These Past Two Months

My Dear Guest,

I did not know how to do be the responsible, up right, nice, good fellow until just twenty or so some-odd years ago. All of the changes of responsibility vs. irresponsibility began when and while my recoveries began. I have had many, and I continue walking a Path to recovery. I admit at this moment that were time's when I made some truly irresponsible decision's in my life's journey. Some of those very decision's altered my life course. Some in harsh and punishing fashion.

For my indiscretions, I have made amends when and able. Except when to do so could create a harmful place to be. I am ashamed and contrite for the things I have done in my life, onto others by words and or by my actions, and am as ashamed for the right things not stated to make a wrong against me right. The hurts of all hurts are those that originate from that ever hurting heart of mine. Prior to recovery, I did not have the slightest clue what a boundary was, I was not knowing of this concept, or what a safe and proper distance from one and another was or meant to be. What did this look like?

Honestly.

Without the boundaries I have talked about, I have, have had, and permitted much abuse into my life. In my recent life. For fucks sake! I'm a Dude, Dude. Without rational thoughts, responsible decisions and means, my earlier life was a life lived in strife and full of abuses. A victim since childhood, I was forced to see things that no child should ever see or hear, I was forced to have taste and swallow, as a wee child, the such of stuff children not be a part of.

I share this personal data today because it has been a fabric used in the patch work of the quilt called my life. With all of my day's here on Earth Mother, I am compelled to share I have been abused in way's too sickening to place into words here, by family, friends, and strangers. For forty fucking years, eh? Yes, I scream! Can you feel me? I have spoken of this before, about this being a part of those other odds-and-ends, I speak of in my introduction to Guests.

I have a commitment to myself and to every each and one of my reader's, My Guests, to share openly, tip-tap truth in depth and deeply intimate personal aspects of who I am and where I have been all of these years. It is sad to say that presently, in a sick and distorted way, a twisted sense of irony, brings me to the conclusion that I have, in silence permitted years of abuse to continue in my present day. I have been silent about an active abuse that I have had to live with for the past twenty or so years. These past two months feel me become assertive and protective of self. I recently dialed the 211. I question myself, is this a disgusting hook stuck up my ass from living my life as a victim? Even after recovery? Well, I was dealt these cards a mighty long ago. Today, I am an Elder, and am certified mystical. From now on, I will operate differently. Every thing that has happened, ever thing that has been said is because it was written onto the Book Of Life. The big book. As a person, as a man, and as with my Spirit's, I have had to deal with your abuse, Sir, Instead of living my life as the Survivor, I fell and I permitted and so easily fit right back into the roll of a victim. Again, and again. And again.

My silence is deafening, and my screams silent.

Bella's, my Soul has bean tormented by this late life sexual abuse, the all-of-this, his bull shit, has been killing me from the inside out. I have taken inventory of all of the time I wasted, also the too many good years and too many millions and of millions of my brain cells thinking about what you have done. What you have said to me. What you have said you want to do to me. and have me to you. Sir., for shits sake, I don't have time for this and I can not accept this conduct unbecoming of a veteran, anymore. Can't you see? Can you see, the devices I have concocted for the many different ways I have to punish myself over these years of you. Yeah, it's odd like that, but true, en`it? The constant thinking of ways to harm my body comes easy, it's old school shit for me. I am used to abusing myself, by myself before and have been used to being used and abused by others. It has been such a vulgar reality, that it seemed It was necessary to punish myself, as I taught my self, for all childhood long and up to and including the past twenty years. Of Abuse.

For you and your God's damned disrespect for me, my family, and my Spirit's, and for the very toxicity's here now, I say you drive and processes a sick and perverted driven agenda. The revisit to a boundary, the boundaries that have been created, and then recreated, shows me your true colours so well, just a bit too clear, eh?.

No mas. No Mas. No Mas!

As a Veteran of this War against the abuses of a trusted one against me, proclaiming this to be my World's War II. I say now, for me, this is a different good place in time. A place some what unfamiliar, yet a place where I am okay being in these shoes. Actually, I am right at that point in my story, where I say that I am putting into practice the very letting go, and letting My God. An Angel told me that..

I have knocked on Heavens door and the Saint's, informed that "nope, this is not your time" and, "back-you-go". I speculate that Great Spirit, has other plans for this Ole Warrior named Big Bear. My heart, mind's and Spirit's are heading towards a different path here. And I'm glad to have you all here with me. My goodness gracious, I am thankful..

I am sorry to say that in my life's travels I have held many lives in these hand's and I have witnessed their Spirit's and Soul set off to another place. I have seen so many to be unable to remember them all or their names, or relation to me. And, at this instant I say to you Sir., that if placed in the position to preform CPR or administer First Aid, I could might would more than likely pass you on by. Seen.

The inevitable just happened.

And Oh, My God! The change has been made and the effects have been set in motion. Hip! Hip!

Silence = Death. Silence is broken.

Sixty Days

Relations,

The months of April and May, 2013, have been two months that have really altered my world. Two months of total mental and emotional anguish, where and when I have had extreme highs of joy and the lowest of dreariness's. Times when I have considered branding myself, I have contemplated piercings, self inflicted. There have been times when I thought I was on the verge of a true utter madness. When the high anxiety and panic attacks returned, I knew times were about to change. A storm approaches, and I see, it is me who is going to initiate change. So, I will. Can do.

These sixty days have seen me sleep through most of my life. In my eye orbs, too much sleep is a psychosis. And today, 31 May, 2013. I proclaim this as fact. Because, you see, I know this first hand, and my brain's do too.  I see with these eye orb's it is necessary to bust a move. Like presently, while influenced by the disease's dwelling within me, them physical and these that are a part of this fifty three years old human mind and form. Perhaps even more importantly, is that I adjust to this altered state of my life, like now, while I don't want to. And oh yes, it's shitty simple like that too. I will take the step's to deal with life's going on's and do so while in an ever present state of pain, the pain that lives in my scalp, where the spiders and worms wiggle about. This pain in my neck, left shoulder, and arm. Is it my curse to live with the vertigo attacks of Meniere's Disease and all of the symptoms that come with and always accompany the attacks? Them prior to attacks and those after create a sadness that is sometimes too difficult to express. I share this with an open heart and share that If not for the tight circle of Kinfolk and Kindred, I was on my way to an entirely different place and set of circumstances.

I know this.

I also wish to share appreciation and respect to my counselor at Vocational Rehabilitation, my therapist, Sir. Dude, My Advocate at the Self Reliance Center For Independent Living, and one I have not met face to face yet, but will call her She-Who-Lives-With-Diversity.

I recognize more than ever before, that there have been and remain time's and 'things' in my life that I have had to battle hand-to-hand within and out of this skin, my health, my humanness. My Spirit's and 'all' of the above are constantly influx. Sometimes as a team, sometime as adversaries. Then inevitable shit happens. I have had many wars in my life, even few times when I had to actually throw down and ball up my fists, figuratively speaking and speaking in a damned reality. The latest fist balling was the debacle over at the government's office when I and another Mixed Blood, was just about to a-scratching-and-a-clawing. I was placed in the position to prepare for a physical altercation, both he and I were hell bent on getting one hand or another on each other. Then, God sent in that wonderful Angel. I was a moment or too from hand to hand combat, right there in the government's office. Twenty feet from Veteran's Affairs and I know God was there for me. I stood up for myself that day and my God was there with me. Blessed. I accept this was irresponsible and silly of me and if not for that Angel, would have had many knocks and bruises. A Black Eye Orb? The point is there came a time when I had to do what I had to do. On a different level of life, like never before, I have learned a responsibility for my words. I speak, I write and or talk what I mean to say. Responsibility has taught me that the irrational and irresponsible conduct of another need not be perpetrated on me. Or perpetuated. By the way, the same God, who sent that Angel to my side that day, has presented to me another. My Wife.

Speak the truth. Silence Kills, Silence = Death.

Maybe Now

Maybe now, I might realize that I have to stop thinking-so-much for a spell. I reckon, I let some things go to far, that went too far, and have gone too far. I am steadfast in my self-inventory and decision that it is because I think too much, that I have thought too much, I am wearisome, and am the ruminator of the year. For shits sake. There have been and are so too many thoughts, ideas, and concepts popping up all over my two brains. In way's, it is good that I have slept so much, I am tired and exhausted by this Meniere's and the symptoms that tag along, and am as exhausted from the varied panic attacks that have snuck back into my life, rendering me an individual in need of assistance. These times of difficultly, with the Meniere's Disease, the neurological and cervical issue pain, and pulmonary issues, even my Spirit's are weary.

