My gathering with Sir Dude, was an above average face to face meeting. He had his questions aligned and I had the Verbal Vomit. There was superb exchange and I was able to purge a spell and chip away at was has been building up in my Core.
Not a tear was shed...
...my therapist made comment on the concept of having been "cried dry". I picked up a strange sensation as if he wanted me to cry. I just didn't want to. The words sounded strange in my ear and behind my face and it was as if I could smell what it was he said - a poignant choice of words on his behalf. And yet, I understood very damned well what he meant. I knew.
He asked if I had considered hurting or harming myself...
...I let him know straight away and with a steadfastness that I did not have to, as the pains of needle after needle, lab after lab, rectal probes, penis insertions and procedure after procedure was actually fulfilling the need or my desire to harm myself. Or hurt myself. I have been getting this from the hands of others and they all have done a damned good job. It just hasn't stopped me from thinking about the blood letting or branding...
...so, the everything's I have experianced since the 5th of October 2011, have quinched my thirst. For now.
Had practiced a traction earlier on my cervical spine. Once completed I had two sensations. One was as if I had released dozens and dozens of those fucking worms on the left side of my skull and then came this tingling as if part of my skull/head had fallen asleep and got all stingy. Like when one's foot might feel after sitting in a weird poistion stingy. After traction and attempting to relax with these weird sypmtoms for what may have been 3/4 hour - I went to sleep. To sleep for roughly two hours.
The noises in my left deaf ear are troubling me as I tip-tap. My right ear is listening to myself debate in my brains what it is I should say any more about this meniere's disease. I have not had an attack in just about four weeks (have not spoken of this because I did not want to jinx myself) and this makes me very cheerful, but somebody must tell my body. You see,
I have returned to a place of physical, emotional and psychological pain from toe tip to my skull. The pain of bodily pain and the pains of the heart, mind and Spirit's.
Yes, I continue with the medications and meditations.
She-Who-Walks-With-The-Cherokee saw the PTSD approaching before I did. Sir Dude, had made a mention of this as well. These elevator rides are working me nerves bad and this roller coaster ride has me on the brink of breaking...
...I keep my happy face on. I keep my smile on and keep on going on.
If I don't, I will self-distruct. I can smell it...
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