Sir Dude, My Therapist, On Thursday, 02 02 2012

I stepped in from doing a wee bit of gardening. Out of doors for a few minutes is good for me. Rather like free medication. I love my Mr. Gripper to deaf too, Honey! Hold my cane with one hand and use Mr. Gripper with the other. Thankfully, I am fully functional with both hands. Comes in "handy", you know? Yeah-yeah, boooo on the pun! Ha!

Was able to hum, listen to the different birds and see the butterfly's pass on by. Had my three body guards with me. Hershel aka Thong-Tong, Ting-Ting aka Abigail and Chi-Chi Rodriguez aka Petey. It was such a pleasure to see them all facing different directions - panting as if it was Summer out there. Watching my back, making sure I don't get troubled by some trouble maker I reckon. Ting-Ting, keeps a close eye on my state of health. If she notices I am off balance or uncoordinated, she makes a dash over to me. What a Crew! I'm one of them, you know? Talk about unconditional love...

I have coordinated an appointment for a face-to-face with Sir Dude, my therapist for this Thursday, 02 Feb. 2012. Unfortunately way to much time has passed and I am in a position to really need some time alone in my other safe place. I miss the connection with Sir Dude, the empowerment that he bestows upon me is rich and the recharge of my batteries, which have been running on low for so long, are due. It pains me to know that between finances and inconsistent means of transport, I have had to really pick and choose very carefully who it is I visit on a certain date and time. Yes, it's frustrating but what am I to do? I ask, I beg, I kiss ass...

...I have not seen my pulmonolgist since November. I think? And I am aware this much time should not pass between time shared with this very special doctor and friend of mine. My lungs explain this to me every day. So, I take breathing treatments and keep my emergency inhaler by my side at all times. Asthma, it's a bitch when One can't breath. I know.

The lump on my Mr. Man, has returned. Afraid of transportation issues, I have gone with out communicating this with She-Who-Has-Cut-My-Junk, once before. Made me scream out loud too! Like a banshee, I say, when she hit that damned nerve! Shit happens, I suppose. It did that day.

I failed to mention above that I pray for transport to my appointments...

...don't know if I have shared this yet or not, but I have applied for transportation assistance with our Metro Mass Transit system. The bus is a bit shorter than the regular bus's, but it means me no difference. If approved and God, Please, make it so, for this aid - my transportation Blues will be addressed so good and proper. Permit me to maintain the responsibility to my better health and self.

I sit here with great anticipation for this visit! My brother-in-law, BIL, has approved the request for transportation and I am thankful and blessed.

By the way, yes, I do visit a therapist. Please, no shame about that here! Hell, I am a fortunate one.

Sir Dude, Thursday it is! At 1530 sharp!

Please, Hush Hush...

...I see One found and crossed My Path by typing in the words "suicide, meniere's". I may share today that I have been there. Yes you see, I had the thoughts and premeditated demise much too many times.

I feel certain that just as it is so easy for me to see the STATS on this blog - there must be STATS somewhere, someplace of those who decided to act on their thoughts and premeditation's because of the Meniere's Disease...

...Meniere's Disease, is an invisible disease that eats away at some us who carry this disease every fucking day of our lives. Yes, there is no doubt that many of us with this disgusting life interrupting scenario's have statistics somewhere. Shit, there's statistics showing how many Folk's have this BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, it's an implant. What?! Sometimes the all of the disease dictates the activities of a day-to-day life - sometimes, this routine of nausea, vomiting or not, sweating like a horse, the dizziness that depletes the energy from within...

...this sounds and noises, the Worms that live on both of my head now, a deaf ear that forgets it's Deaf, balance and coordination issues - everyfuckingday?! Really! There are times when enough is enough! Com' on, already!

Please, hush hush and let me listen to the silence.

This country maintains statistics on how many Women die from Breast Cancer. Ode to Nancy!  Same with Men and our prostate cancers. Skin Cancer, like the one's scraped off my face. Multiple Melanoma's - the Bones Cancer has it's own statistics. My dad died from that one.

Please God! No more statistics! Let there be CURE'S!

Please, hush hush. Listen quietly to the breeze make music passing through my Pine in the South West lawn...please, hush hush...

The Pentagon has STATS on how many of our Military have been killed. How they were killed. How many of our Brothers and Sisters in uniform have killed themselves. This is something that haunts me everyday. Knowing that OUR government maintains these numbers and does little to aid and or assist. It would be right to have aid numbers rolling on a ticker tape at the bottom of the television when the News reporter, shares these fucked up statistics.

We have statistics that reflect , how many of us Survivors Of Rape, Sexual Abuse and Incest, have committed the suicide. Statistics that show how many "Gay Folks", that live in my Spirit's, took that step off the top of a tall parking garage. Or slit their pulsing artery of the right wrist. Them who pulled the trigger or lie on Rail Road tracks, because of this society. Bullying. Hatred.

Oh, by the way the term "Gay Folks", is mine. Gay Folks, includes every aspect of the Gay Community...

...Encompasses the Spectrum of OUR Rainbow. The Rainbow that is a reflection of we all...

...if we all would just please, hush hush! And listen...

So much bitterness on this planet known as Mother Earth! Too much WAR! We execute one another every day of every week and so on. We have statistics for this and statistics for Black on Black slaughter. Genocide of Indians here in this, OUR country. Genocide in parts of Africa. Genocide in Central America. Genocides of the old Czech Republic. Shit! Folks, this is the year of Our Lord, 2012! And we still commit outrages against one and another?! 

The All of Me and many who have crossed My Path, Kindred, and of the so many of us Folks who pray and believe in fellow Woman/Man Kind. That we will see an International Love and Respect Organization someday. One that would include  every aspect of the Earth Mother as one large community.

I bet there's statistics on folks out there, who like me can imagine such a community. And keep the Faith. Grace. Walking My Path, while I work diligently every day of my life,  to not become just another statistic. Honestly. I promise.

Please, hush hush...

me

Am Not Prepared For This Good-Bye

Relations,

I am dressed and prepared to go visit Nancy for the final time. Spend a few minutes with her wonderful family. To say my prayers and contemplate.

I realize I got a chance to be a part of such a brilliant persons life. I know this was a blessing. I am the fortuitous one...

...she was a blast to work with! I remember how much I depended on her, she never ever let me down. It was a joy to be able to spend time with one who was a teen when I first met her. I always looked forward to seeing her smile, receive a Nancy Hug and kiss. Her wisdom was well beyond her years as I would explain to her. Nancy was a blast to be around! I remember the tears of her happiness and the tears of her hurt.

Tonight, I carry the pain of having lost such an awesome energy in Nancy...

...there were times words were not even necessary. We were there for each other and that huge family we had at the store in the Big Blue Box...so many of us have been reunited over the span of time and years because of our sister. Nancy...

...her Soul long ago Forgiven, Nancy, sits with Jesus and the Virgin Mother. Along with them who passed before she and all of God's Angels.

 Them with foul intentions or bitter words will only have to eat them. God is Just and God is Great! Them who wish ill, shall bring illness to themselves and "their" family.

There is nothing Nancy ever did - BUT live a Life!! A life that I know touched thousands and thousands.

I am thankful to Great Spirit to have had our Paths Cross. All she wanted for me is to LIVE My Life! Nancy, when we exchanged energies - your Soul touched my Soul...

...Yes, my daughter, you will always be welcome here in my home and I promise you, I will live this life with mucho gusto!

Love ya Kid...

Note: This just happens to be my 400th publication. It touches my heart to have Nancy's name tip-tapped on here.

Meniere's, Time For A Face To Face With Sir Dude - Oh, Nancy

Well, why yes, I would say it is time for that face-to-face. The Sir Dude, did not return my call from last Monday...

...so I've waited a week of days to call him back. Somebody dropped the ball and it sure as hell was not me because I was the one to make the telephone call. My therapist has gone all like this with the answering service and what not...

...ummmm, shit happens I reckon.

But it's time. This is a certainty...

...on the Meniere's Disease piece...

I vomited in my mouth an hour or so ago. It's foiking gross to taste some of the dinner I had eaten hours past. Come on, damn it! The nausea remains just a bit below my apple since that episode...

...I have sweated badly off and on today. There was a spell when I thought I was feeling my energy drain from mu body. From below my feet and above my skull. No vertigo attack but this surely was absurd and troublesome. If not sweating I was perspiring or misting heavily.

I have had the dizziness range from medium low to nausea provoking speed and orientation confusion. Balance and coordination was askew...

I am askew.

The worms have spread to the right side of my skull for sure. It feels stupid when I lay down and feel the worms adjust to the way my head is laying. I mean, like.............? Toss me a bone, eh?

The sounds and noises have been the usual suspects. Sometimes I am deep in forest and hear thousands of cicadas singing harmony...

...the beep-beep-beep's that go as fast as a ticker tape at 72E...

...an occasional ring-a-ding-ding of a rail road crossing way out near the Four Corner's.

And then, I am ached and pained still from this latest Meniere's attack. My neck always seems to be the last to calm it down. Bastard neck!

Mommy, I miss you and I need a hug...

With the shaving of my curls I can see just how much He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, will be going for and the a chunk South from there. Eww-Wee...I better work this.

