Sir Dude And The Victim Within

Kinfolk, Kindred and Relations,

Alright then, it's time to come out with something. Something that has directed me on a downward cycle and has been festering for many days. I am so very embarrassed by what I am about to share and must say that the victim who dwells within me, has been shamed and not treated with the respect and dignity that I provide the person who perpetrates sexual abuse...

...it doesn't make sense to me why this individual continues to betray my trust and boundaries...

...it does not make any damned sense at all! YET! I had compartmentalized what this person did so well and so tightly and with such a steadfastness, I almost failed to bring this up to Sir Dude during our gathering. When I had the "oh shit!" moment, it was then that I realized that this fucker offended against me yet again. I, rather than yelling it out, hushed and kept myself away from the moment. I was screaming aloud silently...

...while this Elder once again attempted to perpetrate against me. Um, no, he did not attempt, he in fact perpetrated a sex crime against a disabled individual.

GOOD GOD - I AM EXHAUSTED!!! I AM TIRED OF BEING A FUCKING VICTIM!! WHAT IS IT THAT I SAY OR DO MAKES THIS SHIT OKAY IN THE MIND'S OF OTHERS! THIS CAN NOT GO ON ANY LONGER!! GREAT SPIRIT, PLEASE!! A VICTIM IN EVERY PHASE OF MY LIFE?! REALLY?! From childhood to adolescence to my early adulthood, while in the U.S. Army and too many times since...

...too many of these times since are pertaining to this one individual.

As I had shared with Sir Dude earlier, I share with you now, that I have tend towards the compartmentalization of my thoughts, ideas, theories and beliefs. The perfectionist with-in dictates this. Please note that I am a perfectionist directed to self - not the outwards direction. As a victim, I do tend to internalize shit that folks say and or do to me. For example, several days ago, I was insulted by the use of the word "fag", as it was used in the negative. Shortly after I commented about same, a derogatory anti-gay term was directed at me. I tucked it away in the folds of my brains. Things worked out for the positive in the long run, yet the insult lingers.

Then to have this one perpetrate against me again, has been and is having a very negative affect on my self, my esteem and my ego.

How odd I should mention ego, because Sir Dude brought that up during session. I'll follow up on his definition next week. Which is our next scheduled face to face. I have just placed a call to his answering service for a return call. All of the above talk of sexual abuse and victimization has my innards all knotted up.

Sir Dude, thank you. We've come far and yet, I see more to be done. I want to work this with you as my counsel. Again, I thank you and I love you too. I mean, it's like years since you've been my therapist, so that statement makes sense to me. You are the "Sir Dude", ya know?