No Dentist Yet

Dearest Kindred Ones,

Kind Ones,

No, I have not yet gone to dentist. Nope, no dentist yet.

Yes, I know, I am a grown fellow who just happens to have a very loose tooth in my mouth. Loose  like the loose teeth we would get as children, and I would get all sick and sissy shit like that. Once or twice, my Kid Tom Boy Sister Face, pulled one tooth, I may have pulled one or two and Maw got them others. I don't know, seemed like to me when Mom pulled the tooth out it always seemed to hurt more. Followed by the happiness of knowing I would soon be visited by my "Boy" Tooth Fairy. As a Boy, I really didn't think there would be any yucky girl tooth fairy any way. For that matter, I don't think I had ever considered other wise as a boy. And I had a Fairy God Father too! Who has always been One of my fondest mentors. Sashay, sashay that. 

I very much dislike dentist visits.

I be damned if I don't really, really have one. A true loose tooth as a grown man and true to what was once a live and cheerful tooth, is now a doomed damned loose tooth. What is this?! When I pull my loose tooth out of my lower jaw, or rather when it falls out, I'm going to place it under my pillow and hope the Tooth Fairy drops me off a nice surprise. Or a lot of money. Or both.

But yes, and oh, this fear of a dentist is fucked up, it affects me and affects the visits, I have gone into shock twice in dentist office and this true fear is something that has come along later in my life. I'm recently fifty-four, in my younger years, before Anorexia and Bulimia, I had a brilliant cavity less set of mixed breed white teeth. The Bulimia literally destroyed my teeth, slowly and one by one. As a bonus, I developed this irrational fear of the dentist.

Any dentist, any clinic or group - all sound, smell and all result in same thing with every visit. More damned pain. And Sam, I just don't have time for that.

I'll be making it to my dentist within the next two weeks if not sooner. I hope. It is necessary I have a Patient Advocate with me. This dentist wants to do work with my teeth present day. These are words spoken by him through his Assistant. Thoough the clinic is near enough to walk, the working on my teeth will require an aid and has also require a release form for the my surgeon who operated the implant and placed metal plate in my skull. And this, and...

... hmmm, nope, no dentist yet.

Russia, my thoughts are with you! Russia, my prayers are with you!

This Happened To Me Today, A Stranger, A Strange Woman And The Business Of Raisng Her Voice At Me

Dearest Kin Folk and Kindred,

I really do wish to share this unfortunate crossing of paths that took place today. It has saddened me, but these has been a couple of lessons from the business of raising voices. It would do me no good to deny that I have been and have lived under several stressful scenarios, so much of the dreadful pain and so much so that no, I am not going to even make a list of them. I wish to share and connect about today. Just this afternoon, this a rather mean woman raised her voice at me, stating that I was rude, well, that's a matter of opinion - as she bellowed, 'you are rude', and I don't remember if there was a Sir., in there or not, but I reckon if for any matter or for anything at all, she was the rude one. This stranger to me, with a raised voice made it clear her opinion, not even knowing me. She did not know my voice may have been raised in conversations with my Home Advocate because I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing. She might have or could she had considered that in such loud environments the Meniere's Disease inside begins to stir, no. I was having a very tough time dealing with what was going on under my skin. Might she had imagined that I was having great and extreme anxiety nearing panic because my hearing suddenly dropped roughly 50% while sitting right there in this very loud doctors office. Would she had approached me differently? This same clinic quickly approaching standing room only. This large lady yelled at me in a public, huge comma, yet 'private' place. Like I was her husband or child kind of yell. I was in 'my' doctors office' waiting just like she. Many people's were witness, as I was humiliated. There was a fellow in front of me on his telephone who looked at me then looked at Ms. Lady, then  back at me and asked me was she talking to him. At first, I hoped the Woman had lost her mind, because Honey, she worked my last damned nerve. Oh yes, she really did too. I tried to play nice in the sand box, and oh yes, yes, yes, I know that she did not know I was deaf or hard of hearing. She couldn't have seen my hearing aid, nor would she had seen my BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, implant site. But Ma'am, Miss. Lady assumed me too damned much a simple man. Or the sort of man who accepts this drama routine as normal. Seeing was believing and for shits sake, seeing only me there, as I may have been outside of my skin at that time. Was so fucking rude.

By God, Miss., Lady didn't even know me. I am usually a kind and respectful sort - when home or while out and about,  I am a kind and respectful type when I am treated as such. And I believe this to be a one of my God Blessed Human Rights. If not a Human Right, this is in the Bible saying,  Do On To Other's ...

... I tried to handle myself calm and collected, but the person with me, the one there to provide me bonus protection points from folks like She Lady, to be my advocate and truly be my protector from people talking down on Folks like me. The God Damned Gimps.Them who speak in a quite close to an abusive manner, because of the lady attitude was directed at me, because her voice was raised at me. I mean, it really was just like that.

Just like that.

And My Advocate agreed with this intrusive, louder-than-me, ignoramus of a lady who was irritated because the patients were not being seen quickly enough. Well, I am a patient too. Waiting there in the same space as she, and she knows that I know she knew this to be a routine situation with my clinic, every appointment in this very busy and popular Medical Group extends our visit that much longer. She breathing my air and hacking and coughing from the cigarettes that burn her fingers and her lips was gross and was not even attempting to absorb at least some of her Lady Germs. I mean to say. My Home Advocate decided to abandon me right quick like there. Yes, right there in public/private spot. Oh Fuck Yeah, I am a fucking big boy. So I handled it the best I could at that particular time. Quite honestly, if Ms. Lady, had crossed paths with me a few years ago she would have received an even better introduction to insulting a person in public/private, who she did not know. Sure. I know. This will pass on and along.

For me I speculate, it's all about the principle of the matter. I am Deaf and this afternoon at and around 1400 shit hit the fan in many a direction. She had no idea. Come tomorrow, communications with my Home advocate will take place. I have decided that I will not be calling her supervisor and neither will I file a complaint. I reckon she also learned a chunk of free education today. Like, big boys and big girls nag, fight and trouble one and another. Even still. I knew this in my gut, an old familiar sensation that rules and runs threw my entire being. My Spirit's and my Soul felt quite violated there in my clinic.

There was a third woman there, she who found humor with this live skit and had an awesome good laugh. A very true laugh out loud kind of laugh. Lord? I thought to self, really? I share this with you my dear guests, because all of this fucking big boy stuff just about had crumbled in public today. Honest it was like this. Just like this.

Yes, yes, yes, for Shits Sake, I'll keep the smiles on my face, much more than not. I eat my medicine and I try not to take shit too personal. But I mean, damn it, en'it? I do it. Do it.

Seen?

There's a bit of irony involved here with the above subject matter and afternoon. This date being 30 December 2013, Miss. Larger Than Life, went to front desk and asked to be permitted entry due to a rude patient ...

... very shortly there after, I too went to the clinics front desk and informed the young lady that the lady screamed at me in private/public and was rude to me. I informed the young lady then that I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing and quite upset. Fortunately, I was next scheduled patient to be seen by doctor. The Woman-Of-The-Day, was waiting in triage as I passed to go to my examination room, and then, she, Ms. Lady, came out of triage, as if to continue child's play. It was then I asked her if she knew I was deaf and hard of hearing. If I had not seen with mine, I would have sworn that her eye orbs proceeded to go back further into her face. I can't explain it, what happened in my heart at that moment, but I knew then that Mrs. Lady with the smoking habit regretted what happened. I felt it in me. All of this drama took place because of an opinion thing that I mentioned earlier. Perhaps a too quick to judgment call, by both the Mrs. Lady and My Home Advocate.

It was in privacy with my doctor that I was able to let loose what I felt in my heart and spirits. I really try not to take things personal, I really do, but damn, out loud in my doctors office. I sat there where I was melting from the Meniere's Disease sweat, The sudden loss of hearing, the pains in my body - there between the muscle and skeleton lives my chronic pain. In my scalp, the place between my skull and outer skin there is pain. Earlier this evening, I had several deep stabbing streaks on my left side, very near my implant. Lord, these were so bad they brought tears of a different sort from my eyes. I am certain I had a couple attacks since this afternoon, since right there about 1400. Come the morrow, things will be clearer between My Home Advocate, my deafness, and what took place today. My mind and being will be clearer. This is not what  Advocates do for them they love and advocate for. I am deaf in one ear Kindred and hard of hearing in my right ear. My hearing sucks beyond my description and I do in fact attempt to speak with a normal tone of voice. It's just I would like to know what is freaking normal? Give me a damned break. How the shit that sounds? Look, my entire body from above my waist, my entire upper torso, hurts and pains me bad enough that I will medicate myself in a short while. Oh this pain hurts me so bad.

A great fortune of mine are the various members of my better health and emotional health teams who Advocate for me as their Patient and Fellow Human. I receive this form of total respect from complete strangers, and it is the shame I should be publicly humiliated in such an environment. My Blood Pressure shot up, my sugar too, I was offered a procedure, but I really needed to remove myself. I didn't want to see Miss. Her again. I was pleased with the way the medical staff handled the entire situation. Very kind and empathetic with what happened in the lobby. I want to believe that Ms. Lady received the same respect and empathetic care. Pardon.

I have recently figured there are perhaps hundreds of people who have direct and/or indirect influence on my medical matters. The matters of my life. I am humbled and am awed. Seen.

Thank you Miss. Lady, for crossing my path today.

... me ...

The Removal Of Self

Relations,

Things in my life and on My Path, have seen that some matters, which involve family and some close friends have become unhealthy. Unhealthy for me, my kin Folk, and certain close relations.
The energy's of discontent, bitterness, sadness, jealousy, and a petty attempt at involving negative supposed medicine from out side of our family, has gone on far enough.

I have two of four dear sisters who have invisible diseases, some similar to mine - some not, but all involving the neurological aspects of our health. All chronic. All same blood. I cry for my sisters and their children, my nieces and nephews. Things change and things are changing straight before our eye orbs. I pray for my sisters and share my love in a mighty way. Oh my. They're all my baby sisters and I love them all with all my heart. I guess that's what a big brother's all about.

