my ears is nothing new for me...talking about it is.

By the way, no, I do not conversate with myself.

Really?

What Does Forever Mean? What?

If what you say is nothing is forever, then why does it seem so in my skull...between my ears. Between the one that is deaf and the one that is my right-bad-good-ear. Makes me wonder how I've made it from there to here.

I want to be one with the hemisphere...spread my wings as wide as these wings will open and take me to a place far from here. Not over there or out-there or somewhere or somehow - just let me get out of this fear.

Sho you right that I've got the rest of my days to live, but what's right with living when one can't hear. Listen to silence while I wait for the next spinning cycle in my brain to engage and lay with me down here...

...which gives me all the time in this whole wide world to think of the different ways I can hurt myself...harm myself. To cut, pierce, slice or shear.

What? I haven't said anything that isn't clear. What? Maybe listen sometime...listen to the sound of a tear...that has fallen off my face and is now away from here.

What?

Grade A Therapy, Just Me and the Dude...

I had not visited my Mental Health Professional in roughly two weeks due to health issues Monday morning 04.October.2010, and then the vertigo attack that evening kept me in medical exile much longer than usual. To top this off, this week there were situations and issues providing high stress and anxiety for me to make today's appointment. Fortunately, all went well, and my brother-in-law was able to drive me to and from. I knew too damn well not to miss this appointment...two weeks or more without therapy is not a good thing for me. Waiting that long between visits was too taxing...perhaps too dangerous.

Anyways...I made it for the session, and my Dude, my therapist, was ready and had his Game Face on. It was all in the way he spoke and conducted the session, I suspect. But let me share that once the ball got to rolling, all-the-good-goodness-mental-liquid-poop hit the fan! From every direction, Honey! It got quite messy and stinky up in there....I cried from the gut, heart, mind and Spirits...and time flew as if I had just sat down on my favorite big comfy chair. Oh, my dear Relations, I so went and took it there! No BULL! I took it to this place where it is off and odd limits, and my Dude, he came along with me. That's why I visit my Dude. No, really. Even gave me homework!

#1. I am to coordinate an appointment at the "Y" around the corner and up a block or two from my home for a tour. He has spoken with someone there about what type of therapeutic programs and/or classes for one walking on a Path like mine may participate in...then being chubby on top of that too. Bless his heart, he was so positive and upbeat about it, some of his enthusiasm rubbed off on me...looks like I may be joining the "YMCA," y'all.

#2. Blog more often...

...and #3, is to have my physical therapist have me do outside workouts more often.

Well, I won't even take this any further. There is no need in going into subject matter. True? One thing I will share is my shoes feel a bit more comfortable today. Have to give the Dude an A+!

Today is a good day to die. It is also a beautiful day to be alive.

Thank you God!

Meniere's Disease, Psyche Manifest Psychosis, Part III

I would love to be all present, calm, and positive about the all that there is...not only for whomever may read these words, but most importantly for me, myself and my self-preservation. Things are just not working out too well. Not right now, any damn way! Nor today, the yesterday, nor the yester-month.

For so many years, I have often been the one who is always present, positive, and full of optimism...an optimist's optimist, dig? Even now, there are folks who expect me to conduct and live in such a manner...if I could, I would with true grit.

Let me clarify some things real quick like this...I am a loving Dad to two beautiful, wonderful and intelligent daughters...I am married to my Sweet Georgia Peach/Latina and boyhood girlfriend for over thirty years now. We've been together since we were young teens getting into shit I wouldn't tell my daughters about. Her family welcomed me, and I became part of another whole set of kinfolk who love me as I love them all. Yes, I know and I know very well my sisters and brothers love me as I love them with my heart, mind, and spirits. As this is the way of Relations. (I know my kid brother David is dead, but I bet we still love one another, damnit!)

There is a circle of friends I am very thankful for, folks I am honored to be able to refer to as my Relations. Knowing the love is real and unconditional. Am so pleased to share I have had the opportunity of lifetimes to have been recently reunited with four quality friends...the ones that float in your bloodstream close, like them in my circle, ya know? I am blessed with fantastic neighbors in our neighborhood...even my neighbor from the North and I have established a pleasant kinship...relations.

My relations are doing what it is they must to survive in this society, this world we live in...their lives, their concerns, their children, their occupation and the all that is all in their lives.

Why is it then, that I still cry? Why is it that these medications I take for Meniere's and depression are not working? Why is it that even with so much I have just shared, it can't seem to help me get to a better place? What is this better place supposed to look like? I don't know. Why is it that a company that I was a partner in/of for many years had to release me from something I had a great passion for? Why is it that I miss my work place so much? I miss my peers, our partners and yes, friends established in a company that provided me with an occupation that was not a job...it was a joy.

How is it then, even with a phenomenal health and mental health team but a phone call away, I still cry myself to sleep. Still so lonely! So alone! So afraid! Still feel so unpretty...so unhandsome, if it pleases your thought process. It's all the same-same to me!

