I remember a White Woman telling me recently that America has changed and that we no longer use Jim Crow verbiage...
...I wonder from which American Nation she comes from?
Here in this country, the country I live in, I am still prejudiced against because of the richness of my mixed blood. Yes, I may be a mixed breed, but I have been around the South long enough to know better than the shit she spews.
I have had Hate crimes committed against me because of who I am and what I stand steadfastly for. Equal Rights for all peoples - no matter what Race, Relgion or sexual preference.
I have been prejudiced against because of the Cherokee Indian in my blood.
People don't ask fucking "How" anymore. For Pete's Sake, really? It had happened to me at Walt Disney World. Our Cherokee heritage is a strong and healthy one. How? How in the hell?
My Grandpa Roy's Grandpa fought in the Civil War. White Kinfolk. Was shot in the leg in 1863 and died in 1864. He fought simply because his home was being invaded by tha Yankee's. WE owned no slaves.
On my Dad's side of the tree we have the Spanish/Latino branch...
...and a branch with some of my blood that comes from them with dark complexion. From Africa. Morocco and the Spanish Canary Islands.
I have been called a Spic, Nigger, Injun, Wop, Cracker, Faggot, along with every profane word one could imagine.
It's like this, I know where I am in the South and I know where I come from. I also happen to be older than Miss. White Lady, teaching me to speak English.
Folks speak of speaking truths. I say to her, keep your truths and leave mine alone. I know who I am and from where my Peoples come from. I look through glasses that are clear - please, you keep your rose tinted glasses to your ignorant self.
And Miss. White Lady, don't tell other people how to speak when you speak with two faces. I don't know which one to look at or which one to listen to or believe in when you speak or write.
So for now, you are expelled like the fuming gas that comes from your breath. Those that speak ill of others predict sadness and misfortune on their own flesh and blood.
I am sorry for the bad news, it is something beyond my grasp. It was you who spoke with two faces - not I.
Speaking Truths...
p.s. With this Bone Anchored Hearing Aid sticking out the side of my left skull - this opens up a whole new chapter. Well, well, well...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Suicide and Thoughts of the Matter
My eye orbs, my heart, my one ear hole and my Spirit's miss Cherokee, in an awful way. I have not been on a holiday away since 2008. It was September, 2009 when I became home bound. Placed on a medically necessary exile. I am blessed beyond description to be exiled here with-in this lodge. My Home. I've grown to love and enjoy living here, I enjoy touching this little piece of Earth Mother under my home, feet and hands. Being connected to the preserve behind me is a blessing. Just knowing it's back there is quite comforting to me.
Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to visit Sir Dude. Whew Shit! I can't wait! Maybe I catastrophically spoke of the weeks and weeks piece, but I be damned if it hasn't been a few weeks since I saw him last. I do realize and accept my part in the break between visits. I had the Vertigo Attack.
I tend to go else-where when I am not in touch with my Mental Health Care Team. For example, I have found a second spot where the artery in my right wrist pumps twice - in synchronization. Right, one could count my pulse by simply counting them as it is seen on my wrist. I imagine puncturing one with a straight pin or needle to see the blood squirt-squirt out of my wrist.
Yes, Kindred I have thought about the suicide thing. Have even come up with ingenious ways of saying farewell...
...but then, I also share with you now I have had these thoughts and imagery since I was a child. Instead of worrying about my batting average, studies or marks, my simple little boy mind was putting myself in danger and seriously considering suicide...
...I would walk the streets of West Tampa late at night. Walk through McFarlane Park...walk to the University Of Tampa, Down Town, Kennedy Blvd. - ALL in the hopes I would be abducted. Harmed. Raped. Murdered.
I was but a child.
As an adolescent I did the same things - just at a more aggressive way.
As a young adult, I held a weapon (hand gun), to both temples...placed it into my mouth and pointed straight at and up towards my penis. I so didn't want to live. I was so confused and hurt inside. Yes, it was loaded.
As an adult I had the Anorexia and Bulimia. I knew I was killing myself. I would be lieing if I said other wise. I wanted to be like Karen Carpenter. We were dealing with the Anorxia at the same time. She died first and opened my eye's to just what kind of shit I was doing to my body. From my teeth to the organs pumping and working under this shell called a body.
A body which contains a special Spirit. A Spirit that loves Earth Mother and loves all Relation, Kindred and my fellow Earth creatures...
...the winged, the four legged, those that swim.
On a final note let me share that I was born and raised Catholic. To this day, I believe I would be damned to hell should I ever take my own life.
So, I live and live my life with as much gusto as I can muster. I am not afraid of dieing or death. I know I am here for a short brief time...
...so I live this life one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
Peace, love and please God, Bless them who have survived Hurricane Irene and Bless them who were killed by this terrible storm...and Bless their Kinfolk.
Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to visit Sir Dude. Whew Shit! I can't wait! Maybe I catastrophically spoke of the weeks and weeks piece, but I be damned if it hasn't been a few weeks since I saw him last. I do realize and accept my part in the break between visits. I had the Vertigo Attack.
I tend to go else-where when I am not in touch with my Mental Health Care Team. For example, I have found a second spot where the artery in my right wrist pumps twice - in synchronization. Right, one could count my pulse by simply counting them as it is seen on my wrist. I imagine puncturing one with a straight pin or needle to see the blood squirt-squirt out of my wrist.
Yes, Kindred I have thought about the suicide thing. Have even come up with ingenious ways of saying farewell...
...but then, I also share with you now I have had these thoughts and imagery since I was a child. Instead of worrying about my batting average, studies or marks, my simple little boy mind was putting myself in danger and seriously considering suicide...
...I would walk the streets of West Tampa late at night. Walk through McFarlane Park...walk to the University Of Tampa, Down Town, Kennedy Blvd. - ALL in the hopes I would be abducted. Harmed. Raped. Murdered.
I was but a child.
As an adolescent I did the same things - just at a more aggressive way.
As a young adult, I held a weapon (hand gun), to both temples...placed it into my mouth and pointed straight at and up towards my penis. I so didn't want to live. I was so confused and hurt inside. Yes, it was loaded.
As an adult I had the Anorexia and Bulimia. I knew I was killing myself. I would be lieing if I said other wise. I wanted to be like Karen Carpenter. We were dealing with the Anorxia at the same time. She died first and opened my eye's to just what kind of shit I was doing to my body. From my teeth to the organs pumping and working under this shell called a body.
A body which contains a special Spirit. A Spirit that loves Earth Mother and loves all Relation, Kindred and my fellow Earth creatures...
...the winged, the four legged, those that swim.
On a final note let me share that I was born and raised Catholic. To this day, I believe I would be damned to hell should I ever take my own life.
So, I live and live my life with as much gusto as I can muster. I am not afraid of dieing or death. I know I am here for a short brief time...
...so I live this life one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time.
Peace, love and please God, Bless them who have survived Hurricane Irene and Bless them who were killed by this terrible storm...and Bless their Kinfolk.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Meniere's Disease, Me and My 30th Day of August 11
Up for second time today and it's 1422 at the moment...
...am thinking it's a Meniere's Thing - this issue with my sleep. My last few day's have been full of the symptoms of past attacks - fortunately, no vertigo attack. Yet! As I sit on pins and needles daily. Waiting and anyways, I really do anticipate such when these damned symptoms emerge from not too deep withing this skull. Now with no telltale sypmtoms. As I have decribed in previous postings, these sypmtoms that range from beeps too locomotives in my back-yard, to The Everglades at night and airboats too. Thus, no longer a set of guide line of symptoms. These are far and wide and extraordinarily as wide as my Mother Earth is diverse...
...seems to me these have all been meshed into a "special of the day" type Meniere's/Vertigo Attack. Other than reminding me that there is a dreadful guest living within me, these symptoms don't mean a damned thing anymore.
I mentioned earlier about up for the second time today. I have noticed within this past week or so, that when I wake at 0830-0900, by 1100 or Noon comes about, I am so truly exhausted it becomes absolutely necessary I return to bed. I have noticed that prior to these episode's I am a danger to myself because I actually feel what I can only express as a melt down of mind, Spirit and body. The noises in my ears go mad, the worms are active, nausea, dizziness, the balance and coordination pieces do not align - which places me back into the seat of The Human Bumper Car...a bit of danger. Have had too many falls. I don't want anymore falls, God!
Once awake from the one to two hour rest I feel physically stronger and more grounded to Earth Mother. I can not explain this queer state of affairs. I can only say and request prayer, good vibes and fantastic energy please be sent to my family and I. I don't want to live like this. What in the freaking hell is this going on? I just know that so very deep with-in my Spirit, I stand in fear. A fear that has invaded my Dream Time.
At this moment I feel up to task and attempt to communicate via this format and as to "where" I am now. In my Walking my Path, I apparently have no mouth. I speak, but many of them around me have no ears. What can I do?
So, I follow what my Spirit's say do. What it is my body say's to me. Have learned to listen to mine intuitions. And follow them. Once I've learned I had to look inside me to see where I wanted to go from here, I set my compass. Which direction do I want to head with this disease...
...um, it may follow me and be as a piece of my luggage for the rest of my Path. I accept this. So be it. I'll carry this then. The One God, speaks of not placing more than one can handle on ones plate, well I am blessed by this. Mine run overflows. Please believe and know that I must surrender, I am powerless over this disease. I suspect it is necessary for me to carry this as my Cross.
At this moment in my Deaf Left ear I am listening to the sounds of The Everglades at mid-night loudly and clearly. Too clearly. Oh yes, the beeps have been a long stretched out beep. Like this BEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, and then again and it goes on and on. If I'm not hearing something in my Deaf ear - it is a pleasure. A Deaf ear is supposed to be Deaf. These noises leave little tags of madness. Like a tagged Big Bear, I try to deal with the sting of this reality. Little tag's of madness.
Tell and Say!! In my Circle of Kinfolk nearby, I am called Big Bear.
I am perspiring and have had the sweats today. My t-shirt is ring around the collar with the sweat and the moisture has my t-shirt stuck to my chest and slimming tummy.
I suspect this has alot to do with the nausea that sometimes gets so bad works me to a sore throat, like today. I mean really, sometimes this "nausea" is so bad it alters my voice. WTF?
I am dizzy as one might feel after getting off one of those festival rides. Them that spin one around at many miles per hour - then goes in reverse at high speeds. Shit. Yes, I have taken my medication. Had to.
My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a streak going with the bad Hard of Hearing days and ways. It is dreadfully frustrating! Too many times lately I have had to wing it while listening to someone speak. I get screamed at because I sometimes speak to loudly, so say my Kinfolk. The Voices remain and the loud pops will sometimes startle me...
...for that matter, there has been this unexplained and curious phenomena where and when I hear a very loud explosion. Random ass! "EXPLOSION!" I jump as a result and am repremanded for acting up so randomly. Well, if some of my Relations we're to read - my Relations may have a diffrent outlook and understanding. This Right-Good-Bad ear continues to have increasingly long moments of total silence...
...as in a state of total silence.
The Funky Worm sensation on my left skull was active just minutes ago. Maybe these bastards rest a spell.
Ya-Hey, all Relations, thank you for reading my words. It is a beautiful thing knowing someone other than I will read what today has been for me. So far. LOL!
The neck and spine piece is becoming more and more troublesome. A call to doctor comes soon.
Thursday, I will have a visit with Sir Dude, my therpist. Way too much time has past since I visited one of my safe places and him last. Several weeks, en'it? Sir Dude, this shittin' extension of non-visitation does not look or feel good in my center. I would rather we not have this issue again! Please?
Relations, love, peace and safety.
God Bless all who were and or have been affected/effected by the Hurricane Irene. So much loss, so much distruction. For all of them - my heart aches.
...am thinking it's a Meniere's Thing - this issue with my sleep. My last few day's have been full of the symptoms of past attacks - fortunately, no vertigo attack. Yet! As I sit on pins and needles daily. Waiting and anyways, I really do anticipate such when these damned symptoms emerge from not too deep withing this skull. Now with no telltale sypmtoms. As I have decribed in previous postings, these sypmtoms that range from beeps too locomotives in my back-yard, to The Everglades at night and airboats too. Thus, no longer a set of guide line of symptoms. These are far and wide and extraordinarily as wide as my Mother Earth is diverse...
...seems to me these have all been meshed into a "special of the day" type Meniere's/Vertigo Attack. Other than reminding me that there is a dreadful guest living within me, these symptoms don't mean a damned thing anymore.
I mentioned earlier about up for the second time today. I have noticed within this past week or so, that when I wake at 0830-0900, by 1100 or Noon comes about, I am so truly exhausted it becomes absolutely necessary I return to bed. I have noticed that prior to these episode's I am a danger to myself because I actually feel what I can only express as a melt down of mind, Spirit and body. The noises in my ears go mad, the worms are active, nausea, dizziness, the balance and coordination pieces do not align - which places me back into the seat of The Human Bumper Car...a bit of danger. Have had too many falls. I don't want anymore falls, God!
Once awake from the one to two hour rest I feel physically stronger and more grounded to Earth Mother. I can not explain this queer state of affairs. I can only say and request prayer, good vibes and fantastic energy please be sent to my family and I. I don't want to live like this. What in the freaking hell is this going on? I just know that so very deep with-in my Spirit, I stand in fear. A fear that has invaded my Dream Time.
At this moment I feel up to task and attempt to communicate via this format and as to "where" I am now. In my Walking my Path, I apparently have no mouth. I speak, but many of them around me have no ears. What can I do?
So, I follow what my Spirit's say do. What it is my body say's to me. Have learned to listen to mine intuitions. And follow them. Once I've learned I had to look inside me to see where I wanted to go from here, I set my compass. Which direction do I want to head with this disease...
...um, it may follow me and be as a piece of my luggage for the rest of my Path. I accept this. So be it. I'll carry this then. The One God, speaks of not placing more than one can handle on ones plate, well I am blessed by this. Mine run overflows. Please believe and know that I must surrender, I am powerless over this disease. I suspect it is necessary for me to carry this as my Cross.
