Meniere's Disease And My Madness

Today is Sunday, 06 November 2011 and is mid-afternoon.

This Meniere's has been a tough adversary this morning and especially now these last couple of hours of afternoon.

My Left Deaf Ear is listening to "Chirps"! Like a prehistoric sized feathered one that just really chirps and chirps out damned loud! I mean really fucking loud! But, no one else hears this noise but me. Never, well, as far back as I might recollect have I had a Chirping sound in my deaf one. Oh, my Relations, I don't know if I can truly convey what is happening in this ear. The one that is supposed to be silent. Deaf. These chirping-chirp-chirps are so bad, so loud, I have tried to listen to music a bit louder than usual. I have taken a walk and sat a spell in my North West Sanctuary. All to no avail. As I sit here with you tip-tapping, The Chirps - chirp just for me and my battered innards.

My person feels assaulted by the daily and damned near constant battle with this invisible disease. Along with the other invisible disease's that have made a home in this temporary shell of a body that is attached to the skeleton that carries my large frame.

I have come to the conclusion that this is all on me, Relations. I've grown terribly wearied by family and friend's distance from I and these disease's. With a very few exceptions, there are more who stay and keep away, than those who actually put their words into action. It's a down right shame, Relations. No. It's not a shame, it's a problem. One that I have decided to let Karma take care of...

...oh so, what am I talking about? All of those "call me's if you ever need anything", "call me's if I can take you somewhere", "call me's if you want to get out". Ummmm, yeah, right. This has been a hard lesson to learn.
A difficult ugly ass pill to swallow.

I am in exile because of what lives with-in me. Not because of some political rubbish or because of a religious sanction. Nor am I in here because I got caught getting over with some scheme on other Human's. This is "Healh Imposed Exile". To have seen, read lips and heard all of the above, time and time again drains me of the positive energies I do my best to surround myself with. It's really as if negative energies weigh more than the poistive one's in my Life's day-to-day...

...it's so strangely bizarre, because it was really not that long ago I was asking folks to trouble me. I still do Kindred. I just have to do it from within the walls of this Lodge. My Like Minded and Kindred have my telephone number's. And they use it.

Enough of this. And it was I, who has stood by this statement for decades -"Blood is alway's thicker than water." Well Honey's, I know better as more and more time passes me on by. I have learned, some of these "family and friends" are like oil and water. Oh, but how I do remember. Yes, I do.

My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a bad spell going back since Friday. Hearing has been difficult. Very difficult. I have had too many episodes of total silence - in the wrong ear. Moments pass and pass, I wait and listen for the hearing to return and everytime it does my heart skips a beat. The plopping continues, the pop's continue...

...and the voices have returned in full force, which interferes with my hearing. I hear the voices as clear as I hear my wife's voice. Or the voice of my daughter. I've tried to talk to these voices - but they don't listen neither. Either that or their deaf too.

I am nauseated and am very uncomfortable. There has been no productivity.

I am dizzy at a real speed of right down the middle. As if I have had too much to drink at the pub or club. I walk with the aid of my quad cane but am having to use the wall's as an aid to get by for now. This is not unfamiliar to me, this is where I am at this moment.

As in this very moment, I wear a necklace of perspiration and a belt of sweat around my mid-section. Which all doesn't make sense to me because it is a beautiful cool Florida fall day out, the ceiling fan is running full speed and all windows of this "House of Seven Window's" are open. Which permits this soft and sweet cross ventilation throughout the Lodge. Refreshing indeed, but when meniere's is present, it does not matter. I sweat as if I am tasking out of doors. Alas, it is but another symptom of meniere's that resides within me. I swear, I would think all of this sweating would assist me with losing weight. It does not. It's just one of those things that comes as a package deal. Seemingly, just for me.

Before I go any further, I want to thank Dione and Timm, for stopping by last evening for the breaking of bread and wonderful conversation. I have not seen Timm since the mid 1990's and was just recently reunited with Dione. She surprised me with a visit to hospital. We were co-workers and friends over at the big blue box store. The point is, is that once we as friends were reconnected, their words were placed into action. These friends who have been friends for decades and although we may not have seen one another for years, our friendship remained solid. These beautiful people and their beautiful family kept things real. More so than I might say for a whole hell of alot of Kinfolk. Kinfolk? I'm knowing there has to be some re-evaluation on this piece. Shit.

Life? Really?

There's so much I want to do. There's so much I want to see.

