Wednesday, November 13, 2013
I Share This From My Spirit's
I was plagued by ear spams in both ears today, mostly the left but there were several spasms in my right ear hole to the brain. Having mentioned the right ear I would like to say that hearing with this ear has become so distracting that there are times that I prefer silence of a quiet home because I am being kept active enough listening to the sounds and noises that are generated from within this precious skull of mine. There is no combating or medicating nothing I can do about these sounds, many of which originates in my left deaf ear. When having conversation with another it is absolutely necessary to have my face to the speakers face. I have reminded Kin Folk and them in my circle time and time again that I am deaf and hard of hearing. Yes, I said Kin Folk. Still. It's like, well, what the hell, I've only been single side deaf since 2009., and have the unfortunate business of losing hearing in the right at an alarming rate of time. As is my sight. I have been wearing glasses for many years and have really never noticed such a drastic loss in such a brief period of time. I have this gut feeling that Meniere's plays a roll in this though I do not know by fact. When mentioning this to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, he ordered me to see an eye doctor, well, good God doc., I had figured as much, but does this have something to do with this case of Meniere's Disease? Perhaps a bit of reading on my part may have a calming affect in the brains. Well, shit yes I tend to stress a bit, just might be stress that will get me my one way ticket home to be with Jesus, my Saint Mary, Mom, Dad, Abuela Mary, Grandpa Roy and get to meet my Cherokee grandmother Flossi. What an honor this will be. But anyways, didn't mean to have that passing over thing slip into the conversation, but America, there's no stress or concern here on dieing. Today has been an extraordinarily good day to die, but, I didn't. Here I am and I am okay with this too. I love my life, I love my wife, my daughters and our hounds. I love this Mixed Blood that I have flow threw these veins of mine. These arteries and vessels by which my blood gets from here to back here. I look forward to the remainder of my days here on Earth Mother. These changes taking place within my life and circle are changes that are not totally unfamiliar, it is Botswana's and my job to get back on the right foot and do the things we must to protect our home and future here at our lodge and sanctuary. Home. I don't like it when I have a White person talk to me about my house or my financial affairs. Oh yes, one more thing that I do not accept or tolerate is folks "telling" me what to do. That is an instant turn off and could jeopardize what ever relationship we may have. I bet I don't go around and about on my path telling folks what to do in their lives. Please, to hell with that waste! Let me stop. That's just not a good scene. Today, I rested from what I acknowledge were post attack symptoms of Meniere's though I slept little, which for me is victory. I tried to read, but the noises and peculiar issues with sight caused uncomfortable sensations in my head and stomach. I did make contact on social media with folks I enjoy communicating with, I swear it gets so lonely here when it is me and the hounds. We make it through the day - the pack in the preserve. The silence I spoke of earlier is a double edged sword, I tell you this from my heart, maybe I am ready to have less of all of this noise and racket of this environment I live in. I love music and am enjoying some Verve Remix as I chat, there's just to many voices and energy I am tired of listening to. My right ear works when and as it wishes. (Bil, I await your return call) I continue to have mornings when I must wait for my right ear to become a hearing ear, as if the functionality of the ear was affected by sleep. There are majority of times when the hearing is shit poor and I just go along as I have learned to do - other times I am able to pick out an instrument in a song that I never noticed before. Yes, odd, but what the hell am I to do. Live with it is what I say, just like the damned ear spasms and facial spasms. The sounds and noises and noises and sounds wreck havoc in my life every moment of everyday of my awake life. Pains in my neck, shoulders, and arms are near a 9. Maybe an 8.5, time. Yes, I have taken my PM medications. There have even been events when I have been stirred by the sounds and noises in the night. My ears. Today, the dizziness and awkwardness has made for unsteady steps and walking about. Thank God, I wear shoes in house because I would have broken every toe by now. No joke. I had a dreadful stumble and near fall, earlier this evening, embarrassingly right in front of my dearest Brazil. My Earth Mate! I love your voice darling! I will be visiting with my therapist Sir Dude, come the afternoon tomorrow. It is a good thing. Also tomorrow, I shall schedule MRI's with a diagnostic center that won't lie or deceit me. It is necessary that I release from my services two company's. One, this diagnostic center here in town that I have been a consumer of for many years for misleading me. One other that I am not prepared to speak of at this moment. Negative energy is bad medicine, lieing to patients is bad medicine, so it is time to move on. All of this, I share from my Spirit's.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
And Then November Happened
Moving along this path of mine with a steady attitude and fair rate of speed. I am unable to get out and about as near as I would like to, or no way near as much as I would intend to, but it's my purpose to keep my chip up and move along with business in hand. I follow orders given by my doctor's, professor, and therapist with as much motivation as I might muster. I keep my Kin Folk and Kindred, in mind and heart. Them "well intendeds" who wish my well, I keep them in mind the best as I can too.
Sometimes I remember to keep me in mind. No, honestly I do.
