Hello,
I've been thinking lately that post procedures, after surgery, and such, I could really wish and hope for a nice trip out of here, my medical exile. Out of town to feel, breath and sense the energy of others in other community's, villages or a town. I just really require a medically necessary holidays for this patient. Somewhere - West, anywhere, North East, while remaining here in my South Eastern some place please. Any place other than these offices, clinic's, and hospitals I visit on a fairly busy basis, if it is not one establishment, another after another. There have times when I have had to schedule three appointments in on week. Back-to-Back-to-Back, and that is grueling Sisters. Yes, I am a frequent flyer patient on our awesome special Buses and Vans for disabled Folks, and due to my health reasons and issues, I have been afforded the opportunity to take the Small Blue Buses here in town, and this mode of transportation is an awesome mode of transport.
In my heart it seems as such so much has changed. Yet really, not so much has changed from my life at all. Then flip-it to the B-Side, and there isn't shit changed! Huh? Yes, I'll always have Meniere's Disease and the brief case full symptoms and shit that belongs to Meniere's. I'll forever carry this pail over flowing with a liters illnesses, diseases, and the what-not. So yes, it is time I take a closer look and will be taking more care of myself, where is it that we are going as a team and then follow each and every doctor as the doctor leads me. Sadly, there will always be the odd folk in the medical health care business playing their games and I have not too long ago have learned and decided to over look these folks and their poor attitudes. There attitudes are not mine and I am not going to let them be one's who play with my emotions, as this shit just happens to have happened on too many multi levels of my life. I mean wait, I have been sick so long that my mind is getting sick and tired of being sick and in pain. What the hell?
I am one who has always fought and fought freaking hard to keep from becoming a statistic on any body's Top Ten. No. Yes. I mean to say that I am not comfortable wearing these shoes and don't know if I'll ever be able to be okay like this. Live like this. Be like that? Am I here already?
Come on, Ma'am, I see myself in the mirror and I see the change in my physical appearance. How I have changed in features over this past five or six years, I take a step back to see my droopy left eye, this one that went gimp when I did back after the period of many necessary cuts and snips. This is the one left eye that goes gimpy closed from time to time, my skeleton knows and understands what had happened, and I understand this, but you see, I have one doctor in this hand who says this is this, and then on the very other hand I have one other doctor who says that it is that, from the other clinic. So, I try my damned best to keep calm and move along. My Doctors are my Leader's, they lead and I follow. I do feel I am all shook up, hell yeah, I am. I am a grown ass fellow, and feel like a child being led by the hand to go see doctor! Oh! I'm such a fine and sweet, grand boy! Oh sure, all of this is based on a true story, you know? So I say, well you then my friends, and members of my Better Health Team, say a little prayer for me.
My Friends, all of this preparation's, talk and plans have all made me provide too much space in here to ruminate on the potential that I am being prepared for some sort of laboratory examination. As if I am permitting and letting us play guinea pig on me is an honor, but Lord Please, let some body hear my words when I speak and share about me shaking while entering deep stages of sleep. As in, for the preparation for sleep and then I have the twitches that bring me back from wherever I went to while in the beginning stages of meditations. Sometimes twitched in such an utter surprise that it is startling to me. Yeah, another something and another oddity that can scare the paleness from this mixed blood's skin and face. BOOM! Instant pale! Similar, yes to the instant Meniere's attack! Out of No Where!
I have to go lay down. Yes, I'll fight sleep, just sweating like badly out of the clear. Same ole shit.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
A Yearning To Connect, Meniere's Disease And Pain
Hello, and Greetings To All,
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
I have finally gotten to the point where I feel a yearning to reconnect with my Kindred Ones and Kin Folk here. It isn't that I have not wanted to send out a communique, it's that I have slept for roughly sixty hours in the past four and a half days. A possible record for me but I did not keep any minute detail of these past four days or so. I know very well I was able to have a visit with my daughter, a very dear friend and her son stopped by the lodge for a visit. I'm afraid there was a connection missed on that one, as Mama Dee never did have that talk with me, sure this is a topic of interest and is something that will be high importance on my follow up list.
There comes a point when and where I simply must get myself up from where I am in my skull. You know, the stuff, my innards, and all of the matter that is my brain. Sometimes there is so too much of a self critical that self critique. My God, I have been like this all of my life and even still have not figured out a way to bust threw these damned solid walls that separate me from my 'out there in life'. I know damned well that this is not the end of my life, and for this I am most thankful. the same thankfulness that I have in the very core of me that await this extraordinary surgical procedure at Moffitt come a quick five weeks or so. I am preparing self in mind and body and am very well aware of the legendary care I receive at Moffitt Cancer Center. I spoke with a young lady today, she was "She Who Speaks With Spring In Her Voice", and she is the person who is preparing my 'to-do-list' for the night prior to surgery. My labs will be done this weekend and the X-Rays sometime this week.