Sir Dude, damn it! To much time has passed. Let us get face to face soon! Please, eh?

My Spirit's are made sadder by the Crossing of one really dear and sweet Earth Angel Friend. I feel something has been lost and I don't know what to say or do. Or how to find what it is WE all have lost.

Oh, Nancy. God Bless...

Mourning And No, There Is No Preperation For This...

Losing one of your friends for life is hard. Especially when this Kindred One was so young and such a Warrior and Survivor of the cancer...

...so young and so beautiful - inside and out. So strong. Much more than I. In my head I know Nancy, crossed over to be with God and His Angels and them who had passed before her, yesterday afternoon. My heart and Spirit's still wait for the Family Game Night's. I am told Nancy crossed with an exhale and a smile. This sounds like my dear young friend, and am thankful...

...a smile when Nancy, made your acquaintance or saw you for the first time in so long and her blood beating to same beat is reunited in heart and Spirit's. Oh, what hugs, oh, what a WOman.

My Earth Angel, Nancy. In Nancy's honour I have renamed the Monarch Butterfly, Nancy...

...when Dione and I visited this past Thursday evening, I recognized Nancy was in her chrysalis. Preparing for to spread her wing's.

In mourning I have shed tears and the curls from my head. In Honour of Nancy's horrific war with cancer, this morning I removed all hair from my head. Had been awake not five minutes and knew what it was for me to do. I remember when my young friend had such long beautiful, rich black hair curly from her home land Puerto Rico...

...yes, she IS a DIVA!

Nancy, will live on in my heart, mind and Spirit's. She, even though young enough to be my daughter and really was so very daughter like to me and was such a dear faithful friend. Her memory will live on until it is my turn to go Home.

My thoughts, ceremony and prayers are with and will be with Nancy's extraordinary family for as long as the Great Spirit wishes. I am but a servant to a dear friend that left Earth Mother. Just too damned young, you see. Yesterday was a beautiful day to die! Yes! But, for someone my age, or someone like me with my illnesses and disease's...

...not a beautiful Mommy to her beautiful children. A wife to her husband...

...a sister to her sister's and her brother's.

A beautiful daughter for her Mommy and Daddy.

One of the Folk's I've crossed Paths with heart, energy and Power to make stuff happen.

Nancy, there is no doubt in my head you had gained your wings while here on Earth Mother. You simply have back-ups for the back-ups. Always the busy one. Thank you for sharing this with me. That and your love and respect...

...my Soul, will never forget your wish to stand to give me a hug and "gift me" respect...

...my dearest Nancy, forever with love, Mario

How Is It We Prepeare For The Death Of Kinfolk Or Kindred?

Relations, how is it we prepare for the death of Kinfolk, or Kindred? All Relations?

I have contemplated this question since I was a wee one, too young really to have had  the concept of death and dieing so well wrapped about my head. I have always known with-in this was a gift Blessed and gifted to me by the Great Spirit. Oh my Kindred, I knew even as a child being, who was punished time and time again and threatened with institutionalization confinement for the way I would speak or the thing's i saw. When I saw them who had Crossed. There was a strong belief and faith this young wee one had,  the Innocent mario had been provided with eyes, ears, heart and Spirit's to assist and aid through this journey of life and the walking of My Path.

It runs parallel of the Great Red Road.

I am one who has been here on Mother Earth for fifty two years as of last Fall. I have had the misfortune of having lost Kinfolk and Kindred in ways that I suspect, covers a spectrum of ways we as Spiritual Being's move on from this flesh we live in.

I have witnessed the Crossings of dozens upon dozens of deaths. Having once worked in the Medical health profession. I remember listening to the last breaths pass from their lungs. There were times when folks in my care who wished to pass quietly, without all the wires and tubes and machines, i would sit with him or her. Hold their hand, say prayers, I have sung songs for them.
I have also just sat and watched and listened to them speak or breath.

When working In emergency departments, I saw the effects of driving and boating while intoxicated. I saw what a fellow Earth being looks like when they're dieing and not ready to cross. The sight's of what street and drug "thug" life REALLY looks like.

 I had a dear friend in Miami who was murdered because he was Gay. He was a very dear fellow. Stabbed dozens and dozens of times. His mom found him at his home days later.

Our family has had the tragedy of an air plane crash that took three cousins. A father and two of his children. Our family has had to experience the death of a Kin while he was on a cruise ship holiday. Our family has had the loss of many in automobile smashes. Too many. My Grandmother Flossie, my dear Mom's Mom. Our Cherokee Grandmother, who was with her family out celebrating my Mother's 13th birthday smashed to death by a fucking drunk driver. She bled to death due to the injury to her neck and face.

Have had Kindred gunned down, stabbed to death, drown, electrocuted and due to suicide.

My baby Brother David died by an over-dose of heroin, used as a Mule by some fucked up Colombians. Dave crossed over to protect his family. There were so many balloons in my brothers stomach. All it took was the one to bust. He made connections with my Dad and Mom, laid around the house and messing around the way only Dave could. Then he went to bed. Fell asleep and never woke up...

...this was lightening striking my heart! It was as if a piece of me died that day. I know a piece of my mom, Dad and all of us his sibling felt the same. That day while on the telephone with my sister who made that call, all I could do was drop to the ground, cry, and howl...

...I laid there and let my face feel the heat from the car port and let me heart melt into my Earth Mother. I felt the beat and watched and listened to the birds in the tree.

My Dearest Mom, died of massive heart attack that took her from us while we were waiting in the waiting lounge to see her afterwards. The doctors were doing a corrective surgery that went bad. My Baby Sister Linda had gone to Wendy's to get mom a salad because Mom was hungry and wanted a salad after the operation. We were not prepared for what was to happen at that hospital that evening.

It was like lightening striking our family again. Mom?

Okay, wait. You see, all of what I have just shared are the Crossing's of kinfolk and Kindred that occurred "SHIT!" out of the blue clear sky! Lightening on a cloudless beautiful day at the beach type of shock. NO MOM!!! NO DAVE!! NO WAIT!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Type of Crossing's.

And we all have our own way of mourning. Damned, you don't know how many times I had to listen to this during periods of mourning. Please. I am well aware of how to walk and work my way through it. Feeling the pain, anger, and grief. Oh, my heart...

...i watch and I listen.

Relations, the death I talk of now are those that we may have a period of time to assist our Kin through the processes while we deal with it in our Spirit's. My Spirit'. How do we prepare for the death of our Relations?

I watched my Grandfather, leave this life with a bitterness that haunts me to this day. I was there and looked in his eyes as he fought angrily to remove tubing from his face and arms. His children were near, but his grandson was present and I believe he was pissed off something down right bad. What was I to do but repeat the Rosary aloud...

...until the Nursing staff and physicians came rushing in to let him pass over. I watched and listened.

My four beautiful sister's and I were there to be with our dad when he died from the Cancer that ate him to death. A once four hundred pound man down to a skeleton and flesh. Oh, my heart.
We were there to see dad reach out to take hold of God's Hand...

...in my Spirit, I suspect Mom and all the Elders were there to greet and welcome Dad home too.

My dearest Grandmother is 91 years of age. She is frail and often ill. So I try to see her when I am able. I would love to spend more time with the WOman who was once the most important WOman to me. My dearest Abuela Mary, I love you so, my Dear.

Today, I prepare for the Crossing of a very dear friend. A beautiful young WOman who is a daughter, wife and mother. My Sweet Friend has the cancer and she has had many battles, but soon, this cancer will have eaten her alive too...

...the memories of our Paths crossing and the years we worked hard together and the laughs and her tears when she would come to me for a shoulder to cry on. My arms to give her a hug and a kiss - as a father would hug and kiss his daughter's. Having said that, I am free to say that our friendship has always been as if we were daughter and father. I love you Nancy. Always have and always will. God Bless this beautiful angel we have here for just a brief time more.

I wonder still how is it we prepare for the death of our Kindred...

...I see and I listen.

Please note that this was written straight forward like. As my heart beat pumped blood through my being - my thoughts from my Heart, Mind and Spirit's have been tip-tapped onto here and now I set them loose.

Can any understand where it is my eyes and ears have been? What I have heard and seen?

I have no more to say.

My heart is heavy and bad.





 

Meniere's Talking, 25 Jan 2012, A Follow Up

It has been an odd day indeed, a peculiar day and I am thoroughly exhausted form it. My body aches from the top of my skull to the tip toe. These pains are not an uncommon side-effect of a vertigo attack. Actually, for me, this is common place post vertigo attack symptom.

That's the Meniere's talking...

I like these two words. I know these two words intimately. Meniere's talking. Someone found this blog simply by writing "Meniere's talking". I know what it's like to have to listen to this every single day of life.

...yes, I listened and I've learned while I listened to the Meniere's talk and move into my body and being.

Let me get back to today real quick like. I have been in some phase of sweating, perspiration or misting all damned day. I think like a Horse sometimes. The bandanna on the crown is to keep the tears from my bald head from getting into my eye orbs. The sweating is the Meniere's talking...

