Peace,
I have decided to hop on in here a spell and do just a bit of tip tapping. I have had such a strong day, the energy has rolled over into the night, and now the wee hours of our morning over here in North America. Not too long ago we gained a couple of extra hours of day light and I might suspect this has provided my step a bit of an extra pep. Nice. Peter, other than the same daily symptoms, issues, and the whatever that come with my Version 1.0, Meniere's throws at me, or whatever the damned level of pain may be, I sit here in my safe place this morning. It's 0330 and I have simply been so preoccupied with odds and ends, I have done a couple of silly tasks, like recycling, preparing items for donation and having fun preparing a new box for my eldest daughter, who lives in a land far and far away. I miss my baby. Every day of my life.
I had therapy with Sir Dude, this afternoon and consider our session a productive one. Yes, true, it was a productive face to face session, I simply suspect this one of those 'off the cuff' gatherings. Which is absolutely cleared by me, sometimes a nice no real agenda or direction session is like a water tubing down a nice cool country river. Mosey along and just have a good question and answer session. We also conducted a brief review of my medications and then it was time to scoot. We got right on in with the connection and conversations that we let go deep, deep enough time seemingly flashed before me. A 50 minute or so session felt like five minutes. Therapy, my therapist and working on the Mind and Emotional aspects of my Better Health Plan is just as urgent for me as the medication I eat daily for all and whatever it is I am dealing with today.
In my case, and I agree with this comment 100%, every aspect of my teams tie in with one and another, just like a proper run Team. A Better Ran Team? Please, understand this please, I think truly, the sight from this spot looks a bit brighter at this moment for me.
So I work it, as in I am keeping my mind busy and keeping the every energy strong, positive of realistically possible and yes, I am open to the prayers and love that has been sent my way. . And when I say or comment of strong days, these are days and times when I am able to participate in some simple Life's goings on that I used to take for granted, I mean I really took so much of my health for granted. I am here now, the Winter has become Spring, I open my heart and am open and dedicated to each, every and all allotted dates and times for every doctor appointment that I am scheduled for, and for those yet to come. I do my best to do my best to keep keeping on. Yes, Honorable One.
I learned that it is true and right to let go and let God take the wheel, but I've noticed in my shoes, I very truly have to keep a pinkie finger on it (irrational, I know). My God, takes care of me, My God, has blessed them who are my doctors, 'all' of their staff, and all associates that I may come into contact with while in any facility I am visiting for the whys and all the what ever.
I'm keeping real and it comes with a smile at this instant. Peace.
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
About Me And I, And I And I Am Who I Am
Kin Folk and Kindred,
Just a few words about me and I, and I and I am who I am.
Odd business how it is with my life's changes, it becomes a health business.
Seems to me, that what good health I ever had,
it too seemed to leave me, when my life was lived as a victim.
Then they play with me for years, then them stopped.
Then no wait! YES! I was sexually assaulted by an NCO when
I stationed with the 440th in Darmstadt. Which continued a cycle
of abuse/abuses of Male Dominance over me. Confusion. Say it!
I am afraid for the now - I am a member of our 440th Community.
I have dealt with the darkness of this incident, my fellow G.I.'s. For years.
Please, you all, don't through me out! This fool took advantage of me.
Then came Anorexia and Bulimia, for so many years, I lost
count of self branding, as if I were cattle. This was all about too so much of me.
About me and I, and I and I am who I am.
What I'm going to do and do over, is what ever to beat this -
Disease, Meniere's. Is it that I leave me in Dream World.
I can't tell. Is this really all a test? I just heard an old walkie-talkie
in my Left Deaf Ear. There's these random ass sounds that come with Meniere's.
Daily Audible Hallucinations, one person called it. Huh? Said that one time.
Shit, I've heard conversations and talks come back.
Which compounds the pains that dwell deep within my skeleton. Pain.
Which exacerbates my asthma, of which required an appointment last week.
