Dear Guest's,
You're welcome here. Please take your shoes off, smile, sit back and relax a spell. There's a few articles of interest I wish to speak of and who better to be with than my guests and friends here. Presently speaking, I wish to talk about me and my Meniere's Disease. To share, eh?
I have made many experiments with the Meniere's these past few months or so passed on. Several experiments that crossed social, personal, medical, and emotional aspects of my life at this moment. Experimenting with myself during these months of change that included not communicating as much as I usually did when reporting Meniere's vertigo attacks. These Meniere's vertigo attacks happen two to three times a month. For me, sometimes it is best I have a connection to assist with a grounding if the going gets too tough. So for me, keeping silent is something I am pleased to report was nonsense. I try not to let this be on the surface of my skin, or on my face, but this Meniere's is a freak of nature. I said it. And it's a disgusting disease that has changed my entire life forever. There has been so many life changes take affect that I just can't comprehend. Expressing what has happened in my life, with me and the so many operations and procedures is sometimes depressing...
...looking at my life realistically and to be able to embrace my life from an open and holistic point of view, is easy for me to see that my ventures with Vocational Rehab. and my right good counselor, has been an asset for me and my life with this disease Meniere's. I am to be awed by what we have done as a team and I can say thank you one million times and still would feel you are owed two raises and a promotion for the work you do there in your office.
My dearest one bride sees me daily and I contemplate how this Meniere's has affected her, she who has been my girl friend since we were children. I pray for my daughters, my Kin and Kindred, and lives of other's who know or knew me, affected by this disease that lives in my body named Meniere's. I did mention earlier, I think that this Meniere's is a freak of nature.
Wait. Does that mean I am a freak of nature now? What? Dude?
At this moment, I have a knot in my throat that is just below my Adams apple. I feel a stir in my stomach and am afraid I will throw up any second. Nausea for me is a non-negotiable, there is nothing I can say, do or eat medicine to swallow that eases this disgusting omni-present nature of nausea and vomiting which is happening daily. Well, for example, just last night, I had an episode of vomiting when it was that I passed vomit threw my mouth, nose, and sinus. A fucking productive nausea that carried with it the acids and juices of my stomach that burned my nose. I share with all Kindred, I could not have experiments with this symptom of my Meniere's. This is something that is a part of me now. No need in fighting me. Though I say, this nausea and vomiting is just plain damned disgusting.
Over the past few months, there have been and were many times when I have been able to be in the company of my dear family, in private and in public. I had opportunity's to connect and to have talks with my Kin. Blessings. Sadly, my Abuela Mary has crossed over and it is a fact that I have slept on average sixteen to eighteen hours per day. Not because my grandmother passed away, this is one of them damned unfortunate side effects of what I refer to as symptom's of this Meniere's. Shit yes. I tried, and I fucking tried hard to fight the sleep. The slumber, but I have failed miserably with each and every attempt. I mean, I have never gone off on a holiday week end to remain within the confines of a dark and cold Hotel room in Tallahassee, Florida. I can say, me now. Unfortunately, I share that I remain deep in the sleep, the slumber that has wrapped it's affects around my life, as if absorbed by a giant sponge that is sleep, I lay in my safe place and let be.
At this instant, I sit here in a moist t-shirt sweating as in sweating on and all around this thick skull of mine. My forehead is wet - I just brushed it off and sit here thinking, "My God"! Well shit then, my neck, chest and back are wet from the sweat, my perspiration, and misting's. Yes, I said misting's and I am okay with saying that too. Alright? Very well then.
During experiments, I reminded myself to keep within reach of safety. Physical and emotional. My boundaries are always in place, yet there are times when they're not respected by some who have not learned what boundaries are really all about. Like, when I'm not looking or I'm not listening because I can't hear here. I remind me to be assertive with and when my boundaries have been breached. It is sad for me to share where it is I find myself on relations with some Folk within my circle. Too many places and times when my own Kin Folk find it amusing to shoo me on, or to mock me and make funny the things that happen in my life. Day-to-Day, every damned day. I am not a child, I am not a fucking child, though I will do as I'm told.
At this minute my both ears are filled and full of noise and sound and I could have experimented until I was eight four, but Honey's, there is no letting up when it comes to the constant racket between these two ears of mine - the left deaf one and the hard of hearing right ear. Shit. At this second, the left deaf ear has me listening to a sound that sounds like this; Mbeep-beep-beep, tsk, tsk, tsk. Mmmmmmmmmbeeeeeeep-beep-beep-beeeeeeep, tsk, tsk, tsk. Over and over - stop - then again and over and over again.
What the shit is that?! I don't know and I have no idea. For shits sake!
There was no choice but to share with my Miss. Lady Dame, that the voices have returned. It has gotten so bad that I am listening to entire conversations going on immediately out of this room and down the hall to the left. En'it? My right ear just popped out loud. This is not uncommon. This is also the same ear that tends to want to sleep longer than I requiring several minutes to wake up to listen.
I am so dizzy at this moment that I am having to move slowly and with purpose. I try to keep my head up and keep on pecking at these keys. My eye balls do the wiggle every once in a while and the scene of whatever may be in front of me at any given time will suddenly tilt a few degrees. The every day of my life is surrounded by some state of dizziness. Sometimes so sunken and so deep, so horribly bad that I have no choices. Because there are no choices to be made. I just lay in my safe place, talk with God, listen to the silence of the spinning in my brains and force myself to sleep. To succumb to the call of slumber keeps me safe from myself and I have been in a state of dizzy since before the operations began not too long ago. You see, the Meniere's long ago decided that it would be these ears, this body, and my mind that it would move into. There are times when I get so stressed about the dizziness that I have placed myself in harms way. Stumbles, awkwardness's, balance issues, and I am a fall risk.
I know because I fall.
My left deaf ear continues to go, mbeeeeeeep-beep-beep. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Mmbeep-beeeeeep-beep. Tsk-tsk-tsk. Over and over and over again.
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