The past forty-eight hours have had me sleep more than being awake and productive. Beginning Sunday, and then again yesterday I had to Meneire's Disease attacks, the time of duration of both attacks were between 30 and forty five minutes. The symptoms of nausea, which has been productive and omni present. The perpetual state of dizziness, sweating, perspiring, and misting, has made for uncomfortable times. Even in my sleep. And speaking of which, the sleeping has lasted up until late afternoon today at approximately 1700, when I was able to stir and remove myself from my safe place. Walking has been not so good with several stumbles, bumps in to, bashing my head on the wall in the bath room twice. From an out of body point of view, I think my balance has become problematic. Something I am doing to in my sense, attack this issue is to work harder to become a healthier target when my body hits the Earth. It has happened, it happens, and it will happen again, so I have taught myself my own form of Yoga and Tai Chi for an imbalanced fellow. In this case, the wall is an Allie. I have also re-introduced light weights to a regimen that covers my hands, fore arms, upper arms and shoulders. I have found this very beneficial with the combat verses the fucked up pains in the same areas. I really don't know though if what I am doing is a good thing. I believe I have been owned by the pain. Too damned much pain for too damned long. It may seem like I attempt to combat pain with pain, I do not. This is a therapy that I know in my muscles and bones that must be lived as a way of life. The time spent between March and the present, represents many long weeks and months of total inactivity. Depression. Neurological Pain. Cervical Spine Pain. Meniere's Disease. The exacerbation's of Asthma.
Now, November has gone and happened. I'm feeling myself waking up in a Holistic sense. I actually feel myself making a turn in my psyche's. My attitude and commitment to self and family. Negative is as negative does. Seen. I have had too much more than I wish to have ever endured and am prepared to say and or do whatever it is I have to. There is not any other's out here standing up for me. Shit. I see it too damned often. It is amazing that I have only just recently understood in my heart and spirit's that it is not necessary for me to have negative influences, people's, and or energies in or near my life. Yes, and oh yes, I have dealt with these issues in the past, and have established boundaries before. Let us just agree to say that I have come to my damned senses. I have taken measured steps and have secured myself to make and enforce the past made boundaries are here to protect my path and the direction I am directed. Sadly. it has been necessary for me to create such boundaries. It is my responsibility to ensure there are sure, secured, and thick boundary's between these energy's. Really, this is what all this comes down to. No right or no wrong. Quite simply, there are just too many negative influences in and around my Circle of Circle's. For my Freedom. For my peace of mind. It is right to close a few chapters in the path called life recently. Reckon issues are to be resolved and then time to move along.
Sometimes I remember to keep me in mind. No, honestly I do.
The past forty-eight hours have had me sleep more than being awake and productive. Beginning Sunday, and then again yesterday I had to Meneire's Disease attacks, the time of duration of both attacks were between 30 and forty five minutes. The symptoms of nausea, which has been productive and omni present. The perpetual state of dizziness, sweating, perspiring, and misting, has made for uncomfortable times. Even in my sleep. And speaking of which, the sleeping has lasted up until late afternoon today at approximately 1700, when I was able to stir and remove myself from my safe place. Walking has been not so good with several stumbles, bumps in to, bashing my head on the wall in the bath room twice. From an out of body point of view, I think my balance has become problematic. Something I am doing to in my sense, attack this issue is to work harder to become a healthier target when my body hits the Earth. It has happened, it happens, and it will happen again, so I have taught myself my own form of Yoga and Tai Chi for an imbalanced fellow. In this case, the wall is an Allie. I have also re-introduced light weights to a regimen that covers my hands, fore arms, upper arms and shoulders. I have found this very beneficial with the combat verses the fucked up pains in the same areas. I really don't know though if what I am doing is a good thing. I believe I have been owned by the pain. Too damned much pain for too damned long. It may seem like I attempt to combat pain with pain, I do not. This is a therapy that I know in my muscles and bones that must be lived as a way of life. The time spent between March and the present, represents many long weeks and months of total inactivity. Depression. Neurological Pain. Cervical Spine Pain. Meniere's Disease. The exacerbation's of Asthma.
Now, November has gone and happened. I'm feeling myself waking up in a Holistic sense. I actually feel myself making a turn in my psyche's. My attitude and commitment to self and family. Negative is as negative does. Seen. I have had too much more than I wish to have ever endured and am prepared to say and or do whatever it is I have to. There is not any other's out here standing up for me. Shit. I see it too damned often. It is amazing that I have only just recently understood in my heart and spirit's that it is not necessary for me to have negative influences, people's, and or energies in or near my life. Yes, and oh yes, I have dealt with these issues in the past, and have established boundaries before. Let us just agree to say that I have come to my damned senses. I have taken measured steps and have secured myself to make and enforce the past made boundaries are here to protect my path and the direction I am directed. Sadly. it has been necessary for me to create such boundaries. It is my responsibility to ensure there are sure, secured, and thick boundary's between these energy's. Really, this is what all this comes down to. No right or no wrong. Quite simply, there are just too many negative influences in and around my Circle of Circle's. For my Freedom. For my peace of mind. It is right to close a few chapters in the path called life recently. Reckon issues are to be resolved and then time to move along.
Saturday, November 9, 2013
Changes
Kindred Spirits,
Before I should jump into today's subject matter and concerns, I pray for my Brothers and Sisters in the Philippine's, and all fellow Earth Folk throughout the Pacific. I have had ceremony, have contemplated and have prayed for each and all who are being affected in any way by this catastrophic super cyclone. I listen to what the press and news reports say, I'm afraid these numbers reported of Human loss is being under presented, the latest reports approximately one thousand dead. This is not what needs to be represented, the numbers of them who have perished are horrifying. I prey, Great Spirit, bless the children and the elders, those who have died and all who have survived. My God, this is not only a Philippine or South Pacific catastrophic event, it's a catastrophic world event.
