Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part Three

My dearest Kindred,

With this posting, I bring Chapter Three and a prayerful close to what has been some very deeply embarrassing times for me in life. As I mentioned to my therapist recently, I have begun to look at life around me in a wider than wide screen reality of what my life has been since March 2013. Today, 8 October, there remains ill side affects that I will focus on or not until I am clear about these damned deep and embarrassing times I've been in.

So now, today, I stop this naked spiral, cease travels down paths that were quite often uncomfortable and at times intimidating. There were true and legitimate forces that steered me from my Path and the attentions that are required for life during this present and near future. I am to resume the Path Great Spirit has intended for me to travel. What has been going on over these past few months has required a perseverance, best summed up by my deepest desires and yearning to maintain focus on my path, even when at my lowest points with respect to my mental, emotional and physical issues, I walked. My health has been issues revolving around issues, and all has brought many complications in my day to day life. This blog was created based on the concept and determination to inform other's of what Meniere's Disease has done to me, what these symptoms are doing and have done to my life. My spouses life, my daughters and all Kin Folk and Kindred's lives. Them who have become team mates, working and tasking along side me verses the multiple diseases that trouble this body of mine, including yet another whole team for me with the Neurological issues and implications.

All of my Team's of Dozens of good, kind and right Folks. Each one of them have gone to bat for me, time and time again, I am blessed. I know this. I'd be a damned fool if I didn't know the difference, and speaking of which I have taken steps and measures to remove myself from them with not-same-business-plan as I. Their agenda is not a part of what I have been doing for so many years, and quite simply, that's to keep focus, work my program, and do what doctors say do. My life and my health are in God's hands first, as he guides the doctors and I through what we're facing over the next couple of months or so.

Folks, let me share I am able to remember precisely to the date and time when forward motion of my hearts plans and dreams were dashed. I remember the weather outside of offices that day, I remember where Mr. Bus Driver left me off at the incorrect entrance. That day when I was disrupted and became a man interrupted. Not only was it that my health's present and future's status is unsatisfactory, I have the harsh perception that I had been betrayed. I feel betrayed by an entrusted fellow human spirit. One I felt a special bond and Kindred with. Through the first quarter of our year 2013, I worked with diligence when communicating and talking openly. My life was, as it was early in life. The horror forced upon me  in my early days  in life were so unkind to me and the child I was. With the process I was working with others I opened up an entire fucking life time with folks. The nightmares, panic attacks and high anxiety. Disgusting smell memories returned compounding due in part to what I was or was not attending to during open and raw discussions. Body memories that go against the grain for where I am striving to be. This is the path for the life I am to live day to day. A life where I am ruled by health issues. Doctors appointments, implants, surgeries and operations. Botox injections, medications, hearing aids, vomiting, falling.

Betrayal is betrayal. No matter how one words it. Seen.

Since March 2013, I have permitted myself to walk in the shoes of a victim. I have walked these past months in deep shame and embarrassment's. I am and I am a solitary simple man, who time and time after time permits some one, or somebody, or some folks, to gain my entire trust. With the way things were said or spoken, I honestly feel my trust was betrayed. Another experience of violation, and in my mind, I provided this betrayal of trust to thrust me into a deep dark ravine. My life's motivation's were dealt a harsh blow and major set backs were precipitated back that day. I was placed in a position to mourn and mourning I did and have. On that day, thing's were said and thought of, that changed my mind and my heart's direction. What I experienced that afternoon was an unreal experience and I am still emotionally affected by the realizations of my gross position with Meniere's Disease, the vertigo attacks and all that comes with this twenty four hours-a-day life affecting health issue. The neurological scenario is more than I wish to speak of at the moment.

I could be the last Unicorn, poop gold bricks and Folks still would not hire me. I am a financial drain on any company as a new hire. The reading is on every wall I come across and I have been able to shake a bit of it off here and there, but please, these pictures on slide show in my mind is what I can't explain. I don't read my material's or utterances written in my journals. I don't make habit of going back to read a previous communique here on the blog. The truth, is the truth. I have never thought of debating what was written - neither is there anything I would say or do differently. I felt safe and sure that afternoon, so comfortable, and in trust with right, good folks sitting with me. Folks, doing their job's. My words, as the disease's in my body betrays me. Daily. Even with the kind, loving and helpful words of my Advocate, my therapist, and my dear Counselor, I am down hearted by the reality that my eyes were opened, and I saw my life pass before me.

The disgusting processes of Meniere's Disease often place me in positions to speak and talk with professional after professionals, and doctor upon doctor. The entirety and extraordinary position I find myself in - is all so damned stressful and frustrating, that I do not know how many times I have read and prayed just to settle down a minute. I have talked about my lives, my life beginning as early as I can remember. As I speak here, I speak with an open heart. Please, my Team, understand what it is I am doing. I am finally grabbing that tiger by the tail and placing 'all hands on deck' with respects to where I am in life and health. With more ill health in hand and in store there is a need for that much more attention on self and body. Please, understand. It has been with local government, businesses, and organizations, that have provided me with great hopes and huge anticipations of some day having a brighter future. Sooner than later, I pray. My Good God! It is with these Folks, I have felt very comfortable with, and they felt comfortable with me. These individuals were folks, I believe were establishing relationships with me while doing their jobs. There were a few wonderful gatherings, chats face to face, and conversations over the telephone.

To all of my therapists and counselor's, I say thank you, to all of my psychologists and psychiatrists, I thank you all for your hard work and dedication. It is with your hard work and our Kindred Spirit's in mind, that it is now I must close this chapter in my life and move along.

Please, no ill feelings towards me. Having said all I have shared in these three chapters lets me say whole hearted thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you all too.

I have stopped mourning and am absolutely okay with saying that words spoken from my own mouth dictates where I take this self betrayal. I've got to keep on keeping on, so I toughen my skin a bit, pick up my marbles and take the way my path takes me. Someplace better than here. Seen.