God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...
...courage to change the things I can...
...and the wisdom to know the difference.
My Dearest Kindred,
I am unable to quantify or even begin to imagine how many times I have prayed this prayer. My plea, to My God. I mean, Kindred, there are thing's about me that my own Kinfolk can't see. There are experience's, incidents, terror's, and horror's that I have seen, felt and tasted while being abused as a boy, teen and Man. Shit perpetrated by Folks my Kinfolks knew. Or know. You see, as much as One attempts to figure me 'out' or attempt to 'out' an individual who has for the most part, finally figured out that it is 'I' who am the biggest part of me. It is 'I' who must relearn to really and honestly let go and let God. Because as much and as hard as I try, there is too much going on in my life to control. Honest to my gut, there really is just too damned much shit going on with me, my health, and life.
So, I pray. And, I talk to my Great One, via my 'heart-to-heart' connection, with God. My God, knows that I was born in the Fall, and God, knows I love leather, and God, knows I love lace. My Great Spirit, is aware that I continue to mourn. So, I pray my Hail Mary's, and the Our Father's and other right good Catholic prayers. I was baptized Catholic as an infant and was a good damned Catholic boy, who hated Jews, as taught and read the Bible and studied, and had this utter and complete fear of My God and my concept of Hell. I was forced fed so much at such a very young age. Confessions to the Padre's who would know who I was by my voice. By the Sins I committed as a boy and confessed the Sins of being a Boy having Sex with Men and knew I was the Sinner in many of the scenes of sexual abuse. It was my fault for so many years and I had the notion that I wasn't worth shit. I sinned and was to be damned to hell. I very seriously thought through out my childhood that I was very truly doomed to hell. I would cry myself to sleep. Then, as a child and now, as an adult, for the past twenty years in recovery, I have cried myself to sleep.
Such fucking dogma.
I am indebted to the 12 Step Anonymous programs for my introduction to a different way of life. I am thankful and sincerely indebted to each and every counselor, therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist through out the years. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I will, as I have for over twenty years, pray,
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
Courage to change the things I can...
...and the wisdom to know the difference.
Great One, this is me! Please come in to my heart.
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