Today I made sure to get to threpy. Am knowing I needed to see Sir Dude face-to-face. I shed tears of sadness in one of my rare safe places here on Earth Mother. Knowing this as it has been done so lately. Crying. Very mostly secretly and often at night when all are asleep. (I have grown ashamed to cry). So have let Sir Dude know I was going back on the pill. I await now for a return call from Dr. N., giving me the thumbs up on the resumption of eating the anti-sad, thorny little pill. This is not a proud thing for me you all! I really did think I could bust this depression up myself...oh well, what can I do? I'm alive. and suppose I'll be back to my pill induced-self in 48 or such hours. Give a day or two. I don't know. Earth calling Dr. N. - Earth calling Dr. N.....
It was a task for me to get up for my appointment this morning. To perspire while getting a couple of t-shirts and Bermudas on is beyond my comprehension. I have slept a huge percentage of time since Sunday afternoon and actually, do plan on returning as soon possible...
...my entire body aches and is pained. Even my ankles hurt. Am exhausted beyond description and am dealing with nausea and the dizziness. My balance and coordination are taxed. Yes, I have medicated as ordered by my doctors. Have been sweating off and on all day...think it would be best for me to be in bed at this very moment. Will be there soon I tell myself - while at the same time telling myself to push myself...push the evelope...ride that dang pony!
The hearing in my right ear continues to fluctuate between not-so-good and shit poor. This same ear continues to plop too...as in plopping. It gets a full sensation, then ploops. Have been with the constant whooshing of storm winds and cicadas big as cats living in my right ear. Oh, these noises puzzle the whole of me! How can one who is Single Side Deaf and Hard of Hearing, hear so damn much, yet hear so little? Sometimes nothing at all. I would love to explain this. My God.
The Voices have returned in quantity...and quality
ONE of the MAJOR issues in my life at this time is the continuation of family and friends who belittle me, mock me, show no care or the slightest support. Not offer even an ear with which to speak. Have figured I'ld have worked my way through this by now, but I SWEAR, not even my bleeding own KINFOLK read this blog. No. NONE! Not the wife or my own children. Neither mine aunts, uncles, cousins or those I have considered friends for years. When I mention friends, I mean friends...not them one would not expect shit from. But, really? Relations? It's a hurtful thing for me as I truly see this blog as a means of communications and connections...seems to me Relations would be interested in what it is like to have a member of your own family with these issues. Losing the hearing WE all take so much for granted.
This is what I get for continuing to believe blood is thicker than water...
...it's a disgusting spot for one to be in.
Am on self-imposed time out.
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