It is a jolly good damned thing that I have therapy next week. I can feel a pulling around within my skull, like a tug-of-war going on between both halves and chambers are going at it. These PAIN are getting to the point of often times complete unbearable mind bending pain. There is not a description I could borrow to these tear wrenching unnecessary pain! I have not enjoyed the spin-the-bottle with me as the bottle and which ever doctor I land on, passes me on to yet another doctor. I am in PAIN! I take the three medicines required, one for pain and two for anti muscle spasms. I am not in the position to cry too much more because I can surely see myself dieing from lack of breath. As if suffocating on my own breath, it is not life altering enough as it is, and shit, what horror to know what this feels like. So, damn it, I want the surgery to get here. Yes, please, just somebody help me with these pains stemming from neurological injury, or the neurological pains from my neck, cervical spine, my shoulders, sockets too, and my back all the way down to the lower back. I need help real soon. That or I think I'll end up in hospital for something else, and I am not inclined to share any of that at this time. For shits sake, I'm beat and I am exhausted.
The crossing of Meniere's Disease symptoms have made for a very difficult four point however many days I have slept/lived! The nausea has been so powerful that I have had active vomit with high nausea. I am sweating in a naturally cool house and have the sensations of having been stomped from skull to my toe knuckles. My entire pain suffers me, my dearest Kindred, all I am to do is keep living. I have a life to live and oh boy, there are such awesome things happening on this Family's parts and pieces. I am feeling and seeing change, the beginnings of forgiveness, love, natural reunions, and more love from so many I consider dearest of friends.
The dizziness as always, plays a roll in my day to day. I have not fallen in over a week but there have been much head bashing and wall walking as my balance is off today. Over the past few days, the natural compass was spinning like some silly late night T.V. show. No, the nausea does not occur because of dizziness or switched around it's the same sensations. Same Old Shit.
My Left Deaf Ear has been listening to a steady lower toned beep that is steady and repetitive - though slowly, which is sometimes more miserable than a quicker paced beeping. The calls of submarines navigating about in the vast oceans of my skull is intermittent with the beeps and those damned sonar ping's. I listen to the voices in the next room though no one's home but me, this type of Meniere's rubbish as gotten so bad that I am beginning to fear the night. And I love the night. My Right Good-Bad-Ear is listening to a constant tip-tapping of a type writer - a well experienced typist too. I share with you know my friends, that there are many times that I wish for quiet. Just some quiet please. My right ear has had some massive plops and pops over the past several weeks. Sometimes plopping so loud that it still scares the poop out of me. I mean, it is literally like a loud clap of the hand, and yes it startles, often times gives me a jolt.
I am through. I've said enough and I must get up for a few steps. I wish all peace and love.
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Brochitis And Asthma, Diagnosed Today, 13 March 2014
Relations,
I have had to introduce a new team to our all ready hectic pace with my doctors presently working with me to help me find what would be a better and healthier state of life for some one my age. I am feeling alienated from my own society, my culture, my Kin Folk, and so many others. There is something happening from within and I look forward to networking and finding classes for ASL. As far as my health, which is my number one priority in life, my three major and crucial health areas have been Meniere's, Neurological issues, neurological pain, and on and on. At Age 54. Such BS. Focus has been to focus on one at a time when it comes to the neurology, I really mean I wish for some sort of control of my neurological functions. Or as in to be functional as possible. and pain free as possible. Secondly, I am placing energy and consideration on what it could be like someday. I pray. I seek to find a or 'the' formula that will provide me the opportunity to be functional in my community and society. I am aware and know of two communities who miss my loud, sometimes angry, sometimes Joyful voice very much. I miss my Voice. Oh, please you all! I'm here, just sick and run down - beat up a bit, but I'm holding on Joey! This medical group and it's specialty's are pulmonary and sleep. We as patient/doctors have had association since 1990. Doctor and his colleges here have saved my life. I know this and I know in my Spirit's that my respiratory functions have been truly labored lately. My gut was telling me there was little time to play with so I included my good right and dear doctor. The treatment of my Asthma has always been included in my treatment plans, but I think, I had my lungs almost posted as ancillary departments of my body. Well, with that type of 'self-triage', I just about got my large frame resting up in a small ass hospital bed. No thank you please. You know? This is something by the pure force of the disease over my lungs and breathing, that I simply have no alternative but to include in treatment plan presently. Not breathing brings about dreadful particular health issues. I was welcomed back with open arms and there was a true happiness in the air, Over the years, a deep trust that was established years ago, has become family. I welcome my Pulmonary-Critical Care Doctor, Dr. Lung Love, back into my Life, My Path and My Circles. We watched one and another grow year by year, and watched as our children went through school, on to university's and now practicing whatever it is that they decided to do as a career. I love them. Well, my Right Good Doctor Lung Love, has placed me back on the inhaled steroid created and manufactured for Bronchial Asthma and a "Z" Pack. Oh, and please, do realize that I observe more chemicals added to my daily medicinal regimen. I am in the position to ingest medicine. What else can I do? I am expected to have laboratory's and Chest X-Ray's completed prior to our visit in one month time. Then, come those four Weeks, or there around and on that day I will participate in a nice damned breathing test. Marcello, I my dear nephew, please remind me to remind you to remind me to go to the labs for my Primary Internist, down in Whitesville, Florida. Please? At this moment, there's so too damned much going on - too many tests - to many procedures - too many nurses - too many needles - too many Chiefs and I am a Nation Of One. Please, My People's. I am silently screaming for emotional relief. I am as a dog on a leash - 'go here, come here, go there'. Please. I have sensed the relief within hands reach lately but, only from a distance. I will not, nor will I be satisfied until I see what are bits of lungs and mystery pieces from my innards and undercarriage.
Hot Pants ...