And I am afraid that these two lungs and I may be hospital bound.
The loneliness of life. This medical and self imposed exile is hard to describe.
But I am familiar with this, I know such exile creates sadness that travels with it.
How odd a business this damned Meniere's Disease...
...damned sleep and slumber, pains between my muscles and my bones.
My and all of mine and I, say this, I'm going to work my ass off. Dizzy or not.
Honey, Odd business how it is with my life. Please let us work as one team. Please.
Please. I'm just some a simple PFC who was taken advantage of. To my Sisters there!
To All my Angels, My Arch Angels, My Saint's and My Lord Jesus, My God,
Thank You. I am Blessed and I know this. My two eye balls have seen much.
Seen.
Just a few words about me and I, and I and I am who I am.
Odd business how it is with my life's changes, it becomes a health business.
Seems to me, that what good health I ever had,
it too seemed to leave me, when my life was lived as a victim.
Then they play with me for years, then them stopped.
Then no wait! YES! I was sexually assaulted by an NCO when
I stationed with the 440th in Darmstadt. Which continued a cycle
of abuse/abuses of Male Dominance over me. Confusion. Say it!
I am afraid for the now - I am a member of our 440th Community.
I have dealt with the darkness of this incident, my fellow G.I.'s. For years.
Please, you all, don't through me out! This fool took advantage of me.
Then came Anorexia and Bulimia, for so many years, I lost
count of self branding, as if I were cattle. This was all about too so much of me.
About me and I, and I and I am who I am.
What I'm going to do and do over, is what ever to beat this -
Disease, Meniere's. Is it that I leave me in Dream World.
I can't tell. Is this really all a test? I just heard an old walkie-talkie
in my Left Deaf Ear. There's these random ass sounds that come with Meniere's.
Daily Audible Hallucinations, one person called it. Huh? Said that one time.
Shit, I've heard conversations and talks come back.
Which compounds the pains that dwell deep within my skeleton. Pain.
Which exacerbates my asthma, of which required an appointment last week.
And I am afraid that these two lungs and I may be hospital bound.
The loneliness of life. This medical and self imposed exile is hard to describe.
But I am familiar with this, I know such exile creates sadness that travels with it.
How odd a business this damned Meniere's Disease...
...damned sleep and slumber, pains between my muscles and my bones.
My and all of mine and I, say this, I'm going to work my ass off. Dizzy or not.
Honey, Odd business how it is with my life. Please let us work as one team. Please.
Please. I'm just some a simple PFC who was taken advantage of. To my Sisters there!
To All my Angels, My Arch Angels, My Saint's and My Lord Jesus, My God,
Thank You. I am Blessed and I know this. My two eye balls have seen much.
Seen.
There's No Judges Here, My Meniere's
Dearest Kin Folk and Kindred Ones,
Tonight, I just want to say real quick like, that sometimes I believe it best that I not say too much anymore about my medical treatment. Whether it be even the odds and ends of today's ill state of affairs, too many folks are quick on their draw and same folks have lost about lost what the true definition of true etiquette is. Yes, friends, I say some shitty stuff from time-to-time, but that must be some damned shitty stuff for me to be going through. There are times when I speculate I might should reconsider my direction with this very simple means of communicating with others about Meniere's Disease, and decided a couple of years ago that I would open up my Path to include who I am, where I am, where I've been, seen, and I share something as helpful of I can with love. I simply wish to share what is going on with my family and friends and what this disease and pain has done to me. And them. In some 'Groups', I have read too many were uncomfortable. There seems to be a society where there is a tense contest to see who can up one on another with a quickness. Let me share this real quickly. Seen. I am not in some silly ass contest to see who has a worst case scenario illness or case of Meniere's, or any of the other invisible disease, all are welcomed to my Post's and ALL are welcomed to this silly little blog called, Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path. There's no judges here and I sure enough do not wish to be judged, or made fun of, or any of that, that happens and is real. For shits sake, really, and there's so many Folks out here who pray for their worse case scenario. I can't understand this and that's not okay in my heart and Spirits. No, not okay, because, my brothers and sisters, I have seen what that worst case scenario looks like! I know how it affects the family to the core of Kinship. Please you all, take it all the contests with you. I don't require any more negativity on or near my Path, things have seemed to calm and settle a moment over this past week of much sleep. Kind One's, I am afraid I am just about threw with combating this damned Meniere's Disease and it's symptoms and the damned pains that have come from the Meniere's and Neurology.
