Dearest Relations,
I have a young friend by the name of Nancy, I wish to introduce you to her. I have known Nancy since the 1990's. We worked, danced, and joked about together at the store in the big blue box. We worked our ass off there, but we had some fun too! Along with a wonderful group of Kindred Folk's who worked with each other, Nancy and I, there in the big blue box...
...working relationships became friendships, freindships create Kinfolk, sometimes to points beyond - as in really becoming Kinfolk by marriage. Which is like so cool in my romantic way of looking with life sometimes.
I am Blessed and am proud to know my sweet friend Nancy. I have always loved Nancy and felt she as a daughta-from-anotha-motha sort of way. Although, and please let it be known, I know Nancy's Mommy and there is no disrespect intended. It's as if I viewed Nancy as my daughter first, then the on the job, Nancy. Dig? Some way, this was the way it was intended.
I want to share that my dear friend Nancy, is fighting a cancer. I am seeing this dreadful fucking disease eat away at one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. My energies pick up her's as I have never seen Nancy without a smile. Her strength is Grace. Not only on the outside is Nancy beautiful, but beautiful where it matters most, she is beautiful inside too. This is such a difficult thing for me to speak or talk about. It's almost as if I am ignorant and know not what to say.
We were reunited one year or more ago, Nancy and I, and so many other's that the warmth from my Center soothes my chest and this energy let's me know that Nancy is surrounded with love and the energy that is love with strength...
...in some sort of cosmic way, we were all never really that far away or apart. Our friendships and kinships have all remained strong, sure and loved. I mean, this was the way life went when we were sent by Great Spirit to do what we had to. To make it in this fast-paced-hurry-the-fuck-up-life...
...and then to Witness this Blessed Circle be Reunited, is beyond my wildest dreams and may only be considered by me, an Act of the Great Spirit.
I am humbled. My love for Nancy and our Kindred has grown warmer and closer over the years. It has driven me practically mad to know that Nancy and I have lived in the same community for years and never once had we crossed paths until crossed paths at our Walgreens Pharmacy...
...I was freshly dischagred from hospital that evening and was still very much under the influence of them "special hospital medications" and was goofy I know because I was messing with my daughter. Honest to God, and you can ask her, when my eye's met her's - it made my eye orbs feel funny and I think I was overwhelmed with joy and happiness and then later that night, an immense sorrow...
...I was looking at Nancy through the eye's of a father reunited with a daughter. Nancy, know how much love, respect and dignity I have for you. You know, I must say out of respect, to mention Mama, your Mommy. I see where you "caught" your beauty and also I am witness to Two Warrior WOmen.
Keep on this This Fight!
Since then, I have thought of my dear friend Nancy every day of life. She came to visit me while I was in hospital for pete's sake! Her Mom and Dione too!
Nancy, I want you to know with confidence that I love you. My Spirit's love you and respect your Spirit's. I have had ceremony's for you and have prayed for you. Have banged the drums loudly for you...
...as I will contine to do. Remember that I will donate blood for you at the dial of a telephone. I have donated phalets (spell check,?) in the past and am prepared to do so for you...
...WAIT! Imagine this, I provide this mixed breed type O blood for you, then we would really be same Blooded. Oh, but wait, sweet Nancy, I have felt all along we bleed the same blood. Already.
Nancy, sweet Nancy, thank you for being a friend.
"Holla!"
Love ya, Mario
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Meniere's & I, The Past 48 Hours
With in the past forty-eight hours I have slept mighty close to thirty six of those hours. Unfortunately, I am still with-in the grasps of the sleep queue and although I may feel and think top notch at this moment, I will be back in bed directly. Something in the back of my skull tells me so.
I have an urgency to share with you the sounds that I have been listening to and one of which in particular is quite stunning. The stunning sounds occured yesterday afternoon shortly after I awoke from a sleep. I was with the belief that I was hearing and listening to either the pulse of Earth Mother or the beat of a Pow Wow drum. A steady and forthright beat. Very distinguishable versus all other sounds I have had over the last few years. Of which I do not minimize in the least, but there was something sure and very real going on in my Deaf Left ear yesterday. I recently made comment of contemplating on the sounds, well this is exactly what I did. I listened intensely and contemplated on the sounds of Earth Mother's Pulse or the Pow Wow drum. I laid in bed for what seemed to be three quarter of an hour and listened...
...until the sound gave way to a different and familiar sound. The ole faithful beep's. Oh, please. I wonder, if it wasn't for these beeps, my Left Deaf Ear would be truly a Deaf Left Ear. Seemingly originating from a distant satellite as it travels through the outer reaches of our atmosphere. It does not go beep-beep-beep, but rather like this, beeeep... beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....beep........beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep....beeeeeeeeep.
The "........." indicates moments of silence.
Of the two sounds, I prefer the beats of Mother Earth's Heart Beat or the beat of the Pow Wow drum. It was a steady beat, sure and most of all familiar to my mind and Spirit's.
My right Hard of Hearing ear is hard of hearing today. Earlier, there was the sounds of cicadas. As off in some distant forests, one makes a long note, then another takes a longer note and then many others join in at same time. I would swear there are hundreds tucked away deep in the crevices of my right ear and brain. I tell you what, them sumbitche's, make this seem like a torture to me.
Other symptoms I would like to share is first of all, is this omni-present nausea and it's ways of disrespect to me, the one with the Meniere's Disease. This nausea today and at this moment reaches just above my adams apple. Burping nor medication have been any aid. There isn't anything for me to bring up today besides water and medication and as bad as I want to hurl, I think it would only piss me off because I would consider it a waste of money. I am so positive that the medications in my stomach at this moment and at their prices would have bought me a mighty fine lunch. Or hell, the money could have gone towards Christmas shopping.
I am sweating and perspiring to the point of perspiration and sweat building up around my neck and stomach. As if I just came in from a brisk walk about. Right. I feel as if I am wearing a cap of perspiration which sometimes feels like a net of the cafe` sort. All of which is taking place in this lodge which is at 70 degrees. All windows are wide open and I am enjoying the change in weather. My skin and Spirit's would enjoy it more if it wasn't for so much being stirred up in my brains and stomach.
The dizziness I am experiancing is the sort that feels at eye level and is a rotating dizzy. Like a slow drive round and around a Turn About. Frustrating is the only word I can think of at the moment. Just damned frustrating. Today, I use both my quad cane and the walls to get from here to there. As much as I would enjoy being out of doors, I know that I am at high risk for a fall today AND even though I would rather fall onto my lawn, my rather large ass will remain indoors today...
...am learning to listen, you see? Or should I ask, you hear? No, you read?
Word. Yes. Oui. Si. Mmmmkay?
p.s. I don't want any damned falls. Have you ever had a dream where you felt as if you were falling? If any yes's - then that's the feeling inside the gut when I fall. There have been too times when a fall just up's and happens and hell yes, there have been a couple of times I have screamed.
So what? Falling's a Bitch. Alright then...
Love to all Relations! Love, peace and more peace.
I have an urgency to share with you the sounds that I have been listening to and one of which in particular is quite stunning. The stunning sounds occured yesterday afternoon shortly after I awoke from a sleep. I was with the belief that I was hearing and listening to either the pulse of Earth Mother or the beat of a Pow Wow drum. A steady and forthright beat. Very distinguishable versus all other sounds I have had over the last few years. Of which I do not minimize in the least, but there was something sure and very real going on in my Deaf Left ear yesterday. I recently made comment of contemplating on the sounds, well this is exactly what I did. I listened intensely and contemplated on the sounds of Earth Mother's Pulse or the Pow Wow drum. I laid in bed for what seemed to be three quarter of an hour and listened...
...until the sound gave way to a different and familiar sound. The ole faithful beep's. Oh, please. I wonder, if it wasn't for these beeps, my Left Deaf Ear would be truly a Deaf Left Ear. Seemingly originating from a distant satellite as it travels through the outer reaches of our atmosphere. It does not go beep-beep-beep, but rather like this, beeeep... beeeeeeeeeeeeeep.....beep........beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep....beeeeeeeeep.
The "........." indicates moments of silence.
Of the two sounds, I prefer the beats of Mother Earth's Heart Beat or the beat of the Pow Wow drum. It was a steady beat, sure and most of all familiar to my mind and Spirit's.
My right Hard of Hearing ear is hard of hearing today. Earlier, there was the sounds of cicadas. As off in some distant forests, one makes a long note, then another takes a longer note and then many others join in at same time. I would swear there are hundreds tucked away deep in the crevices of my right ear and brain. I tell you what, them sumbitche's, make this seem like a torture to me.
Other symptoms I would like to share is first of all, is this omni-present nausea and it's ways of disrespect to me, the one with the Meniere's Disease. This nausea today and at this moment reaches just above my adams apple. Burping nor medication have been any aid. There isn't anything for me to bring up today besides water and medication and as bad as I want to hurl, I think it would only piss me off because I would consider it a waste of money. I am so positive that the medications in my stomach at this moment and at their prices would have bought me a mighty fine lunch. Or hell, the money could have gone towards Christmas shopping.
I am sweating and perspiring to the point of perspiration and sweat building up around my neck and stomach. As if I just came in from a brisk walk about. Right. I feel as if I am wearing a cap of perspiration which sometimes feels like a net of the cafe` sort. All of which is taking place in this lodge which is at 70 degrees. All windows are wide open and I am enjoying the change in weather. My skin and Spirit's would enjoy it more if it wasn't for so much being stirred up in my brains and stomach.
The dizziness I am experiancing is the sort that feels at eye level and is a rotating dizzy. Like a slow drive round and around a Turn About. Frustrating is the only word I can think of at the moment. Just damned frustrating. Today, I use both my quad cane and the walls to get from here to there. As much as I would enjoy being out of doors, I know that I am at high risk for a fall today AND even though I would rather fall onto my lawn, my rather large ass will remain indoors today...
...am learning to listen, you see? Or should I ask, you hear? No, you read?
Word. Yes. Oui. Si. Mmmmkay?
p.s. I don't want any damned falls. Have you ever had a dream where you felt as if you were falling? If any yes's - then that's the feeling inside the gut when I fall. There have been too times when a fall just up's and happens and hell yes, there have been a couple of times I have screamed.
So what? Falling's a Bitch. Alright then...
Love to all Relations! Love, peace and more peace.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Norway, Please Reconsider?
Dearest Brethren of Norway,
My name is Mario. I live in Tampa, Florida. I beg your Nation's pardon, I simply wish to provide a point of view of a simple One, from across this Atlantic Ocean.
I understand the politic's of "For", the death penalty and the "against", the death penalty. We have same issues and debates here in The United States Of America...
...but, telling the world that because your government say's, He-Who-Massacred-Your-Youth is mad and or insane, renders him excluded from the death penalty...
..."IS", in it's very twisted approach, a type/sort/form of madness within those very words. Insane? Madness?
Really, Norway?
"He-Who-Massacred-Your-Youth", butchered the children and youthful ones, he slaughtered fellow Earth Mate's. He bombed, shot, and gunned down as prey someone's child. Slaughtering the many Innocent One's, and forever altering the lives of their family's - their friend's - their "Circle of Life". Altered their Nation and those of us out here who have respect for the Kindred of Norway. I feel today the same horror as when he walked with a purpose to kill. To kill? To slaughter? And be permitted to live, as if?
I have permitted this to forever alter the way I think about the death penalty. I am more confidant now, than ever before this massacre, that when the Police/FBI/CIA/KGB/Sheriff/Deputy/Officials/Border Patrol/Coast Guard, etc., have a smoking gun in the hand of one who has committed such a massacre, I mean 77 people were murdered...
...77 Kindred Folk...
This is the dreadful person with said smoking gun in hand and the blood of dozens on his clothes. He is automaticly "guilty" of said crimes. Period.
His purpose was intended to do just what the word massacre imply's and defines...
...he used innocents as human target practice...
...he slaughtered children and butchered our youth, our fellow Human's.
This man planned and pre-planned and master-minded this display of total disregard for human life. So finely did he plan this massive attack, that he was permitted to dispatch each individual as he pleased . Going as far as to "cut off" any form of escape.
No Norway, this person had the smoking gun in his hand. He is guilty.
I am a simple One across this giant pond. I am the father of two beautiful daughters and I do my best when I communicate to provide a different point of view. I have seen photographs of this individual - in every photo his eye's betray him. He is not mad nor is he insane...
...the smile he wears on his face is his spit at the feet of them who govern the beautiful Nation of Norway.
May God Bless The Wonderful People of Norway.
Norway, please reconsider?
My name is Mario. I live in Tampa, Florida. I beg your Nation's pardon, I simply wish to provide a point of view of a simple One, from across this Atlantic Ocean.
I understand the politic's of "For", the death penalty and the "against", the death penalty. We have same issues and debates here in The United States Of America...
...but, telling the world that because your government say's, He-Who-Massacred-Your-Youth is mad and or insane, renders him excluded from the death penalty...
..."IS", in it's very twisted approach, a type/sort/form of madness within those very words. Insane? Madness?
Really, Norway?
"He-Who-Massacred-Your-Youth", butchered the children and youthful ones, he slaughtered fellow Earth Mate's. He bombed, shot, and gunned down as prey someone's child. Slaughtering the many Innocent One's, and forever altering the lives of their family's - their friend's - their "Circle of Life". Altered their Nation and those of us out here who have respect for the Kindred of Norway. I feel today the same horror as when he walked with a purpose to kill. To kill? To slaughter? And be permitted to live, as if?
I have permitted this to forever alter the way I think about the death penalty. I am more confidant now, than ever before this massacre, that when the Police/FBI/CIA/KGB/Sheriff/Deputy/Officials/Border Patrol/Coast Guard, etc., have a smoking gun in the hand of one who has committed such a massacre, I mean 77 people were murdered...
...77 Kindred Folk...
This is the dreadful person with said smoking gun in hand and the blood of dozens on his clothes. He is automaticly "guilty" of said crimes. Period.
His purpose was intended to do just what the word massacre imply's and defines...
...he used innocents as human target practice...
...he slaughtered children and butchered our youth, our fellow Human's.
This man planned and pre-planned and master-minded this display of total disregard for human life. So finely did he plan this massive attack, that he was permitted to dispatch each individual as he pleased . Going as far as to "cut off" any form of escape.
No Norway, this person had the smoking gun in his hand. He is guilty.
I am a simple One across this giant pond. I am the father of two beautiful daughters and I do my best when I communicate to provide a different point of view. I have seen photographs of this individual - in every photo his eye's betray him. He is not mad nor is he insane...
...the smile he wears on his face is his spit at the feet of them who govern the beautiful Nation of Norway.
May God Bless The Wonderful People of Norway.
Norway, please reconsider?
Monday, November 28, 2011
Meniere's and The Sleep Queue
Am still in The Sleep Queue...
...fighting off the sleep and am knowing damned well it's that I'm in the queue. Am very much aware and familiar with this fork on My Path. I've walked this queue before and have a flutter-in-my-heart confidance knowing I will rejoin My Path up the Trail a bit or few. In the past twenty four hours have slept and committed eighteen of them to Dream World.
One of the worms that lives between my scalp and skull just wiggled about.
I am having an uncomfortable day with the Meinere's. My nausea is resting right below my throat and has been very present today. I tasted what my medications tastes like earlier and have had the urge to puke. I am dizzy. The sweats and perspirations have been present as long as I have been awake...
...even with all of the window's here in the House of Seven Window's wide open, I sweat and perspire. Even with this cool breeze that blows through the Lodge from the North East and passes the scents of burning pine and evergreens. The Wind and the Rain pass the lodge by as I softly send prayer Blessing's to All Relations.
At this moment my Deaf Left Ear is busy with the sounds of the street wrecker or cement buster. One of the tools of working on the side walks and streets. Except these sound loud at first then trail off to a silence, then it begins again and again. I very much can not describe the sound in words.
Anyway's, it's in here and the noise makes it difficult to concentrate. Espeacially when my hard of hearing right ear is busy with crickets, locust and cicadas. And yes, they're loud...
...the non-hearing in my deaf left ear just gave off a loud roaring sound.
Damned crickets...
So, I do suppose I have learned to listen to my body, more now than ever before in my entire time here on this gentle orb we call Earth Mother. Compared to the other planets we have but a small piece of this massive universe to love and maintain. I have often said I am glad I was born when I was because I am tired of seeing and reading and hearing about what we have done or are doing to our Earth Mother. My Mother Earth. Feeling this, as I mourn the loss of my Earth Mother before either one of us has crossed. Weird yes? Maybe, but it is this space for loving and peaceful stuff that is alive between my ears. Sometimes it even seem's much larger than this Universe. In my simple mind, there is no limit to what the Universe is in my skull. Because, you see, I believe it is necessary to occupy My mind, with the gifts of reading, thinking, mediatating, crying, silence, music and even contemplations on the noise's and sound's going on and off in my ears.
I must keep this passion alive, this exhile has changed me into a me, I never saw coming, but here I am. I am that I am.
This capture's a snap shot of a moment in time.
...fighting off the sleep and am knowing damned well it's that I'm in the queue. Am very much aware and familiar with this fork on My Path. I've walked this queue before and have a flutter-in-my-heart confidance knowing I will rejoin My Path up the Trail a bit or few. In the past twenty four hours have slept and committed eighteen of them to Dream World.
One of the worms that lives between my scalp and skull just wiggled about.
I am having an uncomfortable day with the Meinere's. My nausea is resting right below my throat and has been very present today. I tasted what my medications tastes like earlier and have had the urge to puke. I am dizzy. The sweats and perspirations have been present as long as I have been awake...
...even with all of the window's here in the House of Seven Window's wide open, I sweat and perspire. Even with this cool breeze that blows through the Lodge from the North East and passes the scents of burning pine and evergreens. The Wind and the Rain pass the lodge by as I softly send prayer Blessing's to All Relations.
At this moment my Deaf Left Ear is busy with the sounds of the street wrecker or cement buster. One of the tools of working on the side walks and streets. Except these sound loud at first then trail off to a silence, then it begins again and again. I very much can not describe the sound in words.
Anyway's, it's in here and the noise makes it difficult to concentrate. Espeacially when my hard of hearing right ear is busy with crickets, locust and cicadas. And yes, they're loud...
...the non-hearing in my deaf left ear just gave off a loud roaring sound.
Damned crickets...
So, I do suppose I have learned to listen to my body, more now than ever before in my entire time here on this gentle orb we call Earth Mother. Compared to the other planets we have but a small piece of this massive universe to love and maintain. I have often said I am glad I was born when I was because I am tired of seeing and reading and hearing about what we have done or are doing to our Earth Mother. My Mother Earth. Feeling this, as I mourn the loss of my Earth Mother before either one of us has crossed. Weird yes? Maybe, but it is this space for loving and peaceful stuff that is alive between my ears. Sometimes it even seem's much larger than this Universe. In my simple mind, there is no limit to what the Universe is in my skull. Because, you see, I believe it is necessary to occupy My mind, with the gifts of reading, thinking, mediatating, crying, silence, music and even contemplations on the noise's and sound's going on and off in my ears.
I must keep this passion alive, this exhile has changed me into a me, I never saw coming, but here I am. I am that I am.
This capture's a snap shot of a moment in time.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Meniere's Disease, Have Been Laid Out
On this past Wednesday, 23 november 2011, I had an attack of meniere's. I would love to paint a perfect picture with my words of where I've been since and will do my best to provide a snap shot of the past few days. I'm just not too sure on that perfect piece. Oui?
