Sixty Days

Relations,

The months of April and May, 2013, have been two months that have really altered my world. Two months of total mental and emotional anguish, where and when I have had extreme highs of joy and the lowest of dreariness's. Times when I have considered branding myself, I have contemplated piercings, self inflicted. There have been times when I thought I was on the verge of a true utter madness. When the high anxiety and panic attacks returned, I knew times were about to change. A storm approaches, and I see, it is me who is going to initiate change. So, I will. Can do.

These sixty days have seen me sleep through most of my life. In my eye orbs, too much sleep is a psychosis. And today, 31 May, 2013. I proclaim this as fact. Because, you see, I know this first hand, and my brain's do too.  I see with these eye orb's it is necessary to bust a move. Like presently, while influenced by the disease's dwelling within me, them physical and these that are a part of this fifty three years old human mind and form. Perhaps even more importantly, is that I adjust to this altered state of my life, like now, while I don't want to. And oh yes, it's shitty simple like that too. I will take the step's to deal with life's going on's and do so while in an ever present state of pain, the pain that lives in my scalp, where the spiders and worms wiggle about. This pain in my neck, left shoulder, and arm. Is it my curse to live with the vertigo attacks of Meniere's Disease and all of the symptoms that come with and always accompany the attacks? Them prior to attacks and those after create a sadness that is sometimes too difficult to express. I share this with an open heart and share that If not for the tight circle of Kinfolk and Kindred, I was on my way to an entirely different place and set of circumstances.

I know this.

I also wish to share appreciation and respect to my counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation, my therapist, Sir. Dude, My Advocate at the Self Reliance Center For Independent Living, and one I have not met face to face yet, but will call her She-Who-Lives-With-Diversity.

I recognize more than ever before, that there have been and remain time's and 'things' in my life that I have had to battle hand-to-hand within and out of this skin, my health, my humanness. My Spirit's and 'all' of the above are constantly influx. Sometimes as a team, sometime as adversaries. Then inevitable shit happens. I have had many wars in my life, even few times when I had to actually throw down and ball up my fists, figuratively speaking and speaking in a damned reality. The latest fist balling was the debacle over at the government's office when I and another Mixed Blood, was just about to a-scratching-and-a-clawing. I was placed in the position to prepare for a physical altercation, both he and I were hell bent on getting one hand or another on each other. Then, God sent in that wonderful Angel. I was a moment or too from hand to hand combat, right there in the government's office. Twenty feet from Veteran's Affairs and I know God was there for me. I stood up for myself that day and my God was there with me. Blessed. I accept this was irresponsible and silly of me and if not for that Angel, would have had many knocks and bruises. A Black Eye Orb? The point is there came a time when I had to do what I had to do. On a different level of life, like never before, I have learned a responsibility for my words. I speak, I write and or talk what I mean to say. Responsibility has taught me that the irrational and irresponsible conduct of another need not be perpetrated on me. Or perpetuated. By the way, the same God, who sent that Angel to my side that day, has presented to me another. My Wife.

Speak the truth. Silence Kills, Silence = Death.