It is as if I am an American Eagle who has had his feathers cut short to keep from taking to flight - roped to a wooden post. A bear in a cage. A fox who has his paw clamped in a hunters trap - tearing, and biting and doing his best to reach freedom and hopefully adaptation with the three sure and strong paws.

The sounds in my head are speaking to me now...along with the universe of noises between my deaf left ear and my right-bad-good-ear...now I must listen to voices. Have mentioned noises before, that's why I'm not going there. Just like the constant state of dizziness...it's always there! Just on different frequencies.

Think I need a new Tat. My thoughts are turning against me...memories of the things I did to punish myself back-back in the day...the dreadful things I would do to myself and my body. Being in the position and place of mind to punish all of me. I am exhausted and worn. My thoughts turn to the dark side of me when I'm in this place.

IT'S NOT YOU ALL!!! IT'S ME!!! CAN'T YOU SEE!!!!

It's only me, and my psyche manifest psychosis.

Columbus Day...

Since I was but a wee little turd, I have always detested Columbus Day. I remember the stories from the old people. I will always remember the history I was able to read, and I read them over and over. I still read these books of "American Indian" history...via the eyes and words of them who were here first...First Nations. Some of these books were/are so painfully white-written that it makes me sick knowing it ...yet I read them anyway...looking for a new piece of information, some error, something odd...

What were my ancestors really thinking when they laid eyes on the boats of many different flags, languages, and diseases. Instead of a welcome, let them know they were unwelcomed.

Why have we not ever considered that what was committed onto our peaceful folks of this land was genocide? Entire nations are extinct, as are hundreds of native languages...

Look, I could yackity-yack about this subject forever...raving and ranting. But I won't. I'll simply say and share this from the bottom of my mixed-blood heart and ass...

FUCK COLUMBUS DAY!

Really.
Mario

Attacked In The Night, To Conclude

Since very early Tuesday wee morning, I have probably slept 50 hours and no, I do not feel well-rested, I actually feel the opposite. Was stirred by my RN this afternoon at 4:00 p.m. Since the RN's visit I have fought to remain awake. My BP was low @ 128/82 and my BM's normal..."his" special concerns for me, you see. I had a nice walk-about the back yard this afternoon...a nice pace-about, more like it...just as a Bear paces in his zoo keeper's enclosure. Had talks with the birds, plants and my neighbors. I think that soon I'll be back in bed, but for now I probably need to sit up a spell. Listening to some Miss Grace Jones...she's so adorable!

The dizziness and lack of coordination are very troublesome...used the walker earlier. I sure don't want that to become a part of my future! Shit! Same post-attack rubbish...NAUSEA!, sweats, stutter, etc.

...and at this very moment, I am listening to crickets the size of those huge, scary yellow grasshoppers...they've got to be that big to make this much noise! OH MY GOD THE NOISE! (I really have always been afraid of those grasshoppers, too!) Anyways, this Meniere's is here, and there is not much that can be done about it, besides take my medication as directed--and deal with it, Honey. I continue to experience the swelling and release in my right ear, and also continue to experience the odd tunnel hearing.

One of the most sickening and hurtful symptoms/side effects for me is seeing what this does to my family, neighbors and friends, to "all of my relations." How this BS Meniere's has changed The-All-That-Was-Me is still well and far beyond my simple grasp. I miss contact with my Relations. I miss contact with Folks! I wish more folks phoned me or offer a short trip to the Coffee Shop down the street for a latte or just a "holla" every once and again would be out-of-this-world fantastic!!

Oh yes, post-vertigo attacks are creatures all in and of their own.

Sometimes I lay in bed and think about branding myself...but then this is another subject for another talk.

La Vie en Rose,
Mario

peace to all my relations...

Attacked In The Night, Part II

This is Day Two from the vertigo attack...my entire body, from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet, hurts and aches. I am exhausted and sleepy as if I have not been asleep since Monday night/Tuesday morning's wee hours. Am up and awake just long enough to take my daily medications, have a sip-o-juice, enter a few words here, then back to bed and soon off to sleep.

The dizziness that accompanies the vertigo attacks is sickening. It is cruel and unusual, and I sometimes think I am being punished for past sins and indiscretions...or wonder is it the sins of my father. I wonder and contemplate this often...

...Yet the dizziness is something that I am having to learn to live with. It stays and lives within me every-damn-day of my life. It is as if I am very truly in an all-out war against this dizziness and disease. Some days are not too bad; some days are worse, and then some days are so bad I just stay in my safe place - where I can't get hurt, won't be harmed, or assumed a drunk; here in my safe place, I will not get stared at as if I was a grotesque creature/person from the Carnival.