My balance and coordination pieces have been poor. Too many bumps, trips, and stumbles. I had no choice but to be on high alert. There have been three times when I held still and my right foot looked and seemed as if it continued on stepping. With this, my brains apparently passed wind and adjusted. What a disgusting experience. Very similar to a symptom of the on set of a vertigo attack. I was blessed to have had whatever that was going on - keep going on...

...with this Meniere's talking...

Which brings me to the noises and sounds between my Deaf Left and the Hard of Hearing one over here making the clack-clack-clack of this toy I had as a teen. It was very popular in the early 1970's - two large glass orbs that one would use the ring in center of the string to create a motion that would cause the orbs to clack-clackity-clack all damned day! Then and last night and this afternoon. Yes, back to back days. It happens frequently. And remember, I have shared that the noises will run simultaneously - with two different sounds.  Besides these damned clackers, I have had : wait, the clack-clacks happening.............there have been the sounds of a submarine in distress...

...drifting aimlessly about...

...sending out a sad a fading SOS. Many huge crickets and cicadas, so loud and distracting. Now, that I say this - this reminds me I am particularly vulnerable during this and the balance piece.

Damned Meniere's talking!

The Worms struck the right side of my skull for what might have been the first time. The twitch in my right eye is embarrassing. And speaking of which, Skyp, showed me what a freaking lazy eye and eye lid I have on the left side. I mean, like, no body warned me! Yes, I look in the mirror everyday, just like most of us. I just never saw it "on camera" before. Ole Lefty Eyed!

As I explained to He-Who-Touched-My-Brains, assistant early today, for the first time ever I have had the attack accompanied by a bad case of the liquid bowel movements. Like really bad. I am puzzled.

Meniere's talking here for Pete's damned sake!

Broke fast last night. A good fast.

This is all.

The MLK that's never quoted

Today is 25 January 2012. From the New York Times, "Debt aid reveals racial biases", A study finds blacks often end up in more costly bankruptcies than whites..........from the Associated Press, coming out of Bridgeport, Conn., "Four police officers arrested in abuse of Hispanics in Conn.", Four police officers, including the president of the local police union were arrested for excessive force against and made life miserable for Hispanics! The Department of Justice has launched an inquiry.

I have had Kinfolk and other Folk get in my face about this way I speak. It is not my problem - it is theirs and their white kinfolk problem. I simpy say what many Folks are afraid to say! I talk the truth about White America, because I have seen, smelled and lived it. I am a Mixed Breed and damnit, I was able to see and hear it all. So please, just don't.

...don't tell me White America has changed when we still have this absurd bull shit going on.

America be warned

Oh Me, Oh My, Thank You Mr. President Obama

Moments from having listened, enjoyed and observed an awesome The State of The Union Address, by MY President Obama, my energies and faith has been up-lifted. My confidence level in President Obama has always been high, but there was something special in the air tonight.

I thought it brilliant when the camera zeroed in on one Old Crusty Raisin who uttered the word's, "Wow, that's your job", while applauding with his fake face on. I noticed ABC, never identified this individual. Too bad, I think I would have enjoyed sending a little Sweet Southern note and comment.

What I saw in the theater today was more color than I've ever seen in my ENTIRE life. The WOmen with the pretty dresses, full of colour and decor...

...and the people of color! Black, Red, Yellow, Brown and White! Crusty Raisins too!

When I was a boy and well into my teens and early adulthood, that House was predominately black and white...

...that was the colour of the suits the Old Crusty Raisins wore. Not an ethnic mix.

Again, thank you, President Obama. Oh me, oh my, you'll always be President Obama in my Home. Always! Even though some of them who have visited my Lodge hold grudges and gnash their teeth behind their two or three faces because I have a photograph of you on the wall facing the front door as One would walk in. Oh me, oh my, that's their problem, en'it?

God, please Bless MY president as he continues to lead our country...

...and God Bless America!

This is all I have to say.

Waking Blue Is So Easy To Do - Bust Open The Network

Had awoken from a several hour sleep that seemed to zap energy rather than replenish It. Sadly, I woke up in a pretty blue state of mind and heart. After shedding a few - I made a call to Brenda to assist with the disengaging. I knew where I was directed and wanted to direct the energies from going anywhere blue or worse.

Brenda and I had a very pleasant albeit brief chat, her being at work and such sort of made it so. Brenda had mentioned that maybe a step outside would be nice. So I considered this recharge by the Sun and it's energy.

Shortly after, as within minutes I was on the telephone with a very dear Niece. We were able to connect via telephone and had awesome conversation for just about one half hour. Spoke of just about anything that came to our minds...

...exchanging peace, love and understanding. Good medicine.

Shortly after we disconnected, I called my Brother Jimbo, in Alabama, who is the father of my niece and here daughter, the Movie Star. I had called first learned of the horrific storms and destruction in Alabama. I just wanted to hear his voice and listen to him speak. My good-bad-ear-to-my-heart was full of gladness and blessing's. Sounds like a reunion might be headed this way come late Spring. No, i didn't just say that really, because we (me, my alters and Jim-Bob) don't want any jinx's round here no more. Great Spirit, you Blessed me with one awesome Friend-For-life right here. Forever, I am thankful. Our hearts and are Spirit's are from with-in the blood. I'll have ceremony. Yes...

...exchanging peace, love and understanding. Good medicine.

I then called my Brother Curtis down South of here a piece. Curtis and I are also Life Long Friends - He and his family are Kin to mine and I. Our Paths crossed back in the Summer of 1988. Since then the beat and the blood is the same. We, as in he and his wife and Brenda and I, have watched our children grow from tiny little humans to the responsible and faithful adult children they are today. I thinking two of his son's are taller than me. Ha! Life!

There's this sweet synchronicity thing cooking in the jerk sauce here because it just settled in my head that both of my fine friends are from Islands. Guam and The Bahama's...

...exchanging peace, love and understanding. Good medicine.

...irie...

...disengaged too!

I say no more, say no more.

.

Oh wait! I did step out of door's, by the way! Took my snip's out and did a couple few snips on a bush in my garden. Thanks for the idea dearest spouse-o-mine!

"Networked it right good and proper right there"! Busted it wide open too! Ha!

Ha!

Meniere's Attack Update: 24 January 2012

Peace to all Kindred and Relations.

Am here for just a few to update my status with this most recent vertigo attack from hell. Won't be too long as my plan's are for a quick return to my safe place.

Something I didn't mention on the yesterday was one especially disturbing noise that came from my right ear. This came about sometime right before I had drifted off into self-induced sleep and am certain this is the first time experiencing the dreadfully loud "zzzzweeeeeee" drilling noise from a dentist tool. Laying on my right side - which is on my right Hard of Hearing ear, this noise came about so swiftly and loudly I raised my head to see if the noise was coming from with-in my room, home or neighbourhood. It was so freaking LOUD! And no it was not from outside - it was coming from with-in my ear. So I laid my head back down and listened to it until it went away. (Was so hoping it was a noise from outside of my body)

Neither did I mention that my eye sight was affected by the attack. It was difficult to focus on my point and have had visual side affects since then. Not the first time to occur and am sure this won't be the last...

...I think I see where this is going a little bit clearer now.

The vertigo attack was severe enough to render the use of my walker necessary over the quad cane when out of doors. Here at home I use the quad cane and use the walls to aid my walk when necessary. I get by. Looking back over these past four years, I don't know how I have. I get by.

Woke up this morning before the sun with a high non-productive nausea and a hyper-sensitive good-bad-right-ear-to-the-brain. This is when the hearing in my right ear has done a total flop-flip and is sensitive to any and all sound. This is not an uncommon occurrence. So, I stayed in bed an extra quarter hour to permit this to subside...

...and permit the noise and sounds between my ears time to stir. Listen to the birds in our sanctuary sing their morning song's.

The dizziness I suspect is toying with my emotions because this tipsy has not gone away. It just hasn't left yet. Soon. ?

The sleep is all that is on my mind and am in the spot where I suspect it might even be the safest place for me at this time. The dizziness is high alert for me. The consequence of a few too many falls.

My right here just "popped" out loud...

...the worms are at play and I am in such a disgusting place at this moment.

I have continued to fast. May break this tonight. Am unsure.

Time for a return to slumber and Dream World...




..........peace..............

Re: Correction of Comment

Dearest Kindred,

I find myself in the position of having to correct a comment I made recently on one of my communiques.

I had made mention of a spike in weight, when it was in fact my sugar levels that had spiked. I mean like badly. Since then I have managed very well to regain healthy numbers. Look, once I had hit 200+ a couple or three times I just knew I had to do something about this. As of this morning I am able to report my levels were at 145, which in mine eyes are better and healthier than a week or so ago. By the way, my hips don't lie...

...my weight is actually quite well and on the "decline" as well. For the first time in many years I am feeling comfortable in a size XXL. Um, naw boo, after perhaps one decade and one half of years wearing the XXXL shirts, this feels so good on my skin and shape shifting arms, chest and shoulders. Ahhh, what a pleasant report and not too bad a correction of comment either.

This is all.

Menerie's Attack In The Pre-Dawn

Greeting's to all Kindred,

Am communicating and report, I had a vertigo attack yesterday morning, Sunday, the 22 January 2011 between 0500 and 0515. Was awakened by meniere's attack like none before, as I have had but a few. This one scares me because I know now that this Meniere's Disease rubbish will only worsen. This one here has made that statement absolute...

