Deep And Embarrassing Times For Me, Part Two

Kind One's,

Welcome, dear Guest's, it's my honor for your visit.

Here on this blog, I have expressed the importance of trust in my day-to-day life. In words spoken aloud, the same - for me, and this path I follow, with every step I walk. Every day and every breathe. Trust, deeply in my  mind is paramount. Spirit's, say same. Seen. Betrayal of my trust is traumatic for me. I must trust kin folk and kindred, this is a necessity. Once and each time I am betrayed, I am harmed and I am no longer the same person.

The break in trust creates much sadness, anxiety, and a break in kin ship and I mourn. It is unfortunate. There have been many people I met in the business world - at work, where dear friendships happen. Those folks from way back in school or the military. Kindred Ones from the groups I have been associated with, the love and trust created when one and another has made change in life. My heart goes bad and I cry. When a very fellow human being crosses my path for one time, this is when a person becomes a part of my circle. It is them in my inner most circle who reinforce my direction on this path. I say thank you each and all. Just please don't betray me.

Day by day, I move along. Sometimes I move along with a might nice energy within, while there are too many some times, my body and I are sequestered, and not a damned thing to do about it. But eat my medicine and lay there. When Meniere's vertigo attacks happen, I am not at the controls of this bull shit disease. I am usually dispatched quickly by Meniere's vertigo attacks and then I am confined to my quarters for days at a time. Sleeping for sometimes twenty-four hour stretches, entombed by the slumber, also within the grasp of the gloom. When a betrayal is, lines been crossed and betrayals made, trauma becomes heavy in my skin.

Along with Meniere's Disease, I have asthma that takes my breathe from my lungs, with the cervical spine and neurological pain, the all of this, the diseases and factors tell me it is my very own body that is betraying me. These are my body parts and pieces betraying me, for shits sake.

There have been too many times to know how many times, I have laid in my bed, sweating, spinning, gagging, crying, can't breath, me ears roar, my vision blurred, my pulse increases, my blood pressure goes up and I gag - sometimes vomiting.  And this is when I am struck in or near my bed. There have been too many times I have laid on cold Turkish tile, on wet and itchy grass and sand, or on hot ass pavement. I have fallen so many times I can not say how many times I have given way to gravity. There is falls and horror with every fall. That's all.

Cedric, I can not do a damned thing about being deaf, and am to wear a BAHA processor that is attached to an abutment and implant on the left side of my skull. There isn't a thing I can do with the loss of hearing in my right ear but wear a hearing aid.

The pains in my head, skull, scalp, neck, shoulders, arms, back, legs and ass are so severe that my professor has provided procedures to inject Botox into my face, neck, and shoulders. I have another procedure coming up later this month, my last session. Whew God! Yes, I am so happy these are wrapping up. Professor has realized a higher dosage of Botox is required on the left side of my face. My left eye has become lazy and does not appear normal or attractive. This is the very professor who will be the surgeon for an implant and processor in my cervical spine. Should my trusted team and I, consider it so.

This is just too deep and embarrassing times for me.

Since that little boy called me, Mario, was introduced to sex, and becoming a victim at four. The incest that began earlier than four, was practically daily. All of the grooming processes. The fucking confusion that came with the molestations and rapes by perpetrators in the family and family friends. The Spec. 5, who sexually assaulted me while we were stationed in Darmstadt, Germany. There were times when I put myself in the position to be abused later in life. I did act out as a person with an intense preoccupation with sex. I've known this for my entire life. I have gone through intense years and many years of therapy, groups and one on one's. I had to take inventory after inventory of me as a fellow human. I have worked hard with my therapists, I was steadfast with my attacks to heal and be a right good man and person for my wife, Kin daughters, Kin Folk and Kindred.

When I had sex introduced to me as a toddler, from the very first time I was violated, and from that moment on - through out my entire childhood and my adolescence and early adulthood years, I have had sex on/in my MIND EVERY-DAMNED-DAY - I lived, I survived because I knew damned good and well, I was going to be molested by folks I knew, I knew when, and where too. Oh, my dearest brothers and sisters, everything that you have read prior to this very word, has been said and spoken before, and there is a reason behind the expressions of utter disgust I share, you see, I feel every thing that I have said in my heart, mind, body, and Soul.

There has been some very deep and embarrassing times in my life. 

I am an individual who enjoys being positive and motivated in my life. I have always enjoyed spreading love and peace and understanding. I've always been such a fellow and a good leader. I 've been blessed to work with fine, and intelligent people's, and I remember working with great passions and energy. Folks, our customers would search our team's out from the various stores in our community to purchase their coffee and their favorite beverages. Relations, I was very happy to work good and hard, and be associated with such fantastic customers and partners while with Starbucks Coffee Company. My dear good best friends who worked with me at The Big Blue Box. God knows I fell in love with a whole bunch of you all. My work became such a part of me, that I now dream of working. Yes, as in working while I sleep and in Dream World. There have been dreams I am working with two different companies of my work history at the same time.

Today, I feel the knowledge in my heart and in my bones that this body of mine has become damaged goods. It's my bones and flesh, that are damaged goods, I say!

My aura, heart, and energy, remain as is - bright and as positive as I can be. I love life.

Betrayal, as I perceive it has compounded my life's issues with my health with these life altering diseases. I feel unfortunate for me, betrayed by my body and health, and it hurts to say, I know I have been betrayed by others. I'm afraid that I must close shop. Too much of my inner energy and I am gone exhausted

There has been some very deep and embarrassing times in my life.

Note: This is part two of a rather long communique I started several weeks ago. Yes, I have spell checked, I have reviewed and yes, I have edited this post to you. I am sorry for the editing/censuring, it is not something I practice. Censorship.