Great One, please bless Kin Folk who live abroad and have no means to contact or connect with their family and friends back home. My imagination has had a freeze frame and does not permit me to contemplate much deeper the events that have taken place, how this has changed the life of millions of people. It is necessary for me to let loose of the holding on to this in my center. As a human there isn't much I am able to do, but pray. What I find myself in the position of doing is finding certainty in that these tragic changes and events are being taken care of and managed by God. I continue to pray for my brothers and sisters in Syria. Her peoples do not deserve the injustice of our World permitting Genocides in Syria. It is sickening to my Spirit's and I, and as a 'modern day people's', it sickens me to a point of nausea and depression to see we ALL sit by to permit yet another Genocide of a Peoples. Please God, Bless Syria!
It is time and way past due to do something about this modern day Genocide. Do we not remember the Genocide's of the Jew's? The Polish and Russian People's? Serbian and Croatian Genocide. Rwanda's, and the very modern day Genocide of my fellow Americans, Black and Brown, and Native American People's.
Let me share some changes taking place here in this country. There has been changes that has been a slow and tedious process. The way and means to combat this situation, 'white rule', which has been something that has haunted our American soil from the introduction of White peoples. What is taking place in the U.S.A., today, is that we, our country's, "All People's of Colour", are silently putting ourselves in the position to take over this bull shit white government and nation. Let me share something else real quick - soon, and I mean, perhaps as soon as mid century, the "people for the people's" of our country, will be in place to over come the power and authority of a White owned and operated government and country. Changes? Changes.
God Bless America! God Bless the Philippians's! God Bless Syria!
Before I should jump into today's subject matter and concerns, I pray for my Brothers and Sisters in the Philippine's, and all fellow Earth Folk throughout the Pacific. I have had ceremony, have contemplated and have prayed for each and all who are being affected in any way by this catastrophic super cyclone. I listen to what the press and news reports say, I'm afraid these numbers reported of Human loss is being under presented, the latest reports approximately one thousand dead. This is not what needs to be represented, the numbers of them who have perished are horrifying. I prey, Great Spirit, bless the children and the elders, those who have died and all who have survived. My God, this is not only a Philippine or South Pacific catastrophic event, it's a catastrophic world event.
Great One, please bless Kin Folk who live abroad and have no means to contact or connect with their family and friends back home. My imagination has had a freeze frame and does not permit me to contemplate much deeper the events that have taken place, how this has changed the life of millions of people. It is necessary for me to let loose of the holding on to this in my center. As a human there isn't much I am able to do, but pray. What I find myself in the position of doing is finding certainty in that these tragic changes and events are being taken care of and managed by God. I continue to pray for my brothers and sisters in Syria. Her peoples do not deserve the injustice of our World permitting Genocides in Syria. It is sickening to my Spirit's and I, and as a 'modern day people's', it sickens me to a point of nausea and depression to see we ALL sit by to permit yet another Genocide of a Peoples. Please God, Bless Syria!
It is time and way past due to do something about this modern day Genocide. Do we not remember the Genocide's of the Jew's? The Polish and Russian People's? Serbian and Croatian Genocide. Rwanda's, and the very modern day Genocide of my fellow Americans, Black and Brown, and Native American People's.
Let me share some changes taking place here in this country. There has been changes that has been a slow and tedious process. The way and means to combat this situation, 'white rule', which has been something that has haunted our American soil from the introduction of White peoples. What is taking place in the U.S.A., today, is that we, our country's, "All People's of Colour", are silently putting ourselves in the position to take over this bull shit white government and nation. Let me share something else real quick - soon, and I mean, perhaps as soon as mid century, the "people for the people's" of our country, will be in place to over come the power and authority of a White owned and operated government and country. Changes? Changes.
God Bless America! God Bless the Philippians's! God Bless Syria!
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part Three
My dearest Kindred,
With this posting, I bring Chapter Three and a prayerful close to what has been some very deeply embarrassing times for me in life. As I mentioned to my therapist recently, I have begun to look at life around me in a wider than wide screen reality of what my life has been since March 2013. Today, 8 October, there remains ill side affects that I will focus on or not until I am clear about these damned deep and embarrassing times I've been in.
So now, today, I stop this naked spiral, cease travels down paths that were quite often uncomfortable and at times intimidating. There were true and legitimate forces that steered me from my Path and the attentions that are required for life during this present and near future. I am to resume the Path Great Spirit has intended for me to travel. What has been going on over these past few months has required a perseverance, best summed up by my deepest desires and yearning to maintain focus on my path, even when at my lowest points with respect to my mental, emotional and physical issues, I walked. My health has been issues revolving around issues, and all has brought many complications in my day to day life. This blog was created based on the concept and determination to inform other's of what Meniere's Disease has done to me, what these symptoms are doing and have done to my life. My spouses life, my daughters and all Kin Folk and Kindred's lives. Them who have become team mates, working and tasking along side me verses the multiple diseases that trouble this body of mine, including yet another whole team for me with the Neurological issues and implications.