...I was stirred from sleep by this one with extreme nausea and dizziness and  was sweating profusely. I did not wake my dear bride, as I had in the past. This one let me know this was going to be me and the whole package to-boot...

...the nausea was so terrifically disgusting that I had the bile and the bile flavor from an empty stomach that stuck to my mouth, tongue and taste buds for hours. I had nothing in my stomach because I began a fast Saturday afternoon. The nausea's vomit was my bile! I would prefer a good damned vomit or few than this process of having bile come up my throat and into my mouth. To linger.

The dizziness was so severe I did not get up. I really don't want to get to involved with it. It was bad and kept me for an hour. Well into and about my self-induced sleep..huh, exhaustively induced slumber. Then off to Dream World and the company and Relations I have there...

...I lay there in my safe place and found the spot on the ceiling where I try to focus. I Kept my right leg off the side of my bed thinking that this will help me ride this damned attack out.

I try and am open to anything, you see.

Old Kindred One, I miss you. And your medicine.

The sounds were a part of this attack but did not serve as a preliminary symptom. This attack had no symptoms, it just woke me to keep it company.

So I just laid in bed holding on tightly.

I experienced this one in vulgar displeasure. The sweating. The nausea and bile, while riding the Tea Cup ride at Walt Disney World none stop for an hour plus or take a minute or two that or this way, listening to prehistoric crickets that roared - not chirp-chirp or kritty-kritty crickets play. No, these were load as an air plane propeller.

Here I am this afternoon awake because I had an appointment with my Neurologist,, She-Who-Does-Not-Intimidate-Anymore. My In-Law's picked me up and transported me to doctor. And I wanted to "holla" with my Kindred for a few.

I am not in a very good place, so please, pardon me as I say I must get back to bed. The nausea remains - the flavor of bile gone. The dizziness is tipsy and creates this desire to rest. The sounds are active and alter between one ear and the other. Beeps, roars of jet planes in my back yard, my guests the crickets and softly singing and playing is Joni Mitchell, My Special Place. There's something about Joni...

...as she sings into my right-ear-hole-to-the-brain, I can sometimes feel her lips glance my ear...

Off to sleep.

p.s.

The worms-in-my-head are busy this afternoon and pass on their respects.



 

A Change Comes To Clothing Too!

Today, no, I should say yesterday, was the first time in a week that I was able to get out of my Lodge for a while. The bride of soon to be 33 years had errands and I tagged along. Did get a little retail therapy at the Citrus Park Mall's, J.C Penney. Which did tend to satisfy some piece of my innards that releases some mystery cells to the brain. Picked up a couple-three-or-four shirts that are not t-shirts. Perhaps realizing that my part of the walk-in closet is major percentage t-shirts. Am wearing one now, 2010's Wally World "Camo" print t-shirt. Um, since 1996 or maybe it was 1998, I have made it a purpose to purchace the Camo print of the season. Yes. Even bought coordinating shorts. Please, don't judge. And don't ask. I've have been home bound since 2008 and t-shirts became my shirt of choice............representing Florida State University, kept all of my bleeding t-shirts from Starbucks Coffee Company, several Native American/Indian t-shirts from different manufacturers, and so on....... I have arrived to a place in My Path, where I think it neccssary to present myself in a different light. I mean, I'll always have my t-shirts, but maybe I'll cut out the annual "camo" print's for a year or two. Kindred, I have t-shirts I still have in their box from when purchased at Pow Wows, Sear's, concerts, and Penny's. Or over at Peace Tree Trading up in Brooksville, Florida....................................................I love my mentor and Medicine Woman, Mary and her store-in-a-log-cabin. Have always loved My Medicine Woman. Blessing's..................................................... Anyways, even though I have had a spike in weight over the past couple of months, my clothes continue to fit me properly. So, in this case I am pleased and blessed. I love the feeling of my 501's on my butt and skin, I enjoy a good pair of kahki's, and do have other types of slacks. Shorts too. I do live in Florida remember. I enjoy wearing white cotton shirts too.............. There's just something about a pair of denim and a white shirt or kahki's and a nice plaid button up - looks good with denim also. Long sleeve or short - it doesn't matter to me. Oh yes, NO polo's or pull over's. Don't know why I can wear the hell out of t-shirts but like really skip that whole polo scene. A t-shirt with a collar and three or four buttons. Nah................................... Plan on offering my Starbucks t-shirts to a couple of ole peer's I know and will donate some as well. My God, I just thought of my Bob Marley, Nirvana and Alan Jackson t-shirts..........................................oh well, one t-shirt at a time is what I say. By the way, I am a large fellow. Six foot, two inches, am with large shoulders, huge freaking skull, and am weighing about 275 pounds. With a size twelve boot. "Big and Tall" fellows usually get the shitty end of what's on the rack and I remember the frustration of shopping as a younger fellow. These t-shirts, slacks and shorts being donated will come in handy for a Big White Buffalo like me. Even though winter, I still wear my bandanas. My Navajo Ghost beads and crystal power point. We won't talk about shoes. Okay? I am worse than my wife. I'll leave it like that....................................... I am still lifting weights and am working with a kettle bar. I see and feel change in my upper body. There is a plan for loss of weight in action. To all Kindred, I wish love and peace and more peace.

Passing Me By

The day's of my youth seem to continue to pass me by with rapid succession.........I try to keep myself fresh and so clean, clean. But, shit, time keeps running past me as if I was watching the Daytona 500 in my life's glasses that give me the advantage of having four eye's. I have three ears too. Really, I do. Thus far this new format has not permitted paragraphs or my favorite, breathing.............................. Anyway's, today has been a Meniere's "stop and go" sort of day. I had moments in time when I felt well enough and made myself walk..................................even if it was just to let the hounds run amuck in the back yard or to look at the weeds growing in my gardens, which is beginning to work my nerves something wicked because I don't enjoy seeing and being reminded of how long it's been since I have last had a sweet long spell of smoothe sailing with this damned Meniere's. So much of my youthfull day's dash pass me as seconds to a minute............................................. It's just that Meniere's, "Occupys", my entire whole being when the shit hits the fan and I have an attack of this maddening Meniere's Vertigo. This is when the fan gets hit from both side's you see. Life become spans of lost time and the loss of energy. Loss of so much time! Time won't give me time, when these days of my youth speed past me like a shooting Star........................ Just sleep this off, dude! Just sleep it off dude! Just fuckin' sleep it off Mario! You'll feel better soon.... As the very being of who I Am, the youthfullness within........................................................ ........................................................me..................................................... .....................................pass me by................................................................

Adjusting To Change

Howdy You All! Just a quick note to let you know I have decided to keep this new format that was up graded by blogger.com. I have no choice but to adjust and am finding some of this change fun. I really have been like this goofy most of my day's here on Earth Mother, when it comes to change. There have been times when change was absolutely dreadful and was met with extreme anxiety.... ....but, I suspect this is rather like learning something new and has been an educational adventure. Too. There has been much frustration and some blogger.com blogger dissapoint. I have communicated my issue the best I can via the formula - but, damnit let me say this, "ALL I WANT TO DO IS SPEAK WITH A FELLOW HUMAN BEING"! Five minutes is all I need. To have a talk. Five minutes. Maybe less. Yes! HA! I've got to laugh it off sometimes or I'll go mad. I'm such the novice when it comes to this connecting with other's, via the Blogger and the Facebook. I think I was even getting to feeling smooth operations. Nope! Understand this please, sometimes, this is the most of a connection I may get the whole day long. Really. I can't find the word/spell check here yet. Dang it! Look, there has been a seed planted though. Somewhere here in the crevices of my brains. I will not give up until this mystery is solved and the issues resolved. In the mean time, I'm going to continue learning this new process. So, not only will I adjust to change, I will embrace the very change that has got my thongs all-a-twisted. Stop.