NOTE: People are not just up and given the diagnosis "Meniere's Disease". As uncommon as it is, there seems to be a whole bunch of folks out there kicking it up about having "Meniere's Disease". Them and their text book talk about what Meniere's Disease is, very from the text, of a text book or and hit Meniere's Disease on Google and I promise that you'll come up with a whole heaping helping of bits and pieces about this invisible, life altering disease. One such disease without a cure, and a disease, my Kin Folk, that is determined and diagnosed scientifically addressed.
I am threw with ALL of this sickness. I am finished with being sick and seemingly unheard of. My body is in a dreadful damned state of pain every day of my life. Now, more than ever, a pain that lives with me twenty four hours a day. I don't understand why it is that I AM being kept from treatments, NOW, that could help this fellow Human out immediately?! Why must I wait for such a long period of time? I am confused in some societal ways and the negative thoughts that come from these observations and perpetuation. I, my Family and dearest of friends, simply wish to get all better. Please. By the way, there's really huge parts of my mind and heart where much debating take place, considering, over and over, just what it is I will be doing over the course of the next several weeks. The calendar of appointments weeks out are approaching a necessary hold on future appointments. My Mind is just as important in my Better Health, Mind and Body, that I figure this is but the tip of the ice berg for me. Or the top of it, which ever you would like to call this period approaching, some huge medicinal changes. These that I prepare to ram me full on, joining in with all of the illnesses that accompany me.
What am I to do or say anymore my friends? There's nothing for me to do but move along and keep this journey productive and encouraging as possible for me. There will be no more negative vibrations going on in my treatments anymore. They simply, fuck the process up, and no, I just don't want to deal with much more of those in my medical treatments. We as a Team will continue to work as fast and at a full speed ahead for my Team and I. And look, for me the fighting against the sleep and slumber hasn't been worth a damn lately because the sleep continues. I sleep as a way of life right now and I even have a diagnosis for it too, it's called Hyper-Somnia.
Kindred, all of you who are wishing to connect with some one who has Meniere's Disease, I welcome you. I have loved so many of my Guests and Readers. I reckon many are a look and see, but that's cool too. I simply wish to be out here. Out here and along with other of my life's Odds and Ends. I have been working with all of my doctors and my specialist for several years. Yes, I have my own ideas of what is going on within my foggy state of being, this desire to tip tap key-by-key to keep n touch with my dear ones.
This sleep and deep has had me by my Afro, has always been more of a Meniere's thing. It is a post attack or consequence or symptom, which ever you would like to call it, but yes, Meniere's attacks go hand and hand with me and my life.
Life.
I love to live!