At this moment in my Deaf Left ear I am listening to the sounds of The Everglades at mid-night loudly and clearly. Too clearly. Oh yes, the beeps have been a long stretched out beep. Like this BEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep, and then again and it goes on and on. If I'm not hearing something in my Deaf ear - it is a pleasure. A Deaf ear is supposed to be Deaf. These noises leave little tags of madness. Like a tagged Big Bear, I try to deal with the sting of this reality. Little tag's of madness.
Tell and Say!! In my Circle of Kinfolk nearby, I am called Big Bear.
I am perspiring and have had the sweats today. My t-shirt is ring around the collar with the sweat and the moisture has my t-shirt stuck to my chest and slimming tummy.
I suspect this has alot to do with the nausea that sometimes gets so bad works me to a sore throat, like today. I mean really, sometimes this "nausea" is so bad it alters my voice. WTF?
I am dizzy as one might feel after getting off one of those festival rides. Them that spin one around at many miles per hour - then goes in reverse at high speeds. Shit. Yes, I have taken my medication. Had to.
My Right-Good-Bad ear has had a streak going with the bad Hard of Hearing days and ways. It is dreadfully frustrating! Too many times lately I have had to wing it while listening to someone speak. I get screamed at because I sometimes speak to loudly, so say my Kinfolk. The Voices remain and the loud pops will sometimes startle me...
...for that matter, there has been this unexplained and curious phenomena where and when I hear a very loud explosion. Random ass! "EXPLOSION!" I jump as a result and am repremanded for acting up so randomly. Well, if some of my Relations we're to read - my Relations may have a diffrent outlook and understanding. This Right-Good-Bad ear continues to have increasingly long moments of total silence...
...as in a state of total silence.
The Funky Worm sensation on my left skull was active just minutes ago. Maybe these bastards rest a spell.
Ya-Hey, all Relations, thank you for reading my words. It is a beautiful thing knowing someone other than I will read what today has been for me. So far. LOL!
The neck and spine piece is becoming more and more troublesome. A call to doctor comes soon.
Thursday, I will have a visit with Sir Dude, my therpist. Way too much time has past since I visited one of my safe places and him last. Several weeks, en'it? Sir Dude, this shittin' extension of non-visitation does not look or feel good in my center. I would rather we not have this issue again! Please?
Relations, love, peace and safety.
God Bless all who were and or have been affected/effected by the Hurricane Irene. So much loss, so much distruction. For all of them - my heart aches.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Nikki, Meniere's, Nikki, and Still Sleeping
After having slept very much of Thursday and Friday, I awoke this morning earlier than usual, and felt that I was going to ride the mess out of my pony, John Wayne. When we're hot we're hot!
Today would have been a good to to die. A very warm Florida day and night. I also know and believe today has been a good day to be alive...
...Meniere's accompanied me on my ride-along with Brenda and one of my sisters doing week end run about's. I'm thinking that maybe a couple of items sunk deep into the crevices of one of my brains today. Maybe I speak of them now or may be later. Depends on where my Spirit's and these fingers and thumbs take me once the energy get's to moving.
Tomorrow will be 14 day's since my last Meniere's vertiogo attack. Please understand a major part of the meniere's is the "coming back home process". For shit sakes, I just slept a twenty four to 30 hour span where my body shut down. No in-take, no out-put. It is quite honestly as if my enite body closes shop. What troubles me most about this recent sleep spell is how late it was in the post-vertigo attack. Brenda and I agree this has been the longest stretch coming out of such...
...then Brenda, asked "do you think Nicole's leaving for Abu Daubi, added to an already depressed state of being"? As much as my mind wanted me to man up and say no - the Daddy heart kicked in. It knocked me in the head.
My Honorable #1, left for Abu Daubi, a few days before I last had an attack. I wanted to scream at her as she walked towards the People Mover at TIA - Nikki, PLEASE DON'T GO! Don't go Kiki! My heart was bad. But felt obligated to be "the strong one". Little did my Kinfolk know I was falling apart inside...cryed in private and for day's and night's...
...like, I mean, she's my First Born child. She's was Daddy's first pretty, pretty princess. In a few days my baby will be turing 30 years of age. Yes, maybe in my brain - but not my heart. And like Bobby Brown sang, "It's My Perogative". I'm the Dad and if this has been a difficult transition, so be it. God know's...
...We're both Libra's so somethimes we know just what to say...maybe rarely, the wrong words to utter. Alas, what can one do when they live in a shoe?
Have decided to close this entry with those and these words...
...daughter I love you more than life itself. I would gladly take a bullet for you. Give you a kidney. Give you the one good eye orb I have. You know that I know you know, this is your home too. You are always welcome home baby. For forever and always.
I miss you so much and yes, I still cry myself to sleep...
...I love you Sweet Nikki...with all my heart...
Today would have been a good to to die. A very warm Florida day and night. I also know and believe today has been a good day to be alive...
...Meniere's accompanied me on my ride-along with Brenda and one of my sisters doing week end run about's. I'm thinking that maybe a couple of items sunk deep into the crevices of one of my brains today. Maybe I speak of them now or may be later. Depends on where my Spirit's and these fingers and thumbs take me once the energy get's to moving.
Tomorrow will be 14 day's since my last Meniere's vertiogo attack. Please understand a major part of the meniere's is the "coming back home process". For shit sakes, I just slept a twenty four to 30 hour span where my body shut down. No in-take, no out-put. It is quite honestly as if my enite body closes shop. What troubles me most about this recent sleep spell is how late it was in the post-vertigo attack. Brenda and I agree this has been the longest stretch coming out of such...
...then Brenda, asked "do you think Nicole's leaving for Abu Daubi, added to an already depressed state of being"? As much as my mind wanted me to man up and say no - the Daddy heart kicked in. It knocked me in the head.
My Honorable #1, left for Abu Daubi, a few days before I last had an attack. I wanted to scream at her as she walked towards the People Mover at TIA - Nikki, PLEASE DON'T GO! Don't go Kiki! My heart was bad. But felt obligated to be "the strong one". Little did my Kinfolk know I was falling apart inside...cryed in private and for day's and night's...
...like, I mean, she's my First Born child. She's was Daddy's first pretty, pretty princess. In a few days my baby will be turing 30 years of age. Yes, maybe in my brain - but not my heart. And like Bobby Brown sang, "It's My Perogative". I'm the Dad and if this has been a difficult transition, so be it. God know's...
...We're both Libra's so somethimes we know just what to say...maybe rarely, the wrong words to utter. Alas, what can one do when they live in a shoe?
Have decided to close this entry with those and these words...
...daughter I love you more than life itself. I would gladly take a bullet for you. Give you a kidney. Give you the one good eye orb I have. You know that I know you know, this is your home too. You are always welcome home baby. For forever and always.
I miss you so much and yes, I still cry myself to sleep...
...I love you Sweet Nikki...with all my heart...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Mea Culpa...
My acknowlede-ment of yesterdays sad song entry is a way for me to ask that one and all please excuse me. Yes, I got choked up and instead of dealing with that subject somewhere quietly, I commenced to share this anguish and heartache pretty much quietly aloud...as in Screaming in Silence...
...mea culpa. Please.
Have just woke up from a self-induced/forced hour and one quarter of refuge and rest in my safe place. There was a few minutes earlier where I had a really bad dizzy spell, and needless to say when it hit I thought for sure I was headed towards a Meniere's Attack. Was able to make it to bed and I must say the dizziness is quite some better.
The dizziness does in fact continue and I've taken ordered medications and am feeling just a wee bit more planted on to Earth Mother. When I get the bad dizziness or the motions created by an attack - there is no being planted. Am adrift and controlled by whatever the meniere's desires...
...I am nauseated something ugly. High nausea with an incident just minutes ago where I burped because I think it helps - and I burped up some cereal and milk/juice combo. Some of this escaped via the nose. Oh shit, how much more gross can this be!
I am centering slowly...breath. Take each breathe with a soothing purpose.
I am misting and perspiring at this moment. Earlier my t-shirt was stuck to my chest. I share this with you right here - Thank God for good deodorant! Honey please, sometimes I pick up a little whiff. Okay? No mas.
Meaning no more on this topic. For now anyway's. Am just thankful for my stick of Old Spice! LOL!
The worms are sleeping at this time. They stayed up long after my double-wide ass went to off to slumber. For now, it's nice to not have those sensations for sure. No pain neither! In my skull or in my neck! Bonus!
Today, thus far, the hearing in my Right-Good-Bad ear has not been too dang shabby. A dull listen, but a better hearing. Another bonus!
My left Deaf ear is picking up what sounds like a tank moving about in my back yard. I can hear it sure as lightening makes thunder. And no, I don't have a tank in my back yard. I sure as hell can hear it though...
...if I should start hearing it shoot it's projectiles, I will dial the 911. Ummm, BUT then, that might require a 911 on self. If you know what I mean. End up in some ward some-bloody-place. The 13th floor at Tampa General! What?
Maybe John Wayne, my pony and I will bust out of here in a spell. My baby daughter just got in from work and she wants to go to the Sam's Club. If invited - I'm outta here!
God Bless my daughter in the country of Arabians! God Bless All of my Relations around this globe named Earth Mother...and please my dear God, Bless our WOmen and Men out there placing their lives in danger every day for these United States of America...for all of North America...peace. Please come soon.
...mea culpa. Please.
Have just woke up from a self-induced/forced hour and one quarter of refuge and rest in my safe place. There was a few minutes earlier where I had a really bad dizzy spell, and needless to say when it hit I thought for sure I was headed towards a Meniere's Attack. Was able to make it to bed and I must say the dizziness is quite some better.
The dizziness does in fact continue and I've taken ordered medications and am feeling just a wee bit more planted on to Earth Mother. When I get the bad dizziness or the motions created by an attack - there is no being planted. Am adrift and controlled by whatever the meniere's desires...
...I am nauseated something ugly. High nausea with an incident just minutes ago where I burped because I think it helps - and I burped up some cereal and milk/juice combo. Some of this escaped via the nose. Oh shit, how much more gross can this be!
I am centering slowly...breath. Take each breathe with a soothing purpose.
I am misting and perspiring at this moment. Earlier my t-shirt was stuck to my chest. I share this with you right here - Thank God for good deodorant! Honey please, sometimes I pick up a little whiff. Okay? No mas.
Meaning no more on this topic. For now anyway's. Am just thankful for my stick of Old Spice! LOL!
The worms are sleeping at this time. They stayed up long after my double-wide ass went to off to slumber. For now, it's nice to not have those sensations for sure. No pain neither! In my skull or in my neck! Bonus!
Today, thus far, the hearing in my Right-Good-Bad ear has not been too dang shabby. A dull listen, but a better hearing. Another bonus!
My left Deaf ear is picking up what sounds like a tank moving about in my back yard. I can hear it sure as lightening makes thunder. And no, I don't have a tank in my back yard. I sure as hell can hear it though...
...if I should start hearing it shoot it's projectiles, I will dial the 911. Ummm, BUT then, that might require a 911 on self. If you know what I mean. End up in some ward some-bloody-place. The 13th floor at Tampa General! What?
Maybe John Wayne, my pony and I will bust out of here in a spell. My baby daughter just got in from work and she wants to go to the Sam's Club. If invited - I'm outta here!
God Bless my daughter in the country of Arabians! God Bless All of my Relations around this globe named Earth Mother...and please my dear God, Bless our WOmen and Men out there placing their lives in danger every day for these United States of America...for all of North America...peace. Please come soon.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I Am Enclosed In The Box
For the first time in a quite sometime, I felt the walls of my lodge closing in on me...like the walls in the old horror motion pictures with the daggers sticking through them to pierce my body multiple times...
...I felt as if I was on the edge of a cliff and could not escape the fall half of a foot in front of me.
Honestly, I was so close to an anxiety attack - I broke down in tears.
I was just so desperately in a need to step from my home! I needed to get out! SHIT! What is it that is so difficult for folks to understand. I live my life in a medically imposed exile. EVERY DAY of my life!
I was so desperately in a place for somebody - anybody to call and check on me. Maybe a bit of coorespondence via social web gathering. Like the facebook. E-mail. Send me a telegraph or something.
...any friend...any member of my family...any Kindred. Just a call.
There is no one out there that can say this faster than I! And I damn well know and understand that my Relations and Kindred have jobs to do, families to take care of, and the things folks just want to do when they're off the clock.
All I ask for is to be acknowledged. Just so that I am not alone.
I have to wait until September to see Sir Dude...way too much time has passed since we last had our face to face. And it's been just about two months since I last say Dr. N. A bit too long between visits of my Better Mental Emotional Health Care Team. And I know this.
My heart races as I type these words. Not from some damned soda pop, tea, or coffee...
...my heart races because I am claustraphobic and like a toy in a cereal box - I am enclosed in this box.
My pony and I had a hectic pace today. Good ole John Wayne and I...
...better days lay ahead. Please.
...I felt as if I was on the edge of a cliff and could not escape the fall half of a foot in front of me.
Honestly, I was so close to an anxiety attack - I broke down in tears.
I was just so desperately in a need to step from my home! I needed to get out! SHIT! What is it that is so difficult for folks to understand. I live my life in a medically imposed exile. EVERY DAY of my life!
I was so desperately in a place for somebody - anybody to call and check on me. Maybe a bit of coorespondence via social web gathering. Like the facebook. E-mail. Send me a telegraph or something.
...any friend...any member of my family...any Kindred. Just a call.
There is no one out there that can say this faster than I! And I damn well know and understand that my Relations and Kindred have jobs to do, families to take care of, and the things folks just want to do when they're off the clock.
All I ask for is to be acknowledged. Just so that I am not alone.
I have to wait until September to see Sir Dude...way too much time has passed since we last had our face to face. And it's been just about two months since I last say Dr. N. A bit too long between visits of my Better Mental Emotional Health Care Team. And I know this.