It has become necessary that I relinquish my relationships with certain members of my Circle. Our Family. Outsider's, them without our blood have created much unrest and strong bitterness. I have decided names are not needed and besides, that type of talking is a negative force in itself. What I am doing today, the 29th of December 2013, is removing myself from the influences of these familiar individuals. Removing myself from the negative energy and energies that come from these particular Folks, and the suctioning of energy and vibrations that come with them. Like leaches leaching from the swamp. Their fancy talk and false intellegence is meant to impress others like them, and use these techniques to manipulate others. Control others,

No more here.

I'm one to tend to let go of the little shits in life and move along with life, but the bigger, harsher, more negative, energy is dealt with on a different level. Prayer. Great Spirit, is aware of the hard work I have done in my recovery, that continues now with the many issues of health, Meniere's Disease, Asthma, Cervical spine issues and chronic pain stemming from neurological matters, and now, such matters as these that can make life so sad. The fighting I have done for myself, the tears that comes from such unhealthy situations in life, with my health and the rubbish of others has let me know I've seen enough...

... slowly over the past year or year and few months, I have worked on this removal of self and I reckon the time has come. When I am hurt by individuals, especially them in my circle, I forgive until, I just can't forgive any more. There's only so much bull shit one is expected to take in Life before something has to be said. And or done. Seen.

This is not something I have taken lightly. I have prayed, and contemplated hard on what I am having to do. My health is more important, as my teams mates would surely agree with. Whether professors, surgeons, specialist, nurses, or the MRI Techs, and all of my team mates, have something in common with me, we have this belief. My health comes first.

What To Do, Sir.?

Yeah, I mean, what can I do?
When is it to be everyday -
there must be something to say?

Your faux intelligence, and
your lips and lies you share threw your faces.
All about all this and all that,
bull shit story's, bars, and imaginary places.

So easy to see, so much so,
the deaf and hard hearing can hear you.
Hey, I did, and I'm both and I know -
Mama asked you not to.

That's what I said and what I say. You and
your drunken ass, shown clearly the fool,
that you are very quite able to use and bend
to create walls to alienate Kin Folk from you.

You made it easy for me to remain quiet,
to remain silent, and watch as you sat there...

...and sat there with ants in your pants. You wondered
what was it I would say - what was it I was to do.
All lights on you good fellow. What to do, Sir.?
I'm uncomfortable with your negativity. With you.

You considered whether I was going to say shit,
you knew that you've said too much. Said too much
to me. Have you said enough to her?

Enough to me?

You keep playing the fool and we'll
see whose the most foolish here.
Sir., I assure you I will be asking
you to kiss my ass and then off to hell.

Let Me Say This, And Report The Lab Number's

Folks,

Please, if I may, I would love to say that we are here today, long over due here in the America's of our Home Land, to have the citizenry situated with the options to alternative health care. I am witnessing our U.S. citizens reacting to gibberish spoken out the butt holes of old white raisins, or the 'up and coming' rookie politicos who bust face and eat Crow because of speaking words through their ass holes.

There is something I wish to share with you, my guests, readers, and Kindred Ones. No, I really do not believe that I have withheld anything from Kinship and Kindred Ones, but this is a subject, that for whatever reasons on Mother Earth, that and I really just needed time to wrap some lab results around my brains - both halves and praise Great Spirit. I have considered and have let the stories passed down from one generation to the next, flow with a certainty now - no more damned doubt.

I have often said this, "it's in the blood", to Kinfolks and Kind Ones, who have had cosmic relationship with me. Dude's, I say this from my inner most spirit's and being. It is not something I say to just any body, but now that I see things clearly, it is clear that it is time to speak up and out. I am learning that once I have let go, Great Spirit, God, has been here and there with me to take the controls. Thank You Father.

The lab results are that I am 17% African. We, my family have always known of our mixed blood by stories and some family photographs, but yes, I mean to share that there are photographs of our Black African Kin Folk right here in Tampa. Well, now we know.

And I be damned, all my life I have been teased, abused, beat, fought, been spit at - spit on, called nigger - and worse by family and stranger, I have been ignored, I have been profiled in my life too many damned times, by police officials, mall security, store security, and so on. Had that shit going on up until just before all the operations. All of that shit based on assumptions! But yes, my good friends and family, I am a 17%'er! What?!

And I mean, dear ones, Black from Africa! My Good God, what news is this? Somehow, someway, so many of us knew and did what we had to do to get by! Hey! The U.S. Census is WRONG! Laugh my true mixed Black ass off!! We shall continue to chip away at our family history. How crazy interesting to have the stories confirmed!

I will continue to strive to be a healthier person and a more fun me. I will enjoy listening to music, listening to voices and birds before all is received via computer implanted to my skull. I ain't got time for that. But I do have time for and I am so interested to see mathematically how the remaining "races", "ethnic mix" break down. "Gets On Down"! Lawdy Miss. Clawdy! Imagine?!

Must go. There is nothing else to say. A real live 17%'er!!

A Talk About Meniere's Disease, Pain, And My Sweet Daughter's, Loss Of Hearing

Kind One's,

I am here this evening having pains in my inner most right ear at this very moment - a constant bruise like sensation. I have had no popping in this ear this evening, though my left deaf ear is picking up some serious damned beeping. That bruising seems to have settled in here too. I was able to speak with He-Who-Touched-My-Brains, assistant this afternoon. I suspect there will be a telephone call in the morrow asking for me to come in for a visit. I am in agreement with such an idea, 100% for a face to face. I was politely reprimenned for failing to report an infect that had developed at the site of implant. Botswana and I have become experts at applieing and dressing these wounds, but I suspect that this will be discussed. I am continuing with gagging and choking from nausea and or vomit today. The taste of the food you just ate does not have a damned jolly sensation about returning and  having bits back in my mouth, I mean, what the hell?

Continuing on then with Meniere's related symptoms then, I am able to say that I did not let sleep succeed in having me remain in bed sleeping and in slumber another day today. There has been a gladness about this my entire day - I was stirred from sleep that needed to be interrupted, I mean, for shits sake, how does one have an argument with a parent who has crossed over? I didn't want that, and look, it's clear here.

I am walking in the skin of what feels like a thinner me, but I am not yet a rooted here with this thinning processes, mostly because I have not lost enough weight - in my thick headed skull. Seen? It is with great hope that with the loss of another thirty or forty pounds, I will be in a greater and healthier state of being,much healthier and really, this is where I want to be. My Kindred, my bones feel as if I have an opportunity to feel my very skeleton and bone structure, first damned handed. It is a wild concept between these ears and innards, even with these body parts that are a necessity to live and function, and truly seem to be rebelling against me and the so damned many medications I am involved with. My sweet dear body parts of mine try to hide, when and what new is introduced to our routine. I am feeling and I do right by trying to share without getting so damned involved with my own damned drama. Dig.

This reminds me and takes me back to a time when I was working for one of the worlds finest big box concept retail computer center. With televisions, telephones, appliances and God only remember's what we would sell there at that beautiful big blue box store. I can know say that I truly regret leaving my South Tampa store to go to the Clearwater store, but WOW! What wonderful folks I had an opportunity to learn to love and work with there. I had what I would consider life changing experiances, made life long friends, and still love so many of them. It fells good to know that I can say this now...

... Boss Fellas, can you dig it? That your "Drama Queen", is damned pissed off because of a disease or few that prevent me from doing too much of anything, but then, you probably remember that after your Drama Queen blew off some steam, the ship seemed to settle just a bit didn't it? Oh for fucks sake! You, my very fellow human beings are still my friends, I love you all to Deaf, and I think that this is crazy love here! Yeah, yeah! I am pretty much stuck here in the crib, but get out and about when I can. I enjoy reading about the trips you all take and boating you enjoy and now, over the years watching how your "children" are growing like weeds! I can't stop!! And you know damned good and well folks, you can't mess with the white mans money. You all remember that? Or really, in this case, the Mixed Blooded One's money. True? Ha! Yes!

I am having to share there is a continuing pain and spasms in my right ear.

I am happy to have Macy Gray back in my life and here sitting next to me singing my songs into my one ear hole to the brain. I can remember listening as a two ear and always enjoyed my Macys music as a one eared one too. My Good God, I love her voice, I love her style, and I love her music! I seem to remember two or so years ago, some dumb stuff happened with the i-pod and I-tunes. I had at the time, I freaking freaked out and deleted damned near sixty percent of a collection of music that became cloak like for me, even as my i-tunes continues to be such, rather like my Pintrest, it becomes a part of who I am and I enjoy the genre's I decide to listen to anyways, I too am open to listen to new tunes and music. I enjoy Facebook alot, and I believe it to be a blast - but shit, if one is able is to steer away from the holy rollers, those energy zappers and negativity life forms. It is the Best.

Ya-Hey! My daughters, I say, hey-ya! I miss you Lady Kid's! To My Honorable Number One Daughter, Nik, who lives in a land far and further away and my dear sweet Honorable Daughter Number Two, who lives in a land near the river - you both are so very and dearly missed by your Pa. Your Paw. You all's, Dad or Daddy. There's no damned pop shit around here. I mean WTF? Here? You know that shit for real, is pure Yankee talk and I am okay with them Yankees keeping their verbiage right up there in Boston, New York, Vermont, etc., etc., and one more etc. Yes, but anyhow, your Fahadjha, misses you both like Mother Earth misses the rain, how the tides need the Moon, this Father, is a parent who has always excelled as a Dad when my baby's were/are near by. Stop.

Yep, just like that, and I am okay. Sleeping too much Nikoffski, is what I have done. My body aches and at times I get frustrated with myself. I fall and fell again today. Some of this stuff your paw is dealing with requires some deep ass medicine. I get like this and like that. I do what I do to get by. Seen. Oh snap!

I HAVE JUST LOST SOUND IN MY RIGHT EAR. Heeeeeeeeeeeeey, hey, hey ...

I am well. I am not okay. That was so scarey, for shits sake. I know, you see? Life is meant to live one day at a time, that's what I'll do.

