Hold It, Let Me Express Myself

Let me share a few things about this post attack scene I've lived the past couple of days. I was successful in waiting until the dark of night yesterday to retire to my safe place. Today, has been a different blood type of day, so I ended up sleeping for a few hours earlier this today. There was an utmost need to remove myself from the "World of The Awake". The noise and sounds within have driven me to the point of wanting to choke myself with the vomit that lies in wait immediately below my Adams apple. I have felt tipsy for a good chunk of the day, it's one of the reasons I took the sleep. Hold it, you see, to be tipsy and have not a lick-of-liquor in the system just doesn't make an ounce of Southern Comfort sense where I come from. Oh yes, the sounds. Earlier, I was sitting here at the desk having a face-to-face via Scalp with my Eldest Child in a land far and far away, listening to some Fleetwood Mac and my dear Stevie Nicks singing a Capella, when I heard a Man's deep voice behind my right shoulder. I heard what he said. As clear as crystal and I didn't even budge. It was at first a start, yes, but a start in the brains. My thought process and body didn't react or respond the way I might have in the past. I explain, my reactions are based on the severity and or loudness of the sound and or noise I hear or think I heard. In this case, Mr. Man, and no I do not wish to repeat what I heard. I am also aware this was in fact but one incident, and it is with all my energies I acknowledge this step forward. I will pray and contemplate on the subject and that with time the reflex to naturally react will calm, be more at ease. Too many of all of you forget that I have seen each one of you react to a fright or startle. Seen.

Hold it and let me express myself one minute. It wasn't that too long ago that I had Kinfolk and Kindred, my Relations, literally reprimand me in the public view's for this, my natural response to a loud, odd and or sudden unfamiliar sound/noise/voice. Let me say this, I know there has been a healing process with the whole Single Side Deaf thing and heck yes, I know that even with my BAHA in, there is still a hearing that is not the hearing I had when I could creep up on Kin and pull a coup and or keep a creep from creeping up on me. Seen. We, who can hear, are born with and have two hearing portals to the brain's when born. Let me now share this based on experience. All shit and EVERYTHING else changes with the loss of sound or hearing! Fuck around and lose your balance on one side of your brilliant minds! YOU, my loving family members, YOU my dearest 'friends' are the one's with these brilliant minds and it is because I know that you all are in fact brilliant, that I wish to simply ask you, to each and every one just please kindly kiss my whole Southern ass. With all of the ever lovin' respect I can muster, I mean that expression from my heart. I mean, hold it this thought and let me express myself, don't you donkey's know what you did and have done with me and to my emotions? My Ego? Imagine? To be reprimanded by you all "out loud"? What? Naw Boo! Let me continue to work on these issues of mine. This journey has been a mind trip, you know? Bullshit! You don't know! If you did, you wouldn't have screamed at me in public. You know who you are - I don't need to mention names. I'm just expressing myself. What the feck?

Hold it! I know I just recently brought this up, but while I'm expressing myself, let me remind all Kinfolk and Kindred, unless you know American Sign Language and wish to teach me or enhance my non hearing/hearing experience - leave your fake ASL in the car or truck. This same expression includes the all of you who think it is so funny asking whether I pick up Sirius or not. Seriously?

Relations, I share with all of you now that them I cross paths with in the supermarkets, department stores and generally those I meet in public are so very much more welcoming and respectful to me. Wait! I did just recently have the manager at Winn-Dixie Supermarket take a few steps back when he say the BAHA protruding from the left side of my indented bobble head. But, you want to know what? His reaction may have troubled me for all of a moment or a couple. I remember laughing about it on my way home. Yes, I see Folks looking and seeing something they may have never seen before. Yes, there are still the gawkers, but I take that on a per case basis. Dig? I am more at ease and peace with them who are the total stranger's who cross My Path. It's too many of you, my Kinfolk and Kindred, who have not provided me the opportunity to heal in a natural state and process. It is these very One's who oddly (?) enough don't even read this blog - my words...

...it is your silence and it is your division that lets me know which way is up for you and your crew. I am still learning how to say good-bye and am still learning how to let things loose. Seen.

Hold it! Let me express myself. Yes, I speak of the topic from time to time, but who the hell would think that "love" would need a hand? When one says I love you - some rather huge words, you see. When I say them, these words come from deep within, because "I" do not not take these words very fecken lightly. Too many around me drop these words not knowing they pierce my inner self. I love Folk and I love it when Folk love me - but, damn it, let us clarify.

I have learned many an important Life Lesson during these very short few years. One of the most important in my mind and Spirit is learning and seeing just who my Kindred and Kinfolk really, really are. I mean? Really?

Hold it! Let me express myself about this Meniere's Disease. It's Meniere's Attacks and it's pre and post symptoms that become a part of my life. It is a Life of Uncertainty's. I ask for help and am mocked or ridiculed, by Kinfolk, Kindred and this White Man's Government. I am what I am and what has happened to me, is me. But I am still me.

For Fucks sake! Can't you see I'm only trying to express myself?