Meniere's Disease, Time and I

Sunday night I had the never ending roaring of junk noise going on in my Deaf Left Ear. On the Monday, I had this burst of strength and pushed too hard, tasked to much. My body remains sore and achy from what ever tasks it was I did. Or the repetitions of lifting my new fifteen pound bar bell. Bleeding bastards who manufacture these products have us by the privates, because if one wants to increase as our body say do - it's like getting penalized for wanting to get healthier and stronger as a Spirit, passing through time wanting to be a stronger Spirit. To much time from Sunday, since and through yesterday, the 18 January 2012, has been spent sleeping a chunk of my breathing life away. From the world and My Path, too. I am embarrassed about this. Looking back, I do remember feeling like this way too many times. It's as if a piece of me feels bitter about losing out on so much life and living. I still get here to this point of frustration. I guess... ...on the 17th, which was Tuesday, I listened a continuous beep that lasted for just about three hours. I sat through some of it and laid down to waive my anymore awake time. Today, the roaring of "white noise", is not deafening in my Deaf ear. It's almost as if these sounds have a pulse of their own. There has been nothing to work or anything I have tried to keep my ears peacefully still for but even a respite. Only on rare occassion will my Deaf Left Ear, provide me that repite. Yesterday, I slept much, perhaps two/three hours shy of being a twenty something hour sleep. It does not matter how I look at this. It is simply too much sleep. My body sends me off to Dream World to keep me from having to be tortured by all of the damned noises and sounds I have to listen to. Every day. Of my life. I still have not found an ear plug to be inserted from the inside out. Other than being Deaf. Nope! Because I still have the damned noises living in my head. For the exclusive use of the party/person who inhabits this body. And yes, there have been a few times when I have asked them in my company "can you here that?"... ...no and never do. Boo-Hoo. The silence comes and goes from my right ear. As it wishes. There is no good reason that I can think of for anybody's hearing should up and turn itself off out of the blue clear sky. We were not made like that, you see. There isn't an off and on switch to control that piece. The only reasoning I might think of is that the Hard of Hearing on the right ear is getting worse. Speaking of which, this has been especially problematic over the past few months and really poor over the past week or so. Progressively worse. This is in fact, an issue that has been a part of the Meniere's Disease, that's alive in my skull and dwelling within my ear's. The nausea is at a medium high today. Like mid-throat and in my case just above the area I can not touch with my longest finger. It does not help the cause when I listen to my bride, hurling in the restroom. She had to come home early today due to the nausea and a case of the liquid bowels. That's a crappy scenerio right there, I say out of a true empathy. Oddly enough, I'll have to say honestly that I'll keep what's going on with-in me. At least I know what is creating my gagging... ...the dizziness that is alway's on my mind and in my head. I have no choice but to Thank God, for my quad cane and walker. On the easy dizzy day's I do as much as I can while I feel "straight", and do attempt to task or do crafts and cermony. There have been times this week when I've been too dizzy to walk or have had to deal with the loss of coordination and balance issues. I've got scratches and am brused. The Human Bumper Car has been hanging around. The Bastard. The Worms have been very active this week. I am taking medication as ordered, yet these sensations continue. This is one of the queerest things I've had to deal with. Have the left side of my head just up and feel as if there's Earth Worms living under the hair root's... ...please, this shit ain't normal, Honey. Speaking of medications, I take them all. Every last cute and pretty one. Every good damned day. And yes, I meant to say good damned day. I have realized I must maintain a good damned attitude about these pills and capsules I eat. I am alive today. I woke up this morning. Some Folk's didn't.... ...so maybe even with all of the sweating and this ring around my collar, and the nausea, dizziness and all of the shit that goes on with this Meniere's Disease, I am above ground. Which may even make for an awesome day. Nice, a good damned awesome day! I send peaceful thoughts and a hope and wish you too have a good damned awesome day! Today, I shall say it's about good damned time. John Wayne! Get your ass over here it's time to get ready for a stroll! What? Oh yes, in case you have not been introduced, John Wayne is my Warrior Pony with beautiful markings and can run for miles and miles with out rest. He's my friend too. We speak often as I brush him down. Okay.... This is all.

More blogger/Google Issues

Relations, I once again must report there are issues with my blogg on my AOL account. I have reported to Blogger and hope to have resolved within the next 24 hours. I had gone to update and redesign my blogg when - "poof", cow chips hit the fan. Please pardon any dust during the construction of a Newer and Current model of this, Mario's Path. Peace and love, to one and all.

Kinfolk, It Does Not Matter Anymore

I wanted to send this out to my Kinfolk, locally and abroad, with one simple purpose in mind, that being I don't care anymore whether you read these words or not. I know there are several that do and I am more than happy and glad about this. There's just this something inside my Center that enjoys connecting with Kinfolk and Kindred so very much. There really doesn't even have to be an exchange - just knowing is all that matter's to me. Something I'll admit though, is that it hits me square in my testicles to know there are so damned many kinfolk who are really so self-absorbed with themselves that they don't care OR love their Kinfolk. I heard a message from one of my dearest Aunt's this week and I appreciate that very much Tia, but really. Really? I feel a connection with some, while with others, as they have walked within feet of me at the mall and not even utter a word my way, there's a disconnect. Can you feel what I share? Then so it is, this is the way I shall have to live. My up-bringing was different. I see these Kinfolk, and know they lack in their life and it's sad to me. Where is the respect and love for what is in the blood? So be it, then.

I Still Miss My Starbucks Coffee Co.

I came across some old Starbuck's paper work while doing Winter tasks, an hour or so ago. I sat down and looked over figures and numbers and budgets and it stirred me up some. It sort of took bits and pieces of me back to 2006. Number's, names and memories of so many wonderful Kindred. I still become melancholy when I let myself get too involved with them...

...my memories.

Crying still happens and I still very much remain faithful to that wonderful company that provided me with so many fantastic experiances. Yes, sure there were a few times when there might have been drama, scandal, and anxiety, but good-goodness, the good times and fun far out weighed the negative bull chips that come with every job...

...and look, it does not matter if One's team is an all male staff or an all female staff or mixed of both. Nor the matter of just how diverse in race relations, sexual orientations or religious beliefs a team One might create and or creates. There will and always be drama and scandal. I think it's a part of the fabric of life, honestly. Seems to add a bit of colour and character to the ambiance of running a succesful Coffee Shop. The urgency is how I as manager resolved and kept cloaked the drama's, while keeping peace which kept the smiles on the faces of our parnters, as we were called at Starbucks, or our assoicates eles where. It all comes down to ensuring that our work mates assist one another to be positive and energetic when in contact with each other and most importantly our customer's...

...when a customer receives the vibe's of all work mates working as a team and creating an awesome product, our customer's leave with good energy, a happiness with their awesome cup of coffee or tea in hand and a smile on their face. Oh, what a feeling!

When a manager "works" along side of his/her team, with same if not more of an urgeny to provide that awesome energy "free-of-charge", it is a bonus of the product the customer has paid for.

Oh please, let me stop. It's just that I so very much miss my Coffee Company and I miss terribly the Teams I have been a part of during my Path at Starbucks. Such comradery! The very essance of a team taking care of each other as we take care of our customers. Oh what memories. I met and made so many dear friends here at my coffee house. Many are still a part of my life and I consider myself the blessed One. So grateful I am.

When I took sick with the Meniere's Disease and breathing issues, my upper management did right by me as I had done right by them...

...and as a company, Starbucks Coffee Company took "Legendary" care of me all the way up to when it was just no longer possible to hold my position. Yes, it hurt and yes I was surprised when it happened. I had never heard of One's being released from their job on medical leave. But, Life Happen's.

Now, four years since the diagnosis of Meniere's and the operation's and proceders since and still to follow...

...the dozens of hospitalizations.

I understand now.

I just wish to say thank you Starbucks! I want to say thank you and I love you still to so many fellow partners. Thanks to those polite and very helpful partners at the corporate office and I so do wish to thank all of the Folks at UNUM for assisting and for caring. Especially, He-Who-Lives-In-Maine.

I can say this with a thankfulness and a gladness, I still love my Starbucks Coffee Company and still do enjoy that "Legendary" service with every visit. I still crave that awesome Triple Grande Cinnamon Dulce Latte!

Yes, with whip and the fairy dust on top.

Please Note!

Note: Peace!

I have published a blogg before this one that is not permitting me to Share on the fb. Really odd, never has happened before.

Please do feel free to visit the other one...The State Of The State Of Me, My Mind and I. I hope a pleasent visit.

peace,
Mario

Meniere's and My State of The Self Address, Me, My Mind and I

Salutation's, to all who have come for a wee bit of reading. Will try to be brief as I - really don't know how much I'll share. I'll simply say that this will in fact be The State of The State of The Self Address

Simple enough and then now I move on...

This menerie's is really trying to mess up an other-wise awesome and brilliant rainy and dreary and cool Florida Winter's afternoon.

I am burping and reminding myself that burping does really help in the combat of nausea. I believe in my Spirit's that this assist's me from hurling, projectile vomitage, sore throats from fighting the urge to expell the contents of my stomach, and perhaps then the worst of all is the "creep" up into my mouth. Yes. I know this is an unpleasent expression of these sypmtom's of Meniere's Disease, but I live with it every day. In the morning, noon and night. So, I burp like a Greek Seaman and I very often if not alway's, beg my pardon.

Despite the cooling of the weather and rain I am sitting hear with a ring around my collar. My shirt collar that is, I gave up leather decades ago.
But anyway's, I am between perspiration and a fine misting. So yes, there is a discomfort of the physical appearance and the emotional aspect. Yet, please, let me share that I would consider today a pleasent day compared to day's when and where, I am but a sweating white water buffalo. I don't know. Nor understand. I simply do as my Right, Good Dr. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, say's do and I am learning to go with the flow with all of my Better State of Health and Emotional Status Provider's...

...Meniere's has been a part of my life and an uninvited guest with-in my skull and reside's here in my ear's. Over four years, en'it? There were no invitations. Mr. and Mrs. Meniere's Disease do not live rent free. Only God, knows how much money has gone onto and into my skull. Dig?

Which brings me to my dizziness, which is going at a soft pace at this moment. I am appreciative of this and consider this a Blessing. There are just an unimaginable amount of day's when it is necessary I park my butt on the sofa or lay down on my bed to ride it out. I try to man it up, you see? I am feeling as if I have just left a cocktail party and am a bit tipsy from the bubbly kind of dizzy. Failed to mention the everyday-ness of this mess...