Meniere's Disease And Damned Pain

Hello Kindred,

Let me share, many changes continue and have compounded changes around here and around and about me and my boundaries and force fields of protection. This is a snap shot of where I am today, at this time, with nothing more to do, but accept it. Accept this all. True.

I'm feeling disoriented, dizzy and uncoordinated. It has been like this since I woke from slumber at 1645. My therapist Sir Dude, called about the morrow and I had totally forgot to call the my good right therapist - I had totally forgot that it was scheduled. So, I guess I did forget, but I had forgotten to forget because of this Meniere's and sleep and all of this and that, my mind not on a schedule or appointments of any type. I have been in a bad place since the swift and deliberate Meniere's attack of just a couple or so days ago. I have done nothing but sleep for most of this week, thus far, I have slept +20 hours in the past day, 38 or so in past two days. If I stopped to count, I would consider too much of this a waste of time.There's a new doctor who wants inside my life and mind. I don't know about this. I do know I can't let this mess with me, mess with me to suffer and make rubbish from the symptoms within my being.

Today, I retreated, and at this moment, I have a better idea of what letting go feels like. It feels real.

There is no more time to waste or let the "who's and what not's" control my life. In or out of this skin I live in. This disease Meniere's, has a way of being, and does any thing it wishes, a living curse is how one would or could might say this. So I fight this. And fight this I will. What silly ways some folks have.

I have vomitted and have done so into my mouth in the day and the wee hours of night. My right ear has been painfully plopping and popping. It feels like and seems as if the inside of my right ear here is bruised. I can feel it at this moment. There are sounds from another place here and are heard and listened to hear here. The sounds from with-in my Deaf left ear have been at times chaotic sounds of a submarine searching radar blaring in my left ear - having done so three times tonight. So fucking loud. There is a build up of fluid within my right ear too. My hearing has worsened.

I take note that there has been a break down in communications at the clinic of He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. It's not cool when members of my Better Health Team fail to return my telephone calls. Might be good connection in the morrow afternoon though. Yes. I think I like that. I have patient issues - and all of my clinics know I have patience, but child please. Don't do me like that. Another break down in communication has taken place with another member, a new member. I called at 2200 to leave a message. There is one call from one clinic one week past, this is horribly unacceptable in any ones business. For shits sake, I find this so with me and mine anyways, I'll take care of this tomorrow..

The pains from the cervical spine and the neurological madness due to some surgeries is driving me absolutely crazy! I will explain as I feel pain at this moment. My neck has pain from my skin straight through the muscles and veins and arteries and all-of-that - to the bones of my neck bones. There is a pain in my skulls bone structure too. Not inside the globe, nor the flesh of my scalp, but the matter with in my skull is pained. I know it because I feel this fucking pain. And for fucks sake yes! I have taken my medications - all of them! My shoulders to the ball in my arm/shoulder pain from within. The pains on and in my right neck and shoulder are particularly harsh. Oh yes, the pains in my shoulders extend in bone down my arms, passed my elbows to my lower arms and hands and the places between my knuckles.

My tooth remains loose in my lower right jaw. Honey, I'm a dude, and I must make it through at least the Christmas meal. Inshallah.

Time's out.

Forced Awake By Biting Down On A Loose Tooth In The Middle Of The Night Kind Of Damned Pains!

Good Morning Dearest Reader.

Tonight, which is actually the wee hours of this morning 17 December 13, I was tucked and off in a deep sleep. I was in bed happily and unusually early, you see? Unusual standards established by my Meniere's Disease induced sleeping patterns, I have no control over and the ill side affects that accompanies this invisible disease that operates on MDT, Meniere's Disease Time. Minutes ago I was in one of those so sweet and comfortable places being so sweetly tucked into my safe place by layers of warmth and comfort. I was half dressed because I am one of those damned silly, hippy, mixed breeds who enjoys the romanticism's of a cold night or few in my safe place with my sweet Bride at my side and my hound Ting-Ting at my feet. Tonight, I have been especially exhausted, so very affected by exhaustion's of this of morning and afternoon's stepping out for a bit of shopping, mailing off, racing here and there to get things done. Remained in my safe compartment which is in the midst of my brain's chambers, and I engage force fields. Spiritual One's, I say these projections of energies from others, very rude others from the public, as I have shared recently from some in my Circles of Life and from others in my Medical, Emotional, and closer Circle's. There's emotional stuff I have kept hidde. Now having to be a different Man, even if to assert and report from me, that I am in a place of many troubled fucking pains. These filthy pains and physical aspects stomping my ass, are statistically troubling and not unfamailiar Pain.. Daily. Sir., Ma'am, not maybe. But. I said everyday.

Now then. My Kin Dred, it is my duty to put a smiley face on my face, to wear my sweet smile and keep my chin up and be happy and chipper en'it? Even when my body in fucking cussing and screaming at me - by the pain and strains that my body rages about. There was a point today when I wanted to cuss aloud! I wanted to scream! So too many other changes going on in my life! I am me, I am this mixed blood! Oh, that's the way you say so, well, hell hello. Yet I couldn't holler or scream at te top of my lungs. I was in the midst of a Super Wally World. Christmas shopping with my bride...

...them Wally World People would have had ten cops on my six foot two, 248 pound hairy, nag champa scented, bead wearing fucking customer profiled. "Dude's! He's got a back pack. Repeat. He has a back pack." "Yeah Boss, I saw this motherfucka up here last week". "Have you seen the box he has attached to the side of his head? Did you copy?" - "Yes. Listen, this dude is stumbling and knocking onto stuff"...

...seen? Yes. This happens. Happened today, as I was at this huge box store and was melting and getting to a bad place. They had security tag my walk. I mean, didn't anybody notice I am a bit ill? Please?

Tonight. I sit here tip-tapping because I am in intense and shocking state pain are from three different theaters of my body...

... first off. I was awakened by a shooting shock of pain originating from the right side of my face. While asleep, while dreaming I suspect, I bit down on and pushed onto a very loose tooth further into my right jaw. Friends, talk about a shocking horror! Shitting thing woke me like a damned nightmare. This stems and is the business of a loose tooth that I have let go. I be as a child. Oh, how I have tried to pull this damned tooth from my aching skull. For shits sake, there's something there fighting to stay. So, I'm going to leave this damned thing alone and will be seeing my new dentist this week. Sooner the better. God, Please, I'm holding on, dentist won't touch me without consent from my Neurological Professor and He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Task-task-task. Shit. All of this prolongs the inevitable. I do not enjoy visiting dentist. My bad.

Morbidly, I say, the pains in my skull, neck, and shoulders is the stuff of un-imagined inner self torture. There have been way too many times, when I have worn and hurt my thumbs and fingers trying to penetrate my muscles to fucking massage from the inside out. These inner-ear muscle spasms. The facial spams. My damned back. My God!

Where's my My Super Hero?

Thank you all and all of you for being here with me a spell. Please Kindred, let me share, I believe I have pre-aged a bit, or have had an escalation of my ageing processes. Yes, my heart does this hollow thumpy-thump when I think of this ageing process called life. So sweetly subtle life brings us, then swings us along.

Sounds like my body's song and dance with loss of weight, is a place I an living with currently. A place I am so familiar with. But, I hush and move along. Keeping a forward motion. Eh? Oh no, nothing turning me or us back now. Folk's, I'm really just to young for some of these stresses. OMG! Oh, but yes, as a result of these series of Botox, all in and on my face, my neck and shoulders, and scalp - I speculate that things are beginning to balance and change on the left of my face! Yes, changes brought on by such a wonderfully bold Professor with The University Of South Florida at Tampa General Hospital. She-With-Many-Names, is aware of what changes, what torture and daily life altering pain from neurological that I have lived, and am living. I must somehow realize I am still 'too young', and have more life to live. I am knowing we have only just begun certain processes, but say, say. I want a life and I know what to say. I see. Seen. I see a different face, as I look back in the mirror from time to time. Yes, I see what working hard in life has done to a beautiful face, I see the results of nuerological issues brought on by surgeries. I see with myself and team of doctors, awesome changes that are not too far away. I see some of them now! I see changes in my life happening now! Let me stop now. Um. Well then, yes, I have taken my medicine and shall shortly return to my corner of Mother Earth. I wish all Kindred peace. Seen.

Merry Christmas everybody! Ohhhhhh, this time of year is a fucked up time of year for me too!! Ew shit!
Look! Being 54, having a damned loose tooth and living in cinstant pain is driving me crazy right now! Good night then.

As A Globe Wide Team, Path's Crossed 30,000 Times

Dearest Relations,

I am blessed to open this entry by stating with full heart that this simple blog, "Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path", has been visited over thirty thousand times. This simple blog about a simple fellow with an invisible complicated disease known as Meniere's. With much gladness and ease, I say thank you so very much to each and every one reader. I say thank you very much to each and every guest who stuck their eye's in here with a cup of tea or demitasse of espresso. I say thank you, to each and every individual who stopped if even but for a moment. A crossing of path's.

As a globe wide team, we have all met here at some time or another, all of us who have gathered here over the past three or so years, to read about the ups and downs that comes with Meniere's Disease, the all of what this bastard of a silent disease brings to the person, me, that the disease apparently decided to inhabit. It has been this team of thousands, who while here on blog or in my private day to day life, have witnessed my raging against this disease. And the eventuality of having cervical spin problems, the pains that result from having compounding neurological illnesses and issues, and My Good God, the pain that lives in here twenty-four hours per day. All of those pills, tiny sub-lingual, giant tablets, capsules and all of that assorted shit.

Right. Please accept my many, very many thanks for reading me go on profane utterances. No matter or whatever the subject, when it comes to my patient rights, my rights as a disabled person, as a Deaf person. The rights that I have as a Mixed Blood in this country, America. My America. When speaking of such passionate matters, all of these subjects in particular are a few of those damned triggers. Oh, and please, the profanity comes easy when the topic of these and every miscellaneous chemical I am required to digest, provides plenty good fucking frustration. Seen. I am here. There's work to get done. My journey has just begun. For now, I wish to close this communique gladly and honored. I am humbled, number's over 30,000 are well beyond my simple imagination. Thank you one and all, and Thank you, Great Spirit!

