I have noticed the mask professional folks place on their face when I speak of or share my thoughts of death and or dieing. There is no need to cover my face because I speak with honesty and the truth. I am absolutely postitive this is a subject that my brains, both left and right, and my mind have their little electronic lighting flashes and fire works going off between my ears as I tip-tap along...
...there is a part of my core and pieces of me that are always active because I do think of death and dieing. Daily. There has been too much death and dieing in my Relations over the past decade. Year-to-date. Close within my Circle and those who are Kindred and Like Minded...and it branches off to include all Relations. Death, really is a part of My Path. I am just so exhausted from reading and seeing so much death on the television or in the press. Death is all around me and death comes uninvited, and as I recently learned always out of season.
I have often said, as I will say right now that today is a good day to die. It was and has been a mighty good day to join them who have crossed before me. My Lord, the reunions I would have! Within this same breath I will say and perhaps even proclaim that today was a mighty fine day to be alive as well! Spent time with daughter and wife and was able to speak with daughter who lives far far and away. Met with Dr. Neurology and am on course, moving in a forward direction with that.
Am pushing this heavy envelope with gladness and sometimes assertively. As and if I must, I'll pull the card. There's been too many nay sayers, you see? It is within my legal and vivid mind set, that I will push as hard as I possibly can to over come these emotional drains in my life. Most of them are the physical illnesses and diseases that are constant reminders of so much that I took for granted in life. Hearing, driving, walking, working, running, breathing...
...then there's the sadness and sometimes madness that rents a spot here in this Human's Body. Please, who, no let me say I, never would have thought this is where I would be at the recently changed age of 52 years.
The dreary dark and horrible places in my thoughts are there because of my memories of the lives I was forced to live as a child and adult. Then mix in issues of the past few years and I'm ripe with the tales of loss of hearing, being Deaf in left ear, loss of balance, surgeries, sickness, hospitalizations, procedures, loss of employement because of same. Loss of contact with those near my heart, them who I used to have daily contact. The loss of an employment that was the best in my life. Starbucks Coffee Company. Still, I get home sick.
Loss of self respect and the loss of self love. Somewhere along these past few years I forgot to remember to love myself.
So yes, my Relations, with all of the above said and shared, I have thought and think of death every day of life. No, there are no plans in place and no, I don't place myself in harms way with the hopes of death. Please...
...I love life and I love to live. I'm just not afraid of death or dieing.
I battle the wanting to brand my skin. I battle the desires to cut myself. I battle the yearning to bleed...
...thinking and believing as I did as a child that this is a cleaning of sorts. I love to see the tubes of my blood when drawn for laboratory. My Mixed Breed Blood is beautiful and when it is in an airtight draw from a major vein it's color is rich and almost an unfamiliar shade of red.
I need to be able to speak of these thoughts and issues with the professionals who take care of my emotional, mental, and pyhsical health. I do not make this a topic for conversation. Damn it, it's just one of those things that I might need a little understanding and face to face...
...no masks please.
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