Greetings Guests and Readers,
The grasps of Meniere's Disease, has had me by the life lines these past six or so days. It is sad for me to say that much of my life has been slept threw. When awake, I feel it is my duty to deal with and combat the symptoms that come along with any and every attack of vertigo that comes my way. With each and every attack. With each and every side affect, side effect, I know that there battles to fight, there are times when I have to put up or like, let myself go back into REM.
It's easy like that.
Today, 15 January 2014, I stepped out to the mail box and looked about one of my gardens in the South West yard. Dear Kind Ones, that was a victory. Every attack of Meniere's brings along it's own trappings, you see? In my skin, it seems as if each and every attack of Meniere's comes with it's own set of rules. Really, they come along with it's own agenda and each comes with a set of the major traps that come with every fight against this damned invisible disease, Meniere's. I would love to come up with a nick name for this disease, I swear, because I tell you Sally, I sure do get tired of tip-tapping Meniere's Disease time and time and time again. Maybe I might find the legal abbreviation for Meniere's Disease. Yeah and oh yes, that's it.
This past week plus a day or so has been damned near complete isolation for me. If not for my spouse, Botswana, I have been totally isolated. Sure, a doctor's appointment here, a dentist appointment this past Monday, other than that, isolated. I say, though I have slept way too much, and I have and know this is something I can not control, I genuinely know what it feels like to relinquish control of my life, because I am powerless. It comes with this disease, eh? But, please, I am sure I would hope to get out of my exile every once in a damned month or less. Folks talk to me like I drive - "Mario, meet me half way". What the fuck is that? I can't drive a car! I couldn't operate a riding lawn mower. For shits sake! I see some things differently now.
Wait one moment please. Yes, my good-goodness, let me take a hold of that word 'isolation'. I am living the definition of the word isolation, I know what this means in my center right now. Well, that word isolation I just tossed out there a moment ago is resonating, I sit here silently and shake my head, I consider and sense there's something going on within, an energy creating a bright flaming affect deep with-in me, and my Soul, heart and Spirit's. I am curious. Yet, at this moment, at this instant, I feel sad. My Guests and Reader's, are aware that in past communiques I have often used the term 'exile' in expressing a time of isolation, but dammit, I say I never put the seriousness of that 2 + 2 together. I reckon I know now and honestly feel there is no alternative but to be aware, that there is in fact a very serious form of isolation going on. I see. Well, this is here now, and this forces me to sum up all of this up as a true and thorough form of isolation. WOW! What is that?! Oh Great One, Seen? With the exception of a very few loving and caring respectable few within my circles, I have been cut off. Put out. Thrown out...
...and I still ask, "Where the hell are all my friends"? Where are all those wonderful Folks who said, please call, call for anything. "You better call me, you hear", along with all of that other shit said when folks begin their processes of easing their way out of a once loved friendship. Look, for fucks sake, too many of you were way too easy to read, so easy, I saw your agenda long before you implemented your exit plan. By the way, I am very well aware that last year I permitted myself to have to say farewell to some folks who had once broken bread with me, those I loved and hugged and appreciated their company, but due to their negative energy and influences, it was time. Really, it was time for me to grab the proverbial bull's balls and do what I had to do to protect myself. Well, here I am and here comes 2014, one day at a time. There is something happening between these two ears, one of them deaf as a door knob. That's for me to say. Seen? I must continue to take care of myself and assert myself when it comes to my care by professionals in my hire. They know and I know I do my best to live and have some form of private and social interaction. My business plan has long been in place and working since Fall. My plans, my projections of savings over spending needlessly, all of the major health plans are in place, Mom. All of my plans, them and those for My Better Health Plan. My Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Paths are in place, and I want to have some form of life style to share energy with, genuine peoples and folks to engage with. Can you dig it?
Over the past day and few, while up for an hour or a brief period of being aware and feeling well, I have spent time attending to two boards on the social network Pinterest. One is the Board of a group I joined within the past week called "Meniere's Disease". What started off as something I considered a Pinterest experiment a year or so ago never took off. Then I put my face back into it and taught myself the odds and ends, navigating myself about. I then created and I went into my boards creating what I think are little pieces of me and who I am. Like little photos of others, in their lives teaching me every time I go at it, and when I do, I do this with attention and fullest intention. Shoot, for me, I've passed with major good grades here and I have placed this into my business plans, as I have observed myself gaining a good vibe from the interactions I am having and enjoying here. I share, I have based my decision to continue working on this energy here. This unique` and awesome positive infused energy I feel and an energy I pick up on here, on this Pinterest. I bet I am able to see and say I've never been able to fully drink from such this fountain of educational and silly stuff before.
With the business of saying farewell, well, I'll be quiet on this and move along. Your negative energy's have long sucked from my life force for far too long. I believe in forgiveness yes, but I am not no one persons damned fool. It is not necessary for one to share their negative outlook on their lives or situations with me. I'm full. And besides, you have them who believe in your two faced ways. So I ask you please, and understand this, I don't have to take your shit anymore in my life. Not yours, not his, not hers. I am finished being your damned supposed gimp. For you to hurl insults, your insults, your raised voices and your ill mannered ways and ill intent. For me, you see, other than love, there's no agendas in friendship.
Bitch please.
My God, Oh, My Dear Good God, what has been born in my Spirit's? What is it that you have created within me. I am a simple one, Father. I am but a lonely one who is too young to feel this old. These symptoms of Meniere's that rule my every day. The pain in my body that occupies places in my body from my scalp and skull to my legs. The pains in my neck are torture and I have managed to find ways to provide myself with deep body massage. Sometimes beneficial, sometimes none. My muscles live like this - to provide me daily pain and torture. The type of pain I'm feeling now in my damned right ear that is a so stabbing and harming, and hurting pain. So very damned harsh. I have lost weight and certain areas are a little bit easier to navigate.
For me, my health and good place of mind, I must take care of myself. I have to take care of me. And that little dude inside of me. I am moving along with life's serious scenario's and life's lighter moments. To enjoy good times, good fun, and good laughs.
I am alive you all and I'm here with much ambition and purpose. I will do whatever it is the Great Spirit blesses me to do. Something I am conscience about is that my voice will sometimes become loud when speaking in groups. I can't imagine why, but I will with purpose eliminate this from my talk. Though growing more and more hard of hearing I wish to have interaction with peoples. I gather as I move along and have been taught to truly feel and know I am not the only one wearing my size shoe. I want to be healthy, I want to be fit and feel happy about myself. Be happy in my life in spite of the health situations. I have a hope to walk someday with no cane. I want to be free. I want to be able to walk to the corner drug store and back without one stumble or fall. I get so disgusted when I stumble thinking that others would think I am a drunk. No, not a drunk, just a fellow Mother Earth Mate with invisible diseases.
No, and please read here, that I am very okay knowing that I remember everyday is a good day to die. No, I don't have a damned death wish! For shits sake, I just stated in fine tip tapping form that I want to be healthy. In my thoughts one can't be healthy and dead too. I am very simply letting go and letting God take the controls. I work on this daily, as I pray daily. I will soon create a new alter in my safe place, a place where I go when this damned Meniere's fucks shit up and work on that particular attacks agenda. Eh?
You all, I've got to go now. Peace.
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