Helicopters, Tanks And Meniere's

Relation's

There is the roar of helicopter's going on between my ears right at this instant. Sounds so loud and realistic that it sounds as if it's directly over head. Earlier this morning I heard the sound of a Sherman Tank drive onto my carport. That was loud as hell and that my Relations, was too realistically very much aloud.

This morning it was not my alarm clock that woke me, but rather the sounds of crickets and cicadas that must have been the size of a freaking Wild Turkey. They must be this big to create such a loud obnoxious noise.

I am perspiring and on the verge of a full sweat atop my skull and forehead. My t-shirt is beginning to stick to my back and I feel a drip sliding down the middle of my back. As if trailing my spine.

The nausea is mid-range at the moment. Though I have had productive nausea over the past couple of days. My throat is sore from the gagging and nausea.

I have had stumbles and trips. Too foul over the course of the past twenty four hours. Fell twice. Once face first onto my bath door and the other on to the floor next to my bed. No injuries - just minor bruises. My innards are sore too and am thinking my ego has taken a bit of a beating....

...the blue and grey clouds remain near by. I am eating my medications faithfully and as ordered by all of my doctor's. I know that I missed last weeks appointment with Sir Dude, my therapist, and so want to have a visit and a face to my face, but I'm just not there yet. I want to be with and near Folks. The connections are awesome medicine. I need to be out of the Lodge more than I am and I am aware of this. I am feeling an overwhelming sense of uncertainty and am so frustrated with myself I am not sure what to do or say. Especially to and or with myself. I mean, like I had some really good days there for a few. I felt a good strength. I pray for this energy to come back soon. I don't wish to be so blue. Really, I do not.

My body is sore and still aches from my toes to my damned skull. The upper left side that is.

I am beginning to figure out some things in life. Inwards and out. I am thinking there must be a disconnect with certain things and certain Folks. I realize more now than ever that it is best for me to connect self to this disease and just live my life and walk My Path. I knowing that I must keep pushing and moving in a forward direction. What I've done and will require me to continue to do is remember to remind myself of this....

...I can ill afford to step back. I speculate this is one reason I am taking a self-beating at the moment.

I've got to do what I've got to do.