Time For "Share and Say It!"

Hello Kindred,

Many weeks have passed since I last gathered a quick Share and Say It. It is something more than a Top 10 and I work it similarly to a word association, though, I enjoy them as well. Without any more yack-yack, here we go ...

1. It doesn't matter to me what we have to do as a team to get me into a different playing level.
2. The Sleeping was interrupted yesterday, I just didn't want to sleep anymore.
3. So I stayed awake twenty four plus hours and have slept two today.
4. Hey, what can I say? This Meniere's controls me. There is no cure, no pill or tablet.
5. Though it seems my inventory increases, as I have begun month three of methadone.
6. A Class C narcotic.
7. Whew! I share with you, my guests and readers that I had visual hallucinations.
8. And the complication of audio hallucinations.
9. For shits sake, this is the medicine my professor has ordered for my painful days.
10. These absolutely terrible pains have occupied the most of these past twenty four hours.
11. For how many years, I do not know.
12. From my scalp and neck, down my shoulders and both arms, pains run thick and deep.
13. There were times when pains approached 'Ten's', with such force, the emergency department was next move.
14. The morrow I will call my professor, with gladness and a dash of assertiveness. I what to be kept not only in the loop of these matters, I will be the first to receive calls in the future.
15. I am awaiting instruction on further MRI imaging. Re-testing.
16. In the mean time, I am tortured by this neurological anomaly.
17. My right ear was popping so loud and clearly earlier that it sounded like a fire cracker.
18. No. No fire works around here and it hurt something dreadful.
19. The sweats and nausea enjoy double teaming me. Sweat, vomit, repeat. Then repeat again.
20. This right ear is getting pitiful on the hearing piece. The hearing aid is a part of my present.
21. Though, not my balance. Again, today I have fallen. My right arm, shoulder, and neck have filed their complaints.
22. Dizziness so bad, it feels as if I am constantly removing myself from a festival ride.
23. I have been an ill fellow long enough to see how some Folks and their clinics tend to slow down a bit prior to holidays. Not mine, Honey, we've got work to do.
24. I have continued to lose and mange loss of weight. God knows how much I love my 501's.
25. Steadfast boundaries are established, are in place, and shall remain so.

Well, straight from between these two ears and quick off the hip. Hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed tossing it together. By the way, this is quickly composed and is not censored. I don't have a need to. Seen.

Boundaries, My Disease's And I Are Not Your Joke

Time. Having passed so quickly by, brings me here several weeks fast forward, it seems. As if I have been chosen the busy one, so too busy since I was last here on the blog. Chatting with you, my guests and reader's.

My health piece has had me under it's control, though I have maintained contact with those who need to know and with them I love. Since Saturday, the 7 December, I have dealt with the sleep that comes post Meniere's Disease attacks. I have slept well past eighty hours of life in a hand full of days.

Over the course of these same weeks, I have also been at charge with establishing true boundaries with them who I have attempted to do so with in the past, I have attempted to communicate and speak clearly on how this feels in my heart. So then, I grew weary of repeating myself over and over again. No, it's is not damned funny when you play 'fake' Sign Language. Think back to that fool in South Africa, who got away with making an ass of himself, our Deaf People's and the South African government. I am glad he was caught in South Africa, he will suffer the consequences, as well as the folks who put him there. What an ass-hole. No, my deadest Kin, it is not funny. It is not funny when you get to play and re-play emotional games when it comes to my disabilities. Time and time again. I am your brother, I am your Kin Folk and Kindred One, these cruel games, especially these you play with that are in my skull, brains, neuro systems, and me being Deaf and Hard of Hearing, and truly fuck away if you joke this is selective hearing.


These illnesses that affect my body and mind every damned day of life will no longer be a source of entertainment. Never, ever again for any of you. Yes, I have already had the feedback I expected. As I knew this is how this conversation would turn out. NO! I am not responsible for the way you would react to a rational adult conversation, neither is it my fault. Not in any way or form - I can not make a person say or do what this Kin Folk. If I speak with you you about this subject understand that it is a sensitive matter when it really isn't necessary for the drama. Own up to 'your damned' words or activities and we move along then. Seen.

No. Not yours or theirs, and then if after, perhaps for me, too many side bar's, things change.

No, this isn't a matter of woof-woof or meow-meow. Not a matter of fault or blame, this is simply, a matter of fucking fact. I am deaf. I am Hard of Hearing. I can't breathe too well sometimes because I can't breathe. I have a loose tooth on the lower right jaw. I have listened to the spinning wheel of "Wheel Of Fortune", for what seems like hours, I have had a squadron of WWII Fighter Jets stuck in suspended animation above my home. Botswana says no, there is nothing there. I believe her. My Cervical spine is at war with my body. I have cried today. I cry daily and nightly, over these fucking pains that are so bad that all I can do is cry. I fall over nothing. The walls and door ways and arches move in my life. My right ear pops and plops out loud. I hear and listen to sounds and voices and noises in my home. Going to The-Store-With-The-Big-Red-Dot is very tasking for me, as is the trip to my favorite market where shopping is a pleasure - though I must report, that I have fallen in love with a local German Super Market. A place I have never fallen!

Right then, I gotta stop a spell.  Love, peace, and more peace.

P.S. I am only doing what Mr. Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd, asked me to do all those years ago. And yes, I am expressing myself with great gusto! Along with sweet R&B and pure pre-Funk. The sounds of realization and an awakening. Yes, Zena, I still listen to this sweetness to this day. "What ever you do - do it good." "You all do it!" "It's not what you like, when ever you do, whatcha do, do it good. It's whatcha doing when you're doing - whatcha look like when you're doing it. Express yourself. Express yourself. Do it to it! You all do it! I am a doing it! Huh? I am Fifty-Four years of age, and can say that I am still learning just how to express myself. If you don't like what I speak of, don't read me. I Hey, hey, hey, I'm here to express myself. Seen?

An Answer, To A Question From A Reader

Kindred One,

This is an answer to a readers question, "What is it like to have Meniere's Disease and be in crowds?"

Dearest Reader and Guest,

I speak only from an I basis and share that I have had moments in time when I have felt a rush of anxiety while in large crowds, but I am not certain if I could say that this is totally from the Meniere's Disease. With the total loss of hearing in my left ear and poor quality hearing in my right ear, created by Meniere's, I can say then that yes, I feel a difference while in public's large crowds. There are times I feel strong and walk well with my implant sitting out up there and am okay and will chat and speak with Folks in a crowd. Waiting in line to gain entrance to the stadium for a game with ten's of thousands of other Folks, having a Bud and waiting for the game. Dear Reader, I'm trying not to let that become a piece of my Meniere's and these symptoms. In my case, there are so damned many that it tests my sanity. Yes, the crowds, I have been to concerts by George Michaels, George Strait, Stevie Nicks, Alan Jackson, amongst other artists and have attended activities on occasion in public, with POW Wow's, Pride Festivals, and such and what like. Since I was struck by this Meniere's, I have kept the attitude that I want to push my envelope as far and as strongly as I can.

I have had issues with Meniere's in these situations. Some at the festivity and mostly while I was facing symptoms to begin with. Unfortunately for me, I tend to have symptoms at some level or degree twenty four hours a day. So what am I to do is keep on doing what it is I have to do. I live to live and learn. By the way, I can get anxious as hell while standing in line at the market from the gagging, sweating, dizziness and the wish to lie down on the floor at the store where shopping is a pleasure. God.

That was an mighty fine question Kindred One. I hope I gave some sort of perspective based on me and my experiences with Meniere's. Please keep in mind that I am not a professional and do not represent myself as such. Then, it is my belief , the crowd issues will happen only as it is to happen. I have no control. Neither does any other person with Meniere's Disease. I wish you well with your adventures returning to safe crowds and enjoy your life immensely. I truly hope I have shed some light on this matter for you my dear reader. And Kindred One, if this is something that is particularly difficult for you, I would ask you please to consult a Pastor, parent, or therapist.

Love, peace, and more peace,
Mario

Meniere's Sleep, My Cousins Peacock, and Contemplating Frankenstein

Relations,

Until 1700 today I had slept, sleeping hard and heavily, and so much so I missed several calls on both the cellular device and home telephone. I am aware there were Meniere's Disease related issues going on all day yesterday, and then today was a follow up on the sounds, dizziness, and nausea. The usual suspects and assorted symptoms of this invisible disease.

Last night and during the course of my sleep, through the night and the sleep of today I have been tortured by pains in my neck, back and shoulders. Let me share, to many respects and some degree, I say yesterday's torture, what with the Frankenstein monster mask that is bolted to the tonnage of metal. This is hideous. All of those "don't move's please", all afternoon. All of which created many exhausted and pained muscles and skeleton. The social calendar yesterday affected my day today as well. The thoughts of the way I was treated by these professional people at a diagnostic center of all places, truly disappointed me. Right. I suspect spending an afternoon between tons of metal and magnets was enough to trigger many physical and emotional/psychological scenes and pains. So, I prayed, and said my Catholic prayers too. What?

NOTE: I failed to mention yesterday, that I was not provided a patient call cord or button.

Today, was today, and it has been here and gone. The warmth and darkness of night has been here in the sanctuary and preserve many hours now. Our bird cousins of the night are out and about, singing their beautiful song. That breeze coming in from the East has been welcoming. Soon cool come back. Earlier today, maybe late afternoon sometime, I heard and listened to peacocks, the screaming and hollering at each other from a distance, back and forth, carrying on a chat like they're on the telephone. It is an awesome music, I am so happy, and it is so wonderfully good for their return. I have to admit, I thought the worst case scenario had happened. Seen? But no, my fancy tail cousins are back and around. Great Blessings, Sir!

A Note To Baby Sister Mom-Of-Two-Males, Congratulations!

Seen?

And a whole bunch of Folks know what's this and what's that's. Right. And, your son's know this, Sis to Ma, Ma to Dad even though they're dead, folks would say same-same...

...they also know, no, knew, their Mother, their Mommy works hard everyday. They know that Mommy goes to work sick sometimes and she prays.

