Relations,
What I am about to share is pertinent to what my plans have been over the past couple of years. I am not the type of team mate to bail on his mates, neither am I the mate who will play or hamper a teams direction. For me it has always been, "always", been the team is paramount. I have often sacrificed self for my teams and honestly, would like to think that some of my peers, partner's, and customers would agree with that comment.
Reality slapped me today, and I mean to say slapped me square in my face with an opened hand. Just minutes ago, and still fresh, this disgusting moment of utter truth and reality, let me see into my not too distant future. This event was so stark and so full of clarity that I was able to see clearly and was able to see myself in the present and now. I mean, as in now. Today.
Over these recent few years I have had to consider how I have lived and how important for me it is to be responsible with my own work ethics. I would pass along what I have learned as a leader to the many wonderful and awesome Men and Women, I have worked with. Every team reflecting the diversity that was of high import for me and my way of life. And I worked hard, real hard. As an individual, I knew I was to be a servant and a leader, of and for the people in my Life's Circle and community. It has been my life style, you see, my life, to work. And work hard.
These words I am about to talk, do not denote a retreat from life or from all of what my Team's and I have been attending to. We as a Team have worked hard together, we have been focused and attentive. This is where my motivations, my yearnings and criteria have been established. Our focus as a Team created much hope. Now, I hope you understand that I need to be more focused on this skin I live in. At this instant, I am dizzy. I have vomited four times since last night and the nausea is at my Adam's apple. I am sweating in an air conditioned residence and have decided a shirt not necessary. The sounds and noises from both ears are horrendous. So damned loud and distracting. I've had the spiders scurrying through the space between my scalp and skull and an occasional worm will wiggle. There have been three facial spams today and several deep inner ear spams that stop my world. Both of my physician's have been called, and I am contemplating calling my Internist. I am suffering. I mean to say, a suffering so bad and the pain is harsh, that I ate a medicine for this torturous pain in my neck, shoulder and arm. A tablet ordered for a different part of my body. These words denote anguish.
This life event, this slap by reality, was so hurtful and deep, that I I knew it required an immediate professional connection, so I called my therapist, Sir. Dude. I look at the mirror and I see the reality of what Meniere's Disease IS and DOES, what Meniere's has DONE and is DOING to me. I know harshly that what is going on in my cervical spine will sometime soon be a different part of my body to be sliced and diced. My body's cervical spine, my neck, the place where my spinal cord lives, all requires attention that is much more complicated than the dozens of Botox injections, the nerve blocks and a muscle relaxant pill can handle.
When my life has gotten to the point that I am thrilled to a euphoric giddiness over a couple of good and "strong days", as I call them, then this point needs to be addressed. Human to human.
Understand me and please don't judge.
To my Team Mates, who have worked side-by-side with a prep for employment, I do not want to say I'm sorry, but ask, that you please forgive me. We have worked well together and God knows, I have tried. Working on matter's of my Better Health, Mind, Body, and Spirit, is and has always been something I take seriously and with passion. This is a life energy that I hold dear and near to my Center. This life energy, has provided me insight and understanding. I see and have seen what and where I am in life with my health and where I am headed. My Health, must come first.
Please, my guest, imagine this: I am employed at Florida Historical Museum. My name is on the schedule to work. On days like today, I must call and am asking myself how am I to work in this constant state of dizziness? This damned vomiting and I can't hold a conversation without tripping on my words because of the nausea. Speaking of tripping, what about the many times that I have tripped and have fallen. The many times that I have yet to trip and fall. My hearing is off, no really, the right ear is getting worse with the hearing. Or, I call to report that I have had a Meniere's Attack, and I am unable to work until days and days have past until I can report for work when I have a day or two of good and strong day's. Or, I am at work at the museum and I suddenly have projectile vomit and spew all over a customer or a ten thousand dollar piece of antiquity. These words don't come so easily, but I would be setting myself up for failure. I know this. I would get hired to get fired for poor attendance. Or, I'm asked to stop working because I am a liability. Or, I fall again, and hurt myself again, like at Starbucks, while I was at work trying to work while disabled. So, I know and understand by experience what this looks like. I tried and attempted to return to work with my last employer three different times before it was deemed best that I just not work anymore.
My life and this, my path, have brought me to this place where I must take care of myself. To a place where I am permitted to feel sure and safe to know that my withdrawal from the pursuit's of employment at this time, is a decision that simply is the right and best decision to make. There is a flame within my body that shares and tells me that it is just not right to continue with these scattering's of fear and uncertainty. This Meniere's, the imbalance, dizziness, nausea, the deafness, the all of what is Meniere's, for now has the upper hand. For now. I swear, I just don't want to waste anymore of any body's time. My time, is in the present. I know what I say and I accept my disabilities and the urgency of focus on health, mind, body and Spirit. I ask that you too accept my decision. Please.
These elevator rides of Meniere's Disease and it's symptoms, are a constant and with ambush - random attacks, I am unable to trust this disease with my own mind and body. Now, with my cervical spine becoming such an issue, I must be honest with myself and say enough is enough for now. For now, there is just so much going on with my health. So please, no more meetings. No more getting my hopes so high and way up - just to be smashed a day or two later by a fucking disease that I can not control. That my doctor's can't control.
So for now, I admit I am afraid of failure, time and time again. Please, no more wishing and hoping and wishing that a disease embedded would evacuate.
So, for now, no more. Please.
Time out.
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