Kinfolk and Kindred,
NOTE: The communique and words below were gathered on the 27th of January, shortly after getting home from therapy with my therapist Sir. Dude. Today is 30 January, and for me, the mass majority of hours, days, and nights have been sleeping, as in approximately 20 plus more hours per day. I truly have not kept an accurate count. This one beat the me good and damned proper - there's been nothing to do but eat my medications and sleep. Quite very honestly, if not for my desires to connect with someone else other than myself at this moment, I would be asleep in my safe place over in the West Wing of our lodge. So then, let me cut this short...
27 January 2013
I was able to have a face-to-face with my therapist, Sir Dude today, and as a whole our gathering went quite well. I felt as if we were engaged in good talk and talks that made sense. I will have to call him tomorrow because I just happened to double book that particular day in early February. Damn the schedule! Yes, for goodness sakes, this has happened before. I reckon I could say to myself, "come a long dude, take it easy on yourself", but that's not my address you see and surely this is not how I operate my Better Health and Emotional Business. Though I've always been able to reschedule, I do not have a simple ass of an excuse. I hate it when I schedule an appointment on the same date already occupied. The original scheduled appointment is with She-With-Many-Names, this is the date due and scheduled for another procedure and round of Botox. So then, this type of an appointment will always take front roll seating on my calendar and month of appointments. Triage?
Unless I am having a break down, in which case, all wheels point at my therapist.
It was good seeing Sir Dude. It had been a span of probably four weeks since our last talk. My skulls innards and I figured it was about that time to get with the brother, so that's how I got to his office today. It was just about that damned time. When he returns my call, I'll also be speaking with him about a topic brought up near the end of our gathering. Though probably nothing at all, there must be a follow up chat on that. This is my Better Emotional Health aspect of my Health's Business Plan. This is where I am encapsulated by the right good vibes, energy, and safety that comes from my therapists office. Yes, I have entrusted Sir Dude, and I am certain to ensure all bases are covered on my Path to a healthier individual in me. This is my business, you see. I want to have a fulfilling and rewarding life style. This Meniere's Disease and Neurological Pains and related issues, drive my life right now. It is one of the worst feelings and on-going experience's in my life. As I have mentioned before, I do as these illnesses say do. Come early February, the day of my meeting and procedures and injections with She-With-Many-Names, we'll have clear and understanding communications. I do not have any control of this Meniere's that dwells within my skull, brains and skin, I pray for good days. Boundaries are necessary with a few going's on at the Neurological Pain and Burn Center at Tampa General.
I pray for strong times and days, like the three or four hours today while out to therapy and to the dollar store with my dearest wife Botswana. For three or so hours I felt pretty damned sharp - then I began to have what I refer to as my melt downs. Sweating and dripping with my sweat from head to my knees. While at Sir Dudes, I had nausea but non-productive. I had shared with therapist how the worms have seemed to have gone away for a spell, well, I jinxed myself because I felt them on my way home gagging and sweating. And feeling my worms who had gone on a nice long holiday. There was maybe one month of no movements, I thought the spiders and worms had moved out. The pains remain in my scalp and skull. The pains in my scalp, skull, shoulders and other body parts are as horrible and a torture of pain that burns, pains that knot me up, and pains that hurt me to tears. This is the pain that woke me from a sold sleep last night, all I could do was spread copious amounts of Ben Gay on my neck and shoulders. The pain radiated all the way down to my right wrist. Horrible, horrible fucking pain. The pains in my scalp continue, sometimes striking like lightening, as with a sudden strike. While other times there is a pain that brings on more pain and then even more pain.
For shits sakes DOCTORS! I'm not your damned JUNKIE! I don't bug you, I don't call you or your staff, or pester you for the medications THAT YOU, my extraordinary DOCTORS and PROFESSORS made a call on. These are prescribed BY YOU! The PLAYS are CALLED by you. NOT ME! I am the patient! I follow your instructions like I follow the instructions of every other doctor working with me to improve my QUALITY OF LIFE. This is all I want of the remainder of what I pray is a wonderful life. A good and righteous quality of life.
Those three words right there is all I've wanted over these past brief few years. My Good Kindred! I have had Meniere's Disease for how many years before it was diagnosed? How many surgery's and operations have I had because Of Meniere's Disease? How many dozens and dozens of people interact with me and my patient care - in and out of hospital! In and out of clinic! Hospital stays for respiratory, for BAHA, for a Redo on my BAHA, sinus surgery, pneumonia! All over the past five years my dear Folks. Notice this, I haven't even mentioned emergency department visits or dermatology appointments to remove the little bits and pieces of cancer from my skin.
Oh, I say, yes, yes, Kin Folk, Kindred, Friends, Associates, did I say Family?, by the 90's of percentile you all scattered like cock roaches. When my illnesses began to really kick in and kick my ass, it was like nobody was left. For the most part and perhaps best, the years have passed on and I have moved on to the best of my ability. It is never easy getting 'burned' by your own blood.
Over these years I have fought and I have fought hard for my family and I, and I will continue to fight these battles for health and for my emotions. I think of these things, I would like you to know as I feel the needles pierce my face over and over again.
Oh shit, some of you out there have been some hideous folks. The verbal scenes I have endured, with Kinfolk and some staff members. I have loved to live my entire life and look forward to many more years of life. So much drama and bull shit is created by others - the very few, a so few who remain in contact with me. It is just enough for my two hands to cradle my face and let cry. All of this communique covers the reality of my life. Sure, maybe I get upset here, or there, but you know what? I roll with those damned punches, when I get knocked down, or when I fall down, I get back up, dust myself off and keep on trucking. I've dealt with these diseases full speed ahead and head first on. I've have fought like a wild horse, and I've fought, and have been bucked and I fight for my rights...
...because no one else does or will. All I want is an improved quality of life. A quality of life.
A Quality of Life. A Quality of Life. A Quality of Life. A Quality of Life. A Quality of Life.
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