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
The Voices Come Back. My Ear And Facial Spasms And Pains Return
Kind One's,
I began this communique last evening and was psychically unable to complete it. It was one of those disgusting, most dreadful, nauseating places to be, when Life like that happens to us.
Yes, it just happens with me, on and on with these damned diseases and dreadful pains through-out my back and ribs and shoulders - then, out of no where I was vomiting harshly. Violently and with projection! I don't remember what happened, not the time or what it was that brought on such a sudden, surprising, state attack of being when engulfed by some sort of strange spinning sensation! A tornado. I was a fucking 'Human Top', and I am still dealing with post attack symptoms of whatever sort of attack that took place here and I am pleased to report I have been able to beat the sleep today, I am committed to taking my medicine on time and have taken my medicines as ordered. So yes, I am a bit put off by this sudden, disgusting drama, perpetrated by a damned disease I still don't know shit about! For now, I'll say it is all a mystery. It could have been a Meniere's attack, I don't know, one of those sneak attacks, like an Air Strike, to invade, then move along. Yes, my guests, there is that damned disease called Meniere's again. The same Meniere's that has me by the throat and bits of my undercarriage. It knows that I live here, so it lives here with me, my wife and our hounds. I know this, it's just that this is a disease that has created so many issues of health and odd side affects. Then there are those that stir my emotional state of mind, my emotional mood. There are symptoms and scenario's of what is happening in my life and health now. My health, that are an absolute of every day in my Life. Illnesses and being sick of illnesses are beginning to sink in hard and heavy.
Problems with my cervical spine and several Neurological issues are being addressed with a procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center. There is the very one, the true, Thoracic 1, and my lower lumbar spine are definite issues that will also be dealt with by procedure and surgery as too, but I can't see or be expected to be thrown threw hoops or surgical marathons. My professor and doctors have begun by starting from the top of my frame, to the very lower parts and innards of my back.
Oh yeah, this very back that has been there for me and has carried me through many fantastic years of good living and such great working opportunities with my occupations. Those sweet fun times of playing sports when I was not too much younger. Living the life.! I enjoyed the soft ball field, baseball games, flag foot ball and other fun things to do before Meniere's threw my life through changes I would have never imagines. For shits sake. I see it now, I believe there's a direct message from the Great One. Oh, how I say Thank You, My Good Great God, Thank You!
All of what is going on Neurologically, has been on a per step basis, plus Botox procedure every three months. My Professor, She-With-Many-Names, has led the way with several different options and continues to work with me on finding the just right one thing. I feel her enthusiasm.. Her passion with every breath she takes. Going on with her job, me, and going on to report, as far what she has seen and worked on, this case has been classified as "one of the worst cases she has seen", while speaking with a visiting physician, who was there to observe the procedure of BOTOX Injections. A fine good fellow physician, who is introducing the procedure at his practice. Bless my professionals, my doctors and surgeons, my professor and nurses. They are all Teachers teaching teacher's. This is a blessing to me. I believe so.
Note: From this point on, is from last night. 10 March 2014.
Relations,
Hello. I have just had to retreat from a full frontal attack on of all nights!? Focus, Sir. I've had some days over the past week that presented new and grueling challenges. One being this present five day run with a case of liquid bowel movements. Yes Ma'am, just the way it sounds. A foul case of liquid bowel movements. So I drink coconut water. Drinking plenty water and pineapple juice, cranberry juice and plenty of filtered water chilled from the ice box to cleanse my toxic and bitter system being attacked by something. I am ignorant of what a doctor would say, but I knew I was dealing with what sounded and felt like a stomach virus or minor infection/bug of a sort. There's so many sick folks out there America. And I happen to frequent these establishments that would have peoples with germs and what not. When my body speaks to me, I've learned to listen. That may have taken a bit over half of a century - but I know now. I can proclaim this! Yes, now then, back to that Thursday evening last week, I was experiencing a quake called Meniere's! Times I had to contend with episodes of active and sudden bouts of liquid bowel movements. Oh. No, it's not too funny. Having to monitor every cough, every sneeze, and heavens forbid needing to pass some toxic roaming gases from within these 25.5 miles of intestines, stomach, tubeage, accessories and what not. Oh please. Please, let me vent even if but for one brief moment because, I have been so sick that I have had horrific spams in my back. Horrible nines and tens, thrice times I was prepared to go to the emergency department. Both for this torturous pain that alters my life before my eyes. My hearing and worsening eye sight join in for some stupid ass games.
Voices have become active. More active I could say too. Sounds, distorted vision and visions. I hear them speak again with urgent verbiage and demanding requests and orders. I have slept, sheltering myself from these pains and the Meniere's that rock my world. The one deaf ear on my left side keeps picking up sounds of a satellite very clear and definitely very loud. Please, know these sounds have been unusually commanding these past few days. Frustratingly demanding and takes my breath as asthma and disease take my breathe away, and I know I have been sick for days. Well, for much longer than that even, but maybe you understand. Blame it on me being a Mixed Breed and Bloodiness. Quickly because I am becoming sicker with motion to and from screen. Noises of loud insects now combat the crickets and cicadas that live here inside my house by the tens of thousands. So loud it reminds me of the Everglades. Okay. I have had projectile vomit that injured my already hurting and very sore back.
I am going sick and have stomach acids in my mouth. I want to go lay down one minute.