My heart races as I type these words. Not from some damned soda pop, tea, or coffee...
...my heart races because I am claustraphobic and like a toy in a cereal box - I am enclosed in this box.
My pony and I had a hectic pace today. Good ole John Wayne and I...
...better days lay ahead. Please.
Human Nature
One of my sisters, randomly threw this question out at me in front of my bride. This brief chat took place two maybe three weeks past. "How many lives have you lived in your life? My immediate reponse was two or three. Which was such a fucking lie. Never did figure out her agenda or from whence this topic came. And really, I have tried to let it go. Is it human nature that I can't seem to shake it off?
Was this Human Nature? Was she really just being sassy curious? I don't know. Was this some form of an attack on the past lives I've lived? I don't know that neither, but she as well as the entire Clan and beyond would know when I said three arbitrarily, I was keeping truths from escaping my lips.
Is it Human Nature that I should let this hurt so deeply? Knowing that she sure damn well knows what type of lives I have lived...
Would it be human nature to feel the tornado of emotions, flashbacks and memories? The smell memories? The touch memories. Memories of lives that included folks, that were at that time in my life Kindred. Folks, that have died of dreadful diseases and folks who moved away. A Brother murdered by Columbians...kindred shot and or stabbed to death...them perpetrators who abused me...
...is it human nature to miss and sometimes cry for the many lives I've had with them known as friends and them known as lover's. The memorie's of my heart. I was so young and so irresponsible and so mad to live the live's I lived...
...those Memories that remain stowed away...memories.
...Oh God, the memories.
Was this Human Nature? Was she really just being sassy curious? I don't know. Was this some form of an attack on the past lives I've lived? I don't know that neither, but she as well as the entire Clan and beyond would know when I said three arbitrarily, I was keeping truths from escaping my lips.
Is it Human Nature that I should let this hurt so deeply? Knowing that she sure damn well knows what type of lives I have lived...
Would it be human nature to feel the tornado of emotions, flashbacks and memories? The smell memories? The touch memories. Memories of lives that included folks, that were at that time in my life Kindred. Folks, that have died of dreadful diseases and folks who moved away. A Brother murdered by Columbians...kindred shot and or stabbed to death...them perpetrators who abused me...
...is it human nature to miss and sometimes cry for the many lives I've had with them known as friends and them known as lover's. The memorie's of my heart. I was so young and so irresponsible and so mad to live the live's I lived...
...those Memories that remain stowed away...memories.
...Oh God, the memories.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Mario's Path, Today, 23 August 2011
My dear Kindred, I was just laying down and trying to read about The Black Hills and our Lakota brothers and sisters. Then like an old needle on a record player/phonograph - I kept getting stuck on a paragraph or sentence or two and had to repeatedly go back to read and reread certain pieces of what was placed on the page. This's one of the pieces of rubbish that surfaces post vertigo attacks.
Speaking of which, today was a better and stronger day for I and I. I did have to take a sleep earlier in the day, but I sure damn do plan on keeping the faith that I'll get a good long run between now and the next attack. I didn't keep track of the sleep with this attack. I regret not doing so. Hell, this sleep has been been all consuming one, indeed. Time to kick it up with my pony John Wayne and I.
...today has made it ten days.
I suspect the beeping in my left ear had alot to do with me sitting here chatting with you at the moment. That and my perspiring in a room with a ceiling fan, a box fan and the air conditioner blowing cool breeze towards my safe place. The beeping thing has once again been pretty much a day long thing. Just in case this is the first time you have read any of Mario's Path, I welcome you and would like to share with you, I am Deaf in my left ear. Although, it is not an uncommon occurrence for me to "hear" stuff in my left ear. Only is it a rare thing for me to be Deaf to all and or any sound, originating from with-in a Deaf ear. My Deaf ear. My Dear.
I sometimes go blue when I think of how much I miss listening to music, nature, laughter and the voices of loved ones with two ears...I think it a piece of the process. My therapist, Sir Dude calls them audio hallucinations. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, calls them an anomaly. I call them shit I hear in my Daef ear. What?
I have been nauseated today with productivity and once in my mouth. Hence, the perspiring. I have been dizzy off and on all day. Earlier, it was so bad I am certain I may have appeared intoxicated or having had a cocktail or two too many. My coodination and balance were tough on the ole fellow today...
...even with six legs - it was a tough one. Oh well, what can I do?
The worms have been very active this evening. One time I knocked on the coconut to see if that would help. I can't tell. The sensations of Earth Worms remain very much alive.
My Right-Good-Bad ear continue's to have day's when my hearing is way-way off. More of it today unfortunately. Earlier today I heard loud Vietnam era helecopters, "whomp-whomp-whomp" over my lodge and in my back yard. No, I did not check to have a look and see. I know. This is not an uncommon sound added to the many that play games with my psyche. Lord, the noises I could share with you all. But I really am not in the place to do so tonight. Some other time, please.
On a positive note I am painless in my neck and on the left side of my skull. Positive my foot! That makes me so happy!
Great Spirit, Thank You.
In the morrow my pony and I will fight the sleep and have what I pray will be very productive days. I feel the need to garden...
Thank You, Great Spirit!
Speaking of which, today was a better and stronger day for I and I. I did have to take a sleep earlier in the day, but I sure damn do plan on keeping the faith that I'll get a good long run between now and the next attack. I didn't keep track of the sleep with this attack. I regret not doing so. Hell, this sleep has been been all consuming one, indeed. Time to kick it up with my pony John Wayne and I.
...today has made it ten days.
I suspect the beeping in my left ear had alot to do with me sitting here chatting with you at the moment. That and my perspiring in a room with a ceiling fan, a box fan and the air conditioner blowing cool breeze towards my safe place. The beeping thing has once again been pretty much a day long thing. Just in case this is the first time you have read any of Mario's Path, I welcome you and would like to share with you, I am Deaf in my left ear. Although, it is not an uncommon occurrence for me to "hear" stuff in my left ear. Only is it a rare thing for me to be Deaf to all and or any sound, originating from with-in a Deaf ear. My Deaf ear. My Dear.
I sometimes go blue when I think of how much I miss listening to music, nature, laughter and the voices of loved ones with two ears...I think it a piece of the process. My therapist, Sir Dude calls them audio hallucinations. He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, calls them an anomaly. I call them shit I hear in my Daef ear. What?
I have been nauseated today with productivity and once in my mouth. Hence, the perspiring. I have been dizzy off and on all day. Earlier, it was so bad I am certain I may have appeared intoxicated or having had a cocktail or two too many. My coodination and balance were tough on the ole fellow today...
...even with six legs - it was a tough one. Oh well, what can I do?
The worms have been very active this evening. One time I knocked on the coconut to see if that would help. I can't tell. The sensations of Earth Worms remain very much alive.
My Right-Good-Bad ear continue's to have day's when my hearing is way-way off. More of it today unfortunately. Earlier today I heard loud Vietnam era helecopters, "whomp-whomp-whomp" over my lodge and in my back yard. No, I did not check to have a look and see. I know. This is not an uncommon sound added to the many that play games with my psyche. Lord, the noises I could share with you all. But I really am not in the place to do so tonight. Some other time, please.
On a positive note I am painless in my neck and on the left side of my skull. Positive my foot! That makes me so happy!
Great Spirit, Thank You.
In the morrow my pony and I will fight the sleep and have what I pray will be very productive days. I feel the need to garden...
Thank You, Great Spirit!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Meniere's and The Folds Of My Brain
Tucked away somewhere in the folds of these brains, which are neatly tucked away in this splendid skull of mine are the words I wish to share this evening. I pardon myself now if I may jump in and out of topics...
...it's not to often I do, I don't think so. I enjoy writing as I let my mind go and let these ten thumbs tip-tap. Tip-tap-tip, ect., with the whatever comes up.
I do with these keys what I've done on paper all my life. There's this empowering and different touch to this being placed onto a computer and not on paper. You see? What is writen in my journals remain in my journals. Boxed up and for the most part in chronological order in my closet, in the garage, in the bed side table. Folk, will read these a way's after I have crossed I suspect. I enjoy in thinking amusingly.
What is writen - is what is writen.
Since Saturday I have been on an incredable roller coaster ride. I slept most of Saturday, until 1730, missing a Ray's game because of bad weather and bad meniere's. Sunday was a sweet family day at home - fought a good fight to stay awake. Today, Monday, 22 August 2011, was slept away for the most part, although my youngest wanted to shop at the mall and I accompanied her. Shit! Felt like I walked 5.5 country miles! Sweated like I did also. Mr. Can-you-walk-a-straight-line here, was bumping into walls, counters Dress Dummys, clothes racks, etc.
Hell, it's 2330 and at this moment and I still am sweating. I am nauseated with some vomit earlier. I am dizzy and have been so for the whole day. Have taken medications as directed.
The Worms are crucial today with much activity. Some with sudden pains every once and again, but mostly just moving about.
My left ear has been picking up steady beeps. Sudden, long, high pitched beeps. I wanted to ask Sam if she could hear one earlier today. That damned beep was that damned long! No I didn't ask. I wanted to.
My good-bad-right ear has had bad days since Saturday. Hearing quality has been very poor. Today, for example, while walking about the mall, on two occasions folks tried to speak with me and I didn't hear either until my daughter pointed them out...
...a different shade of red.
I dread this post vertigo attack stuff!
He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, is the only person on the face of Earth Mother to touch my brain. I am an organ donor, and the University Of Miami will recieve what it is that takes up space between my ears. It wouldn't matter to me how many times it's touched once I cross over. I have requested certain tests be run as part of our agreement. Bless his heart, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, let me know very clearly and early on I have the thickest skull he has ever worked with.
No really, bless his heart because my hearing memories remembered two saws. Not one.
When I grow up dead and my brains go to The UM, they could use as many saws as they wish. Probably won't have any hearing memories neither.
...it's not to often I do, I don't think so. I enjoy writing as I let my mind go and let these ten thumbs tip-tap. Tip-tap-tip, ect., with the whatever comes up.
I do with these keys what I've done on paper all my life. There's this empowering and different touch to this being placed onto a computer and not on paper. You see? What is writen in my journals remain in my journals. Boxed up and for the most part in chronological order in my closet, in the garage, in the bed side table. Folk, will read these a way's after I have crossed I suspect. I enjoy in thinking amusingly.
What is writen - is what is writen.
Since Saturday I have been on an incredable roller coaster ride. I slept most of Saturday, until 1730, missing a Ray's game because of bad weather and bad meniere's. Sunday was a sweet family day at home - fought a good fight to stay awake. Today, Monday, 22 August 2011, was slept away for the most part, although my youngest wanted to shop at the mall and I accompanied her. Shit! Felt like I walked 5.5 country miles! Sweated like I did also. Mr. Can-you-walk-a-straight-line here, was bumping into walls, counters Dress Dummys, clothes racks, etc.
Hell, it's 2330 and at this moment and I still am sweating. I am nauseated with some vomit earlier. I am dizzy and have been so for the whole day. Have taken medications as directed.
The Worms are crucial today with much activity. Some with sudden pains every once and again, but mostly just moving about.
My left ear has been picking up steady beeps. Sudden, long, high pitched beeps. I wanted to ask Sam if she could hear one earlier today. That damned beep was that damned long! No I didn't ask. I wanted to.
My good-bad-right ear has had bad days since Saturday. Hearing quality has been very poor. Today, for example, while walking about the mall, on two occasions folks tried to speak with me and I didn't hear either until my daughter pointed them out...
...a different shade of red.
I dread this post vertigo attack stuff!
He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, is the only person on the face of Earth Mother to touch my brain. I am an organ donor, and the University Of Miami will recieve what it is that takes up space between my ears. It wouldn't matter to me how many times it's touched once I cross over. I have requested certain tests be run as part of our agreement. Bless his heart, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, let me know very clearly and early on I have the thickest skull he has ever worked with.
No really, bless his heart because my hearing memories remembered two saws. Not one.
When I grow up dead and my brains go to The UM, they could use as many saws as they wish. Probably won't have any hearing memories neither.
Friday, August 19, 2011
1st Year Anniversary!!
Just realized after checking the start of my blog, Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path, I am able to acknowledge in a Spiritual Way, the first year anniversary of my sharing true reflections of this disease and a sometimes rather naked and honest assessment of my day-to-day. Me, myself, I...
...My Path would be different without this opportunity to tap-tap a little bit and connect with Relations.
Yes, I would still have the meniere's and the attacks and the loss of hearing and yes, I would've continued to journal in my journals. I would continue to have the cancers removed from my skin and would have jotted it down going lefty. As I have for soon to be three decades...
....now, there is this format for me to journal and share my day-to-day with Kindred. Them who I consider Like Minded. In one year I have been visited nearly 4,500 times. I am Blessed and amazed.
This touches my Spirit's deeper than I might express at the moment.
I find myself wanting to say, as simply as I am a simple one, thank you all. To you all around Earth Mother, thank you.
Happy 1st Anniversary!!
I consider, am I worthy?
p.s. I still journal Lefty:) Yes, I do both. Peace...
...My Path would be different without this opportunity to tap-tap a little bit and connect with Relations.
Yes, I would still have the meniere's and the attacks and the loss of hearing and yes, I would've continued to journal in my journals. I would continue to have the cancers removed from my skin and would have jotted it down going lefty. As I have for soon to be three decades...
....now, there is this format for me to journal and share my day-to-day with Kindred. Them who I consider Like Minded. In one year I have been visited nearly 4,500 times. I am Blessed and amazed.
This touches my Spirit's deeper than I might express at the moment.
I find myself wanting to say, as simply as I am a simple one, thank you all. To you all around Earth Mother, thank you.
Happy 1st Anniversary!!
I consider, am I worthy?
p.s. I still journal Lefty:) Yes, I do both. Peace...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
K-Lo! Exercise & The Brightness of The Night
It is just past mid-night. I have been able to remain awake through-out today and am very pleased with this. I plan on same plan of action for the morrow.
