Yesterday afternoon, I experienced a force of sudden terrifying sensation's and horrifying thoughts. Thoughts of being taken away from my family. From our home, from my wife, essentially from my life. Afraid of being institutionalized, as I was so often threatened as a child. This shocked me from my world. My emotion's and my physical being, has been stirred and shook up from so much overwhelming random horrific memories from my boyhood, youth, adolescence and early adulthood. Presently speaking, even. There are memories that have been stirred from the inner most depths of my Soul, all of which I believe and conclude are related to the ill advances of one whom I am not prepared to discuss, any more than I have in the past. This individual has made my life a living fucking hell, and I feel alienated and scared enough to withdraw, or retreat, if you wish. To go to a place somewhere with-in my chest, right where it is now. Where I can feel the heavier thump-thump of my heart and an emptiness or void. This predator and perpetrator type conduct, mannerism's, action's and verbiage scares me. I'm a grown ass fucking man and I speak of being scared.
What is that?!
The thoughts and fear of them in my circle who have turned a blind eye is killing me, from the inside out for shits sake. I see and hear truth's of human conduct daily. This smile on my face is a medicine that I use to help myself as well as other's, in believing every thing's going to be alright, while I am afraid it really isn't. It is my sincere belief that I have been harmed by this person and that I have been betrayed beyond one's wildest imagination. My humanness and my heart has been broken. Again. I am with deep resignation acknowledging that these terrifying and horrifying sensations, be it them all, are to be stemming from the so many years of keeping at bay this type of perpetual harassment's. I will save the detail, saying with great knowledge this is all based on fact and from the life time's and life experience's of being sexually abused, emotionally and psychologically abused and abandoned by my own family. By the neighbours living next door, them across the street, and or by those on my block, and too many folks called friend's. I have also considered and have concluded that the very societies in which I was a part of turned their collective backs on me, my sibling's, and I. And, yes, I know. For fucks sake, please. By the way, I use the term sensation's, because this event was more than a thought and am aware even greater than a flashback. This harsh negativity invaded every bit of inner energy, my life forces, my heart, and Spirit's. This, for what is the first time in decades, a terrifying and horrifying place to be. I know this. You see?
I reluctantly share the complete bare nakedness of where I am presently, and no, this is not voyeuristic in nature. I am dissected, yet am able to say I am handling this event with as much rational conduct, strength, trust, ability and or capability, that I can muster. I'll share that shortly after session yesterday, I felt it necessary to reach out to Sir Dude my therapist, due to this event. I felt it again today and called him again today, as this has been that powerful a shake in my life. I know and am aware I can not do this alone. So, I have made plans and began communicating with my wife, Beatrice, last night. This afternoon, I was also provided the opportunity to reach out to my counselor over at the Vocational Rehabilitation Department, Miss. L, and have a solid communications. Thank you both.
All of the "this and that's" in my life and on My Path, weigh heavy on my shoulders and mind.
I am and feel totally powerless over these fucked up disease's, one and them all. I say this, be it physical, as in the Meniere's Disease and symptom's, to the Neurological and Spinal disease's and the symptoms, and just the whole and absolute gawd damned everything that is ailing me in health, and then, the deep emotional and psychological health issues that I try so very hard to maintain and do so with a right good proper attitude, disposition, and 'out' look in life. Con mucho gusto!
I try. God knows, I do.
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