Maybe sometimes good words don't alaways fit into square holes.
I do not remember what time it was this past Wednesday or what might have provoked the attack, but I made haste getting to bed. Wait!! THIS IS WHAT PRECEDED THE ATTACK!" **Earlier, while sitting on my sofa I felt what felt to me as if my life had stopped just for the quickest of a quick moment. I mean all and everything went still. It felt as if I had the wind blown out of me by one of those giant balls we played with in Gym Class in higher grades. Just blam! And life stopped for a flash...I know now that our live's do pass before our eye's. I know this as truth, because I saw it and felt it.
What I think about all of this, is this that I needed to slow down just a moment to have my private inner Atomic Clock calibrated. My Core, My Center. I don't know what happened to "create" this sudden stop. And no, this is not the first time this type of meniere's attack has happened. It's just so odd. This does not happen often with this symptom.
Was able to share holiday festivites at my sister's home with much and wonderful Kinfolk for a brief few hours then came staright home. Showered and then was off to bed and contemplated myself to sleep. Sometimes I will pray myself to sleep. I got up late Friday evening and was awake for maybe an hour for when Brenda got home from work. Then it was back to sleep. And I slept until late this morning. For a total of damned near 38 hours plus. My intention today and with this publication is to share some of these meniere's disease related issues with you, my Relations. Just like what I shared above. These that are here now...
...before we go any further, let me share real quick, that the sensation of a sudden stop in life is very nauseating. Very sudden and very quick. Abrupt! It's just not normal. Ya know?
My Left Daef Ear, has has had a satalite circling the globe in search of it's docking station. I mean, come on already. It passes by over head and I hear it passing by, seconds later I hear it approaching me. I sure as shit don't want to go making a "Top 10", when it comes to the symptoms that have made a middle aged man grow older too quickly. No pity here! Just truth. No, I haven't thrown in no damned towels neither! Don't plan too either.
Today had forced myself to not only get up from bed, but ran errands with Brenda. Have stayed focused on task at hand and still working on the "chipping" away piece a menotor of mine shared with me. Pretty damn good sense too. Chip it away and let it go...let God take it.
My Right Good Bad Ear has had monster crickets, cicada's and locusts playing to their own beats. So loud and so distracting. The past few days have also been poor hearing days. It is just too difficult to conduct conversation with one ear deaf and the other playing mind games. The moments of complete and total silenece continues. This is random. The ploops and plops continue too.
Clap on, clap off...
...I wish.
Sweating and perspiration has been present everyday since Wednesday and has been quite bad today. The balance and coordination issues made today high at task and high risk day. "White Knucke Day". Even still, It was a such a nice day out and about with Brenda. I suspect we did make a right good exercise out of this. As bad as I wish to get out and about, I better bust it when I can. En'it?
The Worms still reside within my skull and have not returned to my face.
Old Kindred Spirit, thank you for your visit. Nancy-Pooh, great seeing you and mama at the Mall! So sorry about my hearing. Timmmmmmm and Dione, everytime we pass a Hart Line bus I check to see who's driving. Someday.
Gotta Go! Holla..........
Maybe sometimes good words don't alaways fit into square holes.
I do not remember what time it was this past Wednesday or what might have provoked the attack, but I made haste getting to bed. Wait!! THIS IS WHAT PRECEDED THE ATTACK!" **Earlier, while sitting on my sofa I felt what felt to me as if my life had stopped just for the quickest of a quick moment. I mean all and everything went still. It felt as if I had the wind blown out of me by one of those giant balls we played with in Gym Class in higher grades. Just blam! And life stopped for a flash...I know now that our live's do pass before our eye's. I know this as truth, because I saw it and felt it.
What I think about all of this, is this that I needed to slow down just a moment to have my private inner Atomic Clock calibrated. My Core, My Center. I don't know what happened to "create" this sudden stop. And no, this is not the first time this type of meniere's attack has happened. It's just so odd. This does not happen often with this symptom.
Was able to share holiday festivites at my sister's home with much and wonderful Kinfolk for a brief few hours then came staright home. Showered and then was off to bed and contemplated myself to sleep. Sometimes I will pray myself to sleep. I got up late Friday evening and was awake for maybe an hour for when Brenda got home from work. Then it was back to sleep. And I slept until late this morning. For a total of damned near 38 hours plus. My intention today and with this publication is to share some of these meniere's disease related issues with you, my Relations. Just like what I shared above. These that are here now...
...before we go any further, let me share real quick, that the sensation of a sudden stop in life is very nauseating. Very sudden and very quick. Abrupt! It's just not normal. Ya know?
My Left Daef Ear, has has had a satalite circling the globe in search of it's docking station. I mean, come on already. It passes by over head and I hear it passing by, seconds later I hear it approaching me. I sure as shit don't want to go making a "Top 10", when it comes to the symptoms that have made a middle aged man grow older too quickly. No pity here! Just truth. No, I haven't thrown in no damned towels neither! Don't plan too either.
Today had forced myself to not only get up from bed, but ran errands with Brenda. Have stayed focused on task at hand and still working on the "chipping" away piece a menotor of mine shared with me. Pretty damn good sense too. Chip it away and let it go...let God take it.
My Right Good Bad Ear has had monster crickets, cicada's and locusts playing to their own beats. So loud and so distracting. The past few days have also been poor hearing days. It is just too difficult to conduct conversation with one ear deaf and the other playing mind games. The moments of complete and total silenece continues. This is random. The ploops and plops continue too.
Clap on, clap off...
...I wish.
Sweating and perspiration has been present everyday since Wednesday and has been quite bad today. The balance and coordination issues made today high at task and high risk day. "White Knucke Day". Even still, It was a such a nice day out and about with Brenda. I suspect we did make a right good exercise out of this. As bad as I wish to get out and about, I better bust it when I can. En'it?
The Worms still reside within my skull and have not returned to my face.
Old Kindred Spirit, thank you for your visit. Nancy-Pooh, great seeing you and mama at the Mall! So sorry about my hearing. Timmmmmmm and Dione, everytime we pass a Hart Line bus I check to see who's driving. Someday.
Gotta Go! Holla..........
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Birds Of A Feather
There was once a day, when I traveled My Path with a total reckless abandon. I lived Life on the other side of too many rail road tracks and it all never troubled me to go back to visit "the" other area's that I once dwelled, danced, loved or fought. I don't think this was much of a Death Wish. I never felt this, but folks in my Circle, then and now, would ask how I would dare do certain things that some Folks found odd and right plum out of the ordinary...
...Father of mine, would remind me time and time again that I was the Black Sheep of the Family.......
..........................that I was a late bloomer, also. Time after time.
Some Folk's understand by what I just said prior to this...
...other's won't.
But, I share with you right now, I'll be damned if I am not right back into living life as the Black Sheep of the Crew. Once again! Meniere's and it's friends made certain of this. It's like that.
Being Single Side deaf and Hard of Hearing places me right outside the rim of the other Sheep's Circles...
...out of sight out of mind. The damned Black Sheep of the family.
If this isn't the stinking truth, I could not explain this in any better fashion. So, you see there's alot of alone time. Which for me can get sort of scary. I thrive when I am around people. Um, this places me in my mind right back into the Late Bloomer thang.
It is time now for me to get out and about more often. Spread these wings some! I am in process of applying for a service that is provided by our Transit System Hartline. Once, this application is submitted and approved, I will be provided door to door transportaion for all of my medical appointment need's. As well as other needs too. The young lady I spoke with assured me that I am the type of candidate for this program...
...it sure will keep me from having to ask for transport from Kinfolk. I mean really, that get's frustrating sometimes. And, this will provide me a source to get to school for classes and a gym where I can exercise and make the body sronger.
Have a fantastic chance to hang out with Kindred Spirit's.....
...really, it's like, hangin' out with Birds of a Feather...
...Father of mine, would remind me time and time again that I was the Black Sheep of the Family.......
..........................that I was a late bloomer, also. Time after time.
Some Folk's understand by what I just said prior to this...
...other's won't.
But, I share with you right now, I'll be damned if I am not right back into living life as the Black Sheep of the Crew. Once again! Meniere's and it's friends made certain of this. It's like that.
Being Single Side deaf and Hard of Hearing places me right outside the rim of the other Sheep's Circles...
...out of sight out of mind. The damned Black Sheep of the family.
If this isn't the stinking truth, I could not explain this in any better fashion. So, you see there's alot of alone time. Which for me can get sort of scary. I thrive when I am around people. Um, this places me in my mind right back into the Late Bloomer thang.
It is time now for me to get out and about more often. Spread these wings some! I am in process of applying for a service that is provided by our Transit System Hartline. Once, this application is submitted and approved, I will be provided door to door transportaion for all of my medical appointment need's. As well as other needs too. The young lady I spoke with assured me that I am the type of candidate for this program...
...it sure will keep me from having to ask for transport from Kinfolk. I mean really, that get's frustrating sometimes. And, this will provide me a source to get to school for classes and a gym where I can exercise and make the body sronger.
Have a fantastic chance to hang out with Kindred Spirit's.....
...really, it's like, hangin' out with Birds of a Feather...
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Meniere's Disease and A Visit With Dr. N.
Woke up early this morning only to have to turn about and go back to bed for self-induced sleep. I had woken up with the sounds and noises as if I had no sleep at all, because I went to bed and off to sleep with these very noises and sounds. Made it a chore to read...
...what can you do?
It is 1553 and I am exhausted and rather would be in bed sleeping right at this moment, but I have just returned home from an appointment with Doctor N., aka Dr. Psych. My In-Law's assisted me with a transport and some good conversation.
Must admit I considered today's visit a visit with energies that took flight about in this office of his. It felt as if I had a damned good show of some intellectual fencing...
...I believe my Warrior Spirit accompanied me to this visit, which did in fact end up going for a bit longer than the usual time allotted...
...the vibes - the energies - the passions. Today's visit was not just a visit to my psychiatrist...it was a visit with a person who does this for a living. A Man's man and sonebody I truly feel has my best and better interest in mind. An ally, but whew shit, this was straight up face-to-face, your energy with my energy creating this verbal fencing. When words were done and said, a shake of the hands, an eye-to-eye and I knew today was good day to be alive...
...yes, it would have been a damned good day to die too, but yet here I am by the Blessings of Great Spirit. Alive and at this moment feeling like I could go on safari in Botswana...or a walk about in the National Forest here in Ocala...
...maybe My Paths in Cherokee, that are there still, waiting for my foot steps. I can feel the pulse of Earth Mother from those mountain's. I have had the Blessing's of seeing the Little People of the Forest with these eye's. My very skin yearns for the touch of the clouds...the scent of Mother Earth.
The bottom line of the visit with Dr. N., is this; this is where I am supposed to be at this moment in time. On My Path. I am here right now tip-taping on this keyboard with a force of energy and a belief and faith, that a day will come when I will be able to do these things, such as walk about's and safari's with an ease once again!
For now, I must go eat crow on the FaceBook. I threw out a couple/few "F" bomb's and there are some young one's on the scroll. Thought about this over at doctor's office.
Caio........
...what can you do?
It is 1553 and I am exhausted and rather would be in bed sleeping right at this moment, but I have just returned home from an appointment with Doctor N., aka Dr. Psych. My In-Law's assisted me with a transport and some good conversation.
Must admit I considered today's visit a visit with energies that took flight about in this office of his. It felt as if I had a damned good show of some intellectual fencing...
...I believe my Warrior Spirit accompanied me to this visit, which did in fact end up going for a bit longer than the usual time allotted...
...the vibes - the energies - the passions. Today's visit was not just a visit to my psychiatrist...it was a visit with a person who does this for a living. A Man's man and sonebody I truly feel has my best and better interest in mind. An ally, but whew shit, this was straight up face-to-face, your energy with my energy creating this verbal fencing. When words were done and said, a shake of the hands, an eye-to-eye and I knew today was good day to be alive...
...yes, it would have been a damned good day to die too, but yet here I am by the Blessings of Great Spirit. Alive and at this moment feeling like I could go on safari in Botswana...or a walk about in the National Forest here in Ocala...
...maybe My Paths in Cherokee, that are there still, waiting for my foot steps. I can feel the pulse of Earth Mother from those mountain's. I have had the Blessing's of seeing the Little People of the Forest with these eye's. My very skin yearns for the touch of the clouds...the scent of Mother Earth.
The bottom line of the visit with Dr. N., is this; this is where I am supposed to be at this moment in time. On My Path. I am here right now tip-taping on this keyboard with a force of energy and a belief and faith, that a day will come when I will be able to do these things, such as walk about's and safari's with an ease once again!
For now, I must go eat crow on the FaceBook. I threw out a couple/few "F" bomb's and there are some young one's on the scroll. Thought about this over at doctor's office.
Caio........
Monday, November 21, 2011
Meniere's Disease, Oh, I See Said The Deaf One
Oh wait a minute. Yes, I see some thing's a bit clearer now. And as if it all makes sense, it's all coming back quite clear to me.
Maybe this is why I cry.
It is I who am the disabled one. No matter how much I wish - no matter how hard I try to fight. It is I who have this disease Meniere's, and the one who labours to breath at times. I am the one with the emotional issues. Also all of those other diseases of odds-n-ends and this and that's. It is I, who am unable to work. I am the one dependant on others for transport...
...the embarrassment of having to ask...
...because I can't drive my auto. Not anymore...
...the shame that comes with the "need" and getting the "hand out's" from the goverment. The utter disgust having to go look in somebody's face when it comes to my medical issues and other what-not's and I. Ashamed to have to beg, "Yes Sah, Mr. Goverment Person". "No Ma'am, Miss. Goverment Lady". Keep that damned smile on boy!
Maybe, is this why I cry?
Don't bump into things. Not anymore Mr. Human Bumper Car, please. Please, just please, don't let I get struck by a meniere's attack in public.
I am the one with no hearing on this side, that I pick up odd noises and sounds from. And bad hearing on that side. The one that is getting worse as time goes on by...
...I am the one who can't walk a straight line while using a freaking walker. It is I with this balance and coordination issue.
Don't fall, Dude. Because, as I have learned by the experiance I had in The-Hospital-Named-After-My-Home-State, FALLS, DON"T FUCKEN MATTER! As horrific and gut wrenching as these are, that hospital taught me where falling is on their scale of Patient Safety, and Patient Care...
...it also made me aware of where this scale "is" with other people too.
I have learned this and speak it honestly...
...as long as it is "I" and not "you", in this spot, we're all good. I see this now.
These are the reasons I cry.
p.s. Falling is letting gravity have it's way with you. It's simple like that, you see?
Maybe this is why I cry.
It is I who am the disabled one. No matter how much I wish - no matter how hard I try to fight. It is I who have this disease Meniere's, and the one who labours to breath at times. I am the one with the emotional issues. Also all of those other diseases of odds-n-ends and this and that's. It is I, who am unable to work. I am the one dependant on others for transport...
...the embarrassment of having to ask...
...because I can't drive my auto. Not anymore...
...the shame that comes with the "need" and getting the "hand out's" from the goverment. The utter disgust having to go look in somebody's face when it comes to my medical issues and other what-not's and I. Ashamed to have to beg, "Yes Sah, Mr. Goverment Person". "No Ma'am, Miss. Goverment Lady". Keep that damned smile on boy!
Maybe, is this why I cry?
Don't bump into things. Not anymore Mr. Human Bumper Car, please. Please, just please, don't let I get struck by a meniere's attack in public.
I am the one with no hearing on this side, that I pick up odd noises and sounds from. And bad hearing on that side. The one that is getting worse as time goes on by...
...I am the one who can't walk a straight line while using a freaking walker. It is I with this balance and coordination issue.
Don't fall, Dude. Because, as I have learned by the experiance I had in The-Hospital-Named-After-My-Home-State, FALLS, DON"T FUCKEN MATTER! As horrific and gut wrenching as these are, that hospital taught me where falling is on their scale of Patient Safety, and Patient Care...
...it also made me aware of where this scale "is" with other people too.
I have learned this and speak it honestly...
...as long as it is "I" and not "you", in this spot, we're all good. I see this now.
These are the reasons I cry.
p.s. Falling is letting gravity have it's way with you. It's simple like that, you see?
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Or Is It Because I'm Deaf And Still Losing More Hearing
Relations.
One must remember to click on the SAVED button from time to time. I just lost some words from my Heart and Spirit's and suppose the vibe would be same now as it was before somehow wiping out an entire paragraph or two. I am real big on the Save thing because of early classes that were required when computers really started to hit business and home. Guess I got too involved with what was in mind and the speed my fingers only wish they could tap-tap as fast as the shit comes to mind. I've tip-tapped so much, yet am still such a novice. Saved.
Tonight I speak of home, myself and Kinfolk who have a tough time remembering these issues I have had with the loss of hearing and continuation of loss, for only a few years now. And as such, too much negativity has been building up and stirred with the continuation of the loss of hearing in my Right Ear. It remains so that in a sleep, I am unable to hear a telephone not two feet from my face. Keep in mind I am completely deaf on the Left...
...I can not "hear" while laying down on my right side. It is not my fault that my hearing has decided to go as bad it has gotten. It just has and continues to do so. There is no control or wishing this away. Between this and the sudden loss of all hearing episodes that I get frequently, it is no wonder the depression I have cuts deep. Too deep.
Thing's become alot more clearer once one has heard or experianced the negative energies that comes from those who do hear normally. Kinfolk especially...
...and it is I to let all Relations know at this moment, that I must continue to be subjected to the attitudes of others when I it is necessary to ask, "please repeat that", or "no, I didn't hear you", or something as simple as just a "please say it again", sends Kinfolk into a really ugly fucking mess. Which I permit to provoke a counter attack against these folks...
...shit, I really don't want to lose anymore hearing. I take these attacks personally because I am the one losing the Hearing and really do not understand.
It becomes my fault when someone walks into my dark yet safe, my bed room while I sleep and have my legs brushed and words spoken that I could not hear nor define. It is because I reacted in a horrified manner that the One, who did this was permitted to grow angry and curse me becuase I did not know who the fuck it was at my lower extremities, in the dark with-out a verbal notice. Or at least some form or sort of sound making that would respectfully awaken me.
Yesterday, while shopping at Wally World, I had a person of known relationship, creep up on me from behind - to touch me inappropriately and with raised voice utter some shit I forgot moments later, because this person of known relationship, scared and startled me so bad - so much, I screamed aloud! Loudly and in "public"! Look, really, ONE just never creeps up on a Deaf person or a person who is Hard of Hearing. I mean, I really thought this was common sense, respect and dignity for a person with these disablilties. What in the fuck was she thinking? And then, this person has the fucking nerve to say later, "I have noticed how you scare so much easier lately"...
...oh yeah, really! This shit is too fucked up to be made up. So I have once again established boundaries with both of the before mentioned. As well as the one who wants to play fake American Sign language or the rude ones who insist on whispering.
It's all simple as ABC, really. I have been recieving books and magazines for Hearing Loss and one other publications for two to three years. NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER SEEN ONE PERSON PICK UP ONE TO READ AN ARTICLE. NOT ONCE! When One person in a family has Hearing problems - the whole family has Hearing problems. Fact.
Now, and sadly, there is rubbish going on because of Kinfolks holding in stuff that would be best communicated straight away rather than locked up. I have some responsibilty in this piece because I may have communicated more and even possibly more effective with conversations of the past. With this and these, there will be follow up's to take place. I must ensure this, because what I am "hearing" now is this, "Oh yeah, we said this on such and such" or "Really, we talked about this last week". Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......