In an earlier post I meant to "Holla" at K-Lo, my former physical therapist. Sir, I report to you the handsome results I have had and made since doing most of the exercises you taught me. I have been confined to bed and or my quarters since this past Sunday. It is amazing to report this process is becoming a piece of my Path, my day-to-day. It's the exercise piece! I realize and understand the importance of balancing good health with proper food intake and exercise so much that I keep an eight pounder next to my bed just to manipulate muscles in the spur of the moment. I will eventually take the next step up in the "weight" piece. My Kettle Bar is a ten pounder. Next step is to bring it up a few pounds or some. The results I am having right now are fantastic! I have slept most of my life away the past few days and my muscles had gone a little lame. But once I started to get this back in motion, the lifting of Kettle Bar, brought those awesome veins to my arms and bi-ceps. Best of all - I'm seeing those baby muscles in both arms maturing and gaining some structure...
...there's more poundage I wish to part with, oh, and I will. I just love this phase where I'm losing substance and weight too. For a spell there, I was losing the substance but no poundage. Sure am currently. Soon I will require a different sized shirt to wear and slacks. My 501's fit me like they always have - especially right now, like a pair of gloves honey. And I love the way it carries my bumm and lower extremities. I roll like that. Just in time for Fall and Winter too. Mighty nice...
...Right hand up, I also do this for my wife, my children, and all Relations. I know it has been ugly stuff seeing me go through the surgeries, procedures, injections, vertigo attacks and the post vertigo attack shit that dwells here with us in our lodge. The Meniere's Disease.
I am doing this for all of me too!
The Meniere's Disease is a part of me and a piece of who I am. I have a sweet and keen warmth in my core because I am growing along side and with this uninvited invisable torture. I pray that someday, we will slay this hideous disease...
...my "Better Health Care Team"! All of the Medical Kindred who have fought for me and with me during the past few years. Deserve so much love and thanks! From my Heart, thank you, one and all. What a Team! What a Team!
Think it'll soon be time to get back on good ole John Wayne. To much time has passed since I asked to have my pony along. Um, my imaginary horse ya'll! But he's my pony!
The Moon is 3/4 full tonight. It is warm out of doors and the sky has clouds passing over head in various colours, forms and sizes. The Moon lights up my yard and surroundings as if Great Spirit points his lantern in my direction.
We are on this side of half way through the month of August. Soon the cooler weather from up North will head our way. Our windows will be opened again and Mother Earth will be cool...
...as I and all of my alter's...
peace, Mario
In an earlier post I meant to "Holla" at K-Lo, my former physical therapist. Sir, I report to you the handsome results I have had and made since doing most of the exercises you taught me. I have been confined to bed and or my quarters since this past Sunday. It is amazing to report this process is becoming a piece of my Path, my day-to-day. It's the exercise piece! I realize and understand the importance of balancing good health with proper food intake and exercise so much that I keep an eight pounder next to my bed just to manipulate muscles in the spur of the moment. I will eventually take the next step up in the "weight" piece. My Kettle Bar is a ten pounder. Next step is to bring it up a few pounds or some. The results I am having right now are fantastic! I have slept most of my life away the past few days and my muscles had gone a little lame. But once I started to get this back in motion, the lifting of Kettle Bar, brought those awesome veins to my arms and bi-ceps. Best of all - I'm seeing those baby muscles in both arms maturing and gaining some structure...
...there's more poundage I wish to part with, oh, and I will. I just love this phase where I'm losing substance and weight too. For a spell there, I was losing the substance but no poundage. Sure am currently. Soon I will require a different sized shirt to wear and slacks. My 501's fit me like they always have - especially right now, like a pair of gloves honey. And I love the way it carries my bumm and lower extremities. I roll like that. Just in time for Fall and Winter too. Mighty nice...
...Right hand up, I also do this for my wife, my children, and all Relations. I know it has been ugly stuff seeing me go through the surgeries, procedures, injections, vertigo attacks and the post vertigo attack shit that dwells here with us in our lodge. The Meniere's Disease.
I am doing this for all of me too!
The Meniere's Disease is a part of me and a piece of who I am. I have a sweet and keen warmth in my core because I am growing along side and with this uninvited invisable torture. I pray that someday, we will slay this hideous disease...
...my "Better Health Care Team"! All of the Medical Kindred who have fought for me and with me during the past few years. Deserve so much love and thanks! From my Heart, thank you, one and all. What a Team! What a Team!
Think it'll soon be time to get back on good ole John Wayne. To much time has passed since I asked to have my pony along. Um, my imaginary horse ya'll! But he's my pony!
The Moon is 3/4 full tonight. It is warm out of doors and the sky has clouds passing over head in various colours, forms and sizes. The Moon lights up my yard and surroundings as if Great Spirit points his lantern in my direction.
We are on this side of half way through the month of August. Soon the cooler weather from up North will head our way. Our windows will be opened again and Mother Earth will be cool...
...as I and all of my alter's...
peace, Mario
The Business of Being Home Alone
I feel as if I'm in the zone. Home alone. Have a Game Day face on and doing my best to keep self ahead by one step. My purpose today is to not let myself go to sleep. I slept a bit earlier, shortly after waking. I just don't want to sleep anymore! Not during the day anyways. By the time I went to bed last evening I was so exhausted I fell almost immediately to Dream World. If I face same today, so be it. There are things I might can do to assist in the business of being home alone...
...have fed the Winged Cousins and ensured nice clean water in the bath. Have also fed my Little Turtle Chester. My daughter named this tiny little gift from the One God. Woke up a couple three weeks ago and found him sitting on the tubing in the cement pond. I was so happy and jolly I could hardly contain myself. In the five plus years we have lived here this is the second time a baby turtle found his/her way to my cement pond. The very next day a snake visited. I waited for my Honorable Daughter to get home to aid in the removal of this rather young serpent. This one that had me all weireded out. Yes? Oh so really! What?
My eldest daughter's dog snores like a grown ass man! He just scared me so bad I almost twisted my entire neck around to see who the hell this voice was coming from! I may have dribbled in my blue checkered shorts. I'm not knowing this. What I do know is I had a terror in the middle of the broad day light. Will somebody please "hep me"?
The lodge is silent for now. The hounds are napping. Told you about the one in here. I could bet money that Chi-Chi, my Gay Beagle is asleep on the sofa and Ting Ting is asleep in the Dog Cave. It's the space between the carpeted floor and my bed. Cutest damned thing you've ever seen. When she was tiny she would lounge under the love seat. They're my body gaurds without a doubt. They assist me with "door watch" too. I very often fail to hear a knock or the ring of the door bell. The hounds go into total alert in a micro-second. From snoring and sound asleep - to total madness and chaos should I not check to see. Most of the time no one is there, but I get up or stop whatever I may be doing to insure nobody's there anyway's. I know the hounds appreciate my follow up. I aways do. Oh yes, Hershey aka Brown Sugar, shit's like a grown ass man too. Bloody Bastard!
As I was walking in the garage after placing recycles in the bin's I slammed my left hand into the hand truck parked out there. Lessons Learned; Turn the garage light on. Walk with a purpose. Slow it down a wee bit. Be aware of my enviroment.
Igziabeher, Let Jah Be Praised!
Had to give up this ole box of plastic and wire for a few. My youngest one got in from work a bit ago and wanted to check her odds-n-ends. Soooo,
like a good pappy, I removed myself from where I was. Which isn't a bad thing ya'll, it was a wee bit like disengage for breif spell. Cool.
I'll share briefly some Meniere's related what-what's that are here with me at this moment...
...the Worms are still here and cutting up a mess.
The nausea is engaged. As are the dizziness and perspiration/misting's. Um, no, I am sweating under these arm pits honey. No jokes about this issue. I gag and nothing comes up. I try not to gag and I'll bring something up in my mouth or in the commode. The balance thing is off just this way to the right.
I still enjoy listening to "Peaceful Easy Feeling", by The Eagles. Something about this tune reminds me so much of my adolscents. Like a track on my Sound Track called, Mario's Path.
My reading pleasure has been focused on two books strictly. I suspect I place undo sress on myself when I try to squeeze in four or five books at a time. And well, I just don't need that extra stress in my day-to-day. Can you fell it? The "Lakotas And The Black Hills, The Struggle For Sacred Ground", has been a truehearted work at distinguishing between morbid severe harm and lies placed into motion against a People's who just wanted to keep their land and be left alone. White people weren't having it. This book has fallen under one of my rules of rationing chapters. I want to take my time with this one. The other book is the Webster's Basic Thesaurus and yes, this one get's rationed too. I don't know why.
How 'bout, Lyin' Eye's?
LOOK, is it just me or did it take the FBI a mighty long time to get involved with the case in Mississippi. Making a determination. The incident that took place in fuckin' June, where a white teenager drove over a black man. Oh, so now the FBI, wants a Hate Crime! Shit you all! This took place damn near two months ago. I remember reading in the press about this when it happened. About a truck full of white boys looking around Mississippi for some black people to "mess with". In my eye orbs, it reads the same at it has the several times I've read this Associated Press report...
...NOW, read and see this through my eye orbs...if this had been a truck of Mexicans, Native Americans, Afican Americans, Arabians, friends...
...um, this would have been over and done with weeks ago! 2011? Give me a bleeding break! Wait..............................................yes, it's still true.
Before I close this post for a spell - let me also share that the Stupied Ass Fool, who planned on blowing up two administrators and as many fellow students as possible - is going to make someone a fluffy Lil' Bunny in prison. Anyone! Who took the time to draw out a manifesto is an adult. His parents were no shows at his first court appearance. Orange don't fall far from the orange tree...
Let me stop.
God Bless my Relations Holy One. God Bless all of our brothers and sisters in the Armed forces. God Bless them unemployed. God Bless those who are homeless. God Bless the young Gay brothers and sisters trying so hard to come OUT!
'nuff.
...have fed the Winged Cousins and ensured nice clean water in the bath. Have also fed my Little Turtle Chester. My daughter named this tiny little gift from the One God. Woke up a couple three weeks ago and found him sitting on the tubing in the cement pond. I was so happy and jolly I could hardly contain myself. In the five plus years we have lived here this is the second time a baby turtle found his/her way to my cement pond. The very next day a snake visited. I waited for my Honorable Daughter to get home to aid in the removal of this rather young serpent. This one that had me all weireded out. Yes? Oh so really! What?
My eldest daughter's dog snores like a grown ass man! He just scared me so bad I almost twisted my entire neck around to see who the hell this voice was coming from! I may have dribbled in my blue checkered shorts. I'm not knowing this. What I do know is I had a terror in the middle of the broad day light. Will somebody please "hep me"?
The lodge is silent for now. The hounds are napping. Told you about the one in here. I could bet money that Chi-Chi, my Gay Beagle is asleep on the sofa and Ting Ting is asleep in the Dog Cave. It's the space between the carpeted floor and my bed. Cutest damned thing you've ever seen. When she was tiny she would lounge under the love seat. They're my body gaurds without a doubt. They assist me with "door watch" too. I very often fail to hear a knock or the ring of the door bell. The hounds go into total alert in a micro-second. From snoring and sound asleep - to total madness and chaos should I not check to see. Most of the time no one is there, but I get up or stop whatever I may be doing to insure nobody's there anyway's. I know the hounds appreciate my follow up. I aways do. Oh yes, Hershey aka Brown Sugar, shit's like a grown ass man too. Bloody Bastard!
As I was walking in the garage after placing recycles in the bin's I slammed my left hand into the hand truck parked out there. Lessons Learned; Turn the garage light on. Walk with a purpose. Slow it down a wee bit. Be aware of my enviroment.
Igziabeher, Let Jah Be Praised!
Had to give up this ole box of plastic and wire for a few. My youngest one got in from work a bit ago and wanted to check her odds-n-ends. Soooo,
like a good pappy, I removed myself from where I was. Which isn't a bad thing ya'll, it was a wee bit like disengage for breif spell. Cool.
I'll share briefly some Meniere's related what-what's that are here with me at this moment...
...the Worms are still here and cutting up a mess.
The nausea is engaged. As are the dizziness and perspiration/misting's. Um, no, I am sweating under these arm pits honey. No jokes about this issue. I gag and nothing comes up. I try not to gag and I'll bring something up in my mouth or in the commode. The balance thing is off just this way to the right.
I still enjoy listening to "Peaceful Easy Feeling", by The Eagles. Something about this tune reminds me so much of my adolscents. Like a track on my Sound Track called, Mario's Path.
My reading pleasure has been focused on two books strictly. I suspect I place undo sress on myself when I try to squeeze in four or five books at a time. And well, I just don't need that extra stress in my day-to-day. Can you fell it? The "Lakotas And The Black Hills, The Struggle For Sacred Ground", has been a truehearted work at distinguishing between morbid severe harm and lies placed into motion against a People's who just wanted to keep their land and be left alone. White people weren't having it. This book has fallen under one of my rules of rationing chapters. I want to take my time with this one. The other book is the Webster's Basic Thesaurus and yes, this one get's rationed too. I don't know why.
How 'bout, Lyin' Eye's?
LOOK, is it just me or did it take the FBI a mighty long time to get involved with the case in Mississippi. Making a determination. The incident that took place in fuckin' June, where a white teenager drove over a black man. Oh, so now the FBI, wants a Hate Crime! Shit you all! This took place damn near two months ago. I remember reading in the press about this when it happened. About a truck full of white boys looking around Mississippi for some black people to "mess with". In my eye orbs, it reads the same at it has the several times I've read this Associated Press report...
...NOW, read and see this through my eye orbs...if this had been a truck of Mexicans, Native Americans, Afican Americans, Arabians, friends...
...um, this would have been over and done with weeks ago! 2011? Give me a bleeding break! Wait..............................................yes, it's still true.
