My eye orbs, my heart, my one ear hole and my Spirit's miss Cherokee, in an awful way. I have not been on a holiday away since 2008. It was September, 2009 when I became home bound. Placed on a medically necessary exile. I am blessed beyond description to be exiled here with-in this lodge. My Home. I've grown to love and enjoy living here, I enjoy touching this little piece of Earth Mother under my home, feet and hands. Being connected to the preserve behind me is a blessing. Just knowing it's back there is quite comforting to me.
Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to visit Sir Dude. Whew Shit! I can't wait! Maybe I catastrophically spoke of the weeks and weeks piece, but I be damned if it hasn't been a few weeks since I saw him last. I do realize and accept my part in the break between visits. I had the Vertigo Attack.
I tend to go else-where when I am not in touch with my Mental Health Care Team. For example, I have found a second spot where the artery in my right wrist pumps twice - in synchronization. Right, one could count my pulse by simply counting them as it is seen on my wrist. I imagine puncturing one with a straight pin or needle to see the blood squirt-squirt out of my wrist.
Yes, Kindred I have thought about the suicide thing. Have even come up with ingenious ways of saying farewell...
...but then, I also share with you now I have had these thoughts and imagery since I was a child. Instead of worrying about my batting average, studies or marks, my simple little boy mind was putting myself in danger and seriously considering suicide...
...I would walk the streets of West Tampa late at night. Walk through McFarlane Park...walk to the University Of Tampa, Down Town, Kennedy Blvd. - ALL in the hopes I would be abducted. Harmed. Raped. Murdered.
I was but a child.
As an adolescent I did the same things - just at a more aggressive way.
As a young adult, I held a weapon (hand gun), to both temples...placed it into my mouth and pointed straight at and up towards my penis. I so didn't want to live. I was so confused and hurt inside. Yes, it was loaded.
As an adult I had the Anorexia and Bulimia. I knew I was killing myself. I would be lieing if I said other wise. I wanted to be like Karen Carpenter. We were dealing with the Anorxia at the same time. She died first and opened my eye's to just what kind of shit I was doing to my body. From my teeth to the organs pumping and working under this shell called a body.
A body which contains a special Spirit. A Spirit that loves Earth Mother and loves all Relation, Kindred and my fellow Earth creatures...
...the winged, the four legged, those that swim.
On a final note let me share that I was born and raised Catholic. To this day, I believe I would be damned to hell should I ever take my own life.
So, I live and live my life with as much gusto as I can muster. I am not afraid of dieing or death. I know I am here for a short brief time...
...so I live this life one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
Peace, love and please God, Bless them who have survived Hurricane Irene and Bless them who were killed by this terrible storm...and Bless their Kinfolk.
I feel your frustrations although I can't assimilate to your experience. In my youth I was a stellar athlete and superior scholar but in my late twenties I was side swiped by bi-lateral menieres. Now at 32 I live my every waking moment with severe tinnitus, 70% hearing loss in one ear and 40% in the other. Most days are hard to get through, wonder if I'll be able to hear my child's first words, a cry for help, or lose my job due to my hearing. Trust me I have had the thoughts but please talk to others before doing anything. It may or may not help but definitely wont hurt.
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