i have just heard my alarm clock go off. it's 1601. my alarm is silent. my ear is not.
so i play some music. the genre makes no matter to me. i require sound right now.
listening to Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, or Miles Davis and his trumpet, Stevie Nicks and her extraordinary voice, Grover Washington Jr., James Brown, still keeps it funky for me or Tanya Tucker, reminds me of tunes i enjoyed with both ears. music sounds different when there's one receptacle to the brain and the other one is like screaming at a wall.
i still hold on and listen to what i have. there's a whole bunch of Angels telling me to listen. for example, my wife and her voice, my baby's and theirs. they are Angels, so are The Ohio Players, Madonna, Aerosmith, and Fleetwood Mac - all send me Angel messages. my nephews voices. my Angels, my lil' nieces voices - all are tio's Angels. even though maw and paw say other wise.
sounds are different all around these days. familiar yes, but different.
my super market where shopping is a pleasure, or the store with the big red dots out front often times become mice-maze-like to me. Should I get what I perceive to be as lost, I will often go into an anxiety scenario, so i whistle our family song and wait. when i do not get a response, i do feel child-like and am lost. there have been occasion's when there has been multiple response's - which throws me the fuck off and turned off too. That's when I silence the whistle and wait for a voice...
...then when i hear the voice, which is usually Brenda's, my entire system goes into a search and locate mode. if the area i am in has too many Folk i tend to turn it off and wait for a direct link or connection. this is why i very frequently leave these locales perspiring and tense or dense.
the sounds that are out side of my head also live inside and between these ear holes to the brain.
i have tolerated scoldings, belittlement, embarrassing stares and comments - from kin and others. complete mule-ass strangers.
"why you gotta be so loud?", "why don't you just listen?", "what?". well then, now you know.
meniere's has taken a way of life from me - my job, my ability to drive a car, my ability to ride a tricycle is not available at this time - please leave a message at the sound of the beep. emotions became raw nerves exposed to the elements. some Folks enjoyed playing with them. i saw. listened.
meniere's stole away finances that were had been set aside for our retirement years. i get so fuckin' stressed out sometimes i feel my brain beat to the sound of my pulse.
meniere's let ME see just how many and what kinfolk or kindred are around or about. please. this disease has exposed too much of what life is really all about. there are many in my circle that just don't cut the cluster any more. so, i separate. why associate? yes, them with two faces. trouble.
seen.
meniere's has destroyed a relationship between a doctor and his client. yeah i know. try harder.
meniere's has taken all hearing from one ear. that's the one like a brick wall. my right ear falters and has gone sour. not bad, just bitter i reckon.
meniere's has taught me to adjust and i continue to adjust the best i can. am learning a different life. i want more out of life - so i better get.
i have always enjoyed sounds and noises and music and voices. I know now we associate sound with life and the living. please, i know i sure as shit did and still do. although i still try so hard to do. now i know my listening is not my normal anymore. no more. never more. and all like that...
...folks just don't know honey. don't even try that shit here. not no more, anyway - anyhow.
this is all i want to say.
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