Before I close this post for a spell - let me also share that the Stupied Ass Fool, who planned on blowing up two administrators and as many fellow students as possible - is going to make someone a fluffy Lil' Bunny in prison. Anyone! Who took the time to draw out a manifesto is an adult. His parents were no shows at his first court appearance. Orange don't fall far from the orange tree...
Let me stop.
God Bless my Relations Holy One. God Bless all of our brothers and sisters in the Armed forces. God Bless them unemployed. God Bless those who are homeless. God Bless the young Gay brothers and sisters trying so hard to come OUT!
'nuff.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Post Vertigo Attack Symptoms and I
When I woke up this morning at approxitmately 1100, I promised myself I would not go back to slumber. Thus far I have done right by my word, but damned if I know I should probably sleep for a while. Spoke with Spice Diva E., over at He-Who-Touched-My-Brain's Clinic. Passed on the FYI and the oddity of how my right ear went into a deep dull state for a couple of day's and went Hard of Hearing in the worst way. I'm thinking now I see...
...no! I'm thinking this is where I am headed...what can I say? Or do? IDK.
These post-vertigo attack symptoms, besides the sleep have been dreadfully horrendous. As I tap-tap these words, nausea is at my throat. The keyboard is not helping. I am perspiring and dizzy. The dizziness that has me double and triple checking my words. What have I said? Or not said. I'm letting you know right at this moment I fight to stay awake. I want to sleep, Naw Boo, think I'll stay right here and chat a spell. Holla at my Relations! For those who wish to read these words as I walk this Path of mine. Join in. My life in words, expressions and the what-not's.
Life...
Been meaning to let all know the Worms are doing well and still remain active. I recall some really weird stuff going on last night. I felt them as I went to turn over and waited them out. This is the most incredibly unpleasant and vile sensation I experiance on a daily/nightly basis. LOOK: Really, if this was happening to some Folk I know, all hell would be breaking out "daily", in all sorts of ways...
...for me, I sit or lay here and let the sensations do what they must. I swear, I just hope the Worms go away someday. There have been times when I've wanted to take my ax to this side of my head with a good whack! I wonder, would it help? I wish!
Since I woke I have had beeps going on in my left-deaf-ear. I don't have a translator so I don't know what the message is about. I know the information these beeps have originated from a former Soviet Submarine that has been underwater since the Cold War. Fucking beep-beep-beeps! Every once in a while there will be a loud higher pitched beep - as a search beacon.
My right-good-bad-ear has been listening to giant cicadas this afternoon. I did check out side. How I so wish...
...um, no not really. I am horrified of those bleeding things! And to see them the size this noise indicates is the death of me yet.
The balance system is acting a fool and putting me through too many changes, Honey. Thank God, for this four-legged cane of mine and my walker-with-native-medicine, I oughta name them because I know these has saved my ass from a fall plenty a time.
Oh yes, my right ear continues to plop. Ploop. Eargasm's? I would love to think so - but shit just don't seem to go that way for me too damned often at all, ya know?
I want to thank my Relations for checking in on me and want to say I so appreciate what my bride and daughters do for the ole fellow! I did type ole, so you don't see no damned "old". Dig? I roll like that. Also want to thank two dear friends who have reconnected with me after the spans of time. Both are Kindred and I am blessed to be reunited with both. In my Spirit's I have always felt a connection with these fellow Warriors...
...and Dad's too! Congratulations Mr. S!! Thanks for your energizing words of respect and motivation! And Mr. P., if only you knew. Oh yes! Dre, from the Great White North called too! Woot Woot!! I am Blessed!
NOTE: This camera for Skype still looks like an eye orb to me. It kind of gives me the creeps...no, it does creep me out.
God Bless the U.S.A! Viva Canada! God Bless Guam and all of her peoples! God Bless He-Who-Touched-My-Brain! God Bless Zimbabwe!
...no! I'm thinking this is where I am headed...what can I say? Or do? IDK.
These post-vertigo attack symptoms, besides the sleep have been dreadfully horrendous. As I tap-tap these words, nausea is at my throat. The keyboard is not helping. I am perspiring and dizzy. The dizziness that has me double and triple checking my words. What have I said? Or not said. I'm letting you know right at this moment I fight to stay awake. I want to sleep, Naw Boo, think I'll stay right here and chat a spell. Holla at my Relations! For those who wish to read these words as I walk this Path of mine. Join in. My life in words, expressions and the what-not's.
Life...
Been meaning to let all know the Worms are doing well and still remain active. I recall some really weird stuff going on last night. I felt them as I went to turn over and waited them out. This is the most incredibly unpleasant and vile sensation I experiance on a daily/nightly basis. LOOK: Really, if this was happening to some Folk I know, all hell would be breaking out "daily", in all sorts of ways...
...for me, I sit or lay here and let the sensations do what they must. I swear, I just hope the Worms go away someday. There have been times when I've wanted to take my ax to this side of my head with a good whack! I wonder, would it help? I wish!
Since I woke I have had beeps going on in my left-deaf-ear. I don't have a translator so I don't know what the message is about. I know the information these beeps have originated from a former Soviet Submarine that has been underwater since the Cold War. Fucking beep-beep-beeps! Every once in a while there will be a loud higher pitched beep - as a search beacon.
My right-good-bad-ear has been listening to giant cicadas this afternoon. I did check out side. How I so wish...
...um, no not really. I am horrified of those bleeding things! And to see them the size this noise indicates is the death of me yet.
The balance system is acting a fool and putting me through too many changes, Honey. Thank God, for this four-legged cane of mine and my walker-with-native-medicine, I oughta name them because I know these has saved my ass from a fall plenty a time.
Oh yes, my right ear continues to plop. Ploop. Eargasm's? I would love to think so - but shit just don't seem to go that way for me too damned often at all, ya know?
I want to thank my Relations for checking in on me and want to say I so appreciate what my bride and daughters do for the ole fellow! I did type ole, so you don't see no damned "old". Dig? I roll like that. Also want to thank two dear friends who have reconnected with me after the spans of time. Both are Kindred and I am blessed to be reunited with both. In my Spirit's I have always felt a connection with these fellow Warriors...
...and Dad's too! Congratulations Mr. S!! Thanks for your energizing words of respect and motivation! And Mr. P., if only you knew. Oh yes! Dre, from the Great White North called too! Woot Woot!! I am Blessed!
NOTE: This camera for Skype still looks like an eye orb to me. It kind of gives me the creeps...no, it does creep me out.
God Bless the U.S.A! Viva Canada! God Bless Guam and all of her peoples! God Bless He-Who-Touched-My-Brain! God Bless Zimbabwe!
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Keep Those Smiles Coming...No, Really!
Have awoke from a many hours long slumber...
...and can't wait for my return indirectly. There has been some negative results from this meniere's vivid visit since Sunday past.
I try not to count or remember hours lost to sleep due to the meniere's.
Nor will I ever adjust to the pain that becomes what it is. My knuckels, my eye orbs, my neck and all organs affected. Imbalance...
...the effect this has on my eye's, my hearing, the sounds of whatever the sounds may be.
For now, I keep this brief. I wish to keep this negativity and darkness enveloped for now...inside both side's of my brain. Between these two fucking non-working ears of mine. I wish to tear them up...
Relations, pardon me for having a bad heart today. I really do try to keep those smiles coming. I do, really.
...and can't wait for my return indirectly. There has been some negative results from this meniere's vivid visit since Sunday past.
I try not to count or remember hours lost to sleep due to the meniere's.
Nor will I ever adjust to the pain that becomes what it is. My knuckels, my eye orbs, my neck and all organs affected. Imbalance...
...the effect this has on my eye's, my hearing, the sounds of whatever the sounds may be.
For now, I keep this brief. I wish to keep this negativity and darkness enveloped for now...inside both side's of my brain. Between these two fucking non-working ears of mine. I wish to tear them up...
Relations, pardon me for having a bad heart today. I really do try to keep those smiles coming. I do, really.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
And The Day Turned To Monday Morning...
The noises have me up again. Am very distracted from reading or resting. Here in one of the safe places in the lodge, The fan is blowing cool air down my neck and back and fighting the misting all over my skull, neck and face. Other than my i-pod, playing "Belle and Sebastian" sing, "Sleep The Clock Around", the noises in both ears are loud enough to make the fan silent over head...
The invasion of the one million crickets continue in my Right-Good-Bad-Ear. The sound tonight is very much one species and the crickets have won the vote and is no way as hectic as last nights, soundtrack to "Lost in The Everglades On A Moonless Night" even though still loud enough to drown out a ceiling fan.
I have not ever asked "why" with this disease named Meniere's. I figured this to be one of the cards My Life dealt me. So, it's mine. The meniere's lives under my skin, in my ear's which are inside my globe. It has become like luggage - I'll bring it along with me where ever I go...
...in my Center, I am aware of what I must do to have a healthier way of life. I know I will not quit pushing. Establishing a body of structure will infact aid me with better protecting myself when I fall. These are all just a matter of time...that's why I walk very much with purpose.
I have not asked "why", because, every day of my life and on this Path I travel, I see all of what I have to be thankful for and also see what we as a peoples have done to Mother Earth. I read the press, I see what's on the television, with my one-good-bad ear I listen.
I am blessed to have been born when I was, a 1959'er...
I have lived a life. I've seen enough of what we as a peoples are capable of doing to one another...and mother to child.....and husband to wife...and the black-on-black that has never stopped...and it's all the same shit world wide isn't it? London. One year before the Summer Games? Oh, really? Famine in Africa. NFL. NBA. Lock-outs, over increased raises of millions of dollars to them-who-catch-a-ball. Out here some don't even get a cost of living increase. Some don't get paid at all because there is no work. We as peoples stand by and watch to see what will happen next in D.C. or Iraq...when will the next mass murders take place...when will our boy's and girl's over there stop bleeding over the politics of those that wanted and planned this to go on and on...is what I would love to really know.
...today would have been a good day to die. As it was a wonderful day to be alive. I love The One God. I love all Relations, them who have passed before me, they here with us now and them I've yet to meet. Love is such a wonder medicine.
The invasion of the one million crickets continue in my Right-Good-Bad-Ear. The sound tonight is very much one species and the crickets have won the vote and is no way as hectic as last nights, soundtrack to "Lost in The Everglades On A Moonless Night" even though still loud enough to drown out a ceiling fan.
I have not ever asked "why" with this disease named Meniere's. I figured this to be one of the cards My Life dealt me. So, it's mine. The meniere's lives under my skin, in my ear's which are inside my globe. It has become like luggage - I'll bring it along with me where ever I go...
...in my Center, I am aware of what I must do to have a healthier way of life. I know I will not quit pushing. Establishing a body of structure will infact aid me with better protecting myself when I fall. These are all just a matter of time...that's why I walk very much with purpose.
I have not asked "why", because, every day of my life and on this Path I travel, I see all of what I have to be thankful for and also see what we as a peoples have done to Mother Earth. I read the press, I see what's on the television, with my one-good-bad ear I listen.
I am blessed to have been born when I was, a 1959'er...
I have lived a life. I've seen enough of what we as a peoples are capable of doing to one another...and mother to child.....and husband to wife...and the black-on-black that has never stopped...and it's all the same shit world wide isn't it? London. One year before the Summer Games? Oh, really? Famine in Africa. NFL. NBA. Lock-outs, over increased raises of millions of dollars to them-who-catch-a-ball. Out here some don't even get a cost of living increase. Some don't get paid at all because there is no work. We as peoples stand by and watch to see what will happen next in D.C. or Iraq...when will the next mass murders take place...when will our boy's and girl's over there stop bleeding over the politics of those that wanted and planned this to go on and on...is what I would love to really know.
...today would have been a good day to die. As it was a wonderful day to be alive. I love The One God. I love all Relations, them who have passed before me, they here with us now and them I've yet to meet. Love is such a wonder medicine.
Meniere's On A Sunday, 14 .8.11
The streak of strong days was busted at three consecutive. Today, I slept until just past 1100. The last I saw the clock prior to waking this morning was 0430. The noises in my ears were that demanding and troublesome...
...today the noises continued once I was up and about. The nausea was bad and productive. Have vomitted twice in my mouth the past 24 hours. I have been exhausted beyond explanation. Last night was trance like because I would listen to the noises in my ears and time the amount of seconds between beeps in my left ear...
...try to count how many different species live in my minds Everglades. The frogs, crickets, gators, birds and the all of what lives here...
I don't know how long these noises lasted. I know simply for hours I tried to sleep. Reading didn't work because of the scatter brain when I am dizzy, nausea and sweating like a horse gone bareback. Sweated so much and so bad I kept a cloth with me to dry my arms, face and scalp.
We took my youngest daughter, Honorable Daughter #2, to Carraba's. We will do a motion picture show sometime soon. My mind and body debated on these issues. It was a draw. My daughter was cool with the decision. We stopped by Wally World on the way home and picked up a couple of DVD's for her viewing pleasure and collection. It was at Wally World I knew I had to get home straight away. I was sweating and had one of my vomit's there.
My left ear continues to pick up a very clear as crystal beeps... beep...beep.....beep.....beep....beep....beep...every few seconds beepity-beep-bitchin'-beep. It's inhumane. It's slow torture...every few seconds the beep, then a moment of silence and then another incoming beep. I promise you this.
My right ear has had another poor performance day. I hope and pray this is but a tempoary dulling of the hearing. Hope to soon get it back to at least what was normal to me. The noises of the Everglades live here in this ear, you hear? Right.
I shall soon be off to bed. I wish all a peaceful day and or evening.
Sheena, Happy Birthday Daighter! I love you so very much!
Nicole, I miss you so my dahlin' daughter.
Brenda, I love you for eternity!
I miss you Ole Kindred Spirit! I miss you Medicine Woman! Our guests here yesterday, thank you for the wonderful memories...
God Bless Canada! Viva Cuba!
Until the next time cross Paths...
...today the noises continued once I was up and about. The nausea was bad and productive. Have vomitted twice in my mouth the past 24 hours. I have been exhausted beyond explanation. Last night was trance like because I would listen to the noises in my ears and time the amount of seconds between beeps in my left ear...
