This afternoon I will visit with Sir Dude. My therapist and confidant.
Too much time has passed since we had a face to face gathering...
...since the 5th of October, 2011.
This is a very necessary visit. I am on the verge of breaking. My heart is heavy and feels bad and sad. My Spirit's fight the good battles, but the Human in me is fucking up my emotions very much. And I have cried with the shedding of too many tears, and have sobbed with the intensity of an injured Coyote.
As I have committed myself to doing the right thing by taking action with an active participation in the improvement of my state of health - I must commit with the same steadfastness to my emotional and psychological state of being. I had set this important part of my life aside for almost one month. I can ill afford this show of self-disregard and irresponsibility again.
I am knowing there has been alot of shit stirred up the past few weeks. Hospitalization, illness upon illness, Meniers'a Disease and a fact that I do not enjoy having complete strangers handle my penis nor do I enjoy having phallic medical instruments inserted into my rectum...
...um, I think more so the latter. As I laid on the exam table, on my side in the fetal poistion, I was overwhelmed with flash back after flash back and way too many memories. Fuck! If maybe I would have been forewarned, I could have at least prepared myself for this humiliation. And yes, I was humiliated as the sensations and memories and emotions all became a terrible storm with-in my heart and Spirit's.
Today, my gathering with Sir Dude has an urgancy about it, yet I pray for a peaceful and productive gathering.
By the way, my Relations, yes I pray.
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