Tonight, I just want to say real quick like, that sometimes I believe it best that I not say too much anymore about my medical treatment. Whether it be even the odds and ends of today's ill state of affairs, too many folks are quick on their draw and same folks have lost about lost what the true definition of true etiquette is. Yes, friends, I say some shitty stuff from time-to-time, but that must be some damned shitty stuff for me to be going through. There are times when I speculate I might should reconsider my direction with this very simple means of communicating with others about Meniere's Disease, and decided a couple of years ago that I would open up my Path to include who I am, where I am, where I've been, seen, and I share something as helpful of I can with love. I simply wish to share what is going on with my family and friends and what this disease and pain has done to me. And them. In some 'Groups', I have read too many were uncomfortable. There seems to be a society where there is a tense contest to see who can up one on another with a quickness. Let me share this real quickly. Seen. I am not in some silly ass contest to see who has a worst case scenario illness or case of Meniere's, or any of the other invisible disease, all are welcomed to my Post's and ALL are welcomed to this silly little blog called, Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path. There's no judges here and I sure enough do not wish to be judged, or made fun of, or any of that, that happens and is real. For shits sake, really, and there's so many Folks out here who pray for their worse case scenario. I can't understand this and that's not okay in my heart and Spirits. No, not okay, because, my brothers and sisters, I have seen what that worst case scenario looks like! I know how it affects the family to the core of Kinship. Please you all, take it all the contests with you. I don't require any more negativity on or near my Path, things have seemed to calm and settle a moment over this past week of much sleep. Kind One's, I am afraid I am just about threw with combating this damned Meniere's Disease and it's symptoms and the damned pains that have come from the Meniere's and Neurology.
NOTE: People are not just up and given the diagnosis "Meniere's Disease". As uncommon as it is, there seems to be a whole bunch of folks out there kicking it up about having "Meniere's Disease". Them and their text book talk about what Meniere's Disease is, very from the text, of a text book or and hit Meniere's Disease on Google and I promise that you'll come up with a whole heaping helping of bits and pieces about this invisible, life altering disease. One such disease without a cure, and a disease, my Kin Folk, that is determined and diagnosed scientifically addressed.
I am threw with ALL of this sickness. I am finished with being sick and seemingly unheard of. My body is in a dreadful damned state of pain every day of my life. Now, more than ever, a pain that lives with me twenty four hours a day. I don't understand why it is that I AM being kept from treatments, NOW, that could help this fellow Human out immediately?! Why must I wait for such a long period of time? I am confused in some societal ways and the negative thoughts that come from these observations and perpetuation. I, my Family and dearest of friends, simply wish to get all better. Please. By the way, there's really huge parts of my mind and heart where much debating take place, considering, over and over, just what it is I will be doing over the course of the next several weeks. The calendar of appointments weeks out are approaching a necessary hold on future appointments. My Mind is just as important in my Better Health, Mind and Body, that I figure this is but the tip of the ice berg for me. Or the top of it, which ever you would like to call this period approaching, some huge medicinal changes. These that I prepare to ram me full on, joining in with all of the illnesses that accompany me.
What am I to do or say anymore my friends? There's nothing for me to do but move along and keep this journey productive and encouraging as possible for me. There will be no more negative vibrations going on in my treatments anymore. They simply, fuck the process up, and no, I just don't want to deal with much more of those in my medical treatments. We as a Team will continue to work as fast and at a full speed ahead for my Team and I. And look, for me the fighting against the sleep and slumber hasn't been worth a damn lately because the sleep continues. I sleep as a way of life right now and I even have a diagnosis for it too, it's called Hyper-Somnia.
Kindred, all of you who are wishing to connect with some one who has Meniere's Disease, I welcome you. I have loved so many of my Guests and Readers. I reckon many are a look and see, but that's cool too. I simply wish to be out here. Out here and along with other of my life's Odds and Ends. I have been working with all of my doctors and my specialist for several years. Yes, I have my own ideas of what is going on within my foggy state of being, this desire to tip tap key-by-key to keep n touch with my dear ones.
This sleep and deep has had me by my Afro, has always been more of a Meniere's thing. It is a post attack or consequence or symptom, which ever you would like to call it, but yes, Meniere's attacks go hand and hand with me and my life.
Life.
I love to live!
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Super Shero's! Sam? Sam! Nick! Botswana! Let's Work It!