...try to count how many different species live in my minds Everglades. The frogs, crickets, gators, birds and the all of what lives here...
I don't know how long these noises lasted. I know simply for hours I tried to sleep. Reading didn't work because of the scatter brain when I am dizzy, nausea and sweating like a horse gone bareback. Sweated so much and so bad I kept a cloth with me to dry my arms, face and scalp.
We took my youngest daughter, Honorable Daughter #2, to Carraba's. We will do a motion picture show sometime soon. My mind and body debated on these issues. It was a draw. My daughter was cool with the decision. We stopped by Wally World on the way home and picked up a couple of DVD's for her viewing pleasure and collection. It was at Wally World I knew I had to get home straight away. I was sweating and had one of my vomit's there.
My left ear continues to pick up a very clear as crystal beeps... beep...beep.....beep.....beep....beep....beep...every few seconds beepity-beep-bitchin'-beep. It's inhumane. It's slow torture...every few seconds the beep, then a moment of silence and then another incoming beep. I promise you this.
My right ear has had another poor performance day. I hope and pray this is but a tempoary dulling of the hearing. Hope to soon get it back to at least what was normal to me. The noises of the Everglades live here in this ear, you hear? Right.
I shall soon be off to bed. I wish all a peaceful day and or evening.
Sheena, Happy Birthday Daighter! I love you so very much!
Nicole, I miss you so my dahlin' daughter.
Brenda, I love you for eternity!
I miss you Ole Kindred Spirit! I miss you Medicine Woman! Our guests here yesterday, thank you for the wonderful memories...
God Bless Canada! Viva Cuba!
Until the next time cross Paths...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Meniere's Disease, Relations, Synchronicty, Love
Today was Day Three of consecutive days where I felt structurally stronger. It is a positive energy and we all were in the position to share the energies with Like Minded Folk, Relations. Which for me is the medicine that brings me much joy in it's truest abundance. Incredible and fascinating coversation, synchronistic energy manifestations that became so much of an occurence - happenstance would minimize what we experianced today, 13 August 2011.
It is really what I consider to be late in the night. It's even the wee hours already. 0200 and I am unable to sleep due to the noises going on in both of my ears. Over-all the entire day was a bad hearing day but I was able to enjoy and spend time with family and very dear friends. Like them that bleed my blood, I love these brilliant fellow Earth Spirit's the same...
...Relations.
I feel it in my pulse and heart when they arrive and sadly feel blue when they leave our sanctuary. We so enjoyed their company very very much. It is not too often we have had the opportunity to have a gathering such as this one. Our plan was simple. It was to be a gathering, rain or shine. We actually had a storm come through late morning and early afternoon. Along with an incredable electric light show. The rain did not even affect our plans for the cement pond. After an early meal the young ones, we were ready for the pond for sure. So then it was on. It was so fun and joyful watching the children play with their Dad. One of my Life Friends...Relations.
My right ear has had a very bad day today and quite depressing when I realized I was unable to hear the pool pump running under water. I don't know. Am not sure if maybe there was some realization then or really just the whole freaking concept...today, I was completely deaf under water. For as long as I could hold my breath and remain under water - there was total silence.
I heard yet another voice or energy call my name today. Clear and a voice I could vivdly hear. As it was aloud and over my right shoulder. I was not afraid or troubled by this. I went along my way. Well, I guess I did have some sort of knee jerk reaction...what?
The worm sensations on the left side of my skull have been active off and on today. Damnedest thing in the world to feel as if your skull is housing Earth Worms. Please accept this as the way it is...
...I am learning anyway's.
My coordination and balance was off to the bad all day. Too many bumping's and too many near falls. A goofy dude day. What can I say?
I am nauseated at the moment, a bit dizzy and very uncomfortable. Perspiring in a a room with ceiling fan and air condition. Don't ask.
Please pardon me as I retire for the night.
All Relations, near and far, I love you. God Bless Africa!
It is really what I consider to be late in the night. It's even the wee hours already. 0200 and I am unable to sleep due to the noises going on in both of my ears. Over-all the entire day was a bad hearing day but I was able to enjoy and spend time with family and very dear friends. Like them that bleed my blood, I love these brilliant fellow Earth Spirit's the same...
...Relations.
I feel it in my pulse and heart when they arrive and sadly feel blue when they leave our sanctuary. We so enjoyed their company very very much. It is not too often we have had the opportunity to have a gathering such as this one. Our plan was simple. It was to be a gathering, rain or shine. We actually had a storm come through late morning and early afternoon. Along with an incredable electric light show. The rain did not even affect our plans for the cement pond. After an early meal the young ones, we were ready for the pond for sure. So then it was on. It was so fun and joyful watching the children play with their Dad. One of my Life Friends...Relations.
My right ear has had a very bad day today and quite depressing when I realized I was unable to hear the pool pump running under water. I don't know. Am not sure if maybe there was some realization then or really just the whole freaking concept...today, I was completely deaf under water. For as long as I could hold my breath and remain under water - there was total silence.
I heard yet another voice or energy call my name today. Clear and a voice I could vivdly hear. As it was aloud and over my right shoulder. I was not afraid or troubled by this. I went along my way. Well, I guess I did have some sort of knee jerk reaction...what?
The worm sensations on the left side of my skull have been active off and on today. Damnedest thing in the world to feel as if your skull is housing Earth Worms. Please accept this as the way it is...
...I am learning anyway's.
My coordination and balance was off to the bad all day. Too many bumping's and too many near falls. A goofy dude day. What can I say?
I am nauseated at the moment, a bit dizzy and very uncomfortable. Perspiring in a a room with ceiling fan and air condition. Don't ask.
Please pardon me as I retire for the night.
All Relations, near and far, I love you. God Bless Africa!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Meniere's Rubbish, 11 August 2011
I am riding an easy dizzy and nausea pony at this very moment! I do have a cool perspiration about me...misting? I am so pleased to share something positive about this meniere's house of fright and fear that I just had to mention at the this damned minute, I'm easy.
This is one of those diseases that are under the skin, or in my ears, or in my skull. A cousin made a mention of an invisable disease earlier today. Thanks cousin Cowgirl! I needed to read those words and listen to them with my ear hole to the brain. Maybe this meniere's rubbish is cloaked? Because, when the shit hit's the fan after a Meniere's attack - there is a strange bit for the eye's to see. Especially the eye's of others. Who don't know why I may be an unusual sort, bumping and banging into furniture that seems to jump right out at me. Not really, but damn, may I get one day without a bump or scrape or bruise. Oh, and the falling piece. This is a daily concern which becomes a daily stress. A daily factor in what I do or can't do. I hate the sudden fall-for-no-damn-good-reason falls. Just opps, the ole dude has fallen again! How is it that I now trip on my own two 12.5's, or tripped by a peeble or fall over absolutely nothing. Nothingness.
Earlier today, the nausea was ugly high. As it was last evening when I had productive nausea. Earlier this morning I was dizzy and perspiring for a good few hours.
My right ear just made a loud "pop"! Which really did startle me. I have the musical group "We Are Augustines", playing at a good volume to assist the right ear hear something other than the Everglades. This is one of those groups I wish I could have heard with both ears. Loudly!! These band mates are seriously good and make excellent music.
My Left Deaf ear is listening to the ocean as if listening through a Conch Shell or as one would while laying at the beach...waves, water, wind et al.
This has been the case off and on all day yesterday and today.
The worms in my skull are at play.
I am compelled to believe there is something more to my life than this. NOTE: Just heard a whoshing sound in my Left Deaf ear. There has to be something more I can do! There has to be something that we as my "Better Health Care Team" can do! I mean, really, damn it?
This is one of those diseases that are under the skin, or in my ears, or in my skull. A cousin made a mention of an invisable disease earlier today. Thanks cousin Cowgirl! I needed to read those words and listen to them with my ear hole to the brain. Maybe this meniere's rubbish is cloaked? Because, when the shit hit's the fan after a Meniere's attack - there is a strange bit for the eye's to see. Especially the eye's of others. Who don't know why I may be an unusual sort, bumping and banging into furniture that seems to jump right out at me. Not really, but damn, may I get one day without a bump or scrape or bruise. Oh, and the falling piece. This is a daily concern which becomes a daily stress. A daily factor in what I do or can't do. I hate the sudden fall-for-no-damn-good-reason falls. Just opps, the ole dude has fallen again! How is it that I now trip on my own two 12.5's, or tripped by a peeble or fall over absolutely nothing. Nothingness.
Earlier today, the nausea was ugly high. As it was last evening when I had productive nausea. Earlier this morning I was dizzy and perspiring for a good few hours.
My right ear just made a loud "pop"! Which really did startle me. I have the musical group "We Are Augustines", playing at a good volume to assist the right ear hear something other than the Everglades. This is one of those groups I wish I could have heard with both ears. Loudly!! These band mates are seriously good and make excellent music.
My Left Deaf ear is listening to the ocean as if listening through a Conch Shell or as one would while laying at the beach...waves, water, wind et al.
This has been the case off and on all day yesterday and today.
The worms in my skull are at play.
I am compelled to believe there is something more to my life than this. NOTE: Just heard a whoshing sound in my Left Deaf ear. There has to be something more I can do! There has to be something that we as my "Better Health Care Team" can do! I mean, really, damn it?
Meniere's, Metaphysically, Mystically or Me? Mad?
As I sit here in a cool and comfortable safe place, my House of Seven Windows, with Crystals at each window. With my Great Spirit's Love and Protection about the entire Lodge and Sanctuary, I contemplate and meditate on what I observed and what I heard just an hour or so ago...
...I was thinking I would not share this but then, why wouldn't I?
At approximately 1300, I saw one bright orb enter my home from my front door. Through the window of our storm door actually. The guest was rather larger than a basketball and very white. He came to visit me and left just as quickly as He entered. As if on a casual stroll via orb transport.
At approximately 1310, while in the shower, I heard someone knock on the Bath door. I did not respond nor engage the knock in any way. I was not in fear or afraid...
...seconds later I felt a guilt deep in my Spirit's...
...and wondered "What if that was Jesus Christ at the door"? You see, I did not welcome my guest into my room. Did I turn away my Savior?
At approxitmately 1315. I heard clearly as a deep blue clear sky - the voice of an adolescent boy say loudly, "hello?"..."hello?"...
...a haunting and lost "hello?". It is my heart that speaks to me on this paranormal occasion. Was this my youth attempting to find his was "home"?
Was this a young Spirit who just needed to be shown the Way To The Light.
I don't know. I disregarded him as well...
...or was this one of those common occurances He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, told me about yesterday? It is not induced by medications. I am not on a anti-madness pill that would create such issues. Sir Dude, calls these audio-hallucination. Well, I'm just not knowing anymore.
God?
...I was thinking I would not share this but then, why wouldn't I?
At approximately 1300, I saw one bright orb enter my home from my front door. Through the window of our storm door actually. The guest was rather larger than a basketball and very white. He came to visit me and left just as quickly as He entered. As if on a casual stroll via orb transport.
At approximately 1310, while in the shower, I heard someone knock on the Bath door. I did not respond nor engage the knock in any way. I was not in fear or afraid...
...seconds later I felt a guilt deep in my Spirit's...
...and wondered "What if that was Jesus Christ at the door"? You see, I did not welcome my guest into my room. Did I turn away my Savior?
At approxitmately 1315. I heard clearly as a deep blue clear sky - the voice of an adolescent boy say loudly, "hello?"..."hello?"...
...a haunting and lost "hello?". It is my heart that speaks to me on this paranormal occasion. Was this my youth attempting to find his was "home"?
Was this a young Spirit who just needed to be shown the Way To The Light.
I don't know. I disregarded him as well...
...or was this one of those common occurances He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, told me about yesterday? It is not induced by medications. I am not on a anti-madness pill that would create such issues. Sir Dude, calls these audio-hallucination. Well, I'm just not knowing anymore.
God?
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, Nani, Jeff and Sam
Had a visit with He-Who-Touched-My-Brain this morning. Was the recipient of one of his fabulous Brother Hugs, had good talks and Doc., has ordered some equpiment for the latrine. To be quite honest about it, the order is for arm rests/handles for the toilet so I don't fall off or foward as I have done in the past. The noises I have been hearing are common place. Ewwwwwww, I want to believe that so bleeding much. The noises that come out of this skull of mine, please, would drive some folks I know stark raving mad...
...I'm getting there I say. Just slower than others and who knows I may be on the verge of a break-through rather than a break down. In my one ear hole that sure sounds a bit more positive.
Oh Sir, I failed to mention the "funky worm" scene. We covered so much ground and had such a connection that I let the wormy subject get by. Doctor, these are the same wiggling sensations as my history has indicated, but now these bring along painful consequences. Yes, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, I'll get in touch with my neuro. doctor. She has made it just about perfectly clear that these are created by the Cervical Spince issues. Doc., there's just something in my core that suspects more to the story on the worm sensations. These have gone on for too long on My Path. I swear I want them out so bad, my Good Doctor. These sensations are not normal.
Doctor, I would love to share my gratitude for the way I was treated today by you and your wonderful staff. I mean, really, I feel more like Kinfolk who is ill rather than a patient who has issues...
...Spice DIVA E., has always treated me like an Uncle. Dr. "B", my audio., is superb and has always treated me with such a genuine care and respect,
and Miss Spicy Red, represents you as if you all were family. Oh, I mustn't forget She-With-The-Money-In-Her-Mind. In my book of management secrets, these are the type of Kindred I want on my team.
I am well aware that our Paths crossing are a Blessing from God. I thank God daily for you and what you have done for my family and I. You Rock!
God Bless you, your family, your hands, and all of those wonderful folks you have on the #1 Better Health Care Team on my side. There are many different teams, but I think really, it's a "no brainer". Get it? He-Who-Touched-My-Brain?