Maybe now, I withdraw from these occupants of my brain's a spell. It is urgent to recall that I do not always have to say the 'yes' word, that it is alright for me to say no. What? My life has been that of a hard working, pleasing person, very rarely ever saying 'no'. I was never taught how to say no as a child, pretty much not a word in my verbiage. Always the 'yes' man, heck yeah, we can do that! Yes Sir., Yes, Ma'am. Yes, Boss.

Maybe now, the yes, yes, yes, is no more. I remind myself that I am Human and of Spirit. The Warrior Way's within my core have strengthened the instinct to continue along my present path, with the ways of My Path. Dad, always did call us late bloomer's. Seen.

Maybe now, I share now that I dislike having to live in a state of constant pain. There is nothing more we can do, so I am left to live in painful manner's. I am unsure how it is I should approach this matter, as I have been informed by two physicians that I am at maximum capacity with the injections and medications. What The Fuck? I have been the patient to refuse and say "no" to  medicines that created havoc within my body and mind. Maybe now, I clarify, I don't want any more  fucking pills, tablets, capsules, compounds, and or injections! I don't. My doctor's all, know this about me. I just want all of this pain to go away, to just go away. No? No, yes.

Me And The Heavieness Of Meniere's

The heaviness's of this Meniere's weight, lays heavy on my chest. I share, my asthma has steadily become an issue. I fell it in my lungs and I sense something peculiar within my lower left lung and my heart, where I have had odd pains and sensations. I know that a lot of what I am feeling is Meniere's related, the entire body pains - from my neck down to my knees and feet. The nausea and vomitting, the tipsey of dizziness. Them damned worms and spiders in my scalp. I've wanted to cut those bastards out, that and the constant pain that lives here. There are times when I feel the asthma has been stirred. My body is warm where I sit here. I feel the warmth of my blood as it passes from my heart, through to my right wrist, where it is I am able to count my own pulse. This blood that keeps me alive - my innards, my cracked skull. This thick skull'ed one, has a place where I retreat deep, within and out of my body sleep. The Meniere's keeps me in bed well into the afternoon, even well into the night if, morning and afternoon come about again. I have now slept the better part of the time come pass me by, since the last communique, sleep has had a hold on me. I will not toss out number's of hours slept, I will share I have slept roughly eighty percent of my life since the report of Meniere's Vertigo Attack. It was because of this vertigo attack, I am knowing, that this dreadfully long gloomy sleep has moved back into my life, like a fog, just as it has done time and time again, and has remained here with me wrapped around my Spirit's. The post attack symptoms have come , came, with more that are yet to come.

But, please then, know when things get tough, all of me kicks in, from the boy hood instinct's all the way to what I was trained in the military, to the lessons learned from them who are no longer here. Come what may, once I'm in, I am in. The remainder all comes down to basics. There is much to be thankful for. Being alive is a huge one for me. I survived. Now, I sit here decades later, and once again, I am fighting off incest and sexual abuse, I continue to put on a warrior face and do the right good best thing for me to do. Soon the talk comes. What's a brother to think?

The pain's on the left side of my skull are at a strong seven. The cluster pains strike like lightening, then moves on, the same with the spiders and worms, both of which were very active this afternoon. The part of my upper left scalp continues to pain me, the face spasm's continue with a minimum of two to three left sided facial spasm's per day. Each occurrence of this is a "10". And there is absolutely, not-a-thing I can do for these life altering pains. Wait them it out, en`it? I have screamed, or in many cases loudly moan, like a hungry Coyote, howling at the Moon. I have cried, I have cursed and I have prayed.

Wait! I said the word! "Cursed". It is with some of my beliefs that what has happened in many arenas of my health and life, has been because I have not released something or some thing's yet.

I have taken many stands to break the cycles of abuses in my life. There has been years and even decades of time spent in therapy, I can not place a monetary mark on it because this is well out of my imagination. I have survived too many abuses as a child, teen, and adult. I have spoken on television, I have written published article's, I have Marched, and have stood up for Equal Rights's and Civil Rights's. I assert myself when I have the commitment from within my Life Source. This requires that whatever I do on My Path today, I am to be prepared, alert and opened for whatever God, has in store for me on any moment. This, as it is written in the Big Book. One of the most important and necessary things I did was to make it my responsibility to 'never' have a son, especially, a son named Mario. A Luke, Miles, or Mortimer. Thor, or Abdul, but never, fucking ever was there going to be one by me. So, I had a vasectomy very shortly after our second daughter was born. No, I have never regretted it. My immediate reasoning was I did not want to ask my wife to have her tube's tied. Why not me? So, I had it done, I even observed the procedure. Until I saw too much. You see, I broke the cycle of men named Sierra. I wanted to ensure my wife and 'I' of never birthing a child named Mario.

Is this the release button?

My right ear is popping and plopping. Sometimes too loudly. This afternoon, I have the roaring of a near by water fall that is some where I have never seen in these parts, but it is so loud. In this same one ear hole to the brain, I listened to a hoover craft float about my roof. This sound is not a hum, more like a loud and deep Om. My Dear, it's a bitch having one ear hole that works as it wishes. I mean, it sucks and it sucks, to have the hearing in the one good bad ear hole get more impaired. My left ear has been troubled by a very steady beeping system, random beep's or a random one beep, like this, "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep"'. This beeping has beeped every damned moment of my awake time thus far on this 28th of May, 2013. I am in retreat.

I have heard and listened to the roar of Angel's...

...and have no more to say. Good Night, Sir.

A Meniere's Vertigo Attack Follow Up

When I rose from bed this morning, it was the ending of a sleep that had taken me on a twenty-eight to thirty hour sleep, this that has tagged along to make it plus sixty hours since I was  ambushed by this Meniere's, vertigo attack in the middle of the week. In these twenty eight or so hours I got up once to pass fluids, but other than that, no activity at all. I had been in a sleep induced fast until this afternoon, when my Eldest Sister, Anna Lou Lynn Blue and I, had caffe con leche and some of that damned good Cuban bread with Swiss cheese at a local cruising place, "Las Theresita", over there back in the other West Tampa. Had it pressed hot too, with a dash of hot sauce and a hot glass of coffee and I was breaking that damned fast with a smile and laugh or two with that crazy sister of mine. Claude have mercy! She is a mess, but that's my sista-from-the-same-mista-and mama too. What can you do when you live in a shoe?

Keep on keepin' on. That's what.

Blue had come across county to pick me up for my trip to the Radiology House to get my MRI and have these two knee's x-rayed. Folk's, I hate to tell you, but these radiology people put my big ass in head first into that damned MRI. I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, so let me share now these two facts, I am claustrophobic, bad, so I took a medication prior to arrival, I am six foot, two inches tall and weigh, let me say, +255 pounds, but less that two hundred sixty-five.Yes, I'm back on the losing side of the battle of with my weight. (No, I wasn't going to say, 'my Battle of the Bulge". I couldn't do that. In my heart that would be a disrespect to all of the soldier's killed during that battle.) I felt very much like the meat in the casing of an Italian sausage or the stuffing of one of them Jewish Hot Dogs and I could go on, you know, but I won't. It was just really necessary I have these done for my newest team mate, my Dr. Rhrumatologist. If not for this needing to get up, I reckon I would still be in bed asleep to my world. I also speculate that this is why I was unable to sit with my nephews a spell yesterday. Sit a spell so my baby sister, Phantasialistic and my brother-in-law, Bil, could attend our dear Aunt's funeral. It is bad enough that this cowboy knows that I missed my Tia's gathering. My heart hurts. I am also sad that I missed two more calls yesterday. With three telephone ringing devices, in my area. So, for me it's no wonder, I wouldn't have made such a good sitter, out-like-a-light and sound asleep. Damn it.

My plans are to remain awake as long as possible, I want to spend some time with my dearest wife, Belguimeenia. I love her to deaf, and I haven't had a talk with my baby's mama in a couple of days and for shits sake. We live under the same roof even, just been in two different places, en`it? This is one of those things that hurt my Spirit's the most, my dearest One, goes off everyday to her job and she works hard, while my big gimpy-goofy-humongous ass sleeps from one day too many. I know what I meant to say, I hope you too might understand.

Since out of bed, I have had a constant beep from my deaf left ear. Constant with interval's, like this, "beep", then I wait a few seconds, and another "beep", then on and on and so on. My right good bad ear has been feeling dumb since I had that MRI earlier. I hear with it, but there seems to be an odd painful hollowness. I must just have to say the beeping from my left ear is maddening and today I am able to witness that this is genuinely inhumane, and could very well be used as a form of torture. I pick up the sounds from my cousins Ranch. The cricket's out there this time of early evening, the cicadas that must be two yards high, frogs and all the other creatures that live along side the ranch that is protected as wetlands. My heart is happy for my Cowgirl Cousin, up there West of Bellamy Highway. I know her Dad, my cousin Armando, sure would be proud of his daughter and love that beautiful Grand Baby Cowgirl to deaf too! I sure do miss you Cousin.

