Dearest Kin Folk and Kindred,
I really do wish to share this unfortunate crossing of paths that took place today. It has saddened me, but these has been a couple of lessons from the business of raising voices. It would do me no good to deny that I have been and have lived under several stressful scenarios, so much of the dreadful pain and so much so that no, I am not going to even make a list of them. I wish to share and connect about today. Just this afternoon, this a rather mean woman raised her voice at me, stating that I was rude, well, that's a matter of opinion - as she bellowed, 'you are rude', and I don't remember if there was a Sir., in there or not, but I reckon if for any matter or for anything at all, she was the rude one. This stranger to me, with a raised voice made it clear her opinion, not even knowing me. She did not know my voice may have been raised in conversations with my Home Advocate because I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing. She might have or could she had considered that in such loud environments the Meniere's Disease inside begins to stir, no. I was having a very tough time dealing with what was going on under my skin. Might she had imagined that I was having great and extreme anxiety nearing panic because my hearing suddenly dropped roughly 50% while sitting right there in this very loud doctors office. Would she had approached me differently? This same clinic quickly approaching standing room only. This large lady yelled at me in a public, huge comma, yet 'private' place. Like I was her husband or child kind of yell. I was in 'my' doctors office' waiting just like she. Many people's were witness, as I was humiliated. There was a fellow in front of me on his telephone who looked at me then looked at Ms. Lady, then back at me and asked me was she talking to him. At first, I hoped the Woman had lost her mind, because Honey, she worked my last damned nerve. Oh yes, she really did too. I tried to play nice in the sand box, and oh yes, yes, yes, I know that she did not know I was deaf or hard of hearing. She couldn't have seen my hearing aid, nor would she had seen my BAHA, Bone Anchored Hearing Aid, implant site. But Ma'am, Miss. Lady assumed me too damned much a simple man. Or the sort of man who accepts this drama routine as normal. Seeing was believing and for shits sake, seeing only me there, as I may have been outside of my skin at that time. Was so fucking rude.
By God, Miss., Lady didn't even know me. I am usually a kind and respectful sort - when home or while out and about, I am a kind and respectful type when I am treated as such. And I believe this to be a one of my God Blessed Human Rights. If not a Human Right, this is in the Bible saying, Do On To Other's ...
... I tried to handle myself calm and collected, but the person with me, the one there to provide me bonus protection points from folks like She Lady, to be my advocate and truly be my protector from people talking down on Folks like me. The God Damned Gimps.Them who speak in a quite close to an abusive manner, because of the lady attitude was directed at me, because her voice was raised at me. I mean, it really was just like that.
Just like that.
And My Advocate agreed with this intrusive, louder-than-me, ignoramus of a lady who was irritated because the patients were not being seen quickly enough. Well, I am a patient too. Waiting there in the same space as she, and she knows that I know she knew this to be a routine situation with my clinic, every appointment in this very busy and popular Medical Group extends our visit that much longer. She breathing my air and hacking and coughing from the cigarettes that burn her fingers and her lips was gross and was not even attempting to absorb at least some of her Lady Germs. I mean to say. My Home Advocate decided to abandon me right quick like there. Yes, right there in public/private spot. Oh Fuck Yeah, I am a fucking big boy. So I handled it the best I could at that particular time. Quite honestly, if Ms. Lady, had crossed paths with me a few years ago she would have received an even better introduction to insulting a person in public/private, who she did not know. Sure. I know. This will pass on and along.
For me I speculate, it's all about the principle of the matter. I am Deaf and this afternoon at and around 1400 shit hit the fan in many a direction. She had no idea. Come tomorrow, communications with my Home advocate will take place. I have decided that I will not be calling her supervisor and neither will I file a complaint. I reckon she also learned a chunk of free education today. Like, big boys and big girls nag, fight and trouble one and another. Even still. I knew this in my gut, an old familiar sensation that rules and runs threw my entire being. My Spirit's and my Soul felt quite violated there in my clinic.
There was a third woman there, she who found humor with this live skit and had an awesome good laugh. A very true laugh out loud kind of laugh. Lord? I thought to self, really? I share this with you my dear guests, because all of this fucking big boy stuff just about had crumbled in public today. Honest it was like this. Just like this.
Yes, yes, yes, for Shits Sake, I'll keep the smiles on my face, much more than not. I eat my medicine and I try not to take shit too personal. But I mean, damn it, en'it? I do it. Do it.
Seen?
There's a bit of irony involved here with the above subject matter and afternoon. This date being 30 December 2013, Miss. Larger Than Life, went to front desk and asked to be permitted entry due to a rude patient ...
... very shortly there after, I too went to the clinics front desk and informed the young lady that the lady screamed at me in private/public and was rude to me. I informed the young lady then that I am Deaf and Hard of Hearing and quite upset. Fortunately, I was next scheduled patient to be seen by doctor. The Woman-Of-The-Day, was waiting in triage as I passed to go to my examination room, and then, she, Ms. Lady, came out of triage, as if to continue child's play. It was then I asked her if she knew I was deaf and hard of hearing. If I had not seen with mine, I would have sworn that her eye orbs proceeded to go back further into her face. I can't explain it, what happened in my heart at that moment, but I knew then that Mrs. Lady with the smoking habit regretted what happened. I felt it in me. All of this drama took place because of an opinion thing that I mentioned earlier. Perhaps a too quick to judgment call, by both the Mrs. Lady and My Home Advocate.
It was in privacy with my doctor that I was able to let loose what I felt in my heart and spirits. I really try not to take things personal, I really do, but damn, out loud in my doctors office. I sat there where I was melting from the Meniere's Disease sweat, The sudden loss of hearing, the pains in my body - there between the muscle and skeleton lives my chronic pain. In my scalp, the place between my skull and outer skin there is pain. Earlier this evening, I had several deep stabbing streaks on my left side, very near my implant. Lord, these were so bad they brought tears of a different sort from my eyes. I am certain I had a couple attacks since this afternoon, since right there about 1400. Come the morrow, things will be clearer between My Home Advocate, my deafness, and what took place today. My mind and being will be clearer. This is not what Advocates do for them they love and advocate for. I am deaf in one ear Kindred and hard of hearing in my right ear. My hearing sucks beyond my description and I do in fact attempt to speak with a normal tone of voice. It's just I would like to know what is freaking normal? Give me a damned break. How the shit that sounds? Look, my entire body from above my waist, my entire upper torso, hurts and pains me bad enough that I will medicate myself in a short while. Oh this pain hurts me so bad.
A great fortune of mine are the various members of my better health and emotional health teams who Advocate for me as their Patient and Fellow Human. I receive this form of total respect from complete strangers, and it is the shame I should be publicly humiliated in such an environment. My Blood Pressure shot up, my sugar too, I was offered a procedure, but I really needed to remove myself. I didn't want to see Miss. Her again. I was pleased with the way the medical staff handled the entire situation. Very kind and empathetic with what happened in the lobby. I want to believe that Ms. Lady received the same respect and empathetic care. Pardon.
I have recently figured there are perhaps hundreds of people who have direct and/or indirect influence on my medical matters. The matters of my life. I am humbled and am awed. Seen.
Thank you Miss. Lady, for crossing my path today.
... me ...
No comments:
Post a Comment