...my Deaf Left Ear has been very active all damned day. At this moment I am listening to a hectic ticking. Sound's as if someone is sending off a message in Morris Code. Tick-tickity-tick-tick-tick, sounds like a distressed top secret submarine off the coast of The Faulkland Island's...

...earlier, in today's late morning I was listening to the Rail Road Crossing Warning, go ding-ding-ding-ding and on and so on and all of this sounded as if this Crossing was in my back yard. Just on and on. For a spell I suspected I was having an attack. So gladly, nothing become of it. Other than a frustrated fellow. Yet, I am sometimes entertained by the things I hear or don't hear in a Deaf ear. Which bring's me to my Right-Good-Bad-Ear. Today has been off and on and if I had to mark a grade I would provide a C+. There have been moment's of total silence, which is nothing new for me and my ear. The sound's with-in my right ear have been semi-active as I have listened to the sounds of the Everglade's at Dawn, and have enjoyed some peaceful natural silence...

...that's when I listen as hard as I might to listen to the simple things. Thing's such as my hound's tap-tapping on the Turkish tiled floor of our lodge. Or the difference between them as this lap up their water - they all have different sounds or as I like to refer to as their own beat of drinking. Was able to hear the Sea Gull out in the preserve and listened to two Crow holla at each other. The soft sound of my wife's voice when she calls in to check on me. The voice's of my daughter's remain as they spoke when wee little and young teen's. Oh, this daddy heart of mine.

Please, can't you see, I must make short sort's of humour with all of these symptoms. All of which are thing's I and so many of us take for granted in our day to day routines. I know very damned well. I sure did! Running is one of them! I can't drive my Peaceful Traveler anymore. My auto is now my wife's. Am deaf in one and half in the other. And all of these damed sypmtoms from the meniere's. This is a sad and disturbing story from my perspective...

...I feel like the American Bald Eagle at Busch Garden's Tampa, chained to my perch. In my case, I am chained to my own inner thought's and process's. This exile has choaked me to the point of having to make some serious decisions. I lost independance over four years ago and that's a mighty long time to have One's feathers cut. Never figured my life and My Path, could or would have ever been affected as it has. But then, what can you do when you live in a shoe?

I'm not sure, but I am damned sure I am doing my best to regain my independance from this medically imposed excile. This is too long coming. I know. Have applied for transportation on our transit system. I feel it in my bones.

I must "holla" at my brother from another mother, Brother Two Socks! Your telephone call was simply awesome! Thank you, thank you, and then thank you again! I am truyly amazed at how Great Spirit Blessed our day and connection. Simply, awesome.

Remember, I promised I would introduce and use that wonderful term, awesome as much as possible. I have and have stressed not to over do it, but there sure is something going on today that feels so good...

...awesome!

Note: Yes, there was a time back in the mid '00's when I called myself the White Water Buffalo. Ha!

Love, peace and more peace, please.

David Rovics - Stay Right Here

Incident of Oglala Part 5

Incident of Oglala Part Final Scene

WOman Kind

Went to bed crying for my wife and daughter's last night. The three are awesome Women and I am so Blessed and pleased The Great Mystery has provided me the continued teachings of the WOman Kind.

I am able to see and read the painfully obvious differences in my family's WOmen Folk. Generation by generation, I have seen the up's and down's of what our WOmen have had to endure, the lives lived, the motivations and inspirations of some, while other's took or have taken life as a spectator rather than a participant.

Thinking I will begin with my Great Grandmother Mimi. She was born in 1900 and lived into her seventy's. Abuela (grandmother in Spanish) Mimi, never uttered a profane word in my company and I do not recollect Mimi ever complaining about anything. She was and is the best cook in the world. Abuela was born in Key West, thus beginning the Americanization of our family tree on the Hispanic side of the Family Tree. My memories of my Great Grandmother also include her forever and ever working. Cooking, washing clothes by hand, her beautiful roses and her beautiful smile and smell. Mimi always wore an apron, loved her family, John F. Kennedy and Jesus Christ.

my Dearest Abuela Mary, Mimi's daughter was born in 1919. My Sweet Grandmother did not utter profanity in English (smile) ever in my company. Abuela Mary, worked as a Nurse for what I seem to remember as being forever. She was the mid-wife at my birth in 1959 and she worked in the Nursing Profession with pride for decades. Her white uniform was always bright white and starched ironed and she wore her Nursing cap just a tiny bit to one side. Her white shoes were shined daily as I do not remember ever seeing a one scuff mark on her hard working shoes. Abuela Mary, worked hard and was a single parent to my father and two brilliant Aunts. My Abuela enjoyed dancing and getting all dressed up so beautifully, I thought she looked just like a movie star. She has always been a bright star in my eye's. Her devotion to God and family was something I'll never ever forget. Abuela suffered and survived much spousal abuses from more than one husband, yet this was something I did not learn until adulthood. She kept all of that locked up and sheltered us from this bitter piece of family history. Abuela Mary is 92 now, and I'll be seeing her in just about an hour or two. My sister Face is off today, so she'll take me to see Abuela's and off to see a dear friend who just recently lost here Mom.

My two Aunts, also known as my Tia's, were influences in my life as they were WOmen teachers from up close and from a distance. Both of my dear Tia's worked damned hard for themselves and family. Working hard as employee's of the company's they worked for, for their husbands and my cousins. Even though sisters, each had such different personalities that I was able to learn differing approaches to the challenges life presents to our WOmen. My Aunt's have always been dear to me and I witnessed abuses that both had to endure and survive. I believe in my Inner Core that I knew but a bit of what it was these two WOmen had to live through. It still hurts my heart knowing that surving abuse is something we have in common besides our Blood. I respect and love them both very much.

I will not be speaking about my Mother as she brings in a Family Tree that was born and bred here in the South and that's a whole different set of WOmen Folk. And my Mommy Dearest, is a life lesson that I still am working on, even years after her Crossing. Enough.

My parents had seven children, I being the eldest, then soon followed by three of my four sisters. I have often half-assed joked about being the oldest girl in our family because it seems as if there is more of a WOman inside me than one or two of them. I won't mention names because it's not a matter of saying names. It's just that I look at my four sisters and see four very different WOmen. I love them all and have learned lessons about being a WOman through their experiances as hard working WOmen. Some more than others, but who am I to say?

I tell you what...

...this brings me to my dearest wife and daughters. My bride and I have been married soon to be 32 years and something I am aware of is she is probably one of the strongest WOman I've ever met. She has always worked so very hard at whatever or which ever job she may have had. She has always worked hard as a Mother and especially as my wife. These days she is the only one working and I feel as if this is so much of a burden on her. My strong yet gentel wife has taught me volumes and honestly I reckon God, has Blessed me with an Angel here on Earth Mother. She too has suffered abuse. From me. Not in a violent form but in a betrayal form, which can be just as hurtful and abusive as violence. My heart still carries the toxic shame, knowing I had hurt her the way I did. Yet, here we are, soon to be 32 years married and 37 years as a couple. That's a chunk of time right there and I say I love her more today than ever in all my life. My God, what a WOman! What a teacher of WOmanhood!

I conclude this communiqe with my two beautiful and brilliant daughter's who are both grown ass WOmen. My daughters are fifth generation Floridians. Which all began way back with Abuela Mimi in 1900. My eldest is currently living in a land far, far and away. She teaches women to speak English in a land where being an American can sometimes bring pecular situations. She is one of the bravest WOmen I have ever met. She is a graduate of a fine university and is an incredibly independent and strong WOman. My tiny little baby girl is thirty years of age and has been teaching me to be a Dad and teaching respect for WOmen since her birth. My youngest one has been teaching her Dad to be a Dad since her birth as well. As close as my two may be, I see two very different personalilties. And yet, they are two peas in a pod, they are so close. My youngest graduated from a world respected Culinary Institute in Orlando. She is presently working two jobs and reminds me of myself when I was her age. Work-work-work. She works so hard for her money, I cry from lack of being able to do something for her. My wee little baby girl is twenty-seven. I cry too for my eldest whom I've been unable to hug since August of last year.

Yes, I cry for my daughter's and my wife. I cry for my Abuela Mary, my dearest Mom, my dear Aunts, and my sisters. I shed tears as I tip-tap these words.

I have learned life lessons from these WOmen I have spoken of this morning. Lessons that I will carry within my Spirit's for the remainder of my life. It is the WOmen Kinfolk who tell the stories of them who came before us.

MY dearest WOmen Folk! I thank you, I love you all and I pray for you all daily! I am proud we are Kinfolk. Yes, true, and I love that we are Kinfolk. It's in the blood.

I am not worthy.

No Joke

Have had my home away from home within my home on my mind all day. Hold on one minute and let me slip into something a bit less comfortable as I feel somethimes I should be home and not feel imprisoned in this place of exhile. I am often asked questions I don't have answer's to so I slip back into the dam I have built about myself as I swim in the pond naked with Winter cooling down this part of the Deep South. Winter. In Florida is a special time of year where everything seems calmer and the damned air condition stays off for a good spell. It looks as if we have dusk or dawn - I don't know which it is but the Moon is so bright out of doors it gives this illuision of Sun rise or was it the sun setting...