And She prays everyday for the two most awesome kids in the world. My nephews.

She works hard every day of her life and don't hate her you all. She's doing what she's got to do.

It's just a fact that there is a whole damned bunch of us Kin Folk here in our Clan, who know and have a good idea this baby sister of mine and ours took after her Dad. Our Daddy.

I love you Kid Sis!! There are so many people out here who love, Honor, and respect you for what you do and for what you have done.

Goodness gracious great balls on fire! You ROCK!

Work it baby girl!

You deserve this. Congratulations! Congratulations! Big time damn it, Woman. Can't wait to see and read about you in the social pages! Huh? Well, alright then, I thought you knew.

Love, until my last breathe, your big brother Mario. Please Mamaw, please check on the weight of that turkey. Okay, love? Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Love ya Kid! Seen?

Today's MRI's And Business Of Meniere's

Hello, Howdy, and Greetings,

Yes, yes, I am doing okay, maybe even, a fair state of mental and emotional blah-blah-blah. I have spent the past two or three days spinning my wheels worrying and ruminating about the procedures and MRI's I was ordered to have today.

Please, let me share that I made a mistake in not following my instincts weeks ago when I seriously considered terminating my patient diagnostic imaging clinic. There's just been too many stories, too many 'I let her talk me into the tube' and Dear Folks, these good, kind peoples have known me as a patient for decades. Not a year or two or few, but for decades.

I brought home one of those customer satisfaction cards for evaluation. Honey, it's best I not complete any of the sorts this evening. The most of today was kick started by a call saying I was not accepted for the tests. Oh My Good-Goodness God, the lady's at the diagnostic center wanted to call me at 0935 this morning, ten minutes before my chauffeur got here, talking about there was not approval. Then, I let some poop hit the fan in my brains, so I let my sister know, that I could hardly understand her by her lies and speaking in such a banged up form of 'Spanglish' I couldn't make and knew she was fake, bad. There was no one speaking like that while I spent a chunk of my afternoon there. But, really, how in the hell is a company going to call the patient 10 minutes before the van and chauffeur shows up at my drive way. God Bless America! I lite up like the Christmas lights at The Griswold's and then! Them folks understood that what Ms. She was talking about was unacceptable, and she lied too! The diagnostic company was on the telephone, Botswana was on the telephone at here job, and I was on two telephones her at home.

By the way, I informed Miss. Lady-Who-Speaks-With-Forked-Tongue, that I was going to be visiting the clinic and that the van was to be here any minute. Well, by the time, I finished, I had the numbers, names, and satisfaction of having this mysterious stupid-number folks found themselves lieing and going through changes over.

And! I made the mistake of witnessing and having this very-teenie-tiny-Miss.-White-Lady, cut damned straight in front of me. I mean, she who had no booty or meow-meow, it looked same-same in front and back, but anyways, yes, I was by-passed by a white woman. This truly happened today. For shits sake, a run----right in front of my big ass - and had white over this big-ass-mixed-breed in the fucking year 2013. Well, I be a son-of-a-bitch. I saw this happen right before my eyes. Please, my Lord, let me rest well tonight No, I did not speak up or speak out. The folks were about to process MRI's on me. I didn't want to be some body's oops. Seen? No damned accident. True? There was no speaking with anybody or any one today about this humiliation. And then, to boot, them Folks had me in an MRI contraption that was so huge! I was horrified of getting squished. So off the freaking crazy train I went! Passed Georgia too! Look, I was the ham and the cheese between two huge magnetic metal monster's of a machine! OH, My Lawd!

PLEASE NOTE:

NEVER ONE TIME, NOT ONCE, I SAY, WAS I PROVIDED EAR PROTECTION! I WAS IN THIS MACHINE FOR OVER THREE WHOLE DAMNED HOURS. 3.5+ HOURS THERE ABOUT WITH AND WITHOUT THE FRANKENSTEIN MASK. WITH AND WITH OUT CONTRAST. A NEW HALF-a-FACE MASK AND A FUCKING CONTRAPTION THAT WRAPPED AROUND ME, MY ARMS AND CHEST AND STOMACH! WELL, SHIT NO THAT DIDN'T WORK, WE RELEASED MY ARMS! MY HYPER-ACTIVE, CLAUSTROPHOBIC, TWITCHING UPPER BODY. THE PAINS IN MY NECK, BACK, EARS AND SKULL. AS I LISTENED TO THIS MADDENING MACHINE FOR OVER THREE HOURS! WTF IS THAT?!...

... tonight, and all evening, and since I left the Starbucks that was across the street, I have not felt myself. My core is sensitive and I really haven't wanted to speak to anyone tonight. It's best this way, en'it?

I have had the entire spectrum of my Meniere's sounds and noises, run through this skull today. All day. My tears came too easily earlier this morning. I am not accustomed to what it feels like when I am lied too and disrespected. How are you as a company really going to by pass a customer over another because of ethnicity. And why lie to a customer like I was lied to this morning?

What about this, why even lie? Seen.

The balance and coordination pieces have been fair today. Too many bumps into and hitting my legs on walls and furniture. I have had several inner ear spasms in both ears. There has been a steady dizziness that seems to have lingered since yesterday. From light to heavy, I must navigate with caution. I don't throw myself with reckless abandon into stuff. Usually. Dig?

Hearing. Sounds and Noises, Deaf Left and Hard of Hearing Right Ear Hole To The Brain

Greeting's to one and all,

This is a quick summary of how my day went with the Meniere's Disease today, and how the many etcetera's, affected my many emotions. The disgusting sweats, nausea, the all-day dizziness, stumbles, and bashing into walls and furniture.

Well, it went something like this.

Today, 15 November 13, I have had three or four left inner ear spasms. Deep and so unreachable, that the pain halts the notion of time, and I ride the pain threw for as long as it may take. There is not anything else I can do. Happy to say no ear spasms from the right hard of hearing ear, though I must say that the right ear hole to the brain, has had loud damned popping off and on all day. Oh yes, and by the way, I fought the sleep earlier today and victory was mine. I did not succumb to the powers of Meniere's related sleeping marathons, I have experienced way too many times over the years just how I am powerless over the sleep and slumber of Meniere's, to sleep is dictated by the disease.

 Right. Moving along then. I have had two facial spasms today, both on the left. Something that I have been wanting to share is that day before yesterday, Wednesday, it must had been, I had a spasm from hell and while manipulating the left cheek and jaw, I felt a pop and had complete, utter pain in the corner of my jaw. I am happy to report that though sore and bruised, I am better on that piece and having just two spasms in my beautiful left face was bonus. It hurts so bad. I promise this, my friends. Really, there have been times when all I can do is moan or howl, as loudly as possible, which usually isn't likely because of the spasm happening in my left face.

Kindred One, consider this, imagine the last time you had a foot or calf muscle spasm. Maybe a back spasm you may have had, now, imagine applying this horrid spasm pain to your face. Yes, just like that and that might have been a fine description in visual form right there. Seen?

The right hard of hearing ear has been hard of hearing all day and has had a series of sounds and noises that have been monotonous and frustrating as hell. For most of all day, including up to this damned instant, I can hear and am listening to cicadas in my right hard of hearing ear. But the ones I listen to are so damned loud and do not originate from the preserve out back, these giant bastards live and have concert within the confines of my skull. My Mr. Potato Head. Seen. In my deaf left ear I have been listening to very loud and obnoxious forms of communications. Damned beeps, and more beeping, sonar, and tele-type ticker tape, all are damned near more than I can handle. Shit. I must include the day long noise and sounds of the engine of a zeppelin, immediately above my lodge forty or so yards high and stuck in suspended animation. Right here over this address. I have noticed an increase in helicopter traffic out there and some how they all locate my number and remain above. Yes. From within my thick ass skull. Not out side.

Sometimes I Forget To Breath

Hello, and welcome back to my path, which is also my safe place. I come here to open up and share what's going on with the Meniere's in my DNA, its symptoms and ups and downs of what Meniere's does to me, my life and the way I live. Having this safe place provides me the opportunity to communicate of other diseases, the cervical spine pain and issues, the lesions on the spinal cord, the illnesses, and cornucopia of life that seems to have reached a bottle neck in the nerves of all the hemisphere's of my extraordinary simple computer center.

This is where I have the connections and lightening bolts of electricity bouncing and striking about my brain, creating energy for me, supplying me with hope and a motivation to move. To keep on keeping on. This mind, my spirit's, heart and I are to battle each bout of Meniere's Disease with attacks of positive energy and influence. On an every attack basis with Meniere's and pain.

I say, I must remember to remember to breathe, sometimes when I become anxious or upset, I truly forget to breath. One of the worst sensations in a persons life is to lose breathe. It is an absolutely horrifying, mind bending event.

Asthma, has rendered necessary for me to increase the amount of breathing treatments. Due to this exacerbation of the pulmonary disease, asthma. I have abused my emergency inhalers, I am aware of this, but damn it my friend, the need to breath is paramount in my life and I know what it feels like to have my breath stop breathing.

I can only cry when I can't breath, and when I cry the emotions affect my breathing. There have been too many trips in an ambulance to hospital - too many times I drove myself straight to the emergency department door. My dearest wife, Bwanna keeps on me to take my treatments. She's such good medicine for me. I love her so. My safe place here lets me cut open my heart, to expose my minds inner most memory's. My memory's. So too many bad ones from my youth. I have shared them here. Please, I wish to thank you, my Kindred One's, for being here with me, thank you for letting me vent, and for letting me be true. Raw. Honest about all. My Path. Seen?

Last Communique Left Me Feeling Incomplete, A Chat

Please, pardon me, as I have felt heavy hearted for so long, to have this major break through from out of the clear weeks ago continue with my focus being sharpened, my boundaries more secure and sure. With the last communique sent out and about I felt incomplete, almost as if I hadn't had enough time with your company. I feel safe and at ease when I am here describing my path, my life, as I see, feel, and live this life I have been blessed to have with you, my Guest. Oh, good-damn-goodness, there is always something going on. Even I have found myself in some uplifting, good and glad circumstances with Folks who cross paths with me during times of ill. Many times and to my core, the synchronicity of having lives cross still gives me blisters on the sides of my brains.

