Season's Greeting's to all...
One week ago today, the 20th of December 2010, my bride took me to the emergency department at our local hospital. It was during this visit I was informed that I had pneumonia and was admitted as an in-patient straight away. Please know and trust that with the exception of the horrors of not being able to breath some symptoms ran parallel with meniere's.
While in hospital, I was provided with a new diagnonis, that of a Suger Diabetic. This is the disease I observed destroy my dear Mom and the one eating away at my bride...it seems cruel in my mind and Spirit's, that I too should be blessed with same - same. Shit! Such a bleeding additional diagnosis! I mean, I think I would have perfered to have had my 'nad's removed than have this piece of dung diagnosis placed on my Medical Records. Shit!
In the morrow, my primary doctor and I will formulate an attack and a plan of action to assist me with this transistion. I am not at all happy about this...perhaps I read the writing on the wall long ago...perhaps my intution whispered this many seasons ago, but I be damned if I ever thought this day would come.
My breathing remains laboured. I follow directions and take these medications as directed...yet, my chest feels hollow and am unable to inhale a great big breath which is so frustrating because all I want to do is breathe...
Meniere's has been a very disgusting and unpleasent passenger the past week. I took a fall while in hospital. My dear nurses swarmed me within moments. What dear nurses I was Blessed with. I was not at all damaged or hurt, although, all that was damaged was/is my pride as a man...a survivor...the warrior?
The sub-lingual anti-this-or-that created such pain in my neck and rendered my neck stiff...as in having to move the whole upper body to turn to the left or right. Also, subjected me to the continuation of unrinary control issues. I swear to my beaten and battered heart that my Mental Health Care team must make proper adjustments. Oh, My Dear Lord, I know I must. Please!
I am feeling surrounded by gloom, doom, and death...Monday of last week got me to the door-way of death. I know this. I was there. Since then, I have had bad dreams and nightmares, panic attacks and bout's with the emotional melt downs. When all I can do to help is cry...it's Liquid Sunshine, remember?
Please, please, please, understand, I must not give in to this bleak and self-punishing thought process...I've got to keep pushing and Walking My Path, with my chin dragging on my Turkish tiled home...tears and crying take my breath away...Oh, what, oh what, is really going on down this Path of mine...
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