All of my Team's of Dozens of good, kind and right Folks. Each one of them have gone to bat for me, time and time again, I am blessed. I know this. I'd be a damned fool if I didn't know the difference, and speaking of which I have taken steps and measures to remove myself from them with not-same-business-plan as I. Their agenda is not a part of what I have been doing for so many years, and quite simply, that's to keep focus, work my program, and do what doctors say do. My life and my health are in God's hands first, as he guides the doctors and I through what we're facing over the next couple of months or so.
Folks, let me share I am able to remember precisely to the date and time when forward motion of my hearts plans and dreams were dashed. I remember the weather outside of offices that day, I remember where Mr. Bus Driver left me off at the incorrect entrance. That day when I was disrupted and became a man interrupted. Not only was it that my health's present and future's status is unsatisfactory, I have the harsh perception that I had been betrayed. I feel betrayed by an entrusted fellow human spirit. One I felt a special bond and Kindred with. Through the first quarter of our year 2013, I worked with diligence when communicating and talking openly. My life was, as it was early in life. The horror forced upon me in my early days in life were so unkind to me and the child I was. With the process I was working with others I opened up an entire fucking life time with folks. The nightmares, panic attacks and high anxiety. Disgusting smell memories returned compounding due in part to what I was or was not attending to during open and raw discussions. Body memories that go against the grain for where I am striving to be. This is the path for the life I am to live day to day. A life where I am ruled by health issues. Doctors appointments, implants, surgeries and operations. Botox injections, medications, hearing aids, vomiting, falling.
Betrayal is betrayal. No matter how one words it. Seen.
Since March 2013, I have permitted myself to walk in the shoes of a victim. I have walked these past months in deep shame and embarrassment's. I am and I am a solitary simple man, who time and time after time permits some one, or somebody, or some folks, to gain my entire trust. With the way things were said or spoken, I honestly feel my trust was betrayed. Another experience of violation, and in my mind, I provided this betrayal of trust to thrust me into a deep dark ravine. My life's motivation's were dealt a harsh blow and major set backs were precipitated back that day. I was placed in a position to mourn and mourning I did and have. On that day, thing's were said and thought of, that changed my mind and my heart's direction. What I experienced that afternoon was an unreal experience and I am still emotionally affected by the realizations of my gross position with Meniere's Disease, the vertigo attacks and all that comes with this twenty four hours-a-day life affecting health issue. The neurological scenario is more than I wish to speak of at the moment.
I could be the last Unicorn, poop gold bricks and Folks still would not hire me. I am a financial drain on any company as a new hire. The reading is on every wall I come across and I have been able to shake a bit of it off here and there, but please, these pictures on slide show in my mind is what I can't explain. I don't read my material's or utterances written in my journals. I don't make habit of going back to read a previous communique here on the blog. The truth, is the truth. I have never thought of debating what was written - neither is there anything I would say or do differently. I felt safe and sure that afternoon, so comfortable, and in trust with right, good folks sitting with me. Folks, doing their job's. My words, as the disease's in my body betrays me. Daily. Even with the kind, loving and helpful words of my Advocate, my therapist, and my dear Counselor, I am down hearted by the reality that my eyes were opened, and I saw my life pass before me.
The disgusting processes of Meniere's Disease often place me in positions to speak and talk with professional after professionals, and doctor upon doctor. The entirety and extraordinary position I find myself in - is all so damned stressful and frustrating, that I do not know how many times I have read and prayed just to settle down a minute. I have talked about my lives, my life beginning as early as I can remember. As I speak here, I speak with an open heart. Please, my Team, understand what it is I am doing. I am finally grabbing that tiger by the tail and placing 'all hands on deck' with respects to where I am in life and health. With more ill health in hand and in store there is a need for that much more attention on self and body. Please, understand. It has been with local government, businesses, and organizations, that have provided me with great hopes and huge anticipations of some day having a brighter future. Sooner than later, I pray. My Good God! It is with these Folks, I have felt very comfortable with, and they felt comfortable with me. These individuals were folks, I believe were establishing relationships with me while doing their jobs. There were a few wonderful gatherings, chats face to face, and conversations over the telephone.
To all of my therapists and counselor's, I say thank you, to all of my psychologists and psychiatrists, I thank you all for your hard work and dedication. It is with your hard work and our Kindred Spirit's in mind, that it is now I must close this chapter in my life and move along.
Please, no ill feelings towards me. Having said all I have shared in these three chapters lets me say whole hearted thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all too.
I have stopped mourning and am absolutely okay with saying that words spoken from my own mouth dictates where I take this self betrayal. I've got to keep on keeping on, so I toughen my skin a bit, pick up my marbles and take the way my path takes me. Someplace better than here. Seen.
With this posting, I bring Chapter Three and a prayerful close to what has been some very deeply embarrassing times for me in life. As I mentioned to my therapist recently, I have begun to look at life around me in a wider than wide screen reality of what my life has been since March 2013. Today, 8 October, there remains ill side affects that I will focus on or not until I am clear about these damned deep and embarrassing times I've been in.
So now, today, I stop this naked spiral, cease travels down paths that were quite often uncomfortable and at times intimidating. There were true and legitimate forces that steered me from my Path and the attentions that are required for life during this present and near future. I am to resume the Path Great Spirit has intended for me to travel. What has been going on over these past few months has required a perseverance, best summed up by my deepest desires and yearning to maintain focus on my path, even when at my lowest points with respect to my mental, emotional and physical issues, I walked. My health has been issues revolving around issues, and all has brought many complications in my day to day life. This blog was created based on the concept and determination to inform other's of what Meniere's Disease has done to me, what these symptoms are doing and have done to my life. My spouses life, my daughters and all Kin Folk and Kindred's lives. Them who have become team mates, working and tasking along side me verses the multiple diseases that trouble this body of mine, including yet another whole team for me with the Neurological issues and implications.