These shoes I'm wearing are no longer the ones I so thought were my favorite in the world and now I think I'll donate them to some worthy cause because if I keep them much longer the pair wouldn't do any woman or man any good at all. No, these are not stilettos, these are black sneakers I have worn for what has seemed like a mighty long time and forever because some folks have joined the Angels and I have worn these to weddings and I reckon it does say alot about the things I'm not doing so much of such as running due to being a gimpy sort or of any walking even though I do walk a bit at the Super Target and wear these shoes I'm wearing happily because they are the ones I've thought so awesome and am relieved I have tap-tipped the word awesome suspecting I would soon have no way of sharing that word awesome as I am so sure it will assist me in catching a grip of my breath to keep pushing with my inhaler in my left hand because I am ambidextrous.

I have one ear, four eyes, six legs and two testicles. I want a cigarette but don't smoke and would love to chug a pint of Jack Daniels with a beer chaser, probably a Red Stripe. Oh God, have been drinking Red Stripe for as long as I might try to remember but really I don't want to remember because this fatty liver in my fatty body might stop being so fat and I'll die of that disease Folks get because they drank too much even though I don't drink much I wonder if its still possible - did drink alot while in the U.S. Army when and where I experimented with a basket of ends-n-odds. I want my liver.

Gave up being vegitarian well over a year or two ago now. Have just recently began eating the one meat that took me the longest to reunite with - that being that pooor chicken. I mean, I have been enjoying Turkey for probably three years after fifteen or so years of no meat - there's just something about the concept of eating that chicken that had lived such a fucked up life that wouldn't leave me alone - have seen too many PETA videos and have read way too much. What with these chicken breasts being larger than the chicken I ate years before I went vegitarian - I swear I ate a breast today that was larger than my own man boob.

Meniere's Disease played mind games with me most of all the day long today. I say most because I did infact have to go to Dream Time from the dizzy-nausea-sounds-noises and the silence that intrupted just to damned much of my early day, then woke up to the dizzy-nausea-sounds-noises and what not. Man it up boy - you wussed out today. I don't know what else to say about this subject because like snowflakes no two days are ever the same. Don't ask...

...I don't know.

No joke.

Solitude

There are times when I don't mind being alone.

There are times when I want the bright beam of Center Circle...

...there are times I speak with Folks.

Sometimes I don't have to talk or say a word...

...and don't or won't.

Somtimes I talk too much.

When I get lost in the folds of my brains and stutter and become all dumb-founded and confused are the times I think I let other's interfere with my processes. Too much of that, this, and such and such.

Some who know me well enough toy with my Alter's for sport. Push my buttons. I reckon these Folk enjoy this as a sport. A form of Fencing, en'it?

So, I engage a steadfast boundary. An urgently important boundary.

Shit.

Times happen when I would love company during my long days.

There have been times when I don't even want to see the bright Sun ray's.

Tonight, is a time I would rather be in solitude.

Quietly tip-tapping while the WOmen Folk slumber and the Cocker Spaniel snores like a dude.

I listen to music. Tonight, The Head and The Heart, an awesome musical group.

The musicans are all so young and beautiful now-a-day's. Hormonal soup.

Tonight I contemplate. I try to breath easy and not think too seriously...

...I've always taken life ao very seriously. There were times I believed I was better off dead.

Have always had so much doubt in this head.

Always have.

I Still Listen To The Call's

I miss the calls from my mother and I miss the calls from my father...

...even now with them in the Spirit Realm, I can still hear my mother call out my name, as every once in a while I can hear my father call out for me or whistle the Family Call...

...I hear you Mom! I hear you Dad! And do not stop! As I know now and have known for eternity, the voices I heard in the past, are the Call's I continue to listen to everyday, are the Voice's of you and the Elder's who have passed before me.

There was a period there in my not so distant past that I permitted fear to become a factor in my hearing and listening to them in the other place...

...Spirit World.

Oh, since childhood I have heard and listened to the call's of them before me. As a young one I listened even though threatened with institution's for them who "hear thing's"...

...there was a time or few when and where I would not listen and suffered the consequence of my decision's.

For all of these years I have listened to the Call's of My Elder's, and know very well that deep with-in my inner most being I am a Blessed One...

...I am Blessed also with the Blessing's of sight. I don't trouble them who I consider guest's in my Lodge. Perhaps I get a startle every once in a bit, but I do not fear my guest's.

I must have been in a really horrible place or had had some very negative energy directed my way when I feared what was in fact something that has been a very piece of who I am.

Yes, I still listen to the call's.

Meniere's Disease, The Sleep Continue's and I

Good Day Relations,

Wanted to update all on where this latest attack has taken me...

...have continued to sleep fifteen or so hours a day the past two or three. Have made it a purpose to get up and move about for the sake of circulation of blood and body parts. I am wanting to sleep right now, but my wife and daughter will soon be home from work and I would like to spend some time with them. The Sleep and their work hours have created a big gap in my day where I am home alone. My bride had several days off over holiday's and it was so cool. Even if we did much of nothing - just having her near me was so awesome and kept the gloom away. Sadly, I slept through much of her time off. I suspect there was an added sensation of protection for me while she was here with me.

The sounds/noises have remained and have been quite problematic as there are times when the sounds become overwhelming and require a shut down. The sounds and noises very rarely leave me be. At this moment I am listening to two different sounds coming from one and each ear. In the left Deaf ear I have a loud beeping going on and in the right hard of hearing ear there is the Amazon River Rain Forest at dusk. With every bitchin' cricket and cicada at high musical volume. I know all they want is a piece of something, but I be damned if this doesn't remind me of what madness feels like! The beeping is an all together seperate noise and it has been a beep-beep-beeping that's going on. Sounds like someone messing around with their micro wave oven. Shit!

The nausea has remained in the bottom of my throat most of today. I had sleep earlier and was so hopeful of some releif. There was none. It's still there even as I have this chat with you, the reader and my guest. I have not vomited today nor has any escaped into my mouth, which is never a pleasent thing. I don't give a damn what it was I may have just eatten. Vomit is vomit is vomit...

...have had the sweats, perspirations and mistings today. If not one the other. Ohhhhhhhh, them foiken crikets! At this very moment I am simply moist as a mist settles about my head and neck. This very cold weather we've had here hasn't helped much at all. I'm such a Meniere's freak.

On Wednesday, the day of my doctor's appointment I felt pyschically sure and able for a couple of hours, and it felt awesome. Today am weak and sleepy. The gloom is right over there, it lives upstairs from me.

I have had stumbles today. The coordination and balance off center a bit.

It's a tough task working on this rebirth of the awesomeness within me. I give my word that this is the direction I wish to embark and will focus on "bringing back the awesome"! I promise to myself.

Kindred, even though I knew the meaning, I looked up the definition of the word "swath" for poop's and laugh's. The word which was the word used by He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, my Good Right Doctor, is same - same...

...yes, I still see very clearly his description as he demonstrated with his thumb and fingers...

...I've just touched the lumps on the side of my skull where my implant lives and am knowing that there will in fact be surgery in my near future.

Between then and now I will continue to establish a sound foundation on which to build some awesomeness in my day-to-day. Gloom must leave and be replaced with some Awesomeness!

This is all...

Before We Foiken Get Too Comfortable

There's some of this or that something else I wish to say before I and or we foiken get too comfortable with this awesome turn about I am working on. Really, just something's I wish to share before "I", foiken get too comfortable in my head. I have permitted many inside my head and I have been faithful and painfully honest with every person face-to-face or on an entry here on My Path. It has mattered to me to let All Like Minded and Kindred know I know that I place urgency into my words. No matter they be sad, happy, mad, or glad. If I did not intend to place a certain word or phrase, then there foiken wouldn't have been an entry made. Or words stuttered and or uttered.

With every word I speak and or tip-tap, there is a release of energy that absolutely grounds and then carries me well beyond the moment. Impression's are established that are somethimes carved in stone. On the sometime's, we are permitted to undo an ill impression. That's all left up to Great Spirit, you see? It may be my wish, but it is the Great Spirit's will not mine that makes reality, reality. Time is of the essecence because time does not provide me time to wait and study if we are a social sort of specises or NOT. I am a very social able type individual. My Spirit's scream this to me.

You see?

On this My Path, yes, I say there have been many personal subjects and also them I refer to as "deep" communications and suppose there will be more to come as I travel along this path. Ha! I said that as if I had a hesitation! A self made smile and slight laughter. Ha! Yes, I "suppose" we will have more.

I just want back into Life's goings on's outside of this exhile I remain tucked neatly away in. I want to look into the eye's of people that cross my path. I would love more than a word or two or few on the telephone - I want a conversation over a cup of coffee or a cup of some tea. I require, not really require, BUT love hugs that create the exchange of wonderful energy between the two or three people involved with said hug. That's the type of creature I am. Especially when I get a little scared or am alone or am happy or not-so-happy. I just really do enjoy hugs as much as food. They're awesome! And to me there's nothing like a good firm handshake in greeting and or farewell. This is an exchange of the inner-self, an exhange of energies, of which, we decide the level of such to be exchanged. Whether it be yes, no, positive, negative, or maybe so's...