I have said enough. My mind and body direct me to get away...

peace, Mario

Attacked In The Night

Between 1:50 and 1:55 this morning I had a vertigo attack. Just a wee bit prior, I suspected something was going on in mine skull, when I was provided with the notion that I best get to bed. First was a very, very loud honk, as if blasted by a semi-truck parked in my back yard. Oh. This was loud. I have had a spectrum of noises and sounds linger, but there was something way different with the Honk-Honk. I then experienced some form of tunnel hearing, as if listening through a large straw. So odd, but so real.

As I gathered my book, highlighter and pen, my right ear seemed to fill with something, like air in a balloon, then very shortly after felt a release of whatever was in there - ear farts? My balance and coordination became strained and way off-center.

Just as I entered my room, a flush of warm temperature rushed through my veins, body, brain and mind. I was on my bed and in my safe place next to my pictures of Jesus, when within a few moments my room and my life became a violently spinning-out-of-control, dreadfully ugly place. I refrain from the use of profanity which I so want to use right now. The Nausea Odometer was at an 8, and was non-productive.

My bride slept on next to me, and I could hear her breath. I held on to her hand until both our hands became moist with perspiration. I finally had to wake her so I could hear her voice. I needed to hear her voice! As my world whirled out of control, my bride provided me with medication that "assist" me in these situations. We spoke briefly and continued to hold hands. I watched and tried to focus...am I supposed to wear glasses during a vertigo attack?

Round about 4 a.m., the spinning subsided enough that I was able to begin to collect myself...last I looked at the clock, it said 4:45.

Had to cancel PT and RN today. Will call in the morrow.

As for now, I'll return to my bed and safe place to drift back to sleep. My entire being is exhausted. My body and mind are sore and aching.
Pardon me, please, as I must go.

peace, Mario

Meniere's Disease, Psyche Manifest Psychosis, Part Two

Earlier today, while in the cement pond doing what I thought was the right thing by kicking with my leg's and force my arm's just under surface for friction, I received a telephone call from my PT person. When I shared with her about my poolercise (my word), she smiled as I could hear it in her voice, but Miss. PT informed, reported, and communicated to me that, nope, I was NOT doing the right thing.

I am not permitted in the cement pond with-out supervision.

No, I did not connect-the-dot's. My goof. Don't ask.

She will be here in just a few hours. I sure hope we have a peaceful and productive session come morning.

Peace...

Meniere's Disease, Psyche Manifest Psychosis

There is not a picture in my mind yet of what it is, My Path, has in store for me as I travel this way...which in my word's and or advice to many individual's whose Path have crossed mine; is quite simply to follow my/your nose...so, simple enough, and a really fine and good direction if one has a destination or a direction on the map on my lap. My Inner-Self, seems lost and confused or in a constant state of unrest.

I have visited places in my head-brain-mind that I had forgotten were up there...tucked away, neatly folded in the crevice's of my brain and the matter that surrounds my brain...my mind...locked up and tucked in with a metal plate. One of the operation's I had called, The Vestebular Nerve Section, required the use of "saw's", to gain entry into my very thick skull...I had hearing memories for weeks! But please, pardon my digress...as a bonus with this operation my Good Doctor, touched and gently made way for the surgery at hand...with his hand. No one had ever touched my brain before...my brain was laid bare and was touched by the air we were breathing...touched by this very special Doctor...as God observed and Blessed the going's on's...

Memorie's, Flash Back's, Smell Memorie's, old one's - new one's, black and white one's and Technicolour one's...almost as if when moved, the ole fellow was stirred up just a bit...

My psychoanalyst has piggy-backed my antdepression medicine with another. I hope we're not playing dart's with the med's...I am unsure as to how I might approach this matter with my doctor. My therapist provides me an avenue with which to communicate, but damnit...my Inner-self is saying I need more than what is being done or not done. What is being said or not said...the TALK's WITH OTHER'S I miss and require as an individual named Me.

My crying is done when I am home alone - which is most of the time and am able to scream into my pillow in solitude...sometime's I'll howl with my loving hound's, Ting-Ting and Chi-Chi...I cry late at night...like now, while my Bride's asleep...

Being SSD and Hard of Hearing is all out depressing! It sucks something really bleeding bad! There have been too many times when I have experianced total silence. My balance is such that a broken bone is more than likely, inevitable. Have been blessed and have walked a fortuitous path over the passed two and one half years. Scrapes, bumps and bruises.

I am not permitted to ride my trike. Unsupervised.
I am not permitted to walk down the street with walker, unsupervised...

...have not driven my car in over one year.

Am slowly becoming afraid of the dark. The Dark is Dark and when silence is so loud it roars in my one-good-bad-ear. The Dark speaks to me...and I try not to listen! I try real hard! There's just sometimes when I am aware and sensitive to so very many energies within my space that sometimes I suspect I am going mad.

Those who were once freind's have scattered like the falling Autumn leaves... I am lonely and alone. Am very lonely and alone...

It's me Mario, and my psyche manifest psychosis.