I have not been awake one hour and one half this beautiful clear skyed morn and the crying has already started...this has not stopped for the past one hour. Or since my Bride pulled off to work, really. I love her so very much. She's working so hard to take care of me and my goofy half deaf ass! What am I to do to help her! These bills don't stop coming or our responsibilty does not become any less because someone takes ill...
...so, I sit here sobbing silently so as not to upset our hounds. My left eye orb still doesn't work properly, with relation to tears, it's 25% to my right eye's 100%. Sometimes, this affects my crying, but on a morning like this one, not so much. It's the eye orb that knows it cries. Just more slowly than the other. A consequence of a sugery a bit over one year ago. My lazy left eye...
...I am afraid and scared and horrified of losing any more of my world as I've known it. So much so, I pray to God to help me get my me back. So much has already been lost due to this meniere's disease and the all that is meniere's. It very truly hurts a man's heart and Spirit's when one has lost his meanful and gainful wages of employment due to illness. I think a chunk of the pride piece gets lost too. Even though, I've tried hard not to look at it like that. Being a prideful thing. I can't help it, I suppose.
Savings are tapped into...Bonds are sold...Shares of stock are sold. So much has been sacrificed time and time again, for an illness I would really rather not have.
I am a man who can not run. Or walk without aid...I am a man who can not drive a car or ride a bike/trike. I am a man who wants what every man wants for his wife and family. I am this man being the shell of the man he once was. I'm too young for this.
There's something not right with this picture.
This morning, I am up and awake. My Miss. P.T., will be here any moment. It is time to go to my closet and pick out a nice looking face.
Maybe today, I crawl on my Path...
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
Walking My Path
I am have difficulty with sharing what I'm about to share tonight. I am embarrassed by somrthing that sounds so absurd and irksome all in one same breath. At this moment, it doesn't matter who uttered these words. It's the where-what-the-with-all, and how this was expressed. Via telephone. No shit. I will digest them and wrap my head with them, then I'll speak with her...
It has been reported to me today that being Deaf and Hard of Hearing can no longer be an excuse...I was told earlier today, me being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse...
...being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse.
?
Yes, I've shed some tears today...on more than one occasion. Not a one from these words though. There's this gut feeling pushing me towards a little follow up. As in asking from which way was the wind blowing when these words were expressed. Perhaps a bad day at work? Or maybe some of this or some of that? I don't know. This is something that will lay still in my Spirit's...for a minute or a few.
The sounds coming from my right ear are high loud and have been a cruel form of torture for alot of the day. The sounds of a huge waterfall has been pouring in my ear hole! My left deaf ear has been picking up Morris Code or some Top Secret communique from Cairo, for what seems like hours since it started. I am dizzy, sweating and nauseated as I type tonight. The pattern of much sleep continues...yet, it is my hope to continue staying awake more with each passing day. With-in the next few minutes, I will be back to sleep. For good rest. I will have P.T. in the morning.
My nesting is wanting to return...I have started with going through my compact disc collection to clean them, place them in order of genre, and then chronological order. I reckon there will be more than a few that I'll be able to sell or trade. More like sell, I hope. That's Financial Matters and we have not even gone there yet. Oh, Lord.
In all that is now and present, I do my best to make an ugly and unpleasent situation (meniere's disease & related) as positive as possible. Not only for me, but for those who cross my Path. Them who are a part of my team. I continue to push the evelope good and plenty hard...this Path, takes nothing less from me...or I of myself.
...to have to hear those words, "being Deaf and Hard of Hearing is no longer an excuse"...
...reminds me that Walking My Path with my chin up is paramount... similar to Walking In Beauty...which is where I ultimately want to be.
For the present, I'll live life one day at a time. One breath, one step and one sentence at a time.
Walking My Path
It has been reported to me today that being Deaf and Hard of Hearing can no longer be an excuse...I was told earlier today, me being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse...
...being deaf and hard of hearing is no longer an excuse.
?
Yes, I've shed some tears today...on more than one occasion. Not a one from these words though. There's this gut feeling pushing me towards a little follow up. As in asking from which way was the wind blowing when these words were expressed. Perhaps a bad day at work? Or maybe some of this or some of that? I don't know. This is something that will lay still in my Spirit's...for a minute or a few.
The sounds coming from my right ear are high loud and have been a cruel form of torture for alot of the day. The sounds of a huge waterfall has been pouring in my ear hole! My left deaf ear has been picking up Morris Code or some Top Secret communique from Cairo, for what seems like hours since it started. I am dizzy, sweating and nauseated as I type tonight. The pattern of much sleep continues...yet, it is my hope to continue staying awake more with each passing day. With-in the next few minutes, I will be back to sleep. For good rest. I will have P.T. in the morning.