Sometime good, some times maybe not, and then my friends, there are the times when socks and shoes have been knocked off, figuratively speaking of course, but even still, leaving me with a bit of a missed breath, as if having to inhale twice at one time. I do not mean to be interpreted as an ape pounding my chest, I just wish to share how I am okay with the concept of some others who find me one they would like to get to know, I reckon maybe, I never get over that flush when flirted with. Ya-Hey, WTF, I've always been a smooth operator, but I'm not the one looking, you see? I'm a very happily married man. One man married to his early-back-in-the-day, earlier-than-high-school-sweet-heart, my dear bride, Bella Bawnna. Dang. I promise I won't write like that for a minute, all of them damned dashes and shit, but anyways, to have them who are searching for their prey in a Super Market or a Department Store, gives me a dash of creepy  feeling most times.

 True? Hell yeah it is true!

Alright, yes, okay that's tough, maybe so it is folks are out looking for their love. True. I'm not, and for that matter, I am ALWAYS with Brings-The-Water. I mean, some of these Women have the 'nads to flirt with me close to my Old Guuurl, they don't know. No, Honey's, they don't know.

One other thing that is so uncool in these huge boxes is a deaf and hard of hearing dude getting lost in the store with the big red dot. Shoot, mess around and I have to whistle our family bird call, then Mama whistle back - and damn it, it sound like she is way over there and three isle over buy the paper goods. Hey! It's ugly as hell to feel lost. I know this. I have felt it. To be separated from my Doctor Baby Mama, who I love her so much, is like damned crazy, uncomfortable. This woman is my I Dream Of Jennie, my Earth Angel, my Earth Mate, the person I have been married with for thirty four years and approaching forty on the years we have known one another. My Little Blonde Mixed Breed Cuban, Red Neck, Georgia Peachy Baby Doll was for real. She Is for real and here we are now, our baby girls grown and growing, we have our hounds and turtles, each other, our love and the roof over our head. Like Randy says, yo, we're in it to win it!

I want to be right here next to you. Love.

Reporting: 14 November 2013, Meniere's And Neurological Update

Today, 14 November 2013, has been a roller coasters ride that provided me moments of pleasure, enjoyment, tears, fears, and pain's from the miscellaneous odds and ends ailing my young body. Sure, I know, fifty four isn't exactly the new thirty four, but there is some good coming out of a lot of hard work inside this skull and from outside of this lodge. Good energy and positive strengthening infusions coming from folks in my team who have invested time and energy into my case, as a patient. In whichever capacity I may be representing at any particular place or time, as a patient. No matter the doctor or practice, nor whether it be with my therapist Sir Dude, who had counsel with me this afternoon. Our visit was quite timely, too many weeks without my sit down made for a me with pent up notions. The exchange was above average, I was near an anxiety melting and did in fact melted some as I must have cried for ten minutes or so, a couple of moments when I was on the verge of crying uncontrollably. Trust.

Those many special and wonderful folks who work with She-With-Many-Names, my professor at the University of South Florida at Tampa General Hospital's, Neurological Pain and Burn Center are an above average team that function effortlessly. That awesome Crew at the clinic where my right good doctor, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, practices medicine. His clinic is phenomenal in every aspect of patient care that I can think of at this time. The staff are professional, caring, and empathetic. Over the course of the past four plus years of working with doctor and staff on the Meniere's Disease, the surgery's, and procedures, the deafness and loss of hearing, are all matter of the disease we have deal with here at this world renowned practice. It would not be right of me if I did not share with you, my Guest's and readers, I have fallen in love with my doctor, my Dr. Audiologist, who's cute as a button she is, his every assistant rock's the free world - Roger's Mommy is an awesome young lady who is an above average doctor's assistant. She is such a professional, but, has taken moments with me to shed a tear or three. Every staff member in his employ here at Tampa Bay Hearing & Balance Center, are the kind of folks we as manager's can only pray to have work for us. In my heart, I am related to every and each one. We've come a long way, and we all know there is more work to be done. The ear spasms continue, my hearing continues to decrease in quality, the unusual healing at the site of my implant and abutment continues to have issue every once in a while, and of course, the necessity of my medications which will have me visit my clinic every couple or few months. If you would like to have a look and read, the email address is, www.tampabayhearing.com . A true, extraordinary practice is here for help.

For now, and for a time spell, much focus has been shifted, which has been blessed Dr. Danner, and this is to be the "what's happening" on the other side of hospital compound and grounds. The severity of these pains, are pain's that are an around-the-clock life of pain. The misery of these pains will sometimes trigger anger at self and this shit is so depressing. All of the above and the issue with lack of improvement or recovery has influenced my professor at the Neurological Pain Center into further action. We are to continue with another round of Botox, this is round one of three and will take place on 25 November. The cervical spine pain, the pain in this neck of mine has changed my attitude and has changed my mind on a few things in life and my path. Facial Spasms are unreal. Who would think? And to be stirred from a deep sleep in the darkness of night by the nine pain going on in my upper body plays with a mans emotions. Dig?

Kindred One, this pain and pains in my back, shoulders, and arms, weigh heavy on me and are pressing matters more as time comes. Negative relief from the pills and capsules. The mystery's behind all of this, the mystery of a lesion on the tip of my spinal cord. Yes, there is concern, this is a concern that comes from proper places in my energy. There are medical file's with my name on them full of reports and notes on those Botox injections, the injections of nerve blocks, the medications of a variety and a classification of high security that I take by mouth everyday. These are not good indicators. Talk between She-With-Many-Names and I, become more and more about surgery. Medicinally speaking, we are just about at maximum full speed ahead. Time.

Earlier this afternoon, I contacted the diagnostic center to coordinate appointment dates and times for the various MRI's that have been ordered by my Professor. Next Wednesday, 20 November, I will have the following procedures conducted; MRI Cervical Spine, with out contrast. MRI Thoracic Spine with and with out contrast, this one order, according to Procedure Requisition is 'evaluation for further lesions related to lumbar area. Procedure three is MRI of the Brain With Contrast. This to evaluate for further lesions related to lumbar area. And for shits sake, I just read and noticed for the first time that the fourth MRI Cervical Spine With and With out Contrast, is another "evaluation for further lesions related to lumbar area". Shit.

Seen.

I Share This From My Spirit's

I was plagued by ear spams in both ears today, mostly the left but there were several spasms in my right ear hole to the brain. Having mentioned the right ear I would like to say that hearing with this ear has become so distracting that there are times that I prefer silence of a quiet home because I am being kept active enough listening to the sounds and noises that are generated from within this precious skull of mine. There is no combating or medicating nothing I can do about these sounds, many of which originates in my left deaf ear. When having conversation with another it is absolutely necessary to have my face to the speakers face. I have reminded Kin Folk and them in my circle time and time again that I am deaf and hard of hearing. Yes, I said Kin Folk. Still. It's like, well, what the hell, I've only been single side deaf since 2009., and have the unfortunate business of losing hearing in the right at an alarming rate of time. As is my sight. I have been wearing glasses for many years and have really never noticed such a drastic loss in such a brief period of time. I have this gut feeling that Meniere's plays a roll in this though I do not know by fact. When mentioning this to He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, he ordered me to see an eye doctor, well, good God doc., I had figured as much, but does this have something to do with this case of Meniere's Disease? Perhaps a bit of reading on my part may have a calming affect in the brains. Well, shit yes I tend to stress a bit, just might be stress that will get me my one way ticket home to be with Jesus, my Saint Mary, Mom, Dad, Abuela Mary, Grandpa Roy and get to meet my Cherokee grandmother Flossi. What an honor this will be. But anyways, didn't mean to have that passing over thing slip into the conversation, but America, there's no stress or concern here on dieing. Today has been an extraordinarily good day to die, but, I didn't. Here I am and I am okay with this too. I love my life, I love my wife, my daughters and our hounds. I love this Mixed Blood that I have flow threw these veins of mine. These arteries and vessels by which my blood gets from here to back here. I look forward to the remainder of my days here on Earth Mother. These changes taking place within my life and circle are changes that are not totally unfamiliar, it is Botswana's and my job to get back on the right foot and do the things we must to protect our home and future here at our lodge and sanctuary. Home. I don't like it when I have a White person talk to me about my house or my financial affairs. Oh yes, one more thing that I do not accept or tolerate is folks "telling" me what to do. That is an instant turn off and could jeopardize what ever relationship we may have. I bet I don't go around and about on my path telling folks what to do in their lives. Please, to hell with that waste! Let me stop. That's just not a good scene. Today, I rested from what I acknowledge were post attack symptoms of Meniere's though I slept little, which for me is victory. I tried to read, but the noises and peculiar issues with sight caused uncomfortable sensations in my head and stomach. I did make contact on social media with folks I enjoy communicating with, I swear it gets so lonely here when it is me and the hounds. We make it through the day - the pack in the preserve. The silence I spoke of earlier is a double edged sword, I tell you this from my heart, maybe I am ready to have less of all of this noise and racket of this environment I live in. I love music and am enjoying some Verve Remix as I chat, there's just to many voices and energy I am tired of listening to. My right ear works when and as it wishes. (Bil, I await your return call) I continue to have mornings when I must wait for my right ear to become a hearing ear, as if the functionality of the ear was affected by sleep. There are majority of times when the hearing is shit poor and I just go along as I have learned to do - other times I am able to pick out an instrument in a song that I never noticed before. Yes, odd, but what the hell am I to do. Live with it is what I say, just like the damned ear spasms and facial spasms. The sounds and noises and noises and sounds wreck havoc in my life every moment of everyday of my awake life. Pains in my neck, shoulders, and arms are near a 9. Maybe an 8.5, time. Yes, I have taken my PM medications. There have even been events when I have been stirred by the sounds and noises in the night.  My ears. Today, the dizziness and awkwardness has made for unsteady steps and walking about. Thank God, I wear shoes in house because I would have broken every toe by now. No joke. I had a dreadful stumble and near fall, earlier this evening, embarrassingly right in front of my dearest Brazil. My Earth Mate! I love your voice darling! I will be visiting with my therapist Sir Dude, come the afternoon tomorrow. It is a good thing. Also tomorrow, I shall schedule MRI's with a diagnostic center that won't lie or deceit me. It is necessary that I release from my services two company's. One, this diagnostic center here in town that I have been a consumer of for many years for misleading me. One other that I am not prepared to speak of at this moment. Negative energy is bad medicine, lieing to patients is bad medicine, so it is time to move on. All of this, I share from my Spirit's.