No. The fuck we have not! Not if you or someone has not made contact with me. Have MY attention when you begin to speak with me! Look onto my face and into my eye's when you speak, so that I have a better chance of hearing your words and or at least being able to read your lips and body language...
...which seems to be coming along to me more and more naturally.
Reading LIPS, not fucking MINDS!
We have taken one step towards making my enviroment a bit safer and surer today. Brenda and I purchased our "first" piece of equipment which will help me hear the door bell when there is a guest, or UPS or the USPS or a neighbour at the front door. Until, today, while sitting right here at this desk, I had been unable to hear someone ring the front door or knock on the front door. This piece of equipment is a wireless additional door bell that we have placed in the middle of our house. It is very loud and sounds like church bells, ding-ding-ding-dong like. Oh yes, I am so happy! I mean really, we have finally busted a move on getting these tools to make life a little less scarey, alot more secure and safe, and most importantly more aware that someone is at my front door. Yes. I am happy.
All I need is some understanding, love, respect and dignity. As it would be if I wore those other shoes...
...or is it because "I" am the Deaf and Hard of Hearing one.
One must remember to click on the SAVED button from time to time. I just lost some words from my Heart and Spirit's and suppose the vibe would be same now as it was before somehow wiping out an entire paragraph or two. I am real big on the Save thing because of early classes that were required when computers really started to hit business and home. Guess I got too involved with what was in mind and the speed my fingers only wish they could tap-tap as fast as the shit comes to mind. I've tip-tapped so much, yet am still such a novice. Saved.
Tonight I speak of home, myself and Kinfolk who have a tough time remembering these issues I have had with the loss of hearing and continuation of loss, for only a few years now. And as such, too much negativity has been building up and stirred with the continuation of the loss of hearing in my Right Ear. It remains so that in a sleep, I am unable to hear a telephone not two feet from my face. Keep in mind I am completely deaf on the Left...
...I can not "hear" while laying down on my right side. It is not my fault that my hearing has decided to go as bad it has gotten. It just has and continues to do so. There is no control or wishing this away. Between this and the sudden loss of all hearing episodes that I get frequently, it is no wonder the depression I have cuts deep. Too deep.
Thing's become alot more clearer once one has heard or experianced the negative energies that comes from those who do hear normally. Kinfolk especially...
...and it is I to let all Relations know at this moment, that I must continue to be subjected to the attitudes of others when I it is necessary to ask, "please repeat that", or "no, I didn't hear you", or something as simple as just a "please say it again", sends Kinfolk into a really ugly fucking mess. Which I permit to provoke a counter attack against these folks...
...shit, I really don't want to lose anymore hearing. I take these attacks personally because I am the one losing the Hearing and really do not understand.
It becomes my fault when someone walks into my dark yet safe, my bed room while I sleep and have my legs brushed and words spoken that I could not hear nor define. It is because I reacted in a horrified manner that the One, who did this was permitted to grow angry and curse me becuase I did not know who the fuck it was at my lower extremities, in the dark with-out a verbal notice. Or at least some form or sort of sound making that would respectfully awaken me.
Yesterday, while shopping at Wally World, I had a person of known relationship, creep up on me from behind - to touch me inappropriately and with raised voice utter some shit I forgot moments later, because this person of known relationship, scared and startled me so bad - so much, I screamed aloud! Loudly and in "public"! Look, really, ONE just never creeps up on a Deaf person or a person who is Hard of Hearing. I mean, I really thought this was common sense, respect and dignity for a person with these disablilties. What in the fuck was she thinking? And then, this person has the fucking nerve to say later, "I have noticed how you scare so much easier lately"...
...oh yeah, really! This shit is too fucked up to be made up. So I have once again established boundaries with both of the before mentioned. As well as the one who wants to play fake American Sign language or the rude ones who insist on whispering.
It's all simple as ABC, really. I have been recieving books and magazines for Hearing Loss and one other publications for two to three years. NOT ONCE HAVE I EVER SEEN ONE PERSON PICK UP ONE TO READ AN ARTICLE. NOT ONCE! When One person in a family has Hearing problems - the whole family has Hearing problems. Fact.
Now, and sadly, there is rubbish going on because of Kinfolks holding in stuff that would be best communicated straight away rather than locked up. I have some responsibilty in this piece because I may have communicated more and even possibly more effective with conversations of the past. With this and these, there will be follow up's to take place. I must ensure this, because what I am "hearing" now is this, "Oh yeah, we said this on such and such" or "Really, we talked about this last week". Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm.......
No. The fuck we have not! Not if you or someone has not made contact with me. Have MY attention when you begin to speak with me! Look onto my face and into my eye's when you speak, so that I have a better chance of hearing your words and or at least being able to read your lips and body language...
...which seems to be coming along to me more and more naturally.
Reading LIPS, not fucking MINDS!
We have taken one step towards making my enviroment a bit safer and surer today. Brenda and I purchased our "first" piece of equipment which will help me hear the door bell when there is a guest, or UPS or the USPS or a neighbour at the front door. Until, today, while sitting right here at this desk, I had been unable to hear someone ring the front door or knock on the front door. This piece of equipment is a wireless additional door bell that we have placed in the middle of our house. It is very loud and sounds like church bells, ding-ding-ding-dong like. Oh yes, I am so happy! I mean really, we have finally busted a move on getting these tools to make life a little less scarey, alot more secure and safe, and most importantly more aware that someone is at my front door. Yes. I am happy.
All I need is some understanding, love, respect and dignity. As it would be if I wore those other shoes...
...or is it because "I" am the Deaf and Hard of Hearing one.
Is It Because My Skin Is Transparent?
Greetings Relations,
Today is 20 November 2011, and here in Tampa, Flordia it is damned near summertime hot. Damned near, now, I didn't say summertime hot, just sure damned close. Without tools to gage, I would call it 85f. Straight up too! To hot for open windows in this house. Huh, my wife, daughter and these three hounds would be bugging out...
...so, the air condtioner is on. Think, today is 20 November and there are folks burning logs and running up their light bill from having the heater on. There is this fantastic breeze coming across the state from the East, seems's to scoop up all the warm stuff and brings it right onto and over us. Yeah, there's a sweet breeze, but the breeze is warm. Hell, even in the shade it's warm. We have had an early indication of what lies ahead a few days and weeks back. There has been a few "no A.C." night's and this same-as-it-always-has-been weather seems to be right on track to be a cooler and longer Florida Winter...
...I don't need a damned degree to feel and see what weather comes. This DNA, is of and born here in the South. So many multi-generations go back, my brain don't feel like counting them that far back. Oh and please, yes, I have this writen down and placed where I may read and study the names of them who came before me...
...to read the names of the city's and states where they were born, married, lived and died. In my Spirit's Core, there's something about the DNA that orginates from my Mom's Kinfolk, that I find the most interesting, fun, hard working, proud and loving Kinfolk...
...Kinfolk, from the Cherokee Nation in the S.E. To the White Kinfolk. I mean, like white as, White bread white, kinfolk.
Then we had the inter-mingling of the DNA's. These Kinfolk from my dad's side, the Spanish and Italian, the German and Cuban, the Moor's and Kinfolk-Of-Colour. My Relations, taught me that family was so very important. I was raised with this "blood-is-thicker-than-water" saying my whole life and thus I have always been a really big fan and my entire family was a big deal to me...
...until dad died.
Some of these "family" member's standing next to my dad's casket. Talked and spoke with split and cut tounges and were wairing racoon masks..."oh, what a mighty fine this and that", "Oh, he was always there or here". These supposed to be kinfolk didn't even know, "This Father Of Mine"! It was like looking at people speak through their rectum. Their ass holes had lips at my dad's funeral. It was a sight to be seen. This is also. when and where I caught two WOmen Kinfolk, speaking ill/talking shit, of my Dead Mother. No, I'll never ever forget this or them. It was like right then that one million light bulb's began to flick on...
...since dad's crossing, there's been seperate Sierra Family's. No, a better description are split Sierra Family's. It's probably better off for it be this way, for me anyway's This I suspect, has been something that I have permitted to affect and infect my Spirit's over the years. It held a heavy piece of depression in my Core for too many years. In so many way's, I can not even begin to describe, the way I really feel about these, My Kinfolk. Or is it becuase my skin is transparent?
And, now back to the weather...
These are some reasons why I live in Florida. As crazy as it may get, there's something extraordinary about Florida weather. And, by-the-way, I love it when these silly ass weather "persons", take the change in weather personally. As if they were the creator's of the rain, wind, and heat. Let me share with you the truth, Florida Meterologist are wannabe big time t.v. star's. These sometimes very foolish person's will apologize for God making Rain on your picnic day. Or make excuse as to why "it" was not noticed, (in this time and age) that winds and rains wash away entire villages and towns...
...if I was a wannabe, it would be for something much more grandeur than wearing a silly-tie-of-the-day and make predictions on the weather here in Florida.
While it is Great Spirit, has it all under control.
Today is 20 November 2011, and here in Tampa, Flordia it is damned near summertime hot. Damned near, now, I didn't say summertime hot, just sure damned close. Without tools to gage, I would call it 85f. Straight up too! To hot for open windows in this house. Huh, my wife, daughter and these three hounds would be bugging out...
...so, the air condtioner is on. Think, today is 20 November and there are folks burning logs and running up their light bill from having the heater on. There is this fantastic breeze coming across the state from the East, seems's to scoop up all the warm stuff and brings it right onto and over us. Yeah, there's a sweet breeze, but the breeze is warm. Hell, even in the shade it's warm. We have had an early indication of what lies ahead a few days and weeks back. There has been a few "no A.C." night's and this same-as-it-always-has-been weather seems to be right on track to be a cooler and longer Florida Winter...
...I don't need a damned degree to feel and see what weather comes. This DNA, is of and born here in the South. So many multi-generations go back, my brain don't feel like counting them that far back. Oh and please, yes, I have this writen down and placed where I may read and study the names of them who came before me...
...to read the names of the city's and states where they were born, married, lived and died. In my Spirit's Core, there's something about the DNA that orginates from my Mom's Kinfolk, that I find the most interesting, fun, hard working, proud and loving Kinfolk...
...Kinfolk, from the Cherokee Nation in the S.E. To the White Kinfolk. I mean, like white as, White bread white, kinfolk.
Then we had the inter-mingling of the DNA's. These Kinfolk from my dad's side, the Spanish and Italian, the German and Cuban, the Moor's and Kinfolk-Of-Colour. My Relations, taught me that family was so very important. I was raised with this "blood-is-thicker-than-water" saying my whole life and thus I have always been a really big fan and my entire family was a big deal to me...
...until dad died.
Some of these "family" member's standing next to my dad's casket. Talked and spoke with split and cut tounges and were wairing racoon masks..."oh, what a mighty fine this and that", "Oh, he was always there or here". These supposed to be kinfolk didn't even know, "This Father Of Mine"! It was like looking at people speak through their rectum. Their ass holes had lips at my dad's funeral. It was a sight to be seen. This is also. when and where I caught two WOmen Kinfolk, speaking ill/talking shit, of my Dead Mother. No, I'll never ever forget this or them. It was like right then that one million light bulb's began to flick on...
...since dad's crossing, there's been seperate Sierra Family's. No, a better description are split Sierra Family's. It's probably better off for it be this way, for me anyway's This I suspect, has been something that I have permitted to affect and infect my Spirit's over the years. It held a heavy piece of depression in my Core for too many years. In so many way's, I can not even begin to describe, the way I really feel about these, My Kinfolk. Or is it becuase my skin is transparent?
And, now back to the weather...
These are some reasons why I live in Florida. As crazy as it may get, there's something extraordinary about Florida weather. And, by-the-way, I love it when these silly ass weather "persons", take the change in weather personally. As if they were the creator's of the rain, wind, and heat. Let me share with you the truth, Florida Meterologist are wannabe big time t.v. star's. These sometimes very foolish person's will apologize for God making Rain on your picnic day. Or make excuse as to why "it" was not noticed, (in this time and age) that winds and rains wash away entire villages and towns...
...if I was a wannabe, it would be for something much more grandeur than wearing a silly-tie-of-the-day and make predictions on the weather here in Florida.
While it is Great Spirit, has it all under control.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Meniere's, Mourning, and Me, Mario
I have tried to keep my hands, mind and self busy today. With simple tasks about the lodge and out of doors. Have done quite well with this, I think. Especially with a meniere's type of day, today has been...
...the dizziness has been as bad as a Merry-Go-Round nightmare, spinning fast and faster. So intence a piece in time that it was necessary for me to sit for a spell from fear of falling. I am experiancing a bit of a tipsey dizzy at the moment. Wearing it like a ball cap...
...nausea for what seems like all damned day! So much so, my throat is sore from this. Non-productive nausea.
Sweating off and on all day and am presently perspiring around my chest and am also wearing a cap wrapped about this skull of mine. This thick skull of mine. Sometimes I just don't know how it is I maintain. I don't.
My Deaf left ear has been picking up on some form of communications from else-where. There is a pecular sound that is difficult to describe. Almost like a roar of some unknown noise that rises and lowers in volume as it wishes. As if the implant is drawing energies from other sources. Ha! My right good bad ear is having a difficult day with the listening piece. I truly suspect that I am mourning daily the loss of hearing. It horrifies me. The moments of total silence are moments that are too much for me to share at the moment.
The scent of pine smoke drifts in and out by the motion of the wind. The atmosphere. As we sit or stand or walk or run, or sleep or awake. Earth Mother's alway's alive and spinning for us and we.
It seems to me that we/I sometimes wrap ourselves into these minute Orbs of energy and live our lives as if we are the center of our planet. What is paramount to us/we, is what we have spinning, clicking, and working in between our ears. Working, wanting to work, unable to work, all requires a lot of thought and contemplation. Our little lists that we maintain in one of the crevices of the brain and mind...
...say Hello to Mom even though she is dead, you say hello to your's if your Mom's alive. Now. Remember Dad or the In-Law's. Attend to the wife, husband, child, children, dog's and cat's and like today, feed and water our feathered cousins in the sancutary, and be with our Uncle Chester and Aunt Helen Turtle's for a few...
...who's preparing dinner? Is tonight pizza night? Did we say I love you to our Kinfolk? Did I say I Love You to Brenda this morning before she left for work. The car needs an oil change soon. Can't drive anymore. Need to purchase special door bell, special telephones and alarms for the one who is deaf and hard of hearing. So much is going on in our day-to-day's, we are so committed to doing that, that we forget the this or that. Rush. Quicker. Larger. No time for friends. No room for aunts, uncles, and cousins. I see these things that are here and know that it is similar over there with you and your Relations...
...but, can some of us please just STOP for a little bit and see what it is Mother Earth is saying to "you" or "us", or "we". Why is it that so many of us have forgotten to take care of Earth Mother. Really. We only get One Life on this wonderful planet of ours and My God, Earth Mother is as beautiful as the rising Sun, the setting Sun while in Key West...and it is up to us/we to take care of Mother Earth as if we would take care of our OWN, Mother.
Relations, were you aware that Our World, had just recently experianced the extinction of an awesomely huge and beautiful fellow Earth Mate. The African Western Black Rhino is now extinct...
...just like that, "poof" and this extraordinary creature is gone! Extinct! As in forever extinct! And all the press provides is a few paragraphs in this past Sunday's press. This has bothered me so much and so bad that not a day has gone by without this article in my mind and Spirit's. On the flip side of this article there is news that London cabs brace for Olympics. Really.
My Dearest Lord, what am I to do, but mourn the loss of yet another fellow Earth Mate? Today alone, thousands of acres of Rain Forest have been forever and ever cut down, for agriculture. Also for this I mourn. And pray daily. Please Great Spirit, Let Us See What We've Done To Our Earth Mother!
Listen, my Relations, I humbly ask that you remember to take care of yourselves and find time to love and protect our Earth Mom. It's really up to us/we to protect our wild life from extinction. Yes, this does carry weight in my Spirit's...
...in the grand scheme of things, we're all in this together. Whether you think so or not...that's just the way it is.
We've got the whole world in our hands...
...the dizziness has been as bad as a Merry-Go-Round nightmare, spinning fast and faster. So intence a piece in time that it was necessary for me to sit for a spell from fear of falling. I am experiancing a bit of a tipsey dizzy at the moment. Wearing it like a ball cap...
...nausea for what seems like all damned day! So much so, my throat is sore from this. Non-productive nausea.
Sweating off and on all day and am presently perspiring around my chest and am also wearing a cap wrapped about this skull of mine. This thick skull of mine. Sometimes I just don't know how it is I maintain. I don't.
My Deaf left ear has been picking up on some form of communications from else-where. There is a pecular sound that is difficult to describe. Almost like a roar of some unknown noise that rises and lowers in volume as it wishes. As if the implant is drawing energies from other sources. Ha! My right good bad ear is having a difficult day with the listening piece. I truly suspect that I am mourning daily the loss of hearing. It horrifies me. The moments of total silence are moments that are too much for me to share at the moment.
The scent of pine smoke drifts in and out by the motion of the wind. The atmosphere. As we sit or stand or walk or run, or sleep or awake. Earth Mother's alway's alive and spinning for us and we.
It seems to me that we/I sometimes wrap ourselves into these minute Orbs of energy and live our lives as if we are the center of our planet. What is paramount to us/we, is what we have spinning, clicking, and working in between our ears. Working, wanting to work, unable to work, all requires a lot of thought and contemplation. Our little lists that we maintain in one of the crevices of the brain and mind...
...say Hello to Mom even though she is dead, you say hello to your's if your Mom's alive. Now. Remember Dad or the In-Law's. Attend to the wife, husband, child, children, dog's and cat's and like today, feed and water our feathered cousins in the sancutary, and be with our Uncle Chester and Aunt Helen Turtle's for a few...
...who's preparing dinner? Is tonight pizza night? Did we say I love you to our Kinfolk? Did I say I Love You to Brenda this morning before she left for work. The car needs an oil change soon. Can't drive anymore. Need to purchase special door bell, special telephones and alarms for the one who is deaf and hard of hearing. So much is going on in our day-to-day's, we are so committed to doing that, that we forget the this or that. Rush. Quicker. Larger. No time for friends. No room for aunts, uncles, and cousins. I see these things that are here and know that it is similar over there with you and your Relations...
...but, can some of us please just STOP for a little bit and see what it is Mother Earth is saying to "you" or "us", or "we". Why is it that so many of us have forgotten to take care of Earth Mother. Really. We only get One Life on this wonderful planet of ours and My God, Earth Mother is as beautiful as the rising Sun, the setting Sun while in Key West...and it is up to us/we to take care of Mother Earth as if we would take care of our OWN, Mother.
Relations, were you aware that Our World, had just recently experianced the extinction of an awesomely huge and beautiful fellow Earth Mate. The African Western Black Rhino is now extinct...
...just like that, "poof" and this extraordinary creature is gone! Extinct! As in forever extinct! And all the press provides is a few paragraphs in this past Sunday's press. This has bothered me so much and so bad that not a day has gone by without this article in my mind and Spirit's. On the flip side of this article there is news that London cabs brace for Olympics. Really.
My Dearest Lord, what am I to do, but mourn the loss of yet another fellow Earth Mate? Today alone, thousands of acres of Rain Forest have been forever and ever cut down, for agriculture. Also for this I mourn. And pray daily. Please Great Spirit, Let Us See What We've Done To Our Earth Mother!