Sam. Don't be alarmed, I just wanted to stop by to say hello. Hear you say, hello dad. By the way, I miss you, you know, daughter? I love you baby, and I wish you didn't live so far away. Pooh! Chill, chill, all is fine and well here. Nikki, just eager and with great anticipation from waiting for you to receive this package from home. Gurrrl! The waiting is driving me insane for you my dear! I am so sure you will grade most gifts as super, maybe, clutter might could be but they'll make sense in the long run. You know Pooh? Like that Tampa refrigerator magnet for your refrigerator. LOL! Botswana, isn't it mad how our baby's are almost our age! This is to the so many memory's of the miles and miles you marched over the years while at that High school in South Tampa. Right. In this fifteen pound box you are going to have a blast! Oh Nikki! Just you wait and see! There are little surprises that are going to have you saying, "wow!", no doubt. There are surprises to eat! Spanish Rice! Spices from the Everglades of our Home State, Florida. Them new sweet treats like them New Butter Finger Cups! There is American Coffee and Cuban Coffee, too. There's a top secret, awesome surprise that might make you scream when you read the French printed on it, and realize it is a gift direct from England to you from your fabulous T.V. series "Dr. Who"! Can you believe this shit? Hey! Don't stress. Your Paw, is going to be okay. Nikki, do not relegate too many to the clutter pile. Please? Okay? Okay. If you look with your heart, you'll see that there are items for the wall behind where you sit at your computer. Damn it! That Pirate Magnet though! I think it is because we all believe in pirates here in town and what better way than to celebrate with magnets for the ice box! Kikki, so that you remember your Town of Tampa, Baby. Go Rays! There might even be two or three tokens from your childhood, somewhere in those fifteen pounds of treats and things that Daddy's hold on to for their Baby's. Nikki Pooh, I miss you so much! Yes! I said it too! But, oh, my dearest Honorable Daughter Number One. I don't know yet how a father expresses to his daughter what it feels like when a piece of the Daddy heart is cut and removed. When One's daughter is so far away and very far away. I keep in touch with God and The Great Spirit, and the Saints. You Women!
Hey, hey, hey, we are really doing this! A friend of mine and I are planning on having a lunch some time soon. We're pretty danged cool buds in life and on a social page. She-Who-Is-Like-We and I will soon be breaking bread. I am thinking about locale, and the budget. What an opportunity for me to be with and connect with a real Face Book friend. There are mutual friends between us and it's so crazy just how many friends there is. So yes, I know some Folks from my life who know my dear new friend. LOL! Me, oh my, oh my, oh my. I hope to meet another person with Meniere's Disease. I will meet her quite soon because I want to shoo off and away this dust,
My lodge is here in the North West corner of Hillsborugh County. Sitting on the North end of a cul-de-sac on .48 acre, with the crib occupying a chunk of it, a bit, but still have many good Mother Earth space for parks and enjoyment. Visual pleasure. If God approves such.
My bride and her stresses are to have releases that are at once cleansing and all together disengaging, enriching upon time to breathe. And recharge the positive energy within. I enjoy listening to silence with my Botswana. The music and talk of my Bird cousins are beautiful and fun to listen to as Mom raises hell with the Old man for forgetting some seed from the Bird Feed Store over at Mario and Botswana's store. I trust her and know that her hands are very capable. I have recently informed her that she is the one I want to get old with. She is my dear sweet Brenda. My gorgeous and so beautiful bride, I cried bride. Who was also the same beautiful, blue eyed blond that stole my heart from right in front of my eyes. I take the blame. I was completely helpless. I love her with my life's very passion, and have more enthusiasm knowing what true love is. Enthusiasm is to be alive. My Dear Sweet One, my sweet, sweet Girl Friend. A very true very best right good friend, I love you.
Anticipation to live. An enthusiasm to excel. Seen.