I have been burdened by the sadness and gloom that has once again settled deep with-in my Core. My batteries are running on low and the darkness has me on the verge of breaking. I have been communicating this "being on the verge of breaking". I'm starting to think them I speak with have no ears, because surely no one listens. Not even my own therapist was listening to my words. I think he was more interested in seeing me cry. I have cried and have cried more than I really want to share, but this is a fact. Who know's? I don't.

Yes, I continue to eat my pretty little pills and also eat them that are big as a horse pill. The pills that come in such a pretty array of colors. Pink, blue, red, yellow, white, cute little transparent orbs and the huge ones with razors that stick out of each side...

John Wayne is out to pasture and I have not seen him in a few day's. I miss My Path and feel if I have neglected myself. Even with the committments I have made to battle these diseases and illness's, I feel neglected by self and other's. I'm tired of this...

...I think I'll fill my tires on my trike, John Wayne, and bust a move. I have been asked not to, but these people do not know what it feels like in my shoes. I do not want to be placed in the position of losing something because I did not use it. Can you dig it?

A Small Piece Of My Time...Snap Shot?

Just within the past one hour I have been inundated with the symptoms of Meneier's Disease. Am not sure about what's going on but I feel myself draining. My energies evaporating.

I have a dizziness at an eight based on a 1 - 10 scale. My eye's and body feel sick and nauseated to where it feels as if my throat swells. No vomit yet, but it sure feels as if it's at my throat. My left ear is receiving a message via Morris Code. Very loudly...

...my right ear has been playing mind games with me. The hearing piece fluctuates between not-too-good to poor.

I am thinking I must lay down. So time out for now.

No. Not now...

A Friend Keeps An Eye On A Friend's Back

I was recently with a small group of friends. Most of them new as I had never met them before.

We drank, ate and had some good Man Time.

As I was preparing to leave for home, one of my old friends wanted to take me home as I don't/can't drive. I thanked him and declined as my Good Friend had been sipping beverages and I did not feel comfortable with him driving me home under the influence. Out of concern for his safety...

...behind me on the sofa sat two new friends. One of which I suspected communicated in some form of sign langauge that I spoke in good ways about the "no driving". I knew this was going on because all I had to do was follow my friends eye's...

...they were not directed to my face, eyes and or mouth as he and I spoke.

Deaf and Hard of Hearing Folks pick up on the damnedest things when it comes to communicating...

...it's quite like growing a whole new sense and or way's of picking up languages - because we can't hear the language being spoken, does not mean we are blind too.

What can you do? I just don't know...

The Visit With Sir Dude And So On

My gathering with Sir Dude, was an above average face to face meeting. He had his questions aligned and I had the Verbal Vomit. There was superb exchange and I was able to purge a spell and chip away at was has been building up in my Core.

Not a tear was shed...

...my therapist made comment on the concept of having been "cried dry". I picked up a strange sensation as if he wanted me to cry. I just didn't want to. The words sounded strange in my ear and behind my face and it was as if I could smell what it was he said - a poignant choice of words on his behalf. And yet, I understood very damned well what he meant. I knew.

He asked if I had considered hurting or harming myself...

...I let him know straight away and with a steadfastness that I did not have to, as the pains of needle after needle, lab after lab, rectal probes, penis insertions and procedure after procedure was actually fulfilling the need or my desire to harm myself. Or hurt myself. I have been getting this from the hands of others and they all have done a damned good job. It just hasn't stopped me from thinking about the blood letting or branding...

...so, the everything's I have experianced since the 5th of October 2011, have quinched my thirst. For now.

Had practiced a traction earlier on my cervical spine. Once completed I had two sensations. One was as if I had released dozens and dozens of those fucking worms on the left side of my skull and then came this tingling as if part of my skull/head had fallen asleep and got all stingy. Like when one's foot might feel after sitting in a weird poistion stingy. After traction and attempting to relax with these weird sypmtoms for what may have been 3/4 hour - I went to sleep. To sleep for roughly two hours.

The noises in my left deaf ear are troubling me as I tip-tap. My right ear is listening to myself debate in my brains what it is I should say any more about this meniere's disease. I have not had an attack in just about four weeks (have not spoken of this because I did not want to jinx myself) and this makes me very cheerful, but somebody must tell my body. You see,
I have returned to a place of physical, emotional and psychological pain from toe tip to my skull. The pain of bodily pain and the pains of the heart, mind and Spirit's.

Yes, I continue with the medications and meditations.

She-Who-Walks-With-The-Cherokee saw the PTSD approaching before I did. Sir Dude, had made a mention of this as well. These elevator rides are working me nerves bad and this roller coaster ride has me on the brink of breaking...

...I keep my happy face on. I keep my smile on and keep on going on.

If I don't, I will self-distruct. I can smell it...