I don't know why, but I still think it strange how it is I associate these sounds or noises with other things in life, places, folks, wild life, and all of what-the-hell I have listened to over the past few years. Not too much surprises me anymore, even though, there are times when I hear shit that's not really there and it scares me to deaf anyway. I still do react with a start when my right ear "POP's". I mean to tell you, when that happens I'm going to spill tea or coffee, or swallow something awkwardly, or pass milk from my nostrils - some shit is going to happen when an ear that is hard of hearing pops so loud that it can scare.

Nausea has been uncomfortable since I broke fast, and I had the misfortune of tasting my coffee twice, an hour or two after I drank it. Coffee and hot sauce doesn't go too well on the way back up. No. The nausea rests in my upper chest and has held still for a bit. Thankfully.

I have sweat too much today, all day. Honey please, you should've seen me in that damned coffin shaped piece of horrifying equipment. I came out a mess and yes, I said my prayer's while tucked and forced into a mechanical casing. I was it's meat. I hate those feckin' things!

The left side of my skull hurts. The lump immediately next to my BAHA implant remains. For some reason it is still swollen and the wound weeps. It is the same that is where the spiders and worms live. They crawl and scurry about between my scalp and skull and I have wished that their shit would fertilize my hair. I want to bring "Afro Back". I have noticed that I begun to feel pains and discomfort's on the right side of my skull, no way like the left, but this is new.

My body and it's entirety, innards and all, are still sore and bruised. Not as bad as a few days ago, but sore. I sit here and think how good that bed would feel under this skin of mine, but I will not succumb to the call of Meniere's Disease. How can I be so sleepy and have slept so damned much?

Oh, wait! I have decided to go with my Internists advice on having a Sleep Study done. She is the third physician to recommend this procedure. These sleeping not-so-happily ever after slumbers, could ought to be studied. I called and left a message earlier today, left a message with my Doctor's Head Nurse and expect a call from her come Tuesday. My Neurologist, Her-With-Many-Names, recommended it highly, her assistant has even arranged an appointment for me at the general hospital, but I would have to wait until July. My Internist and Team can get this done sooner.

I'm with he better now that later team.

I will be connecting with my therapist Sir Dude, Tuesday, for an appointment. I will also be connecting with My Advocate and my Counselor. I think I would like to have some tea with my therapist and get my talk on. I am feeling out of the loop. I'm missing the connect too.

I have no more to say.

A Vertigo Attack This Morning, Meniere's Disease

Kindred,

I woke early this morning, once again besting the new alarm clock and did not disengage the alarm so it would go off, so laid in bed to experience the shake at real time. Disappointingly, the shaking device is not as strong as I imagined it would be. The alarm is same or very similar sounding to my old and or any run-of-the-mill alarm clock, and I have learned the flashing light is not really recognizable in day light. Not enough that would awake or alert me anyway. Once I was up and about, I had tea and breakfast, browsed the Tampa Bay Times, skipped the Sports because The Rays lost, and began to plan my day.

I had planned on opening up my Better Health, Mind, Body, and Spirit office, but I had a very peculiar and overwhelmingly odd attack of vertigo, a symptom of the Menere's Disease that dwells within my skin. I remember clearly having a chat with my wife, Botswana at 1012 this morning. At approximately 1130, while here in our third bedroom, I felt a numbing nausea gain control of me, I had goose flesh run up and down my back and face. I could feel my skull, its contents, my brain's, and innards begin to twirl. I was ambushed by a vertigo attack. Boom!I discontinued whatever it was I was doing, (I have forgotten), removed myself from here, and used walls to slowly retreat to my safe place, where it was I thought to sit this out and resume my day. You know, the grand ole "get up and brush it off", kind of stuff for me. This mornings Meniere's Disease had ulterior plans and this vertigo attack rocked the wind out of my lungs and my world. While laying in my comfy spot I attempted to focus on a source to focus on - something that I could ground on, but nothing ever materialized. Not a thing. Even the damned ceiling fan began to play mind games with me by skip-stopping like a fan processed.

 "Dude, get up, brush it off, and stop crying already. Okay?"

My vision began to wiggle. As in wiggle being and is the exact best description I could stir. My very vision began to wiggle. I thought to myself, 'what da fuck"? I think I can compare it only to some of the scientific tests I have had in the past. My eye's wiggled, while my world, my life and I  went spinning about in my skull.

The sleep was forced and came quickly, very quickly, and I was sent off to a deep and solid sleep. REM sleep, I say, and I share with my Guests that I was well into Dream World. Dreams manifest, varied and with Folks from a different place and time. Seemingly, my paths criss crossing in my mind's and spirit's world. This was a sleep that went solidly and without interruption until 1616.

There is a sad note I must share and that is that I slept through a telephone call today. For as long as the ringer's rang, I heard no sound. I layed there sleeping and laying next to me was the new cordless telephone that is especially manufactured for Folks who are hearing impaired. I had the base of this wireless telephone to my right, I had the cordless to my left, and, we have left connected the telephone on Botswana's side of the bed. The call came through at 1253. There was and are three telephone ringers within a six or seven foot section of me, and I didn't hear a damned one, nor did I ever hear anything during that entire time of being enveloped by the sleep.

There is something brewing in my heart, something I don't recall feeling before. An energy building within, an energy that is from my core. It has just dawned on me, just how exposed I was during these few hours. I think that I felt a sense of helplessness when I realized I did not hear the call come through. I speculate that I still feel the tug at my heart.

Speaking of my heart, I don't know how much more my heart and I are expected to take with this disease Meniere's, and it's disgusting symptoms. I am overwhelmed with exhaustion that One might not be able to empathize with, unless, One has walked in my flop-flips. Both shoulders are heavy, my neck feels as if I am a bobble head, and my body is sore and pained, I feel as if I went and fucked up by getting my ass stomped on. My damned eye balls hurt. I feel pain and discomfort from my left temple to every one of my toes. Every thing between is so sore and bruised, my knees ache, the right one crackles as I walk, and my vision is toying with my emotions.

My Dearest Kindred, my very emotions are bruised. My psyche, my heart, and being are sad. The gloom approaches from the four directions and I want to vomit. I have so much to do in life. I was to have called my feuding doctor's about the new got damned medicine today. This is the shit that hurts my emotions.

Leaving my self vulnerable the way I did, and the way I have, is so ultra fucking horrifying for me to conceptualize. I am knowing. I must do more to better protect my safety. A plan, then.

Over the year's, I have always taught "The Three Women" in my life to be cautious, walk with purpose and intention, and to maintain awareness of One's environment. Blessed Three Women, I must have driven them mad with Daddy-ism's. Now, more than ever in all my days, I must now follow my own words.

Time now I too return to sleep. My eye lashes hurt, my left eye has gone gimp and is half closed. So, for now I say...

...Bella's, love, peace, and more peace, mario

This Is My Meniere's Disease, My Stuff ... And Shit.

Kinfolk, Kindred and Kind One's,

Well, hello, my name is Mario and I would like to welcome you to what is between these three ears of mine and the matter in my skull. A place where I go when I really want to kick my shoes off and sit back inside my mind a spell, just a little while maybe, I don't know. I just know that I have the distraction's of Meniere's Disease and it's many symptoms - stomping up on my back side/butt/ass. Driving me mad.

The sounds and noises remain active tonight and are very loud and irritating. I removed myself from my safe place to deal with these symptoms somewhere other than my bed and little corner. Should I remain in bed, it is a long and dreadful stretch until I would drift off to Dream World. There have been occasion's when I have remained in the dark until 0300 or 0400 dealing-or-not-dealing with the sounds and noises. At this moment I am listening to a radar sonar sound that reminds me of the old Navy movies I watched as a child. American propaganda, home made in Hollywood, U.S.A. Stop. Any ways, that's what I hear in my right good bad ear. The one that soon requires a hearing aid. If I shared that I am afraid of a hearing aid, would you laugh at me? Well, I am.

The lumps remain near and on my BAHA, the Bone Anchored Hearing Aid site, with some drainage. The one just inside my hair line remains. I am pleased to report that with antibiotic medication by mouth and compounds for the lumps, there has been some progress. A fortunate and pleasing progress. At this moment, the left side of my skull is hurting bad at a x7, while it is my shoulder and upper arm hurt a +8...

...I swear, I wish I could find one with hands the strength of Hercules, and I would beg Hercules, please Sir, please, would you reach between my scalp and skull and massage the pain away? Please? I silently scream in pain! I would get on my knees and beg to have Hercules reach between my flesh, muscle and skeleton to massage them in my left neck, shoulder and arm. I would ask that Hercules not be concerned should I cry, as I am in need of having these areas of my body manipulated in a physical and therapeutic manner. Should I cry, let me be.