It is now 0108. 12 March 2014. Life.
I began this communique last evening and was psychically unable to complete it. It was one of those disgusting, most dreadful, nauseating places to be, when Life like that happens to us.
Yes, it just happens with me, on and on with these damned diseases and dreadful pains through-out my back and ribs and shoulders - then, out of no where I was vomiting harshly. Violently and with projection! I don't remember what happened, not the time or what it was that brought on such a sudden, surprising, state attack of being when engulfed by some sort of strange spinning sensation! A tornado. I was a fucking 'Human Top', and I am still dealing with post attack symptoms of whatever sort of attack that took place here and I am pleased to report I have been able to beat the sleep today, I am committed to taking my medicine on time and have taken my medicines as ordered. So yes, I am a bit put off by this sudden, disgusting drama, perpetrated by a damned disease I still don't know shit about! For now, I'll say it is all a mystery. It could have been a Meniere's attack, I don't know, one of those sneak attacks, like an Air Strike, to invade, then move along. Yes, my guests, there is that damned disease called Meniere's again. The same Meniere's that has me by the throat and bits of my undercarriage. It knows that I live here, so it lives here with me, my wife and our hounds. I know this, it's just that this is a disease that has created so many issues of health and odd side affects. Then there are those that stir my emotional state of mind, my emotional mood. There are symptoms and scenario's of what is happening in my life and health now. My health, that are an absolute of every day in my Life. Illnesses and being sick of illnesses are beginning to sink in hard and heavy.
Problems with my cervical spine and several Neurological issues are being addressed with a procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center. There is the very one, the true, Thoracic 1, and my lower lumbar spine are definite issues that will also be dealt with by procedure and surgery as too, but I can't see or be expected to be thrown threw hoops or surgical marathons. My professor and doctors have begun by starting from the top of my frame, to the very lower parts and innards of my back.
Oh yeah, this very back that has been there for me and has carried me through many fantastic years of good living and such great working opportunities with my occupations. Those sweet fun times of playing sports when I was not too much younger. Living the life.! I enjoyed the soft ball field, baseball games, flag foot ball and other fun things to do before Meniere's threw my life through changes I would have never imagines. For shits sake. I see it now, I believe there's a direct message from the Great One. Oh, how I say Thank You, My Good Great God, Thank You!
All of what is going on Neurologically, has been on a per step basis, plus Botox procedure every three months. My Professor, She-With-Many-Names, has led the way with several different options and continues to work with me on finding the just right one thing. I feel her enthusiasm.. Her passion with every breath she takes. Going on with her job, me, and going on to report, as far what she has seen and worked on, this case has been classified as "one of the worst cases she has seen", while speaking with a visiting physician, who was there to observe the procedure of BOTOX Injections. A fine good fellow physician, who is introducing the procedure at his practice. Bless my professionals, my doctors and surgeons, my professor and nurses. They are all Teachers teaching teacher's. This is a blessing to me. I believe so.
Note: From this point on, is from last night. 10 March 2014.
Relations,
Hello. I have just had to retreat from a full frontal attack on of all nights!? Focus, Sir. I've had some days over the past week that presented new and grueling challenges. One being this present five day run with a case of liquid bowel movements. Yes Ma'am, just the way it sounds. A foul case of liquid bowel movements. So I drink coconut water. Drinking plenty water and pineapple juice, cranberry juice and plenty of filtered water chilled from the ice box to cleanse my toxic and bitter system being attacked by something. I am ignorant of what a doctor would say, but I knew I was dealing with what sounded and felt like a stomach virus or minor infection/bug of a sort. There's so many sick folks out there America. And I happen to frequent these establishments that would have peoples with germs and what not. When my body speaks to me, I've learned to listen. That may have taken a bit over half of a century - but I know now. I can proclaim this! Yes, now then, back to that Thursday evening last week, I was experiencing a quake called Meniere's! Times I had to contend with episodes of active and sudden bouts of liquid bowel movements. Oh. No, it's not too funny. Having to monitor every cough, every sneeze, and heavens forbid needing to pass some toxic roaming gases from within these 25.5 miles of intestines, stomach, tubeage, accessories and what not. Oh please. Please, let me vent even if but for one brief moment because, I have been so sick that I have had horrific spams in my back. Horrible nines and tens, thrice times I was prepared to go to the emergency department. Both for this torturous pain that alters my life before my eyes. My hearing and worsening eye sight join in for some stupid ass games.
Voices have become active. More active I could say too. Sounds, distorted vision and visions. I hear them speak again with urgent verbiage and demanding requests and orders. I have slept, sheltering myself from these pains and the Meniere's that rock my world. The one deaf ear on my left side keeps picking up sounds of a satellite very clear and definitely very loud. Please, know these sounds have been unusually commanding these past few days. Frustratingly demanding and takes my breath as asthma and disease take my breathe away, and I know I have been sick for days. Well, for much longer than that even, but maybe you understand. Blame it on me being a Mixed Breed and Bloodiness. Quickly because I am becoming sicker with motion to and from screen. Noises of loud insects now combat the crickets and cicadas that live here inside my house by the tens of thousands. So loud it reminds me of the Everglades. Okay. I have had projectile vomit that injured my already hurting and very sore back.
I am going sick and have stomach acids in my mouth. I want to go lay down one minute.