All of my Team's of Dozens of good, kind and right Folks. Each one of them have gone to bat for me, time and time again, I am blessed. I know this. I'd be a damned fool if I didn't know the difference, and speaking of which I have taken steps and measures to remove myself from them with not-same-business-plan as I. Their agenda is not a part of what I have been doing for so many years, and quite simply, that's to keep focus, work my program, and do what doctors say do. My life and my health are in God's hands first, as he guides the doctors and I through what we're facing over the next couple of months or so.
Folks, let me share I am able to remember precisely to the date and time when forward motion of my hearts plans and dreams were dashed. I remember the weather outside of offices that day, I remember where Mr. Bus Driver left me off at the incorrect entrance. That day when I was disrupted and became a man interrupted. Not only was it that my health's present and future's status is unsatisfactory, I have the harsh perception that I had been betrayed. I feel betrayed by an entrusted fellow human spirit. One I felt a special bond and Kindred with. Through the first quarter of our year 2013, I worked with diligence when communicating and talking openly. My life was, as it was early in life. The horror forced upon me in my early days in life were so unkind to me and the child I was. With the process I was working with others I opened up an entire fucking life time with folks. The nightmares, panic attacks and high anxiety. Disgusting smell memories returned compounding due in part to what I was or was not attending to during open and raw discussions. Body memories that go against the grain for where I am striving to be. This is the path for the life I am to live day to day. A life where I am ruled by health issues. Doctors appointments, implants, surgeries and operations. Botox injections, medications, hearing aids, vomiting, falling.
Betrayal is betrayal. No matter how one words it. Seen.
Since March 2013, I have permitted myself to walk in the shoes of a victim. I have walked these past months in deep shame and embarrassment's. I am and I am a solitary simple man, who time and time after time permits some one, or somebody, or some folks, to gain my entire trust. With the way things were said or spoken, I honestly feel my trust was betrayed. Another experience of violation, and in my mind, I provided this betrayal of trust to thrust me into a deep dark ravine. My life's motivation's were dealt a harsh blow and major set backs were precipitated back that day. I was placed in a position to mourn and mourning I did and have. On that day, thing's were said and thought of, that changed my mind and my heart's direction. What I experienced that afternoon was an unreal experience and I am still emotionally affected by the realizations of my gross position with Meniere's Disease, the vertigo attacks and all that comes with this twenty four hours-a-day life affecting health issue. The neurological scenario is more than I wish to speak of at the moment.
I could be the last Unicorn, poop gold bricks and Folks still would not hire me. I am a financial drain on any company as a new hire. The reading is on every wall I come across and I have been able to shake a bit of it off here and there, but please, these pictures on slide show in my mind is what I can't explain. I don't read my material's or utterances written in my journals. I don't make habit of going back to read a previous communique here on the blog. The truth, is the truth. I have never thought of debating what was written - neither is there anything I would say or do differently. I felt safe and sure that afternoon, so comfortable, and in trust with right, good folks sitting with me. Folks, doing their job's. My words, as the disease's in my body betrays me. Daily. Even with the kind, loving and helpful words of my Advocate, my therapist, and my dear Counselor, I am down hearted by the reality that my eyes were opened, and I saw my life pass before me.
The disgusting processes of Meniere's Disease often place me in positions to speak and talk with professional after professionals, and doctor upon doctor. The entirety and extraordinary position I find myself in - is all so damned stressful and frustrating, that I do not know how many times I have read and prayed just to settle down a minute. I have talked about my lives, my life beginning as early as I can remember. As I speak here, I speak with an open heart. Please, my Team, understand what it is I am doing. I am finally grabbing that tiger by the tail and placing 'all hands on deck' with respects to where I am in life and health. With more ill health in hand and in store there is a need for that much more attention on self and body. Please, understand. It has been with local government, businesses, and organizations, that have provided me with great hopes and huge anticipations of some day having a brighter future. Sooner than later, I pray. My Good God! It is with these Folks, I have felt very comfortable with, and they felt comfortable with me. These individuals were folks, I believe were establishing relationships with me while doing their jobs. There were a few wonderful gatherings, chats face to face, and conversations over the telephone.
To all of my therapists and counselor's, I say thank you, to all of my psychologists and psychiatrists, I thank you all for your hard work and dedication. It is with your hard work and our Kindred Spirit's in mind, that it is now I must close this chapter in my life and move along.
Please, no ill feelings towards me. Having said all I have shared in these three chapters lets me say whole hearted thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all too.
I have stopped mourning and am absolutely okay with saying that words spoken from my own mouth dictates where I take this self betrayal. I've got to keep on keeping on, so I toughen my skin a bit, pick up my marbles and take the way my path takes me. Someplace better than here. Seen.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Time For Change, Time To Cut The Shit And Move Along
The time has come for me to acknowledge that for well over half of one year, I have permitted boundaries to be trespassed, I have openly permitted negative grown folks let be with their sad state of immaturity in spite of being grown adults, who are of a small few in my circle. Let influences, words, betrayal's affect me and mine. I have let this from others influence my energy. Sadly, my Path too. I have let their word's and their idea's, their point's of view and their boastful banter of their supposed awesomely blessed energy's, knowledge and skill's, and how it is, talk, talk to impress folks when no one is truly really trying not to listen anymore.