Listen, my Relations, I humbly ask that you remember to take care of yourselves and find time to love and protect our Earth Mom. It's really up to us/we to protect our wild life from extinction. Yes, this does carry weight in my Spirit's...
...in the grand scheme of things, we're all in this together. Whether you think so or not...that's just the way it is.
We've got the whole world in our hands...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
My Bedside Table + One More Book. Yes, I Know Already!
Greetings Relations!
Yes, I have gone and done it again. I have introduced yet another book to the books I am presently reading and or are collecting dust on my bedside table awaiting my return...
...and oh yes, I will return to the unfinished one's soon. As soon as I am finsihed with these two and really try to give it a go to stop passing by book stores...
...as some Folks, are unable to pass chocolates shops - there is a magnet with-in me that will insist I stop by, even if but for a look and see. Right. Relations, please. I have never exited a book store with out "something" in mind or on my person! Even if but a book mark or a journal. A bag will be in hand.
Anyway's, my daughter and I stopped by the Old Tampa Book Company, in Down Town Tampa after a lunch we had post doctor appointment. It's a wonderful book store that has been in our City of Tampa for years and decades.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown are the proprietors of this fine establishment. This couple has been together for ever and I have truly enjoyed observing their inter-actions over the years. With themselves, their employees, as well as with us their customers. The Brown's, are two of the kindest and most respectable Folks in my Circle. I have never seen Mrs. Brown without a smile on her beautiful face or she never too busy to share a moment. I have seen Mr. Brown, conduct business before and when he does, it's as if his entire focus is on the subject in front of him. So cunning. Sharp as a needle too. Other than what he is considering, all other business is left to Mrs. Brown to take care of.
The store is immaculately clean and has never smelled offensive. There has alway's been the music of Beethoven, Bach, or Mozart, "always" Classical music playing just audible enough over the speakers. If I'm not mistaking, I may have heard USF radio in there before too.
I have been shopping here at the Old Tampa Book Company for approximately twenty two years and never once had a bad shopping experiance. Never once...
...rather like me never once leaving the Old Tampa Book Company, empty handed.
I cherish this tiny little shop of books. Some that are ancient, some that are new, some gently used and I would dare say every subject imaginable. Which, most importantly for me, always has a fine selection and collection of Native American books for me to choose from. Some even with autographs from the author. I call these Easter Eggs. True? Especially when I see on my receipt that Mrs. or Mr. Brown, has offered me the gift of a fine discount. As if I were Kinship to them...
...I love them both.
The book I purchased is a first edition of Mr. Larry McMurtry's, "OH WHAT A SLAUGHTER, MASSACRES IN THE AMERICAN WEST: 1846 - 1890". This was an instant draw to me becuase I wanted to read how Mr. McMurtry, was going to discuss Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse, Red Cloud and Wounded Knee. In my center, I felt the words were writen well and with respect. I read more of the "what if's" in this book than before. Am just about done with this particular one by Mr. McMurtry. Have also read his book, "Crazy Horse", which was an excellent read...
...as soon as this one is completed I will return to "Custer Died For Your Sins, An Indian Manifesto". What a damned good book this one has turned out to be. Absolutely brilliant!
Reading for me in this place and time, is a form of therapy that occupys space and time...
...and is educational as well, which is just so bonus. I so very truly enjoy reading and writing. Who knows?
Maybe someday...
Yes, I have gone and done it again. I have introduced yet another book to the books I am presently reading and or are collecting dust on my bedside table awaiting my return...
...and oh yes, I will return to the unfinished one's soon. As soon as I am finsihed with these two and really try to give it a go to stop passing by book stores...
...as some Folks, are unable to pass chocolates shops - there is a magnet with-in me that will insist I stop by, even if but for a look and see. Right. Relations, please. I have never exited a book store with out "something" in mind or on my person! Even if but a book mark or a journal. A bag will be in hand.
Anyway's, my daughter and I stopped by the Old Tampa Book Company, in Down Town Tampa after a lunch we had post doctor appointment. It's a wonderful book store that has been in our City of Tampa for years and decades.
Mr. and Mrs. Brown are the proprietors of this fine establishment. This couple has been together for ever and I have truly enjoyed observing their inter-actions over the years. With themselves, their employees, as well as with us their customers. The Brown's, are two of the kindest and most respectable Folks in my Circle. I have never seen Mrs. Brown without a smile on her beautiful face or she never too busy to share a moment. I have seen Mr. Brown, conduct business before and when he does, it's as if his entire focus is on the subject in front of him. So cunning. Sharp as a needle too. Other than what he is considering, all other business is left to Mrs. Brown to take care of.
The store is immaculately clean and has never smelled offensive. There has alway's been the music of Beethoven, Bach, or Mozart, "always" Classical music playing just audible enough over the speakers. If I'm not mistaking, I may have heard USF radio in there before too.
I have been shopping here at the Old Tampa Book Company for approximately twenty two years and never once had a bad shopping experiance. Never once...
...rather like me never once leaving the Old Tampa Book Company, empty handed.
I cherish this tiny little shop of books. Some that are ancient, some that are new, some gently used and I would dare say every subject imaginable. Which, most importantly for me, always has a fine selection and collection of Native American books for me to choose from. Some even with autographs from the author. I call these Easter Eggs. True? Especially when I see on my receipt that Mrs. or Mr. Brown, has offered me the gift of a fine discount. As if I were Kinship to them...
...I love them both.
The book I purchased is a first edition of Mr. Larry McMurtry's, "OH WHAT A SLAUGHTER, MASSACRES IN THE AMERICAN WEST: 1846 - 1890". This was an instant draw to me becuase I wanted to read how Mr. McMurtry, was going to discuss Sitting Bull, Crazy Horse, Red Cloud and Wounded Knee. In my center, I felt the words were writen well and with respect. I read more of the "what if's" in this book than before. Am just about done with this particular one by Mr. McMurtry. Have also read his book, "Crazy Horse", which was an excellent read...
...as soon as this one is completed I will return to "Custer Died For Your Sins, An Indian Manifesto". What a damned good book this one has turned out to be. Absolutely brilliant!
Reading for me in this place and time, is a form of therapy that occupys space and time...
...and is educational as well, which is just so bonus. I so very truly enjoy reading and writing. Who knows?
Maybe someday...
Later, A Visit With Sir Dude, My Therapist
Good Afternoon to all Relations!
In a short three hours I will be sitting and most hopefully seated in my most favorite big puffy comfy chair in the world. Sitting across from my therapist and confidant, Sir Dude. A day will come when I will be comfortable enough to share his name, but for now I am happy with his special name. The "Top Secret" name. Hell, he's a special therapist and I don't know too many folks who actually know his name. I think for now, this is good. I really don't want to share him anyway's.
Today, I will share tea during our gathering and will ensure the right good gentleman does not begin to have this..."duuuude, I'm about to fall asleep look on his face". Because I say this now, I will scream as loud as I can to awaken him and to stir the entire practice into a buzzing bunch of bee's...
...what? You don't know? Well, apparently neither does Sir Dude, because I will hollar as if calling the cows and pigs home to feed. Look, I'm just saying. I understand he may have grown exhausted from the yackity-yack-yack of his other patients, but I'm just not the One. Ya know? There's still too much in hand, too much in the brain/mind that I combat with every damned day. Yes, we will celebrate the going's on yesterday with He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage, but damn, I have the remainder of this Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket full of shit inside of me that I must continue to chip away at.
At this moment in time, this is an important piece and part of my job. True? True. Right then.
Maybe a cup of tea with some gusto, so as to get him proper good and at attention. I ask you now, Great Spirit, please do not let the fellow fall asleep on me...
...folks, will be dialing up the 911. Thinking "oh shit, Mr. Sierra's done lost it now you all!". Relations, the 911 over here is the Emergency Response number to call for when a person or patient has lost their flippin' mind. Besides all other types of emergencies. Green? Alright? OK?
I won't and don't think I need to make an itemized list of issues and or problems at this very minute. For my Relations who read these words, you know what I deal with. My plate remains full and at times spills over. I deal with whatever issues suface, do my best to combat it, deal with it and move on. All of the where. what and when it resurfaces, is on a case by case. I deal with it then and again. No matter what the "it" may be...
...the "it" smells like shit sometimes. I tell you no lie. Like Cow Shit!
Wait! Let me Share this. I have this Circle of family and friends, who love to share their thoughts about how good I look and how they're so happy for me. Please, don't say anything to anyone about what I'm about to say, but there are times when I really have this want and or need to say and or scream, "What in the hell?". Naw Boo, it's more like "what the fuck"? Really? I mean. I do love the compliments, please, who doesn't? But please, and I do say this kindly, please don't go diagnosing me with your diagnoses...
...and remember this. As I stated earlier, this is my job. To have positive energies and vibe's about me and if I insist on keeping my chin up, it is part of my Policy and Procedures. For the most part I do a pretty damned good show about it. But please, don't ever say you're happy for me, because you do not have the slightest clue what it is that lies beneath the surface of my skin, this fat and muscles and bones...
...or even and especially, what it is that is going on in this deeply complicated mind of mine. No. Be here or be there for me. Love me. Hug me. Feed me. Speak with me, but no, don't.
Now, on the flip side of this is if One says they're happy to see me, then we're on a whole damned different field and ball park. Because Sweetie Pie, if you're happy to see me, I sure as hell am probably happy to see you! And, oh, we'll have some chit-chat and maybe speak about this and that. Maybe have some tea, or Coca Cola or Pepsi, water, or a Red Stripe. But, as my sweetest bride has told me, ovah and ovah, I am like a Hen in a Hen House Honey, because once the motor get's turned on - we will talk and chit-chat. Huh? Okay then, I thought you knew.
So please, Relations, do keep in touch and I'll keep you in the loop. We just won't play Doctor. Okay? And whenever you're ready to call or stop by for a talk................"Holla"!
To All Relations, Love, Peace and More Peace...
In a short three hours I will be sitting and most hopefully seated in my most favorite big puffy comfy chair in the world. Sitting across from my therapist and confidant, Sir Dude. A day will come when I will be comfortable enough to share his name, but for now I am happy with his special name. The "Top Secret" name. Hell, he's a special therapist and I don't know too many folks who actually know his name. I think for now, this is good. I really don't want to share him anyway's.
Today, I will share tea during our gathering and will ensure the right good gentleman does not begin to have this..."duuuude, I'm about to fall asleep look on his face". Because I say this now, I will scream as loud as I can to awaken him and to stir the entire practice into a buzzing bunch of bee's...
...what? You don't know? Well, apparently neither does Sir Dude, because I will hollar as if calling the cows and pigs home to feed. Look, I'm just saying. I understand he may have grown exhausted from the yackity-yack-yack of his other patients, but I'm just not the One. Ya know? There's still too much in hand, too much in the brain/mind that I combat with every damned day. Yes, we will celebrate the going's on yesterday with He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage, but damn, I have the remainder of this Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket full of shit inside of me that I must continue to chip away at.
At this moment in time, this is an important piece and part of my job. True? True. Right then.
Maybe a cup of tea with some gusto, so as to get him proper good and at attention. I ask you now, Great Spirit, please do not let the fellow fall asleep on me...
...folks, will be dialing up the 911. Thinking "oh shit, Mr. Sierra's done lost it now you all!". Relations, the 911 over here is the Emergency Response number to call for when a person or patient has lost their flippin' mind. Besides all other types of emergencies. Green? Alright? OK?
I won't and don't think I need to make an itemized list of issues and or problems at this very minute. For my Relations who read these words, you know what I deal with. My plate remains full and at times spills over. I deal with whatever issues suface, do my best to combat it, deal with it and move on. All of the where. what and when it resurfaces, is on a case by case. I deal with it then and again. No matter what the "it" may be...
...the "it" smells like shit sometimes. I tell you no lie. Like Cow Shit!
Wait! Let me Share this. I have this Circle of family and friends, who love to share their thoughts about how good I look and how they're so happy for me. Please, don't say anything to anyone about what I'm about to say, but there are times when I really have this want and or need to say and or scream, "What in the hell?". Naw Boo, it's more like "what the fuck"? Really? I mean. I do love the compliments, please, who doesn't? But please, and I do say this kindly, please don't go diagnosing me with your diagnoses...
...and remember this. As I stated earlier, this is my job. To have positive energies and vibe's about me and if I insist on keeping my chin up, it is part of my Policy and Procedures. For the most part I do a pretty damned good show about it. But please, don't ever say you're happy for me, because you do not have the slightest clue what it is that lies beneath the surface of my skin, this fat and muscles and bones...
...or even and especially, what it is that is going on in this deeply complicated mind of mine. No. Be here or be there for me. Love me. Hug me. Feed me. Speak with me, but no, don't.
Now, on the flip side of this is if One says they're happy to see me, then we're on a whole damned different field and ball park. Because Sweetie Pie, if you're happy to see me, I sure as hell am probably happy to see you! And, oh, we'll have some chit-chat and maybe speak about this and that. Maybe have some tea, or Coca Cola or Pepsi, water, or a Red Stripe. But, as my sweetest bride has told me, ovah and ovah, I am like a Hen in a Hen House Honey, because once the motor get's turned on - we will talk and chit-chat. Huh? Okay then, I thought you knew.
So please, Relations, do keep in touch and I'll keep you in the loop. We just won't play Doctor. Okay? And whenever you're ready to call or stop by for a talk................"Holla"!
To All Relations, Love, Peace and More Peace...
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
An Execution Completed
The execution of the ******, who murdered the Mother and her two daughter's from Ohio, was offically rendered "dead" at 1627 yesterday.
There was a delay in the execution and no reasons have come to the news and or press...
...it did not matter to me. As long as ******, was "put to sleep" and pronounced dead.
There usually is a large crowd of protestors out-side of the Florida State Pen...
...not yesterday. A very few and not even the *******, family or Kinfolk came to "see" him off.
I am not ordinarily the type of fellow who is "for" the Death Penalty...
...in case's such as this one, for me, this is a no-brainer.
This bastard was supposed to be executed. But please, case's like this one need to be expedited and gotten over and done with. To know that our taxes are going to clothe, feed and provide health care to these evil doer's way beyond me...
...when there is nothing but stone cold evidence that an evil one has committed such terrible crimes, then that's when I say, "flip the switch!"
God Bless the family of the victims. A cousin and the husband and father of the victims flew down from Ohio.
Um, I would have been cheering and rooting..."flip that switch!", "flip that switch!", as if I was at a baseball game cheering...
...over and over. Until, that *******, did not take one more breathe.
Not even an eye to twitch...
There was a delay in the execution and no reasons have come to the news and or press...
...it did not matter to me. As long as ******, was "put to sleep" and pronounced dead.
There usually is a large crowd of protestors out-side of the Florida State Pen...
...not yesterday. A very few and not even the *******, family or Kinfolk came to "see" him off.
I am not ordinarily the type of fellow who is "for" the Death Penalty...
...in case's such as this one, for me, this is a no-brainer.
This bastard was supposed to be executed. But please, case's like this one need to be expedited and gotten over and done with. To know that our taxes are going to clothe, feed and provide health care to these evil doer's way beyond me...
...when there is nothing but stone cold evidence that an evil one has committed such terrible crimes, then that's when I say, "flip the switch!"
God Bless the family of the victims. A cousin and the husband and father of the victims flew down from Ohio.
Um, I would have been cheering and rooting..."flip that switch!", "flip that switch!", as if I was at a baseball game cheering...
...over and over. Until, that *******, did not take one more breathe.
Not even an eye to twitch...
Meniere's On A Wednesday, C'est Mario, C'est La Vie...
...there very truly must be something special within this DNA. "This" wonderful Mixed Breed blood of mine...
...this something, that's forever urging me onward, talking it and trying like all Hell to walk it, ya see? It is a daily process with Meniere's, the asthma and the other odd's, ends and what-not's, but there is something alway's, something screaming PUSH! Dude, PUSH! Pray Until Something Happens! So I do.
Even in and with day's like today, when and where the Meniere's Disease, has had me gagging and nauseated since I awoke this morning. I got up this morning anyways to keep my appointment with my Doctor. The dizziness feels like a light-headed and airy dizziness. The type for me that reminds me of when I have traveled onto higher ground. Like mountain top's. But I continue to tip-tap and do my best to Share some of me with you.
Today, I have held on to my quad cane with white knuckles and walked with a purpose, fore if not, I would have been the human bumper car dude yet again. Perhaps even take a fall. I mean, I have scratches, bruises and scar's from where I have "just" upped and walked or have fallen into/against/upon, chairs, coffee table, book cases, especially the walls that seem to move into my way. The floor under my feet is an unforgiving floor and or ground. all of which gets really-really old.
My Deaf Left Ear is is picking up a faint peck at the Morris Code this afternoon. On occasion the tick-tickity-tick-tick or the beep-beeeeeeeep-beeping increases in volume and quantity. I have heard two codes going on simultaneously today. Which is something I had not picked up on as far as I can remember. My Right Hard of Hearing ear is having a tough day at listening today. Heck, even with my implant in place it has been an unsatisfactory day for hearing. Since 11.11.11, there has been an incredable increase in sudden total "blackout". No hearing, as in total deafness. Seem's, mainly in the late of night that this comes about, now that I think about it. But this has happened day and night...
...the Right-Good-Bad-Ear, continues to plop and ploop and pop. Have had experiances when I have heard a very loud POP, that I react all goofy-fied, jumping and screaming, what the hell? No, no one else hears what I hear. 98% of the time anyway, anyhow. Look, and okay, it is funny sometimes, but I be damned. Know what I mean? Alright then.
The Worms have continued to whoop and holler, but have moved from my face. Which for me, was a major deal. Imagine.....
Enough. Did not want to drift off into another arena of my woe's and illness's...
...this tip-tapping goes out to one and all who have prayed for me, them who have meditated or have even contemplated healthy energies my way, I am forever indebted. Thank you, from my Spirit's to your's, I thank you all.
As I am grateful and thankful, to My One God! Oh, My Great God!
Now, let me go fetch John and give him a good bathe and brush. Soon as I get over these post-vertigo attack shit's, I think I just may jump up on him and give us a mighty grand time.
Life...
...this something, that's forever urging me onward, talking it and trying like all Hell to walk it, ya see? It is a daily process with Meniere's, the asthma and the other odd's, ends and what-not's, but there is something alway's, something screaming PUSH! Dude, PUSH! Pray Until Something Happens! So I do.
Even in and with day's like today, when and where the Meniere's Disease, has had me gagging and nauseated since I awoke this morning. I got up this morning anyways to keep my appointment with my Doctor. The dizziness feels like a light-headed and airy dizziness. The type for me that reminds me of when I have traveled onto higher ground. Like mountain top's. But I continue to tip-tap and do my best to Share some of me with you.
Today, I have held on to my quad cane with white knuckles and walked with a purpose, fore if not, I would have been the human bumper car dude yet again. Perhaps even take a fall. I mean, I have scratches, bruises and scar's from where I have "just" upped and walked or have fallen into/against/upon, chairs, coffee table, book cases, especially the walls that seem to move into my way. The floor under my feet is an unforgiving floor and or ground. all of which gets really-really old.
My Deaf Left Ear is is picking up a faint peck at the Morris Code this afternoon. On occasion the tick-tickity-tick-tick or the beep-beeeeeeeep-beeping increases in volume and quantity. I have heard two codes going on simultaneously today. Which is something I had not picked up on as far as I can remember. My Right Hard of Hearing ear is having a tough day at listening today. Heck, even with my implant in place it has been an unsatisfactory day for hearing. Since 11.11.11, there has been an incredable increase in sudden total "blackout". No hearing, as in total deafness. Seem's, mainly in the late of night that this comes about, now that I think about it. But this has happened day and night...