Hey, hey, hey, we are really doing this! A friend of mine and I are planning on having a lunch some time soon. We're pretty danged cool buds in life and on a social page. She-Who-Is-Like-We and I will soon be breaking bread. I am thinking about locale, and the budget. What an opportunity for me to be with and connect with a real Face Book friend. There are mutual friends between us and it's so crazy just how many friends there is. So yes, I know some Folks from my life who know my dear new friend. LOL! Me, oh my, oh my, oh my. I hope to meet another person with Meniere's Disease. I will meet her quite soon because I want to shoo off and away this dust,
My lodge is here in the North West corner of Hillsborugh County. Sitting on the North end of a cul-de-sac on .48 acre, with the crib occupying a chunk of it, a bit, but still have many good Mother Earth space for parks and enjoyment. Visual pleasure. If God approves such.
My bride and her stresses are to have releases that are at once cleansing and all together disengaging, enriching upon time to breathe. And recharge the positive energy within. I enjoy listening to silence with my Botswana. The music and talk of my Bird cousins are beautiful and fun to listen to as Mom raises hell with the Old man for forgetting some seed from the Bird Feed Store over at Mario and Botswana's store. I trust her and know that her hands are very capable. I have recently informed her that she is the one I want to get old with. She is my dear sweet Brenda. My gorgeous and so beautiful bride, I cried bride. Who was also the same beautiful, blue eyed blond that stole my heart from right in front of my eyes. I take the blame. I was completely helpless. I love her with my life's very passion, and have more enthusiasm knowing what true love is. Enthusiasm is to be alive. My Dear Sweet One, my sweet, sweet Girl Friend. A very true very best right good friend, I love you.
Anticipation to live. An enthusiasm to excel. Seen.
No, I'm Not The Guinea Pig
Hello,
I've been thinking lately that post procedures, after surgery, and such, I could really wish and hope for a nice trip out of here, my medical exile. Out of town to feel, breath and sense the energy of others in other community's, villages or a town. I just really require a medically necessary holidays for this patient. Somewhere - West, anywhere, North East, while remaining here in my South Eastern some place please. Any place other than these offices, clinic's, and hospitals I visit on a fairly busy basis, if it is not one establishment, another after another. There have times when I have had to schedule three appointments in on week. Back-to-Back-to-Back, and that is grueling Sisters. Yes, I am a frequent flyer patient on our awesome special Buses and Vans for disabled Folks, and due to my health reasons and issues, I have been afforded the opportunity to take the Small Blue Buses here in town, and this mode of transportation is an awesome mode of transport.
In my heart it seems as such so much has changed. Yet really, not so much has changed from my life at all. Then flip-it to the B-Side, and there isn't shit changed! Huh? Yes, I'll always have Meniere's Disease and the brief case full symptoms and shit that belongs to Meniere's. I'll forever carry this pail over flowing with a liters illnesses, diseases, and the what-not. So yes, it is time I take a closer look and will be taking more care of myself, where is it that we are going as a team and then follow each and every doctor as the doctor leads me. Sadly, there will always be the odd folk in the medical health care business playing their games and I have not too long ago have learned and decided to over look these folks and their poor attitudes. There attitudes are not mine and I am not going to let them be one's who play with my emotions, as this shit just happens to have happened on too many multi levels of my life. I mean wait, I have been sick so long that my mind is getting sick and tired of being sick and in pain. What the hell?
I am one who has always fought and fought freaking hard to keep from becoming a statistic on any body's Top Ten. No. Yes. I mean to say that I am not comfortable wearing these shoes and don't know if I'll ever be able to be okay like this. Live like this. Be like that? Am I here already?
Come on, Ma'am, I see myself in the mirror and I see the change in my physical appearance. How I have changed in features over this past five or six years, I take a step back to see my droopy left eye, this one that went gimp when I did back after the period of many necessary cuts and snips. This is the one left eye that goes gimpy closed from time to time, my skeleton knows and understands what had happened, and I understand this, but you see, I have one doctor in this hand who says this is this, and then on the very other hand I have one other doctor who says that it is that, from the other clinic. So, I try my damned best to keep calm and move along. My Doctors are my Leader's, they lead and I follow. I do feel I am all shook up, hell yeah, I am. I am a grown ass fellow, and feel like a child being led by the hand to go see doctor! Oh! I'm such a fine and sweet, grand boy! Oh sure, all of this is based on a true story, you know? So I say, well you then my friends, and members of my Better Health Team, say a little prayer for me.
