I would love to be all present, calm, and positive about the all that there is...not only for whomever may read these words, but most importantly for me, myself and my self-preservation. Things are just not working out too well. Not right now, any damn way! Nor today, the yesterday, nor the yester-month.
For so many years, I have often been the one who is always present, positive, and full of optimism...an optimist's optimist, dig? Even now, there are folks who expect me to conduct and live in such a manner...if I could, I would with true grit.
Let me clarify some things real quick like this...I am a loving Dad to two beautiful, wonderful and intelligent daughters...I am married to my Sweet Georgia Peach/Latina and boyhood girlfriend for over thirty years now. We've been together since we were young teens getting into shit I wouldn't tell my daughters about. Her family welcomed me, and I became part of another whole set of kinfolk who love me as I love them all. Yes, I know and I know very well my sisters and brothers love me as I love them with my heart, mind, and spirits. As this is the way of Relations. (I know my kid brother David is dead, but I bet we still love one another, damnit!)
There is a circle of friends I am very thankful for, folks I am honored to be able to refer to as my Relations. Knowing the love is real and unconditional. Am so pleased to share I have had the opportunity of lifetimes to have been recently reunited with four quality friends...the ones that float in your bloodstream close, like them in my circle, ya know? I am blessed with fantastic neighbors in our neighborhood...even my neighbor from the North and I have established a pleasant kinship...relations.
My relations are doing what it is they must to survive in this society, this world we live in...their lives, their concerns, their children, their occupation and the all that is all in their lives.
Why is it then, that I still cry? Why is it that these medications I take for Meniere's and depression are not working? Why is it that even with so much I have just shared, it can't seem to help me get to a better place? What is this better place supposed to look like? I don't know. Why is it that a company that I was a partner in/of for many years had to release me from something I had a great passion for? Why is it that I miss my work place so much? I miss my peers, our partners and yes, friends established in a company that provided me with an occupation that was not a job...it was a joy.
How is it then, even with a phenomenal health and mental health team but a phone call away, I still cry myself to sleep. Still so lonely! So alone! So afraid! Still feel so unpretty...so unhandsome, if it pleases your thought process. It's all the same-same to me!
It is as if I am an American Eagle who has had his feathers cut short to keep from taking to flight - roped to a wooden post. A bear in a cage. A fox who has his paw clamped in a hunters trap - tearing, and biting and doing his best to reach freedom and hopefully adaptation with the three sure and strong paws.
The sounds in my head are speaking to me now...along with the universe of noises between my deaf left ear and my right-bad-good-ear...now I must listen to voices. Have mentioned noises before, that's why I'm not going there. Just like the constant state of dizziness...it's always there! Just on different frequencies.
Think I need a new Tat. My thoughts are turning against me...memories of the things I did to punish myself back-back in the day...the dreadful things I would do to myself and my body. Being in the position and place of mind to punish all of me. I am exhausted and worn. My thoughts turn to the dark side of me when I'm in this place.
IT'S NOT YOU ALL!!! IT'S ME!!! CAN'T YOU SEE!!!!
It's only me, and my psyche manifest psychosis.
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