My nesting is wanting to return...I have started with going through my compact disc collection to clean them, place them in order of genre, and then chronological order. I reckon there will be more than a few that I'll be able to sell or trade. More like sell, I hope. That's Financial Matters and we have not even gone there yet. Oh, Lord.
In all that is now and present, I do my best to make an ugly and unpleasent situation (meniere's disease & related) as positive as possible. Not only for me, but for those who cross my Path. Them who are a part of my team. I continue to push the evelope good and plenty hard...this Path, takes nothing less from me...or I of myself.
...to have to hear those words, "being Deaf and Hard of Hearing is no longer an excuse"...
...reminds me that Walking My Path with my chin up is paramount... similar to Walking In Beauty...which is where I ultimately want to be.
For the present, I'll live life one day at a time. One breath, one step and one sentence at a time.
Walking My Path
Saturday, November 6, 2010
A Rain Forest
Turn back the clock night! 07 Nov.,2010. Turn back the clock night!
For us here in Central Florida and the Gulf Coast, it's 54 degrees outside and fifty anything degrees F., outside this time of year is ridiculous. No really, just utterly ridiculous! Although, I have always enjoyed the cool of Fall or the cold of Winter...I am a Child of the Fall, see, so I suppose it makes plenty sense...but, folks here are pulling out the parkas, hoodies, leather, fur and chimney's burning logs? Right...folks spark an early Christmas shopping rush at Beall's.
I continue to cry daily, sometimes several times a day. There have been times of an out pouring of uncontrolable weeping, sobs, and on occasion sounds, that come from with-in my Spirit's...that sound Wolf like...as from the gut and the throat. Most of my crying is very private...it is private.
At this moment a Rain Forest surrounds the folds of my brain...the sounds of crickets, frogs, and the night bird...it is so loud and clear tonight, I can differentiate their songs and sounds and am able to pick up gator in my back yard...LOUD, LOUD!
...hold it please, while on the topic of the folds of my brain, I am uncertain as to whether I have mentioned that my Doctor-With-All-The-Tools, is the only person to touch my brain. Ever. My Dear Good Doctor, touched my brain to make way for a snip-snip. In a Spiritual way I am connected to Doc. In an extraordinary way, he let my brain come into contact with the very air we were breathing...he touched my brain! I don't know too many folk who have had their brain touched by somebody...I don't know any body now that I think about it.
In my right ear there is an increase in the puffing affect as if my right ear is puffing full...these are bothersome and remind me time and again about my last surgery. I also go into instant stand by with concern of vertigo attacks. I have had what sounds like an old Air Raid siren in my right ear on and off for two days. There also continues to be momentary total loss of hearing...and yes. it has been reported. Really?! Momentary total loss of my damn hearing!!
At this moment my nausea level is a -6 and my dizzines level a 6. Other than very sharp stabbing pains on the left side of my skull, every once in a while, I have no pain.
I have been compelled to sleep more the past three days. Sort of like shutting things down or off for a spell. They're not planned. Sleep time and Dream World come when time comes. Many times, I reckon, my body over-rides and just closes shop.
Am wanting to nest again!!
Walking The Path...
...Mario
For us here in Central Florida and the Gulf Coast, it's 54 degrees outside and fifty anything degrees F., outside this time of year is ridiculous. No really, just utterly ridiculous! Although, I have always enjoyed the cool of Fall or the cold of Winter...I am a Child of the Fall, see, so I suppose it makes plenty sense...but, folks here are pulling out the parkas, hoodies, leather, fur and chimney's burning logs? Right...folks spark an early Christmas shopping rush at Beall's.
I continue to cry daily, sometimes several times a day. There have been times of an out pouring of uncontrolable weeping, sobs, and on occasion sounds, that come from with-in my Spirit's...that sound Wolf like...as from the gut and the throat. Most of my crying is very private...it is private.
At this moment a Rain Forest surrounds the folds of my brain...the sounds of crickets, frogs, and the night bird...it is so loud and clear tonight, I can differentiate their songs and sounds and am able to pick up gator in my back yard...LOUD, LOUD!
...hold it please, while on the topic of the folds of my brain, I am uncertain as to whether I have mentioned that my Doctor-With-All-The-Tools, is the only person to touch my brain. Ever. My Dear Good Doctor, touched my brain to make way for a snip-snip. In a Spiritual way I am connected to Doc. In an extraordinary way, he let my brain come into contact with the very air we were breathing...he touched my brain! I don't know too many folk who have had their brain touched by somebody...I don't know any body now that I think about it.