Thing's change, I've changed, some Folk's have changed, and now, it's time that we affect a change of many things. I say we because if we don't, I will. It's all so silly simple. Seen?
Reader's, so too many of these silly minded ones play their games. I mean to share that I speak of Kin Folk, a couple of Health care professionals. Kin Folk, I say, as if another round of remove from the traitors and two faced ones. Them who try to toy with emotions and people's way's. As if interference by ego radar waves is your greatest assets. To them, who have been in my circle, now, it is I who feels a sadness because of your sad pitiful ways. That's not how shits supposed to happen, Honey. En'it? You and yours who depend on egomania and your manic stages of lies and cheating folks of time and energy with full fledged bull shit. My time and energy is from now on to be focused on the business of me and a better state of health. My Bride's health, and God, there's so much going on. It has been since March 2013 I let loose of maybe too much. How is somebody going to tell a grown man not to speak in such a way. Wow, I say and well, it's time to bring change and it is time to focus inwards. Study my innards and work with the doctors, professors and Folk. More Botox coming up and a surgery is pending. Fuck. I've had enough.
Fuck. By the way, don't apologize. There isn't none necessary, I say certainly. Please chock this up as a 'Life Lesson'. One we both have learned from. And I have been reminded about my boundaries and have learned not to listen to them who pass along such ill bitterness. I pray. My dear friends and family, please grasp hold of this, take your life by your glands and do something with YOU LIFE. Don't make believe and play this roll of caring so damned much. Bitch please. You spend too much time having your mind on others and their shit, while not minding your own damned business. I admit, you are all skilled and what you do is skillful, but friend, you shade your purposes with agenda's while perpetuating child's play. With grown ass people who depend on you for compassion, understanding, and an occasional hug or visit. It is time now to move along, you and your negative energy's, your habit of leaching like a leach to my mixed blood. No mas. No more. That's it. Yeah, it's best to go ahead and move along. For shits sake, number fifty four just eased on by a minute ago and to tell the truth, my biological watch says it's time for change. Time to take back my energy and focus, cut the shit and move along.
To my family and friends, I'm taking a hold of my glands and I'm going to rock my life. It's time. Oh yes, I ask my dear drama makers, boasters, and them with two faces and two mouths. "lower your voice, lesson your ego and more will listen". I assure you of this.
Thing's change, I've changed, some Folk's have changed, and now, it's time that we affect a change of many things. I say we because if we don't, I will. It's all so silly simple. Seen?
Reader's, so too many of these silly minded ones play their games. I mean to share that I speak of Kin Folk, a couple of Health care professionals. Kin Folk, I say, as if another round of remove from the traitors and two faced ones. Them who try to toy with emotions and people's way's. As if interference by ego radar waves is your greatest assets. To them, who have been in my circle, now, it is I who feels a sadness because of your sad pitiful ways. That's not how shits supposed to happen, Honey. En'it? You and yours who depend on egomania and your manic stages of lies and cheating folks of time and energy with full fledged bull shit. My time and energy is from now on to be focused on the business of me and a better state of health. My Bride's health, and God, there's so much going on. It has been since March 2013 I let loose of maybe too much. How is somebody going to tell a grown man not to speak in such a way. Wow, I say and well, it's time to bring change and it is time to focus inwards. Study my innards and work with the doctors, professors and Folk. More Botox coming up and a surgery is pending. Fuck. I've had enough.
Fuck. By the way, don't apologize. There isn't none necessary, I say certainly. Please chock this up as a 'Life Lesson'. One we both have learned from. And I have been reminded about my boundaries and have learned not to listen to them who pass along such ill bitterness. I pray. My dear friends and family, please grasp hold of this, take your life by your glands and do something with YOU LIFE. Don't make believe and play this roll of caring so damned much. Bitch please. You spend too much time having your mind on others and their shit, while not minding your own damned business. I admit, you are all skilled and what you do is skillful, but friend, you shade your purposes with agenda's while perpetuating child's play. With grown ass people who depend on you for compassion, understanding, and an occasional hug or visit. It is time now to move along, you and your negative energy's, your habit of leaching like a leach to my mixed blood. No mas. No more. That's it. Yeah, it's best to go ahead and move along. For shits sake, number fifty four just eased on by a minute ago and to tell the truth, my biological watch says it's time for change. Time to take back my energy and focus, cut the shit and move along.
To my family and friends, I'm taking a hold of my glands and I'm going to rock my life. It's time. Oh yes, I ask my dear drama makers, boasters, and them with two faces and two mouths. "lower your voice, lesson your ego and more will listen". I assure you of this.
The Sounds Of Meniere's Disease, A Safe Level Of Madness
The upper layers of my skin and lobes of my brains tell me Fall has reached this region of our South Eastern United States of America. The weather man with bloated self-sense, talks loudly and speaks as if he knows all. Radar and multiple computers checked prior to laughing and speaking to me like he knew me. Please, this is small town Tampa, Florida, we do not require entertainment from news broadcasters. Just share the news, do your jobs and hush a bit.
