Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part I

Kindred,

Good evening Kind One's, I am Mario, and I welcome you to this simple blog called 'Meniere's Disease, Mario's Path'. I have Meniere's Disease, my name is Mario, and this is my path, and I wish to share these words with you. There is an urgency with what I wish to share and speak of. One of the most concerning to me has been the amount of time it has taken me to put this communique into subject matter that makes sense, to be as clear as I might communicate with my limitations, the verbiage, true? I wish to be steadfastly clear so that what I share, are about things that place fear in my heart and things that have been creators of stress and anxiety in my life. These creators that come from within, the Meniere's, the Neurological pain - which has become an around the clock health issue for my wife and I, the symptom's and all the medications. I wish to express the anxiety that is imported from out there in the real world. All that and this within me, within this skin I live in, and within my inner most spirit's, It is I who lives in shame. Shame I am familiar with, the same shame as it always been.

Having to admit to myself, (perhaps finally) of being under the control of a disease called Meniere's, that includes the madness of it's symptoms - every day I breath. With the disease Meniere's, there are stress indicators that are from the inside looking out, and this is one of the damned worst case of Meniere's Disease scenario's I have ever seen or heard of. Not with my own non-deaf ear or the deaf left one - this is where I have my titanium implant, next to my ear and this is where I plug in my BAHA processor into the abutment.

The stresses and anxiety from the outside in, are coming from what I perceived and believed to be safe places and safe peoples with me and members of my team, working with and for me. These subjects will be talked about in another post that will have same title and called Part II.

We, as Humans all have stress factors and anxiety provoking issues that are on a day to day basis. I know this. Here in this one persons life, there is just too much anxiety created by this daily battle with Meniere's Disease, and definitely too many stress factors to be covered by me at this time. I am not a gimp, I am disabled by this disease and asthma, so much now with the cervical spine, a lesion on the spinal cord and on and on. I know this to be so, right now in my health and life there is much shit hitting the fan, I sometimes get to feeling goofy, confused, my heart palpitates, and I cry. I've cried about which way to go, what to do. My Great One, this maddening hypersomnia that aids me when putting me to sleep post Meniere's vertigo attack. In one hand this is beneficial - while in the other the sleep and slumber is killing me. Presently, there's so much shit hitting my health and life fan's, that I am truly able to confirm that all of this feeds "all" of my depression's.

These are deep and embarrassing times for me.

Look. I am alive. I understand that and I am doing the best I can. I am essentially confined and am alone here in my house. A return to medical exile? I don't think so. Our home that was purchased seven years ago, has out grown it's occupants; my bride and I, our three hounds, two turtles and all of our bird cousins who come to eat and drink out back. This is my home and I live in a constant state of Medical and Emotional Exile. For now, I work with what I have. Due to the Meniere's, and several other illnesses, I must admit that more and more the factor of pain and the symptoms of Meniere's place me in a place of not much productivity. There is another implant in the not too distant future. All of this compounds the other factors of anxiety, stress, and depression. The physical, emotional and psychological factors require much attention and require many different types and forms of medicine.

All of the above provide me the opportunity for perfectionism. My physician's are clear on their orders, all of which require that I be absolutely perfect with the times, types, and doses I take to eat. With my rich history of emotional issues, plus much more. The term perfectionism creates conflict within me. This expression perfectionism that's old shit here, I've already had to deal with the self-control issues pertaining to the Anorexia and Bulimia. Over and over and over again. The self harm pieces that I have practiced on my selves over the years and life is something that I have a history of.

You see, my Kindred, I have always been the one to play nice in the sand box called, life happens. That's my nature. There was once upon a time, I might have said shit happens, but in my ear hole now it sounds happier to say life happens. Besides, I never did live in shit, so I am disqualified on the shit happening piece. And that's okay by me, because I've had to deal with folks who talk shit  for way too long in life. Stress and fear factors that come from out side of my aura.

OPS - Other Peoples Shit. (What!)

"Life Happens".

These are deep and embarrassing times for me.