Please, my Dearest Hercules, I ask of you these favor's, please?

The nausea has been between medium and high all day and I had the misfortune of vomiting into my mouth earlier this evening. The perspiration around my neck and chest collects on my green t-shirt, the area around the top of my skull is misting enough that it moistens a paper towel when I brush it across. I feel the air conditioner share its cool breeze as it travels across the room, yet I sit here and sweat, perspire, and mist. I have the sensation that the nausea is being stored immediately beneath my Adam's apple and I feel that I could hurl chunks of my dinner at any moment. The only reason I know the evening meal is still near by is because of the burps that aid me in combating the nausea. Sometimes tasting it twice is not so nice. For shits sake it is gross.

The Spiders that live in my scalp have been active and have scurried about the left side of my scalp too many times to remember at the minute. Once, was while I was in the garage looking for a light bulb and I felt what I thought was a damned spider falling on me. Damn it, that right there scared me enough to let out a holler. And, oh yes I did. No shit. While the worms lay dormant.

My balance and coordination have been way off. Too much of my day has been with stumbles, bumping into walls and furniture. I did not venture out of doors today due to my fear of falling. The morrow yes, I will give getting out side a fair try. By the way, I would like to share that the Fire Inspector's found our lodge a safe place to navigate and the windows large enough for evacuation if necessary. I was pleased to see that he noticed the path way from one edge of our home to the other. It was created with a purpose. The dizziness is like a tipsy over three champagne. Just enough to create an occasional stumble or to kick my own quad cane thrice or the need to lay my head back and gather my thoughts and nerves. I am horrified of falling.

There continues to be major politics over the new medication that the Nuero Doctor wanted to order for me. I have now my Primary on line pursuing the what-needs-to-get-done, while the clinic at the Tampa General Hospital has not maintained communications. I called today as the patient, soon, I suspect the time will come for the involvement of an advocate. This has gone on for weeks and I am really getting to the point where I am about to say, "fuck it". If I haven't had this medication before and don't know what the medication would do for me, well, in this case it is getting mighty close to 'what I don't now, won't hurt me". For fucks sake, these are some of my Team Mates, and why there has been so many issues and non-communicating that I will ensure  my next visit for Botox injections will include a conversation with She-With-Many-Names. My face to her face. These are my diseases - this is my stuff. And shit. It is time. Besides, as I mentioned just a bit ago, I am on a new oral antibiotic. This particular one is very handsome and is as blue as the blue clear sky. It is a glass capsule and it shatters when it lands in my stomach, where it smashes into one billion pieces of glass that shreds my innards and gives me the gas, so bad, I just might bottle and sell this as a form of petroleum. Whew! Damn it, whew! Baby, this just can't be coming from my tush!

Enough! I have no more to say except, good morning to my daughter's both, over there in a land far and so afar away. I pray, Great Spirit, protect my Warrior Daughter's. Amen.

God Bless Oklahoma! God Bless Syria! God Bless America!

God Bless Oklahoma!

Great Spirit,

Please, Almighty Creator of All That Is, please Bless and protect the survivor's of the horrific and catastrophic storms and tornado's out in Oklahoma. Please, send Blessings to my brothers and sisters in Kansas too.

Heavenly Father, there is an anger within these storms and I am seeing weather systems created like no other systems I have ever seen during these brief years here on Mother Earth. I am fearful of what hurricane season will bring. There is an alert light on in my core and I so do consider these consequence's of what we as Human Kind have done to our dear One Earth Mother.

It saddens me to pass an area of what was just wood lands a few weeks ago. I wonder, where have all the alligator gone? The various turtles? I have worried about the brown rabbit, all of the tall, tall deer. Where have all the armadillo, skunk, and cousin coyote gone?

It saddens me to see what has happened to Kindred in Oklahoma, my Dear Great One, what about the our Children?

Dearest Kindred in Oklahoma, Kansas, Texas, and California, I pray for you! Know that I pray for your Kin and your neighbour. My heart is heavy and hurts for your loss.

Tonight, is a right good night to burn some white sage, sit a spell and pray for them in Indian Territory. The Moon is near full and the sanctuary's bright with the light from the Moon. Maybe I'll take my sage out back to the screened in porch. Face the North and the West in prayer.

I Hail all Spirit's, the Angels, Jesus, and Mary to please surround these Folks who are suffering something horrible. My God. Good God.

Please, God.

If I Could

If I could place an ear bud into my ears, the kind that would silence them both, I would give it a try, I would even try one's from the inside out. I swear, I would. These sounds and noises are roaring with absolute obnoxious disregard and are a hurtful process to know that it is my own body to drive me mad with these sounds and noises of Meniere's. In my right hard of hearing ear there is a loud roar of cicadas and crickets. So loud that it sounds as if there is a competition between them and the frogs. I listened to the voice of a woman earlier today, clear and sweet, just not loud enough for me to understand what was being said and there also is a peculiar, screech-screeching that has happened on and off. My left deaf ear screams and insists that I recognize and reply to the news from Gorky Park. These are rapid signals that sound like Maoris Code, very clear, loud and interrupted. I understand that at this time, the ear buds of an ipod do nothing for me but place me in harm's way. With an ipod ear bud in my one-good-bad hard of hearing ear, I am rendered totally cut off from my environment, which in my case is a dangerous situation. I have been a victim too many times to have a disability expose me to an all together different world of manipulation, intimidation, perpetration, and really, I simply don't have time for any of this in my life right now.

If I could turn back time, like, right now, I would say no. Really.

If I might communicate that I am at wits end on several aspects of my life and this dear path of mine, I would say, my guests and readers expect truth and a state of knowledge that the writer will communicate openly. Sometimes, maybe so too many times I have been totally in the raw. Walking as if transparent, with my agenda being love, peace and more peace, as it is that I shall travel on with this welcomed continuation of recovery. The words are read and the knowledge I am reminded of comes quickly while reading my 12 Steps, saying the Serenity Prayer, and my Hail Mary's and Our Father's.

If I had learned to mourn, then perhaps the hurt within would know how to deal with this process of mourning. I have never learned how to mourn. Even though my Kinfolk and Kindred die yearly, and I attend memorials and services and funerals every damned year, I have this inner not knowing about death and dieing. My Mom, my Dad, my kid brother, David, so too many. I think I have learned to let some things go, I don't know. But, for me, I wait. In my life and on My Path, every day is a good day to die. My sweet Grandmother recently crossed over and very recently, an extraordinary, very loving, and undiscriminating Tia, has passed along. My dear Tia. I have always loved you. I share with you, now in Spirit, that every time I told you that you were so beautiful, I meant it from my heart, Tia. Because you are.  And, Tia, it was only from you, my dear, that I felt the love when you would tell me that I reminded you of my dad. God Bless You Tia. God has gained an awesome Angel.

If I had a vacuum cleaner that I could insert into my belly button to suck out all of this excess fat and innards about my stomach, I would use it. If I could have teeth implants to replace those lost and these gone bad by the years of Bulimia, I would get them with no questions asked. I share so seriously, that the results of what eating disorders do to one's health, body, mind, and spirit, may not show up for years along. I was Anorexic in the Eighty's and Bulimic in the 1980's and 1990's. And, yes, I have revisited the expelling of the contents from my stomach too many times over these years, it's just that now, it is the symptoms of Meniere's Disease and nausea that empties my gut. Here I am in the year 2013, am only fifty three, and what can I say? I am not ashamed or embarrassed by the opening up of the eating disorders, I have spoken of these before. I contemplate this to be some results of coping with issues that remain and or them that resurface. Them that resume, like the memories, the knowing. My body memories, the smell memories that create havoc when we are out and about. The nightmares, the night terror's, and the damned flashbacks, that to this day continue to harass and horrify me and all of I. Seen.

If I could call my Mom right now at area code 305.625.6051, I would. God, I miss you Ma!

A Visit By The Fire Inspector's

Kindred,

Greetings, and please, let me ease on back into my special place here sitting in front of what is now considered a smaller screen and this 'hp' key board that still reminds me of a type writer. I would entertain having a functional type writer indeed, and I have considered I would rather have one that is not an electric type writer, I miss the ole tip-tapping like I do now. Oh, nostalgia can creep up in the brain in a moments non-notice. Kinda-sorta like flashbacks. I reckon.

Two Fire Inspector's came to visit me this morning, a pleasant and peaceful exchange. These right good fellows installed a flashing fire alarm in my room and then I was so very surprised when the gentlemen installed an alarm in every bed room. Even replaced with a new one, the one next to my safe place and this one came with a battery with a ten year life. A battery with a life span of TEN YEARS. Imagine? God Bless America! Where might I get my hands on a dozen or few of these? I think to myself and remember it was just a day or so when I needed a nine volt battery for my new alarm clock. This is one that shakes the bed, has a fluctuating beep/sound/noise that has knocked my socks off and flashes. The one I could rarely hear has been replaced and will be placed here in our third bed room. I couldn't help but chuckle when one Inspector placed an alarm a foot or so from a rather large Spider's web that I have let be. I smile because I have had guests here and quite honestly have let it be for my nephew and niece, Mortisha and Gomez. I love them, my young nephew who was once a Zombie, and my two tiny gorgeous niece's to deaf!