I share this note with you in this format because I wanted to share the good will that comes from you and your clinic with the whole world. Too many times I hear folks bash their doctors for simple odd's and ends. If more folks slowed down or stopped to take a see and look...
...folks, would see a well oiled machine busting butt for their important customers and patients.
I am indebted.
Doctor, if there's any feed back on these worms wiggling and reproducing in my skull - please let me know.
Love, peace, and understanding,
Mario Sierra
p.s. Wanted to say thank you 1,000,000 times to Jeff for taking me in his new car, for the Mom-in-Law and my youngest for coming along for good company. Nani, thanks for lunch! XOXOXOXO
...I'm getting there I say. Just slower than others and who knows I may be on the verge of a break-through rather than a break down. In my one ear hole that sure sounds a bit more positive.
Oh Sir, I failed to mention the "funky worm" scene. We covered so much ground and had such a connection that I let the wormy subject get by. Doctor, these are the same wiggling sensations as my history has indicated, but now these bring along painful consequences. Yes, He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, I'll get in touch with my neuro. doctor. She has made it just about perfectly clear that these are created by the Cervical Spince issues. Doc., there's just something in my core that suspects more to the story on the worm sensations. These have gone on for too long on My Path. I swear I want them out so bad, my Good Doctor. These sensations are not normal.
Doctor, I would love to share my gratitude for the way I was treated today by you and your wonderful staff. I mean, really, I feel more like Kinfolk who is ill rather than a patient who has issues...
...Spice DIVA E., has always treated me like an Uncle. Dr. "B", my audio., is superb and has always treated me with such a genuine care and respect,
and Miss Spicy Red, represents you as if you all were family. Oh, I mustn't forget She-With-The-Money-In-Her-Mind. In my book of management secrets, these are the type of Kindred I want on my team.
I am well aware that our Paths crossing are a Blessing from God. I thank God daily for you and what you have done for my family and I. You Rock!
God Bless you, your family, your hands, and all of those wonderful folks you have on the #1 Better Health Care Team on my side. There are many different teams, but I think really, it's a "no brainer". Get it? He-Who-Touched-My-Brain?
I share this note with you in this format because I wanted to share the good will that comes from you and your clinic with the whole world. Too many times I hear folks bash their doctors for simple odd's and ends. If more folks slowed down or stopped to take a see and look...
...folks, would see a well oiled machine busting butt for their important customers and patients.
I am indebted.
Doctor, if there's any feed back on these worms wiggling and reproducing in my skull - please let me know.
Love, peace, and understanding,
Mario Sierra
p.s. Wanted to say thank you 1,000,000 times to Jeff for taking me in his new car, for the Mom-in-Law and my youngest for coming along for good company. Nani, thanks for lunch! XOXOXOXO
Monday, August 8, 2011
NOTE: If One Would Like To Correspond
NOTE: All Relations and Kindred
For some reason there has always been a problem corresponding via my blogg or from other bloggers or visitors. I have considered for quite some time how was I going to share this idea with you who visit. So please, pardon me if I'm a bit frustrated about this lack of contact or connection. Have sent in requests for assistance to no avail. Lord please, I am still a novice when it comes to all the bells and whistles...an original member of the ten thumbs club.
...I thought, of how bad I wish to correspond with others, relations and kindred. So I have decided to place my e-mail on this note. It is mustafa38@aol.com. Please, should anyone wish to correspond please make a brief note so that I know the correspondance is from the blogg.
Brilliant! I have always wanted some one to communicate with about Meniere's Disease or any of the things I have survived. As one of your fellow Humand Spirits to many out here on Earth Mother.
Welcome! Welcome!
For some reason there has always been a problem corresponding via my blogg or from other bloggers or visitors. I have considered for quite some time how was I going to share this idea with you who visit. So please, pardon me if I'm a bit frustrated about this lack of contact or connection. Have sent in requests for assistance to no avail. Lord please, I am still a novice when it comes to all the bells and whistles...an original member of the ten thumbs club.
...I thought, of how bad I wish to correspond with others, relations and kindred. So I have decided to place my e-mail on this note. It is mustafa38@aol.com. Please, should anyone wish to correspond please make a brief note so that I know the correspondance is from the blogg.
Brilliant! I have always wanted some one to communicate with about Meniere's Disease or any of the things I have survived. As one of your fellow Humand Spirits to many out here on Earth Mother.
Welcome! Welcome!
Publications For The Deaf/HH. Remind me, It's a Hard Knock Life
I receive publications pertaining to Kindred who are Deaf and or Hard of Hearing. I enjoy reading the articles and see and read about equipment, special telephones, door bells, fire alarms, hearing aids, and added security that are so expensive. Too expensive. As much as I do enjoy reading these magazines I am considering the cancellations of both...
...seeing and reading about all of these tools turns the publications into an "I Wish List" type of reading material. These are fantastic magazines - full of resourse's, interesting articles, and great products. I just feel a lesser class citizen because I can not afford the purchase of equipment that would improve my day-to-day life style...
...there are things that would change my life. For life! Between the covers of these magazines are Diamonds and Yachts...
...Caviar and fine wines. I grieve for the total loss of hearing in my left ear every day of life and carry sorrow for the loss of the hearing I still have in my Right-Good-Bad-Ear.
It's a Hard Knock Life...
...I have brothers and sisters in Somalia dieing from hunger. Brothers and sisters in my country The United States of America who are hungry and homeless. Them dieing from the heat. Zimbabwe is day's away from total chaos. My fellow Americans in Far and Away places, putting their lives on the line for us AND for them. Is there retaliation in the near future for the downing of the helecopter with such a high death toll. I hope so.
Maybe I think I take one step back and say Thank You Great One!
It's a Hard Knock Life, but God's Got My Back...........true? Okay then...
...seeing and reading about all of these tools turns the publications into an "I Wish List" type of reading material. These are fantastic magazines - full of resourse's, interesting articles, and great products. I just feel a lesser class citizen because I can not afford the purchase of equipment that would improve my day-to-day life style...
...there are things that would change my life. For life! Between the covers of these magazines are Diamonds and Yachts...
...Caviar and fine wines. I grieve for the total loss of hearing in my left ear every day of life and carry sorrow for the loss of the hearing I still have in my Right-Good-Bad-Ear.
It's a Hard Knock Life...
...I have brothers and sisters in Somalia dieing from hunger. Brothers and sisters in my country The United States of America who are hungry and homeless. Them dieing from the heat. Zimbabwe is day's away from total chaos. My fellow Americans in Far and Away places, putting their lives on the line for us AND for them. Is there retaliation in the near future for the downing of the helecopter with such a high death toll. I hope so.
Maybe I think I take one step back and say Thank You Great One!
It's a Hard Knock Life, but God's Got My Back...........true? Okay then...
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Meniere's Stuff & Other Shtuff
I think I'll share first of all, that the "missing" does not get better with time. Not yet anyways. And I don't think from me so much, I have cried every day since my daughter flew to the other side of our Earth Mother. We have this scary thing on the computer where we are able to see and speak daily, it's free and free is for me - but damned technolgy is too much for me. It's quite cool this skype. It looks as if the computer is looking at me at this moment. I just try not to think about all the science of it and I'm fine.
NOTE: FYI! I have begun to read Webster's Basic Thesaurus today and expect I will take pleasure and am enthusiastic as all get out about it. To my dear friend, the beautiful and sweet "Miss. Saint Petersburg", Florida thank you very much for this splendid recommendation. The only regret is I did not begin this reading earlier. Betcha it's on now! XXX's and OOO's Dahlin'!
On to the Meniere's Disease. The pain in my skull continues to get worse as does the worm activity that brings pain with it. The pain in my neck remains to be such a trouble. I see He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, later this week. We will have a nice talk. Also look forward to one of his Christian Bear Hugs...free medicine!
My Deaf Left Ear has been hearing explosions over the past week or so. Clear as a clear damn Florida sunny day - and loud as hell too. Boom or a bang! Look, I hear them. My bride and daughter do not. I re-act to what I percieve to be an explosion and this irritates them. Hell, I wish I had a symptom or some sort of notice before someone shoots off that damned cannon. Reminds me of Mary Poppins, with the ole retired ex-Navel Officer, remember? I just don't have any set times on these explosions. Other than the explosions today, I have also listened to "As The Beep Goes On" and Morris Code to Guam. The translation is of a friend franticly attempting to get ahold of one of his Friends For Life. It seems that many attempts have been made with negative results. Yet this friend sends out Morris Codes damned near every hour...
...my Right-Good-Bad Ear, was just not doing it today. Silence visited a couple few times today. Hearing was a difficult task today. NOTE: One does not know how exhausting it is to be Deaf and HH. Come on. Imagine how many times a day I ask for a repeat, how many times I have to flash back twenty seconds on televison with hopes to understand what was said. Shit, there've been times when I've gone through an entire show and had not understood a freakin' word. Blah, Blah, Blah. Yackity-Yack-Yack-Yack. Same-same.
...so I sit with my Lady's and do the P.T. excersises K-Lo, taught me or use the Kettle Bar. Will also use this weired rubber hose Reebok manufactured to do various arm strengthening. Probably not to bad for my heart and lungs. True?
...Bren, took me out to a small department store this afternoon and this place was a maze of noises. It was really some heavy stuff. Broke me out in a sweat and it's mates, nausea and dizziness. It has been since the airport that I stepped out. Today was Good medicine! Even with the noise issue - I needed to get out. I did not go to Dream World today. Yesterday and Friday, I spent most of life asleep. With this scene, I don't know if it's Meniere's related or depression related. I am postive it's not medicinally induced because I use my medication as directed. For them on an as needed order, I follow the order as it is written. On an as needed basis. I stretch my medication's out Honey! Oh yes, thank you Wife for getting me out for a stretch. Thank you for the thesaurus too! Whew! I can't wait to bite into it.
K-Lo! Sir, if you're still reading my words I want to share with you that my bride also purchased a medium sized ball for my thigh muscle enhancements and strenghtening. Thank you for the idea!
God Bless the families of our troops shot down across the big pond. God Bless those who are there right now. And God, please bless the families and friends of all of our men and WOmen in uniform.
God Bless America.
NOTE: FYI! I have begun to read Webster's Basic Thesaurus today and expect I will take pleasure and am enthusiastic as all get out about it. To my dear friend, the beautiful and sweet "Miss. Saint Petersburg", Florida thank you very much for this splendid recommendation. The only regret is I did not begin this reading earlier. Betcha it's on now! XXX's and OOO's Dahlin'!
On to the Meniere's Disease. The pain in my skull continues to get worse as does the worm activity that brings pain with it. The pain in my neck remains to be such a trouble. I see He-Who-Touched-My-Brain, later this week. We will have a nice talk. Also look forward to one of his Christian Bear Hugs...free medicine!
My Deaf Left Ear has been hearing explosions over the past week or so. Clear as a clear damn Florida sunny day - and loud as hell too. Boom or a bang! Look, I hear them. My bride and daughter do not. I re-act to what I percieve to be an explosion and this irritates them. Hell, I wish I had a symptom or some sort of notice before someone shoots off that damned cannon. Reminds me of Mary Poppins, with the ole retired ex-Navel Officer, remember? I just don't have any set times on these explosions. Other than the explosions today, I have also listened to "As The Beep Goes On" and Morris Code to Guam. The translation is of a friend franticly attempting to get ahold of one of his Friends For Life. It seems that many attempts have been made with negative results. Yet this friend sends out Morris Codes damned near every hour...
...my Right-Good-Bad Ear, was just not doing it today. Silence visited a couple few times today. Hearing was a difficult task today. NOTE: One does not know how exhausting it is to be Deaf and HH. Come on. Imagine how many times a day I ask for a repeat, how many times I have to flash back twenty seconds on televison with hopes to understand what was said. Shit, there've been times when I've gone through an entire show and had not understood a freakin' word. Blah, Blah, Blah. Yackity-Yack-Yack-Yack. Same-same.
...so I sit with my Lady's and do the P.T. excersises K-Lo, taught me or use the Kettle Bar. Will also use this weired rubber hose Reebok manufactured to do various arm strengthening. Probably not to bad for my heart and lungs. True?
...Bren, took me out to a small department store this afternoon and this place was a maze of noises. It was really some heavy stuff. Broke me out in a sweat and it's mates, nausea and dizziness. It has been since the airport that I stepped out. Today was Good medicine! Even with the noise issue - I needed to get out. I did not go to Dream World today. Yesterday and Friday, I spent most of life asleep. With this scene, I don't know if it's Meniere's related or depression related. I am postive it's not medicinally induced because I use my medication as directed. For them on an as needed order, I follow the order as it is written. On an as needed basis. I stretch my medication's out Honey! Oh yes, thank you Wife for getting me out for a stretch. Thank you for the thesaurus too! Whew! I can't wait to bite into it.
K-Lo! Sir, if you're still reading my words I want to share with you that my bride also purchased a medium sized ball for my thigh muscle enhancements and strenghtening. Thank you for the idea!
God Bless the families of our troops shot down across the big pond. God Bless those who are there right now. And God, please bless the families and friends of all of our men and WOmen in uniform.
God Bless America.
In Memorial, Rudolf Brazda
I read in today's Sunday's press, from the Inter-National Obituary, the news of Mr. Rudolf Brazda's crossing. His age at death was 98 years of age...
...it is believed Mr. Brazda, is the last surviving man to wear the Pink Triangle" - the emblem sewn onto the striped uniforms of the thousands of homosexuals sent to Nazi concentration camps, most of them to their deaths - died Wednesday, 3 August 11, in Alsace, France.
As I read this very small obit, my heart and stomach wrenched as I thought to myself, "why?"! Why was it I/WE were not introduced as a society to Mr. Brazda decades ago? Why only upon his death, in this story-in-a-tiny-note, have we learned of this fellow who wore a Pink Triangle and survived the concentration camps? And lived to be 98 years of age!
The Washington Post, New York Times, Huffington Post and others provided more insight as to who Mr. Brazda was. There is also interview on another e-social gathering place.