In my right ear there is an increase in the puffing affect as if my right ear is puffing full...these are bothersome and remind me time and again about my last surgery. I also go into instant stand by with concern of vertigo attacks. I have had what sounds like an old Air Raid siren in my right ear on and off for two days. There also continues to be momentary total loss of hearing...and yes. it has been reported. Really?! Momentary total loss of my damn hearing!!
At this moment my nausea level is a -6 and my dizzines level a 6. Other than very sharp stabbing pains on the left side of my skull, every once in a while, I have no pain.
I have been compelled to sleep more the past three days. Sort of like shutting things down or off for a spell. They're not planned. Sleep time and Dream World come when time comes. Many times, I reckon, my body over-rides and just closes shop.
Am wanting to nest again!!
Walking The Path...
...Mario
Thursday, November 4, 2010
...grace...
The Pony I ride today is brown with patches of white, one patch that looks like a thunder bolt on his left haunch/rear end, up high near his tail...he is strong and is holding me well. I want to take him on a run and go fast.
The rains and cool weather are approaching us from up North of here. Not so cool at this moment, but there is plenty wet from the rains - sometimes torrential down pours. I am thankful and Mother Earth here on the preserve is pleased, as the grass and pine tree...all of our plant life have suffered from a rather long dry spell. I am so very thankful. Yes, I am a tree hugger. Am a member of PETA maybe twelve or so years too.
The noises in my head are very loud tonight...Vietnam War era helecopters circle about within my right-good-bad-ear...the steady whooomp-whooomp-whooomp-whooomp. Yes, I know there's a third "o". I added it because this is what I am hearing - "right" now at 1148 pm Thursday evening. I am dizzy +7 and nausea +5. Earlier today, I heard a voice from behind me. Please, I am home alone. I had to brush it off, let me brush it off.
I had to take a mid-day nap earlier this afternoon. I had cried myself into an exhausted state of being. Slept for close to four hours...a sleep so deep, I had to fight to awake. I wonder if this was remnets of last week's attack. I don't know. Have cried off and on this afternoon and tonight while Brenda has been home. Some of these tears were shed out of fear and saddness as I had been informed someone of Relation had a stroke and it was required he go to hospital. Prayer requests were sent out. He is someone my family and I have just been reunited with along with my dear Aunt and cousins back in July. Honestly, I was so afraid for Uncle and all of his family. We just reunited back in July! My Mom's Clan. I love them so very dearly...and by the way, Uncle coming back strong!
Today was a grey and rainy day all day...a fitting day for a good cry or few, no matter what the issue. Grey days remind me of the coffee houses I worked with...cried about all those folks who crossed my path...it still hurts my spirit to know that my coffee company had to release me. Still have not been able to wrap this around my head. And to release me while out on a disabilty leave due to a disease I did not invite into my life cuts deeply...
...my apron and ball cap sit in the same spots I placed them the day I came home from work after I had a fall. They remind me of the joy I used to have in my center doing what I did. I have always enjoyed being a part of the energies and enviroment we would create at the stores. One thing I will say with open honest heart, I worked for this company for many a year. Had some terrific times and met so many wonderful people - doing what I do best - share my passion with so many like-minded and kindred.
I walk this Path, with passion for life and peace. I pray for world peace and pray for them hungry and without shelter. I pray for my own forgiveness. I pray and weep for what my eye orb's see and what I hear in my one ear hole. I walk this path in search of humble grace with every step I take...and then it is, I should share the gifts of visions and understandings.
The sights, thoughts, sounds and dreams are all different now. Oh God, Yes, I still have passion in my center...it's just that's not me in the mirror! Oh my Dear Great Spirit!!
Walking the Path, giving my pony a rest...
love, peace and grace,
Mario
The rains and cool weather are approaching us from up North of here. Not so cool at this moment, but there is plenty wet from the rains - sometimes torrential down pours. I am thankful and Mother Earth here on the preserve is pleased, as the grass and pine tree...all of our plant life have suffered from a rather long dry spell. I am so very thankful. Yes, I am a tree hugger. Am a member of PETA maybe twelve or so years too.
The noises in my head are very loud tonight...Vietnam War era helecopters circle about within my right-good-bad-ear...the steady whooomp-whooomp-whooomp-whooomp. Yes, I know there's a third "o". I added it because this is what I am hearing - "right" now at 1148 pm Thursday evening. I am dizzy +7 and nausea +5. Earlier today, I heard a voice from behind me. Please, I am home alone. I had to brush it off, let me brush it off.
