Have been successful in keeping myself from entering Dream World. I want to spend some time with Brenda, so for now, I'll keep myself distracted. Really not that different than distracting a child from being afraid of what lives under the bed. They're Body Guards. Ain't they? Avoiding sleep has been a more difficult task than thought. For Pete's sake. I really am fighting sleep...my entire body is exhausted and just wants to sleep. At this moment, I am nauseated, dizzy and very uncomfortable. Y que?
...I swear I think it has something to do with Mr. P.T., and his getting all freaked out about what happens to me post meniere's/vertigo attack. That "idea" has helped me fight the sleep. I think. He and I will talk Thursday. A peaceful connection.
Remember this about me, my Relations, always...
...I have done my absolute best to always put myself in the position to succeed. I mean to explain this to you. Through-out my days here on Earth Mother, I have fought to do the right thing. From childhood to adult. Too many times I had to fight for life and or limb. I know what this tastes like, you see?. Being a Survivor can sometimes be heavy on one's shoulders.
Hell yes, I've made mistakes. Hell, more than my fair share of fuck up's and bad decisions! It would be a lie if I said otherwise. Mistakes of years gone by continue to haunt me. Oh, how I've often wondered if this rubbish I deal with every day is punishment for the shit I did early in life...my childhood...early on when there was no path...no boundaries. No self-respect or self-love. More like self loathing and self distruction.
I think meniere's disease come about to keep me on my toe's. Like when a friend dies or moves away - another comes along. God, I am certain, has something for me to do...something in store. I just don't know it yet and am too young to be here like this with these stupied ass diseases.
Big Red, my pony grows impatient. I've got to get back on and in the groove. Soon. Real soon.
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