These Past Two Months

My Dear Guest,

I did not know how to do be the responsible, up right, nice, good fellow until just twenty or so some-odd years ago. All of the changes of responsibility vs. irresponsibility began when and while my recoveries began. I have had many, and I continue walking a Path to recovery. I admit at this moment that were time's when I made some truly irresponsible decision's in my life's journey. Some of those very decision's altered my life course. Some in harsh and punishing fashion.

For my indiscretions, I have made amends when and able. Except when to do so could create a harmful place to be. I am ashamed and contrite for the things I have done in my life, onto others by words and or by my actions, and am as ashamed for the right things not stated to make a wrong against me right. The hurts of all hurts are those that originate from that ever hurting heart of mine. Prior to recovery, I did not have the slightest clue what a boundary was, I was not knowing of this concept, or what a safe and proper distance from one and another was or meant to be. What did this look like?

Honestly.

Without the boundaries I have talked about, I have, have had, and permitted much abuse into my life. In my recent life. For fucks sake! I'm a Dude, Dude. Without rational thoughts, responsible decisions and means, my earlier life was a life lived in strife and full of abuses. A victim since childhood, I was forced to see things that no child should ever see or hear, I was forced to have taste and swallow, as a wee child, the such of stuff children not be a part of.

I share this personal data today because it has been a fabric used in the patch work of the quilt called my life. With all of my day's here on Earth Mother, I am compelled to share I have been abused in way's too sickening to place into words here, by family, friends, and strangers. For forty fucking years, eh? Yes, I scream! Can you feel me? I have spoken of this before, about this being a part of those other odds-and-ends, I speak of in my introduction to Guests.

I have a commitment to myself and to every each and one of my reader's, My Guests, to share openly, tip-tap truth in depth and deeply intimate personal aspects of who I am and where I have been all of these years. It is sad to say that presently, in a sick and distorted way, a twisted sense of irony, brings me to the conclusion that I have, in silence permitted years of abuse to continue in my present day. I have been silent about an active abuse that I have had to live with for the past twenty or so years. These past two months feel me become assertive and protective of self. I recently dialed the 211. I question myself, is this a disgusting hook stuck up my ass from living my life as a victim? Even after recovery? Well, I was dealt these cards a mighty long ago. Today, I am an Elder, and am certified mystical. From now on, I will operate differently. Every thing that has happened, ever thing that has been said is because it was written onto the Book Of Life. The big book. As a person, as a man, and as with my Spirit's, I have had to deal with your abuse, Sir, Instead of living my life as the Survivor, I fell and I permitted and so easily fit right back into the roll of a victim. Again, and again. And again.

My silence is deafening, and my screams silent.

Bella's, my Soul has bean tormented by this late life sexual abuse, the all-of-this, his bull shit, has been killing me from the inside out. I have taken inventory of all of the time I wasted, also the too many good years and too many millions and of millions of my brain cells thinking about what you have done. What you have said to me. What you have said you want to do to me. and have me to you. Sir., for shits sake, I don't have time for this and I can not accept this conduct unbecoming of a veteran, anymore. Can't you see? Can you see, the devices I have concocted for the many different ways I have to punish myself over these years of you. Yeah, it's odd like that, but true, en`it? The constant thinking of ways to harm my body comes easy, it's old school shit for me. I am used to abusing myself, by myself before and have been used to being used and abused by others. It has been such a vulgar reality, that it seemed It was necessary to punish myself, as I taught my self, for all childhood long and up to and including the past twenty years. Of Abuse.

For you and your God's damned disrespect for me, my family, and my Spirit's, and for the very toxicity's here now, I say you drive and processes a sick and perverted driven agenda. The revisit to a boundary, the boundaries that have been created, and then recreated, shows me your true colours so well, just a bit too clear, eh?.

No mas. No Mas. No Mas!

As a Veteran of this War against the abuses of a trusted one against me, proclaiming this to be my World's War II. I say now, for me, this is a different good place in time. A place some what unfamiliar, yet a place where I am okay being in these shoes. Actually, I am right at that point in my story, where I say that I am putting into practice the very letting go, and letting My God. An Angel told me that..

I have knocked on Heavens door and the Saint's, informed that "nope, this is not your time" and, "back-you-go". I speculate that Great Spirit, has other plans for this Ole Warrior named Big Bear. My heart, mind's and Spirit's are heading towards a different path here. And I'm glad to have you all here with me. My goodness gracious, I am thankful..

I am sorry to say that in my life's travels I have held many lives in these hand's and I have witnessed their Spirit's and Soul set off to another place. I have seen so many to be unable to remember them all or their names, or relation to me. And, at this instant I say to you Sir., that if placed in the position to preform CPR or administer First Aid, I could might would more than likely pass you on by. Seen.

The inevitable just happened.

And Oh, My God! The change has been made and the effects have been set in motion. Hip! Hip!

Silence = Death. Silence is broken.