My Friends, all of this preparation's, talk and plans have all made me provide too much space in here to ruminate on the potential that I am being prepared for some sort of laboratory examination. As if I am permitting and letting us play guinea pig on me is an honor, but Lord Please, let some body hear my words when I speak and share about me shaking while entering deep stages of sleep. As in, for the preparation for sleep and then I have the twitches that bring me back from wherever I went to while in the beginning stages of meditations. Sometimes twitched in such an utter surprise that it is startling to me. Yeah, another something and another oddity that can scare the paleness from this mixed blood's skin and face. BOOM! Instant pale! Similar, yes to the instant Meniere's attack! Out of No Where!
I have to go lay down. Yes, I'll fight sleep, just sweating like badly out of the clear. Same ole shit.
I've been thinking lately that post procedures, after surgery, and such, I could really wish and hope for a nice trip out of here, my medical exile. Out of town to feel, breath and sense the energy of others in other community's, villages or a town. I just really require a medically necessary holidays for this patient. Somewhere - West, anywhere, North East, while remaining here in my South Eastern some place please. Any place other than these offices, clinic's, and hospitals I visit on a fairly busy basis, if it is not one establishment, another after another. There have times when I have had to schedule three appointments in on week. Back-to-Back-to-Back, and that is grueling Sisters. Yes, I am a frequent flyer patient on our awesome special Buses and Vans for disabled Folks, and due to my health reasons and issues, I have been afforded the opportunity to take the Small Blue Buses here in town, and this mode of transportation is an awesome mode of transport.
In my heart it seems as such so much has changed. Yet really, not so much has changed from my life at all. Then flip-it to the B-Side, and there isn't shit changed! Huh? Yes, I'll always have Meniere's Disease and the brief case full symptoms and shit that belongs to Meniere's. I'll forever carry this pail over flowing with a liters illnesses, diseases, and the what-not. So yes, it is time I take a closer look and will be taking more care of myself, where is it that we are going as a team and then follow each and every doctor as the doctor leads me. Sadly, there will always be the odd folk in the medical health care business playing their games and I have not too long ago have learned and decided to over look these folks and their poor attitudes. There attitudes are not mine and I am not going to let them be one's who play with my emotions, as this shit just happens to have happened on too many multi levels of my life. I mean wait, I have been sick so long that my mind is getting sick and tired of being sick and in pain. What the hell?
I am one who has always fought and fought freaking hard to keep from becoming a statistic on any body's Top Ten. No. Yes. I mean to say that I am not comfortable wearing these shoes and don't know if I'll ever be able to be okay like this. Live like this. Be like that? Am I here already?
Come on, Ma'am, I see myself in the mirror and I see the change in my physical appearance. How I have changed in features over this past five or six years, I take a step back to see my droopy left eye, this one that went gimp when I did back after the period of many necessary cuts and snips. This is the one left eye that goes gimpy closed from time to time, my skeleton knows and understands what had happened, and I understand this, but you see, I have one doctor in this hand who says this is this, and then on the very other hand I have one other doctor who says that it is that, from the other clinic. So, I try my damned best to keep calm and move along. My Doctors are my Leader's, they lead and I follow. I do feel I am all shook up, hell yeah, I am. I am a grown ass fellow, and feel like a child being led by the hand to go see doctor! Oh! I'm such a fine and sweet, grand boy! Oh sure, all of this is based on a true story, you know? So I say, well you then my friends, and members of my Better Health Team, say a little prayer for me.
