It's 1525 at this moment, I feel awake, alert and pleased that I've awaken from a closer to 40 hour sleep. Since this Friday past. I really don't want to go back to the reasons I went into Dream World, but I can share again that this human body closed shop for a very close to 24 hour period. No in-take, no out-put...
...there's something I believe to be truth. That there are times if my wife or daughter do not wake me, I would sleep an unconceivable amount of hours. The symptoms that no doubt motivated me to sleep were the noises in both ears. I mean, like loud and obnoxious noises, sounds and voices. The gagging nausea, the sweats and dizzy spells. I had to turn it off...
...really, I had to turn me off.
Today I feel embarrassed about the sleep. I've once again slept away too many hours of my Life. Let me share these and this slumber are not induced by any medication. These are an unmedicated slumber, you see? I have taught self to ease off to slumber. Task myself into slumber. Pray myself to sleep. So I wonder from time to time, what is it that is really going on under my skin? In my skull? I just don't know. Even though quite embarrassed, I do in fact feel well rested and am in a position to once again push my self and my body.
Please, let me share something with you. Maybe like a Say and Tell?
There are times when I really let stuff invade my space and my Spirit's. There are too many times when I still curse and belittle myself. And there are many times when I think of harming this outer shell of my being. I see myself with different eye orbs now. As time goes by, I pray I will adjust. It has been a very long edcation on how to live with Meniere's. Wait, first of all, I don't know if one really learns to live with meniere's. Not this meniere's - this bastard has a hold of me.
I think about the what might have been's, I think of all of those wonderful years working and working hard for my money. A tax paying citizen since 12 years of age. I miss the contact with peer's. My friends. Our customer's when in the field. I think about these so much - sometimes they invade my Dream Time and there, I worry about staffing and inventory as if I were at work.
A very large concern and something I think and worry about everyday is the equipment that I need but am ill prepared to purchase. I think and worry about my bride and daughters and pray for all of my Kinfolk and Relations. I know and am able to feel the empathy and concerns from others. Like free medicine.
Sometimes when I think too much, the process is sometimes changed by the words and wisdom of a wonderful friend and confidant named Stewie. We met back in the early '90's. Today, she is a Big Sister for/to me. I don't think I ever said those words to her. Someday, yes I will. I love her to deaf. You see, Stewie, was the therapist all those years ago who taught me about rumination. The ugliness and dangers about what rumination's can and will do to one's better state of mind. The disengaging piece's were huge and I still use these techniques when necessary...
...when I am reminded to.
It's freaking tough being dictated by something that is totally out of my hands. Something I can't touch or smell. Meniere's. It does in fact occupy me and so much energy.
I spoke by telephone today with someone who I have always held with high regard, repsect, trust and love. His vibes and positive energies have assisted me by giving me a rich and very pleasent boost in my Core. It feels good and I am Blessed. Again, like free medicine. This kind fellow has always had a motivating passion for life and this passion is contagious. It provides me with visions of me as a younger one. Well, and as I still am on the day's I am strong and not troubled by symptoms.
I think soon I'll get back up on my pony John Wayne and ride him good and plenty. Yes? Yes, sounds like an excellent idea.
Walk In Beauty...peace.
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