I just heard and listened to what I thought was a bird outback sounding very much like a Lazar weapon of some sort...
...or was there battle going on between to visiting aliens? I didn't know. So, at first, I remained in here at my desk and thought I felt safe and okay, which lead to me having to check out there because the sounds of Lazar beams were getting more and more hectic. Louder too..
...so I left my den, enquiring into the sounds, affects, and going-on's in the sanctuary, only to find my bird cousin's carrying on and cussing because I failed to place seed in the feeder. Well then, the Lazar's were no where to be heard. I would've bet a damned dollar I tell you, but no, no Lazar's or "birds" making the sound of Lazar's. No Alien battles in my back yard. Oh my.
God, Save The Queen.
Fall comes now, I see some species of bird disoriented and frustrated in their preparation's for their yearly holidays away. There are some who live here in the preserve and sanctuary all year long. They are Cardinal, Blue Jay, Dove's of variety, Mocking Bird, Sparrow, and Black Bird of a variety too. Not all eat seed, but all come for fresh water to drink and bathe.
At this moment I am nauseous, dizzy, sweating, and listening to sounds of another note from this Meniere's library of Sounds. Can one understand when I silently scream, damn it to hell! All of these sounds and noises! Damned to hell the sounds I even listen too. Yes, seriously.
The Sounds of Meniere's Disease, have driven me to a safe level of Madness. I know this, you see? This is me, remember? It's me sitting here in my skin, and my red bandanna. Just me sitting here on my rocking chair, rocking back and forth on the cool porch of my cabin in my mind.
I just heard and listened to what I thought was a bird outback sounding very much like a Lazar weapon of some sort...
...or was there battle going on between to visiting aliens? I didn't know. So, at first, I remained in here at my desk and thought I felt safe and okay, which lead to me having to check out there because the sounds of Lazar beams were getting more and more hectic. Louder too..
...so I left my den, enquiring into the sounds, affects, and going-on's in the sanctuary, only to find my bird cousin's carrying on and cussing because I failed to place seed in the feeder. Well then, the Lazar's were no where to be heard. I would've bet a damned dollar I tell you, but no, no Lazar's or "birds" making the sound of Lazar's. No Alien battles in my back yard. Oh my.
God, Save The Queen.
Fall comes now, I see some species of bird disoriented and frustrated in their preparation's for their yearly holidays away. There are some who live here in the preserve and sanctuary all year long. They are Cardinal, Blue Jay, Dove's of variety, Mocking Bird, Sparrow, and Black Bird of a variety too. Not all eat seed, but all come for fresh water to drink and bathe.
At this moment I am nauseous, dizzy, sweating, and listening to sounds of another note from this Meniere's library of Sounds. Can one understand when I silently scream, damn it to hell! All of these sounds and noises! Damned to hell the sounds I even listen too. Yes, seriously.
The Sounds of Meniere's Disease, have driven me to a safe level of Madness. I know this, you see? This is me, remember? It's me sitting here in my skin, and my red bandanna. Just me sitting here on my rocking chair, rocking back and forth on the cool porch of my cabin in my mind.
Monday, November 4, 2013
A Communique: Meniere's, Neurologically Speaking And I, A Medicinal Update
Dearest Kindred,
I'm back and send out this communique, being sent out today, 05 November 2013, at 1247. The symptoms of Meniere's Disease continue to beat me into embarrassing, awkward, and the most peculiar of circumstances. The symptoms of the Neurological issues persist with such vengeance and painful agony, I don't know how I've managed to keep myself from punishment. I am pleased at how I've managed myself, as if I have a true and sustainable business to take care of, or not. Inside of this mixed blooded skin, and skeletal structure. The asthma that rules my lungs, springs surprise attacks on me and I find I can't take in a deep breathe or that the tightness in my chest has grown so totally possessing of me, my breath, and life as I know it, that there's not a farting thing I can do about it. With these three bullshit diseases I have here, while not mentioning other diseases, My God knows, these put the push that places me into battle after battle, daily. Daily, I said! Let me share there is one and yet another extraordinarily unpleasant medication ordered to my personal menu of pills, tablets, capsules, and inhalations of what is flowing threw my veins, organs and brains. A medicinal update is true, I'm just not comfortable sharing what it is aloud yet. With this medication, I do take it many times daily. For weeks now. This medication is the mind bending medication that has required much adjusting to. Adding to the hours of sleep. This new way of life. God please, don't stop the medicine. You see, this is a special medication. One that requires exceptional steps to be made. And it takes time to become one with me, so with this recent appointment with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, early last week, it is now that each and every doctor, professor, medical practice, and Self-Reliance, Inc. Advocate, "All The We", in my team, are all current and up to date with my daily medication intake. This was a necessity. This was for me to ensure took place because I have been eating so many medications for so many years now, and there were medicines being ordered by professor that was being declined. Them expensive white man medicine type of medication. I have been very curious about the denials of two medicine ordered by my professor. One. while on the new medicinal regimen, which had begun! Yes, true. So I stopped taking the rest. I mean? I have had two Meniere's attacks since I was on blog last. The noises in both ears have been complete unforgiving hell, an unrelenting torture of sounds and noises that come from within my skull. Where the metal plate in my skull lives and the abutment that extends from the implant on my thick ass skull. I have had active vomiting with my nausea. I have sweated pounds and inches off of my frame by the Meniere's Sweating Work Out! What the hell? I have reintroduced light lifting to firm up a bit and am planning on following a new planking regimen. My arms look nice, my waist is sweet and I want it sweeter. I watch what I eat - for the most part indeed. An occasional ethnic break in diet shatters any calorie count and triples my curls while sitting on the sofa. Which is a good thing, en'it? Because, I know this, the sleep had my scrotum to my 501's! I have continued to sleep with such an ill sleeping pattern that this just may be my ticket one day. What? I just thought of a lieutenant I knew in the Army. Sir.? Richard? Today was a beautiful day to die! Why fear? When Great One is ready, My God, knows right where I am. And, by the way, I know where my relationship with God, lives. There are simply too many hypocrites in my Circles, they seem to come and go. Now's another time to take care of myself and better manage my business, by managing what business represents in me. Me. Them who speak with evil tongue when speaking of God, brings on to themselves ill and unfortunate circumstances onto themselves. It's like putting illness upon your Kin Folk. Bad medicine works really much like Karma. I have had two falls since visiting doctor last week. The ear spasms continue at ?-numbers-per-day. Today, my face has spasmed twice. There was one episode last week while in my wife's car on our way cross town that I was moments from any hospitals emergency department. Today, there were two episodes. Both involving my neck and cervical spine that produced such pain I saw bright lights twinkle about my face and skull. My hearing hasn't been worth a damn for too many days to remember. There has been the sound of an old fashioned telephone ringing through. For now I have nothing else to say. I send out this communique to all Kindred. To all Kindred, much love and peace and more peace please. I'm back. Seen? Seem.