And Then November Happened

Moving along this path of mine with a steady attitude and fair rate of speed. I am unable  to get out and about as near as I would like to, or no way near as much as I would intend to, but it's my purpose to keep my chip up and move along with business in hand. I follow orders given by my doctor's, professor, and therapist with as much motivation as I might muster. I keep my Kin Folk and Kindred, in mind and heart. Them "well intendeds" who wish my well, I keep them in mind the best as I can too.

Sometimes I remember to keep me in mind. No, honestly I do.

The past forty-eight hours have had me sleep more than being awake and productive. Beginning Sunday, and then again yesterday I had to Meneire's Disease attacks, the time of duration of both attacks were between 30 and forty five minutes. The symptoms of nausea, which has been productive and omni present. The perpetual state of dizziness, sweating, perspiring, and misting, has made for uncomfortable times. Even in my sleep. And speaking of which, the sleeping has lasted up until late afternoon today at approximately 1700, when I was able to stir and remove myself from my safe place. Walking has been not so good with several stumbles, bumps in to, bashing my head on the wall in the bath room twice. From an out of body point of view, I think my balance has become problematic. Something I am doing to in my sense, attack this issue is to work harder to become a healthier target when my body hits the Earth. It has happened, it happens, and it will happen again, so I have taught myself my own form of Yoga and Tai Chi for an imbalanced fellow. In this case, the wall is an Allie. I have also re-introduced light weights to a regimen that covers my hands, fore arms, upper arms and shoulders. I have found this very beneficial with the combat verses the fucked up pains in the same areas. I really don't know though if what I am doing is a good thing. I believe I have been owned by the pain. Too damned much pain for too damned long. It may seem like I attempt to combat pain with pain, I do not. This is a therapy that I know in my muscles and bones that must be lived as a way of life. The time spent between March and the present, represents many long weeks and months of total inactivity. Depression. Neurological Pain. Cervical Spine Pain. Meniere's Disease. The exacerbation's of Asthma.

Now, November has gone and happened. I'm feeling myself waking up in a Holistic sense. I actually feel myself making a turn in my psyche's. My attitude and commitment to self and family. Negative is as negative does. Seen. I have had too much more than I wish to have ever endured and am prepared to say and or do whatever it is I have to. There is not any other's out here standing up for me. Shit. I see it too damned often. It is amazing that I have only just recently understood in my heart and spirit's that it is not necessary for me to have negative influences, people's, and or energies in or near my life. Yes, and oh yes, I have dealt with these issues in the past, and have established boundaries before. Let us just agree to say that I have come to my damned senses. I have taken measured steps and have secured myself to make and enforce the past made boundaries are here to protect my path and the direction I am directed. Sadly. it has been necessary for me to create such boundaries. It is my responsibility to ensure there are sure, secured, and thick boundary's between these energy's. Really, this is what all this comes down to. No right or no wrong. Quite simply, there are just too many negative influences in and around my Circle of Circle's. For my Freedom. For my peace of mind. It is right to close a few chapters in the path called life recently. Reckon issues are to be resolved and then time to move along.

Changes

Kindred Spirits,

Before I should jump into today's subject matter and concerns, I pray for my Brothers and Sisters in the Philippine's, and all fellow Earth Folk throughout the Pacific. I have had ceremony, have contemplated and have prayed for each and all who are being affected in any way by this catastrophic super cyclone. I listen to what the press and news reports say, I'm afraid these numbers reported of Human loss is being under presented, the latest reports approximately one thousand dead. This is not what needs to be represented, the numbers of them who have perished are horrifying. I prey, Great Spirit, bless the children and the elders, those who have died and all who have survived. My God, this is not only a Philippine or South Pacific catastrophic event, it's a catastrophic world event.

Great One, please bless Kin Folk who live abroad and have no means to contact or connect with their family and friends back home. My imagination has had a freeze frame and does not permit me to contemplate much deeper the events that have taken place, how this has changed the life of millions of people. It is necessary for me to let loose of the holding on to this in my center. As a human there isn't much I am able to do, but pray. What I find myself in the position of doing is finding certainty in that these tragic changes and events are being taken care of and managed by God. I continue to pray for my brothers and sisters in Syria. Her peoples do not deserve the injustice of our World permitting Genocides in Syria. It is sickening to my Spirit's and I, and as a 'modern day people's', it sickens me to a point of nausea and depression to see we ALL sit by to permit yet another Genocide of a Peoples. Please God, Bless Syria!

It is time and way past due to do something about this modern day Genocide. Do we not remember the Genocide's of the Jew's? The Polish and Russian People's? Serbian and Croatian Genocide. Rwanda's, and the very modern day Genocide of my fellow Americans, Black and Brown, and Native American People's.

Let me share some changes taking place here in this country. There has been changes that has been a slow and tedious process. The way and means to combat this situation, 'white rule', which has been something that has haunted our American soil from the introduction of White peoples. What is taking place in the U.S.A., today, is that we, our country's, "All People's of Colour", are silently putting ourselves in the position to take over this bull shit white government and nation. Let me share something else real quick -  soon, and I mean, perhaps as soon as mid century, the "people for the people's" of our country, will be in place to over come the power and authority of a White owned and operated government and country. Changes? Changes.

God Bless America! God Bless the Philippians's! God Bless Syria! 

Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part Three

My dearest Kindred,

With this posting, I bring Chapter Three and a prayerful close to what has been some very deeply embarrassing times for me in life. As I mentioned to my therapist recently, I have begun to look at life around me in a wider than wide screen reality of what my life has been since March 2013. Today, 8 October, there remains ill side affects that I will focus on or not until I am clear about these damned deep and embarrassing times I've been in.

So now, today, I stop this naked spiral, cease travels down paths that were quite often uncomfortable and at times intimidating. There were true and legitimate forces that steered me from my Path and the attentions that are required for life during this present and near future. I am to resume the Path Great Spirit has intended for me to travel. What has been going on over these past few months has required a perseverance, best summed up by my deepest desires and yearning to maintain focus on my path, even when at my lowest points with respect to my mental, emotional and physical issues, I walked. My health has been issues revolving around issues, and all has brought many complications in my day to day life. This blog was created based on the concept and determination to inform other's of what Meniere's Disease has done to me, what these symptoms are doing and have done to my life. My spouses life, my daughters and all Kin Folk and Kindred's lives. Them who have become team mates, working and tasking along side me verses the multiple diseases that trouble this body of mine, including yet another whole team for me with the Neurological issues and implications.

All of my Team's of Dozens of good, kind and right Folks. Each one of them have gone to bat for me, time and time again, I am blessed. I know this. I'd be a damned fool if I didn't know the difference, and speaking of which I have taken steps and measures to remove myself from them with not-same-business-plan as I. Their agenda is not a part of what I have been doing for so many years, and quite simply, that's to keep focus, work my program, and do what doctors say do. My life and my health are in God's hands first, as he guides the doctors and I through what we're facing over the next couple of months or so.

Folks, let me share I am able to remember precisely to the date and time when forward motion of my hearts plans and dreams were dashed. I remember the weather outside of offices that day, I remember where Mr. Bus Driver left me off at the incorrect entrance. That day when I was disrupted and became a man interrupted. Not only was it that my health's present and future's status is unsatisfactory, I have the harsh perception that I had been betrayed. I feel betrayed by an entrusted fellow human spirit. One I felt a special bond and Kindred with. Through the first quarter of our year 2013, I worked with diligence when communicating and talking openly. My life was, as it was early in life. The horror forced upon me  in my early days  in life were so unkind to me and the child I was. With the process I was working with others I opened up an entire fucking life time with folks. The nightmares, panic attacks and high anxiety. Disgusting smell memories returned compounding due in part to what I was or was not attending to during open and raw discussions. Body memories that go against the grain for where I am striving to be. This is the path for the life I am to live day to day. A life where I am ruled by health issues. Doctors appointments, implants, surgeries and operations. Botox injections, medications, hearing aids, vomiting, falling.

Betrayal is betrayal. No matter how one words it. Seen.

Since March 2013, I have permitted myself to walk in the shoes of a victim. I have walked these past months in deep shame and embarrassment's. I am and I am a solitary simple man, who time and time after time permits some one, or somebody, or some folks, to gain my entire trust. With the way things were said or spoken, I honestly feel my trust was betrayed. Another experience of violation, and in my mind, I provided this betrayal of trust to thrust me into a deep dark ravine. My life's motivation's were dealt a harsh blow and major set backs were precipitated back that day. I was placed in a position to mourn and mourning I did and have. On that day, thing's were said and thought of, that changed my mind and my heart's direction. What I experienced that afternoon was an unreal experience and I am still emotionally affected by the realizations of my gross position with Meniere's Disease, the vertigo attacks and all that comes with this twenty four hours-a-day life affecting health issue. The neurological scenario is more than I wish to speak of at the moment.

I could be the last Unicorn, poop gold bricks and Folks still would not hire me. I am a financial drain on any company as a new hire. The reading is on every wall I come across and I have been able to shake a bit of it off here and there, but please, these pictures on slide show in my mind is what I can't explain. I don't read my material's or utterances written in my journals. I don't make habit of going back to read a previous communique here on the blog. The truth, is the truth. I have never thought of debating what was written - neither is there anything I would say or do differently. I felt safe and sure that afternoon, so comfortable, and in trust with right, good folks sitting with me. Folks, doing their job's. My words, as the disease's in my body betrays me. Daily. Even with the kind, loving and helpful words of my Advocate, my therapist, and my dear Counselor, I am down hearted by the reality that my eyes were opened, and I saw my life pass before me.