...the Right-Good-Bad-Ear, continues to plop and ploop and pop. Have had experiances when I have heard a very loud POP, that I react all goofy-fied, jumping and screaming, what the hell? No, no one else hears what I hear. 98% of the time anyway, anyhow. Look, and okay, it is funny sometimes, but I be damned. Know what I mean? Alright then.
The Worms have continued to whoop and holler, but have moved from my face. Which for me, was a major deal. Imagine.....
Enough. Did not want to drift off into another arena of my woe's and illness's...
...this tip-tapping goes out to one and all who have prayed for me, them who have meditated or have even contemplated healthy energies my way, I am forever indebted. Thank you, from my Spirit's to your's, I thank you all.
As I am grateful and thankful, to My One God! Oh, My Great God!
Now, let me go fetch John and give him a good bathe and brush. Soon as I get over these post-vertigo attack shit's, I think I just may jump up on him and give us a mighty grand time.
Life...
A Visit With He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage
Relations, it is with a grateful and thankful heart that I am able to report to you that all procedures, laboratory work, and tests have come back, "thumbs up excellent!"! One Thousand YES'S!
He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage, informed Brenda and I, of minor swelling of prostrate and as I reported before an enlarged bladder. And, oh yes, I continue to work on the every two hour pass-the-pee-process. He spoke of a very low level on a PSA, informed Brenda and I that I have the business of peeing and innards better than a twenty year old! I mean really! Me? I want to say hello? Just once, and then - Doctor was in such a celebratory state and kept giving us the thumbs up and wink-winked a couple of times in my general direction. I mean, I knew there wasn't anybody behind us because we were in an enclosed area...
...but wink-winked, I'll tell you...
...I know he was being out right celebratory for me and for us! Which really made me feel so instantly relieved and better at ease with the whole Touching-Of-My-Undercarriage and stuff's. The next time I visit Doctor, is in three months. When I go to pass (pee) water into a beaker and have tests run and done on that. No more rectal probes, no more wiggly fingers, no more touching's of the junk and such and such.
Saying yes, I am happy is an understatement. There is a sensation in my Spirit's that seems to have been touched by Great Spirit. Or One of His Warrior Angels, sent my way to ensure all is good in these innards. Overjoyed is so very much closer to the way I feel at this moment. A Blessed One and a very, very Thankful One. Yes!
And now for something not too different...
...The Business of Establishing a Better State of Good Health continues and has had a wonderfully brilliant step forward. My Good God, I am able to let this loose now. Which creates more space between my ear's to concentrate on the urgent state of health, NOW! And to have the emotional and psychological related issues as an entire package.
I am eager, excited and motivated, all meshed into a One. My Heart, my Spirit's. You see?
Please, then, let me Thank You All. The All of my Relations who have prayed, meditated or contemplated your positive energies, love and hopes for good health my way. I am indebted to you all - One-and-All, I thank you. From my Heart to Your Heart. From my Spirit's to Your Spirit's.
I am also knowing that there are real road blocks ahead of me on this, My Path, but I am committed and compelled to push onward. It's as if there is a natural perpetual fountain of energies that flow through my every DNA...
He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage, informed Brenda and I, of minor swelling of prostrate and as I reported before an enlarged bladder. And, oh yes, I continue to work on the every two hour pass-the-pee-process. He spoke of a very low level on a PSA, informed Brenda and I that I have the business of peeing and innards better than a twenty year old! I mean really! Me? I want to say hello? Just once, and then - Doctor was in such a celebratory state and kept giving us the thumbs up and wink-winked a couple of times in my general direction. I mean, I knew there wasn't anybody behind us because we were in an enclosed area...
...but wink-winked, I'll tell you...
...I know he was being out right celebratory for me and for us! Which really made me feel so instantly relieved and better at ease with the whole Touching-Of-My-Undercarriage and stuff's. The next time I visit Doctor, is in three months. When I go to pass (pee) water into a beaker and have tests run and done on that. No more rectal probes, no more wiggly fingers, no more touching's of the junk and such and such.
Saying yes, I am happy is an understatement. There is a sensation in my Spirit's that seems to have been touched by Great Spirit. Or One of His Warrior Angels, sent my way to ensure all is good in these innards. Overjoyed is so very much closer to the way I feel at this moment. A Blessed One and a very, very Thankful One. Yes!
And now for something not too different...
...The Business of Establishing a Better State of Good Health continues and has had a wonderfully brilliant step forward. My Good God, I am able to let this loose now. Which creates more space between my ear's to concentrate on the urgent state of health, NOW! And to have the emotional and psychological related issues as an entire package.
I am eager, excited and motivated, all meshed into a One. My Heart, my Spirit's. You see?
Please, then, let me Thank You All. The All of my Relations who have prayed, meditated or contemplated your positive energies, love and hopes for good health my way. I am indebted to you all - One-and-All, I thank you. From my Heart to Your Heart. From my Spirit's to Your Spirit's.
I am also knowing that there are real road blocks ahead of me on this, My Path, but I am committed and compelled to push onward. It's as if there is a natural perpetual fountain of energies that flow through my every DNA...
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
At 1600, Today An Execution
At this very moment it is 1520 here in Tampa, Florida.
The sky is a big Florida clear blue sky. The Sun is bright and very warm.
In approxitmately 44 minutes a *******, will be executed here in Florida. He will die a peaceful death/induced into sleep and then death by an injection of medications.
This ******, is unfit to be called a Human or even a Man. He lost that right back in 1989. One year after I moved my wife and daughter's up here to Tampa to "get away" from it all down South of here.
******, name is Oba Chandler. He raped, tortured, and killed a mother and her two teen daughters who were here from Ohio on holidays. This ******, took the mother and two daughters out on his boat. He placed duct tape over their mouths, tied them with rope and then did hideous and heinous acts upon them. One at a time...
...it is 1533 at this moment...
...this *******, made these WOmen, watch what ****, was doing to their Kin.
Made each watch the torture and rape. Then watch as ****, tied each with rope to a cement block and throw each one by one into the Waters, I call mine.
This ******, is going to die too fucking easy today. I am a simple person and there have been plenty of injustices witnessed by me in my day's here on Mother Earth. Even times when I had doubt about a person's innocence. Especially when it comes to People of Color or minorities. Don't ask.
But this *******, would be better off burned to death, slowly. Like the White's did here and in England to those they thought were witches...
...it's 1540 at this instant...
...bullets would be unjustly spent, wasted and would do nothing but expedite this *******, death. Maybe not even what the French did with the guillotine is enough justice flowing through my blood. Not even turning **** loose in General Public would bring satifaction.
This ******, changed and scarred an entire tri-county area. I will never ever forget the horror's of what went through my mind as a husband, a father and as a Survivor of Incest, Rape and Sexual Abuse.
Oh My Dearest Great Spirit, forgive me for my thoughts and inablilty to pray for this ******. I do pray that please, that You, take *****, away from here. To serve his eternity else where.
...it's 1554...
And as One from the outside looking in, Justice will not be served until this *****, is executed. It's too damned bad the state took the electric chair away. I would have wanted the Officer of the Day, stop after a minute or two. Then resume the pulse of electricity flowing through ***** body until fire and smoke raised from the skull of this ******.
...it is 1557...
The remainder of this is in Great Spirit's hands. It is time for me to back off and Let It Be God's Will, Not Mine...
...it's 1559...
Fuck You Oba Chandler!!
The sky is a big Florida clear blue sky. The Sun is bright and very warm.
In approxitmately 44 minutes a *******, will be executed here in Florida. He will die a peaceful death/induced into sleep and then death by an injection of medications.
This ******, is unfit to be called a Human or even a Man. He lost that right back in 1989. One year after I moved my wife and daughter's up here to Tampa to "get away" from it all down South of here.
******, name is Oba Chandler. He raped, tortured, and killed a mother and her two teen daughters who were here from Ohio on holidays. This ******, took the mother and two daughters out on his boat. He placed duct tape over their mouths, tied them with rope and then did hideous and heinous acts upon them. One at a time...
...it is 1533 at this moment...
...this *******, made these WOmen, watch what ****, was doing to their Kin.
Made each watch the torture and rape. Then watch as ****, tied each with rope to a cement block and throw each one by one into the Waters, I call mine.
This ******, is going to die too fucking easy today. I am a simple person and there have been plenty of injustices witnessed by me in my day's here on Mother Earth. Even times when I had doubt about a person's innocence. Especially when it comes to People of Color or minorities. Don't ask.
But this *******, would be better off burned to death, slowly. Like the White's did here and in England to those they thought were witches...
...it's 1540 at this instant...
...bullets would be unjustly spent, wasted and would do nothing but expedite this *******, death. Maybe not even what the French did with the guillotine is enough justice flowing through my blood. Not even turning **** loose in General Public would bring satifaction.
This ******, changed and scarred an entire tri-county area. I will never ever forget the horror's of what went through my mind as a husband, a father and as a Survivor of Incest, Rape and Sexual Abuse.
Oh My Dearest Great Spirit, forgive me for my thoughts and inablilty to pray for this ******. I do pray that please, that You, take *****, away from here. To serve his eternity else where.
...it's 1554...
And as One from the outside looking in, Justice will not be served until this *****, is executed. It's too damned bad the state took the electric chair away. I would have wanted the Officer of the Day, stop after a minute or two. Then resume the pulse of electricity flowing through ***** body until fire and smoke raised from the skull of this ******.
...it is 1557...
The remainder of this is in Great Spirit's hands. It is time for me to back off and Let It Be God's Will, Not Mine...
...it's 1559...
Fuck You Oba Chandler!!
Monday, November 14, 2011
Single Side Deaf & Hard of Hearing
Thought I would lay down to sleep, but I laid down to have my mind flooded with memories and the sounds and noises in my ears. Remembering certain songs I sure as hell listened to with both ears and those with one. For me, it's sad to say, I have forgotten what it hears like to listen with both ears...
...there's way too many good times and songs and concerts to remember with both ears. No, it's not the same with my implant on and activated at a concert. I know because I have tried it. There was one time when somehow and or someway, when Brenda and I went to see George Michael, a couple years ago it was right on the money! I don't think I even took the processor off. Oh my God, and to have been with-in a few feet of one of my Life Long favorites, it was a dream come true. It really was just like he was performing for Brenda and I alone. If he had wanted tea or a cock-tail or two we would've had him over, but he really did have to go after the show...
...let me stop it! All this drama and scandal up in here!
I remember listening to George Straight with both and one. Reba was with One Ear. Listened to my Sweet Tanya Tucker, with both once and One-sided deaf once at the Strawberry Festival. Sure as shit and had all of these "older folk" look at me with their odd eye balls looking because I had a computer attached to the side of my skull. Hell, I really truly believe Tanya, was making eye's with mine damned near the whole show. She sure did make me feel special. Yes, we were that close, and yes, I love Tanya Tucker, and Yes, she kept looking at me trying to remember, "where in the hell do I remember this S.O.B. from"?. Or so I would like to think, because the last her eye's met mine we were both 12 years old and we met over at George Jones and Tammy's house. God, know's I remember.
I have seen and listened to Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks and Lidsay in show so many times I have forgotten how many.......all before I lost my Left Deaf Ear. Listened to and enjoyed Donna Summers with both. Grace Jones too!
John "Cougar" Mellancamp, Lover Boy. Michael Jackson with The Jackson's. Bob James. Tim McGraw. Faith Hill. Kenny Cheney, all were in show while I had both ears...
...Alan Jackson was with One. George Straight was once with both. Reba and Lee Ann Womack, Brian Miller, all with One Ear. All too many to remember!
The Point? I think some of us who have lost hearing and or are losing hearing, there comes a point that is refered to as prior to and post of. It's a Deaf thang, you wouldn't understand.
There is AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE, I wish to SHARE with one and all. That is, when One person in the family has a hearing problem, the whole family has a hearing problem. I have magazines here with articles from every walk of life, there is information on equipment that appears to cost the same as used trucks or jeeps, and if folks, worked as a team, much could be accomplished. There are too many folks not listening to me. You see? When someone tells me "you don't hear" or "you don't listen", I already know that. I'm the one that can not drive to and from. So I wonder and think to myself, who is this that can't listen? There are many pieces of equipment that I would make my life a safer place to be and my home a safer place to live...
...it's a mighty big damned shame when money becomes an issue and an even bigger shame when Folks in the Circle, forget that I really am Single Sided Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I've seen it in their eye's, you see?
Maybe it should not puzzle me as much as it does. But, it does.
Have I been forfeited?
...there's way too many good times and songs and concerts to remember with both ears. No, it's not the same with my implant on and activated at a concert. I know because I have tried it. There was one time when somehow and or someway, when Brenda and I went to see George Michael, a couple years ago it was right on the money! I don't think I even took the processor off. Oh my God, and to have been with-in a few feet of one of my Life Long favorites, it was a dream come true. It really was just like he was performing for Brenda and I alone. If he had wanted tea or a cock-tail or two we would've had him over, but he really did have to go after the show...
...let me stop it! All this drama and scandal up in here!
I remember listening to George Straight with both and one. Reba was with One Ear. Listened to my Sweet Tanya Tucker, with both once and One-sided deaf once at the Strawberry Festival. Sure as shit and had all of these "older folk" look at me with their odd eye balls looking because I had a computer attached to the side of my skull. Hell, I really truly believe Tanya, was making eye's with mine damned near the whole show. She sure did make me feel special. Yes, we were that close, and yes, I love Tanya Tucker, and Yes, she kept looking at me trying to remember, "where in the hell do I remember this S.O.B. from"?. Or so I would like to think, because the last her eye's met mine we were both 12 years old and we met over at George Jones and Tammy's house. God, know's I remember.
I have seen and listened to Fleetwood Mac, Stevie Nicks and Lidsay in show so many times I have forgotten how many.......all before I lost my Left Deaf Ear. Listened to and enjoyed Donna Summers with both. Grace Jones too!
John "Cougar" Mellancamp, Lover Boy. Michael Jackson with The Jackson's. Bob James. Tim McGraw. Faith Hill. Kenny Cheney, all were in show while I had both ears...
...Alan Jackson was with One. George Straight was once with both. Reba and Lee Ann Womack, Brian Miller, all with One Ear. All too many to remember!
The Point? I think some of us who have lost hearing and or are losing hearing, there comes a point that is refered to as prior to and post of. It's a Deaf thang, you wouldn't understand.
There is AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE, I wish to SHARE with one and all. That is, when One person in the family has a hearing problem, the whole family has a hearing problem. I have magazines here with articles from every walk of life, there is information on equipment that appears to cost the same as used trucks or jeeps, and if folks, worked as a team, much could be accomplished. There are too many folks not listening to me. You see? When someone tells me "you don't hear" or "you don't listen", I already know that. I'm the one that can not drive to and from. So I wonder and think to myself, who is this that can't listen? There are many pieces of equipment that I would make my life a safer place to be and my home a safer place to live...
...it's a mighty big damned shame when money becomes an issue and an even bigger shame when Folks in the Circle, forget that I really am Single Sided Deaf and Hard of Hearing. I've seen it in their eye's, you see?
Maybe it should not puzzle me as much as it does. But, it does.
Have I been forfeited?
Meniere's Report, 14 November 2011
Very much based on the amount of sleep I have had since the 11th, I do in fact conclude I had an attack of Meniere's/Vertigo of some form or another on that day.
The sleeping and the amount of extreme exhaustion I have carried, besides eveything that I had shared with you, my guest, on that day, brings to the forefront of mind, self-sense and self-awareness that yes, I had an attack on 11.11.11.
...although I knew, and even though I fought hard to remain functional and maintain a level headedness, I failed miserably. The sleep is what assisted me most in getting through these past complicated three days. I pushed where and when I was able...
...even accompanied Brenda and Baby Daughter, to The Big Red Box Store. After maybe fifteen minutes and two or three wobbles and knocks into end-caps, I began to sweat profusely. As if I was suddenly melting in an air conditioned big red box...
There is a peculiar and yet another symptom to mention about the symptoms I've experianced with this miserable Meniere's Disease. I've experianced this when walking and or sitting even. It is this, I have seen "my World" tilt! As in tilting! A good degree lean and tilt. What I am positivly knowing is that I have seen my world tilt to the left. I mean, one moment at the store with the big red dot, I was walking down an aisle and I saw all the folks leaning, the product aisle's were tilting and leaning. This episode was a ZAP!, but I have had these episodes last maybe three or four minutes. I had the pretty red buggy to brace myself with until the all clear was givin. Them that last a few minutes are the ones I lay down for. It is also these episodes that stir up laying syptoms of meniere's. I can tell you this. This has happened while viewing the televion. Just up and "Life" goes tilted...
...my right hard of hearing ear is still host to giant crickets and cicada's. I wear a mist of perspiration at the instant and am dizzy with a mix of coordination and balance issue's. Nausea is mid. I am sleepy.
Great Spirit, Please, guide my words and my mind to a peacful place as I tip-tap along alone here this afternoon...
I know I have tried to communicate to others on the "where" it is I find myself at any given moment/minute on this, My Path. I sure as hell have communicated with words spoken aloud to a good number of Relations. MOST surely to them close to me, with-in my Circle, AND on the business end of it of all, THE PROFESSIONALS, who are suppossedly engaged with my life's ado's. Them also known as "Them-Who-Are-Getting-Paid", are hired to council and teach me and the all of me, and lead me and we away from where I have strayed and have faltered. The breakage. I feel in my hearts heart, my words are not being heard. As if I speak into an empty room. Them with "busy" ear's, hmmm, them with no ears. Don't hear the breakage.
Don't you see that all I need is LOVE?! YES, I am human. A simple, yet complicated One who just needs LOVE, PEACE and UNDERSTADING. I mean Good God? How is it that when I speak I get into trouble?! And how is it that if i do not speak...really? I need you to be more here with me than other where. Listening. Listening? No names mentioned. Just really, en'it okay you help me this time? I mean, I am tired of living like this. My mind. My body. How can One, support another with the word "no" too much included. The word No implies a negative energy. While it is one, one must hear on occassion, it's the positive's that are not here. How can One apply Good, Bright, and Hard Worked For Energies, into something that has had a "no, you can't or a "no, you won't"...
...uhhhh, I am feeling in my very Spirit right know that this is counter to where I am headed. I can't stop! I won't stop! There's so much at stake. There IS just SO much at stake. I am TOO DAMNED YOUNG to have a top placed on the top of my name. The claustrophob won't let me go any further on that note. Please, just help me move ahead not hold me down.
This morning I awoke late and am ready for a return to Dream World. Yes, I am exhausted, ache and hurt...
The Morris Code I am listening to in my Deaf Left Ear is frantic. And so loud! It is as if whoever is sending out this message, it is being sent out desperately. Poor Folks, I sense with it radiating highly in my intuition that this message is sent from way up high. Maybe this "Top Secret" code message is intended for me and I alone. I don't know. I've just never thought of this like that before...
...odd, and yet comfortable intuitions are stirred. Am Blessed to meet you Ma'am and yes, you may lodge here with my family and I. For you are the One Queen, The One Mother of God, Creator of All the Heavans and Earth Mother, I Open My Heart To You And Say You Are The One Mother Of God, and I Acceppt Your Son, Jesus Christ as my Holy Savior. Amen.
Yes, then yes and yes. Love, peace and more peace, mario
...am I just a memory?