...it's all energy created between the Spirit...

Kinfolk, Kindred, or Relation's. Them we meet and know this Crossing of My Path is with purpose and is Blessed. Those we are connected to by the DNA or the All of Us connected because it is in the blood. As it was written long before me or my Elders, to cross Path's with your's.

P.S. Life is too AWESOME to be exhiled as this Meniere's Disease mandates. I want some AWSOME back in my life and Path!

That's all.

Meniere's, My Doctor, An Awesome Visit & I

Relation's, Greetings,

My In-Law's assisted me with transportaition to visit my good doctor, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain this morning. Had a fantastic visit with He. We had excellent face to face time, connecting and communicating. Oh yes, I did get the hand shake and awesome brother hug...

...if I haven't said it before I'll say this now, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, hugs his patients as if we are all One Giant Family and I love them. Free medicene with every "hug" is what I have alway's thought. He does have the hands of One who heals and I am Blessed to have him be my doctor. I know this to be truth and believe a genuine Blessing. I pray for my doctor and I surely do pray for those hands.

I had made comment earlier about some vibes I was picking up from with-in pertaining to a possible cut and snip...

...well, my Crystal Ball and Energies did not fail me. The intuition was right on the money. There will in fact be some cut and snip going on. Cut and snip, as in "surgery in the operating room" style of cut it and snip it, come the Spring. Honestly, it was more than a crystal ball and energy that gave me indication of issue, it's these two lumps growing back on the site of implant that has created the need to communicate problem with doctor. We have had two or three snip and cut's in the past, but this is a different scenario. At this time there is no infection, fortunately. The Spring schedule was absolute happenstance, as this is my next scheduled appointment anyhow. We will conduct Audiology Exams on this visit and decide on a date for the removal of what doctor called a good amount of my head to have this controlled once and for all...

...as my Good Doctor shared the good old between the thumb and fingers in indication of what will be removed. Whew, I want to cuss up a storm!

We spoke of the hospitalization I had in October, medications, symptoms, sounds and noises, the worms and twitching right eye orb, lazy left eye orb. The beep's and ploops. We covered all the base's. Quite confidant of so.

It was a pleasure spending time with the In-Law's. I enjoy the conversations and laughs we share when we are together. The visit with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain was awesome, as was being in the company of my In-Law's.

I did sleep for a spell a short bit after we got home. The Father-In-Law was working on a ceiling fan and I couldn't help myself from the sleep. So I had to excuse myself to the bed room.

Bet it was an awesome sleep too.

This is all.

Meniere's Disease, Off To See "He-Who-Touched-My-Brain"

Will be off to see my good doctor, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, in one hour or so. Looking very much forward to seeing his smiling face and eager to recieve one of his powerful Brother Hugs. Oh yes, just in case you did not know, I'm a hugger not a hitter, ala I am a lover not a fighter.

This visit is quite apropos, as it has been one week ago I had the Meniere's attack that has rendered me a sleeping machine. Have slept a great amount this past week - exceeding 100 by several hours easiely.

The past two day's while I have been awake, I have been thinking in an assertively positive and self-loving way, rather than the self loathing and self-pity that has been common in the past. Am eager to see my good doctor.

But then, you probably couldn't see that, eh? I'm like a Fat Kid waiting to see Santa for that free candy! Ha!

There is one negative that has me a bit troubled and that is I have grown another lump at the site of implant. It's a lumpty lump's lump. So there is a wee bit of weird anxiety thing kicking in anticipation of a snip and cut. I'm afraid...

...um, I have found another lump on Mr. Wang and will be coordinating a visit with She-Who-Enjoys-Snips-and-Cuts. Oh Lord. I remember the last time she sniped at Mr. Wang - I screamed like a petit woman having her first wax done. Man, please? I'll keep an eye on Mr. Wang, like this too. About every-damned-day? Okay?

Really?

Anyway's, I'll remember to say the word de'jure, "Awesome", as many times as I can. Maybe the "Holding Hands" piece doctor speaks of is something for me to work with and towards to - not against.

I'll share this real quick, because I've got to go...

...Meniere's Disease, has become a part of my life. Like my Levi 501's or my Converse, this is really shittin' going to be with Me for the remainder of my time here on Earth Mother. I might as well write a song, "Me and Mr. and Mrs. Meniere's Disease, Le Meneja Twa". If I had continued to fight and fight - I would've been the One to lose. No one else but this One sitting here tap-tipping. Not the doctors in my index file, not the therapist's I may know or visit. It would've been me to lose. I think I was heading towards some dangerous territory there for a spell. Naw Boo, I WAS in the danger zone.

Today, things are running just a wee bit easier. Oui? Oui!

But let me share, I'm thinking I've got to keep this going, keep it AWESOME too!

This is all.

Some Things Never Change

cherokee commercial "not as long"

WOUNDED KNEE 1890 & 1970s Leonard Peltier, Aquash, FBI

The Word is, Awesome

Yes, this year 2012 is going to be a product of my focus and dedication to myself for my self. In Mind, Spirit and Health.

...a continued fight against the depression, the battles with Meniere's Disease, the battles also with the asthma and pneumonia's.

There is this word that has stuck to the inside of my mind like a sticky note. That word is AWESOME! Plastic letter magnets spelling Awesome on the Refrigerator between my ear's.

This Awesomeness, is going to become a very part of my verbiage, a piece off the lexicon for the next few months or so. As it is I have planned.

You see? It is my beleif that as long as I keep this word in my mind and heart, and speak it and talk it, I will say it. Oh, Look, all of this illness and medical exhile rubbish has grown so very old. I reckon this has been brewing and going on for so long...

...building up to this self-realization that I can be Awesome! Pick my chin up and move on and I bust a move while I can and leave the bullshit on the dance floor. Or I can let the "ALL" of what Health and Life has been like the past few years eat me up into a Man that is not me. A Man I don't want to be. See? Bloody Hell! I was in there pretty dark and gloomy there for a spell...

...wait a second, I can still see that shit in the rear view mirror, so I better practice what I preach and teach myself to let it "just be awesome".
I have grown tired of the same old, "Oh, IMMA between this and that or between a rock and granite".

The oddest of things have been going on for a spell. One example is the getting to the point of starting to live with and make sense of living this meniere's disease...

...and it's vertigo attacks and sypmtoms prior too or post attack sypmtoms.

I want to tell Kindred, I'm Awesome!, when asked how are you doing. I want to feel Awesome...

...I want to be Awesome...

...that's all.

Meniere's Attack Up-Date 02 January 2012

Since this past vertigo attack I have slept and had closed down longer than ever before. In this past 48 hours alone, I have slept forty. Since last week when I had this meniere's attack, I have slept approximately 90 hours...

...yes, I was taken ahold of by the Sleep and there have been a few times when tears have been shed, as I know more are to be shed. There are more hours of sleep that have me wrapped in it's comforting embrace and beckons me off to Sleep World.

Oh, and please, don't concern yourself over the tears I have shed. Yes, there has been some depression, but shit, who wouldn't be a bit sad if One has just slept away better than a majority of One's Life Force...

Please, I know my tears have been shed because of lack of time with my family and coming to the realization my Eldest One, may not be home when her contract expires over there far, far and away. I mean, really, she's a grown ass WOman and there just isn't much a Daddy can say or do right now. But, pray. A Father's Lament...

...the point is, is I am not depressed because of the Sleep. I know when these things happen, I have to follow what my body and mind say do. I'm out of the equation all together for sure. So I sleep. I hope to be out soon because I've got John Wayne rev'ed up and ready to go.

John Wayne and I, have gained some weight over the fall and early winter. It's time to change that direction...

...as soon as I get out of the grasp of sleep.

The nausea, sweating, dizziness and sounds have followed me through-out these past few days. Following quite faithfully like too. Have had productive nausea, both complete out of mouth and the vomit in the mouth thing. Yes, it's freaking disgusting. It's just not natural. But what can I do? The sounds have varied while awake, from one extreme to another.

Yes, both the Left Deaf Ear and the Right Hard of Hearing Ear.

Actually, it was because of the sounds between my ears I woke up late this evening. I am glad as all to be up a bit, but, I really must return to Dream World.

Oh yes, during this attack on Tuesday early eveving, as I laid in my bed, I saw the ceiling in my bedroom spin in three-D. No poop! One of the most bizarre things I have ever experianced...

...as I focused on my spot on the pop corn ceiling and the brown blades of the ceiling fan, it all became detached and looked very much like 3-D affects.

Happy New Year To All Relations.

2012 is going to be awesome!

Happy New Year's! 2012

Relations,

Before going off on a chat-chit, I would love to wish All of my Relations, a very Happy, Healthy, Safe and a most truly Awesome 2012!

Happy New Year 2012!

Happy New Year's to All of Earth Mothet!

I say bring it on...then.

Relations, All Praise, All Thanks and Joy, Go To My Great Spirit! The One God, Creator of All That Is.

Love, peace and more peace.............me.............john too....