The disgusting processes of Meniere's Disease often place me in positions to speak and talk with professional after professionals, and doctor upon doctor. The entirety and extraordinary position I find myself in - is all so damned stressful and frustrating, that I do not know how many times I have read and prayed just to settle down a minute. I have talked about my lives, my life beginning as early as I can remember. As I speak here, I speak with an open heart. Please, my Team, understand what it is I am doing. I am finally grabbing that tiger by the tail and placing 'all hands on deck' with respects to where I am in life and health. With more ill health in hand and in store there is a need for that much more attention on self and body. Please, understand. It has been with local government, businesses, and organizations, that have provided me with great hopes and huge anticipations of some day having a brighter future. Sooner than later, I pray. My Good God! It is with these Folks, I have felt very comfortable with, and they felt comfortable with me. These individuals were folks, I believe were establishing relationships with me while doing their jobs. There were a few wonderful gatherings, chats face to face, and conversations over the telephone.

To all of my therapists and counselor's, I say thank you, to all of my psychologists and psychiatrists, I thank you all for your hard work and dedication. It is with your hard work and our Kindred Spirit's in mind, that it is now I must close this chapter in my life and move along.

Please, no ill feelings towards me. Having said all I have shared in these three chapters lets me say whole hearted thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all too.

I have stopped mourning and am absolutely okay with saying that words spoken from my own mouth dictates where I take this self betrayal. I've got to keep on keeping on, so I toughen my skin a bit, pick up my marbles and take the way my path takes me. Someplace better than here. Seen.

Time For Change, Time To Cut The Shit And Move Along

The time has come for me to acknowledge that for well over half of one year, I have permitted boundaries to be trespassed, I have openly permitted negative grown folks let be with their sad state of immaturity in spite of being grown adults, who are of a small few in my circle. Let influences, words, betrayal's affect me and mine. I have let this from others influence my energy. Sadly, my Path too. I have let their word's and their idea's, their point's of view and their boastful banter of their supposed awesomely blessed energy's, knowledge and skill's, and how it is, talk, talk to impress folks when no one is truly really trying not to listen anymore.

Thing's change, I've changed, some Folk's have changed, and now, it's time that we affect a change of many things. I say we because if we don't, I will. It's all so silly simple. Seen?

Reader's, so too many of these silly minded ones play their games. I mean to share that I speak of Kin Folk, a couple of Health care professionals. Kin Folk, I say, as if another round of remove from the traitors and two faced ones. Them who try to toy with emotions and people's way's. As if interference by ego radar waves is your greatest assets. To them, who have been in my circle, now, it is I who feels a sadness because of your sad pitiful ways. That's not how shits supposed to happen, Honey. En'it? You and yours who depend on egomania and your manic stages of lies and cheating folks of time and energy with full fledged bull shit. My time and energy is from now on to be focused on the business of me and a better state of health. My Bride's health, and God, there's so much going on. It has been since March 2013 I let loose of maybe too much. How is somebody going to tell a grown man not to speak in such a way. Wow, I say and well, it's time to bring change and it is time to focus inwards. Study my innards and work with the doctors, professors and Folk. More Botox coming up and a surgery is pending. Fuck. I've had enough.

Fuck. By the way, don't apologize. There isn't none necessary, I say certainly. Please chock this up as a 'Life Lesson'. One we both have learned from. And I have been reminded about my boundaries and have learned not to listen to them who pass along such ill bitterness. I pray. My dear friends and family, please grasp hold of this, take your life by your glands and do something with YOU LIFE. Don't make believe and play this roll of caring so damned much. Bitch please. You spend too much time having your mind on others and their shit, while not minding your own damned business. I admit, you are all skilled and what you do is skillful, but friend, you shade your purposes with agenda's while perpetuating child's play. With grown ass people who depend on you for compassion, understanding, and an occasional hug or visit. It is time now to move along, you and your negative energy's, your habit of leaching like a leach to my mixed blood. No mas. No more. That's it. Yeah, it's best to go ahead and move along. For shits sake, number fifty four just eased on by a minute ago and to tell the truth, my biological watch says it's time for change. Time to take back my energy and focus, cut the shit and move along.

To my family and friends, I'm taking a hold of my glands and I'm going to rock my life. It's time. Oh yes, I ask my dear drama makers, boasters, and them with two faces and two mouths. "lower your voice, lesson your ego and more will listen". I assure you of this.

The Sounds Of Meniere's Disease, A Safe Level Of Madness

The upper layers of my skin and lobes of my brains tell me Fall has reached this region of our South Eastern United States of America. The weather man with bloated self-sense, talks loudly and speaks as if he knows all. Radar and multiple computers checked prior to laughing and speaking to me like he knew me. Please, this is small town Tampa, Florida, we do not require entertainment from news broadcasters. Just share the news, do your jobs and hush a bit.

I just heard and listened to what I thought was a bird outback sounding very much like a Lazar weapon of some sort...

...or was there battle going on between to visiting aliens? I didn't know. So, at first, I remained in here at my desk and thought I felt safe and okay, which lead to me having to check out there because the sounds of Lazar beams were getting more and more hectic. Louder too..

...so I left my den, enquiring into the sounds, affects, and going-on's in the sanctuary, only to find my bird cousin's carrying on and cussing because I failed to place seed in the feeder. Well then, the Lazar's were no where to be heard. I would've bet a damned dollar I tell you, but no, no Lazar's or "birds" making the sound of Lazar's. No Alien battles in my back yard. Oh my.

God, Save The Queen.

Fall comes now, I see some species of bird disoriented and frustrated in their preparation's for their yearly holidays away. There are some who live here in the preserve and sanctuary  all year long. They are Cardinal, Blue Jay, Dove's of variety, Mocking Bird, Sparrow, and Black Bird of a variety too. Not all eat seed, but all come for fresh water to drink and bathe.

At this moment I am nauseous, dizzy, sweating, and listening to sounds of another note from this Meniere's library of Sounds. Can one understand when I silently scream, damn it to hell! All of these sounds and noises! Damned to hell the sounds I even listen too. Yes, seriously.

The Sounds of Meniere's Disease, have driven me to a safe level of Madness. I know this, you see? This is me, remember? It's me sitting here in my skin, and my red bandanna. Just me sitting here on my rocking chair, rocking back and forth on the cool porch of my cabin in my mind.

A Communique: Meniere's, Neurologically Speaking And I, A Medicinal Update

Dearest Kindred,

I'm back and send out this communique, being sent out today, 05 November 2013, at 1247. The symptoms of Meniere's Disease continue to beat me into embarrassing, awkward, and the most peculiar of circumstances. The symptoms of the Neurological issues persist with such vengeance and painful agony, I don't know how I've managed to keep myself from punishment. I am pleased at how I've managed myself, as if I have a true and sustainable business to take care of, or not. Inside of this mixed blooded skin, and skeletal structure. The asthma that rules my lungs, springs surprise attacks on me and I find I can't take in a deep breathe or that the tightness in my chest has grown so totally possessing of me, my breath, and life as I know it, that there's not a farting thing I can do about it. With these three bullshit diseases I have here, while not mentioning other diseases, My God knows, these put the push that places me into battle after battle, daily. Daily, I said! Let me share there is one and yet another extraordinarily unpleasant medication ordered to my personal menu of pills, tablets, capsules, and inhalations of what is flowing threw my veins, organs and brains. A medicinal update is true, I'm just not comfortable sharing what it is aloud yet. With this medication, I do take it many times daily. For weeks now. This medication is the mind bending medication that has required much adjusting to. Adding to the hours of sleep. This new way of life. God please, don't stop the medicine. You see, this is a special medication. One that requires exceptional steps to be made. And it takes time to become one with me, so with this recent appointment with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, early last week, it is now that each and every doctor, professor, medical practice, and Self-Reliance, Inc. Advocate, "All The We", in my team, are all current and up to date with my daily medication intake. This was a necessity. This was for me to ensure took place because I have been eating so many medications for so many years now, and there were medicines being ordered by professor that was being declined. Them expensive white man medicine type of medication. I have been very curious about the denials of two medicine ordered by my professor. One. while on the new medicinal regimen, which had begun! Yes, true. So I stopped taking the rest. I mean? I have had two Meniere's attacks since I was on blog last. The noises in both ears have been complete unforgiving hell, an unrelenting torture of sounds and noises that come from within my skull. Where the metal plate in my skull lives and the abutment that extends from the implant on my thick ass skull. I have had active vomiting with my nausea. I have sweated pounds and inches off of my frame by the Meniere's Sweating Work Out! What the hell? I have reintroduced light lifting to firm up a bit and am planning on following a new planking regimen. My arms look nice, my waist is sweet and I want it sweeter. I watch what I eat - for the most part indeed. An occasional ethnic break in diet shatters any calorie count and triples my curls while sitting on the sofa. Which is a good thing, en'it? Because, I know this, the sleep had my scrotum to my 501's! I have continued to sleep with such an ill sleeping pattern that this just may be my ticket one day. What? I just thought of a lieutenant I knew in the Army. Sir.? Richard? Today was a beautiful day to die! Why fear? When Great One is ready, My God, knows right where I am. And, by the way, I know where my relationship with God, lives. There are simply too many hypocrites in my Circles, they seem to come and go. Now's another time to take care of myself and better manage my business, by managing what business represents in me. Me. Them who speak with evil tongue when speaking of God, brings on to themselves ill and unfortunate circumstances onto themselves. It's like putting illness upon your Kin Folk. Bad medicine works really much like Karma. I have had two falls since visiting doctor last week. The ear spasms continue at ?-numbers-per-day. Today, my face has spasmed twice. There was one episode last week while in my wife's car on our way cross town that I was moments from any hospitals emergency department. Today, there were two episodes. Both involving my neck and cervical spine that produced such pain I saw bright lights twinkle about my face and skull. My hearing hasn't been worth a damn for too many days to remember. There has been the sound of an old fashioned telephone ringing through. For now I have nothing else to say. I send out this communique to all Kindred. To all Kindred, much love and peace and more peace please. I'm back. Seen? Seem.