I had to take a mid-day nap earlier this afternoon. I had cried myself into an exhausted state of being. Slept for close to four hours...a sleep so deep, I had to fight to awake. I wonder if this was remnets of last week's attack. I don't know. Have cried off and on this afternoon and tonight while Brenda has been home. Some of these tears were shed out of fear and saddness as I had been informed someone of Relation had a stroke and it was required he go to hospital. Prayer requests were sent out. He is someone my family and I have just been reunited with along with my dear Aunt and cousins back in July. Honestly, I was so afraid for Uncle and all of his family. We just reunited back in July! My Mom's Clan. I love them so very dearly...and by the way, Uncle coming back strong!
Today was a grey and rainy day all day...a fitting day for a good cry or few, no matter what the issue. Grey days remind me of the coffee houses I worked with...cried about all those folks who crossed my path...it still hurts my spirit to know that my coffee company had to release me. Still have not been able to wrap this around my head. And to release me while out on a disabilty leave due to a disease I did not invite into my life cuts deeply...
...my apron and ball cap sit in the same spots I placed them the day I came home from work after I had a fall. They remind me of the joy I used to have in my center doing what I did. I have always enjoyed being a part of the energies and enviroment we would create at the stores. One thing I will say with open honest heart, I worked for this company for many a year. Had some terrific times and met so many wonderful people - doing what I do best - share my passion with so many like-minded and kindred.
I walk this Path, with passion for life and peace. I pray for world peace and pray for them hungry and without shelter. I pray for my own forgiveness. I pray and weep for what my eye orb's see and what I hear in my one ear hole. I walk this path in search of humble grace with every step I take...and then it is, I should share the gifts of visions and understandings.
The sights, thoughts, sounds and dreams are all different now. Oh God, Yes, I still have passion in my center...it's just that's not me in the mirror! Oh my Dear Great Spirit!!
Walking the Path, giving my pony a rest...
love, peace and grace,
Mario
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Folks, I read a dictionary...+ a note to Santa
As of early this afternoon, I am now able to say that for the first time in my life, I have read a dictionary. From the letter A,a, through the letter Z.z. Read every word, every definition and proper pronunciation.
Thus, the title of this entry. Folks, I read a dictionary. Oh yes, I did. It was "The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary," and it was a true reading experience. I found incorrect spellings. Incomplete definitions, words within definitions that the "dictionary" did not have definitions for. I found a racially twisted definition and definitions that were more like justifications or printing vague definitions.
This experience was and is a truly different reading material for me. I did enjoy it and I even highlighted special words or definitions, and yes, the errors too. I had to. So, it's like this: I did say I enjoyed it, but I am irritated as all get out with the way my customer satisfaction is concerned.
I purchased this book to read and learn. I did...but I did not, en'it?
...Now I want more...maybe if I'm a good boy Santa will bring me one for Christmas. Oh, Santa! If you see this blog/note, I have been a good boy! No, REALLY! And all I want is a dictionary I can read, enjoy and learn from. Please, Santa, not one of those that weigh so dang much I might could pull a muscle in my back...you know which ones I'm talking about Santa! I miss you very much! I will see you real soon!
Walking the Path...
...it's only me, Mario
Thus, the title of this entry. Folks, I read a dictionary. Oh yes, I did. It was "The New International Webster's Standard Dictionary," and it was a true reading experience. I found incorrect spellings. Incomplete definitions, words within definitions that the "dictionary" did not have definitions for. I found a racially twisted definition and definitions that were more like justifications or printing vague definitions.
This experience was and is a truly different reading material for me. I did enjoy it and I even highlighted special words or definitions, and yes, the errors too. I had to. So, it's like this: I did say I enjoyed it, but I am irritated as all get out with the way my customer satisfaction is concerned.
I purchased this book to read and learn. I did...but I did not, en'it?
...Now I want more...maybe if I'm a good boy Santa will bring me one for Christmas. Oh, Santa! If you see this blog/note, I have been a good boy! No, REALLY! And all I want is a dictionary I can read, enjoy and learn from. Please, Santa, not one of those that weigh so dang much I might could pull a muscle in my back...you know which ones I'm talking about Santa! I miss you very much! I will see you real soon!
Walking the Path...
...it's only me, Mario
Thoughts of this morning...
...I think it's me...
Had a visit with my Mr. Psych this morn, which is a visit that's usually way too brief, but I suspect Doc took an extra few for me today. I am thankful. In my core there was a need for this that I was clueless about...until I left and have had a while to digest our exchange...our talk.