It is now 0108. 12 March 2014. Life.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Meniere's On Four March 2014
Relations,
Let me share where I am with Meniere's Disease this morning, please. I don't feel as frantic as I did yesterday, though I do get this way whenever the fog settles in and into every crevice of both brains. Sometimes I get so wound up I do not know what to do with myself or my environment. I question myself on every matter in my life and am unsure whether this is a result of the Meniere's Disease, these pains that I consider Meniere's related, it is the neurological pains created due to multiple surgery's. Could it be these pains are from my cervical spine that reaches down into my neck, then down and around my shoulders and arms, sometimes to my wrists. I also contemplate, could all of this pain be the neurological pains that are due to skeletal issues. At this instant, my lower back pain is very low, so I do disregard my thoracic and lower lumbar spine.
There is a good case of nausea going on this morning with what feels like a cap mid way through my throat. I have taken all of my morning medicine and have had a small break fast with my sweet bride before she headed off to work. There are some times when my babe will take whatever hours she can as often as she can, as long as they do not conflict with my physical care. I accept that if it were not for me being sick, my dear would put in even more hours. Bless her heart, I feel and see the stress in my beautiful blue eyes. Even though we have found alternative ways to bridge the cap between us and our financial matters, we are still dealing with the concept of what we are doing with our lives at this time. Both she and I have worked since we were children, our parents did the same and our own children learned early in life to gain employment while young. As far as I am concerned, I still feel ashamed and am embarrassed that I am unable to contribute more to my family, our home, and our financial status. For that matter when we both held down our power jobs, there was no stress, or the only stress I may remember is that I hadn't saved enough to put a beautiful piece of Mother Earth, on mountain side aside for Botswana and I, and our future generations. So close we were, so very close, and then I become disabled with Meniere's Disease and Asthma, Neurological issues after issue and I witnessed my body began to close in on me and now, my body form is no longer the one I used to know, nor capable of putting out the work force I had just a short few years ago when I was a Manager with Starbucks Coffee Company and I so very much loved what it was I was employed to do for my company and most importantly of all, was the hard work we put into ensuring legendary service and product for our Legendary Customers. I was so close, so close I could smell the beans roasting in Seattle.
Then, everything changed.
Today, I carry this dizziness that feels as if it is resting in the forehead of my skull as it is very located right here in the front of my skull. I realize now that I could have in fact benefited from BOTOX injections in this area when I had procedure on 20 Feb. 2014. What can I do? I will do the best I can and push ahead while waiting for first of all our first procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center and then, the next BOTOX procedure come May with Dr. She-With-Many-Names. It is a scatter brained fog, an intoxicating brain fog, that has me feeling like a nut. I am stuttering my words and sometimes forgetting what it was I was doing two hours ago. My vision is malfunctioning and even with glasses on I strain to read and have noticed that I squint my left eye orb almost closed. But, do not know why and this just happens to be the eye that does not cry like my other eye. I am aware it is best that I slow the processes of my life down a degree or few as I am placing my wagon before the mules.
I know, I know it is best I remain as safe and as very aware of my boundaries and environment for my own sake and safety. My balance and equilibrium as well, off center, and really, having said that I knew when I woke earlier this morning, that today is a day to be walked with purpose and intention. I really don't want to fall or risk falling. I am home alone and I am a bit scared. For two consecutive nights I have double bashed my head on the rest room door that is in our large bed room. Night before was one incident of a dribble against the door. Last night was a dribble twice of my head bouncing against this wooden door and my thick skull.
My heart feels aflutter this morning. If someone were to ask me right at this moment, what procedures are you having come 17 April or earlier, I could not answer. I know that I will be put to rest and then a doctor will begin to do whatever he must do. I've met him, so I know I can say he. Again, I trust a doctor with my life. Again, my doctors are my leaders, they lead and I follow. By the way, I will get the name of this first procedure to be conducted at Moffitt. For you and I.
I believe I can run, I believe I can touch the Sun. I want to run like Mr. Gump, and run. And run.
Let me share where I am with Meniere's Disease this morning, please. I don't feel as frantic as I did yesterday, though I do get this way whenever the fog settles in and into every crevice of both brains. Sometimes I get so wound up I do not know what to do with myself or my environment. I question myself on every matter in my life and am unsure whether this is a result of the Meniere's Disease, these pains that I consider Meniere's related, it is the neurological pains created due to multiple surgery's. Could it be these pains are from my cervical spine that reaches down into my neck, then down and around my shoulders and arms, sometimes to my wrists. I also contemplate, could all of this pain be the neurological pains that are due to skeletal issues. At this instant, my lower back pain is very low, so I do disregard my thoracic and lower lumbar spine.