My Friends, all of this preparation's, talk and plans have all made me provide too much space in here to ruminate on the potential that I am being prepared for some sort of laboratory examination. As if I am permitting and letting us play guinea pig on me is an honor, but Lord Please, let some body hear my words when I speak and share about me shaking while entering deep stages of sleep. As in, for the preparation for sleep and then I have the twitches that bring me back from wherever I went to while in the beginning stages of meditations. Sometimes twitched in such an utter surprise that it is startling to me. Yeah, another something and another oddity that can scare the paleness from this mixed blood's skin and face. BOOM! Instant pale! Similar, yes to the instant Meniere's attack! Out of No Where!
I have to go lay down. Yes, I'll fight sleep, just sweating like badly out of the clear. Same ole shit.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
A Yearning To Connect, Meniere's Disease And Pain
Hello, and Greetings To All,
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Brochitis And Asthma, Diagnosed Today, 13 March 2014
Relations,
I have had to introduce a new team to our all ready hectic pace with my doctors presently working with me to help me find what would be a better and healthier state of life for some one my age. I am feeling alienated from my own society, my culture, my Kin Folk, and so many others. There is something happening from within and I look forward to networking and finding classes for ASL. As far as my health, which is my number one priority in life, my three major and crucial health areas have been Meniere's, Neurological issues, neurological pain, and on and on. At Age 54. Such BS. Focus has been to focus on one at a time when it comes to the neurology, I really mean I wish for some sort of control of my neurological functions. Or as in to be functional as possible. and pain free as possible. Secondly, I am placing energy and consideration on what it could be like someday. I pray. I seek to find a or 'the' formula that will provide me the opportunity to be functional in my community and society. I am aware and know of two communities who miss my loud, sometimes angry, sometimes Joyful voice very much. I miss my Voice. Oh, please you all! I'm here, just sick and run down - beat up a bit, but I'm holding on Joey! This medical group and it's specialty's are pulmonary and sleep. We as patient/doctors have had association since 1990. Doctor and his colleges here have saved my life. I know this and I know in my Spirit's that my respiratory functions have been truly labored lately. My gut was telling me there was little time to play with so I included my good right and dear doctor. The treatment of my Asthma has always been included in my treatment plans, but I think, I had my lungs almost posted as ancillary departments of my body. Well, with that type of 'self-triage', I just about got my large frame resting up in a small ass hospital bed. No thank you please. You know? This is something by the pure force of the disease over my lungs and breathing, that I simply have no alternative but to include in treatment plan presently. Not breathing brings about dreadful particular health issues. I was welcomed back with open arms and there was a true happiness in the air, Over the years, a deep trust that was established years ago, has become family. I welcome my Pulmonary-Critical Care Doctor, Dr. Lung Love, back into my Life, My Path and My Circles. We watched one and another grow year by year, and watched as our children went through school, on to university's and now practicing whatever it is that they decided to do as a career. I love them. Well, my Right Good Doctor Lung Love, has placed me back on the inhaled steroid created and manufactured for Bronchial Asthma and a "Z" Pack. Oh, and please, do realize that I observe more chemicals added to my daily medicinal regimen. I am in the position to ingest medicine. What else can I do? I am expected to have laboratory's and Chest X-Ray's completed prior to our visit in one month time. Then, come those four Weeks, or there around and on that day I will participate in a nice damned breathing test. Marcello, I my dear nephew, please remind me to remind you to remind me to go to the labs for my Primary Internist, down in Whitesville, Florida. Please? At this moment, there's so too damned much going on - too many tests - to many procedures - too many nurses - too many needles - too many Chiefs and I am a Nation Of One. Please, My People's. I am silently screaming for emotional relief. I am as a dog on a leash - 'go here, come here, go there'. Please. I have sensed the relief within hands reach lately but, only from a distance. I will not, nor will I be satisfied until I see what are bits of lungs and mystery pieces from my innards and undercarriage.
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