The sleeping and the amount of extreme exhaustion I have carried, besides eveything that I had shared with you, my guest, on that day, brings to the forefront of mind, self-sense and self-awareness that yes, I had an attack on 11.11.11.
...although I knew, and even though I fought hard to remain functional and maintain a level headedness, I failed miserably. The sleep is what assisted me most in getting through these past complicated three days. I pushed where and when I was able...
...even accompanied Brenda and Baby Daughter, to The Big Red Box Store. After maybe fifteen minutes and two or three wobbles and knocks into end-caps, I began to sweat profusely. As if I was suddenly melting in an air conditioned big red box...
There is a peculiar and yet another symptom to mention about the symptoms I've experianced with this miserable Meniere's Disease. I've experianced this when walking and or sitting even. It is this, I have seen "my World" tilt! As in tilting! A good degree lean and tilt. What I am positivly knowing is that I have seen my world tilt to the left. I mean, one moment at the store with the big red dot, I was walking down an aisle and I saw all the folks leaning, the product aisle's were tilting and leaning. This episode was a ZAP!, but I have had these episodes last maybe three or four minutes. I had the pretty red buggy to brace myself with until the all clear was givin. Them that last a few minutes are the ones I lay down for. It is also these episodes that stir up laying syptoms of meniere's. I can tell you this. This has happened while viewing the televion. Just up and "Life" goes tilted...
...my right hard of hearing ear is still host to giant crickets and cicada's. I wear a mist of perspiration at the instant and am dizzy with a mix of coordination and balance issue's. Nausea is mid. I am sleepy.
Great Spirit, Please, guide my words and my mind to a peacful place as I tip-tap along alone here this afternoon...
I know I have tried to communicate to others on the "where" it is I find myself at any given moment/minute on this, My Path. I sure as hell have communicated with words spoken aloud to a good number of Relations. MOST surely to them close to me, with-in my Circle, AND on the business end of it of all, THE PROFESSIONALS, who are suppossedly engaged with my life's ado's. Them also known as "Them-Who-Are-Getting-Paid", are hired to council and teach me and the all of me, and lead me and we away from where I have strayed and have faltered. The breakage. I feel in my hearts heart, my words are not being heard. As if I speak into an empty room. Them with "busy" ear's, hmmm, them with no ears. Don't hear the breakage.
Don't you see that all I need is LOVE?! YES, I am human. A simple, yet complicated One who just needs LOVE, PEACE and UNDERSTADING. I mean Good God? How is it that when I speak I get into trouble?! And how is it that if i do not speak...really? I need you to be more here with me than other where. Listening. Listening? No names mentioned. Just really, en'it okay you help me this time? I mean, I am tired of living like this. My mind. My body. How can One, support another with the word "no" too much included. The word No implies a negative energy. While it is one, one must hear on occassion, it's the positive's that are not here. How can One apply Good, Bright, and Hard Worked For Energies, into something that has had a "no, you can't or a "no, you won't"...
...uhhhh, I am feeling in my very Spirit right know that this is counter to where I am headed. I can't stop! I won't stop! There's so much at stake. There IS just SO much at stake. I am TOO DAMNED YOUNG to have a top placed on the top of my name. The claustrophob won't let me go any further on that note. Please, just help me move ahead not hold me down.
This morning I awoke late and am ready for a return to Dream World. Yes, I am exhausted, ache and hurt...
The Morris Code I am listening to in my Deaf Left Ear is frantic. And so loud! It is as if whoever is sending out this message, it is being sent out desperately. Poor Folks, I sense with it radiating highly in my intuition that this message is sent from way up high. Maybe this "Top Secret" code message is intended for me and I alone. I don't know. I've just never thought of this like that before...
...odd, and yet comfortable intuitions are stirred. Am Blessed to meet you Ma'am and yes, you may lodge here with my family and I. For you are the One Queen, The One Mother of God, Creator of All the Heavans and Earth Mother, I Open My Heart To You And Say You Are The One Mother Of God, and I Acceppt Your Son, Jesus Christ as my Holy Savior. Amen.
Yes, then yes and yes. Love, peace and more peace, mario
...am I just a memory?
Friday, November 11, 2011
Happy Veteran's Day
From my Warrior Spirit's to every Veteran in the U.S.of A., I pass on my prayers and hopes that all Veterans will in some way, no matter how minute,
be acknowledged and remembered today. I say special prayers for the +115,000 Vets who are homeless and sleeping on the streets of the country they put their lives on the the lines for...
...to those from WWII, them that survived and to them who were slaughtered, I send a special thanks. Them who fought in The Korean War, I send my special thanks. To all of my Brothers and Sisters who served during The Vietnam War, them who are living and to them who have their names on The Wall in D.C., my prayers are with you. Too many memories remained tucked away of the stories I was told of this war, I remember the news and press...the helecopters that made that dreadful whomp-whomp noise that saved so many of our fellows laying on the ground of a forgrein country. To the Veterans who conducted invasions of Grenada and Panama, I thank you. To our Veterans who fought in Operation Deseart Storm and to those who have have fought in Iraq, Afghanistan and I suspect through out the Middle East, thank you my American brothers and sisters. In these recent wars my heart and Spirit's have been damamged by the slaughter and loss of over 5,000 U.S. WOmen and Men serving in every branch of our Military.
I wish to say thanks to those of us who served our country during The Cold War. I missed Vietnam by three or four years. And Hell yes, if I had been three or four years older, I would have enlisted/volunteered for this Country of Mine and Ours.
I wish to thank my Cherokee Grandmother's parents, Grand parents, and their grand parents, who lived and fought against this country's military. As I wish to thank my Grand Father's Grand Father, who fought in the Civil War against the Yankee's of the North. From that generation on, we have had Kinfolk in our countries Military uniform.
Pride and Duty for our Homeland.
God Bless you, every Veteran! And God Bless America!
be acknowledged and remembered today. I say special prayers for the +115,000 Vets who are homeless and sleeping on the streets of the country they put their lives on the the lines for...
...to those from WWII, them that survived and to them who were slaughtered, I send a special thanks. Them who fought in The Korean War, I send my special thanks. To all of my Brothers and Sisters who served during The Vietnam War, them who are living and to them who have their names on The Wall in D.C., my prayers are with you. Too many memories remained tucked away of the stories I was told of this war, I remember the news and press...the helecopters that made that dreadful whomp-whomp noise that saved so many of our fellows laying on the ground of a forgrein country. To the Veterans who conducted invasions of Grenada and Panama, I thank you. To our Veterans who fought in Operation Deseart Storm and to those who have have fought in Iraq, Afghanistan and I suspect through out the Middle East, thank you my American brothers and sisters. In these recent wars my heart and Spirit's have been damamged by the slaughter and loss of over 5,000 U.S. WOmen and Men serving in every branch of our Military.
I wish to say thanks to those of us who served our country during The Cold War. I missed Vietnam by three or four years. And Hell yes, if I had been three or four years older, I would have enlisted/volunteered for this Country of Mine and Ours.
I wish to thank my Cherokee Grandmother's parents, Grand parents, and their grand parents, who lived and fought against this country's military. As I wish to thank my Grand Father's Grand Father, who fought in the Civil War against the Yankee's of the North. From that generation on, we have had Kinfolk in our countries Military uniform.
Pride and Duty for our Homeland.
God Bless you, every Veteran! And God Bless America!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Multi's and a Beaver Moon, 11.11.11
I am uncertain if I have ever, ever shared this on this blogg, and if I have not, I suspect there's mighty good reasons why I have not. The primary being - I am ashamed and embarrassed about what I am about to share with my Relations. I ask only that I not be judged.
Alright then, back in 1988 or 1989, one of my favorite psychcologist compared me to Sybil and the diagnosis Multi Personality Disoder was applied to my name as everything around me seemed to freeze in a moment of time. I was blown away by these words and required a bit of one-on-one and plenty of reading articles and study. Over the years of intensive therapy, thousands of dollars for this therapy and with two very supportative support groups, I was able to consolidate my alter's. Every once in a while, one will surface and I sometimes lose the best of me, but glad to say I am able to communicate with them. Hell, my wife, daughter's, and my daer life long friend, Old Kindred Spirit, picks up on a guest before I do. There are several and most all of them are named. Over the course of much time and practice, the consolidation has assisted me in reporting that these are now more so, Multi-Ego's than Multi Personalities...
...Ha! For me, Mustafa will always be Mustafa. He is the advocate and militant from with-in. Mustafa, takes shit from no one. Mikey is my playful boy and mishief maker. Monty, is a really "out-there" queen and he too can also be overly mischievous at times. Matter of a fact, she was a back-ground character in the movie, Too Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. He's quite the trouble maker too. Marie, the only woman that lives with in, is a beautiful WOman with long brunette hair, big brown eye's, a Cher like body, with a wonderful sense of humour and she's a lover not a fighter. But, she don't take no shit either. I suppose Marie is the peace maker of the bunch too. With a bit of assertiveness too.
There are others I could share about, but I think I've said enough.and have introduced you to a few of my alter's this evening. I wonder if I've shared too much or said too much. It doesn't matter now, this has been said. So let it be known then.
It was also during this time frame 1988-1989 that I was diagnosed as PTSD.
Just four to five years before to this, I was an Anorexic.
Things that make you say, Damn Duuuuuuuuuude.
And now for something completely different.
We are experiancing a Beaver Moon out tonight. The Moon is so bright it is lighting up our sanctuary and preserve behind our lodge with a bright and beautiful light. With a constant flow of low flying clouds this offers an idea of how past Floridians looked to the sky and with such a bright moon was able to task into the night. This is also the time when Beaver, works hard to prepare his and her lodging with food stuffs and branchs for comfort as well as to re-enforce their dam and home.
If you are able to take just a peak at the Beaver Moon, make it so. This will not happen again for many years to come. Very much lile last years Harvest Moon.
I've said enough. Please remember this, I ask that you not judge me for what I have shared.
Love, peace and more peace, Mario
Alright then, back in 1988 or 1989, one of my favorite psychcologist compared me to Sybil and the diagnosis Multi Personality Disoder was applied to my name as everything around me seemed to freeze in a moment of time. I was blown away by these words and required a bit of one-on-one and plenty of reading articles and study. Over the years of intensive therapy, thousands of dollars for this therapy and with two very supportative support groups, I was able to consolidate my alter's. Every once in a while, one will surface and I sometimes lose the best of me, but glad to say I am able to communicate with them. Hell, my wife, daughter's, and my daer life long friend, Old Kindred Spirit, picks up on a guest before I do. There are several and most all of them are named. Over the course of much time and practice, the consolidation has assisted me in reporting that these are now more so, Multi-Ego's than Multi Personalities...
...Ha! For me, Mustafa will always be Mustafa. He is the advocate and militant from with-in. Mustafa, takes shit from no one. Mikey is my playful boy and mishief maker. Monty, is a really "out-there" queen and he too can also be overly mischievous at times. Matter of a fact, she was a back-ground character in the movie, Too Wong Fu, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar. He's quite the trouble maker too. Marie, the only woman that lives with in, is a beautiful WOman with long brunette hair, big brown eye's, a Cher like body, with a wonderful sense of humour and she's a lover not a fighter. But, she don't take no shit either. I suppose Marie is the peace maker of the bunch too. With a bit of assertiveness too.
There are others I could share about, but I think I've said enough.and have introduced you to a few of my alter's this evening. I wonder if I've shared too much or said too much. It doesn't matter now, this has been said. So let it be known then.
It was also during this time frame 1988-1989 that I was diagnosed as PTSD.
Just four to five years before to this, I was an Anorexic.
Things that make you say, Damn Duuuuuuuuuude.
And now for something completely different.
We are experiancing a Beaver Moon out tonight. The Moon is so bright it is lighting up our sanctuary and preserve behind our lodge with a bright and beautiful light. With a constant flow of low flying clouds this offers an idea of how past Floridians looked to the sky and with such a bright moon was able to task into the night. This is also the time when Beaver, works hard to prepare his and her lodging with food stuffs and branchs for comfort as well as to re-enforce their dam and home.
If you are able to take just a peak at the Beaver Moon, make it so. This will not happen again for many years to come. Very much lile last years Harvest Moon.
I've said enough. Please remember this, I ask that you not judge me for what I have shared.
Love, peace and more peace, Mario
Meniere's Disease Report, 11.11.11
The sysmptoms I am experiancing at this precise moment are quite uncomfortable. I am willing myself to combat these disgusting symptoms so that I may spend some time with you, my guest. Earlier today I gardened a bit and watered my Central Park, as there were some flowering plants that looked as if they needed a sip of water or some. Pulled a couple/few weeds, watched the hounds run amuck, and listened to what sounded like rapid gunfire up and around the corner over yonder. Those construction workers are working as if their lives depended on it...
...I mean it was like pop-pop-pop-bang-pop-bang, all the damned short day!
What I began to experiance then is what drew me back into the lodge. I had become scary dizzy and felt for sure I was headed for an attck of vertigo. Fortunatly, I was able to walk in and relax in my favorite spot...
...making and seeing objects out of the pop corn ceiling in an attempt to focus and calm myself. I really think I experianced some sort of Meniere's related episode, yet really don't think I had an all out Meniere's Attack. Seems as if it was low on the Richter Scale, yet produced several issues that are common for me post vertigo/meniere's attacl. I have been in a weak spell since, requireing to rise from sitting slowly, use the walls to my advantage besides the quad can, and focused on walking with purpose. It has really been a bad tough day with the Meniere's Disease, the cervical spine issues, breathing and coughing issues, balance issues related to the dizzy - possible Meniere's spell earlier, and am afraid I may be heading towards another battle with respiratory health issues. All if which, are my issues...
...please?
At this moment the dizziness is moving along at a controlled pace with medication prescribed for me by my doctor, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. I am dizzy yes, the type of dizzy like a spin about on the Merry-Go-Round dizzy.
I highly suspect the nausea is due to the dizziness. Have had this spell of dizziness on me all damned day you see. And the nausea has followed. I ate dinner earlier this evening and I can share with you that the nausea is so there in my throat, I am retasting what I ate from time to time as I try not to vomit. Which yes, I find disgusting and gross.
I am wearing a cap of perspiration and a necklase of sweat. It is cool in the lodge as we have a cold front coming through. So, no it does not make much sense to me. Fan is blowing on low.
The sounds I have had in my Deaf Left ear has been the ringing of an old-fashioned telephone! I can now say I have heard the ringing - so many people speak of who have Meniere's. Yes, it was a shitty symptom, but it sure did bring some nostalgia. Folks, I used to love the weight and ring of those old telephones. They were so heavy, one could've used one as a weapon. These are the sounds a person who is hard of Hearing could hear. That's how loud the ringing was. I tell you this, I sure as hell have been listening to this freaking ringings off and on all damned day.
My right bad good ear has had a poor Hearing day and is presently listening to crickets that must stand about 3.5 Feet tall, as these bastards are so loud it distracts me from what I am doing at the time and thus, require a follow up to make sure all is good when tasking and distracted by the Cricket Symphony. It is so odd how this flip flops between my ears. I don't know - I leave it up to Dr. Danner...
...aka He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. I love him, I respect him and I have trusted him with my life. What more can one say about his or her doctor? He Rocks! And I really do love him as a member of my family. May Great Spirit, always Bless doctors hand's and his wonderful bedside manners.
The Funky Worms are in full recreation mode this evening. Probably listening to some Funk. And yes, I have taken my medicine for that too.
Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my Internal Specialist. Will with visit and gather with She-Who-Is-A-Lovely-Doctor. Issues and matters of health will be conducted. Results of Laboratory work will be discussed and I will bring in my Sugar Diabtic Log where I have journaled my sugar levels on an every morning basis.
My Health is my Business. I must invest into my Health's future by being a healthier person today. Chip, chip away at old processes or routines. Eliminate negative energies from my Health or deal with them head on.
Speaking of which, I continue to wait for a call from the hospital with the name of My Home State. Last week I was promised by She-Who-Is-An-Administrator, that she would call me this past Monday. Well, I have waited for her call long enough. In the morrow, I will call She. After all, this pertains to my Health and some issues that occured while a patient in her hospital.
Great Spirit, Bless my road to recovery and assist me in being mindful of self and other's as I walk My Path to a Healthier state of being.
...I mean it was like pop-pop-pop-bang-pop-bang, all the damned short day!
What I began to experiance then is what drew me back into the lodge. I had become scary dizzy and felt for sure I was headed for an attck of vertigo. Fortunatly, I was able to walk in and relax in my favorite spot...
...making and seeing objects out of the pop corn ceiling in an attempt to focus and calm myself. I really think I experianced some sort of Meniere's related episode, yet really don't think I had an all out Meniere's Attack. Seems as if it was low on the Richter Scale, yet produced several issues that are common for me post vertigo/meniere's attacl. I have been in a weak spell since, requireing to rise from sitting slowly, use the walls to my advantage besides the quad can, and focused on walking with purpose. It has really been a bad tough day with the Meniere's Disease, the cervical spine issues, breathing and coughing issues, balance issues related to the dizzy - possible Meniere's spell earlier, and am afraid I may be heading towards another battle with respiratory health issues. All if which, are my issues...
...please?
At this moment the dizziness is moving along at a controlled pace with medication prescribed for me by my doctor, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. I am dizzy yes, the type of dizzy like a spin about on the Merry-Go-Round dizzy.
I highly suspect the nausea is due to the dizziness. Have had this spell of dizziness on me all damned day you see. And the nausea has followed. I ate dinner earlier this evening and I can share with you that the nausea is so there in my throat, I am retasting what I ate from time to time as I try not to vomit. Which yes, I find disgusting and gross.
I am wearing a cap of perspiration and a necklase of sweat. It is cool in the lodge as we have a cold front coming through. So, no it does not make much sense to me. Fan is blowing on low.
The sounds I have had in my Deaf Left ear has been the ringing of an old-fashioned telephone! I can now say I have heard the ringing - so many people speak of who have Meniere's. Yes, it was a shitty symptom, but it sure did bring some nostalgia. Folks, I used to love the weight and ring of those old telephones. They were so heavy, one could've used one as a weapon. These are the sounds a person who is hard of Hearing could hear. That's how loud the ringing was. I tell you this, I sure as hell have been listening to this freaking ringings off and on all damned day.
My right bad good ear has had a poor Hearing day and is presently listening to crickets that must stand about 3.5 Feet tall, as these bastards are so loud it distracts me from what I am doing at the time and thus, require a follow up to make sure all is good when tasking and distracted by the Cricket Symphony. It is so odd how this flip flops between my ears. I don't know - I leave it up to Dr. Danner...
...aka He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. I love him, I respect him and I have trusted him with my life. What more can one say about his or her doctor? He Rocks! And I really do love him as a member of my family. May Great Spirit, always Bless doctors hand's and his wonderful bedside manners.
The Funky Worms are in full recreation mode this evening. Probably listening to some Funk. And yes, I have taken my medicine for that too.
Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment with my Internal Specialist. Will with visit and gather with She-Who-Is-A-Lovely-Doctor. Issues and matters of health will be conducted. Results of Laboratory work will be discussed and I will bring in my Sugar Diabtic Log where I have journaled my sugar levels on an every morning basis.
My Health is my Business. I must invest into my Health's future by being a healthier person today. Chip, chip away at old processes or routines. Eliminate negative energies from my Health or deal with them head on.