A Very Necessary Visit With Sir Dude, My Therapist

This afternoon I will visit with Sir Dude. My therapist and confidant.

Too much time has passed since we had a face to face gathering...

...since the 5th of October, 2011.

This is a very necessary visit. I am on the verge of breaking. My heart is heavy and feels bad and sad. My Spirit's fight the good battles, but the Human in me is fucking up my emotions very much. And I have cried with the shedding of too many tears, and have sobbed with the intensity of an injured Coyote.

As I have committed myself to doing the right thing by taking action with an active participation in the improvement of my state of health - I must commit with the same steadfastness to my emotional and psychological state of being. I had set this important part of my life aside for almost one month. I can ill afford this show of self-disregard and irresponsibility again.

I am knowing there has been alot of shit stirred up the past few weeks. Hospitalization, illness upon illness, Meniers'a Disease and a fact that I do not enjoy having complete strangers handle my penis nor do I enjoy having phallic medical instruments inserted into my rectum...

...um, I think more so the latter. As I laid on the exam table, on my side in the fetal poistion, I was overwhelmed with flash back after flash back and way too many memories. Fuck! If maybe I would have been forewarned, I could have at least prepared myself for this humiliation. And yes, I was humiliated as the sensations and memories and emotions all became a terrible storm with-in my heart and Spirit's.

Today, my gathering with Sir Dude has an urgancy about it, yet I pray for a peaceful and productive gathering.

By the way, my Relations, yes I pray.

The Differance Between Israeli Jews and White America

From the the local press which received report from the New York Times...

Jerusalem - Israel said Tuesday that it would accelerate the construction of 2,000 housing units in contested area's of East Jerusalem and in two West Bank settelments. Etc., etc., etc......

I have read this report/article thrice and find myself in the position to no longer wish to remain silent on this subject. So today I break MY silence.

Before I do say my few words, I will preface this by sharing a quick summary of my thoughts about Israel and their Arabian neighbours. Their history IS their history. I pray and have prayed, have meditated for those across the pond, and their country's and my brothers and sisters for all my life...

...these brethren are African first! And I believe this is where my silence has been capped by my own doing's. My love and respect for African Peoples. My silence. It is not my wish to create debate or conversational intercourse about this subject with others. This is MY perspective. If one does not agree or if one does agree with what I am about to share, it means nothing more than a grain of sand in my eye. This is MY silence being broken. History, media and the press have shared and said enough.

The difference between the Jews of Israel today and the White people of Early, Mid, and present day White America, and their treatment of the First Nations and their People, is that even though White America continues to oppress our Minority's, in this instance very specifically American Indians. THERE just is not that much land to take, borrow or steal from OUR Native American's anymore. From the beginning of the White Man's history in OUR country - their Road To America's Distruction was based on greed and has been paved and repaved, generation after generation, as it has been the White Way to live...

...white to dictate the way ALL People of Colour live in this U.S. of A. As it was and is the White way to take away from them who are not White.

The Jewish folks of Israel with the support of MY country, perpetuate this formula in THEIR country. It's odd to see how most Jewish people are white as linen. White like white folks here.

It is wrong to see THIS country and the world stand back and permit this stealing of an other people's land to happen and occur time and time again...

...with the blood shed by too many Palistinian, who simply wish to have THEIR piece of Earth Mother. To have their own COUNTRY, as it was for the Jewish people not too long ago.

The Israel Manifest Destination...

...will end in blood shed unimagined.

My silence has been broken. I have no more to say.

I Am Permitted To Forbid Your Label's In My Life

I had this misfortune earlier this afternoon. One who I had considered Kindred, betrayed and offended my boundaries by applying a label to me and the who I am...

...when I make an error in considering one Kindred, and they're not - I permit it to affect my Spirit's. This becomes a sad time and am complelled to mourn the loss. So it is and so I will.

Relations, I ask you this...

...if you have a label, tag, or neon sign that you wish to apply to me. Keep it to yourself. Perhaps even look within yourself and check where this projecting originates.

I have dealt with the removal of such odds-n-ends for decades. THROUGH-OUT ALL my ever fucking life for that matter, I have HAD TO FIGHT to keep the LABEL's of OTHER'S from getting to deep in my being. Decades of self-help, threapy and psychiatry. It has been like peeling layer by layer of my own skin, and is something I still deal with. From childhood through the today...

...I don't need fool's and their foolish labels and yap-yap around me or my enviroment.

Just please, keep you and "your" labels to you and your Kinfolk.

Have said enough, maybe not, but enough is enough. I want to get over this unfortunate scene and move on...

...to this day I learn something new everyday. Still...