There is a good case of nausea going on this morning with what feels like a cap mid way through my throat. I have taken all of my morning medicine and have had a small break fast with my sweet bride before she headed off to work. There are some times when my babe will take whatever hours she can as often as she can, as long as they do not conflict with my physical care. I accept that if it were not for me being sick, my dear would put in even more hours. Bless her heart, I feel and see the stress in my beautiful blue eyes. Even though we have found alternative ways to bridge the cap between us and our financial matters, we are still dealing with the concept of what we are doing with our lives at this time. Both she and I have worked since we were children, our parents did the same and our own children learned early in life to gain employment while young. As far as I am concerned, I still feel ashamed and am embarrassed that I am unable to contribute more to my family, our home, and our financial status. For that matter when we both held down our power jobs, there was no stress, or the only stress I may remember is that I hadn't saved enough to put a beautiful piece of Mother Earth, on mountain side aside for Botswana and I, and our future generations. So close we were, so very close, and then I become disabled with Meniere's Disease and Asthma, Neurological issues after issue and I witnessed my body began to close in on me and now, my body form is no longer the one I used to know, nor capable of putting out the work force I had just a short few years ago when I was a Manager with Starbucks Coffee Company and I so very much loved what it was I was employed to do for my company and most importantly of all, was the hard work we put into ensuring legendary service and product for our Legendary Customers. I was so close, so close I could smell the beans roasting in Seattle.
Then, everything changed.
Today, I carry this dizziness that feels as if it is resting in the forehead of my skull as it is very located right here in the front of my skull. I realize now that I could have in fact benefited from BOTOX injections in this area when I had procedure on 20 Feb. 2014. What can I do? I will do the best I can and push ahead while waiting for first of all our first procedure at Moffitt Cancer Center and then, the next BOTOX procedure come May with Dr. She-With-Many-Names. It is a scatter brained fog, an intoxicating brain fog, that has me feeling like a nut. I am stuttering my words and sometimes forgetting what it was I was doing two hours ago. My vision is malfunctioning and even with glasses on I strain to read and have noticed that I squint my left eye orb almost closed. But, do not know why and this just happens to be the eye that does not cry like my other eye. I am aware it is best that I slow the processes of my life down a degree or few as I am placing my wagon before the mules.
I know, I know it is best I remain as safe and as very aware of my boundaries and environment for my own sake and safety. My balance and equilibrium as well, off center, and really, having said that I knew when I woke earlier this morning, that today is a day to be walked with purpose and intention. I really don't want to fall or risk falling. I am home alone and I am a bit scared. For two consecutive nights I have double bashed my head on the rest room door that is in our large bed room. Night before was one incident of a dribble against the door. Last night was a dribble twice of my head bouncing against this wooden door and my thick skull.
My heart feels aflutter this morning. If someone were to ask me right at this moment, what procedures are you having come 17 April or earlier, I could not answer. I know that I will be put to rest and then a doctor will begin to do whatever he must do. I've met him, so I know I can say he. Again, I trust a doctor with my life. Again, my doctors are my leaders, they lead and I follow. By the way, I will get the name of this first procedure to be conducted at Moffitt. For you and I.
I believe I can run, I believe I can touch the Sun. I want to run like Mr. Gump, and run. And run.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Pain is a Disease. I Am In Pain. I Am Fully Insured. I'm In Pain.
Relations,
I share this with you and all who read these words. I am a Private Patient, I have two forms of insurance. I am not on Worker's Compensation nor am I suing any one or thing. I need help!
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
A human in pain is a person in pain. A person in pain is a human in pain. A Human in pain.
I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am in pain.
I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain. Can't You See? I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain.
So I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry myself to sleep. Or I cry and I cry and I cry myself awake.
I wonder, is this because I am not White? Do I have the wrong last name? Because I'm Mixed Breed.
These are my bones in damned pain, my neck, my scalp & skull and nerves & the what-not's.
From my neck up, the life altering pains affect facial, the area I can slide my finger tips into.
My shoulders and back, as in the shoulder blades and the sockets and I know what's flesh & bone.
The pain radiates and tortures me, and this pain has take joy from my life and this pain is me.
And I am the pain. And the pain is me. And I am the pain. And I am the pain. And I am.
I'm a human in pain. I'm a fellow Mother Earth Spirit in pain, I am a boy who wants his Mom.
God, what am I to do? God, what am I to do? Oh, My Dear God, what am I to do? My Dear God?
If I was Dr. John Johns, or Mr. Zach Johnston V, or Mr. Mayor, or Miss. Florida or Mr. Tampa. I know by experience that those are the Folks who get seen the quickest and are provided what ever the hell medication they ask for. No, and no please, don't even attempt to color up the poop. I have seen this with my own eyes and having had this very same thing happen to me. I am insured and very well insured at that. Let us do something now! To hell with the medicine! Oh My Lord?
If I was a dog, I would be receiving better treatment for this pain. I know this too, because I've seen it on the local and national news. The BBC and the PBS too. For Fucks Sake, my Team, all of you with Medical University education's know very damned well that PAIN CHANGES the EVERYTHING about a person or an animal. If not properly treated the Creature of God, will no doubt go mad.
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
Help me please. Help me please. I do not want to be mad. Help me please. Help me please.
Help me please?
I share this with you and all who read these words. I am a Private Patient, I have two forms of insurance. I am not on Worker's Compensation nor am I suing any one or thing. I need help!
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
A human in pain is a person in pain. A person in pain is a human in pain. A Human in pain.
I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am a simpleton in pain. I am in pain.
I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain. Can't You See? I am in pain. I am in pain. I am in pain.
So I cry and I cry and I cry and I cry myself to sleep. Or I cry and I cry and I cry myself awake.
I wonder, is this because I am not White? Do I have the wrong last name? Because I'm Mixed Breed.
These are my bones in damned pain, my neck, my scalp & skull and nerves & the what-not's.
From my neck up, the life altering pains affect facial, the area I can slide my finger tips into.