Speaking of which, I continue to wait for a call from the hospital with the name of My Home State. Last week I was promised by She-Who-Is-An-Administrator, that she would call me this past Monday. Well, I have waited for her call long enough. In the morrow, I will call She. After all, this pertains to my Health and some issues that occured while a patient in her hospital.
Great Spirit, Bless my road to recovery and assist me in being mindful of self and other's as I walk My Path to a Healthier state of being.
Aunt Helen and Uncle Chester Turtle
Our two God given turtle's Aunt Helen and Uncle Chester are doing very, very well. So much so, they've both grown in size and weight. And Aunt Helen is some sort of eating machine for real! She will go through a cube of frozen worms in less than two minutes. Uncle Chester's not to big on the worm thing. He perfers the Turtle food over anything else...
...and speaking of which, three of the four fish we purchased for them are still alive and living it good too. They eat the scaps and the unmentionables...oh hell, they eat the turtles shit and scraps left over from their meals. Neither one has figured out that these cute little neighbour fish of their's is actually their food. I mean really, the fish swim about as Aunt Helen swims about. The one with Uncle Chester, stays in hiding. Po thang.
I am not remembering if I shared this already or not, but we had to buy a seperate aquarium for Aunt Helen. I was eye-balling five gallon tanks thinking it would be nice...
...well, I'm glad I stuck with a ten gallon because she's growing like crazy. I mean like right before my eyes she has grown and has grown strong. The rocks I have placed in her tank are pushed about like pebbles. It's no wonder with the way she eats. I suppose. Soon, I don't know if I'll be able to handle her much more. Maybe come spring we'll release her into the channel behind our lodge and preserve. I suspect that was the place both turtles were meant to be. Somehow, they lost their inner compass and ended up here at our sanctuary.
I wonder really if they might have co-existed, but I read that it might not be such a good idea. It's a shame because it's so cute watching them look at one another from one tank to another. It's also cute to observe them both soaking up the Sun as they face the South East. And it's always the South East. Perhaps I'll do a little study on this oddity.
Anyways, I really just wanted to fill you all in on the latest with our God Blessed gifts, Aunt Helen and Uncle Chester Turtle.
I've fallen in love with both of them. I just couldn't help it. As we have rescued hounds, we also have rescued turtles. I love it like that.
...and speaking of which, three of the four fish we purchased for them are still alive and living it good too. They eat the scaps and the unmentionables...oh hell, they eat the turtles shit and scraps left over from their meals. Neither one has figured out that these cute little neighbour fish of their's is actually their food. I mean really, the fish swim about as Aunt Helen swims about. The one with Uncle Chester, stays in hiding. Po thang.
I am not remembering if I shared this already or not, but we had to buy a seperate aquarium for Aunt Helen. I was eye-balling five gallon tanks thinking it would be nice...
...well, I'm glad I stuck with a ten gallon because she's growing like crazy. I mean like right before my eyes she has grown and has grown strong. The rocks I have placed in her tank are pushed about like pebbles. It's no wonder with the way she eats. I suppose. Soon, I don't know if I'll be able to handle her much more. Maybe come spring we'll release her into the channel behind our lodge and preserve. I suspect that was the place both turtles were meant to be. Somehow, they lost their inner compass and ended up here at our sanctuary.
I wonder really if they might have co-existed, but I read that it might not be such a good idea. It's a shame because it's so cute watching them look at one another from one tank to another. It's also cute to observe them both soaking up the Sun as they face the South East. And it's always the South East. Perhaps I'll do a little study on this oddity.
Anyways, I really just wanted to fill you all in on the latest with our God Blessed gifts, Aunt Helen and Uncle Chester Turtle.
I've fallen in love with both of them. I just couldn't help it. As we have rescued hounds, we also have rescued turtles. I love it like that.
Games Grown Ass Children Play
Read. Word.
It is folks with the split tongue that can not figure out how to communicate. It's not my job nor place in life, to translate your disrespectful gibberish or least of all your attitude, to others and or myself. The games children play are for the children...
When one speaks with a good tongue - their words are understood and are held in high esteem. It's a sad day when one can not communicate openly without the fear of being attacked or challanged or disrespected by others. Kinfolk or foe. Don't smile in the face of others, to only speak ill of them behind their back...these are the one's with more than one face. These are the ones that play childish games as adults.
I am not out to impress others with great talk, nor am I the One to have someone attempt to impress me. I am not worthy, you see? I am simple with a simple life. For me, this is the way. For those with two faces and split tongue - take your wares elsewhere. For a simple man, this equals simple action.
Today I speak up for myself, and ask for what I want. - Louise L. Hay
This is placed here again for them with no eye's, no ear's and all mouth. Them called, "They-Who-Think-They-Are-So-Clever". There is a difference in being clever and in being smart........but not too much of a difference from being a smart ass.
There's nothing more entertaining than seeing donkey's speak...WTFE...
It is folks with the split tongue that can not figure out how to communicate. It's not my job nor place in life, to translate your disrespectful gibberish or least of all your attitude, to others and or myself. The games children play are for the children...
When one speaks with a good tongue - their words are understood and are held in high esteem. It's a sad day when one can not communicate openly without the fear of being attacked or challanged or disrespected by others. Kinfolk or foe. Don't smile in the face of others, to only speak ill of them behind their back...these are the one's with more than one face. These are the ones that play childish games as adults.
I am not out to impress others with great talk, nor am I the One to have someone attempt to impress me. I am not worthy, you see? I am simple with a simple life. For me, this is the way. For those with two faces and split tongue - take your wares elsewhere. For a simple man, this equals simple action.
Today I speak up for myself, and ask for what I want. - Louise L. Hay
This is placed here again for them with no eye's, no ear's and all mouth. Them called, "They-Who-Think-They-Are-So-Clever". There is a difference in being clever and in being smart........but not too much of a difference from being a smart ass.
There's nothing more entertaining than seeing donkey's speak...WTFE...
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Meniere's, My Madness And I
As much as I moaned and bitched about the procedure that I experianced on the yesterday at He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage's Office, today I am able to share that I appreciated the pain and discomfort associated with the entire process...
...from the injection into my junk to "numb" him/it/Wang, to the sight of the monster gun looking apparatus that scared me to a point of wanting to scream and shedding tears, to the length of the catheter with video camera attached, to the actual insertion of same into mine junk and the organs down below. Then the whole manipulation while said object was with-in my lower's - meaning his poking and probing, here and there.
She-Who-Is-My-Bride and I will have our face-to-face next Wednesday. My good doctor is requesting that Brenda be present when we have consult.(?!)
With He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage and his Crew, doing the hurting, this has elminated the desire for self abuse to some degree. This desire/for want has been riding sky high since my break down at He-Who-Touched-My-Brain's clinic. This is one reason I don't say shit when a Lab Tech. needs to stick me eight or ten times to draw blood. Seem's to me that if I have other folk to hurt me in the physical - I don't have to. For now.
Oh, the fucking memories! This procedure affected my being as a whole, Flesh and Spirit. I am well aware I was not myself yesterday after procedure and/or well into the night. Perhaps even to include this morning. Yes, I think so. I am thinking with this touching and insertion of foreign objects, more of the flood gates were opened to my childhood and later years. NO! Not the thinking, the knowing this procedure effected yet more memories and flashbacks...
...reminded me that I have crawled and walked on broken glass to deal with the sexual abuse I had forced upon me as a young one. Years and years, thousands and thousands of dollars put towards my recovery, for what?. So that I, as a middle aged person has to relive the memories time after time? Or so that I can raise myself to a place where I was able to assist other Survivor's of Sexual Abuse and Incest for years. I wonder and am reminded that much of this seems so long ago, you know? My therapy's and groups. Something has clunked within my Center that has knocked me off balance with My Processes - My Program. And yes, I meant to say "clunked" -not the clicked...
...clicked reminds me too much of the term "clic" as in little clic's of estranged family, friends, peer's, etc. I've seen this too many times in my life. It smells and oddly enough looks just like shit. Especially when it concerns family.
Speaking of which, sometimes I suspect my family knows that I know they know about the Sexual Abuse and Incest. I know that once a particular very sad and unfortunate scenario happen's, I will speak. And I will speak aloud. Matter of a fact, I will squeal like a fat fucking pig about to become some Folks dinner...
This Talk will be trans-generational and will cross several famliy lines. BECAUSE WHAT I LIVED THROUGH AS A CHILD, TEEN, YOUNG ADULT, AND AS AN ADULT, SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! I DID NOT ASK TO BE MOLESTED OR RAPED TIME AFTER TIME! ENABLERS, NAMES AND PLACES WILL BE SHARED! TO THINK THAT MY OWN FAMILY...
...look, FUCK it. So it is I, who carry this beast of burden because of the SINS of other's. And, By God, I know I was never an "angel", but I was a damned good kid, teen, young adult, and parent. Despite the abuse and RAPE!
By the way, I own and acknowledge I've made my mistakes in life and I have done the right thing by them. I LEARNED from my FUCKING MISTAKES. I have made my ammends. I've gotten down on my knee's and prayed and pray daily. My Path, is a different Path today.
All I want is better all-around health and to have what I survived VALIDATED BY THE ENABLERS. This is not too much to ask for, is it?
No, I will not continue to carry this luggage solo much longer. It just doesn't seem right, en'it? DOES IT?
I have spent many an hour contemplating that this Meniere's Disease is a punishment for the thing's I permitted to happen. This meniere's is alive and well today. The nausea, the dizziness, the sweats, the noises and sounds that are happening at this very moment! The inability to breath that has brought me to the brink of death several times, I suspect is punishment as well. What other reasons would there be? Punishment's for the things I did and or did not do. Punishment's for the thing's I said or did not say? I do not know. I can share this, I feel punished and wonder what more punishment I am to expect or to receive. I reckon, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. It's all the same to me.
p.s. The likely-hood of my actually confronting the ENABLERS are very slim. Sometime's this shit really gets under my skin, into my business (private parts), and to this very moment the hurt remains. The fire inside is still a flame...
...perhaps it is this flame that keeps me looking forward while all the shit inside is like fruit in a blender. All mixed up.
Enough.
...from the injection into my junk to "numb" him/it/Wang, to the sight of the monster gun looking apparatus that scared me to a point of wanting to scream and shedding tears, to the length of the catheter with video camera attached, to the actual insertion of same into mine junk and the organs down below. Then the whole manipulation while said object was with-in my lower's - meaning his poking and probing, here and there.
She-Who-Is-My-Bride and I will have our face-to-face next Wednesday. My good doctor is requesting that Brenda be present when we have consult.(?!)
With He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage and his Crew, doing the hurting, this has elminated the desire for self abuse to some degree. This desire/for want has been riding sky high since my break down at He-Who-Touched-My-Brain's clinic. This is one reason I don't say shit when a Lab Tech. needs to stick me eight or ten times to draw blood. Seem's to me that if I have other folk to hurt me in the physical - I don't have to. For now.
Oh, the fucking memories! This procedure affected my being as a whole, Flesh and Spirit. I am well aware I was not myself yesterday after procedure and/or well into the night. Perhaps even to include this morning. Yes, I think so. I am thinking with this touching and insertion of foreign objects, more of the flood gates were opened to my childhood and later years. NO! Not the thinking, the knowing this procedure effected yet more memories and flashbacks...
...reminded me that I have crawled and walked on broken glass to deal with the sexual abuse I had forced upon me as a young one. Years and years, thousands and thousands of dollars put towards my recovery, for what?. So that I, as a middle aged person has to relive the memories time after time? Or so that I can raise myself to a place where I was able to assist other Survivor's of Sexual Abuse and Incest for years. I wonder and am reminded that much of this seems so long ago, you know? My therapy's and groups. Something has clunked within my Center that has knocked me off balance with My Processes - My Program. And yes, I meant to say "clunked" -not the clicked...
...clicked reminds me too much of the term "clic" as in little clic's of estranged family, friends, peer's, etc. I've seen this too many times in my life. It smells and oddly enough looks just like shit. Especially when it concerns family.
Speaking of which, sometimes I suspect my family knows that I know they know about the Sexual Abuse and Incest. I know that once a particular very sad and unfortunate scenario happen's, I will speak. And I will speak aloud. Matter of a fact, I will squeal like a fat fucking pig about to become some Folks dinner...
This Talk will be trans-generational and will cross several famliy lines. BECAUSE WHAT I LIVED THROUGH AS A CHILD, TEEN, YOUNG ADULT, AND AS AN ADULT, SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED! I DID NOT ASK TO BE MOLESTED OR RAPED TIME AFTER TIME! ENABLERS, NAMES AND PLACES WILL BE SHARED! TO THINK THAT MY OWN FAMILY...
...look, FUCK it. So it is I, who carry this beast of burden because of the SINS of other's. And, By God, I know I was never an "angel", but I was a damned good kid, teen, young adult, and parent. Despite the abuse and RAPE!
By the way, I own and acknowledge I've made my mistakes in life and I have done the right thing by them. I LEARNED from my FUCKING MISTAKES. I have made my ammends. I've gotten down on my knee's and prayed and pray daily. My Path, is a different Path today.
All I want is better all-around health and to have what I survived VALIDATED BY THE ENABLERS. This is not too much to ask for, is it?
No, I will not continue to carry this luggage solo much longer. It just doesn't seem right, en'it? DOES IT?
I have spent many an hour contemplating that this Meniere's Disease is a punishment for the thing's I permitted to happen. This meniere's is alive and well today. The nausea, the dizziness, the sweats, the noises and sounds that are happening at this very moment! The inability to breath that has brought me to the brink of death several times, I suspect is punishment as well. What other reasons would there be? Punishment's for the things I did and or did not do. Punishment's for the thing's I said or did not say? I do not know. I can share this, I feel punished and wonder what more punishment I am to expect or to receive. I reckon, I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. It's all the same to me.
p.s. The likely-hood of my actually confronting the ENABLERS are very slim. Sometime's this shit really gets under my skin, into my business (private parts), and to this very moment the hurt remains. The fire inside is still a flame...
...perhaps it is this flame that keeps me looking forward while all the shit inside is like fruit in a blender. All mixed up.
Enough.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
One Million Thank You's, To All Relations
I hope and wish to thank all of my Kinfolk, Kindred One's and Relations...
...them from here locally and those throughout this State of Florida and country and Our Mother Earth. The Relations near by, who call or stop by even if but for a brief visit, to "check in on me". Checking to see how I am doing. Checking on the Meniere's Disease and how it has been affecting My Path. Thank you to those who do ask or inquire about other health issues. Emotional and psychological issues, I Thank you.
To my Relations in China and Georgia, I thank you. My relations in the United Kingdom, Spain, Serbia, The Neitherlands, and a one time home for me, Germany, I thank each and every one of you...
...to my Relations in India and Pakistan, my Relations in Singapore, Thailand and Malaysia, I thank you. I thank my relations in Latvia and Denmark. And to them in Russia, a very special thank you for so many of you "checking in" on this fellow Human Spirit. I am lost for words.
Thank you to my brother's and sister's in Poland, Slovenia, and The Ukraine. Thank you to them who live in Columbia and Brazil and to those living in Canada, Australia, and Israel, I thank you.
I would also like to thank the thousands of Folks from right here in the United States of America, who really follow and or check in on me. It sure is a wonderful and beautiful thing seeing how many have simply clicked on my blogg to see how things are going. Read up on how Meniere's Disease alters, affects and effects this person and the immediate family.
I feel I am indebted to each and everyone of you. I really can't place into words the emotions and feelings that are touched every time another Kindred One reads my blogg. Them who "check up" on me...
...a complete stranger. Other than what it is you read when I tip-tap my words and my truths onto this journal. I really am so simple. An ordinary sort. I thank you, One and All, for following me on my journey while walking this, My Path. May The One God, creator of all, Bless each and every one of you with love, peace and good health.
I'll make it my business to continue to push the envelope and ride John Wayne, my pony/trike when well. To continue to exercise and lift my kettle bar and yes, my plan is to get some of my life back. After all, the purpose in my life today is just that, to become healthy and well. All around. For me and my Kinfolk. Oh, speaking of which...
...I am compelled and find it necessary for me to report that the majority of my family and friends still stay away from me personally and via the telephone, e-mail or blogg. As if what I have is contagious? Please.
My Kindred, Family and Friends know how much this tortures my Inner Being. To know first hand, by the statistic's and number's that don't lie, how so many of my "Kinfolk" and or "Friends", really do not give much of an elephant shit about me. Or the changes I go through everyday, is hideous to my very being. To know, I have not harmed them or troubled them, to know I don't owe a son-of-a-bitch a coin, to have these Relations, come up to me with their fake faces, fake smiles and fake ways is very truly the most hideous of all. I am perplexed by this place I find myself in...
...who know's? I sure as shit don't
Again, to all of my Relations World Wide, Thank You!!
Love, peace and more peace, Mario
...them from here locally and those throughout this State of Florida and country and Our Mother Earth. The Relations near by, who call or stop by even if but for a brief visit, to "check in on me". Checking to see how I am doing. Checking on the Meniere's Disease and how it has been affecting My Path. Thank you to those who do ask or inquire about other health issues. Emotional and psychological issues, I Thank you.
To my Relations in China and Georgia, I thank you. My relations in the United Kingdom, Spain, Serbia, The Neitherlands, and a one time home for me, Germany, I thank each and every one of you...
...to my Relations in India and Pakistan, my Relations in Singapore, Thailand and Malaysia, I thank you. I thank my relations in Latvia and Denmark. And to them in Russia, a very special thank you for so many of you "checking in" on this fellow Human Spirit. I am lost for words.
Thank you to my brother's and sister's in Poland, Slovenia, and The Ukraine. Thank you to them who live in Columbia and Brazil and to those living in Canada, Australia, and Israel, I thank you.
I would also like to thank the thousands of Folks from right here in the United States of America, who really follow and or check in on me. It sure is a wonderful and beautiful thing seeing how many have simply clicked on my blogg to see how things are going. Read up on how Meniere's Disease alters, affects and effects this person and the immediate family.
I feel I am indebted to each and everyone of you. I really can't place into words the emotions and feelings that are touched every time another Kindred One reads my blogg. Them who "check up" on me...
...a complete stranger. Other than what it is you read when I tip-tap my words and my truths onto this journal. I really am so simple. An ordinary sort. I thank you, One and All, for following me on my journey while walking this, My Path. May The One God, creator of all, Bless each and every one of you with love, peace and good health.
I'll make it my business to continue to push the envelope and ride John Wayne, my pony/trike when well. To continue to exercise and lift my kettle bar and yes, my plan is to get some of my life back. After all, the purpose in my life today is just that, to become healthy and well. All around. For me and my Kinfolk. Oh, speaking of which...
...I am compelled and find it necessary for me to report that the majority of my family and friends still stay away from me personally and via the telephone, e-mail or blogg. As if what I have is contagious? Please.
My Kindred, Family and Friends know how much this tortures my Inner Being. To know first hand, by the statistic's and number's that don't lie, how so many of my "Kinfolk" and or "Friends", really do not give much of an elephant shit about me. Or the changes I go through everyday, is hideous to my very being. To know, I have not harmed them or troubled them, to know I don't owe a son-of-a-bitch a coin, to have these Relations, come up to me with their fake faces, fake smiles and fake ways is very truly the most hideous of all. I am perplexed by this place I find myself in...
...who know's? I sure as shit don't
Again, to all of my Relations World Wide, Thank You!!
Love, peace and more peace, Mario
Me And He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage
Today is 08 November 2011 and I have had the "final" procedure with He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage...
