As much as I moaned and bitched about the procedure that I experianced on the yesterday at He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage's Office, today I am able to share that I appreciated the pain and discomfort associated with the entire process...
...from the injection into my junk to "numb" him/it/Wang, to the sight of the monster gun looking apparatus that scared me to a point of wanting to scream and shedding tears, to the length of the catheter with video camera attached, to the actual insertion of same into mine junk and the organs down below. Then the whole manipulation while said object was with-in my lower's - meaning his poking and probing, here and there.
She-Who-Is-My-Bride and I will have our face-to-face next Wednesday. My good doctor is requesting that Brenda be present when we have consult.(?!)
With He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage and his Crew, doing the hurting, this has elminated the desire for self abuse to some degree. This desire/for want has been riding sky high since my break down at He-Who-Touched-My-Brain's clinic. This is one reason I don't say shit when a Lab Tech. needs to stick me eight or ten times to draw blood. Seem's to me that if I have other folk to hurt me in the physical - I don't have to. For now.
Oh, the fucking memories! This procedure affected my being as a whole, Flesh and Spirit. I am well aware I was not myself yesterday after procedure and/or well into the night. Perhaps even to include this morning. Yes, I think so. I am thinking with this touching and insertion of foreign objects, more of the flood gates were opened to my childhood and later years. NO! Not the thinking, the knowing this procedure effected yet more memories and flashbacks...
...reminded me that I have crawled and walked on broken glass to deal with the sexual abuse I had forced upon me as a young one. Years and years, thousands and thousands of dollars put towards my recovery, for what?. So that I, as a middle aged person has to relive the memories time after time? Or so that I can raise myself to a place where I was able to assist other Survivor's of Sexual Abuse and Incest for years. I wonder and am reminded that much of this seems so long ago, you know? My therapy's and groups. Something has clunked within my Center that has knocked me off balance with My Processes - My Program. And yes, I meant to say "clunked" -not the clicked...
...clicked reminds me too much of the term "clic" as in little clic's of estranged family, friends, peer's, etc. I've seen this too many times in my life. It smells and oddly enough looks just like shit. Especially when it concerns family.
Speaking of which, sometimes I suspect my family knows that I know they know about the Sexual Abuse and Incest. I know that once a particular very sad and unfortunate scenario happen's, I will speak. And I will speak aloud. Matter of a fact, I will squeal like a fat fucking pig about to become some Folks dinner...
This Talk will be trans-generational and will cross several famliy lines. BECAUSE WHAT I LIVED THROUGH AS A CHILD, TEEN, YOUNG ADULT, AND AS AN ADULT, SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! I DID NOT ASK TO BE MOLESTED OR RAPED TIME AFTER TIME! ENABLERS, NAMES AND PLACES WILL BE SHARED! TO THINK THAT MY OWN FAMILY...
...look, FUCK it. So it is I, who carry this beast of burden because of the SINS of other's. And, By God, I know I was never an "angel", but I was a damned good kid, teen, young adult, and parent. Despite the abuse and RAPE!
By the way, I own and acknowledge I've made my mistakes in life and I have done the right thing by them. I LEARNED from my FUCKING MISTAKES. I have made my ammends. I've gotten down on my knee's and prayed and pray daily. My Path, is a different Path today.
All I want is better all-around health and to have what I survived VALIDATED BY THE ENABLERS. This is not too much to ask for, is it?
No, I will not continue to carry this luggage solo much longer. It just doesn't seem right, en'it? DOES IT?
I have spent many an hour contemplating that this Meniere's Disease is a punishment for the thing's I permitted to happen. This meniere's is alive and well today. The nausea, the dizziness, the sweats, the noises and sounds that are happening at this very moment! The inability to breath that has brought me to the brink of death several times, I suspect is punishment as well. What other reasons would there be? Punishment's for the things I did and or did not do. Punishment's for the thing's I said or did not say? I do not know. I can share this, I feel punished and wonder what more punishment I am to expect or to receive. I reckon, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. It's all the same to me.
p.s. The likely-hood of my actually confronting the ENABLERS are very slim. Sometime's this shit really gets under my skin, into my business (private parts), and to this very moment the hurt remains. The fire inside is still a flame...
...perhaps it is this flame that keeps me looking forward while all the shit inside is like fruit in a blender. All mixed up.
Enough.
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