My shoulders and back, as in the shoulder blades and the sockets and I know what's flesh & bone.
The pain radiates and tortures me, and this pain has take joy from my life and this pain is me.
And I am the pain. And the pain is me. And I am the pain. And I am the pain. And I am.
I'm a human in pain. I'm a fellow Mother Earth Spirit in pain, I am a boy who wants his Mom.
God, what am I to do? God, what am I to do? Oh, My Dear God, what am I to do? My Dear God?
If I was Dr. John Johns, or Mr. Zach Johnston V, or Mr. Mayor, or Miss. Florida or Mr. Tampa. I know by experience that those are the Folks who get seen the quickest and are provided what ever the hell medication they ask for. No, and no please, don't even attempt to color up the poop. I have seen this with my own eyes and having had this very same thing happen to me. I am insured and very well insured at that. Let us do something now! To hell with the medicine! Oh My Lord?
If I was a dog, I would be receiving better treatment for this pain. I know this too, because I've seen it on the local and national news. The BBC and the PBS too. For Fucks Sake, my Team, all of you with Medical University education's know very damned well that PAIN CHANGES the EVERYTHING about a person or an animal. If not properly treated the Creature of God, will no doubt go mad.
Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain is a disease. Pain.
Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease. Pain is the disease.
Help me please. Help me please. I do not want to be mad. Help me please. Help me please.
Help me please?
Doctors, Professors, Surgeons, HELP ME PLEASE!
Dear Doctors, Dear Professors, Dear Surgeons, My Therapist,
Doctors, the all of you know me, and know me well. One thing we all know a bit too well is that I am too young to feel this damned old. I mean really, to be this damned old. Every and each day of our week - with each and every day of life, I have no doubt that at least one of you are aware and know full well that your patient, me, I am living a hellish pain every damned day of my life! I am in pain every hour of every day of my life. Night, morning or day, there's no matter.
With every one of you, I have spoken about your medications and you have spoken with me about the odds and ends of any certain medication. I don't play with emotions and I do not wish that I be placed in such a horrible nightmare sort of life. I have stated several times that I dread medications! I am terrified of some procedures and some peoples in this field, but I have never randomly "upped and asked" for such and such! Never! It has always been you to write the damned prescription's! I do not write them! You all are the Boss, I simply follow. I have not asked for a differential in a certain prescription, until today. I am in such a God Awful pain, this same pain that has been here as days long pain. Come the morrow, I'll make yet another call simply to follow up on my refill prescription from, She-With-Many-Names, has had me on since day one. .
I called last week about renewing my perspiration of the medication ordered for me presently. We talked in clinic about adjusting one certain medicine last week, the change made today, is different than last weeks. As long as you are comfortable with the change in order I am happy. It was a change. The original purpose of my call from last week was simply to get a renewed script and share the goings on at Moffitt. I was unable to share that with you Doctor. I wanted to celebrate with you and wanted to discuss my gathering over at Moffitt. While there, I met with your referral. And here we have plans - no medicine as of this point. Doctor's, I AM IN PAIN!
Haven't I talked with most of you about this pain that I can feel this PAIN in my skeleton - my very bones, I share with you. My muscles in my scalp and face, the space between my flesh and skeleton. I have made a comment more than twice to Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, about the times I wish I knew of someone who could remove this pain from my body - with their hands and fingers! Reach up and in here and massage my face muscles. Every God damned muscle in my neck - that's MY entire CERVICAL spine and massage each and every vertebrate of my back. I am sorry I took so long to follow through Sir. I am sorry.
Alright. Yes, I've listened to you, Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, so I know from experience that I/we are at a 'Maximum Capacity, point with the medication. I understand this and wish to thank you whole hearted for the steroid injection smack dab into my right ear just a couple of weeks ago or so. You keep your words, but you also you also keep pushing, which keeps me pushing and pushing. Oh, my Dear Right Good Doctor, you knew long ago that there were problems in store for me.
Your referral to Dr. She-With-Many-Names, my Neurologist Professor and her staff has been an awesome move. She keeps her words. Doctor, her Fellows, Nurses and staff are an exceptional bunch and all told, their combined years equal staff an extraordinary medical experience. Dr. She, has been proactive and has requested medications for me that have been denied by the government or we had an old insurance company deny it. Unfortunately, we have reached a medicinal maximum capacity here too. Though Dr. She-With-Many-Names, keeping her word, continues to manipulate dosage and considers different routes for me to take. Trying and searching, there's simply nothing more she can do for me at this time. Dr. D., (I am sorry I took so long to follow through on that referral. Sir. I am sorry), but I am so aware that Doctor has plans.
My therapist has been here with me from way back when. He and I speak of the pains from my body and the pains in my spirit's. We speak of the Meniere's Disease, we speak of being Deaf on one side of my skull. Thank you Sir Dude, you have been one hell of an impression upon me. Thanks!
My Dearest Doctor's and your wonderful teams, my Dearest She-With-Many-Names and her staff and team that work like a team at the Daytona 500. To each and every doctor who has ever cut, snipped, sawed, or drilled my body, I say God Bless you and your hands and wisdom. I am humbled and am thankful but am intimidated too. To all of the wonderful Nurses working as Doctor's, thank you, to the fellows who are practicing while completing their education, and them least thanked, thanks to each and every nurse...