Many years ago I read "The Nazi War Against Homosexuals, THE PINK TRIANGLE", written by Mr. Richard Plant. The story-in-a-tiny-note is taped to the inner cover of this book. So I don't forget...
...there is an unexplainable anger with-in the midst of my energies.
Rudolf, rest well. God Bless. And Shalom!
p.s. Years ago I would wear a button with The Pink Triangle and would also have the same as a bumper sticker in solidarity with our Gay Kindred. In life or in death...
...think I'll go pull out the ole button, in memorial.
...it is believed Mr. Brazda, is the last surviving man to wear the Pink Triangle" - the emblem sewn onto the striped uniforms of the thousands of homosexuals sent to Nazi concentration camps, most of them to their deaths - died Wednesday, 3 August 11, in Alsace, France.
As I read this very small obit, my heart and stomach wrenched as I thought to myself, "why?"! Why was it I/WE were not introduced as a society to Mr. Brazda decades ago? Why only upon his death, in this story-in-a-tiny-note, have we learned of this fellow who wore a Pink Triangle and survived the concentration camps? And lived to be 98 years of age!
The Washington Post, New York Times, Huffington Post and others provided more insight as to who Mr. Brazda was. There is also interview on another e-social gathering place.
Many years ago I read "The Nazi War Against Homosexuals, THE PINK TRIANGLE", written by Mr. Richard Plant. The story-in-a-tiny-note is taped to the inner cover of this book. So I don't forget...
...there is an unexplainable anger with-in the midst of my energies.
Rudolf, rest well. God Bless. And Shalom!
p.s. Years ago I would wear a button with The Pink Triangle and would also have the same as a bumper sticker in solidarity with our Gay Kindred. In life or in death...
...think I'll go pull out the ole button, in memorial.
Friday, August 5, 2011
My Daughter, The Eagle
Today is Friday, the 05 Aug. 11.
My emotional and psychological states are both meshed in with the sadness - which compounds my depression. As an arm may have a diagonosis of a compound fracture, my heart and psyche have sustained the same form of fracture. I have cried so much the past couple/few days, I actually have had a pain develope in my heart as a consequence.
My eldest flew out yesterday afternoon. Somewhere so far and so away. I wept myself into a nap yesterday a short bit after we got back from the airport. And cried myself to sleep last night....over two hours worth of prayerful tears. Today has brought about bouts of emotional melt downs and many more tears.
There was just a moment there at the check entry I wanted so much to scream "please, Nikki don't go!". But I didn't. Neither did I weep in the company of others. What's a dad to do? I was screaming inside my heart. This compares nothing very little to when she "moved" off to Tallahassee. (Lord, please let it be that I spelt the name of Tallahassee correctly). We were able to see one another on a pleasent frequent basis. Oh, naw-naw. This was something on an entire level of it's own. A new experiance for her and for our family...
...yes, Great One, I know this is yet another step in my daughters life as an independant, mature and responsible young WOman. She is so strong and is steadfast with every endeavor she involves herslf with. She is an Eagle. She spreads her wings wider and better than her dad/I could have ever imagined...
...no this is not a beat-me-up-session, this is to let the "World", know I am Honored to have her as my baby, my daughter, and as a fellow adult...
...a WOman of this community called Earth Mother.
Honorable daughter, I love you with every breath. I thank The One God, for Blessing your Mom and I with such a spendid family. For you my young Nikki, and for your Baby Sister Sam! Our other Eagle.
We are so blessed. Thank you God! Thank You, my Great Spirit.
Love, Pa
p.s. Nik, walk in beauty...and take each step with purpose.
Yes, my daughter is an Eagle!
My emotional and psychological states are both meshed in with the sadness - which compounds my depression. As an arm may have a diagonosis of a compound fracture, my heart and psyche have sustained the same form of fracture. I have cried so much the past couple/few days, I actually have had a pain develope in my heart as a consequence.
My eldest flew out yesterday afternoon. Somewhere so far and so away. I wept myself into a nap yesterday a short bit after we got back from the airport. And cried myself to sleep last night....over two hours worth of prayerful tears. Today has brought about bouts of emotional melt downs and many more tears.
There was just a moment there at the check entry I wanted so much to scream "please, Nikki don't go!". But I didn't. Neither did I weep in the company of others. What's a dad to do? I was screaming inside my heart. This compares nothing very little to when she "moved" off to Tallahassee. (Lord, please let it be that I spelt the name of Tallahassee correctly). We were able to see one another on a pleasent frequent basis. Oh, naw-naw. This was something on an entire level of it's own. A new experiance for her and for our family...
...yes, Great One, I know this is yet another step in my daughters life as an independant, mature and responsible young WOman. She is so strong and is steadfast with every endeavor she involves herslf with. She is an Eagle. She spreads her wings wider and better than her dad/I could have ever imagined...
...no this is not a beat-me-up-session, this is to let the "World", know I am Honored to have her as my baby, my daughter, and as a fellow adult...
...a WOman of this community called Earth Mother.
Honorable daughter, I love you with every breath. I thank The One God, for Blessing your Mom and I with such a spendid family. For you my young Nikki, and for your Baby Sister Sam! Our other Eagle.
We are so blessed. Thank you God! Thank You, my Great Spirit.
Love, Pa
p.s. Nik, walk in beauty...and take each step with purpose.
Yes, my daughter is an Eagle!
03 August 2011
It is 3/4 past noon here in Tampa, Florida. There is a steady and silent rain, no thunder or lightening yet. Please stay away lightening, as I wish to chat a spell with Kindred...
...this morning was a most uncomfortable one. I have been fighting the sleep with success. I do not want to sleep today. My darling daughter heads out to the Middle East in the morrow morning. I want to spend every possible minute with her. Over heard her having a sweet talk with her Tia/Aunt/My Baby Sister. Eased my mind, Spirit's and Daddy Heart. I remember seeing her come into this place, Our Earth Mother as if it were just a few years ago. I am pleased and so blessed to have two Honorable daughters. What more could a Dad ask of his children. She's spreading her wings like an eagle. My heart is good and warm. The bottom line is this; "She's a grown ass WOman"...what can I do?
The "WORMS" come first today on this sypmtom update because there is now a certain pain associated with these sensations and my Left Deaf ear has an ache in my skull, below the left ear. I have experianced discomfort in the past, but these pains are different. The worms have been active for a few...
...this same ear has had some sort of communications with them in Sri Lanka, as there has been some extraordinary beeping going on. Some short beeps and some that last seconds at a time. I attempt to reply but my Morris Code transmitter has in-coming only. What else can one do when one get's these bleeding beeps - day after day after day after day after day.
My Right-Good-Bad ear, has been hearing voices and the sounds of a street buster/drill, like the one's used to destroy pavement, streets, roads and such. Shit! Sometimes I think to myself, "Duuuuuuuuude, how much more can you handle these foiken noises!"
Wait! My Left Deaf Ear heard an explosion just a bit ago! No really! It was so loud, so there, so believing, so real...
The balance and coordination has been quite off today. Yes, I walk with purpose and am safe.
Nausea is high. Have been perspiring and or sweating the all of today. No productive nausea. My dizziness is a steady six and it's time for medication. I promise.
Last night was a scarey night for me. Too many nightmares, with each one I awoke to see odd things.
NOTE: I submit this as an incomplete posting. Today is the 5th August 2011.
Let me begin anew. Please...
Until then...
...this morning was a most uncomfortable one. I have been fighting the sleep with success. I do not want to sleep today. My darling daughter heads out to the Middle East in the morrow morning. I want to spend every possible minute with her. Over heard her having a sweet talk with her Tia/Aunt/My Baby Sister. Eased my mind, Spirit's and Daddy Heart. I remember seeing her come into this place, Our Earth Mother as if it were just a few years ago. I am pleased and so blessed to have two Honorable daughters. What more could a Dad ask of his children. She's spreading her wings like an eagle. My heart is good and warm. The bottom line is this; "She's a grown ass WOman"...what can I do?
The "WORMS" come first today on this sypmtom update because there is now a certain pain associated with these sensations and my Left Deaf ear has an ache in my skull, below the left ear. I have experianced discomfort in the past, but these pains are different. The worms have been active for a few...
...this same ear has had some sort of communications with them in Sri Lanka, as there has been some extraordinary beeping going on. Some short beeps and some that last seconds at a time. I attempt to reply but my Morris Code transmitter has in-coming only. What else can one do when one get's these bleeding beeps - day after day after day after day after day.
My Right-Good-Bad ear, has been hearing voices and the sounds of a street buster/drill, like the one's used to destroy pavement, streets, roads and such. Shit! Sometimes I think to myself, "Duuuuuuuuude, how much more can you handle these foiken noises!"
Wait! My Left Deaf Ear heard an explosion just a bit ago! No really! It was so loud, so there, so believing, so real...
The balance and coordination has been quite off today. Yes, I walk with purpose and am safe.
Nausea is high. Have been perspiring and or sweating the all of today. No productive nausea. My dizziness is a steady six and it's time for medication. I promise.
Last night was a scarey night for me. Too many nightmares, with each one I awoke to see odd things.
NOTE: I submit this as an incomplete posting. Today is the 5th August 2011.
Let me begin anew. Please...
Until then...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
A Sonic Sneak Meniere's Attack
The sleep in life has been overpowering since Saturday. There was a quick and very brief moment when I thought I was having a meniere's attack, that afternoon but it retreated so quickly. As fast as it came it went away. I was at my kitchen counter sipping water with a pill at the moment and braced myself there. I decided not to say anything, it was that quick. I suspected I had some sort of quickie attack in my ear hole. Or a Sonic Surprise Attack! I did. So I have just dealt with it.
I made an attempt to begin this entry yesterday. The need to sleep was just to damned much. So, I begin anew...
...well, I here am on this Tuesday afternoon tapping and tipping at this key board and have slept most of my day's and night's since the Micro-Attack. Have slept approximately seventy some hours since. I did not want to call He-Who-Touched-My-Brain on this occassion. I'm afraid I am a bother-some patient and I really just didn't want to trouble him or his Sweet Assistant, Miss. Diva. They're so busy. There's so many patients that love these folks as much as me. Even though I don't think any love He-Who-Touched-My-Brain or Miss. Diva, more than I.
Today, I am still nauseated, vomitted just a bit ago. I am sweating and am dizzy too. To sum up the symptoms I have had since then is the same as above...Nausea is high. Sweating. Am in an unfun and ugly dizzy spell.
My right-good-bad-ear is having trouble with the hearing. Trouble? Sometimes I can see my Grandpa Roy, cup his hand over his right ear so he could hear a bit better. I hope it was for the better. I have caught myself seeing some of his manners and going-on's in me. Little did I know he taught me more than fishing, he taught me to cup my right ear to hear a bit better. Thanks Grandpa Roy! I continue to have longer periods of silence. The plop plop continues.
In my Left Deaf ear, I am aware of what sounds like "giant" crickets having a competion on who can be the damned loudest. There are too many to count and oh, all are so damned very loud.
The emotions on my other hand are very low...way many tears have been shed lately. My mind is stuck on a lowly three at this moment. Very low...so sad and blue. Maybe not much more for me to say today. Maybe this is the way I woke this morning? I don't remember. What I do know is that my eldest daughter is off to the Middle East on the day after tomorrow and am aware of plenty tears drawn from this concept.
I am exhausted. My fingers ache and it appears my entire body is in pain. I just want to go back to Dream World. I will wait for Brenda to come home. My Dream World has been scarey lately. Even while asleep in the bright day sun light, I visit the Dream World that's not a nice place. Dream World is one of my Safe Places. A Sanctuary. I'll see what I have to do to evict the thought's, memorie's, and rubbish that has cluttered up the my mind and Spirit's.
I'm just a simple man on a simple Path...
I made an attempt to begin this entry yesterday. The need to sleep was just to damned much. So, I begin anew...
...well, I here am on this Tuesday afternoon tapping and tipping at this key board and have slept most of my day's and night's since the Micro-Attack. Have slept approximately seventy some hours since. I did not want to call He-Who-Touched-My-Brain on this occassion. I'm afraid I am a bother-some patient and I really just didn't want to trouble him or his Sweet Assistant, Miss. Diva. They're so busy. There's so many patients that love these folks as much as me. Even though I don't think any love He-Who-Touched-My-Brain or Miss. Diva, more than I.
Today, I am still nauseated, vomitted just a bit ago. I am sweating and am dizzy too. To sum up the symptoms I have had since then is the same as above...Nausea is high. Sweating. Am in an unfun and ugly dizzy spell.
My right-good-bad-ear is having trouble with the hearing. Trouble? Sometimes I can see my Grandpa Roy, cup his hand over his right ear so he could hear a bit better. I hope it was for the better. I have caught myself seeing some of his manners and going-on's in me. Little did I know he taught me more than fishing, he taught me to cup my right ear to hear a bit better. Thanks Grandpa Roy! I continue to have longer periods of silence. The plop plop continues.
In my Left Deaf ear, I am aware of what sounds like "giant" crickets having a competion on who can be the damned loudest. There are too many to count and oh, all are so damned very loud.
The emotions on my other hand are very low...way many tears have been shed lately. My mind is stuck on a lowly three at this moment. Very low...so sad and blue. Maybe not much more for me to say today. Maybe this is the way I woke this morning? I don't remember. What I do know is that my eldest daughter is off to the Middle East on the day after tomorrow and am aware of plenty tears drawn from this concept.
I am exhausted. My fingers ache and it appears my entire body is in pain. I just want to go back to Dream World. I will wait for Brenda to come home. My Dream World has been scarey lately. Even while asleep in the bright day sun light, I visit the Dream World that's not a nice place. Dream World is one of my Safe Places. A Sanctuary. I'll see what I have to do to evict the thought's, memorie's, and rubbish that has cluttered up the my mind and Spirit's.
I'm just a simple man on a simple Path...
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