Folks, this morning I awoke prior to the alarm to go off, and, I forgot to turn it off. Well, when it did, my poor hound, "Ting Ting", shot out of my safe place as if she was being chased. Honey's, she has a 'Hound Cave' underneath our bed and she was so shittin' startled by this event that when running out to me, her ears appeared to have been taped to the side of her beautiful little face. My Great God, please bless, our awesome lil' hound Abigail, also known as Ting Ting. She, who taught herself to be my service pup here at home. I love my dear hound to deaf too!

Thank you to my Advocate at www.self-reliance.org!  I am humbled and am blessed. Seen?

Meniere's, Pain, BAHA Issues and A New Diagnosis

Kindred,

I send out this communique, in an unpleasant state of mind and health. I am in pain and high discomfort. I have pain in my left scalp, at the site of my implant, my neck, my left shoulder and left arm to the elbow. I have called the Neurology Center at TGH and have been asked to go to the Emergency Department...

...I hesitate, and await a return call from He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. I sent him photographs on the yesterday. Since then, this bulbous mass of flesh has grown more and has surpassed the implant and abutment in size. This flesh is my flesh that originated from within the site of my implant, it hurts me and my emotions bad. What, with this huge bulb of flesh sticking out and sucking on my abutment - it is disgusting and quite embarrassing. Don't ask. But any who, I wait for my doctors return call. It is now only 1803 and based on how doc works, he is still in clinic or in surgery.

So, I'll wait. Then I'll decide what it is I will do.

Heaven's to Betsy! And I would really rather cuss up a storm and shit, but I won't. I am very frustrated by this episode with my BAHA implant. There has been much suffering behind the titanium that protrudes from the valley located on the lower left side of my skull.

I know that Dr. D., has done his best with this never ending story of snip-snip-cut-slice and dice. Look, he has it easy, he stands on the other end of that scalpel. It is I who must endure the pain and uncomfortable sadness I feel when my dear wife, Britannia, plays nurse for me.

There is something else I must share with my Guests and Reader's, I have located a lump-bump-cyst on this same left side, just inside my hair line inches from the implant.

I am so afraid. Just a bit. Really. I reckon.

Earlier today I had the utmost pleasure of meeting the latest member to our Better Health Team. I think I shall refer to her as Dr. K., and she is my first Rheumatolgist, who today, has shared with me the newest and latest diagnosis attached to my name, "arthritis". God Bless America! I am too dad gummed young for all of this nonsense! I have radiology to have done between now and my next scheduled appointment with my dear sweet Dr. K. I'm thinking, 'honey friend does not play!', and I am alright with this. I require an MRI of the lower spine and x-rays of my knees. Doc informs me that my right knee talked to her, before she said that, she almost exclaimed, my gosh. I like my good right doctor alot. I appreciate her guidance, and I trust doctor and am comfortable calling her a Team Mate. Oh, she made me promise that I would call He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, today. So I did, and I have.

I have also spoken with my therapist. I had to. You see, I call this, disengaging.

Come the morrow I shall visit with my Internist. It is time she and I have a face-to-face. I am looking forward to her consult and direction. I am prepared to take the next step in attacking these things that keep this brother down and am bring in the documentation from the insurance company on it's denial. We'll get this situated and ship shape. Chop-chop.

It's tough enough having The Man keeping me down. Seen?

I am dizzy. I am sweating and I have nausea. These pains stab me and this bulb of flesh has a pulse. The sounds in my ears are ridiculous and I am so fucking frustrated with the pain. It's all so damned simple, yet has to be so goat damned difficult. What is that?

It is 1841.

I wait...

The BAHA, Sounds, Noises

Kindred,

It is 0234.

I am unable to sleep because of this ridiculous racket going on in my ears. The sounds have been extraordinarily loud and obnoxious, some so loud I was unable to hear my wife, Bahama, I had difficulty listening to the late night news and could not hear my cellular device that was sitting on my lap until Bermuda let me know that it was ringing. Lots of crickets, frogs, cicadas and there might be a few alligator sending out their mating call. My left ear has been blasted by the sounds of a large water fall - the roaring of a water fall. The beeps come and go, no where near as bad as the past twenty four or so hours. My right ear continues to pop and plop too damned much. This is a daily and nightly thing and happens at all times of the day and night. I have shared that there have been times the pop is so loud that it startles me and then, there have been the painful plops.

I have ingested a medication in the hopes that soon I too shall rest. Maybe dream a spell.

Kindred, there's something I wish to share real quick like about the site of my BAHA's implant and abutment. A lump has developed at the base of this implant, it is mighty red, inflamed, and painful. The return of ugly pain to this part of my skull and scalp lets me know that something not so good is going on over here. My plan is to hold off until Monday to call He-Who-Touched-My-Brain. Unless, this gets difficult.

For now, I'm off to my safe place. Read another chapter or two then lights out.

Me

I Dialed The 211 Today!

I dialed the 211 today,
yes spoke of you, but never
ever mentioned your name.
But, I spoke of this at bay.

If I want to go and tell someone
how you have broken me, Hun.
I have protected your dumb ass
for years and now think, who's ass?
You speak of filth and think it fun.

You have wrung out me heart
it's like you to live your life a lie.
You know you have torn me apart
I'm tired of doing so with wife.

As bad as I fucking wanted to
I held my words in my mouth.
And felt the pump, pump, pump
to my heart beat thump-thump.

I dialed the 211 today,
yes spoke of you, but never
ever mentioned your name.
But, I spoke of this shit at bay.

You remind me of another
whose name I will not share.
I hold these words in my mouth
and inform you to be aware.

I am an adult grown man brother,
you have mistaken me for another.
I'm afraid of you, and don't understand,
it's just time for you back off, I've got a plan.

I say, I called the 211 today!
Yes, we spoke of you, but never
ever mentioned your name.
But, I spoke of your shit at bay.

A Not-So-Cool, Second First Impression

Kindred Hello,

Folks, I wanted to communicate a bit of a not-so-cool, second first impression of the newest members to my team. Them on the Employment Front. The company I planned on joining forces with has made a miss-step. I have had and am communicating the disappointment.

I have communicated and have established with folks in the positions to assist me that I preferred someone who deals with the Deaf and Hearing Impaired folks as a Coach and Mentor. I did not want to speak with a young lady, or be spoken "to" as if this is my first trip up to the plate. I "canceled" a doctors appointment for a gathering with this organization based on the urgency with which this person utilized a sales persons approach to communicating with me. I am very, very put off. I was placed in a position to say 'now!', on an appointment or wait because, Ms. Lady Friend, with position of import was assigned my case and is too busy?

 

I sensed the young person was on a speaker type of device or telephone. I have made clear the paramount of confidentiality and my privacy respected. I also got an idea that for a while she was being coached. These are matters of the heart and trust. On this Monday, there was a different young lady to call my home. I have been in the sleep and am dealing with some ugly Meniere's Disease related issues.

Kinfolk,, there was just something not right with this whole scene.

This is not the company that I interviewed a few weeks ago, this is not the way it was represented on my telephone interview with them neither. I mean really, and to be told and informed that I should not be calling the office is just down right poor first impressions and I am disgusted that I may have lost my doctors appointment over this.

America, honest to my Great Spirit, I am not sure which way to go from here, other than get back in that doctors office that is. There was no empathy - just her need to get me, the new meat in that seat down town.

I have no more to say.

 

p.s. My doctor appointment is back on the books.

Can People With Meniere's Disease ____?

Kindred,

This is a true story.

For the first time ever, I was recently asked a question by a guest that was so simple yet angst provoking as to how I should respond to the question, "Can people with Meniere's Disease F---?", that I was puzzled for a few days. Yes. Well, this has got to be one of the most forward questions I have ever had on My Path. Blushing, today, I share the answer is yes.

Now, going back four or five years, while there was high apprehension, anxiety and all the uncertainty about Meniere's Disease. There were times to consider all of the hospitalizations, the operations and procedures. On top of all of that, there were and is each and every pill, tablet, capsule, I.V., and or injection, that is eaten by me. Things did become some what uncomfortable for me then.

Today though, the answer is yes, people with Meniere's Disease can have sexual relations.

Thank you, dear reader, my Guest, for such an honest and up front question. Maybe this is something you may wish to discuss with your physician, as I speak strictly on my experience only.

Right, then.