I'm back and send out this communique, being sent out today, 05 November 2013, at 1247. The symptoms of Meniere's Disease continue to beat me into embarrassing, awkward, and the most peculiar of circumstances. The symptoms of the Neurological issues persist with such vengeance and painful agony, I don't know how I've managed to keep myself from punishment. I am pleased at how I've managed myself, as if I have a true and sustainable business to take care of, or not. Inside of this mixed blooded skin, and skeletal structure. The asthma that rules my lungs, springs surprise attacks on me and I find I can't take in a deep breathe or that the tightness in my chest has grown so totally possessing of me, my breath, and life as I know it, that there's not a farting thing I can do about it. With these three bullshit diseases I have here, while not mentioning other diseases, My God knows, these put the push that places me into battle after battle, daily. Daily, I said! Let me share there is one and yet another extraordinarily unpleasant medication ordered to my personal menu of pills, tablets, capsules, and inhalations of what is flowing threw my veins, organs and brains. A medicinal update is true, I'm just not comfortable sharing what it is aloud yet. With this medication, I do take it many times daily. For weeks now. This medication is the mind bending medication that has required much adjusting to. Adding to the hours of sleep. This new way of life. God please, don't stop the medicine. You see, this is a special medication. One that requires exceptional steps to be made. And it takes time to become one with me, so with this recent appointment with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, early last week, it is now that each and every doctor, professor, medical practice, and Self-Reliance, Inc. Advocate, "All The We", in my team, are all current and up to date with my daily medication intake. This was a necessity. This was for me to ensure took place because I have been eating so many medications for so many years now, and there were medicines being ordered by professor that was being declined. Them expensive white man medicine type of medication. I have been very curious about the denials of two medicine ordered by my professor. One. while on the new medicinal regimen, which had begun! Yes, true. So I stopped taking the rest. I mean? I have had two Meniere's attacks since I was on blog last. The noises in both ears have been complete unforgiving hell, an unrelenting torture of sounds and noises that come from within my skull. Where the metal plate in my skull lives and the abutment that extends from the implant on my thick ass skull. I have had active vomiting with my nausea. I have sweated pounds and inches off of my frame by the Meniere's Sweating Work Out! What the hell? I have reintroduced light lifting to firm up a bit and am planning on following a new planking regimen. My arms look nice, my waist is sweet and I want it sweeter. I watch what I eat - for the most part indeed. An occasional ethnic break in diet shatters any calorie count and triples my curls while sitting on the sofa. Which is a good thing, en'it? Because, I know this, the sleep had my scrotum to my 501's! I have continued to sleep with such an ill sleeping pattern that this just may be my ticket one day. What? I just thought of a lieutenant I knew in the Army. Sir.? Richard? Today was a beautiful day to die! Why fear? When Great One is ready, My God, knows right where I am. And, by the way, I know where my relationship with God, lives. There are simply too many hypocrites in my Circles, they seem to come and go. Now's another time to take care of myself and better manage my business, by managing what business represents in me. Me. Them who speak with evil tongue when speaking of God, brings on to themselves ill and unfortunate circumstances onto themselves. It's like putting illness upon your Kin Folk. Bad medicine works really much like Karma. I have had two falls since visiting doctor last week. The ear spasms continue at ?-numbers-per-day. Today, my face has spasmed twice. There was one episode last week while in my wife's car on our way cross town that I was moments from any hospitals emergency department. Today, there were two episodes. Both involving my neck and cervical spine that produced such pain I saw bright lights twinkle about my face and skull. My hearing hasn't been worth a damn for too many days to remember. There has been the sound of an old fashioned telephone ringing through. For now I have nothing else to say. I send out this communique to all Kindred. To all Kindred, much love and peace and more peace please. I'm back. Seen? Seem.
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