Meniere's Disease And My Madness

Today is Sunday, 06 November 2011 and is mid-afternoon.

This Meniere's has been a tough adversary this morning and especially now these last couple of hours of afternoon.

My Left Deaf Ear is listening to "Chirps"! Like a prehistoric sized feathered one that just really chirps and chirps out damned loud! I mean really fucking loud! But, no one else hears this noise but me. Never, well, as far back as I might recollect have I had a Chirping sound in my deaf one. Oh, my Relations, I don't know if I can truly convey what is happening in this ear. The one that is supposed to be silent. Deaf. These chirping-chirp-chirps are so bad, so loud, I have tried to listen to music a bit louder than usual. I have taken a walk and sat a spell in my North West Sanctuary. All to no avail. As I sit here with you tip-tapping, The Chirps - chirp just for me and my battered innards.

My person feels assaulted by the daily and damned near constant battle with this invisible disease. Along with the other invisible disease's that have made a home in this temporary shell of a body that is attached to the skeleton that carries my large frame.

I have come to the conclusion that this is all on me, Relations. I've grown terribly wearied by family and friend's distance from I and these disease's. With a very few exceptions, there are more who stay and keep away, than those who actually put their words into action. It's a down right shame, Relations. No. It's not a shame, it's a problem. One that I have decided to let Karma take care of...

...oh so, what am I talking about? All of those "call me's if you ever need anything", "call me's if I can take you somewhere", "call me's if you want to get out". Ummmm, yeah, right. This has been a hard lesson to learn.
A difficult ugly ass pill to swallow.

I am in exile because of what lives with-in me. Not because of some political rubbish or because of a religious sanction. Nor am I in here because I got caught getting over with some scheme on other Human's. This is "Healh Imposed Exile". To have seen, read lips and heard all of the above, time and time again drains me of the positive energies I do my best to surround myself with. It's really as if negative energies weigh more than the poistive one's in my Life's day-to-day...

...it's so strangely bizarre, because it was really not that long ago I was asking folks to trouble me. I still do Kindred. I just have to do it from within the walls of this Lodge. My Like Minded and Kindred have my telephone number's. And they use it.

Enough of this. And it was I, who has stood by this statement for decades -"Blood is alway's thicker than water." Well Honey's, I know better as more and more time passes me on by. I have learned, some of these "family and friends" are like oil and water. Oh, but how I do remember. Yes, I do.

My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a bad spell going back since Friday. Hearing has been difficult. Very difficult. I have had too many episodes of total silence - in the wrong ear. Moments pass and pass, I wait and listen for the hearing to return and everytime it does my heart skips a beat. The plopping continues, the pop's continue...

...and the voices have returned in full force, which interferes with my hearing. I hear the voices as clear as I hear my wife's voice. Or the voice of my daughter. I've tried to talk to these voices - but they don't listen neither. Either that or their deaf too.

I am nauseated and am very uncomfortable. There has been no productivity.

I am dizzy at a real speed of right down the middle. As if I have had too much to drink at the pub or club. I walk with the aid of my quad cane but am having to use the wall's as an aid to get by for now. This is not unfamiliar to me, this is where I am at this moment.

As in this very moment, I wear a necklace of perspiration and a belt of sweat around my mid-section. Which all doesn't make sense to me because it is a beautiful cool Florida fall day out, the ceiling fan is running full speed and all windows of this "House of Seven Window's" are open. Which permits this soft and sweet cross ventilation throughout the Lodge. Refreshing indeed, but when meniere's is present, it does not matter. I sweat as if I am tasking out of doors. Alas, it is but another symptom of meniere's that resides within me. I swear, I would think all of this sweating would assist me with losing weight. It does not. It's just one of those things that comes as a package deal. Seemingly, just for me.

Before I go any further, I want to thank Dione and Timm, for stopping by last evening for the breaking of bread and wonderful conversation. I have not seen Timm since the mid 1990's and was just recently reunited with Dione. She surprised me with a visit to hospital. We were co-workers and friends over at the big blue box store. The point is, is that once we as friends were reconnected, their words were placed into action. These friends who have been friends for decades and although we may not have seen one another for years, our friendship remained solid. These beautiful people and their beautiful family kept things real. More so than I might say for a whole hell of alot of Kinfolk. Kinfolk? I'm knowing there has to be some re-evaluation on this piece. Shit.

Life? Really?

There's so much I want to do. There's so much I want to see.

I have been burdened by the sadness and gloom that has once again settled deep with-in my Core. My batteries are running on low and the darkness has me on the verge of breaking. I have been communicating this "being on the verge of breaking". I'm starting to think them I speak with have no ears, because surely no one listens. Not even my own therapist was listening to my words. I think he was more interested in seeing me cry. I have cried and have cried more than I really want to share, but this is a fact. Who know's? I don't.

Yes, I continue to eat my pretty little pills and also eat them that are big as a horse pill. The pills that come in such a pretty array of colors. Pink, blue, red, yellow, white, cute little transparent orbs and the huge ones with razors that stick out of each side...

John Wayne is out to pasture and I have not seen him in a few day's. I miss My Path and feel if I have neglected myself. Even with the committments I have made to battle these diseases and illness's, I feel neglected by self and other's. I'm tired of this...

...I think I'll fill my tires on my trike, John Wayne, and bust a move. I have been asked not to, but these people do not know what it feels like in my shoes. I do not want to be placed in the position of losing something because I did not use it. Can you dig it?