Good Luck!

Love, peace and more peace, Me

Ciao.

A Brief Report

A brief report to share that I have been troubled by a steady and yet, inconsistent beeping originating from my left deaf ear. Since 1730 last afternoon, these beeps have tested my best in coping skills when it comes to this torture. I say right now that this is something that has a mind of its own and manipulates by the steady, yet inconsistent rhythm. But, to hell with that, I have had and am having a beeping attack that has not ceased.

It drives me absolutely mad. I am able to beep 'out' loud with the beeping that is going on in my deaf ear hole to the brain. My implant and abutment are deaf too, until I press my processor into the side of my scalp. I am cutting my hair in mourning come the morrow. I am almost afraid at what I will see at the site of implant. The many curls that I have let relax have actually been a form of camouflage, coverage of the processor and also have been an issue. When the longer hair gets stuck between the processor, abutment and implant, it hurts and I am sure probably not too clever to have afro puff hair get in the way of hearing. I ain't got time for that.

The right-good-bad-ear-hole-to-the-brain, has had challenges aplenty. Too many. Since the time has come for me to begin the process of finding the good right hearing aid for me, I have kept an eye open. Kindred, these folks are charging thousands and thousands of dollars for something that will enhance my day to day life style. How am I to be provided an opportunity to purchase one of quality while not having to suffer sticker shock. Just like every damned time I purchase a latest pair of lens, I am like, what the FAQ, every time. This right ear is all the ear I've got left. Sometimes, I so want to try on a pair of those new BOSE old school head sets, I know those mama's stomp, but I only have one listening ear, so I leave it alone.

Facial spasms times five or six times today. The spider's play mind games because I let forget how these bastards scurry about real quick like. Known to scare grown ass man. Ha! Let a spider or worm run amok in your scalp. Let a constant beep-beeping be a part of your day for what now is several hours. This is nothing new for me. Please. The deep burning and hurting pains with-in both ears are an enigma. Doctor D., does not find issue. I say tonight that the pain can get so bad that I have had unpleasant thoughts cross my mind. I work it and I work it. These damned pains are fucking real life and are alive. Please? At this instant I am listening to some sort of Angelic, aura of sound, boasting loudly from the same deaf left. While all along a solitary beep breaks through every once and again just to remind me that it is still here.

The occasional silence of my right ear hole still scares me. Sometimes, I totally forget and freak out. Some mornings, I so very truly forget there just might could be a gap of silence for me to wait out. It happens. Sometimes like that silly ground hog day motion picture. A brief report.

Left said, beep. I say good morning. Ciao Bella's.

A Serenity Prayer, A Plea, and A Way Of Life

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...

...courage to change the things I can...

...and the wisdom to know the difference.

My Dearest Kindred,

I am unable to quantify or even begin to imagine how many times I have prayed this prayer. My plea, to My God. I mean, Kindred, there are thing's about me that my own Kinfolk can't see. There are experience's, incidents, terror's, and horror's that I have seen, felt and tasted while being abused as a boy, teen and Man. Shit perpetrated by Folks my Kinfolks knew. Or know. You see, as much as One attempts to figure me 'out' or attempt to 'out' an individual who has for the most part, finally figured out that it is 'I' who am the biggest part of me. It is 'I' who must relearn to really and honestly let go and let God. Because as much and as hard as I try, there is too much going on in my life to control. Honest to my gut, there really is just too damned much shit going on with me, my health, and life.

So, I pray. And, I talk to my Great One, via my 'heart-to-heart' connection, with God. My God, knows that I was born in the Fall, and God, knows I love leather, and God, knows I love lace. My Great Spirit, is aware that I continue to mourn. So, I pray my Hail Mary's, and the Our Father's and other right good Catholic prayers. I was baptized Catholic as an infant and was a good damned Catholic boy, who hated Jews, as taught and read the Bible and studied, and had this utter and complete fear of My God and my concept of Hell. I was forced fed so much at such a very young age. Confessions to the Padre's who would know who I was by my voice. By the Sins I committed as a boy and confessed the Sins of being a Boy having Sex with Men and knew I was the Sinner in many of the scenes of sexual abuse. It was my fault for so many years and I had the notion that I wasn't worth shit. I sinned and was to be damned to hell. I very seriously thought through out my childhood that I was very truly doomed to hell. I would cry myself to sleep. Then, as a child and now, as an adult, for the past twenty years in recovery, I have cried myself to sleep.

Such fucking dogma.

I am indebted to the 12 Step Anonymous programs for my introduction to a different way of life. I am thankful and sincerely indebted to each and every counselor, therapist, psychologist and psychiatrist through out the years. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I will, as I have for over twenty years, pray,

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,

Courage to change the things I can...

...and the wisdom to know the difference.

Great One, this is me! Please come in to my heart.

A Cornucopia of Utterance's

Kindred,

Just a short few hours ago I woke up to this beautiful Florida, sun shiny, bright, and gloom filled afternoon. I have felt this angst in my teeth, and my sinus cavity, off and on all day today. Something has stung me with this crazy desire to wash my hands and face, time and time again. Which really troubles me, because this is very unlike the way I am and today finds that I have a penchant to washing my face and hands and wash my hands and face an unknown amount of times today. My first concern is the waste of water. Honest to God, it troubles me to see or hear a person over use water. The people who waste our water trouble me.

I awoke as if it were morning time, but the clock read rather late in the afternoon. I am not knowing why, but, The Sleep has returned in its laboriousness. This vacuum of energy renders me bed bound and I am reporting I have slept twenty plus hours the past two days and prior to these days, I was sleeping sixteen hours plus. I sit here saddened and with ignorance, I feel myself at a loss for words and an obvious presence of uncertainty. The Sleep and the non-living, scares me. The Sleep scares me, because of the amount of time I am down, when the Meniere's Disease's symptoms shake my tree and makes me feel that it has taken root by force , this has genuinely overwhelmed the inner chambers of my heart and chest, both of which, are right here where my innards are stored.

I watch the thumpity-thump-thump-stop-thump-stop, of my heart beat on my right wrist.

The pains in my scalp and neck have been harsh, and I have come to the conclusion this must be the way it is I am to live my life. It is my purpose to share this as it all fits quite well into the grand scheme of things in my life and path. There is a reflection of what is meant for me to live with this omni present pain and discomfort that is associated with my anatomy, bit's and piece's abound. I'll tuck-and-roll whilst my physician's experiment with my peculiar illness's and I have provided verbal full speed ahead to all who treat me in the manner which they see fit for creating a better state of health for me. I acknowledge that I have been a Guinea pig, once or twice. Said fact, but, I am okay with this. I trust every physician in my team. With my life. The spiders have returned, them that were once thought and considered long gone. Well? I reckon the spider's were begging to differ, as these bastards have scared me twice today. One spider went across the top of my skull and the other made its presence known wiggling on the left side of my scalp and skull. The damned worms never left, and it just crossed my mind the 'not knowing' of how long they have lived in the area between my scalp and skull is a puzzle. Other than the Neurological Pain medicine Gabapentin, for this, there is nothing else I eat. The facial spasms continue, as do the dreadful pains in my inner ear's. If I could just get my finger in there deep enough. While on the subject of Neurology, I'll share that I called my primary physician/internist earlier today to see if I might possibly meet her post visit with the newest member to my team, a doctor who practices under the same roof. One who specializes in the spine. I was kindly denied, but was informed of a cancellation on my doctors schedule, which translates into me seeing my primary next week, which removes a month of weeks between the next scheduled appointment. That's mighty huge in these times, I say. And, this sure expedites the process to begin the latest medicine, the next anti-depressant.

There is an urgency in the bringing of the letter of denial from the insurance company. For shits sake, I have physician who wants to work her wonders on me and we both get denied. Damn it, that truly rocked my world. I just couldn't nor am I able to determine the truth of why this medicine was kept from me. This is why I am ready to take this medicine and kick up my steps in life. I want to live a life. I want to have hope with this new medicine.

It's my next newest new hope.

I have had the Sounds from Hell attack my every damned nerve and yes, the last one too. A beating by the sounds between these three ears of mine. All of this crazy making noise is plain old freaking hideously unrelenting. By the way, I wanted to say, 'old fucking', but thought otherwise for some odd reason. No, I don't know. I have listened to "long and out loud beep's", to the zeppelin stuck over my house - in time and manner. It hums so loud it sounds like it is but a couple of yards from my roof. From the one right ear there have also been the aquatic sounds of whale beckoning one and another and the radar sound of the Russian submarine stuck off the Saint Petersburg, Florida coast a few miles or so. I wonder if the Mores Code I heard a few minutes ago originated from there. There has been three foot crickets and two foot tall cicadas singing their fucking lust songs loud, long and clear. There is no medicine for these symptoms.

