The heaviness's of this Meniere's weight, lays heavy on my chest. I share, my asthma has steadily become an issue. I fell it in my lungs and I sense something peculiar within my lower left lung and my heart, where I have had odd pains and sensations. I know that a lot of what I am feeling is Meniere's related, the entire body pains - from my neck down to my knees and feet. The nausea and vomitting, the tipsey of dizziness. Them damned worms and spiders in my scalp. I've wanted to cut those bastards out, that and the constant pain that lives here. There are times when I feel the asthma has been stirred. My body is warm where I sit here. I feel the warmth of my blood as it passes from my heart, through to my right wrist, where it is I am able to count my own pulse. This blood that keeps me alive - my innards, my cracked skull. This thick skull'ed one, has a place where I retreat deep, within and out of my body sleep. The Meniere's keeps me in bed well into the afternoon, even well into the night if, morning and afternoon come about again. I have now slept the better part of the time come pass me by, since the last communique, sleep has had a hold on me. I will not toss out number's of hours slept, I will share I have slept roughly eighty percent of my life since the report of Meniere's Vertigo Attack. It was because of this vertigo attack, I am knowing, that this dreadfully long gloomy sleep has moved back into my life, like a fog, just as it has done time and time again, and has remained here with me wrapped around my Spirit's. The post attack symptoms have come , came, with more that are yet to come.
But, please then, know when things get tough, all of me kicks in, from the boy hood instinct's all the way to what I was trained in the military, to the lessons learned from them who are no longer here. Come what may, once I'm in, I am in. The remainder all comes down to basics. There is much to be thankful for. Being alive is a huge one for me. I survived. Now, I sit here decades later, and once again, I am fighting off incest and sexual abuse, I continue to put on a warrior face and do the right good best thing for me to do. Soon the talk comes. What's a brother to think?
The pain's on the left side of my skull are at a strong seven. The cluster pains strike like lightening, then moves on, the same with the spiders and worms, both of which were very active this afternoon. The part of my upper left scalp continues to pain me, the face spasm's continue with a minimum of two to three left sided facial spasm's per day. Each occurrence of this is a "10". And there is absolutely, not-a-thing I can do for these life altering pains. Wait them it out, en`it? I have screamed, or in many cases loudly moan, like a hungry Coyote, howling at the Moon. I have cried, I have cursed and I have prayed.
Wait! I said the word! "Cursed". It is with some of my beliefs that what has happened in many arenas of my health and life, has been because I have not released something or some thing's yet.
I have taken many stands to break the cycles of abuses in my life. There has been years and even decades of time spent in therapy, I can not place a monetary mark on it because this is well out of my imagination. I have survived too many abuses as a child, teen, and adult. I have spoken on television, I have written published article's, I have Marched, and have stood up for Equal Rights's and Civil Rights's. I assert myself when I have the commitment from within my Life Source. This requires that whatever I do on My Path today, I am to be prepared, alert and opened for whatever God, has in store for me on any moment. This, as it is written in the Big Book. One of the most important and necessary things I did was to make it my responsibility to 'never' have a son, especially, a son named Mario. A Luke, Miles, or Mortimer. Thor, or Abdul, but never, fucking ever was there going to be one by me. So, I had a vasectomy very shortly after our second daughter was born. No, I have never regretted it. My immediate reasoning was I did not want to ask my wife to have her tube's tied. Why not me? So, I had it done, I even observed the procedure. Until I saw too much. You see, I broke the cycle of men named Sierra. I wanted to ensure my wife and 'I' of never birthing a child named Mario.
Is this the release button?
My right ear is popping and plopping. Sometimes too loudly. This afternoon, I have the roaring of a near by water fall that is some where I have never seen in these parts, but it is so loud. In this same one ear hole to the brain, I listened to a hoover craft float about my roof. This sound is not a hum, more like a loud and deep Om. My Dear, it's a bitch having one ear hole that works as it wishes. I mean, it sucks and it sucks, to have the hearing in the one good bad ear hole get more impaired. My left ear has been troubled by a very steady beeping system, random beep's or a random one beep, like this, "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"'. This beeping has beeped every damned moment of my awake time thus far on this 28th of May, 2013. I am in retreat.
I have heard and listened to the roar of Angel's...
...and have no more to say. Good Night, Sir.
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