...when the nurse brought me into the procedure room, I know I damned near screamed. No, really. My nurse put her hand on my shoulder and asked me to have a seat. Because I was just a wee bit shy of freaking out and I suspect she picked up on that real quick like. She went over what doctor was going to do and had me undress from the waist down.
This apparatus I kept looking at was in the form of a gun and had a damned long catheter attached to it with a video camera attached to the catheter. He-Who-Touched, had injected a numbing agent into my stuff and had me rest for ten to fifteen minutes. Which really did seem like an eternity...
...I would love to share that the numbing agent numbed Mr. Wang and my innards 100%, but I can't, because it didn't...
...my good doctor had the catheter, which was approxitmately two feet long - with that damned gun looking thing all up inside there. The pain was as pain does. It hurt like hell! Now when I pass the H-2-O, it burns like a fire is burning inside me. So, I hope I won't have to pass any more for a spell. Please, no pee-pee for a while.
He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage, my good doctor, communicated to me during this procedure that I have "no stones" in my business, which really, I could have told him myself before the procedure. I know what passing a stone feels like. When I did pass one, I screamed, cryed and howled like a Coyote pup lost in the forest. Good doctor put me through all of this DRAMAtic procedure to tell me there's no stone's. Ummmmmmm...
Will get with She-Who-Married-Me, and we'll arrange a date and time for next week to have our face to face with He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage. Good doctor needs to gather all the data I reckon.
More waiting. More suspence. More drama. Child please...
...until then, I will do my best to not think too much about these procedures I have gone through in such a very breif period of time. If He-Who-Touched, comes up with anymore ideas of a procedure or two, he and I will first have to have a Face-to-Face. Alone. To explain the reasoning and the why's. I'm not feeling the idea or concept's of any more procedures for a damned good spell, and that's a fact.
Love, peace and more peace...
...when the nurse brought me into the procedure room, I know I damned near screamed. No, really. My nurse put her hand on my shoulder and asked me to have a seat. Because I was just a wee bit shy of freaking out and I suspect she picked up on that real quick like. She went over what doctor was going to do and had me undress from the waist down.
This apparatus I kept looking at was in the form of a gun and had a damned long catheter attached to it with a video camera attached to the catheter. He-Who-Touched, had injected a numbing agent into my stuff and had me rest for ten to fifteen minutes. Which really did seem like an eternity...
...I would love to share that the numbing agent numbed Mr. Wang and my innards 100%, but I can't, because it didn't...
...my good doctor had the catheter, which was approxitmately two feet long - with that damned gun looking thing all up inside there. The pain was as pain does. It hurt like hell! Now when I pass the H-2-O, it burns like a fire is burning inside me. So, I hope I won't have to pass any more for a spell. Please, no pee-pee for a while.
He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage, my good doctor, communicated to me during this procedure that I have "no stones" in my business, which really, I could have told him myself before the procedure. I know what passing a stone feels like. When I did pass one, I screamed, cryed and howled like a Coyote pup lost in the forest. Good doctor put me through all of this DRAMAtic procedure to tell me there's no stone's. Ummmmmmm...
Will get with She-Who-Married-Me, and we'll arrange a date and time for next week to have our face to face with He-Who-Touched-My-Undercarriage. Good doctor needs to gather all the data I reckon.
More waiting. More suspence. More drama. Child please...
...until then, I will do my best to not think too much about these procedures I have gone through in such a very breif period of time. If He-Who-Touched, comes up with anymore ideas of a procedure or two, he and I will first have to have a Face-to-Face. Alone. To explain the reasoning and the why's. I'm not feeling the idea or concept's of any more procedures for a damned good spell, and that's a fact.
Love, peace and more peace...
Later, A Visit With He-Who-Touches-My-Undercarriage
As I prepare myself for the visit with He-Who-Touches-My-Undercarriage, I SWEAR, I hope this video catheter is no where near the size of the one I have photographed between my ears...
...yes, I am anxious and nervous.
Not only about yet this, another procedure, but also about what it is we will be speaking about once all data has been collected.
Am not really in a place to have to listen to bad and or sad news. I have enough of this drama in my life now. Too many illnesses, too many doctors and nurses and just too pills of varying shapes, sizes and colours.
These procedures are not only painful and or uncomfortable, these are also invasive and go way and far beyond what I consider common courtesy and respect. It just is not normal to have other Folks handling my junk. Most of all not normal to have folks inserting objects into both my junk and my rear bumper...
...suppose this is par for the course. I just can't stand it! EVERYTIME, I am handled or have objects inserted, I am flooded with memories and flashbacks. Shit! I've dealt with these issues all of my fucking life and had reached a point where I knew what to avoid or what to do to keep me from "going there". When this is brought about by sources out of my reach or control - my innards begin to fight and my mind goes in all Four Directions at one time.
I reckon once this is completed and done this afternoon, I will be done with it. No matter what the outcome or results. This is it...
...no more...
...yes, I am anxious and nervous.
Not only about yet this, another procedure, but also about what it is we will be speaking about once all data has been collected.
Am not really in a place to have to listen to bad and or sad news. I have enough of this drama in my life now. Too many illnesses, too many doctors and nurses and just too pills of varying shapes, sizes and colours.
These procedures are not only painful and or uncomfortable, these are also invasive and go way and far beyond what I consider common courtesy and respect. It just is not normal to have other Folks handling my junk. Most of all not normal to have folks inserting objects into both my junk and my rear bumper...
...suppose this is par for the course. I just can't stand it! EVERYTIME, I am handled or have objects inserted, I am flooded with memories and flashbacks. Shit! I've dealt with these issues all of my fucking life and had reached a point where I knew what to avoid or what to do to keep me from "going there". When this is brought about by sources out of my reach or control - my innards begin to fight and my mind goes in all Four Directions at one time.
I reckon once this is completed and done this afternoon, I will be done with it. No matter what the outcome or results. This is it...
...no more...
Monday, November 7, 2011
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I'll Remember
I'll remember for as long as I shall live how I felt when you held me in your arm's.
...how protected, guarded, and secure I felt. The genuine uncondtional love I would feel with your every embrace. Sometimes you would take my breathe away, you would squeeze me so tightly. I miss that so much.
I'll remember, the strength and sureness that permeated my very being when you held me that would tranfer from you to me...
...and mine to you. Because of you. And I. The all of our lives together.
The way your huge hands would engulf my large hands and humble me. The assuredness that would flow between us. You and I. Me and you. I never felt fear - from you or I when we were about and out. Who would dare?
The scent of your favorite fragrence...how it affects me and my sensory awareness to this day. Yes, damnit, still. The smell of your breath, the smell of your natural you. Your eye's. Your big beautifully warm smile for every one and all. That wonderful laugh.
Your voice has been recorded and is stored on a disc tucked away in a corner or fold of one of my brains. A video tape player is also there. All I have to do is press play and I'll remember...
...sometimes I hear you call my name. And I look knowing that it couldn't be you. But what if I don't look and it's really you? There have been times I thought I saw you passing in traffic and my heart skips a couple of beats.
Then I remember you're no longer here with us here on Earth Mother, and I feel the heaviness tug at the place you held in my heart. The place that nobody will ever take away from me. Us...
I feel this heaviness tug at "your" place in my heart, because it's still there...
...to die when I die.
I miss you. I have cried for you. I still have dreams with you in them.
I love you. To this very day, I love you. Probably even more. He-Who-Died-Too-Young.
Please, pass love to Mom and Dad and to all Kinfolk, Kindred, and Like-Minded Relations up there with you.
O' and how I do remember.
...how protected, guarded, and secure I felt. The genuine uncondtional love I would feel with your every embrace. Sometimes you would take my breathe away, you would squeeze me so tightly. I miss that so much.
I'll remember, the strength and sureness that permeated my very being when you held me that would tranfer from you to me...
...and mine to you. Because of you. And I. The all of our lives together.
The way your huge hands would engulf my large hands and humble me. The assuredness that would flow between us. You and I. Me and you. I never felt fear - from you or I when we were about and out. Who would dare?
The scent of your favorite fragrence...how it affects me and my sensory awareness to this day. Yes, damnit, still. The smell of your breath, the smell of your natural you. Your eye's. Your big beautifully warm smile for every one and all. That wonderful laugh.
Your voice has been recorded and is stored on a disc tucked away in a corner or fold of one of my brains. A video tape player is also there. All I have to do is press play and I'll remember...
...sometimes I hear you call my name. And I look knowing that it couldn't be you. But what if I don't look and it's really you? There have been times I thought I saw you passing in traffic and my heart skips a couple of beats.
Then I remember you're no longer here with us here on Earth Mother, and I feel the heaviness tug at the place you held in my heart. The place that nobody will ever take away from me. Us...
I feel this heaviness tug at "your" place in my heart, because it's still there...
...to die when I die.
I miss you. I have cried for you. I still have dreams with you in them.
I love you. To this very day, I love you. Probably even more. He-Who-Died-Too-Young.
Please, pass love to Mom and Dad and to all Kinfolk, Kindred, and Like-Minded Relations up there with you.
O' and how I do remember.
Meniere's Disease And My Madness
Today is Sunday, 06 November 2011 and is mid-afternoon.
This Meniere's has been a tough adversary this morning and especially now these last couple of hours of afternoon.
My Left Deaf Ear is listening to "Chirps"! Like a prehistoric sized feathered one that just really chirps and chirps out damned loud! I mean really fucking loud! But, no one else hears this noise but me. Never, well, as far back as I might recollect have I had a Chirping sound in my deaf one. Oh, my Relations, I don't know if I can truly convey what is happening in this ear. The one that is supposed to be silent. Deaf. These chirping-chirp-chirps are so bad, so loud, I have tried to listen to music a bit louder than usual. I have taken a walk and sat a spell in my North West Sanctuary. All to no avail. As I sit here with you tip-tapping, The Chirps - chirp just for me and my battered innards.
My person feels assaulted by the daily and damned near constant battle with this invisible disease. Along with the other invisible disease's that have made a home in this temporary shell of a body that is attached to the skeleton that carries my large frame.
I have come to the conclusion that this is all on me, Relations. I've grown terribly wearied by family and friend's distance from I and these disease's. With a very few exceptions, there are more who stay and keep away, than those who actually put their words into action. It's a down right shame, Relations. No. It's not a shame, it's a problem. One that I have decided to let Karma take care of...
...oh so, what am I talking about? All of those "call me's if you ever need anything", "call me's if I can take you somewhere", "call me's if you want to get out". Ummmm, yeah, right. This has been a hard lesson to learn.
A difficult ugly ass pill to swallow.
I am in exile because of what lives with-in me. Not because of some political rubbish or because of a religious sanction. Nor am I in here because I got caught getting over with some scheme on other Human's. This is "Healh Imposed Exile". To have seen, read lips and heard all of the above, time and time again drains me of the positive energies I do my best to surround myself with. It's really as if negative energies weigh more than the poistive one's in my Life's day-to-day...
...it's so strangely bizarre, because it was really not that long ago I was asking folks to trouble me. I still do Kindred. I just have to do it from within the walls of this Lodge. My Like Minded and Kindred have my telephone number's. And they use it.
Enough of this. And it was I, who has stood by this statement for decades -"Blood is alway's thicker than water." Well Honey's, I know better as more and more time passes me on by. I have learned, some of these "family and friends" are like oil and water. Oh, but how I do remember. Yes, I do.
My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a bad spell going back since Friday. Hearing has been difficult. Very difficult. I have had too many episodes of total silence - in the wrong ear. Moments pass and pass, I wait and listen for the hearing to return and everytime it does my heart skips a beat. The plopping continues, the pop's continue...
...and the voices have returned in full force, which interferes with my hearing. I hear the voices as clear as I hear my wife's voice. Or the voice of my daughter. I've tried to talk to these voices - but they don't listen neither. Either that or their deaf too.
I am nauseated and am very uncomfortable. There has been no productivity.
I am dizzy at a real speed of right down the middle. As if I have had too much to drink at the pub or club. I walk with the aid of my quad cane but am having to use the wall's as an aid to get by for now. This is not unfamiliar to me, this is where I am at this moment.
As in this very moment, I wear a necklace of perspiration and a belt of sweat around my mid-section. Which all doesn't make sense to me because it is a beautiful cool Florida fall day out, the ceiling fan is running full speed and all windows of this "House of Seven Window's" are open. Which permits this soft and sweet cross ventilation throughout the Lodge. Refreshing indeed, but when meniere's is present, it does not matter. I sweat as if I am tasking out of doors. Alas, it is but another symptom of meniere's that resides within me. I swear, I would think all of this sweating would assist me with losing weight. It does not. It's just one of those things that comes as a package deal. Seemingly, just for me.
Before I go any further, I want to thank Dione and Timm, for stopping by last evening for the breaking of bread and wonderful conversation. I have not seen Timm since the mid 1990's and was just recently reunited with Dione. She surprised me with a visit to hospital. We were co-workers and friends over at the big blue box store. The point is, is that once we as friends were reconnected, their words were placed into action. These friends who have been friends for decades and although we may not have seen one another for years, our friendship remained solid. These beautiful people and their beautiful family kept things real. More so than I might say for a whole hell of alot of Kinfolk. Kinfolk? I'm knowing there has to be some re-evaluation on this piece. Shit.
Life? Really?
There's so much I want to do. There's so much I want to see.
I have been burdened by the sadness and gloom that has once again settled deep with-in my Core. My batteries are running on low and the darkness has me on the verge of breaking. I have been communicating this "being on the verge of breaking". I'm starting to think them I speak with have no ears, because surely no one listens. Not even my own therapist was listening to my words. I think he was more interested in seeing me cry. I have cried and have cried more than I really want to share, but this is a fact. Who know's? I don't.
Yes, I continue to eat my pretty little pills and also eat them that are big as a horse pill. The pills that come in such a pretty array of colors. Pink, blue, red, yellow, white, cute little transparent orbs and the huge ones with razors that stick out of each side...
John Wayne is out to pasture and I have not seen him in a few day's. I miss My Path and feel if I have neglected myself. Even with the committments I have made to battle these diseases and illness's, I feel neglected by self and other's. I'm tired of this...
...I think I'll fill my tires on my trike, John Wayne, and bust a move. I have been asked not to, but these people do not know what it feels like in my shoes. I do not want to be placed in the position of losing something because I did not use it. Can you dig it?
This Meniere's has been a tough adversary this morning and especially now these last couple of hours of afternoon.
My Left Deaf Ear is listening to "Chirps"! Like a prehistoric sized feathered one that just really chirps and chirps out damned loud! I mean really fucking loud! But, no one else hears this noise but me. Never, well, as far back as I might recollect have I had a Chirping sound in my deaf one. Oh, my Relations, I don't know if I can truly convey what is happening in this ear. The one that is supposed to be silent. Deaf. These chirping-chirp-chirps are so bad, so loud, I have tried to listen to music a bit louder than usual. I have taken a walk and sat a spell in my North West Sanctuary. All to no avail. As I sit here with you tip-tapping, The Chirps - chirp just for me and my battered innards.
My person feels assaulted by the daily and damned near constant battle with this invisible disease. Along with the other invisible disease's that have made a home in this temporary shell of a body that is attached to the skeleton that carries my large frame.
I have come to the conclusion that this is all on me, Relations. I've grown terribly wearied by family and friend's distance from I and these disease's. With a very few exceptions, there are more who stay and keep away, than those who actually put their words into action. It's a down right shame, Relations. No. It's not a shame, it's a problem. One that I have decided to let Karma take care of...
...oh so, what am I talking about? All of those "call me's if you ever need anything", "call me's if I can take you somewhere", "call me's if you want to get out". Ummmm, yeah, right. This has been a hard lesson to learn.
A difficult ugly ass pill to swallow.
I am in exile because of what lives with-in me. Not because of some political rubbish or because of a religious sanction. Nor am I in here because I got caught getting over with some scheme on other Human's. This is "Healh Imposed Exile". To have seen, read lips and heard all of the above, time and time again drains me of the positive energies I do my best to surround myself with. It's really as if negative energies weigh more than the poistive one's in my Life's day-to-day...
...it's so strangely bizarre, because it was really not that long ago I was asking folks to trouble me. I still do Kindred. I just have to do it from within the walls of this Lodge. My Like Minded and Kindred have my telephone number's. And they use it.
Enough of this. And it was I, who has stood by this statement for decades -"Blood is alway's thicker than water." Well Honey's, I know better as more and more time passes me on by. I have learned, some of these "family and friends" are like oil and water. Oh, but how I do remember. Yes, I do.
My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a bad spell going back since Friday. Hearing has been difficult. Very difficult. I have had too many episodes of total silence - in the wrong ear. Moments pass and pass, I wait and listen for the hearing to return and everytime it does my heart skips a beat. The plopping continues, the pop's continue...
...and the voices have returned in full force, which interferes with my hearing. I hear the voices as clear as I hear my wife's voice. Or the voice of my daughter. I've tried to talk to these voices - but they don't listen neither. Either that or their deaf too.
I am nauseated and am very uncomfortable. There has been no productivity.
I am dizzy at a real speed of right down the middle. As if I have had too much to drink at the pub or club. I walk with the aid of my quad cane but am having to use the wall's as an aid to get by for now. This is not unfamiliar to me, this is where I am at this moment.
As in this very moment, I wear a necklace of perspiration and a belt of sweat around my mid-section. Which all doesn't make sense to me because it is a beautiful cool Florida fall day out, the ceiling fan is running full speed and all windows of this "House of Seven Window's" are open. Which permits this soft and sweet cross ventilation throughout the Lodge. Refreshing indeed, but when meniere's is present, it does not matter. I sweat as if I am tasking out of doors. Alas, it is but another symptom of meniere's that resides within me. I swear, I would think all of this sweating would assist me with losing weight. It does not. It's just one of those things that comes as a package deal. Seemingly, just for me.
Before I go any further, I want to thank Dione and Timm, for stopping by last evening for the breaking of bread and wonderful conversation. I have not seen Timm since the mid 1990's and was just recently reunited with Dione. She surprised me with a visit to hospital. We were co-workers and friends over at the big blue box store. The point is, is that once we as friends were reconnected, their words were placed into action. These friends who have been friends for decades and although we may not have seen one another for years, our friendship remained solid. These beautiful people and their beautiful family kept things real. More so than I might say for a whole hell of alot of Kinfolk. Kinfolk? I'm knowing there has to be some re-evaluation on this piece. Shit.
Life? Really?
There's so much I want to do. There's so much I want to see.
I have been burdened by the sadness and gloom that has once again settled deep with-in my Core. My batteries are running on low and the darkness has me on the verge of breaking. I have been communicating this "being on the verge of breaking". I'm starting to think them I speak with have no ears, because surely no one listens. Not even my own therapist was listening to my words. I think he was more interested in seeing me cry. I have cried and have cried more than I really want to share, but this is a fact. Who know's? I don't.
Yes, I continue to eat my pretty little pills and also eat them that are big as a horse pill. The pills that come in such a pretty array of colors. Pink, blue, red, yellow, white, cute little transparent orbs and the huge ones with razors that stick out of each side...
John Wayne is out to pasture and I have not seen him in a few day's. I miss My Path and feel if I have neglected myself. Even with the committments I have made to battle these diseases and illness's, I feel neglected by self and other's. I'm tired of this...
...I think I'll fill my tires on my trike, John Wayne, and bust a move. I have been asked not to, but these people do not know what it feels like in my shoes. I do not want to be placed in the position of losing something because I did not use it. Can you dig it?
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