Sometimes, there's more to it: It is easier said than done, and the grin and bare it's get old...

...while it has been such, the state of my dizziness has been so uncomfortable and at times dangerous. I consider while writing these words, could this be a contributing factor in my need for sleep. It is customary I wear socks and sneakers as a precautionary measure when battling the poor coordination and dizziness. Today, the nausea has run on high and sits at the base of my neck, just a bit lower than my Adam's apple. There has been some activity and I have vomited into my mouth twice. Possibly due to the nausea, I have sweat what certainly has been pint's over the past couple of days, yet, at this moment I am but misting around my skull and I am dry elsewhere. For this brief respite, I am happy.

Let me share that I am not so happy about fucked up noises and sounds, from the voices of them Folk's screaming and yelling about "their" amendment 2, to the Constitution of The United States of America. I would love to shake the hand of the person who has placed pages before them to learn what it is our fore-fathers uttered and farted, with their fancy 'read between the lines' of all the talk-talk-talk about MY Rights as a citizen. When I hear from the streets and pick up the concussion of some heavy metal gun shots, going off a block or two due West, or a side arm, shot the block over. The shows of such a tolerance for the Folk's doing the killings are proof that being killed by mass murders, assassins, Dexter, or Cowboys are the politico's least worry and not at all the slightest bet interested in what is going on in MY country. Just today here in town there is report on the news about a three year old toddler shot to death. These State's of these South Eastern United States, has begun to re-arm itself. I am not leaning to heavy on the stats I am about to share and share them because I have studied one and too many shootings created by weapon's of mass ammo. You see, it's not clear to me, but when the Local, County and State Law Enforcement Officers, are sadly out gunned. Out ammo'ed and dealing with Folk's who are already killing and shooting one and another. So much talk-talk about Black on Black killings. Some one better wake somebody up because what I am reading and seeing is a bountiful White on White slaughter, after slaughter, after massacre. I speculate that many of our citizens have grown weary. I have. A White America is now experiencing and seeing time and time again, what it was that White America committed against the Indian Nation's, even up into the early 1900's there were slaughters committed by the white citizens. Now, all are to see with their own eyes what was done to the Black Folk's of our country, past and present. How it was the Jew's were rounded up in this country and murdered during the Nazi influence upon the face of this Earth Mother of ours. The Japanese during WWII, placed in Detention center's. Even now, to know racism continues is unfortunate for this country's plans. The fact that antisemitism lives on in this country and that many Native Nation's remain destitute on the reservations, makes me sick.

America, please read The Constitution. For shits sake, and I mean from cover to cover of a book that would also contain the Declaration Of Independence, because this is a catastrophically sad thing going on out there in our society. Folk's killing and justifying their ignorance by calling out a number. People please, folks who shoot and kill a person or people, MUST know that your ignorant ass is going to jail. And then to prison and then depending on what type of shooting was committed, one might never come out. Alive.

I recently made mention of praying the push prayer. I pray and I push real hard. which translates into I push and I then push again and then more if I must. For this is what it is Great Spirit wishes for one and for all. To very simply push and to mean it. "Pray Until Something Happens'. Please, my dear one's pray and push for our Country....

There is something that is to be learned by me and them in my circles. That being my unions with Angels and the Archangels, who have been in my life's experience all life long. The Earth Angels, are them who you love as a Kindred Spirit. Earth Angels are those with the special blend of Spirit and of individual. There is one in my life who is this type of Earth Angel. One who returned to my life back in 1979. Crossing paths with me shortly after my discharge from the U.S. Army. In my heart, was the very heart that belonged to my one and only true girl friend for life - why lie. Today she is my wife. The heart and love of my one and only one individual that I so prayed to come back to me and come back into my life. My bride, my wife.

A Spiritual trust to the medical professionals in guiding me as a Spiritual Being to a better place. Same said about the unions I have with them involved with my better mind and body.

My Soul and my Spirit's are not mine, they belong to my God. Hands off.

This period of my time here has been for me to live and learn. Now that I am at this point in life and at an understanding of I am, knowing I am here but for a brief stay, and I'll swear that I really do try to live my life, so the preacher don't have to lie.

This has been a cornucopia of my utterances and I have nothing else to say.

I Want To Laugh Again, While I Work, Having A Good Time, While Making A Buck Or Few

I am in a period of some growth pertaining to my Better Health, Mind, Body, and Spirit's Team. Seems to me, things become clearer as I walk this path. My oneness, tells me I have had these places of being centered on the all-that-was-happening in my life and path. On special nights and wee hours, just like tonight, there is a natural difference on the preserve, there's a coolness in the breeze and a few windows are open. All out of doors has gone silent. Bird Cousins rest...

....my Team has been assembled and there will be new team mates coming this week. I am excited and honestly, I just want to get some life in this body and Spirit's. When I feel strong. even if it is but for a brief period in time, I thrive while in that zone. Practice. Right, sometimes when I contemplate on a matter, and fly above the camp - seeing my quarters from my eyes: the eyes of an Eagle, my talon's are long, curved and sharp as a razors blade. Maybe sometimes, I think to myself that so much of my recent few years in life has been a strange struggle. But, with good battles and some just pure no damned good at all. the push moves me. The focus in my life at this moment, is my Health. I always bring game-day-face for my dear bride, Berlin.

There has been this vibe that I get from the energies that come into my life, from Folks here and Folks on the other side. I pick awesome energies from the energies of the Folk's around me. Those who believe in me and believe too, that I have worked hard to arrive at this point in life.  Almost as if these steps are predestined, and I walk like this, in these shoes, and my sneakers, with my beads around my neck, Jesus, in my pocket, a power point quartz crystal wraped around my neck that some times travels down my back and brings that crystal all the way up to my throat like a choker with the Crystal at my apple. I like that. I like it alot. These bandanna's and my moccasin's, are forever faithful. Seen. Great Spirit, Bless this, My Path.

All I want is a return to a spot in my community, where I will excel in what ever it is that I am to do. I am very eager for ASL classes at collage. I want to learn Math and typing classes too. I want to laugh again, while I work, having a good time, while making a buck or few. Please. Yes.

Neurologically Speaking And The Meniere's Disease

Neurologically speaking, within the past two days I've had an increase in discomfort and pain with my neck, left shoulder, and scalp. The facial spams continue inmass, spasms of unknown orgin, form in my inner ears, yes both the deaf left and right ear. These are a lingering, deep inner ear pain spasm. Considering I get these in both ears is bizarre because a huge percentage of my issues are gathered on the left side of my scalp, face, neck, and shoulders. The worms come and go as always, but I have not been troubled by the spiders crawling between my scalp and thick skull for a wee spell. The thickness of my skull by the way, is a doctor certified thick skull. Mom was right.

On the Meniere's front, I have a band of perspiration wrapped about my forehead, there is a bandanna tied around my neck and I perspire lightly on my chest. The noises and sounds have been loud and obnoxious today - I heard and have listened to what sounded like a hoover craft or two in the front yard. My Kindred, this was a loud hum, that hummed 'out' loud for approximately an hour. It sounded like very long and stretched out hums. This sound comes from my right-good-bad-ear. And at this instant, I am honest to God, stoned cold Deaf in my Deaf Left Ear! My Great Spirit! The blessing of the quiet is so very much appreciated. I humble myself before you, Lord. Earlier today the nausea ran so high that I vomited in my mouth and tonight the nausea runs low, which is yet a sweet and delightful respite from the norm.

I was able to connect with my internal doctor's office manager earlier today. I rescheduled my next appointment at her facility to meet with she, my primary  physican, come mid-June. I had been originally scheduled to have a physical in June, but I have nixed this for now. The visit with my primary will serve multiple purposes, one of which is to affect change by making effective immediately, the surety of knowing I will see my primary, Dr. L., or Dr. K., only. Secondly is to communicate my new neurologist's recommendation that I go through my primary for the introduction to these types of anti depressants and thirdly, simply to visit with my Dr. She-Who-Has-Been-There, since 1989. I am glad and have no worries with this.

An Extreme Flashback, Memories, Sudden Terrifying Sensation's and Horrifying Thought's

Yesterday afternoon, I experienced a force of sudden terrifying sensation's and horrifying thoughts. Thoughts of being taken away from my family. From our home, from my wife, essentially from my life. Afraid of being institutionalized, as I was so often threatened as a child. This shocked me from my world. My emotion's and my physical being, has been stirred and shook up from so much overwhelming random horrific memories from my boyhood, youth, adolescence and early adulthood. Presently speaking, even. There are memories that have been stirred from the inner most depths of my Soul, all of which I believe and conclude are related to the ill advances of one whom I am not prepared to discuss, any more than I have in the past. This individual has made my life a living fucking hell, and I feel alienated and scared enough to withdraw, or retreat, if you wish. To go to a place somewhere with-in my chest, right where it is now. Where I can feel the heavier thump-thump of my heart and an emptiness or void. This predator and perpetrator type conduct, mannerism's, action's and verbiage scares me. I'm a grown ass fucking man and I speak of being scared.