... with each word I just explained and shared I wish to say this to each and every team mate of my Better Health Care Team, I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN! I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN @ MULTIPLE PLACES - MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY AND NIGHT!
YOU ALL ARE MY DOCTORS! I AM SUFFERING! EVERY DAMNED DAY OF MY LIFE! I FEEL THINGS GETTING OUT OF HAND IN MY BODY AND SPIRIT"S! HOW CAN WE LET ANY HUMAN BE IN THIS MUCH PAIN AND NOT DO SOMETHING? EVERYDAY DOCTORS I NEED HELP! MY DEAR DOCTORS, I AM IN MISERABLE PAIN AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Help me, please. Please, help me?
P.S. I trust you each and every one with my very life.
Doctors, the all of you know me, and know me well. One thing we all know a bit too well is that I am too young to feel this damned old. I mean really, to be this damned old. Every and each day of our week - with each and every day of life, I have no doubt that at least one of you are aware and know full well that your patient, me, I am living a hellish pain every damned day of my life! I am in pain every hour of every day of my life. Night, morning or day, there's no matter.
With every one of you, I have spoken about your medications and you have spoken with me about the odds and ends of any certain medication. I don't play with emotions and I do not wish that I be placed in such a horrible nightmare sort of life. I have stated several times that I dread medications! I am terrified of some procedures and some peoples in this field, but I have never randomly "upped and asked" for such and such! Never! It has always been you to write the damned prescription's! I do not write them! You all are the Boss, I simply follow. I have not asked for a differential in a certain prescription, until today. I am in such a God Awful pain, this same pain that has been here as days long pain. Come the morrow, I'll make yet another call simply to follow up on my refill prescription from, She-With-Many-Names, has had me on since day one. .
I called last week about renewing my perspiration of the medication ordered for me presently. We talked in clinic about adjusting one certain medicine last week, the change made today, is different than last weeks. As long as you are comfortable with the change in order I am happy. It was a change. The original purpose of my call from last week was simply to get a renewed script and share the goings on at Moffitt. I was unable to share that with you Doctor. I wanted to celebrate with you and wanted to discuss my gathering over at Moffitt. While there, I met with your referral. And here we have plans - no medicine as of this point. Doctor's, I AM IN PAIN!
Haven't I talked with most of you about this pain that I can feel this PAIN in my skeleton - my very bones, I share with you. My muscles in my scalp and face, the space between my flesh and skeleton. I have made a comment more than twice to Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, about the times I wish I knew of someone who could remove this pain from my body - with their hands and fingers! Reach up and in here and massage my face muscles. Every God damned muscle in my neck - that's MY entire CERVICAL spine and massage each and every vertebrate of my back. I am sorry I took so long to follow through Sir. I am sorry.
Alright. Yes, I've listened to you, Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, so I know from experience that I/we are at a 'Maximum Capacity, point with the medication. I understand this and wish to thank you whole hearted for the steroid injection smack dab into my right ear just a couple of weeks ago or so. You keep your words, but you also you also keep pushing, which keeps me pushing and pushing. Oh, my Dear Right Good Doctor, you knew long ago that there were problems in store for me.
Your referral to Dr. She-With-Many-Names, my Neurologist Professor and her staff has been an awesome move. She keeps her words. Doctor, her Fellows, Nurses and staff are an exceptional bunch and all told, their combined years equal staff an extraordinary medical experience. Dr. She, has been proactive and has requested medications for me that have been denied by the government or we had an old insurance company deny it. Unfortunately, we have reached a medicinal maximum capacity here too. Though Dr. She-With-Many-Names, keeping her word, continues to manipulate dosage and considers different routes for me to take. Trying and searching, there's simply nothing more she can do for me at this time. Dr. D., (I am sorry I took so long to follow through on that referral. Sir. I am sorry), but I am so aware that Doctor has plans.
My therapist has been here with me from way back when. He and I speak of the pains from my body and the pains in my spirit's. We speak of the Meniere's Disease, we speak of being Deaf on one side of my skull. Thank you Sir Dude, you have been one hell of an impression upon me. Thanks!
My Dearest Doctor's and your wonderful teams, my Dearest She-With-Many-Names and her staff and team that work like a team at the Daytona 500. To each and every doctor who has ever cut, snipped, sawed, or drilled my body, I say God Bless you and your hands and wisdom. I am humbled and am thankful but am intimidated too. To all of the wonderful Nurses working as Doctor's, thank you, to the fellows who are practicing while completing their education, and them least thanked, thanks to each and every nurse...
... with each word I just explained and shared I wish to say this to each and every team mate of my Better Health Care Team, I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN! I AM IN SUCH MISERABLE PAIN @ MULTIPLE PLACES - MULTIPLE TIMES A DAY AND NIGHT!
YOU ALL ARE MY DOCTORS! I AM SUFFERING! EVERY DAMNED DAY OF MY LIFE! I FEEL THINGS GETTING OUT OF HAND IN MY BODY AND SPIRIT"S! HOW CAN WE LET ANY HUMAN BE IN THIS MUCH PAIN AND NOT DO SOMETHING? EVERYDAY DOCTORS I NEED HELP! MY DEAR DOCTORS, I AM IN MISERABLE PAIN AT THIS VERY MOMENT!
Help me, please. Please, help me?
P.S. I trust you each and every one with my very life.
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