The loneliness of someone who is accustomed to Center Stage creates a void, heart ache and a loss that is difficult to express when it is lost. Like when the lights are turned off...and the volume of life's sound track is very truly and permanently turned down...sometimes to total silence.
I miss my Coffee Company. I miss my coffee...I miss my "co-workers"...I sit hear now crying over a cup of damned coffee...Oh, how I miss Center Stage!
For me this was the only life I'd known for years...my passion, my being the Center Stage, "OUR" Team being Center Stage, my joy was to work with this fabulous company...with these fantastic folks. I loved what I was doing in life and our customers, our "co-worker's", and our upper management sure had wonderful times along with our teams Oh, good-goodness, our customers enjoyed the atmosphere created for them by a group of folks that really cared about each other...some to become friends for life. Some to fall in love with each other...our Employee number was important to many of us because, for those who had been around a spell, we were able to determine how long one had been with OUR company. OUR customers let us know their approval for what we did for them...we made them one cup of coffee at a time...one customer at a time. Oh, My Dear God, knows the mourning continues. I still have not been able to wrap the concept of being released from my company via three way converstion. I cried like a slobbering idiot on that day for sure...I mean really? Release a person on a mdeical leave?
It's odd how I think back now, to the years building up to the diagnosis of meniere's disease...the tell-tale signs and symptoms of illness...the surgeries, the hospitalizations, pushing and pushing the enevelope to such a point that I was carried out of my store on an ambulance stretcher one afternnon. Because I did NOT know when to stop PUSHING!
Operations, surgeries, medications and went back to work. To soon! I'm told...Surgeries, operations, meds, meds, I went back to work - have a fall, come back to soon! Go back to excile!
November makes one year I lost balance and hearing on left side. The hearing in my right-good-bad-ear, continues to decrease. I have no balance system on my left, so my right attempts to compensate and often times over-compensates...of which, cause confusion, loss of coordination and balance, slips and falls. I walk with the aid of a walker. A two wheeled walker. I want to get some far out tennis balls for the legs in the back of walker. The front has wheels. It's a cool tool. It's an ugly sight, but a super tool.
There can be no blame for any of this. I keep telling myself. There's no blame mon! But I have this problem that it's my fucken disease and I made descions in this life's worth of blame, so it is I to blame. I say, was I listening? What did I miss?
Today was a frustrating day for me. Was unable to sleep off some of this vertigo attack most recent...drama, tears, frustration and more tears. Too much stress from outside that created issues inside. For roughly three hours of today I was engaged with high stressful topics. I tried to rest - I treid to disengage...then early this evening when I went to retire I began to have dreadful stomach issue and thus, resulted in exreme liquid BM. While nauseated...with-gag's, sweating, dizzy and crying. Sobbing. My babes across the lodge...so I cried alone. And cleaned my mess...
Got to go. My body, mind and spirit's request my return to slumber. Sleep it off - sleep it off!! My All Of Me, is exhausted...from the soles of my feet to the tips of my fingers, I ache. Sleep it off!
I may be in excile, I may be Home Bound, and I must be a hideous picture to look at...but dahlin's, I figure I'll be pushing the evelope named My Health, mighty good and proper.
Walkin' My Path, walker style...rollin' along.
And now for something completely different.....Good Night.
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