We went over all that Sir Dude and I spoke of yesterday...almost an hour of FYI all crammed up into twenty or so minutes! Usually it's like that too! But today, time seemed to ease up on me for a spell...so much said, so many emotions, so much heard, so much stirred...so much talk.
The past two mornings have been very productive...much has been accomplished. I would like to believe, but damn, too much talk!
While at Dr. Psych's office, I felt as if there was some form of vacuum attached to the underside of my chair draining and pulling my energies down and away. I left there feeling subdued and spent and actually in a different place (inside) than when we arrived for my visit. Oh yes, we had a productive talk.
There's this piece or part of me that believes I dropped the ball again. Today. Did I take my all to the plate. Oh God, I want to believe I do and that I did this morning! Me and my talk...
...it's me...
Had a visit with my Mr. Psych this morn, which is a visit that's usually way too brief, but I suspect Doc took an extra few for me today. I am thankful. In my core there was a need for this that I was clueless about...until I left and have had a while to digest our exchange...our talk.
We went over all that Sir Dude and I spoke of yesterday...almost an hour of FYI all crammed up into twenty or so minutes! Usually it's like that too! But today, time seemed to ease up on me for a spell...so much said, so many emotions, so much heard, so much stirred...so much talk.
The past two mornings have been very productive...much has been accomplished. I would like to believe, but damn, too much talk!
While at Dr. Psych's office, I felt as if there was some form of vacuum attached to the underside of my chair draining and pulling my energies down and away. I left there feeling subdued and spent and actually in a different place (inside) than when we arrived for my visit. Oh yes, we had a productive talk.
There's this piece or part of me that believes I dropped the ball again. Today. Did I take my all to the plate. Oh God, I want to believe I do and that I did this morning! Me and my talk...
...it's me...
Monday, November 1, 2010
...thoughts on the morning...
This morning was a well-paced therapeutic journey, with my morning starting early and prepared for Miss. P.T...we did push the physical me, which provoked symptoms of dizziness, nausea and perspiration, as if I had just completed a quick jog to the corner to catch the ice cream man and back - which is a sad situation en'it? I can't run. Once I caught my breath and balance, I felt good and positive energies...to work and push muscles that have grown too placid...to feel my muscles. What? But now, I contemplate, did I really push the envelope? Was there more I could have done...why didn't we take a walk about? Why didn't I assert myself and ask why not? We'll walk about next session. This I am certain of.
Sir Dude, my Mental Health Care Team Member, was able to see me with a right away approach and we had a good session. There was something, though, that kept it from being an excellent visit and session. I feel I missed out or something slipped in my skull that did not get worked on...or at times was not there in mind, spirit, and body...my energies scattered. I feel as if I have left my Sir Dude thinking (and I thinking) that I could have done more to push and work it. The heavy sense of disappointment is beating a drum in my heart...sending me a message, and I'm positive this will be translated soon. This was my bad. Not Sir Dude's. I know he came ready and prepared. Even got me in session a bit early and we had a very good exchange. There was something I did not take to the plate and I'll figure this shit out.
Alright then, Sir Dude assigned homework, and I will look up and read daily Native American prayers, my prayers, and pray to remember there are millions of folks out there dying every day from their diseases...all over our Earth Mother, everyday! I will pray to remember to be thankful for where I am on this trail...I will pray, too, for my relations to have patience with me, and pray that I too will learn to have more patience with I and I. Oh, Lord.
Dr. Psych and I will meet in the morrow at eleven.
I thank them both...my Mental Health Care Team mates...and me, Mario
Sir Dude, my Mental Health Care Team Member, was able to see me with a right away approach and we had a good session. There was something, though, that kept it from being an excellent visit and session. I feel I missed out or something slipped in my skull that did not get worked on...or at times was not there in mind, spirit, and body...my energies scattered. I feel as if I have left my Sir Dude thinking (and I thinking) that I could have done more to push and work it. The heavy sense of disappointment is beating a drum in my heart...sending me a message, and I'm positive this will be translated soon. This was my bad. Not Sir Dude's. I know he came ready and prepared. Even got me in session a bit early and we had a very good exchange. There was something I did not take to the plate and I'll figure this shit out.
Alright then, Sir Dude assigned homework, and I will look up and read daily Native American prayers, my prayers, and pray to remember there are millions of folks out there dying every day from their diseases...all over our Earth Mother, everyday! I will pray to remember to be thankful for where I am on this trail...I will pray, too, for my relations to have patience with me, and pray that I too will learn to have more patience with I and I. Oh, Lord.
Dr. Psych and I will meet in the morrow at eleven.
I thank them both...my Mental Health Care Team mates...and me, Mario
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