What is that?!

The thoughts and fear of them in my circle who have turned a blind eye is killing me, from the inside out for shits sake. I see and hear truth's of human conduct daily. This smile on my face is a medicine that I use to help myself as well as other's, in believing every thing's going to be alright, while I am afraid it really isn't. It is my sincere belief that I have been harmed by this person and that I have been betrayed beyond one's wildest imagination. My humanness and my heart has been broken. Again. I am with deep resignation acknowledging that these terrifying and horrifying sensations, be it them all, are to be stemming from the so many years of keeping at bay this type of perpetual harassment's. I will save the detail, saying with great knowledge this is all based on fact and from the life time's and life experience's of being sexually abused, emotionally and psychologically abused and abandoned by my own family. By the neighbours living next door, them across the street, and or by those on my block, and too many folks called friend's. I have also considered and have concluded that the very societies in which I was a part of turned their collective backs on me, my sibling's, and I. And, yes, I know. For fucks sake, please. By the way, I use the term sensation's, because this event was more than a thought and am aware even greater than a flashback. This harsh negativity invaded every bit of inner energy, my life forces, my heart, and Spirit's. This, for what is the first time in decades, a terrifying and horrifying place to be. I know this. You see?

I reluctantly share the complete bare nakedness of where I am presently, and no, this is not voyeuristic in nature. I am dissected, yet am able to say I am handling this event with as much rational conduct, strength, trust, ability and or capability, that I can muster. I'll share that shortly after session yesterday, I felt it necessary to reach out to Sir Dude my therapist, due to this event. I felt it again today and called him again today, as this has been that powerful a shake in my life. I know and am aware I can not do this alone. So, I have made plans and began communicating with my wife, Beatrice, last night. This afternoon, I was also provided the opportunity to reach out to my counselor over at the Vocational Rehabilitation Department, Miss. L, and have a solid communications. Thank you both.

All of the "this and that's" in my life and on My Path, weigh heavy on my shoulders and mind.

I am and feel totally powerless over these fucked up disease's, one and them all. I say this, be it physical, as in the Meniere's Disease and symptom's, to the Neurological and Spinal disease's and the symptoms, and just the whole and absolute gawd damned everything that is ailing me in health, and then, the deep emotional and psychological health issues that I try so very hard to maintain and do so with a right good proper attitude, disposition, and 'out' look in life. Con mucho gusto!

I try. God knows, I do.

A Time For Change, Letting Go

Kindred,

The time for change has come. I am not sure which way I will decide to direct my attention, but a decision will be made indirectly. Speaking directly, I have decided to back off on a family matter that I have permitted to occupy too much place and time in my life. Several balls are rolling on My Path requiring my attention. There's not better business than one's own, so here I go.

It is for me to learn, still, that I am better off letting go and letting God, take the controls. Damn it Folks, that's some tough navigating right there without control of the wheel's or stereo...

...maybe the A.C.? Maybe? No, and I know that I must relinquish control of my life and let God. I do not comprehend why it is so got damned difficult for me. Great Spirit!

I have been implanted with a device placed behind the titanium plate attached to the left side of my skull. This is where a device sends out messages to the satellites orbiting around us daily and nightly too. These pass over head and create maddening hearing problems and issues for me. So, in turn I send via the implant protruding from the left side of my skull, and originating from the before mentioned titanium plate, messages of hope and faith that some damned day soon, I'll know what it feels like to just let go. To just let go. And not even let the young pups, like yesterdays drama, trouble me.

In therapy today, I owned my part of the scandal and drama and I accept that I played and toyed with this young puppy, but dude's, I took up for myself. And, I have been on my period for a week now and the pup just picked the wrong day in my cycle to play word association games in public with me. Young Sir, my advantage is that I know your name's and you know I know that I repeated them several times during our controlled chaos and bark fest. I will not ever forget your name's, He-The-Social-Path-Po-Puppy. I reckon, we both learned lessons yesterday afternoon. I know I did. Seen?

These sounds and noises of the meniere's have been problematic since I woke this early morning. It is now a different date and time and I am still dealing with the sounds since morning. The same with the perspiration's and sweats, all damned day and night. It is amazing I haven't sweat myself a loss of weight, although I do say I have lost four point five pounds since the last at my primary physician.

Progress, is good. A time for change. Oui?

Meniere's, Neurology, And The Symptom's

I awoke this morning with the nausea of Meniere's, grabbing me by the throat. I had a horrific gagging attack that broke me out into pooling sweats that became creeks, forming streams, and rivers of my body water traveling from my scalp heading South bound. The dizziness implies there will be alerts today to keep all systems open and eyes and ears on full alert. Um, I said ear's too. Ha! But yes, the dizziness this morning is a champagne sort of tipsy dizzy - not too intoxicating, though enough to let me know that my balance gauge is off center.

The sounds have been absolutely stupid over this past week and so, like since when not. Most have been the same as always so I decided not to communicate these woes for a few. I speculate it was time to talk a while about this, I make haste in apologizing for not focusing much on the Meniere's lately.

I see a photograph of myself, with my Third Eye and ask myself why apologize and do not have a response to this self asked question. I also see something that recognizes me from some features on my face...

...well, well, well, I just hung up with doctor's assistant over yonder and down town. She explained the reason's why I was denied the medication and shared that doctor wants to refer me to a sleep specialist. What is that? I also found out just a few minutes ago that my new neurologist is not really my new neurologist. She-With-Many-Name's is a neuro/head/neck pain specialist. I remember making it perfectly clear to same Folks that She-With-Many-Name's, is now my new neurologist. She, too. I don't know, but am I the only one here to feel a twist of a muscle somewhere in my mid mind some place. No mas, here's the pass-the-patient routine again. No time.

So now I know what deja vu all over again feels like behind my face.

Have had a good and productive face to face with my therapist, Sir Dude. Since I left off at the deja vu piece earlier, I'll segue right back into here. We had good exchanges and the one that closed our session, was me speaking and realizing that I am now obligated to have sessions with him. Now, that it is written in my business plan with vocational rehabilitation. I have let this wrap around my skull and two brain's, the one half and then the other half', because I realized as I uttered those words that I had not processed this since signing my plan yesterday afternoon over at the government office. I have been obliged to met with my therapist. My therapist is a trusted member of my team and it was I who choose to have this relationship with the right good therapist. I expect that this will not affect our patient/therapist relationship and I suspect that should I ever pick up a slightest clue other-wise, there might be an issue. Or two. I feel strongly enough but this that I shall place a call and connect with my counselor at VR come morning.

While out, I was able to have pleasantry's with my dear Lady Ma'am, over at the English and South African market. I expect to see and meet her again in two weeks. My next visit with my right good therapist. The weather is light rains for now with storms expected later on today, it is not too hot out side, more like quite warm with 100% humidity, along with the sprinkle. Oh, my good-goodness, it was one fine mess combined with the sweaty mess of the meniere's. I was able to navigate fairly well. I had three stumbles and my body was nearly side swiped by the car of a woman rushing back to get to work from lunch. I'm not too sure that Miss. Lady, even noticed me and my extra large Ogre sized body and badunk-badunk. Bless her heart.

There was thrice times I noticed the Mother Earth beneath my sneakered feet shape shift and I wasn't sure of my footing. Oh, and no, these are not related to the stumbles, these three episodes are completely different in nature - this visual is more do to with my balance and perception of depth, I truly do think so, anyways.

The sounds have been very hectic, always distracting, and random the past several days. There have been many of the usual suspects and I have learned that I should jot down every damned new noise and or sound that comes along. I did enjoy sharing the sounds that I hear from the YouTube, but that has been interrupted by some unknown source. For shits sake, I just want to share with others what 'tinnitis', sounds like in my ears. The left deaf and the right hard of hearing one...

...at this instant, I am listening to what is the remnants of what was once a loud and long lasting "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep". But so damned loud. Then, the beep slowly began to taper off and I am left with what sounds and feels like post concert ear. My left deaf ear has had the sounds of submarine traffic and the sounds associated with sounds of such underwater craft. My hearing has been shit poor and it has also been too sensitive from the harsh sounding innards of the little blue bus. There is a nice and steady beep, beep. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeep, going on.

Rhoda, I just don't know what I am to do sometimes.

 For this time being, I think I'll keep my chin up, continue to keep on hangin' ten and try not to 'sweat' the shit that is out of my control. I reckon if it was meant for me to get smashed by Miss. Lady-In-Such-A-Hurry, I would've been smashed. Seen?

Gotta Go, Love,
Mario and Pearl